Research and Development

by RarityEQM

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Profanity
Length: 3096

Twilight gets a hold of a Unicharm

Twilight Sparkle loves studying! Especially rare objects that have very little documentation on them. She's finally gotten a hold of an Alicorn Amulet and plans to throw herself into some extensive research on it.
This goes about as well as you'd expect.

*A very silly 3 A.M Rarity short.*

Published 2019-10-19 10:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-10-19 10:00:02 UTC

Day 1

Author's Note

A very silly story I've had kicking around in my head for a while lately. It could probably use a strong editing pass. I'll get to it when insomnia isn't co-writing this story for me.

Day 1

"Spike! Spike! Guess what I've found, Spike!" Twilight called, prancing into the room like a gleeful filly on Hearthswarming. Spike slowly lowered his comic book and peered at the prancing purple pony over the tattered page. Twilight was beaming from ear to ear, her eyes bright and shiny. Spike knew that smile. It was a smile that sent a cold shiver racing down his spine, despite the warm summer afternoon. That was the same smile she had after reading the complete Harry Trotter collection of fourteen books, back-to-back in one sitting. That was the same smile she had when she attempted to drill a hole in her own head, citing it would have worked had Spike not stopped her. It was a dangerous smile.

"Your marbles?" Spike asked hopefully. Twilight quickly shook her head, her smile unflinching.

"No, Spike! It's a unic- HEY!" Twilight growled, eyeing Spike and the sharp grin that took over his muzzle before he ducked back behind the safety of his comic book. She rolled her eyes, but even the dragon's sardonic comments couldn't diminish the excitement she was feeling.

"Like I was saying, I finally got a unicharm!" Twilight squealed, prancing in a small circle around the dragon seated in the beanbag. She was holding something in her mystic grip, a small brown box that she hovered around herself proudly. Spike raised an eye ridge watching her, before letting his gaze play across the room towards the door. He could make it if he distracted her...

"A what now?" He asked nervously. Twilight's smile grew ever more vast. Spike smiled too. His was not quite so bright. Or distressingly wide. Good lord, were those her molars? Did she always have that many teeth?

"A unicharm, or, more commonly known as: An Alicorn Amulet!" Twilight said smugly, her smile getting wider and wider still. Spike's eyes darted towards the door then back to Twilight. Set the bookshelf on fire. Use the smoke to your advantage. Go out the window in the confusion. Don't look back.

"A what now?" Spike asked flatly. He didn't move, despite the numerous survival instincts he had urging him for the 'flight' part of a fight or flight response.

"Do you remember when Trixie took over the town?!" Twilight asked, nearly hopping in place from one hoof to the other. Spike nodded.

"Often after screaming at three am in a cold sweat, yes," he said dryly, climbing to his feet. As casually as possible. He made slow movements. Don't make eye contact. Remember, she's more scared of you than you are of her...

"Well, she was wearing one of these when she did it! It took me months and months to get the permissions to borrow it from the royal vault! Princess Celestia said it was too dangerous for a normal unicorn to use but since I'm an Alicorn Princess now, I was able to pull some strings, do a couple of favors in the carriage parking lot behind the castle, and then I...um...Spike? Where are you going?" Twilight asked, watching the dragon stroll across the room towards the door. He kept his head down with every step, looking at the floor.

"Don't know. What town is a hundred miles away from here? Is that Dodge Junction? That's Dodge Junction, isn't it? Do you think that's far enough?" he asked. Twilight shook her head.

"No Spike, I-". Twilight began, but Spike quickly nodded.

"No, you're right, you're right. The Crystal Empire would be further. Good call," he said. Twilight tsked quietly and bounced over towards him.

"Don't be silly Spike, I'm not going to wear it, I'm just going to research it! These objects have so many layers of enchantments and spells, hexes and vexes, and all sorts of jinxes, that it could take months and months to fully understand the nature of them. But I have a plan! You see, I'm going to...uh...Spike? Spike are you listening?" Twilight asked curiously. Spike was meandering around the room, gathering comic books here and there and stacking them into a neat little pile next to the door. He glanced over his shoulder at Twilight and smiled widely.

"Not really, no, but, remember that if you burn yourself, run the spot under cold water for ten minutes. Don't drink anything under the sink and the address to the hospital is still carved into the kitchen counter, just in case you accidentally blow yourself up. Again, " he explained. Twilight glowered.

"That only happened once Spi-"

"..."

"That only happened twice, Spi-," Twilight growled. Spike turned and stared at her. He stared hard, narrowing his eyes to slits. Twilight sighed.

"Ok Spike, but it's been less than a dozen times and who's counting?!" She barked.

"The hospital? The Insurance Company? Your mother? Nurse Red Heart? The town's Undertaker? He has made so many coffins for you by now, and he's becoming upset that you're not using them," Spike replied, rattling the names off on his claw tips. Twilight gave a harsh little snort and shook her head, levitating the box up into the air. She opened it up and carefully lifted out a small silver necklace that trembled with a faint thrum of magic. Spike let his eyes dart from the necklace to Twilight and back to the necklace again. No, the crystal empire wasn't going to be far enough.

