A Great Villainous Team Building Exercise
Sombra's essence was resurrected for the second time that day. Unlike last time, where he was delightfully surprised by his continued life, this time he came back with an angry scowl.
"Oh, what's the matter, didn't like getting vaporized?" Chrysalis asked, sneering.
Sombra had nothing to say to her, instead turning to the one who resurrected him - the monstrous goat Grogar.
"Have I made my point?" Grogar asked.
Sombra growled. "...Perhaps..."
"...That'll do for now."
"Yay, everyone's back together!" Cozy said, clapping her hooves. "Now we can actually figure out our revenge!"
Tirek grunted, folding his arms. "I should take the magic of Discord, and Chrysalis could replace him."
"Why would we give you all that magic!?" Sombra shouted, sneering.
"I have the capacity to store more than any of you!" Tirek retorted, curling his hands into fists. "It would be a simple matter to drain you all dry, right here, right now."
"Then try it," Chrysalis dared. "Or are you scared?"
"No, I do not feel fear, I am just smart enough to realize multiple sources of magic is worthwhile! Multiple points of failure."
"So you expect to fail!" Sombra said.
"I said no such thing..."
"Implications, my dear centaur."
"You have no right to talk, you just got your rump handed to you for the second time. I have only been defeated once."
Chrysalis looked away, finding her gaze land on a nearby rocky pillar. "Why yes, thank you for noticing, I did redo my mane."
Tirek and Sombra looked at her with disbelief.
"...Ahahahaahah - I was talking to Cozy."
"Cozy's over there," Tirek said.
"Well, I, uh - shut up, I'm perfectly capable of going head to hoof with them! We should raise an army! Equestria has enemies..." She paused, going through all the foreign nations in her head and coming up with none that were still hostile. "Uh... Tirek, your home hates ponies right?"
"That is not an option."
"Oh? Family troubles?!"
Cozy turned to Grogar as the other three continued shouting over each other. "I don't think this is working."
"Clearly..." Grogar growled. "It amazes me that they're acting more like children than you are..."
"Hmm..." Cozy rubbed her chin thoughtfully, ignoring his slight. "Hey, Grogar sir, don't you think we should try to get everyone to work together? Perhaps by playing a game or something?"
"Like what?"
"Golly, there has to be something you like to do! You could try to introduce the rest of us to it!"
Grogar opened his mouth to dismiss this out of hoof - but then a contemplative look came over his face. He lowered his hoof and began to nod slowly to himself. "Perhaps..."
"Oh, cool!" Cozy clapped her hooves together. "What is it? I can't wait to find out!"
Grogar smirked, walking to his crystal ball and sitting down. "ATTENTION!"
Sombra and Tirek looked at him angrily, but shut up. Chrysalis kept talking for a while - realizing a bit too slowly that no one else was talking. She gave a death glare to a nearby rock that sort of looked like a face.
"As has become painfully clear to me, we are currently at an impasse marred by certain individuals' inability to speak to each other without devolving into a volume competition. So our first order of business is not to form a plan - we have all the time in the world, after all - but to learn to work together." He pressed his hooves together. "By Cozy's suggestion, we are going to play a game."
"The suggestion of a filly!?" Sombra shouted.
"She also studied under Twilight Sparkle herself..." Tirek said, nodding slowly. "She came just as close as the rest of us to defeating them."
"I'm not taking orders from a filly," Sombra grunted.
"Then take them from me," Grogar countered, laying a hoof on the table. "We're playing a game, and through it we are to learn each other's strengths, weaknesses, as well as our bonds with each other."
"You better not be offering friendship," Chrysalis hissed.
"I am!" Cozy said, grinning.
"We shall see what we discover," Grogar added. "It is just clear that we cannot proceed without cutting through the endless shouting."
"...Fine," Chrysalis said. "What is this game you want to play?"
"The concept is simple - each of you will come up with a 'character' of sorts, a fictional being you will take control of in a setting of my creation. I will run your characters through an adventure. Your goal will be to get through the adventure using your teamwork, varied abilities, and clever thinking."
