No Pepper

by Estee

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 6127

As games go, Luna considers it to be the definitive means by which she can settle a simple dispute between Princesses. Maybe that's why it's banned.

Twilight and Luna are having a minor dispute. Just a simple question of ownership, really. Ownership of a book. And rather than risk having that little tiff take out any more of the palace grounds, they're going to settle things with a game: whoever wins keeps the ancient tome. It's just a quick match of Pepper. And sure, nopony's played Pepper in centuries: in fact, Twilight's never heard of it. But what could possibly be wrong with participating in a round?

The answer: welcome back to Crackfic Week!

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Published 2019-04-13 23:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-13 23:40:02 UTC

In Which Either No Reader Kinks Are Satisfied Or New Ones Are Born

When Twilight truly took a moment to consider it, she usually decided that Luna had an... interesting way of looking at things. (The ellipsis was mandatory, and frequently served as the mental pause during which a rational pony would consider putting the weapon down.) And in some ways, that was to be expected, for Luna was a mare who had effectively emerged from deep time. She was royalty. Additionally, the alicorn had the perspective which came both from great age and what a few considered to be a near-total lack of maturity. And of course, it took a pony of absolutely no class to describe Luna's viewpoint as that of a sick and twisted pervert or rather, it required one of rapidly approaching experience.

But it was something to keep in mind when dealing with Luna: that the dark mare simply didn't perceive the world in the same way as everypony else. And for Twilight, it was something she usually remembered a crucial split-second too late.

She didn't think about it as she rushed across silver-flecked marble into the Lunar throne room on that hot summer night, because the only thing she was truly thinking about was the book secured in the pinkish bubble of corona, which was being kept just far enough away from her left wing to give her safe flapping distance. This also meant it was close enough to keep an eye on, and Twilight had been doing exactly that from the moment she'd left the relative safety of the antique bookshop and galloped through Canterlot's moonlit streets. There were all sorts of considerations to keep in mind while transporting rare texts: damage, theft, and in this case, the very real danger that somepony might try to read it.

"Luna!" she gasped as the doors were cleared, the bubble levitating up and over the head of the leftside Guard just before unwary eyes could fall upon the serious risk imposed by the back cover blurb. "I'm sorry for dropping by without notice, it's nothing important or crucial or where we need to call the others, it's just that I knew that of all the ponies in the world, you might be the only one who would truly appreciate this --"

"Slowly, Twilight Sparkle," the dark alicorn calmly said, coolly staring down from the silver throne. "Allow your thoughts to catch up to your words."

Twilight winced, and did so at the same moment the non-order put the brakes on all four hooves, sending her into a near-skid which abruptly ended at the base of the throne's ramp. (The Guards, who were trained in discretion, responded by simply closing the doors, and did so three seconds after a slightly faster movement would have allowed them to miss the crash.) "Sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry --" a wild glance to the left: the book was safe "-- I'm sorry --"

"-- and your legs," Luna placidly continued, managing to do so around what was absolutely not a facehoofing which had been aborted halfway in. "There are times when I am tempted to instruct you in the benefit of patience." The Princess lightly shrugged. "Well, perhaps the opportunity for a direct lesson will eventually arise. So this is clearly about a book. What have you found?"

"I found it moons ago," Twilight panted, forcing herself back to her hooves. "It just took forever to arrive. There were some complications... anyway, take a look!" The book floated slightly forward. "This may be the very last copy in all the world, and now I own it!" Hastily, "But don't read anything more than the title. We can't open it. At least not before we find some sugar. Maybe chocolate. And one of the survivors said the odds of finishing Chapter One are best if you read it while surrounded by puppies. And I'm only proposing we go that far because some ponies... well, I still don't believe it, but I guess there's a tiny chance we're both immortal?"

Luna, looking vaguely intrigued, slowly got up from her throne and began to trot down the ramp, her gaze becoming progressively less squinty as she gradually closed in. (Twilight, who had already been sweating from a gallop on a hot summer night, welcomed the slow approach: it was always a little cool around Luna, pleasantly so, and the gradualness of the subtle temperature drop was a welcome sensation.) "Clearly a discovery," the older alicorn observed. "But one which requires precautions? I would presume that any magical protections required are already in place --"

Which was when the title came into focus.

Luna stopped moving. About two body lengths away and, with the slope of the ramp, roughly eight hoof-heights above the floor.