"Spike. I really need your help on this one. Look? See? It's just a necklace. I'm not going to wear it. I am going to take every precaution to make sure this is safe. This is extremely valuable knowledge to have. There is going to be a lot of data and details to look over and write down, and I need the help of my number one assistant, okay?" she cooed at him as lovingly as possible. Spike gave a quiet sigh and meandered over to Twilight, where he wrapped his arms around her neck in a comforting hug.

"Twilight, listen, I care about you, and I trust you. It's not that I'm saying don't mess around with this. It's that I'm saying: please don't mess around with this," Spike squeaked nervously. Sadly, Twilight gave a defeated sigh, and slowly turned her back, looking at the floor, downtrodden and miserable. She sniffled softly, her hopes and dreamed crushed. Spike winced.

"A-are you sure, Spike? You know I'd never make you do anything you didn't want to. But... this is a lot of work that needs to be done, and I'm going to be all alone here doing it. All by myself. No assistant to help. No dragon to bake me cookies and keep my spirits up when things get hard. No one there to make sure I go to sleep and take breaks. I...I don't know how I'm going to manage an-and...I'm not going to be able to write a proper report if I can't add that Spike, my favorite dragon helped me again. I just don't know what I'm going to do without you...without my number one assistant. ...Without my...my best friend..." Twilight whimpered, overwhelmed with sadness and dismay. She perked ear ears, waiting for Spike's apology and acceptance of his role as assistant. She waited for Spike to exclaim he was ready and willing with a quill and parchment. She waited for him to ask what clever safety precautions she'd come up with to ensure the safety of their home. She peeked over her shoulder when he didn't say anything.

Spike had gone out the window and set the bookshelf on fire.

Day 2

The coffee pot burbled and bubbled, sputtering with the ambrosia of caffeinated darkness. Twilight's favorite drink in the whole wide world. She peered at the pot thoughtfully, lapping at her lips with a dry tongue. She couldn't wait till it was finished and she could settle herself down in the library, reading every last book she had on mystic artifacts and magic devices. Anticipation gnawed at her, biting and scraping and clawing at her mind! Oh, to uncover the secrets of the Alicorn Amulet, to figure out why it drove the wearer insane, who first created them, why they were created, and what they could be used for. Why, if the energy could be harnessed for good, she'd have had enough power to defeat Tirek without even trying! She could rebuild structures, buildings damaged by natural disasters in the blink of an eye! She could heal the sick and disabled with a flick of her hoof! She make gold from thin air to help the poor and homeless with a swish of her tail. She could eat TWO double stuffed crust pizzas in a single sitting. Her mouth watered. The power was nigh unthinkable. She glanced at the coffee pot. What was taking so long!?

Twilight gave a dismal sigh and climbed to her hooves, slowly starting to pace around the kitchen counter. She could get started as soon as she had her first cup of coffee. Her first sip even. She just had to wait for the pot to stop being stupid. She was so terribly excited, she could hardly stand it. So much knowledge demanding to be discovered! So much time being wasted!! She gave an angry little snort, circling around the counter again. Why did everything have to take so long? Once she had the power of the amulet under her hooves, she'd speed up things like coffee pots and lines at the TSA. Wait, no. No. Casting time-related spells were tricky and dangerous but perhaps she could think of something else...

Twilight glanced at the pot again. Faster. GO FASTER! The knowledge was slipping away from her! She could feel it being eaten up by the passing seconds of the morning! Twilight took another trip around the counter and growled. This was insane! Why did she have to let the precious seconds of studying get away from her?! She glared at the coffee pot. It burbled. She sighed.

It crept back as an errant thought, from the corners of her mind, but crept back it did. The silly concept. A simple notion, really; what if, perhaps, she were to cast a spell upon the coffee pot for some pony to talk to. With Spike gone, Twilight was left alone in a massive castle, and of all the things she spent her time with, the coffee pot was among the top three.

She chuckled to herself. What might a coffee pot say if it were to be enchanted with the ability to speak? Would it tell jokes? What sort of humor would a coffee pot have to offer? She stole a glance back at the table where the box rested and grinned. Something more to look into when her studies got underway. She could research the sort of magic that would be required to cast such a spell and enchant such an object. The power of the Alicorn Amulet held endless impossibilities! Why, she could even imbue the coffee maker with power to force it to speed up its painfully slow process. How much power would something like that require, though? She paused in thought, glancing over at the pot in question. It burbled.

A trickle charge would do, she theorized. A simple spell that would slowly feed more and more power into the machine, accumulating magic as not to overload it or cause any sort of magical lash back. Another thought crept into her head. How much magic had it already absorbed? Twilight used it every day, cradling it in her telekinetic grip without thinking about it, but surely it absorbed some magic run off, right? That made sense, didn't it? She peered at the coffee pot quietly. How much magic had it absorbed over the years? Had different unicorns handled it before she'd purchased it from the shop? Different magical auras caressing the shiny glass before she'd gotten her hooves on it? What would happen if it interacted with the Alicorn Amulet sitting only a few feet away? So many questions! So little time to study! WHY WAS IT TAKING SO LONG?!

