Captain Grumpy VS Doctor Chuckles
It was almost Heart’s Warming Eve. The Pie family were having their traditional Heart’s Warming rock soup. They were all enjoying Pinkie Pie’s company, because they don’t get to see her often since she moved. In silence however; polite ponies don’t chat during a meal. But Pinkie found a way to amuse herself. She was smiling at stray confetti left in unreachable corners of the room. They made her recall precious memories of her oddly cheerful childhood. She found one particularly funny, just because it was stuck in a spider’s web, right in a spot where nopony could reach it.
Everypony else were having their meals as normal: Marble trying to catch her own reflection in the greenish liquid. Maud savouring every sip with as many facial muscles as she could move. Igneous Rock was crunching on his rock loud enough to make a dragon proud. And Cloudy Quartz was eating so slowly, that it was hard to tell whether she was sleeping or just simply looking down at her meal.
That is when Pinkie noticed something unusual. It was Limestone, who was staring forwards with an expression that made it seem like she was plotting a crime so horrid that I’m not even allowed to write it down here. Although, it’s not like that isn’t how she usually looks. One could easily mistake her ominous scowling that one should run away from, with her usual scowling. But the most unusual thing was that she wasn’t smiling. I mean, it’s not like she smiles too often, but at that point, she was smiling even less than usual. If that’s even possible.
Pinkie felt the need to point out just how much Limestone wasn’t smiling. After everypony was finished with their meals, Pinkie, in the blink of an eye appeared behind Limestone.
“What got you so down today, Captain Grumpy?” She asked, with the cheer of a clown who loves their job.
“That I woke up today.” Came Captain Grumpy’s dry response.
“You look like you hate the very chair you’re sitting on.”
“This is how I usually look, Pinkie! Haven’t we met before?”
“No, your eyebrows are exactly half an inch lower than usual.” Pinkie put a measuring tape next to Limestone’s face.
“She’s right,” Maud interjected, “their inward curve is also two degrees more than usual.”
Limestone’s eyebrows’ inward curve just increased as Maud said that. “Has everypony been looking at my face all day?”
“You do have a very pretty face.” Pinkie complimented her.
“One’s family will always recognize one’s mood,” Igneous Rock said, just as he swallowed the last shards of his rock, “for they witness all of one’s emotions.”
“Limestone, our dear daughter,” Cloudy Quartz lifted her gaze from her possible slumber, “thine feelings shall find open ears with us.”
After a short uncertain pause, Limestone answered: “I don’t know,” she said, “the weather I guess.”
That is when a hoof was softly placed on hers. She turned and saw Marble looking at her with a gaze that was sad, but also welcoming and comforting. And it all morphed into a subtle smile. Limestone might have grown up on a rock farm, but her heart is sure not made of stone. Marble’s kind eyes softened her and she was ready to pour out her heart to her family.
“I’ve just been working more than usual,” she began, “so I’ll have less work after Heart’s Warming and I can spend more time with you during it.” She explained, more towards Marble than anypony else. “But I also got less sleep because of that and I just wanna go back to bed, honestly.”
“Oh, the stress of running a rock farm.” Pinkie leaned in. “The veins in your head are practically about to explode.” She poked Limestone’s forehead with the tip of her hoof.
“That must be because you keep poking at my face.” Limestone’s previously softened face turned into a scowl once again.
“I think you just need to laugh more!” Pinkie began. “Studies show, that laughing for a minute everyday, makes you live at least ten years longer.”
“I sure hope that’s the case.” Limestone commented.
“Come on Captain Grumpy,” Pinkie pulled Limestone’s lips into an unnatural grin, “Call me Doctor Chuckles, because I can make anypony smile!”
Limestone’s forced grin flopped down into an even bigger frown than what she previously had. “You touch my face again and I’m breaking your spine!” She said.
“I bet,” Pinkie poked her in the side, “that I can make you laugh so hard by the end of Heart’s Warming, that your face will hurt for three days straight.”
Limestone considered that. “What do you want to bet?”
“If I win, then you have to throw me a party.”
“Okay, and what if I make you laugh first?” Limestone raised the stakes.
“You?”
“I’ve never heard thou compose any words of entertainment in mine whole life.” Said Cloudy Quartz.
