Speed Date

by Jest

Rating: everyone
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 3685

Celestia is lonely, and looking for company, things quickly go down hill from there.

Being the ruler of a nation makes it difficult to make friends, have relationships or even enjoy a casual fling.

Celestia is intent on changing this.

Spoiler alert: She fails.

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Published 2019-04-20 01:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-20 01:10:02 UTC

Big Willy's

Celestia stopped just outside the dive bar that was her destination for the evening. Glancing down at her body she noticed her little disguise spell was still working perfectly, replacing her tall and imposing figure with a much more lithe and compact one. Her fur was a soft yellow, her mane, tail, and wingtips a stark ivory, fitting perfectly with her new cutie mark, which was of a morning sun rising above several puffy cumulus clouds.

Giving herself one last quick once over she found that her mane and fur were prim and proper, without looking like she had put too much effort into it. She was, after all, going to a place named Willy’s in order to participate in an evening of speed dating with a bunch of strangers and she wanted to look the part.

Approaching the door, Celestia briefly considered pushing it open with her magic, only to remember that she was supposed to be a pegasus, and instead used her hoof. Now inside, the disguised alicorn looked around and instantly noticed the half-asleep bouncer standing next to the door. The barrel-chested stallion gave her a single glance before snorting and motioning deeper into the establishment.

Shrugging off the strange greeting, Celestia smiled warmly to the stallion and walked on, noticing that the booths were curtained off while a group of stallions and mares stood idly in the center of the room. The first pony Celestia saw was a rather nervous looking stallion with long flowing brown hair chewed on his hooves as he looked around the room. The instant their eyes met the earth pony sprinted across the room, and grabbed Celestia, giving her no time to even check out the small gaggle of other ponies before being roughly shoved towards a booth.

“Oh thank goodness your here number three. If we had to wait another minute I was going to have to start without you and we can't have that!” He exclaimed as he roughly shoved the alicorn into the booth itself.

“Err, I am terribly sorry...” Celestia frowned. “I never did catch your name.”

“Just call me Suds but that doesn't matter right now. Do you remember the rules?” The stallion asked suddenly, retrieving a small card from somewhere.

“Rounds are five minutes, after the first full round is over we could choose to speak to anyone we had already, or switch. Correct?” Celestia replied, trying to put a cheerful smile on her face.

“Correct.” The stallion shoved the card across the table. “Here is a list of icebreakers if you can't think of anything. The waiter will be around in a moment to take your order, good luck.”

Celestia couldn't even muster an appropriate response before the stallion had turned and vanished through the curtain. Leaving a certain alicorn to close her gaping mouth and make a mental note to recommend the poor stallion something for his nerves.

“That's everyone!” The stallion suddenly called, his shrill voice making Celestia wince. “Places everypony, and don't forget, margaritas are on special tonight!”

A second later a young, bored-looking young mare poked her head through the curtain. “I’m Leafy Green and I’ll be your server this evening, what do you want?”

Celestia bit back the urge to remark on the young pony’s attitude and smiled instead. “I would like a cup of Da Hong Pao, served with exactly two scones and a spoonful of honey please.”

The young mare simply stood there staring at her for several seconds. “Ma’am, this is a bar.”

The alicorn sighed. “Just give me whatever tea you have.”

“Big Willy’s surprise coming right up.” The mare announced before turning and leaving Celestia to sit there and try not to imagine what was in a Big Willy’s surprise.

The mare shuddered, only barely managing to get the disturbing image her imagination had summoned out of her head by the time the curtain parted once more. This time it opened to allow a large, portly unicorn stallion into the booth, leaving Celestia wondering just what would have been worse, the tea she ordered, or the boor that had just walked in.

The alicorn silently chastised herself for her assumption and forced a wide smile onto her face. “Hi, my name is Sunny Smiles. What's yours?” She asked.

The unicorn had a short, teal bowl cut and an only partially groomed seafoam green coat. Combined, the stallion’s colors resembled what Celestia imagined her vomit would look like after drinking any amount of Big Willy’s surprise. The unicorn didn't answer initially, giving Celestia a thorough once over that left the alicorn with a disturbed shiver running down her spine.

“No, this won't do at all.” He announced suddenly.

Celestia paused for a moment, giving her server a perfect opportunity to slip in and place a cup of tea on the edge of the table. Sunny Smiles used a wing to drag her tea across the table, the alicorn glancing nervously within and finding that it did indeed look strange, though the smell was oddly normal. Taking a sip of the weird brew took a few seconds, but when Celestia managed to muster the bravery necessary, she found her efforts rewarded with the flavor of a pleasant earl grey that had a slight hint of sweetness to it.