"Oh," she softly said. "It survives. Somehow, despite everypony's efforts across the centuries, it is here..."

Twilight, who had a tendency to miss tones (over and under, with an option for sepia), excitedly nodded. "Bartleby's Scrivenings!" she happily exclaimed. "Did you know that some ponies say this is the most depressing book ever written? I saw the title in an estate sale's catalog listing, and nopony's seen that title in nearly twelve hundred years! I'm not even sure how it survived! Or how the last owner did!"

"The usual means, one would think," Luna quietly stated. "The book is placed upon the highest shelf, just barely within sight. Somewhere that the owner would require neck strain to see. And then you are simply aware of its presence. Unavoidably so. It looms, Twilight Sparkle. The shadow it casts possesses a rather singular weight. One strains to regard it every day, considering that the option to read it is available -- and then, having considered that option, a healthy pony realizes that they would... prefer not to. Until the night when the recently deceased changed their mind. What do you intend to do with it?"

"Keep it safe," Twilight proudly replied. "By keeping it. Which also keeps everypony else safe." With a little frown, "I think that's why it took so long to ship. The pony who was certified to make the final transfer said one of the couriers was curious about the package and... well, as far as anypony can tell, he just read the back cover blurb. But I'm told he's feeling much better now and as soon as they released him from the asylum, he remembered about the book. And started screaming for somepony to get it away from him. Which meant he had to tell them where it was before they took him back in."

"An unusually serene journey," Luna noted. "But still... to see a copy again, after so many were reborn by fire..."

Twilight's frown became deeper, in no small part because somepony had just casually talked about burning books. "It's 'died by fire,' Luna."

"Reborn," the older alicorn stated. "As ashes. Most of the populace believed the original trees would have preferred it that way. Have you made a final check of its authenticity?"

The little mare took a deep breath. "That's part of why I came here. Everypony said you used to have the greatest book collection in Equestria, at least for that time period. I thought if anypony would be able to verify it... and I didn't even get to open it, nopony was willing to risk letting that happen in the shop..."

Luna silently nodded, ignited her horn. Twilight receded her corona from the book's spine, providing a place for the flowing darker energy to get an initial grip. The tome was collected, floated across the short distance as the front cover slowly opened.

"You did well to bring it here," Luna decided. "I am qualified to recognize the true. We need do no more than check the frontspiece. The original engraving contains distortions from tear stains which were never replicated."

Twilight blinked. "How do tear stains damage an engraving? It would take acid."

"Yes," Luna serenely replied. "I suppose I am being overly broad in describing the falling remnants of the liquid which the engraver used to keep herself from reading any more of the text as 'tears.' So let us see..."

She looked.

Dark eyes blinked, exactly once.

"Yes," Luna quietly said. "It is authentic." The dark energy pulled the book a little closer. "In fact, it is authentically mine." And with that, the newer bubble darted behind the star-streaming tail, where it bobbed in a silent statement of both reclaimed ownership and I Dare You.

Twilight stared. It was something which most ponies did when dealing with Luna, although it was the first time Twilight had done so as the opening move in lining up a potential attack.

"Thank you for returning it to me, Twilight Sparkle," Luna stated. "You will be reimbursed for your costs, of course. Good night to you."

The little mare took a single crucial hoofstep forward and in doing so, crossed the border which started the war.

"Your copy," she softly said. It was the softness of a pillow which was being carefully pressed against a sleeping snout.

"Yes," Luna calmly countered, and brought the book up just enough to make it visible over her back. "Do you see that little symbol stamped upon the upper right corner of the first page? My mark, Twilight Sparkle. A sign of ownership. Once, this very tome was part of my own library. But shortly after -- it happened -- certain ponies saw my absence as an opportunity. While my sister was understandably distracted, items vanished from the Lunar wing. A few were recovered. Others have never surfaced again. But this is mine. The proof cannot be disputed. And so I take it back. Again, my thanks."

There was a response and to Twilight, that answer came in the form of pinkish energy lancing over Luna's long back, just before it yanked.

The taller alicorn ducked just in time to have the book whistle past (and partially through) her mane, then exerted herself.

The book came to a stop about halfway between them, as energies clashed across the corona borders.

"It's mine," Twilight softly replied. "I paid for it, Luna. Even if it was stolen once, the statute of limitations on that crime ran out centuries ago. I'm the last owner of legal record. There might be one copy left in all the world, and the paperwork says that copy is in my possession. And possession is nine-tenths of the law." It was her book. She was going to not read it every day.

