Equestria's Got Evil Talent
Welcome back to “Equestria’s Got Evil Talent!” The show where we’re looking for the next up-and-coming villain prodigy to fill the empty spot in between this group of veteran evil-doers, left by the almighty King Sombra due to “creative differences”, and join them in their conquest of Equestria. My name isn’t important, but I’m telling you anyway, Zwie Tracht. Look forward to another episode filled with crazy hijinks, surprising talents and entertaining reactions of our judges. Speaking of our judges, let’s introduce them quickly.
This little pegasus filly may look cute on the outside, but is totally sour on the inside, Cozy Glow. As one of Equestria’s youngest larger-scale villains she nearly managed to trap Twilight Sparkle and her friends in Tartarus, remove all magic of this world and rule Equestria by… having the most friends… however that was supposed to work.
Cozy sneezes.
Then we have the one, the only, the big red magic-eating centaur, Tirek. A legend even among the worst baddies. Twice did he already try to absorb all the magic in Equestria and twice did he lose to the ponies at the very last second. Despite that he’s one of the few that can say of themselves that they managed to outwit the lord of chaos himself, even though Discord the Great is probably the strongest, wisest, prettiest specimen to float over this earth. But I’m losing track…
“Am I the only one that hears a weird voice talking?”
Next we have the big nasty bug that's still haunting the nightmares of some of the princesses (ask Luna), Chrysalis. As the former queen of the Changelings she tried multiple times to take the leaders of this land out of commission and drain the love of its citizens. Because of this she has the most experience in dealing with Twilight Sparkle and her friends. Although spending the last months alone in the woods might have played with her sanity a bit.
“Just ignore them like I always do.”
Last but certainly not least, the almighty goat and leader of this league of supervillains, Grogar. An ancient evil overlord, who tried to take over these lands even before Equestria was formed and since then has been biding his time, waiting for the right moment to strike back at the ponies. We might not know the full extent of his powers yet, but the fact alone that he managed to gather all these villains here is quite telling of his abilities.
“Silence, you three. This will require all of your attention.”
And with the introductions finally out of the way, let’s focus on the first contestant of this episode, who’s already approaching the judge’s table. This turquoise pegasus from Cloudsdale became the leader of her own group of stunt fliers, the Washouts, after she was kicked out of the Wonderbolts. She’s here today because of “unfinished business with Rainbow Dash”.
“So, Lightning Dust,” Grogar starts. “What do you think qualifies you to become a member of our group?”
“Well, as the founder of the famous Washouts I’m a natural born leader and as a pegasus I’d put my weather manipulation skills at least above average. But my best quality is of course my speed.” She punctuates this by zipping several times across the cave at high speed. “I’m super fast, super quick and super rad and the perfect choice for you.”
Lightning Dust seems very sure of herself, but are the judges so sure of her, too?
Chrysalis begins. “As someone with lots of ‘unfinished business’ herself I appreciate a good revenge story. You’ll get a Yes from me.”
Tirek is next. “I’m afraid this here might be over your level. What you have with this Rainbow Dash is something you should clear up between only you two. Not to mention I doubt you’re able to understand the complex magics we’re working with here. And fast and quick mean the same thing. So, No from me.”
One Yes and one No. Let's see what Cozy Glow has to say. “I’m a huge fan and really like your outfits.” ...I’ll take that as a Yes.
Now it’s up to Grogar. “Sorry to pop your little bubble, but I have to agree with my rational colleague Tirek on this one. From your history I can see that you have a pretty reckless attitude and problems with working in a team, which would make you a dangerous liability in my plans and I already have more than enough of those…”
“Hey, don’t talk about my bestie Chrysalis that way!”
“As I was saying, we might be planning to ruin everyone's lives, but that doesn’t work if you ruin ours first. From me another No and if you didn’t know, in case of a tie mine is the deciding vote, so you can go now.”
“Pah, as if I need you guys,” Lightning grumbles while turning away.
Lightning Dust, do you have any final words to our viewers at home? “Oh yeah. Rainbow Dash, if you’re seeing this, mark my words this–” Oops! Sorry, time’s over. “Huh? What do you meeeaaa–” She gets pulled off stage by a lasso.
That one was certainly a dud. Let’s straight move on to our next contestant. And her name is… Beatrice Marion Lulamoon? Ohoho, now that’s some nice leverage right here– ahem, I mean, will she be able to convince our prestigious judges? No matter what, I’m certain the next few minutes will be entertaining. Hold the popcorn ready.