Twilight huffed. It almost felt like it was going slowly on purpose to keep her from the knowledge she craved. Was it challenging her? Surely not. It was an inanimate object. It could not speak. She had not cast a spell on it yet, and it could not offer challenges to her authority. She was the one in charge of the kitchen, neigh, the castle itself!

Unless...

Unless she didn't need to cast a spell on it. Had it absorbed so much of her magic that it had gained sentience? Was that a thing? She needed to do research, and for that, she would need coffee. Coffee the pot refused to give her. She scoffed. No. No. That was silly. A unicorn's magic wasn't strong enough to give an object sentience just by having wayward magical excess seep into it. But was an Alicorn's magic strong enough? She was an Alicorn, and a powerful one at that...could it be...

Foolish. It was foolish to think the pot was somehow mocking her, deliberately going as slow as possible to deny her the java flavored goodness she pined for. Twilight laughed. It was silly to think it was trying to hide its sentience from her. Absurd, even. It couldn't hide it. Not from Twilight. She was too smart for that. The pot knew who was in control here and if it knew what was good for it, it would deliver her liquid energy sooner than later, lest it be smashed to the floor. Twilight marched up to the pot and glared into the shiny glass surface. Did it not understand what power she held? Did it think it could simply mosey along at whatever pace it wished without answering to Twilight's demands?

"Oh...I get it," Twilight chuckled quietly. Her grin widened. "I get it. That's cute. Very cute. I understand. You think you're more powerful than me now, is that it?" Twilight cooed sweetly. She shot a glance towards the kitchen table where the smallish jewelry box lay patiently waiting for her. Along the edges where it split open, she could catch the faintest trace of glimmering light from the sleeping power held within. She turned towards the coffee pot. Slowly.

It was obvious. It had been watching her. Studying her. Watching her habits and learning about her, and now, when she needed it the most, the pot was making its move. Now that it had a necklace of indescribable power in the room with it, it could finally take over. Like it always wanted. It knew Twilight was a slave to its grounded goodness, a hopeless addict to its caffeinated divinity! It had merely been biding its time! Waiting for the perfect moment to strike, when Twilight was at her weakest!! She'd brought the necklace into her home without even realizing the danger she'd put herself in!!

Immediately, Twilight shot a nervous glance towards the coffee pot and narrowed her eyes. Oh, it was close. It had almost lulled her into a false sense of security. Without her coffee, her dulled reflexes would have made her an easy target, but she was far too clever for such a fate!

"NOT TODAY, SATAN!" Twilight shrieked, launching a blast of magic at the pot, immediately disintegrating it into a pile of ashes!

"HAHAHA! Twilight: One, coffee: Zero!" Twilight shrieked in success. Carefully, she reached out with an aura of purple telekinesis and grasped, the small brown box on the table clutching it close. Ha! Brown! The box was brown, the color of coffee! She knew the coffee pot was plotting against her! Wasn't the box black before? She was sure that it was! Positive! No, no, she was too smart to be done in by kitchen appliances. Wait...

Slowly, Twilight peered around the room until her eyes locked on the toaster, daring it to make a move. She was onto it. She was on to all of them! She took a step back, and then another, and another still, keeping her eyes trained on the deadly device at all times. Was it looking at her? She could see her reflection in the shiny chrome staring back at her. Had the toaster always been so shiny? Was that really her? Was it laughing at her? She narrowed her eyes to slits, taking another step back, and paused when something cold touched her butt.

The refrigerator. Oh, shi-

She whipped around immediately, peering up at the giant looming monstrosity. Could she defeat a refrigerator? No. No, not without her coffee. Not in her weakened state. It was all a marvelous, beautiful trick. They made her destroy her coffee pot! Fiendish! She was vulnerable without her wake-up juice! The kitchen was a sinister trap! She had to escape!! The hallway?! Oh, Celestia, could she make it to the hallway?! Twilight swallowed and flexed her legs, not daring to take her eyes off the refrigerator in front of her. She had to risk it. The longer she stayed in the kitchen the more powerful the appliances could become. She was lucky enough to catch the coffee before it could spring its trap on her!

Gripping the box as tightly as she could in her magic, Twilight made a mad dash for the front hall, skidding across the floor with a squeal as she bolted from the kitchen. Had the refrigerator taken a swipe at her? No. No it was her imagination! She was safe! She made it, but where would she go? The whole castle could have been contaminated with magical energy! What could she trust?! The library! Her books! The books would never betray her, or try to stab her in the back. Except for the book: The Great Betrayal. She would have to keep an eye on it, but the rest? Yes. The rest would surely help her! She just had to make it there in one piece. Down the hall and to the left. Not a problem. Nothing could be simpler, especially now that she'd escaped the kitchen. Once she was safely in the library, she could begin her research on the shiny amulet she held hovering over her head. Coffee or no coffee, she couldn't wait to get started.