Royalty considered that. The air around the dual bubble was now beginning to vibrate in shimmering waves.

"I disagree," Luna stated. "At best, I am willing to acknowledge possession as forty-nine percent of the law. The remainder, of course, would be represented by the status of royalty." And this was nearly a whisper, "Majority rules, Twilight Sparkle. Release the book."

And for so much else, the younger alicorn would have instantly obeyed. But this was about a book.

"You're just half of the Diarchy," Twilight shot back. "You've only got twenty five and a half percent! This is mine!"

Several lightning bolts struck the palace grounds in rapid succession. As with the book, the ownership was suddenly uncertain, although there was very little doubt about who would be getting the repair bill.

"Let go," Twilight calmly stated.

Almost passively, "No."

Coronas, acting on actual emotions rather than tone, surged and spiked. The air filled with fireworks. The throne was shaking. Ice was starting to spread across the floor, with the dark alicorn standing at the center. Several wall hangings crashed down.

"Let us," Luna softly ordered, "settle this outside..."

Twilight furiously nodded, even as the most obvious idea in the world finally shoved itself through the curtain of rage. Her corona flared --

-- nothing happened.

"Oh, yes," Luna snidely noted. "We never did place an exception into the lockdown security spell for you, did we? You still cannot teleport in and out of the palace. And as I happen to know the tracer spell, any attempt to escape with the book once we exit the building will allow me to readily follow you. Outside, Twilight Sparkle, and we will deal with this issue as fully rational mares."

Two (theoretically) fully rational mares wearily looked at each other from the opposite ends of the new crater.

"Red flag," Twilight panted. "Red flag..."

It took a moment before Luna could refocus enough to speak. "Ah. Does that still indicate the temporary suspension of pony hostilities?"

"Yes."

"Fortunately," the older alicorn dryly noted, "neither of us are minotaurs. Yes. Red flag, then."

Both mares sank to their haunches. The darker eyes took a slow survey of the landscape.

"Interesting tactic when you saw the Reaminator, incidentally," the Lunar Princess noted. "I was not expecting you to deflect."

Still panting, "Isn't that pronounced re-an-i-ma-tor?"

"No. You misheard. Ream."

"...oh."

They both involuntarily looked to the left.

"Did you know there was a lava flow buried there?" Twilight asked.

"No," Luna admitted. "I wish you the best of luck in explaining it to the Royal Gardeners."

"It was your spell!"

"Yes," Luna admitted. "And now we know, due to your actions, what it does to soil after deflection. Had it impacted you, it simply would have -- reamed." She shrugged. "Very well. While we are both aware that continuing this would inevitably lead to my victory, the palace budget has clearly suffered enough. We must find another way to determine the book's true owner."

Twilight's first instinct remained It's mine. Most of the leftovers were thinking about just how close the Reaminator had come to her fur, and the remainder was planning to look up every possible definition of 'ream' because up until the fight, she'd thought it just meant a whole lot of paper.

"Fine," she reluctantly conceded. "So how are we doing this?"

Luna visibly thought it over and in doing so, fully ignored the burning tree which crashed down on her right.

"Another form of competition, perhaps? Something with less... initial destruction."

"A game," Twilight tried.

"A game with less initial destruction," Luna pondered.

"I didn't mean --"

But the dark eyes were already lit from within.

"A game," Luna repeated as a slow smile spread through dark fur. "Yes. And as you have proposed that a game should settle this, I will naturally choose the contest. Dueling and wagering rules alike, Twilight Sparkle. The format is yours, the specific nature becomes mine. Do you agree?"

"..yes," Twilight finally said. "But you know games which haven't existed in centuries, Luna. You know contests and rules which I don't. Anything you pick, you have to teach me. All of it. That way, it's fair."

"As the game requires," the older alicorn replied. "Of course. The rules shall be cited as they apply, for each stage of the game. In this case, the one I have in mind comes in two parts."

Twilight searched her memory for a two-part game, and a mind which generally sought fun between bookcases eventually discarded Shelve And Then Shelve Again. "What are we playing?"

The smile became wider.

"Pepper," Luna stated. "We shall play... Pepper."

Twilight delved within. Without. The bottom of the crater had nothing to suggest, although the bubbling oil was waiting to see how it all came out.

"I've never heard of it," she finally admitted.

