My Honour and My Fatherland

Chapter 5: My Honour and My Fatherland

Pinkie Pie hasn’t moved from Jean’s side, even now two weeks after his accident. Last week, Princess Luna showed them all Jean’s horrible nightmares of a war in his home world, and those images have been all that’s been on her mind ever since.

Both of her friends who witnessed it with her had reactions differing from each other: Twilight Sparkle has been in her castle, comparing Jean’s nightmares to everything in Equestrian history, right from the early days of ponies up until now, trying to find something to compare it to, something that’ll help her understand.

Last she heard, nothing in Equestrian history can compare.

And poor Fluttershy was devastated by all the suffering he’d seen and experienced. She was the first one to cry afterwards, followed shortly by Pinkie herself.

She’s stayed with Pinkie as often as she could, trying to comfort both her and the comatose Jean, but it’s clear she wishes she could do more for the poor dear. Unfortunately, today was one of the days where her duties at the animal sanctuary demand her attention.

Pinkie’s lib begins to quiver as she tries to process the horrors she witnessed in Jean’s dream. She’s had a week to do so, but it still baffles her completely.

So much death, so much suffering, and she still doesn’t know why. She caresses his hand as she’s done all this time, sitting all by herself. The others have lives of their own they had to get back to, but she has remained by his side, refusing to leave until he gets better.

Or at the very least wakes up.

She hears the door open up behind her and turning to look she finds Princess Luna entering the room, “Hi, Princess Luna.” She says, giving a small smile.

Luna gives a similar smile, “Hello, Pinkie Pie. I understand you have not moved from his bedside?”

Pinkie gives a simple nod in return and returns her gaze to Jean. “I’ve tried to understand what we saw in his dreams while I-I wait for him to wake up.”

Luna gives a nod and observes Jean a moment before she speaks, “Do you understand now, Pinkie Pie?”

“I’ve tried to… it’s all that’s been on my mind. But I just can’t understand.” She turns to look at Luna with a heartbroken expression, drawing sympathy from the moon princess, “Why? Why would they kill each other? Why would-why would they do that?” Her voice chokes up as tears well up in her eyes, “Why?”

“I do not know, Pinkie Pie, I wish I could offer explanation, but I can’t. All we know is the ensuing horror.”

“There’s something else, princess, something I thought about.” Pinkie takes a moment to steady herself, peeking Luna’s interest, “I heard once that ponies in your dreams are all ponies you’ve seen in real life. Is that true?”

Luna gives a nod, sensing where this is headed.

“A lot of the creatures in Jean’s dream had faces we could see, that were unique. Does-does that mean they were all real and… died?”

Luna nods slowly, “They are most definitely some he has known or seen, and the possibility of them having died is very real. This also goes for the ones that he killed in the dream.”

“The ones he killed…” She repeats slowly and looks back at him. She had thought a little about it, and the more she did the more it made sense. He tried to kill her, then fought against her friends. How many more would he have hurt if he thought he had to defend himself?

“How long do you intend to stay?”

“Until he wakes up.”

“That could be a long time.”

“I know.”

Luna falls silent a moment, then speaks again, “Have Twilight Sparkle write if you ever need to talk, Pinkie Pie. Dreams can be… difficult to understand.” Pinkie gives a little smile and a nod.

“Will do, princess, thanks.” Pinkie rises for the first time in hours before giving Luna a quick, yet heartfelt hug, taking the her by surprise, yet she is quick to smile and return the hug with her wings.

“You are most welcome.” After the hug is over, they both share a last smile, Luna’s reassuring while Pinkie’s is hopeful, before the pink pony is once more left alone to watch over Jean in his deep slumber.

“Oh, Jean, you poor thing.” She says quietly, her eyes full of sorrow.

“What happened back in your world? What happened?” She turns her gaze downwards while a single tear trails down her cheek.

“War.”

Pinkie’s ears perk up and she slowly raises her gaze back to Jean, “What?”

His eyes are slightly open, along with his mouth. Pinkie feels a rush of happiness wash over her at seeing him finally awaken.

“War,” He says again a little louder this time, “the war came…”

Pinkie’s surprise makes her momentarily speechless before she leans in a bit closer to him, wanting to hear everything he says, “You understand me? You speak Ponish?”

“I speak English, French, German,” He says quietly and raises his head slightly, speaking in a weak voice, “my father taught me. He-he taught languages at school.”

“School?” The gears in Pinkie’s head begin to turn, putting all the pieces in place, “That’s incredible! But if you can understand me, why didn’t you back at Sugarcube Corner?”

“You mean that bakery?” Pinkie nods, making Jean breathe deeply, “I-I don’t know. I woke up in a forest outside your town after a battle. I thought I’d died and gone to hell, or somehow got lost in No Man’s Land.”

“No Man’s Land? What’s that?” The confusion in Pinkie begins to build even as answers are given.

“A land belonging to no man, Pinkie, a land between us and the enemy. Only death reigns there.”

“And you thought you were there?”

A nod confirms her suspicion, “I was lost in that forest for hours, until I finally found your town. I was so hungry that when I saw the bakery I-I broke in and tried to find food.”

Pinkie nods, remembering the raided fridge, “And that’s when I found you?”

