The Association of Lame Superheroes
The schedule on the clipboard had one entry penciled in at six p.m. on Thursday, just as it was every week.
Twilight had no problem with ponies using the conference room. It was why the library existed after all: to serve the community. Since she lived in the building, she was going to be there all night, so a meeting in the evening was no problem.
This was the fourth week in a row that the conference room had been booked for one hour, at the same time on the same day, by somepony who'd only written "ALS" on the schedule. Whoever they were, they'd been quiet while using the room, so Twilight left them alone. Still, she was mildly curious. What did the acronym stand for?
This week, Twilight happened to be at the library front desk as the clock neared seven. Just as it began to chime, the conference room door opened.
Finally her chance. Twilight trotted over.
Derpy Hooves had been the one to open the door. Her eyes didn't focus on Twilight as much as roll independently in her vague direction. "Hey Twilight."
Twilight glanced into the room, seeing a small group of other ponies who were sliding in their chairs around the conference room table and cleaning up. There was a partially eaten box of donuts and an open thermos of coffee.
Twilight glanced at the schedule clipboard, hanging on the wall outside the room. "So this is ALS?"
"Yep," Derpy replied.
"What does that stand for?" Twilight asked.
"The Association of Lame Superheroes."
Twilight blinked. "Oh." She looked around the room, seeing a few familiar faces from the Ponyville area. Nopony she would have considered particularly...super.
"Are you joining us, Twilight?" said Daisy. She smiled.
"I'm not sure if I'm qualified to be a superhero," Twilight said.
"Everypony's qualified to be a lame superhero," said Pokey Pierce.
"I...guess?" said Twilight. "I'm not sure what the point is."
"Well, there's a group of us," said Derpy. "So we might as well have coffee and donuts once a week. It's nice, just to talk."
"Well, I can get behind a good social interaction," said Twilight. "Friends are important. It's just...maybe not quite what I expected from a superhero group."
"Lame superhero group," Derpy corrected.
"What's the difference?"
"We've all got superpowers," said Derpy, gesturing to the group. "Just really lame ones."
She'd already asked quite enough questions, but Twilight couldn't help it. "Like what?"
Derpy pointed a hoof at her own face, drawing attention to the fact that her eyes not only didn't point the same direction, they didn't move together, either. "I can see everything, except for singular points that I'm trying to focus on."
Twilight had always assumed it was a birth defect or something. She didn't say that, though.
Pokey Pierce said, "I always know exactly where Fillydelphia is."
"That's...interesting, I guess," said Twilight. "Does that mean you can use it as a reference point for navigation?"
He shook his head. "I don't know where I am in relation to Fillydelphia, I only know where the city itself is."
"Where is it?"
"Same place it was yesterday." He tilted his head. "Well, probably shifted a fraction of a centimeter due to plate tectonics."
Twilight looked at the rest of them. A portly stallion in a flannel shirt raised his hoof. "I'm a campire."
"Vampire?"
"Campire," he corrected. "I have an insatiable desire to feed on s'mores cooked over an open fire."
He looked like he ate mostly chocolate and marshmallow, too. Twilight wanted to ask if he was serious, but was distracted by the next member, a gangly filly with braces. "I can make cottage cheese go bad faster, even if it's in the fridge."
"How did you find that out?"
"My mom told me so." The filly looked away. "She doesn't like it."
Well, probably not, but still, how could somepony spoil cottage cheese without touching it?
Smiley Star said, "I'm a magnet for negative feelings." He didn't look up as he spoke. "I wouldn't just feel this way for no reason. They have to be coming from somewhere, so I think I'm pulling them from everypony around me, leaving them happier."
To Twilight, that sounded like depression with extra steps.
Daisy said, "I can unspill beverages."
"Really?"
"Well...only once per day." She paused again, and then added, "And not when anypony is looking."
Most if not all of these so-called superpowers sounded difficult to prove, Twilight thought.
Hayseed Turniptruck was last. "By not being employed, I keep the average income of Ponyville down, helping prevent the cost of living from rising beyond every pony else's means. I like the Association because it keeps me fed."
He stuffed another donut in his mouth, adding to the already substantial pile of crumbs in front of him. If he was that desperate, why didn't he just get a job?
"Well, see you all next week!" said Derpy. The rest said goodbye to her and filed out of the room as Derpy turned to clean up the refreshments.
"Can I help you?" said Twilight.
"No, I'm good," said Derpy. She gathered up the empty donut box and thermos, balancing them precariously.
"So do you all fight crime?" Twilight asked.
"No, that isn't the point."
"So why have a superhero group?"
"Lame superhero group." One of Derpy's eyes spun around between the things she carried and focused on Twilight. "It's more about the company."
"I guess I understand that, but then why don't you just hang out together? As it is, it's more like a support group." Twilight hesitated. "And maybe some of these ponies might need help, like to see somepony?"
"That's what we're doing."
Derpy started to walk past her towards the door.
"But I still don't understand where the superhero aspect comes from," said Twilight. "As it is, it sounds like you're all just down on your luck."
"Would you rather call yourself a bad superhero, or admit you're a defective person?" Derpy didn't look at her, she just continued out the door.
Author's Note
I wrote the campire joke like three years ago and only just go around to writing a story around it.
Thanks to Dustchu and Snowybee for input.