Spike Ain't Fuckin' Playin'
A huge smile lay on the purple dragon’s face and it looked as if nothing could possibly bring him down. Looking at all these happy-go-lucky ponies galloping around town kept making his day so much brighter. With a little skip in his step, he began interacting with the residents.
First up was Cheerilee, who noticed the beaming smile upon him.
“Hi there, Spike! What’s got you in such a good mood?”
“Oh, hey there, Cheerilee,” he responded, giving a slight pause before unleashing what he had been waiting to do since he woke up today. He cocked his claws back and thrust forward two of the same obscene gestures. “Fuck you!”
Cheerilee gasped and immediately questioned this behavior. “Spike! What was that for?!”
Spike raised both fists in the air, keeping his double claw salute for all to see now. “Because fuck you! That’s why!”
Cheerilee, visibly angry, attempted to reprimand his behavior. “Well! Wait until Twilight hears of this! You’ll be in so much trouble!”
Still displaying his gesture, he walked towards the next unfortunate soul, without a care. “I don’t fucking care! Tell the whole fucking world!”
That was all Cheerilee could handle. She stood there, mouth agape, appalled at these obscenities being uttered. Especially from Spike! Where was this coming from?
Spike, however, walked up to a fruit stand and cursed the food.
“Fuck you, oranges! Eat shit, pears! Suck a dick, bananas!”
“Hey! Hey!” the sales pony behind the stand yelled at him. “Watch your mouth, kid!”
Spike looked straight at him, still smiling and unleashed his gesture again. “I do what I want, motherfucker!”
“That’s it!” the pony shouted, “Get out of here!”
“Hold the fuck up!” he stopped him. “I’m not done yet…” Spike took a deep and continued his tirade. “Up yours, watermelon! Strawberries? Fuck that shit! And last, but not least…”
An orange pony trotted by, completely oblivious to this point.
“Fuck you, apples!”
Her ear twitched and her eye winced. The whole town seemed to quiet down as her instincts kicked in.
“Who said that?” she asked quietly, to which no one immediately answered. Her tone raised. “WHO SAID THAT?!”
Spike now heard the familiar voice of his friend. “Oh, hey Applejack!”
Applejack walked over to him, a death glare on her face. “What did you just say?” she asked ominously.
Without hesitation, he instantly gave his reply. “Fuck you, apples!”
In an attempt to stare him down, she first asked him the burning question. “Spike, do you know what those words mean?”
“Fuck yes I do!”
That only seemed to make matters worse. She commanded him to regret his choice of words. “Take it back.”
For the moment, his smile disappeared, and he fell silent.
“TAKE IT BACK!” she ordered, with increased frustration in her voice.
“I-I’m sorry…”
The look of death vanished. “That’s ok,” her tone calmer than before. “Just as long as you never…”
“For not giving a FUCK what you think!” he interrupted, pushing himself away with middle claws extended. “Eat shit, farm girl!” he shouted, running off to the town square.
Applejack couldn’t believe it. He really did mean it. Who in their right mind would say such a thing? And about apples. The nerve of him! Something was definitely wrong here. She had to get some help. She cleared her mind of these insults and galloped quickly towards the castle.
Skipping playfully with his claws still retaining that offensive sign, he noticed a crowd of them gathered around the Mayor, who seemed to be making an announcement.
“Thank you once again for your cooperation and dedication to this important cause. It means the whole world to me and this town!” Cheers erupted and stomping of hooves shook the ground beneath for a while.
But as soon as the crowd died down, Spike knew it was his time to shine.
“Hey, Mayor. Fuck you!” he shouted from the back.
Gasps filled the air and chattering clamored around the podium.
“Did he just say…?”
“Spike? Of all the…”
“No way he would…”
The mayor cleared her throat and pressed on, knowing the insult was directed right at her. “As to those who disagree, I humbly ask for your forgiveness and plead you to at least think about changing your mind.”
“Fuck that shit!” he added.
“Excuse you!” she confronted the voice. “To whoever is saying such dreadful things, please keep in mind that there are children here!”