“The skeletal fragments of marine organisms inside actual limestone have a more significant sense of humour than you do.” Maud added.
Even Marble hummed in agreement, which felt way more blunt to Limestone than anypony else’s remarks.
“I can be very funny if I want to be.” Limestone replied, secretly agreeing with everypony present. “How about this,” she continued, “if I make you laugh, then you don’t throw a party for the rest of winter.”
“But there are so many birthdays in the winter!” Pinkie whined.
“Hey, gotta have the stakes high for the both of us.”
“Take it Pinkie,” Maud encouraged her, “she’s got no chance!”
Pinkie thought hard about the proposal. Missing so many birthdays would be a bummer, but it’s more likely that Limestone will be the one throwing her a party and that’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.
“I accept the challenge!” She exclaimed.
She and Limestone shook hooves, then Pinkie dashed off to set up the cascade of humour. Limestone was quietly dreading what’s to come, but she wouldn’t have accepted the challenge if she didn’t know how to face it. She isn’t the kind of pony who goes into a challenge blindly; she’s the kind of pony who wins, even when she loses. And I swear that sentence is about to make sense in just a bit.
***
It was time to carve out the Hearth’s Warming dolls. Everypony went down into the quarry, not saying a single word. There was a bit of tension between Limestone and Pinkie though, due to the bet. Her usual bouncing was especially irritating to Limestone; She knew that Pinkie was going to go all out and who knows just how far she’s willing to go.
Everypony picked up their pickaxes and got to work on their rock dolls. Limestone was of course interrupted by Pinkie, almost immediately.
“I’m going with this block of basalt,” she said, “because it was magma before it was cool.”
Limestone just groaned and went back to her block.
“Ooh, do you have a concrete idea already?” Pinkie interrupted her again.
“Pinkie, get back to your own doll!” Limestone barked.
“What a gneiss idea!” Pinke dashed back to her own rock.
“Are you really going to barrage me with stone puns for two days?”
“Don’t worry, there will be a few gems too.”
“Come on Pinkie,” Maud interjected, “that joke was already old in the stone age.”
“Maud, you too?!” Limestone protested.
“Why?” Maud replied. “My jokes are clastic.”
“Let’s not go tufa.” Pinkie added.
“I swear if you make me mess this up...” Limestone raised a warning hoof.
“Okay, okay,” Pinkie backed down, “your work sure does look tuff.”
Limestone directed one final scowl at Pinkie, before rolling her eyes and going back to her rock doll. A few minutes passed, with only the sound of pickaxes chipping away at the sculptures, occasionally interrupted by Pinkie giggling to herself, dragging Limestone out of her zone each time. But eventually, she had enough.
“Just say it already, Pinkie!”
“Nah,” Pinkie said, “I don’t wanna talc about it.”
Limestone sighed. “Why did I even bother?”
“Marble has finished her doll!” Maud called out.
Sure enough, Marble’s doll was just as perfect as rock dolls get. She would have worked for a bit longer, but there was no more work to be done.
“Woo, you rock!” Pinkie showered her with confetti. “You want me to bring your rocking chair? It will rock you to sleep! But you can sleep on the bedrock too!”
Marble silently asked Limestone for help with her sad little eyes.
“Alright Marble,” said Limestone, “you go and hide the flag before you lose your marbles as well.”
Pinkie let out a snort, with a smile that she clearly didn’t want. “Sneaky-cheeky, you almost made me lose the bet.”
Limestone realized what she just said and buried her face in her hoof. “Because I have clearly lost mine.” She grumbled.
***
Marble was waiting for everypony in front of the house to finish their rock-dolls. Maud emerged from the quarry first, followed by Igneous Rock and Cloudy Quartz, then a very disgruntled looking Limestone, as in more disgruntled than usual, with Pinkie happily bouncing after her. Apparently Pinkie was ready way before anypony, she just stayed behind to annoy Limestone. Though annoyance wasn’t her goal, she was trying to make her laugh, of course.
Marble prepared to speak, but Pinkie interrupted her before she could begin.
“Wherever you hid that flag, we shall leave no stone unturned!”
Limestone grunted with dissatisfaction.
“Oh don’t be so coal blooded, Limestone.”