Cozy Glow gasped. "Ogres and Oubliettes!? Golly, I love that game! I played all the time at the School of Friendship! I've got characters in every class at maximum level, and - I hope they didn't throw away my dice collection, that would be really useful right now. I could teach you all how to play pretty quickly! You've just got to remember your stats and your abilities and y-"
"That modern game is overly complicated," Grogar muttered. "I examined the rules once and threw it away. Simply too complex to tell an actual story, it's nothing more than arguing numbers."
"But... but..."
"When I ruled, we had Equinera. There was only one dice, and everything was much, much simpler. I could teach you the rules in about twenty minutes."
Cozy gasped. "That's insane."
"...Is anyone else lost? I'm lost," Chrysalis admitted.
"I, too, am confused," Sombra added.
Tirek sighed. "You've both been rulers. Think about the battle scenarios you planned out even though they'd never happen. I believe this is like that."
"You've played?"
"No, but Cozy doesn't understand what 'stop talking' means."
"Friendship is made through communication!" Cozy sung.
Tirek sighed. "I will play this game, Grogar."
Sombra grunted. "The sooner we get this over with the sooner we can all realize how pointless it is."
Grogar nodded. "Good. Allow me to explain the rules, and then we can get to character creation. Unlike OnO, there are no set races or, really, classes. You can be whatever you imagine, so long as the character doesn't seem ridiculous to me. First, all actions in the game that aren't automatic are determined with the roll of a twenty-sided die..."
~~~
...and your goal as heroes is generally to amass wealth, ancient artifacts, power, and fame," Grogar said, twirling a hoof in the air.
The four villains were staring at him with different expressions. Cozy's and Chrysalis's eyes were sparkling with interest, Tirek looked like he was struggling to comprehend the appeal of this, while Sombra just looked bored.
"Cozy, since you understand how this generally works, I assume you have a character in mind for yourself already?"
"Yeah!" Cozy said, smiling. "Can I be a robot?"
"Most definitely, but what sort of robot?"
"Oh, that's easy, I want to be a drone robot! I'll be named... Rook-three-seven-six. I used to a flying soldier for an ancient civilization, defending a long-lost city from any perceived attackers. I eventually realized my city was gone, and that I had been killing for no reason - so I went to explore!"
"That's excellent," Grogar said, smirking, tapping his hoof to the crystal ball. "Any special abilities you have I should be aware of before assigning your statistics?"
"Uh, well flight, solar power... I'm going to guess a large number of weapons. Otherwise, nah, I'm just a flying robot trying to find meaning in the world!"
Grogar nodded. Soon, he tapped the crystal ball, summoning a sheet of paper from the aether. "Here is Rook-three-seven-six."
"Yipee!"
"Chrysalis, it appears you want to go next?"
Chrysalis nodded, inches away from salivating. "This... this sounds largely similar to infiltration practice..." She shook her head. "I would like to be... this." She transformed into a relatively normal looking earth pony with a brown mane. "My name is Butter. I am a humble farmer who ended up, against her wishes, fighting for the local armies. Through a series of unfortunate events I ended up in every single army at least once, always beaten and berated by them. My life has seen sorrow, pain, and loss - so much that I have become inoculated to it. I simply wish to settle down and start farming once again, but the universe seems to hate me."
Grogar blinked. "You're normal?"
Chrysalis smirked, turning back into herself. "It's always more interesting to play and win with a disadvantage, is it not?"
"If that's what you want," Grogar chuckled. "Enjoy getting trampled by the monsters for being normal..."
"Oh, I think I'll do just fine," Chrysalis said with a smirk. "Oh, uh, I also have a handful of invisible fairy friends that follow me everywhere. No one else can see them. They can't do anything. But they sometimes tell me helpful things."
Grogar stared at her.
"That is a completely normal thing to have. Print it, goat."
"Tirek?" Grogar said as he printed out Chrysalis' sheet - not looking at it too closely.
"...Can I be a magic-absorbing centaur?"
"Be something that isn't you. Think about it, and you better have something when I'm done with Sombra."
"I am Princess Luna," Sombra said.
Everyone stared at him in shock.
"It is not against the rules as I understand it," Sombra said, waving a dismissive hoof. "Just give me her powers and strengths. They should be adequate and save me from spending any effort on this frivolous activity."
Grogar shrugged, printing the sheet out. "That didn't take long..." he muttered.