A blue unicorn with a purple witch hat and matching cape approaches the table.
“Don’t I know you from somewhere?” Chrysalis wonders.
“Probably not if you have to ask. The Great and Powerful Trixie usually leaves a lasting impression,” Trixie boasts.
“So, Miss Lulamoon, do you think you have the evil talent to work with us?” Tirek continues.
“Not sure what you mean with evil, but Trixie has more than enough talent for each of you. Prepare to be amazed!”
Trixie follows this up by performing several tricks and illusions copied from famous magicians, like sawing someone in half, disappearing and reappearing somewhere else, escaping from a water tank before it was filled with piranhas, each accompanied by massive amounts of fireworks, even the simple card tricks. What? Did you really expect me to describe each of these in excruciating detail? Of course not, we’re broadcasting this on TV for a reason.
After burning half of the episode’s run time she finally comes to an end and it seems our judges need a bit more time to recompose themselves. I certainly need it.
“Don’t worry, being speechless is a common side effect of witnessing The Great and Powerful Trixie’s show.”
Grogar is the first to regain use of his jaws. “And what does all of that has to do with doing evil, conquering Equestria and enslaving the pony race?”
“Not much hopefully,” Trixie answers. “Trixie wants to be known across the world as an ultimate magician and not some evil supreme leader. Trixie’s evil days were short and are long behind her. Nowadays The Humble and Penitent Trixie is quite content with occasionally letting Sparkle’s toothbrush fall into the toilet.”
Grogar seemingly tries to prevent some blood veins from popping. “So you just came here, because you thought this was a normal talent show…” He takes a deep breath. “Nope, I won’t deal with the delusions of a C-grade stage clown and just end this in a way even you’ll understand. You get a No from me.”
Tirek “No”.
Chrysalis “No”.
Cozy “Yes”. The other three give her weird looks. “What? The fireworks were pretty.”
“Trixie hmmphs at your blatant disregard of her innate talent. Trust Trixie when she says that you will come to regret this day you ignored the abilities of The Great and Powerful–” Suddenly a pink unicorn teleports into the middle of the room. “Starlight?”
Gasp! A new challenger approaches. This is becoming more exciting by the second. This would’ve gone into the highlight reels anyway, but you know showbiz. There’s never enough drama. I’m definitely looking forward to what comes next...
Right after a commercial break by our sponsor, the Flim and Flam Resort in Las Pegasus.
Welcome back, before the break a mysterious unicorn appeared on the stage right when Trixie was about to leave. And now we’ll see how this situation will resolve.
“There you are, Trixie. I told you it’s dangerous around here,” Starlight sounds annoyed.
“Starlight!” Chrysalis shouts angrily.
“Chrysalis?”
“You know her?” Grogar seems curious.
“Know her? Pah, she’s the one that took my kingdom away!”
“Hmm, interesting,” Grogar comments.
“Not only that, she’s got quite the evil history before becoming Twilight’s student,” Cozy Glow elaborates further. “First she essentially brainwashed a whole village into becoming her anti-cutie mark-cult and after that she tried to break Twilight by travelling back in time. She’s at least on par, maybe even stronger than the princess when it comes to raw magical power.”
“How do you know that?” Starlight asks.
“Read your files at school. You know how diligent Twilight is.”
“That’s impressive. Somepony with your power, abilities and style in villainy would be a great addition to our group,” Grogar starts praising Starlight. Tirek and Cozy are nodding along with him while Chrysalis’ loud protests are ignored.
“Oh, uh, uhmm… thank you,” Starlight says. “It’s nice to be appreciated for the things you do and thank you for the offer.”
“Seriously? You want her over me?” Oh yeah, Trixie’s here, too. “Come on Starlight, we’re going!”
“W-wait! Uh… I’ll think about it. I’ll call you ba–” Trixie teleports them away.
“Good riddance, that mare’s gone,” Chrysalis sighs.
“She had great potential, a big loss,” Grogar sighs.
Personally I doubt she’ll call back. We should continue with the next one.
We don’t have much information about them, only their name, Bad Apple. Sounds mysterious. Let’s find out who or what they are and how they plan to impress the judges!
…
Nobody approaches.
“Huh, where’s the next one?” Tirek asks.
“I dunno,” Cozy Glow answers while biting in a red apple.
“Where did you get that apple?”