“Who gives a fuck about them?”
“Security!” She looked over to her bodyguards. “Find this heckler and get rid of them!”
“I’m right here, dipshits!” he danced around, jumping to get attention. “Come and get me, bitches!”
Mayor Mare finally got a look at the perpetrator and covered her mouth. Little Spike? Where did he learn some language like that? How dreadful!
“Security,” she added. “Go easy on him, he’s just a kid.”
“La-di-da-di-da,” he sang. “Fuck this whole town! Eat shit and die! Fuck your stupid shit!”
And… that’s it. Something had snapped.
Not only did the Mayor jump into the crowd, forelegs flailing; she also sprinted full force at the dragon, her adrenaline pumping.
Spike had never seen such anger come from someone. However, this still didn’t fully faze him as all he did was simply run, middle claws in the sky.
The mayor vowed to take down this rude citizen once and for all, but this demon was surprisingly agile. Every time that she dove to catch him and pin him down, he would somehow slip away, letting out another obscene quip after every miss. She just couldn’t seem to catch him, as he continually ran around benches, jumped over stands and even went back to her podium, evading security, much to her annoyance.
All seemed to be going well for Spike until a pesky stone had tripped him up and caused him to faceplant onto the dirt. He cursed, this time in pain, and turned around to find a very exhausted pony, with a complexion full of satisfaction.
“Spike,” she said, “I don’t know what’s gotten into you or how you ever know these words, but you’re going to be punished for this. I will not stand for this.”
Nothing came to mind, and defeat loomed upon him.
“I hope you like stale crackers and touchy-feely inmates,” she told him. “Because that’s all you’ll be getting for a while.” She leaped onto where he lay and prepped for a wriggly dragon.
Instead what she got was nothing but a gust of air.
Spike opened his eyes and he was being flown away, much to his delight. He shouted one final insult at her.
“Good job, shithead!”
The mayor raised her hooves in the air and screamed.
“Haha!” he laughed. “Thanks a lot!”
Silence.
“Okay… you can drop me off outside of Ponyville. I can’t stay here for a while,” he quietly told the mysterious flying friend.
Still nothing.
He noticed a familiar building coming into view. “Wait, wait. Don’t drop me off here! I need to leave town!”
Once again, silent.
He looked up and noticed the color of the flying creature.
Purple. Specifically, lavender.
“Oh, fuck me…”
A dark room from the castle was suddenly illuminated by candlelight. Spike sat in a chair near the middle, unaware of what was going to happen.
A sigh escaped from nearby the door.
“Spike,” Twilight told him. “I need to know.”
“Know what?” he responded.
“First,” her hoof smacked down onto the ground, “where you learned that language. And second, why you chose to speak like that around everypony.”
Unrepentant, he prodded her. “Who gives a shit?!”
“SPIKE!” she shouted. “I need you to stop. Those words are not appropriate!”
“Yeah, no shit…”
“Sp...!” she started but let out another sigh. “I didn’t want it to have to come to this, but you leave me no choice.”
“Oh, I’m so scared…”
Her magic opened the doors opened and levitated a stack of thin books into the room.
“Oh woooow,” he sarcastically dragged on, “will I have to read all of these books… again?”
“These aren’t just any books,” she told him. “These are your books.”
“Big deal, I’ve read those… against my will.”
“Your… comic books,” she explained.
“I thought you going to punish me…”
“You won’t be reading them, Spike,” she told him. “Every utterance of a curse word from you will result in an issue of yours destroyed.”
“You wouldn’t fucking dare…”
A sudden zap from her horn disproved him immediately, turning issue #35 into dust.
“You… son of a bitch! I’ve spent years on-AH!” he yelled, but another one disintegrated before his very eyes.
“Stop fucking…!” he covered his mouth, but it was too late; it had slipped. There goes the third one. Spike knew now that he had to keep his language under control. She had happened to destroy the rarest ones.
“Do I make myself clear?” She shot him an angry look.
“Y-Yes, ma’am,” he obeyed.
“Now Spike,” she softly spoke. “Tell we where you learned those words.”