By then the silence was quickly becoming unbearable, and the alicorn opted to try conversing again, this time using one of the topic suggestions she had been handed. “So, how about this blue bombers, eh?” She asked, only to realize what she had said and look down at the card in disgust.

“Look lady, I don't date pegasi, it's just a preference of mine.” The unicorn remarked snidely, sticking up his nose and turning away. “And I would prefer it if you didn't speak to me anymore. I can already feel myself getting dumber by the minute.”

Celestia ground her teeth together but remained silent, taking a small amount of solace in the fact that she at least had a pleasant tea to sip on in the meantime. As she did just that, the alicorn contemplated what to do next, as it was clear that a pleasant conversation was out of the realm of possibility, and she had several more minutes left before she could move on. Taking another long sip of her tea, Celestia began to imagine what it would be like if he knew who he was actually talking to.

He knew the type of unicorn well, and also knew that he was the type who would bow and grovel the instant she discarded her disguise. The mare couldn't help but snicker as she thought of that pig of a stallion bowing hastily, trying desperately to make up for the face he had already lost. Her snicker near broke out into a fully-fledged laugh as she thought what it would look like if the stallion even attempted the no doubt arduous task of bowing more than an inch or two.

Thankfully the sound of a bell could be heard over her musings, stopped her from laughing out loud, and saving her from the ensuing scowl she knew would have come from such an act.

The unicorn left without a word, the fat stallion putting his nose even higher in the air before stomping off to the right, the tumbling sound of his many chins being the only kind of goodbye he mustered. With him gone, Celestia’s mood was raised considerably, and she felt herself eagerly awaiting whomever was next, her mind conjuring images of a strapping young stallion with deep purple fur and a mane of the purest magenta.

Only for her imaginary stallion to somehow appear in the seat across from her, a smile on his face as he settled into the booth, his horn glowing as he placed a cider on the table. Celestia nearly gasped, the alicorn realizing that this was her dream stallion right down to the single stripe of black that ran through the middle of his mane.

His smile made her heart skip a beat, but the soft tone of his slightly effeminate voice made sure the organ was racing in short order. “My name is Starlit Pupa, but you can just call me Starlit.”

Celestia nearly gasped, mentally checking off another box on her list of things she wanted out of a partner. “I’m Sunny Smiles.” Celestia extended a hoof. “It's nice to meet you.”

The stallion giggled demurely, and extended his own hoof, shaking the mare’s. “You have quite the apt name my dear, I feel like you could light up the room with just a single smile.”

The alicorn could barely contain her glee, glad that he was as corny as he was romantic, the alicorn mentally checking off another box. “So Starlit, what do you do?” Celestia asked, unconsciously leaning forward.

“Well, as my name suggests I work with insects, primarily the rare types of nocturnal butterflies that can be found in and around Canterlot.” The stallion replied. “And yourself?”

Celestia blinked, barely able to bite back the squeal of delight that threatened to escape her lips. “I’m a weather pony working in lower Canterlot. I specialize in cumulus cloud management.”

The stallion giggled into his hoof. “Oh, that is too good. Truly your parents gave you the perfect name.”

“I also volunteer at the local humane shelter.” Celestia offered, leaning a little closer. “Do you do any volunteering perhaps?”

The stallion opened his mouth to speak, only to slam it shut, a hoof rubbing his chin. “I volunteer at… an orphanage in upper Canterlot. I can't remember the name.”

Celestia blinked, sitting a little further back as realization slowly donned on her. “Are you sure it's upper Canterlot?”

“Err yes, I’m quite certain,” Starlit replied, a single bead of sweat rolling down his face.

Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “What do you do at this orphanage?”

“I err… Cook?” He half asked half exclaimed.

The alicorn sighed slowly and crossed her hooves over her chest. “Nice try, but all orphanage’s food services are handled directly by the crown and they are all paid positions.”

The stallion tugged at a non-existent collar. “Would you believe that I was just an assistant?”

“Also paid.” Celestia shot back.

“Fiddlesticks.” He cursed.

“Wait…” Celestia cocked her head, only now realizing the implications of the stallion’s strange name. “Chrysalis?”

The stallion stared at her a moment before sighing, a wave of fire rolling up his body, replacing the stallion with the queen of the changelings. “Oh for the love of… how did you figure it out?”

The alicorn’s eyes narrowed. “You can't resist putting in a chrysalis reference into your disguises’ names, last time it was pupa. Plus your disguise was a little too perfect.”