“Can we just begin already?” Limestone barked. “It’s just enough for me that Marble wants me and Pinkie on the same team!”
Marble silently confirmed that that’s exactly what she wanted to say.
“Great idea!” Pinkie exclaimed, before her excited expression turned into a question. “Wait, how did you know she was about to say that?”
“Just because she doesn’t speak, doesn’t mean she’s got nothing to say.” Limestone replied.
“Well, it’s a great idea! We’re going to have so much fun!”
“Yay,” Limestone cheered sarcastically, “this is going to be great.”
Before they could begin searching, Maud pulled Pinkie to the side.
“I think you should reinvent your routine, Pinkie.” Said Maud.
“What do you mean?” Pinkie asked.
“I can tell when an audience isn’t laughing. Your puns are hilarious, but they’re not going to make Limestone laugh.”
“Hmm, the inwards curvature of her eyebrows did seem to increase.”
“Exactly.”
“Are you coming or what?” Limestone shouted at Pinkie from the distance. “You’re the one who wanted to be in a group, not me!”
“I’m coming!” Pinkie shouted back, then turned to Maud. “And I think I know just what to do.”
So Limestone and Pinkie were investigating the large forest-like mass of rocks just around the farm. They left “no stone unturned” as Pinkie said. She, herself was looking for ways to get that laugh out of Limestone, instead of the flag. She suddenly emerged from a pile of rocks Limestone was inspecting.
“What if Marble hid it under Holder’s Boulder?” She asked.
“I don’t think she’d do that, Pinkie.” Limestone replied dryly.
“You’re right, she’d have to be a lot bolder to do that.”
“Ugh, would you stop with the puns?!”
“Don’t worry, it’s over.”
They spent a few moments in silence, before the word avalanche started pouring out of Pinkie again.
“Which do you think is the older? Holder or the boulder?”
“What?” Limestone asked back in utter confusion.
“I know it’s a lot to shoulder, but we should make a folder and not let it get colder.”
“Ugh, could you at least pretend you’re looking for that flag?”
“I really don’t see the point,” Pinkie said, “your psychic bond with Marble should help us find it in no time.”
“My what now?” Limestone asked, lifting her gaze from a pile of rocks on the floor.
“I mean, she doesn’t talk, but you still have no problem understanding her.”
“It’s really nothing special. We just spent a lot of time together, that’s all.”
“But we’ve spent a lot of time together too.”
“Maybe, but you still spent more time with Maud. It’s just like that with me and Marble.”
“You never really explained how that happened.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Pinkie sat down at the foot of one of the taller rocks, “Maud and I tried to include you as well, but you never came. And then at some point you two just started hanging out. I mean, I’m glad you have each other, but it just seems so random.”
Limestone took a few searching glances at her surroundings. Although she wasn’t looking for the flag at that point, more like a way out. “Is this really the best time for this?” She asked.
“When else could we talk about it? We barely see each-other anymore.”
Limestone sighed. “Fine.” She said and sat down next to Pinkie. She hesitated to go into any personal subjects, but she’s got nothing to hide from any of her sisters. So she decided to lay it all down. “You know, ma and pa decided very early on that I was going inherit the farm after them. So I spent a lot of time with dad learning about the ins and outs of rock farming. It could have been Maud as well, but she decided that she’s more interested in the rocks themselves than farming them. So the responsibility all fell on me. But that resulted in me not being able to spend much time with her.”
“Aw, but you could have had so much fun together.” Pinkie commented.
“As I got older, the work just kept piling up and the days got more and more tiring. I had to spend my free time resting, to prepare for the next day. So when you and Marble were born and Maud got to spend the whole day with you two, I started feeling a bit left out. And of course, I got a bit jealous and resentful as well. One night you tried to include me in some game, but I was to too tired to deal with it. And let’s be real here Pinkie, you can be a bit exhausting to deal with.”
Pinkie giggled in embarrassment. “Sorry.”
“So I lashed out. That night I wasn’t able to sleep because I felt so awful. That’s when Marble came into the room and brushed up to me without saying anything. At first I was mad at her too, but something about the way she looked at me... I couldn’t stay angry at her. She looked past how I was acting and understood how I was feeling. And I was just glad to have somepony by my side.”
