Sonata Dusk, Commando Crusader
The whole thing began the way these things usually did; with Sonata deciding to set all of Aria and Adagio’s underwear on fire in the backyard.
The other two former sirens stared at the burning mountain of panties on the pool deck in disbelief. Sonata had waited until Aria was in the shower, and Adagio had dozed off while sunning herself on a lounge chair next to the pool. Only the smell of burning cotton and nylon -- plus Aria screaming her head off at Sonata -- had awoken her.
“Why?” Adagio asked, her voice somewhere between anger and exhausted resignation. Every month or so, Sonata started some new obsession. One month it was archery, the next elaborate cake baking, the month after that Marxist Communism. Nearly all of them started with Sonata burning something, and frankly, it was getting old.
“Panties are evil!” Sonata declared, raising a finger to the sky. “They are the tools of societal oppression. Designed to restrain our nethers with cotton, silk, lace, and nylon and keep our most sensitive bits, and ourselves, from feeling true freedom.”
“Have you been going on those damn Blueit conspiracy boards again?” Aria groaned. She stood next to Adagio, clad in a towel.
“No!” Sonata huffed. “Well, I mean, I’ve been on Blueit, but not to those boards. This is a new one!”
“Which is?”
“\b\GenitalSlavery!”
“Genital… Slavery?” Adagio closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “And what, she asked, knowing full well she was going to regret it, is ‘genital slavery?’”
“Well, there were a bunch of studies done in Europe which showed that tight underwear leads to low birth rates, and sexual dysfunction, and all kinds of stuff which makes your sex life horrible. I like sex--”
“We know,” chimed Adagio and Aria. Many were the nights they had been awoken by Sonata’s latest sexual conquest begging for mercy. Many were the one night stands who had left the house bowlegged, severely chafed, or in one memorable instance, having to be hauled out by EMTs due to severe dehydration and a massively bruised pelvis.
“And all the people on the subbleuit were saying we had to do something about it. Because you know, animals don’t wear underwear and don’t seem to have these kind of problems --”
“Except when the pandas don’t fuck,” Aria muttered under her breath.
“ -- So we all decided to band together and stop enslaving our genitals in their cloth prisons! Let the dangly bits dangle!”
“Okay,” Adagio said, taking a deep breath in order to stay calm. “You don’t want to wear underwear anymore. Fine. Whatever. Now, please explain to me--”
Her hand shot out, grabbed the front of Sonata’s shirt and dragged her closer so she could see the fury in Adagio’s eyes.
“-- WHY IN THE SWEET MERCIFUL FLYING FUCK YOU DECIDED TO BURN OUR UNDERWEAR AS WELL?!”
“Well, duh!” Sonata’s grin was completely devoid of guile. “I figured you guys would want to not be slaves to your underwear either. Solidarity, sisters! Well, I mean, metaphorical sisters. If we were actual sisters that would make that night we got drunk after the Rainbooms beat us at the Canterlot Bowl REALLY weird. You know, when Aria demanded I put that cactus right up her--”
“Quiet.” Adagio closed her eyes and took another deep breath. “This is what you’re going to do. You are --”
“Going to go out and spread the word,” Aria finished. Both Adagio and Sonata looked at her, confused.
Adagio blinked. “What?”
Aria walked over and gently separated Sonata from Adagio’s grip. “I think it’s a great idea. But you shouldn’t just limit it to us. I think everyone in town would benefit from this change in lifestyle.”
“Really?” Sonata’s eyes sparkled.
“Have you been huffing the oven cleaner again?” Adagio asked.
“None of your business,” Aria snapped. “And tell that damn crimson lizard on your shoulder to stop grinning at me. This has nothing to do with him. I think Sonata’s onto something.”
“She’s on something all right.”
Aria ignored her and turned back to Sonata. “You should go out there and liberate everyone from the tyranny of their underwear!”
“Yes!” Sonata cheered.
“Divest them of their panties, briefs, and boxers!”
“Yes!”
“Show them the true freedom that can only come from breaking the unmentionable chains that bind them!”
“YESSSSS!”
“And you should start at Canterlot High!” Aria threw and arm around Sonata’s shoulders and drew her close, raising her other arm to the sky. “Imagine it, Sonata! You could lead a whole generation in the new order! An order free of opression! Free of chafing! Free of crotch funk!”
“NO CROTCH FUNK!” Sonata cheered.
“EWWWW!” Adagio gagged.
Aria slapped Sonata on the back, pushing the girl toward the gate in the backyard fence. “Go forth, Sonata! Lead them to freedom! Take their underpants and show them the way!”
“I WILL!” Sonata started forward then looked back at Aria. “Wait. What if they don’t want me to free them from their underwear?”
Aria grinned. “Who said you were going to give them a choice? Freedom isn’t free, right?”
“Oh! Right!” Sonata returned the grin and bolted out of the gate. “FOR FREEEEEEEDOOOOOMMMMM!”
Aria let out a satisfied sigh. Adagio looked at her, incredulous.
“What. in the FUCK. Was that?”
“Me getting her out of the house for the rest of the day, allowing us to use her credit card to replace our underwear.”
“You just told her to go steal the underwear from everyone at that high school.”
“I did.” Aria looked at Adagio, a satanic grin on her face. “Funny how her little obsession is going to make life unbearable for the Rainflumes and their classmates while getting her out of our hair, isn’t it?”
Adagio blinked, then her crooked smile slowly made its appearance. “Sometimes, Aria, you impress the shit out of me.”
“I know. Now hurry up and get dressed. I wanna be here when the cops bring her home.”
“What makes you think that’s going to happen?”
“Remember the Save the Snails campaign she held at the Canterlot Flower and Garden Expo?”
“Oh yes,” Adagio said. “We never did find out where her clothes disappeared to.”
Author's Note
Thanks to CapnNTilfy for the chapter title.
This story will be updated on the "whenever the hell I write something for it" schedule.