“I-I can’t!” he admitted. “She’d kill me!”
Her ears perked. “Oh, so it’s a girl?”
“Shit…” he said without thought, and then with regret as another copy turned to ash.
“The faster you tell me, the faster this gets resolved, Spike,” she badgered.
“I can’t!” he reiterated.
Another sigh came from the princess. “Fine then. I’ll have to guess.” She paced back and forth slowly, a guess every so often. “Is it another pony?”
“No.”
“Is it a changeling?”
“No.”
“Is it a yak?”
“No.”
“Is it another dragon?”
“…no.”
She noticed hesitation on that last one, so she decided to take a gamble, hoping to call his bluff. “I think you’re lying, Spike.”
“Am not.”
“I think so. You have a tell.”
“I am telling you!” he yelled.
“No, Spike,” she explained. “A tell. It’s something that you do differently while lying. I heard it.”
“What is it then?” he ordered; arms folded.
She collected her thoughts and proceeded. “Whenever you lie, you take a tiny bit longer to tell me. It’s almost not noticeable, but I have a keen sense for these things.”
He caved. There was no sense arguing with her skillset. “Okay, fine! It was a dragon, big deal!”
“Who was it?” she continued pressing him.
He sighed. There was no sense hiding it. “Smolder…” he mumbled.
“What?”
“Smolder,” he admitted.
“Smolder?” She repeated, shocked. “She’s one of the best students we have! She wouldn’t have any need for that language.”
“She said that all dragons use those words. She was actually surprised that I didn’t know them.”
“I don’t understand,” she said. “I thought my students were all decent and eloquent creatures.”
“Twilight,” Spike said in disbelief. “That’s delusional. That school is literally full of adolescents. Once something remotely controversial is said; that sh…” he caught himself, clearing his throat. “It’s going to spread like wildfire.”
“Okay, okay. Fair point…” she trailed off. “But why did you decide to run around town yelling those words like that if you knew they were bad?”
Spike scratched his head, pausing to properly word what he was going to say. “Smolder… kinda got preachy with me,” he admitted. “She told me that a dragon doesn’t care what others think of them and that only real dragons could say stuff like that. That’s why we were so powerful. We could say what we really meant. No bullsh… uh, unfiltered.”
Twilight took another guess. “Smolder probably bet that you couldn’t do that around town today.”
“Hmph. Lucky guess.”
“Still, I can’t believe Smolder would do such a thing like that!”
“Twilight, I shouldn’t have fallen for that. I’m still a kid, but I should have known better,” he defended, taking full responsibility on himself.
She was adamant, however. “Smolder will be punished, Spike,” she told him. “It’s admirable that you’d stick up for her after all of this.”
Spike sighed. Sure, Smolder might kick his ass, but at least he might get off scot-free.
“Don’t think that her punishment exempts you though,” she reprimanded him. “Triple chores for this month. Is that fair?”
He groaned. “Yes, Twilight,” he solemnly agreed. It’ll be a tough month, but it could have gone worse.
“Good. Now I suggest,” Twilight began, as she opened the doors once again, “that you go apologize for what you said today.
He slowly jumped off the chair and made his way to the door into the hallway. He and Twilight walked in silence until they reached the front door.
A short walk away from the castle, Spike noticed that the mail had arrived. Only a single envelope today, this time, strangely addressed for Spike, to which he opened, unrolled the paper, and read it to himself.
“Uh oh…”
“What is it, Spike?” Twilight asked.
A sheepish grin covered his face. “Well… I might be banned from the town square.” He held up the scroll. “Mayor’s decree.”
Twilight took it from his claws, glancing quickly at the document.
“Spike!” Twilight shouted at him. “What the fuck did you say to the Mayor?!”
…
His eyes went wide as Twilight gasped and covered her mouth.
“I didn’t…” she said, shaking her head.
Spike stifled a chuckle but fell to the ground hysterically laughing as the final fuck sent him over the edge.
Author's Note
Quick one-off that I wrote cause I was bored and reading a bunch of B_25 fics. This is somwehat inspired by him.