"Unsurprising," Luna shrugged. "I doubt there has been so much as a single round since my abeyance began. It was... discouraged."

"Discouraged," Twilight carefully repeated.

And with a show of teeth, "I apologize," the older alicorn lied. "I misspoke. 'Discouraged' was the wrong term. I should have said... banned."

This repetition wasn't as careful. "...banned."

"By my sister," Luna smirked. "In perpetuity." With false thoughtfulness, "I suppose that means for you, playing it would break a rule. I will, of course, understand if you choose to forfeit."

This time, Twilight looked up, regarded the book floating high above them, protected within the dual shield. The interplay of light was sharp enough to keep her from reading any part of the back cover, and so playing a game to possess it continued to feel like the right thing to do. There were rules, yes, and there were RULES: anything laid down by Princess Celestia fell into the latter category. Twilight lived her life by not breaking the RULES.

There were RULES. However, this was a BOOK.

"I'm playing," Twilight shot across the crater. "How do we start?"

"Do you agree," Luna countered, "that you will play the game all the way to the end? That if you stop at any point, you forfeit?"

"Yes."

The smirk outshone Moon.

"Very well," the Lunar Princess shrugged. "We shall begin in the Lunar Kitchen. There is a certain need for -- supplies."

The supplies were being carried in borrowed saddlebags, and they jostled against Twilight's wings as the alicorns moved through the palace: the smaller still wasn't used to placing the fabric in a way which would fully avoid the new limbs.

Luna had offered no hints during the supply gallop, saying only that each stage of the game would be revealed only as active play required. It had left Twilight fuming and keeping a close eye on the dark mare, trying to pick up on anything helpful -- and as it turned out, there had at least been an example to follow. Luna's raid of the crisper had focused on green peppers (which only the Lunar Kitchen stocked: the Solar had no peppers of any kind), and none could be any larger than her ears: several specimens were held up for direct comparison, and anything bigger than that was put back. Twilight had done her best to match the standard.

Peppers. The game of Pepper involved the actual vegetable. And for now, that was all she had, because her first assumption had been wrong. A game of Pepper, using peppers, had almost seemed as if it had to involve cooking -- but they'd left the kitchens, had moved through the quiet palace, passing the occasional Guard as the contents of their saddlebags shifted. They were, in fact, ascending: the kitchen was now two floors below.

Maybe it's a distance game. Their coronas would fling the peppers from the top of a tower, and whoever didn't give distant citizens concussions won. Or did, as that would explain the banning --

-- the silver flecking in the marble was gone. The sparks of color were now gold.

Uh-oh.

"We just crossed into the Solar wing," Twilight hissed.

"Yes," Luna calmly said.

"But the game is banned," Twilight whispered. "By -- you know. We had a hard enough time keeping the silence spell intact around the -- argument. We shouldn't play near her --"

"-- we are moving towards the playing field," Luna cut her off. "There is a particular plot which is always used. We will be using it."

"A plot," Twilight tried.

"Yes," Luna smiled. "A surprisingly large one."

Twilight was now calling upon her mental map of the palace. Large plots of land... not when they were moving up --

-- the Solar guard came around the corner, and the pegasus mare blinked a few times. (It was unusual to see a Solar staff member, so deep under Moon -- but the further up you went, the stronger the odds became.) "Princess Luna," she said, and then glanced at Twilight. "Is something wrong?"

Luna took a slow breath.

"I am sneaking Twilight Sparkle into my sister's bedroom."

Every limb Twilight possessed tried, and failed, to teleport without her.

The Guard blinked again. Looked directly at Twilight. Beamed.

"You are?"

"I swear upon Moon," Luna solemnly said, "that such is my intent. And hers."

"Finally!" the Guard declared. "Get her in there --" stopped. Winked. "-- sneak. Right. Sneak her in there. Do you want me to tell the others?"

"Please," Luna smiled.

"You'll have privacy," the Guard promised. "Total privacy. I'll reroute the patrols myself. Sneaking... it's about time...!"

"Is it not?" Luna casually asked. "Good night to you, Glimmerglow."

The pegasus saluted, took off and flew over their heads. Twilight's head gradually worked itself forward from the swivel.

"Sneaking," she hopelessly tried.

"Yes," Luna replied. "It has been anticipated for some time. One might even say a number for those of both staffs have been longing for it."