“I knew this plan was stupid,” Chrysalis muttered, angrily sipping her cider, and only barely pushing down the small smile that threatened to emerge after tasting the delicious beverage, the changeling intent on being pissed off. “This is the last time I am taking suggestions from my carapace waxer.”

“What even was your plan anyway?” Celestia asked, sipping at her own beverage and quietly mourning the loss of her delicious tea.

“Oh, the usual.” The queen remarked with a shrug. “I found out that you were doing these speed date things in secret so I paid a guard to steal a page out of your diary-”

“It was Swift Strike, wasn't it?” Celestia interrupted.

“Yeah. How did you know?” Chrysalis inquired.

This time it was Celestia’s turn to shrug. “That creep kept talking about diaries the other day, I ended up leaving it out because I hoped that would help him get over the shame of having one.”

“Well anyway…” The queen continued. “I was planning on seducing you, replacing you, and taking over Canterlot, the usual shtick, you know how it is.”

“And now what are you going to do?” Celestia asked. “Since this obviously won't work.”

The changeling deflated visibly, resting her chin on the table as she lay there in defeat. “I don't know, maybe I’ll wait another fifteen seconds and pick up one of these other worthless losers in order to get a free meal.”

“Chrysalis…” Celestia growled.

The changeling raised her hooves defensively. “I am not going to kidnap them, all I want is some ice cream. This entire night has put a bad taste in my mouth, a taste that can only be rectified by the delicious taste of soft-serve ice cream.”

Just as Celestia was about to launch into another guilt-ridden monologue about the importance of friendship and honesty, the bell rang, and the queen donned the same disguise, quickly leaving Celestia behind without a word. “Damn, I had a really good one this time,” Celestia muttered to herself.

The alicorn sat patiently, sipping the last of her tea as she waited for her next conversation partner. When none came she leaned to her left, listening close to the other booth.

“Please, princess I beg of you! Just one drink and that would be all!” A rather desperate sounding stallion exclaimed.

“No means no, knave!” A strangely familiar voice exclaimed a second before the stallion yelped, the booth temporarily illuminated by the flash of lightning.

“Luna?” Celestia muttered a second before the titular alicorn stepped into the booth and sat across from the disguised alicorn.

For a second the pair simply stared at each other, Celestia too shocked that her sister had skipped out from night court in order to go speed dating, while Luna seemed to simply stare. The darker alicorn’s gaze went up and down her sister’s body, nakedly measuring the other mare’s looks.

Luna nodded suddenly. “You will do. Shall we blow this popsicle stand as they say?”

“I er... What?” Celestia muttered weakly.

“Oh, another star-struck one…” Luna frowned. “That's going to make you lose a few points, but don't worry, those flanks more than make up for it.”

Celestia sighed and ran a hoof down her face. “Look, Luna, I’m not interested-”

Luna smirked and leaned in. “You might not be interested now, but a noodle is straight until it gets wet.”

Celestia sighed even deeper, a hoof pressed against her forehead.

“What? Is that not the line? I could have sworn I remembered it this time.” Luna lamented.

“No, that's not it. I’m Celestia.” Sunny Smiles stated.

Luna blinked, looked her sister up and down once more. “Very funny. Though I do like that bit of roleplay, just save it for later, I gotta get back to the castle before Twilight messes up my whole evening.”

A bespeckled guard peered at the lunar throne, trying and failing to see the figure seated upon it. Whomever it was, they were doing an excellent job at talking Dust Jacket out of another of his ludicrous attempts at getting a library named after himself, though they sure didn't sound like Luna.

The guard with the thick coke bottle glasses guard leaned towards his fellow guard, whom only wear a pair of bifocals. “Is that-”

“Twilight?” The other guard replied. “Yup, it's her, you can tell by the smell. Luna skipped out about fifteen minutes ago.”

“Huh.” The first guard remarked. “She sure is doing a better job than Luna usually does.”

The second, slightly less blind guard shrugged. “Pretty much. I figure if we don't say anything maybe we will get her more often.”

The first guard chuckled nervously. “So, just don't say anything then eh?”

“Yup.”

“Cool.”

“I should have known the reason you wanted a list of nearsighted guards was not to ‘fix all their eyes with my super special alicorn magic’,” Celestia exclaimed, adding air quotes around the part about the eyeball fixing.

Luna groaned, leaning back into the booth and sighing deeply. “Oh come on, Twilight is great at this whole paperwork thing, she was happy to take over!”