"Just make me a warrior," Tirek said. "Anything that isn't a pony."
Cozy tried not to look hurt. She failed, but only Chrysalis noticed.
"I shall make you a griffin," Grogar said. "Gander. Greatest warrior of your people, you have become lost through no fault of your own. Now you seek to find home so you may complete your plans to become king of the land."
"Yes..." Tirek said, a slight smile crawling up his face. "Perfect..."
"Good. Let us begin, shall we?"
~~~
Gander was lost in the forest. He walked through the woods with a blank expression, ignoring everything that happened around him. There was a noise of something flying overhead, but he ignored it. He ignored the growling coming from the forest.
"...Tirek, you're supposed to do something," Cozy said. "If you really were this griffin, Gander, would you just ignore a bunch of weird stuff happening?"
"I have no idea how Griffins think!"
"Well then make it up! It's not like griffins in this world have to be the same as our world!"
Gander drew his dual swords and lashed out at the growling noise. Behind the foliage, he found a bear-like creature without a neck.
"...Wait, without a neck?" Chrysalis inclined her head. "How...?"
"Its head is levitating," Grogar grunted. He tapped the crystal ball, showing her an image.
"That's ridiculous."
Sombra smirked. "Grogar, is this a monster of yours you couldn't find a way to actually create?"
"I'm not answering that."
"It is! Amazing, is this your little playground where you try to live out your failed dreams?"
Princess Luna fell out of the sky like a meteor, landing right in front of the bear and taking significant damage from the fall.
Sombra growled.
"Help!" Luna called to Gander. "I am weakened - I need a hero of your caliber to fend off the beast!"
Everyone stared at Sombra, confused.
"I'm not me, I'm Princess Luna. That is what she'd do."
"...Sure..." Tirek deadpanned. "I guess I attack the beast." He tapped the crystal ball, prompting it to roll a virtual die - getting a natural 20.
Grogar grinned - he loved this part.
Gander hefted his swords high and came crashing down on the bear-beast. In its attempt to defend itself, it unleashed a bellowing roar - but it exerted too much energy, pulling a muscle in its leg, giving Gander free reign to cut up the beast and dice it into pieces. The first blade hit bone, scraping against th-
Cozy shivered. "Geez, aren't you going into a little too much detail?"
"He got a natural twenty," Grogar said. "The victory will be glorious, brutal, and awe-inspiring."
"I'm just getting sick to my stomach. Geeeeh, all that blood..."
-the beast was soon nothing more than meat for a later meal.
Gander turned to Princess Luna, nodding in her direction.
"Oh yes, please, fair knight, lift me to my hoves, I beg you!"
"Luna doesn't talk like that," Chrysalis and Cozy said at the same time.
Sombra glared in anger at first - but then a thought occurred to him. "Who says the Princess Luna of this world has to act like the Princess Luna of our world?"
Tirek chuckled at Cozy's own words being turned on her. With a huff, the mare folded her front hooves.
Gander lifted Luna up, as expressionless as ever. "I am lost. You?"
"I fell out of the sky because the gods are petty."
A rock fell out of the sky and hit Luna in the head.
"I think it is my mission to bring them to their knees now, despite how many rocks they may summon from nowhere and throw at me. No doubt I will need an army to do so - including a powerful knight such as yourself."
"Sure," Gander said.
"Um... hi," Butter said, poking her head out of the bush. "Is the fight over?"
"Yes it is, Butter," Gander said.
"You don't know her name yet!" Cozy hissed.
"I do," Tirek asserted.
"Gander doesn't!"
Tirek blanked.
"Ah, another lost mare," Luna said, walking to Butter. "Shall we help you find a stallion for yourself?"
Butter nervously traced a hoof in the dirt. "I don't think so... too many stallions have hurt me..."
"Oh, but that's part of the fun!"
"What's wrong with you!?"
"Wait, did you say that, or did Butter say that?" Sombra asked.
"BOTH!" Chrysalis hissed.
"You're the one who eats love to survive," Grogar pointed out.
"I don't think they enjoy it!"
"...I've got bad news for you..." Cozy said, rubbing the back of her head. "There are some ponies - not naming any names here - that like that sort of thing."
Chrysalis stared at her in disbelief.