And with the eternal cluelessness of a mare who, upon presented with the word 'date', would turn to calendar and palms before wondering if she'd properly annotated that last voucher, "...why?"

The taller mare worked the shrug into her trot. "As it is not part of the game, I am under no obligation to explain it."

"...oh," Twilight gave up. "But it lets us reach the playing area?"

"Absolutely," Luna smirkingly assured the youngest. "In fact, it takes us directly there..."

The double doors didn't possess much in the way of ornamentation. There were no special sigils or warding signs posted. In fact, there were only two indicators of what was behind them: they were very large doors, and Twilight's blood had just frozen.

"...that's her bedroom," Twilight whispered.

"Oh, good," Luna softly said. "I was in fact about to explain that part. Whispers only from this point forward --"

"-- it's her bedroom," and all four knees were starting to bend. "I'm not allowed in her bedroom. Nopony --"

"-- clearly somepony is," Luna sarcastically countered, "or where would she sleep?"

"We can't --"

"-- so once we return to the safe, you will dispel your half of the shield layering first," Luna casually whispered. "Then I shall use mine as a protective container while I float my book back to where it belongs. Agreed?"

It's her bedroom.

Molten steel poured into Twilight's spine, freeing her blood just before the metal hardened.

It's my book.

"We have to go through there?"

"We play there."

It was the sunk cost fallacy, and she only recognized that after the fact. She'd already come this far. She couldn't stop now.

"But... we're in a tower. There's no private garden, so there can't be a plot..."

"There is," Luna smiled. "In fact, it is the single largest plot anypony has ever seen." Her corona coated the doors, silently slid them open. "Shall we?"

It would have been unfair to say that under other circumstances, Twilight would have been surveying the forbidden realm because under other circumstances, she would have been galloping for her life.

As it was, she missed most of the details. She didn't really see how plain the room was. How the furniture was basic, the paintings were limited to a light-aged pair, and there were just a few mementos on the desktop: things which might have had historical significance, definitely had personal meaning, and when compared to the focus of her terrified attention, might as well not have existed.

There was a bed. It was a very large bed and since it was a summer night, the (also very large) occupant had chosen to sleep on top of the rumpled sheets.

She was on her side. Twilight seldom saw ponies sleeping on their side. A very few favored standing, most tucked their legs underneath, some had tried balancing on their backs -- but the white form was on its right side.

The big body breathed as the borders of mane and tail slowly shifted, and a subtle heat filled the room. It served as direct counterpoint to the cool breath which wafted across the fringe of Twilight's ears.

"So as we have reached the arena," Luna whispered, "allow me to explain the gameplay." Hooves silently slid across the floor. "In the first stage, the goal is to cook peppers. An even roasting is ideal. I will allow you to judge your efforts by my first result, as I have more experience: you will then match that appearance and scent. Whoever roasts the most peppers to perfection wins that stage."

"We're cooking in here," Twilight frantically whispered.

"Yes," Luna calmly replied. "And for the pony who wakes her, half their total is forfeit. Of course, she might wake at any moment, so there is also a certain requirement for speed --"

Twilight, who was starting to get a very good idea of why Pepper was banned and had certain inquiries regarding Moon-banishment and what had to be packed first, still let the obvious statement go through first. The stun had provided it with a clear highway, as all the other thoughts were piled up against each other.

"...but there's no oven. Or fireplace. Or..."

Luna's hooves slid forward again.

"As you have undoubtedly noticed," the dark alicorn whispered, "our ties to Moon and Sun come with certain... connotations. In my case, I am linked to cold. Ice. The chill of vacuum. When I am calm, the air is no more than pleasantly cool as it drifts out from my form. The gift of autumn's renewal. But when I become upset, such as when my property is denied to me... the temperature drops accordingly. And my sibling, linked to Sun... there is a warmth about her, is there not? Place her heart at peace, and every day near her is one spent in spring. But should she become angry..."

Twilight swallowed, and wondered if it had been too loud.

"But she's sleeping," the youngest said. "She's just..."

Luna was at the edge of the bed now. Facing the mark.

"As this is your first time playing," the dark mare said, "I shall take care of the... preheating."

Her head lowered. The tip of the horn lightly touched the fur of the mark. (The big body twitched, and Twilight nearly went two body lengths straight back.) Began to rub, shifting in slow circles.

"Basic stimulation," Luna whispered. "Let me see... to the right for an increase, circle to the left if the desired goal is surpassed. Yes, that was it." And she was smiling again, a smile Twilight would see over and over again in dreams which were never visited. "Time has not abraded that memory."