Pinkie remained silent. It never really occurred to her just how much Marble meant to Limestone. She has also never seen Limestone so gently downtrodden before. She has seen her in various levels of anger and general dissatisfaction, but never just simply sad. This was a side of her, Pinkie never got to witness. She wanted to say something, but she was cut off by Maud calling from the distance.
“I’ve found it!”
Limestone stood up quickly and hurried in the call’s direction. “Come on, let’s not keep them waiting.” Though her words got their power back, her voice remained soft.
Everypony gathered at Holder’s Boulder. Maud has already planted the flag, which was a picture of a block of marble, on top of it. She noticed that for the first time the entire day, Pinkie wasn’t bouncing with excitement. No, she wasn’t even grinning. The gears were turning in her head and she was too preoccupied to even think of smiling.
Maud pulled her aside again. “Any luck?”
“Hmm, I’ve made some great progress,” Pinkie replied, “but not in the way I expected.”
“What does that mean?”
Pinkie paused, then said: “That’s a bit of a long story. What matters is, that I think I found a way to make Limestone laugh and I’m going to need everypony’s help.”
***
The next morning, Pinkie woke everypony up her usual way: By screaming “It’s Heart’s Warming” and scaring the sheets off everypony. At this point, everypony has hidden the presents they were planning to give, including Pinkie Pie.
Everypony gathered in the dining room for some breakfast. Pinkie had her joyful energy back at this point; she ran outside just to scream “It’s Heart’s Warming” to the rest of the world. Limestone scowled with some hope that she doesn’t have to take it for too long. Heart’s Warming is over soon.
Marble opened the cupboard to see what was there to eat. That’s when she found her present from Pinkie, which fell right out of the cupboard, onto her face and pushed her onto the floor.
Pinkie gasped with excitement. “You found my present! Quick, open it!”
She tore the wrapping paper off and it was an assortment of small rocks.
“Look Limestone,” Pinkie called her over, “do you notice anything... Strange?”
“Well, we don’t usually give multiple rocks to each other.” She commented.
“It’s not that.” Pinkie continued. “She’s got some basalt, andesite, rhyolite, pumice and pitchstone...”
“That’s right.”
“All volcanic in origin, right?”
“Right...”
“But there’s no granite.”
Limestone sent a questioning look at Pinkie. “Okay?” She said, expecting an explanation.
“Interesting...” Pinkie rubbed her chin.
“I guess it is...”
“Oh, I can’t wait till you find my other presents!” Pinkie exclaimed, then bounced away with a giggle.
Limestone took a very confused look at Marble, who didn’t seem to be as confused. In fact, she had a coy smile on her cheeks, as if she understood everything Pinkie just blathered on about. And Limestone could only look back with question marks all over her face.
Pinkie was personally looking for Limestone’s present to her. Limestone didn’t really put much effort into trying to make her laugh. Or rather, no effort at all. Maybe she’s got something hysterical planned for her. But Limestone always gave a very dry response whenever Pinkie questioned her about it, which kind of made it less fun.
In the meantime, Maud found her present from Pinkie Pie.
“Quick, open it!” Pinkie shouted excitedly.
Maud tore off the wrapping and held up what looked like a decent sculpture of Limestone Pie herself.
“Look Limestone,” Pinkie called her over, “it’s you!”
“Why would you give that to her?” Limestone questioned.
“Because it’s pretty!”
“But wouldn’t it make sense if it was a sculpture of her not me?”
Pinkie giggled. “But that wouldn’t get the joke across, silly.”
“What joke?”
“You will understand it with time!” Said Pinkie before bouncing away again.
Limestone took a questioning glance at Maud, who also had a coy smile on, not unlike Marble earlier. Could she be in on it as well? This is starting to get weird.
And it just kept going. Later that day, Igneous Rock and Cloudy Quartz have also found Pinkie’s present for them. A piece of paper, with the letter V and a block of obsidian in the shape of the letter U. And they both seemed to have the same coy smile as Marble and Maud had previously.
“Okay, this is getting weird.” Limestone commented. “Am I the only one who doesn’t get it?”
Pinkie giggled. “Come to the living room with us, you’ll get it there.