"You learn some creepy things when you try to be friends with ponies. Gives you a lot of blackmail but, well, you discover a looot of things you'd rather not know." Cozy shuddered. "I have seen things, everyone. I have seen many things..."
"I am not surprised the deepest darkness lies not in the wilds, but in the minds of ponies themselves," Sombra said with a chuckle.
"Clearly you are well acquainted with it," Chrysalis muttered. "Yes, I do think he's a moron, why do you ask?"
Everyone decided to just ignore her comment to whatever nonexistent face she was talking to now.
Rook flew down from the sky, speaking with a synthetic voice. "Hey, I thought I heard some noises down here! Hmm... it looks like we have the start of an adventuring group here. Guess what, I'm currently looking for a cache of ancient magic beneath the metal mountain, and I'd be willing to split the loot if you joined me!"
"Sure," Gander deadpanned.
"I'm not really an adventurer..." Butter said, looking at the ground despondently.
"We have our own mission!" Luna declared. "Begone, plane, and let us return to our devastation of the gods themselves!"
A shovel head fell from the sky and cut off Luna's ear.
"You're being restrictive," Sombra muttered.
"You're the one playing a dangerous game," Grogar growled.
"Um, Grogar, sir?" Cozy looked at him with big eyes. "A good GM doesn't need to force their players to do things with random events, they'll be able to tell the story regardless of what crazy things the players do. This Luna clearly has beef with the gods - what she's saying is perfectly in character and helps define her arc."
Grogar stared at her in disbelief. "...Are you telling me how to do my job?"
"Yep! When you think about it, you haven't played in a while, and I've played very recently! It's logical!"
"...You have no fear, do you?" Sombra asked.
Grogar looked at Cozy like he wanted to flatten her. But he remembered why they were doing this, so he sucked it in and returned to the game.
"Maybe you can find something to defeat the gods in the mountain?" Rook suggested.
"Hadn't thought of that," Luna admitted. "Then we must go! To the mountain!"
"Uh... Do we have to?" Butter asked.
"He is very forward with his ideas," Gander said.
"...He?" Sombra asked.
"I was addressing you," Tirek said.
"I'm Princess Luna."
Something clicked in Tirek's mind. He put his head in his hands and groaned.
Luna turned to Butter. "I'm sure you can be of great help on this adventure - or be great emotional support! You and your friends will be a great help."
"S-she can't see my friends!" Chrysalis blurted.
Sombra held up his sheet. "Luna can sense intelligence and use it to enter dreams. I definitely can."
"Th-that wasn't supposed to be, I - shut up - UGH." She bristled.
"Mind your own business!" Butter hissed, storming off.
Rook flew in front of her and grabbed her with an ejected rope. "Sorry, the forest is dangerous to go alone!"
"LET ME GO!"
"Will you behave and be one with the group?"
"...Yes."
"Good."
Luna stamped a hoof. "Enough! We must move! Our quest to overturn the natural order won't complete itself!"
"No," Gander said.
Nobody was sure if he was agreeing or not.
~~~
"You four have certainly made a mess of my mountain..." the white-robed monkey spoke with a sickly-sweet voice. "Ruined many conduits, destroyed endless supplies, and ruined the lives of many of my fellow monkeys."
"You refuse to give us the artifacts!" Luna shouted. "Hand them over or we'll run you through!"
"I have a sneaking suspicion you will regardless..."
"I'll convince them not to!" Butter said, blushing. "I'm sure I can hold them back."
"You are weak, how could you?" Gander asked, just as dead sounding as always.
"...I meant convincing you not to kill him?"
"Why?"
Luna facehooved. "Gander, dear, you're a delight, but you really should spend some time working on that brain of yours."
It was at this point Rook crashed through the window and skewered the white-robed monkey on the nose of her body. "WOOHOO! Another kill, another day in the life of Rook! Eat that, monkeys!"
"He had information we needed!" Luna wailed.
"Oh. Whoops." Cozy blushed. "I got carried away."
Tirek shook his head. "I'd wanted to run him through a long time ago."
"If we all simply did what we wanted all the time we would be long dead," Sombra commented. "Or we'd be like Chrysalis."
Chrysalis turned away from glaring at her hooves like they'd offended her. "...Huh?"