This isn't...
...she can't...
...I can't...

"The sheets!" Twilight hissed, because the air was in fact becoming warmer, and rather quickly. "The furniture, the -- the everything...!"

"All fireproofed," Luna calmly said. "In case of... issues." Her corona lifted a saddlebag lid, extracted a pepper and gently pressed it against white fur, nodded with satisfaction at the soft hiss of sizzling and glanced back at Twilight.

"I recall your definition of 'fun'," she casually added. "Are you having it yet?"

It's for the book.
It's for a book nopony can finish reading.

Time passed. The pepper cooked. Luna levitated the sample until it was floating in front of purple eyes which hadn't blinked in two minutes.

"In the interests of fairness," Luna whispered, "I will allow you to roast your first without interference, so that we start the game tied. Your move, Twilight Sparkle."

It's the only copy...

Shivering legs shuffled forward. Pinkish energy brought out a pepper.

It was the sunk cost fallacy, and the water level was rising over her head.

Moon is too good for me.
I am going to die.

They were making piles of roasted peppers: Luna's on the left, Twilight's on the right. The latter was uneven and tended to tip under stress, exactly like the waiting-for-death cook.

She had to be quiet. Silence was her best hope to live. And yet words came out, because a mind so focused on its own imminent cessation of existence had a certain demand for distraction. Besides, for those who were so clearly about to die, the current opportunity for learning was obviously the last one and so shouldn't be wasted.

"How did you find out? About the... heat."

Luna coolly regarded her.

"There were injuries."

"Injuries." Because repeating that word seemed to be better than trying to find any of her own.

"Yes. In what were, shall we say, awkward places. Or rather, one awkward place, which was repeated across a multitude of the injured. But as conquering a Princess was seen as desirable, they continued to come, in the hopes that eventually she would. And for her part, it was the only way to practice. She found mastery after a time, and now the only risk in being with her typically results from..." She nodded towards the huge body.

Trying not to think about it (and failing), "I don't --"

"I have been told that it is rather like having an affectionate landslide roll over you in its sleep," Luna horrifyingly clarified. "But her position should be stable for some time. She is dreaming." Another nod. "That is what sleeping on the side typically means, incidentally. Entering a dream state."

"...really?"

A solemn "Yes," as followed by "Now, as we are playing for high stakes..."

The next pepper was extracted, and Twilight's horrified eyes watched the placement.

"Luna!"

"I," the dark mare said, "play to win." Her wings shifted again. They'd been shifting a lot, and every rustle of feathers sent Twilight's pulse rate into triple digits.

"But that's... it's on her..."

"Plot. Yes," the newest kind of nightmare told her. "You are apparently unaware that 'plot' is another term for -- now, what is the modern vernacular? -- oh, yes. Ass. It is another word for ass. And my sister has an extremely large, very hot ass. In fact, at the current moment, it is both the largest and hottest ass in all the realm."

As proof of the space allotted, three more dark-coated peppers were levitated into place.

"You are," Luna smirkingly noted, "let us say... falling behind?"

Many things abruptly became possible when one was already dead, and so four shaking pink-tinged peppers reluctantly came up. Sizzling happened and from her place within the invisible coffin, Twilight failed to check what was happening on the other end.

"But should you ever choose to indulge," Luna mercilessly continued, "or at least inquire, rest assured that there have been no -- injuries -- for some time. In fact, it has been long enough for the cruelest of the rumors to vanish. " She snorted, ever so softly, and Twilight waited for that to rouse the suddenly-much-more-giant-seeming form. "I have not heard the one about the beam since my Return."

"Um," said a suicidal brain cell.

"You have, of course, noticed that her horn is capable of radiating sunlight."

"Er," chipped in the medulla oblongata, which couldn't really get any thought involved.

"So for a time, some ponies theorized that such energies could be focused from the other end. Extremely focused."

"Erk?" inquired the subconscious, which automatically began to redirect a sizzling pepper.

"She does not lase," Luna irritably declared. "A good sear on that one, incidentally. You may wish to --" and then the hiss became urgent. "FOUL, Twilight Sparkle!"

"...what?"

"Not there!"

Twilight looked.

Please let me stop looking.

She couldn't. She also couldn't seen to move the pepper. It was just roasting. Patiently.

