The
Muffinomicon
Featuring Derpy, Muffins, and the Tome of Souls
By sierra_seven_
As the sun dropped below into the vibrant horizon, Derpy trotted out of Fluttershy's cottage, saddlebags slung over her back. The day had been nice; she had visited her friends, eaten muffins, burnt down a field and disrupted an advanced pegasus weather manoeuvre. Wait, maybe it was two fields. Long story short, Rainbow Dash had told her to 'go get lost in the Everfree', and that was exactly what she intended to do. After all, why would a pegasus as cool as RD give her bad advice? The grey mare could think of no plausible reason.
"Umm, are you sure you really want to do this Derpy? The Everfree is terribly dangerous, especially at night. That is, err, if you aren't set on going there," Fluttershy squeaked. Social interaction wasn't her strong suit, but even she felt compelled to warn the loveable klutz. As she spoke, a strong blast of wind shook the forest, sending a menacing hiss of rustling leaves through the cold winter air. Well, as menacingly as a group of trees could be.
"Yes! Rainbow Dash set me this quest, and I must fulfil it to the best of my abilities! Maybe if I do this, I can join the weather team!" Derpy was incredibly excited by the prospect, itching to set off into the dark forest. It'd certainly be an adventure!
Fluttershy grudgingly lowered her head in defeat. If this mare wanted something, she would do it. She wasn't the sharpest of ponies, but she was stubborn. "Ok, but just promise me you'll be back before morning. Umm, unless you want to come back later. It's just, well, I want to make sure you're safe."
"Don't worry Fluttershy, whats the worst that could go wrong?" The pink and yellow mare promptly facehoofed. As the last rays of Celestia's sun cast eerie orange shadows across Fluttershy's porch, Derpy flexed her wings and checked her saddlebags. Once the two muffin-shaped clasps were done up, the mare trotted onto the windswept track leading into the forest.
'Be strong Derpy. You can do this. If Rainbow Dash told you to do it, it should be a piece of muffin. Right?' The mare gulped.
As she cantered through the dark woods, she took note of her surroundings. The track had ended a while ago, but she had carried on regardless. The leaves rustled, unseen animals hissed and squeaked, and the light cast unnerving shadows through the clearing. Derpy sat down under a tall willow, opening her saddlebags and retrieving her meagre rations. A bag of freshly baked muffins. The mare truly had no idea of what rations should consist of. Twilight had said the word a while ago, and she guessed it meant food.
Taking a small nibble of the soft sponge, she relaxed. Muffins were good, and didn't make fun of her like the other ponies. Granted, her poor eyesight had made navigating the forest hard, but she had made it! She was truly lost!
"Rainbow is gonna be so proud!" The mare grinned, taking another bite. Seconds later, she was left with a few crumbs in her hoof. "Aww, why do they always do that? I wish muffins would last forever!"
"That can be arranged..."
"Ahh!" cried the mare, racing from the clearing. In hindsight, it would have been easier to fly, but in post-hindsight, she never was that good at flying. She gathered herself mentally, then reached to grab her saddleba-
"Yes, strange pony. They are in the clearing with me. Come." The mysterious voice hissed again, scaring Derpy even more. The voice didn't come from a particular direction, it encompassed her mind. Its command compelled her, and she slowly trotted back into the clearing.
"Good, we can get started."
"What are you? Where are you? Who are you?" she whinnied, looking around. Her eyes (one of them, anyway) were drawn to a glowing green light, hidden below a fallen tree.
"Closer..."
She picked the immaculate book up, looking it over. It had a mysterious symbol on the front, and radiated a cold chill. Derpy shivered.
"Do not fear, pony. I am to do your bidding."
"What are you?"
"I am... THE NECRONOMICON, TOME OF SOULS."
"Do you have any muffins, Mr. Necronomisomething?"
"Muffins? I am possibly the most important spell book on the face of Equis."
"So, no muffins?" The mare looked down sadly.
"FIne. I'm sure I can transmute some of these spells to create what you want. I must warn you though, this will be complex arcanomagic. I will need to draw on your love of muffins, the same way the Changelings do. Think of the happiest you have ever been with a muffin."
"Ok Mr. Book." Derpy thought long and hard. The choice was not easy. There were chocolate muffins, fruit muffins, breakfast muffins, muffins of all varieties, shapes and sizes. But there was one muffin. One that stood out from the rest. It was flavoured with banana, soft chunks of white chocolate encased in perfect sponge, and topped with crushed pecans. It would do.
"Ok Mr. Book, ready when you are!" The Necronomicon sighed. It had hoped for at least an apprentice necromancer, or failing that, even a teacher. Somepony that would understand its significance.
"And so we begin."
Flashes of green light burst from the book, illuminating the clearing with its eerie glow. Leaves rustled, and the stormclouds above began swirling.
"Tenebris vires supra, hoc muffin aeternam! Vos appello, cuius spiritus mortuos muffin aeterna saecula Ita fiet;!" chanted the tome, rising into the air of its own accord. It hovered, encased with green lightning, as Derpy looked on. This was cool!
The muffin crumbs rose off of the ground, gathering into a spinning ball of darkness. There was a flash.
Derpy picked herself up off the ground. The clearing was untouched, her saddlebags lying where she left them. There was no sign of the tome or any of its effects. The sky was normal, well, for the Everfree. The trotted over, hefting her saddlebags up. The whole thing must have been a hallucination, probably the effect of a bad muffin. Speaking of which...
Derpy reached into her saddlebags absently, reaching for a muffin.
'There!' She pulled it free, and took a bite. It was amazing. Notes of banana and white chocolate danced on her tongue, lovingly accompanied by the crisp, refreshing taste of the pecans. She went to take another bite. And paused. It was unblemished. There was still muffin in her mouth, but it had... regrown?
A single tear rolled down Derpy's cheek.