Sombra chuckled. "Nothing, Chrysalis, nothing..."
~~~
Butter cautiously walked up to the chest. She poked it with her sword. Finding no response, she popped the lid open.
The chest transformed into a mimic and attacked.
"Roll for initiative," Grogar said with a sneer.
The entire table groaned. "Another mimic!?" Tirek blurted.
"Why is it always the ones I open!?" Chrysalis whined.
"You're tasty," Sombra observed.
"I'm just a pony! An- oh. I see your point."
Tirek moaned. "We need a better way to deal with these..."
"It takes less time to fight the bricks than lay a trap for them," Cozy said. "Or do I need to remind everyone about the 'crevasse chest fiasco'?"
The chorus of groans told her that no, she did not.
~~~
The ape the size of a small house slammed a tree down, knocking Luna to the side and heavily injuring Gander. Rook fired off some rockets, but the beast didn't appear to care when its coat lit on fire.
"WAIT!" Butter shouted, dropping her sword and laying on her back in surrender. "DON'T KILL US, ANDO!"
Ando turned to glare at her. "Give Ando one reason why not smash."
"Well, if you let us through, we could let you smash your master, give you the power of hundreds of ancient artifacts, and get you some friends! I mean, really, you're pretty lonely here, right?"
Grogar grunted. "You can roll. Like that'll do anything."
Chrysalis grinned. "I have extra persuasion, an asset to charm entities much larger than myself, and I can use the bloodletter to sap my own HP away to improve my chances. I'm doing all those things." She rolled the die.
And got a twenty.
Grogar stared at the die in disbelief.
Ando dropped his tree and leaned down to Butter. "Ando like you. Ando will help you do whatever you want. Ando will be friend."
Everyone stared at Butter in shock.
She'd just done something.
~~~
"You fools! You'll kill us all if you continue!" their current ally - a white fairy named Enna - was waving her arms around frantically.
"Yeah. So?" Gander asked.
There was silence around the game table as everyone turned to look at Tirek.
"...What?"
"I'm starting to think Gander's developing a personality," Chrysalis said, blinking. "How unexpected."
"Oh. Good."
~~~
"Ah-ha!" Luna shouted, knocking a glowing magitech sphere to the ground. "Take that, ruffians! All of you, fall to me! Just dominoes on the way to my true goal!" She charged the largest of the spherical enemies, pulling back her horn for a burst of magic.
Sombra rolled a one.
"...Oh no..." Sombra paled - a considerable achievement for him.
"Oh, how I've been waiting for this," Grogar said with a malevolent smile.
Luna's horn exploded from a failure to channel magic, cracking in half - if she didn't receive medical attention, she would not be casting magic anytime soon. She most definitely wasn't anywhere near a hospital, and the horror of the loss began to sink in. Unfortunatly it didn't sink in entirely, as the lead sphere shot a bolt of energy into her, dealing heavy damage.
Ando rushed in - Butter on his back - and smashed the final sphere. "Are you okay!?" She shouted to Luna.
"Can... someone save me...?" she asked. "No... I know this cannot be saved..." She tried to look at her horn - and started to cry.
Sombra wiped his face.
"Is that a tear?" Chrysalis asked, gawking.
Sombra made no response.
Cozy sniffed. "Luna's lost her horn..."
"It won't keep her down," Sombra said, sneering. "She'll get back up. She'll survive. And she'll defeat the very gods who have done this to her." He slammed his hoof on the table. "DO YOU HEAR ME GROGAR!?"
Grogar nodded, smirking. "I hear you, Sombra."
~~~
The final boss. The great dragon of the mountain, guardian of the horde. He was encased in metal along all of his scales and breathed immense torrents of toxic gas with every lurch. Every few seconds, he would grab an artifact from the pile and attack the adventurers with it.
But they were not to be deterred. Ando leaped from the ceiling, smashing the dragon's head in. Butter took a deep breath and drew a legendary sword she had picked from the pile, ramming it into the dragon's eye. It roared in agony - allowing Luna to go at its throat with her golden-rimmed knife-wings. Rook flew around the back, firing numerous lasers, rockets, and other weapons along the dragon's back.