"Yes, it would go faster, and the sear would come on all sides at once!" Luna whisper-barked. "But you do not have permission! To insert, even in the name of pulling ahead... that would be..."

And the dark body shuddered. A tremble of memory and purest rage.

"...Luna?" It was almost a full Fluttershy imitation, right down to the desperate need to run.

"...nothing," the alicorn said. "It is... nothing. Something which has not happened in a long time, and I had never considered the possibility of a recurrence until this moment." A second, larger shudder, followed by a steadying breath. "But you could not know that you were violating a rule, not when I failed to explain it. So simply relocate that. NOW."

Her corona twitched, and the pepper flew across the room until it met its final fate as a coating of seeds and smear splattering across a memento.

Dead.
I'm dead.
Is there something beyond 'dead'? I think I'm that too.

The huge body breathed in a somewhat more steady way. Twitched, and the dark alicorn was the only one who noticed the movement.

"So what are our current tallies?" Luna too-casually inquired. Her wings shifted again, and she glanced at the piles. "Hmm. Not a bad effort, for your first time. Although I am surprised the game has lasted this long, especially with your neglecting such a vital aspect of play."

"...what?" 150% Fluttershy. Twilight hadn't even known it was possible to survive that level of internal terror, and she probably hadn't managed that part.

A white snout took a deeper breath. Nostrils flared.

"Well," the worst pony in the world whispered, "I have been using pegasus magic to steadily shift the scent of roast peppers away from her snout: something she may still be rather sensitive to after so many rounds of play. You..."

Which was when purple eyes shot open.

Powerful legs jerked, spasmed out, and Twilight just barely dodged the right hind one. The huge body also seemed to be getting larger: an illusion produced by the movement required to gain its hooves.

"LUNA!" the entire world roared.

"Half your total forfeited, Twilight Sparkle!" Luna abruptly shouted. "And now the second stage! Whoever she catches first gives up two-thirds! I would wish good fortune upon you, but -- !"

Dark energy flared around that horn, and the younger of the Diarchy vanished.

The last coherent thought Twilight had was Oh. Right. She can teleport out of the palace. And then instinct took over.

As it turned out, even when the rational mind had reconciled its own death long ago... instinct, when confronted with a giant mare who was currently the owner of the largest, hottest ass and temper in the world, really wanted to live.

She might have galloped. It was possible that flight was involved somewhere. But she didn't recognize any of it. There was only movement, with a whole world to hide in ahead of her and fire behind. Fire close behind, and the only way to reach the world was to get away from the fire. And so Twilight would never remember how she got out of the palace on that night. All she could ever bring back was the heat.

The heat didn't seem to like her any more.

She awoke under Sun. She also awoke to find her body draped across three sturdy branches, high in an oak tree and mostly concealed by the leafy canopy of summer, her fur touched by what she was hoping was the warmth of sunlight. And as an incidental extra, she awoke to find herself looking directly at a giant hovering white form.

Twilight immediately closed her eyes again, and passively waited for the end.

I'm going to die.
Worse.
I'm going to die without the book.
I should have read it. That wouldn't have hurt as much. Plus I could have tried to leave some annotations behind.

"I've been thinking," the Solar princess softly said. "About how Luna used to operate, and rather apparently still does. She lured you in, didn't she? She told you it was a game, and she didn't reveal its nature until it was too late for most ponies to back out. And backing out meant forfeit, and the one pony who thought he'd stopped in time... well, Luna was very careful to wake me up on her way out."

The huge body heaved a rather soft sigh.

"So did she lure you? Not telling you what was truly involved until it was already happening?"

Twilight's head shifted just enough to qualify as a nod.

"I see," the eldest quietly told her. "I'm... well, I'll admit it, Twilight. I'm angry. And some of that is with you. But it's misplaced, isn't it? I know that, and yet I can't seem to get rid of it. Not completely. So I thought we could... work it out."

The youngest alicorn managed to force her eyes open, and said something very much like a prayer.

"How?"

The Solar princess gently nodded.

"We're going to play a very old game. It's called Icicle."

It started to reach her then, on that level of purest instinct. The part which wanted to survive. But the rational mind was distracted by a question, and so the internal scream of alarm registered just a little too late.

"It's summer."

And Celestia smiled.

"Oh, that doesn't matter," the most evil pony in the world whispered. "In the end --" and smirked at her own not-so-private jest "-- it's all about getting the water into the mold..."