“Luna, you know you can't make ponies trust you more if you keep passing off your responsibilities to Twilight. It's bad enough you convinced her that doing your laundry was a royal task.” Celestia muttered angrily.

“Well I mean technically.” Luna began, only to earn herself a harsh glare.

“You know that's not what I meant.” Celestia shot back.

“Augh, whatever. I’m just trying to have a little fun here. We can't all be four-thousand-year-old virgins.” Luna remarked with a smirk.

Celestia blanched, recoiling in shock. “I am not a virgin!”

“Called it!” Yelled the voice of Chrysalis from two booths over.

Sunny Smiles ignored the changeling’s comment, filing that bit of anger away for later. “You know very well that I’ve dated. I just haven't done much in the last thousand years. I’ve been busy getting ready for your return.” Celestia hissed.

“Moping doesn't count as being busy.” Luna sighed. “Trust me, I know.”

“Look, Luna, I don't mean to come off-” Celestia began only to be interrupted by an angry huff from her younger sister.

“And here comes the guilt trip.” The younger sister muttered, before leaning out of the booth and using her magic to ring the bell.

“I will have you know that I was merely going to remind you of your responsibilities as a princess and as a face of the equestrian government.” Celestia half-whispered half-shouted. “You have a duty to uphold the honor of the crown, may I remind you.”

“Augh whatever,” Luna muttered before ducking out of the booth entirely.

Leaving a flustered Celestia to mutter angrily to herself, her rage stemming from the fact that she had an entire monologue thought up, only to have gotten the equivalent of guilt blue balls twice in one evening. The alicorn crossed her hooves over her chest, and as she waited for her next date, she wondered what she was even doing here.

She wouldn't be able to actually make anything of a relationship born of a speed date anyway, her guilt and shame making anything that came from the evening irrelevant when the dawn came. Yet here she was, forcing herself to go out in public under disguise while Luna donned neither mask nor pretense and cared nothing for the ramifications of her actions.

At that moment Celestia had to admit to herself that this evening was already ruined, and no amount of weak justifications would change that. With a sigh on her lips, she slipped from the booth, ignored the startled cry of her date, and walked two booths down.

The mare tried her best to ignore the fact that she heard Luna audibly making out with an unnamed pony, and subsequently failed. With bile rising in her throat, the alicorn reached past the curtain and grabbed the disguised Chrysalis, and yanked her out into the light.

“I didn't do it! Oh, it's just you.” The disguised changeling crossed her hooves over her chest, seemingly unperturbed by the fact that she was currently being held above the ground by the scruff of her neck. “What do you want?”

“Still want some ice cream?” Celestia deadpanned.

The changeling blinked once, then twice, before nodding. “Sure, there is this great place on third and Kerby where-”

“That's a trap,” Celestia stated. “We are going to Donut Joe’s.”

The queen sighed. “Fine, but you're going to have to put me down first.”

Sunny Smiles did just that, dropping the queen and allowing her to dust herself off and put her fake mane back into order.

Without a word being spoken, the two made their way towards the exit, and it was only when they stepped out into the cool evening air when they spoke.

“You know, your dream stallion looks and acts a lot like Twilight Sparkle, only with male bits.” Chrysalis pointed out, leaning close to Celestia. “Changelings have spells for that you know.”

“I-.” Celestia pushed down the righteous indignation rising in her throat and forgot the prepared monologue she was ready to deliver. “Really now?”

“Oh yes, it can even make the necessary parts to assist in the production of offspring.” Chrysalis continued, her tongue flicking out of her mouth and tasting the heady aroma of lust that swirled in the evening air.

“As payment for ice cream, you will teach me said spell.” Celestia held up a hoof. “But you will not speak of this to anyone. Understood?”

Chrysalis crackle cruelly, jabbing the alicorn in the ribs. “Oh, is someone self-conscious of their desires? I wonder how much the newspapers would pay for a story like this hmm?”

“But you didn't teach Celestia the spell, you taught Sunny Smiles. Some nameless Canterlot native that works at the weather patrol.” Celestia smirked.

Chrysalis’ eyes narrowed. “Touche. But I will be ordering a milkshake, a snow cone, and a parfait.”

“You may have two of those things.” Celestia scolded.

The two walked in silence for several seconds before Chrysalis shrugged. “Fine, you got yourself a deal sun booty.”

“It's a deal,” Celestia replied, happy to have realized that company was the one thing she was truly missing, uncaring if that company came in the form of a hostile changeling queen.

The ice cream was delicious, but the conversation was even better.

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