"You have not the power or the wit to take me down..." the dragon growled. "Your toys are nothing to mine!" He picked up a staff sparkling with dark power. "DIE!"
"No," Gander said, shooting an arrow into the dragon's remaining eye. It sailed true, completely blinding the monstrous creature.
He began to flail wildly, scrambling frantically for a healing device. Closing his claws around something that felt like it, he pointed it at his face.
His head was reduced to ash in a flash of purple light.
"Ahahaahah!" Cozy said, giggling. "Brutal!"
"Did... did we just win!?" Chrysalis asked, dumbfounded.
"Ha! Even without magic, Luna was more than prepared!" Sombra cackled.
"The beast fell by my hand..." Tirek curled his hand into a fist and grinned. "As it should be."
Grogar nodded. "You have won. The treasures... they are yours."
"This is all so interesting!" Rook announced, flying around, picking up stuff. "I will use all these myself instead of protecting them! What's the point of protecting something if you're not going to use it, am I right?"
"Yes," Gander deadpanned. He didn't even bother looking through the artifacts.
"I... I'm alive," Butter said. She started laughing. "I'm alive! And now all this... I can use it! I can stop all this madness!"
"WE ARE THE BEST!" Luna shouted. She quickly swept Gander up in her hooves and gave him a big, long kiss.
Once again, there was silence at the table as everyone stared at Sombra.
Then Cozy started giggling. The giggling quickly spread to Chrysalis, and before long the two were pounding on the table with their hooves. Sombra's cocky grin soon devolved into laughter as well - met soon thereafter by Grogar's own snickering.
Tirek was the last to join in - but not even he could ignore the sheer absurdity of the situation. The five voices of laughter did not stop for some time. None of them truly knew how long it was before Grogar managed to cough the laughter out of himself. "Ahem. That's the end of the adventure. We could stop there, though I am curious, what are your characters going to do with all the artifacts?"
"...Are you joking?" Sombra asked, grinning malevolently. "We are going to erase the gods from existence. ALL OF THEM."
"And then we will bring every living creature on the planet to its knees!" Tirek added. "They will bow before us!"
"And we'll torment all those enemies we made on our journey," Cozy added. "Those monkeys are going to wish they were never born!"
"I have that revive artifact..." Chrysalis mused. "We can bring back that robed monkey and kill him over and over and over again... Naturally, Butter will be hesitant to be that brutal, but she'll come around eventually."
"For a weak pony, Butter was actually rather useful," Tirek said. "It really is interesting to see things from their perspective..."
"Walking in other's hooves is the best way to find out their weaknesses," Chrysalis admitted. "And Gander, oh Gander, Gander was the funniest thing ever."
"I loved all his one-liners!" Cozy piped up. "They were all exactly the same but they never seemed to get old!"
"He was a fun one to toy with, that was certain," Sombra admitted. "I myself have found great fulfillment in being Luna for a day."
"Of course you do, creep," Chrysalis said - though this time she was smiling.
"Aren't we all the creep in one way or another?"
"Yep!" Cozy chirped.
"I'm curious what sort of tactics we could create with this game..." Tirek mused. "More than just combat - psychological manipulation..."
"Who cares? It's fun!" Cozy clapped her hooves. "Anything else is just a bonus!"
"I want to play a hive," Chrysalis said, laying her hooves on the table. "I know it's uncreative, I know, but what if there was a TRUE hive-mind? Every thought fused into one!"
"I want to be one of those sphere machines," Tirek said. "They fascinated me with their philosophy of order to the elimination of everything else."
"I'm thinking I'll be a pegasus next time," Sombra added. "Something low-key, like butter, though with a bit of intrigue."
"Maybe I could be Twilight Sparkle!" Cozy said. "Your idea of being someone who really exists was pretty cool, Sombra, and it worked out really well! Oh, oh, maybe I could choose a character from a book!"
The four of them continued talking amongst each other busily, remembering amusing, epic, or emotional events from the game session.
Grogar looked at them all - all with smiles on their faces, laughing with each other.
At first, the sight disgusted him.
But then he remembered why he had brought them here.
And he remembered what those smiles meant.
He grinned.
Those little ponies were going to meet their match...
Author's Note
I assure you, I am not Grogar in disguise.
I swear.
-GM, master of horns.