“Yes,” He affirms, “and I heard you, I really did but… I was still locked in that battle, a battle that-that should have killed me. So, I-I tried to kill you…”

“You thought I was one of them?” She pets his hand gently with her hoof, slowly beginning to understand.

“I did, I thought all of you were. But when that sun rose I-I could clearly see where I was. I was no longer on that hill… no longer among the dead.”

Pinkie tries to give him a reassuring smile, “That’s good, right? You’re here in Equestria, and not back there where bad things are happening. You’re safe now.”

Jean shakes his head, “No, Pinkie, I’m not.”

Pinkie’s smile turns into a confused frown, “What do you mean?”

Jean looks towards the window a moment, out onto Ponyville. The small town is being illuminated by Celestia’s spring sun, creating an idyllic scene of gentle serenity. It’s enough to make anypony having a bad day smile, yet it only seems to worsen Jean’s mood, making his frown grow bigger and bigger the longer he observes the view.

Finally, a single tear rolls down his cheek, before he turns to Pinkie, a sad, solemn expression on his face, his eyes full of sorrow.

"I'm blind, but I can see. I'm deaf, but I can hear. I still see the smouldering battlefield, and I hear the shells whizzling through the air. I see them exploding, deforming the land, and I hear the explosion while I see the shrapnel tear my friends apart, ripping their flesh to pieces.

“Most of all, I hear them, Pinkie, I hear the screams, the screams as they lay dying, crying out for their mothers to come save them. And the smell, dear God, the smell was terrible. Powder, oil and rotting flesh all assaulting your nose. It was horrible."

Pinkie chokes back some tears as she listens, “But then why fight at all? Were you forced to?” Jean breathes heavily before he continues, “I volunteered, Pinkie, along with thousands of others.” He gazes her straight into the eyes as he speaks.

“I wanted to fight for my country, defend it from invasion, from an enemy that would seek to shame us.”

Pinkie can understand wanting to fight to protect your home, she’s done it herself multiple times against big meanies that wanted to take over or destroy Equestria. For the life of her, though, she can’t understand how anyone could ever go so far. Before she can ask, however, Jean continues.

“You know what made me fight? What didn't make me put a bullet in my head or stab my leg?” Pinkie shakes her head and focuses on him, wanting to both hear and understand his reasoning for enduring such horrors.

“It was my honour, Pinkie, my honour wouldn't allow it. How could anyone go to war and call themselves a soldier, if they'd just kill or wound themselves to get away?

“And it wasn't just that. It was our duty, the duty we had to our nation, our fatherland. We couldn't just abandon the fatherland in its hour of need...but now, after everything I've seen...everything I've done...I wish I had. I fought for my honour and my fatherland...and I wish I was dead...”

Tears are now trailing down Pinkie Pie’s cheeks as she takes in his words, “N-no, you don’t mean that. I-I’ll be here for you, I promise, we can be friends and I’ll help you! Please…”

The desperation is clear in her voice, her attempts to hold back her sobs now failing completely. Jean scans her face, seeming to consider something, before he speaks.

“I suppose there is one thing you can do.” He says with barely any emotion.

Pinkie smiles through her tears, hope welling up inside her, “Yes, yes, anything.”

Jean motions her closer with his finger, prompting her to do so, before he speaks. “My revolver, get me my revolver.”

“Revolver? The little canon?” Pinkie says carefully, making Jean smile and nod, “Oui, yes.”

Pinkie retracts her head slowly as thoughts run through her head. Her initial thought is to go ask the princesses where it is so she can deliver it to her friend in hopes that it will make him happy, make him better. But then another, darker thought crosses her mind for but a moment, prompting her to stop herself from leaving to find it.

“W-why do you want it?” She asks carefully, making Jean smile sadly.

“I want to end it, Pinkie, I don’t want to live with these memories, these horrible, awful memories. Please, Pinkie, help me end it.”

Pinkie takes a step back, a scared expression on her face, “I-I can’t Jean,” Her words make Jean frown heavily, “I-I don’t want you to die.” She continues, horrified at his wish.

“Kill me.” He mumbles and forces himself up on his weak arms, “Please, kill me.”

“We-we can help you, Jean, I- “

“KILL ME!!!” He screams at the top of his lungs, scaring Pinkie and making her stumble back, “Kill me, kill me, kill me!” The door to the room flies open and a doctor hurries in, “What’s going on in here?”

Not answering him, Pinkie runs past him out the door, tears streaming down her face as Jean continues to shout behind her those same two words: “Kill me.”

Pinkie stops in the hallway and collapses onto her haunches, her hair now gone completely straight while she cries heavily.

‘He wants to die. He wants to die, and I can’t help him’

The thought keeps running through her head as staff runs past her and into the room in an attempt to subdue Jean, make him calm down with medicine.

‘He’s given up.’ The thought hits her like a train, crushing her completely. She isn’t sure how long she cries, feeling lost and devastated. Slowly, a different train of thought begins to enter her mind.

“No.” She raises her head upwards, looking up at the ceiling lamp that shines brightly down on her, filling her with renewed vigor and making a new, confident smile emerge on her face.

“He might have given up,” Pinkie whispers to herself more so anypony else, “but I won’t give up on him.”

The End