So everypony gathered in the living room. Limestone came in last and with a very confused scowl looked around and everypony had the same coy smile on each of their faces.
“Go on Limestone,” Pinkie pointed at a cushioned armchair, “take a seat.”
Limestone hesitantly sat in it, getting kind of annoyed at everypony being so cryptic. She felt that the cushioning was uneven, which made the chair uncomfortable.
“Mind telling me what’s going on?” She said, while trying to get herself comfortable.
“Just take a look, Limestone!” Pinkie gave a non-answer.
Limestone peeked under the cushioning and saw something. She tried pulling it out, but it was inside very deep. But she managed to do so anyway and that’s when she realized, that the object was in fact almost as big as the armchair itself.
“What the...?” She expressed her confusion.
“Wait!” Pinkie interjected. “Before you open it, let’s go over my other presents.”
“Well...” Limestone was just about to begin...
...But Pinkie interrupted her. “First, there was Marble with her assortment of volcanic rocks.”
“Yes?”
“But there is no granite.”
“Yes.”
Pinkie said nothing and moved on. “Then came Maud with a stone sculpture of you.”
“A bit weird, but yes.” Limestone commented.
“And what did mom get?”
“A picture of the letter V”
“A vee...” Pinkie emphasised.
“Yes.”
“A veeee.” Pinkie further exaggerated the pronunciation and drew a circle in the air.
“Yes, the letter V!” Limestone slightly raised her voice.
Again, Pinkie said nothing and moved on to Igneous Rock. “And what letter did dad get?”
“The letter U.”
“And what is it made of?”
“Obsidian.”
“And what is obsidian?”
“Volcanic lava that cooled quickly.”
“Volcanic... Lava!” Pinkie reiterated.
“What is going on Pinkie?” Limestone got very annoyed by that point. “This is starting to feel like the dumbest conspiracy ever!”
“Don’t you get it?” Pinkie then began to go through all the strange presents in order. “Marble got a lot of rocks, except granite, because she will never take you for granite! Maud got a stone sculpture of you, because you’re a solid sister! And... V lava U!”
And all of that hit Limestone so hard, that the layers of sediment that built up over the years and buried her heart, suddenly broke away and let her heart beat with life once again. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the moment, but she swallowed both, because there was still a bet she had to uphold.
“Okay Pinkie,” she wiped away one tear that managed to escape, “you almost got me.”
“Oh, but you haven’t opened yours yet!” Pinkie added.
“Oh no, what is this going to be?”
Limestone ripped off the wrapping in a sort of amused worry that not many get to experience too often. And from the wrapping paper emerged a large slab of concrete, with this written on it: “Rockville 10 km”
“Did you steal this from the side of the road?” Limestone questioned.
“Well, I think it perfectly describes what I have achieved just now.” Pinkie answered.
“What do you mean, it’s just a-“ That is when Limestone understood what Pinkie was getting at.
But since Limestone wasn’t going to say it, Pinkie just had to scream it: “It’s a milestone! It’s Limestone’s milestone!”
And at that moment, Limestone’s heart received a direct hit and there was no holding back. Limestone lost it and began to laugh harder than she has ever before.
“See?” Pinkie cheered. “I made you laugh!” And from the excitement of her accomplishment, she started laughing as well.
“Hah!” Limestone pushed Pinkie with both hooves. “I made you laugh too!”
“You totally did!”
And so, they both laughed and their laughter was harder than any rock on the rock farm. Then the rest of the Pie family joined in on the laughter as well. That was quite possibly the happiest way to lose a bet. Both sides lost it, so they totally lost it.
“And now you have to throw a party for me.” Pinkie exclaimed.
“But you’re also not throwing a party at all, for the rest of winter.” Limestone replied.
“You know what?” Pinkie wiped a tear off her eye. “Just for this moment, it was worth it. I love you Limestone!”
“Well, even if I don’t always show it, I too love you Pinkie.”
Then they did something, that they don’t often get to do: they hugged and they both meant it with all their hearts.
“Come on,” Pinkie called out, “who’s ready for a Pie family group hug?”
Everypony was ready for a Pie family group hug. Anypony looking in, wouldn’t even be able to tell, that this was a family of sombre rock farmers. Just one big happy family.
See? I told you that Limestone can win even if she loses!