“Found it near the entrance,” Cozy bites into it again. “Unlike you guys I can’t just absorb magic or emotions. I have to eat to survive.”
“And now I’m hearing screaming,” Tirek looked around confused.
“You get used to it,” Chrysalis replies.
“Enough with the chit-chat, you three,” Grogar speaks up. “If they don’t appear we’ll move on to the next one. Punctuality is something even villains value.”
The head judge has spoken. Bad Apple is out because of non-appearance. Our time today is slowly running out, but we should be able to squeeze in one more contestant. And this time it’s a group. Give us your best applause from home fooooor… The Dazzlings!
A thousand years ago these three magical sirens terrorized the lands of Equestria forcing Starswirl the Bearded to banish them into another world entirely and we don’t know what happened to them since then. No explanation was given how they’re able to perform for us today, so we’re kindly asking our viewers to suspend their disbelief a bit for this. And as the three fishes with pony upper halves are already floating towards our judges we should switch over to see how they’re doing.
The yellow one introduces them. “My name is Adagio Dazzle, their names are unimportant” –“Hey!”/ “As expected…”– “and we’re here to give you a show you’ll never forget. The only issue is–” The three point at their bare (pony) chests. “–our magic gems were sadly destroyed in an… accident, so we’re not able to present you our full abilities. We hoped you were generous enough to restore them first to give us the chance to perform as best as we can,” Adagio finishes with an obviously fake smile.
But Grogar doesn’t fall for something like this. “Sorry girls, but we’re no charity, we’re evil. You have to impress us first before you get something in return. Show us what you can do.”
The other two sirens gulp.
“Okay… Let’s… go, girls…” Adagio says shakily. “One… two… three…”
Oh-wHoA-oH, oH-WhOa-Oh
YoU dIdN't KnOw ThaT yOu fElL
OH-WhoA-Oh, oh-wHoA-oH
NOw ThAt YoU'rE uNdEr OuR sPeLl
“Stop, stop, please stop,” Grogar manages to put an end to the wailing.
“Please, you have to understand, without our magic gems–”
“Anyone can claim that,” Grogar interrupts her. “If this is the only thing these supposed legendary sirens can do then it makes me worry what pathetic excuses are calling themselves villains nowadays. You get a No. Pffh, sirens, more like klaxons.”
“While I’m of the impression we could weaponize these voices to great effect,” Tirek is still covering his (potentially bleeding) ears. “Ugh… but the friendly fire this would entail is too big of a risk for me. No.”
Now Chrysalis. “I couldn't like you from the very beginning, Adagio. Too bad there’s only enough room for one femme fatale on this team. So, No. And your extras, too.”
Cozy at last. “Sorry, but even I couldn’t find anything good about this. No.”
Four Nos, that’s harsh. Sadly we’re a bit on a time crunch right now, so no final words and you have to go immediately.
A portal opens behind the three and starts sucking them in with the sound of a vacuum cleaner. Aria and Sonata are pulled in immediately while Adagio desperately tries to hold on to the ground for a few more seconds. “Please! I don’t want back in this horrible world and horrible body! It’s that time of the mooooo–” The portal closes.
And sadly our time today seems to be just about over. Sadly no one today was qualified enough to impress our judges and make it into the–
“Now I recognize that voice,” Tirek realizes. “Discord! What’re you doing here?!”
Oops, seems like I was found out. Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks! Have a good night and see you next week!
“Stop narrating everything!” Grogar shouts angrily.
But before we go, here’s a preview for next week’s episode.
“I’d say that my Reputation precedes me!”
“I’d be ready for anything if you pay me in pie. Mmmm, delicious pie…”
“I-I’m not Sombra. I’m… his twin brother… Somb…rero, yes, Sombrero.”
Tune in next week for another episode of “Equestria’s Got Evil Talent!”
One week later the show was cancelled and replaced by even more reruns of “Two And A Half Mares.”
Author's Note
As much as I hate Cozy, I have to admit putting her into a League of Evil with the likes of Tirek and Chrysalis is a great setup for comedy, which I really hope the show will take advantage of. My brain randomly came up with the metaphor of Cozy being the nice judge in every casting show and Grogar the mean guy. And this then lead to this story. Not much more to say than that I hope Season 9 will be good.
Also for those that don't know, Bad Apple is a character from the "Night of the Living Apples" arc of the IDW-comics. This should be everything you need to know for this story.
