Detective jakkid166's Love Lessons

by jakkid166

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Rarity, Sex
Length: 2189

Detective jakkid166 is doing something that is not his job today. Hes gotta give lessons of love to his friend Marcus, cause Marcus sucks at sex stuff. So I will teach him I guess

Once upon a time wait a minute this the description not the story.

Detective jakkid is still the greatest detectiv in the world. And when you the greatest detective, sometimes you learn how to do things... like the world of sex!

Jakkid meets the man named Marcus who is having a hard time learning how to do sex the way he wants to. So because no one else is here to give him assistance in his dick endevors, jakkid must be the one to give him dating advice. WILL HE DO IT?

Published 2019-11-12 02:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-12 02:20:01 UTC

The Master Dater

“Aww YEAH put the dick in me!” said the pony who was in her bed.

“It's already in you idiot,” said the man pony. The guy pony was there too and he was doing stuff to her and she was liking it. It was stuff like putting dick and humping and stuff and they were

They were having sex.

But then the guy heard a knock at the door. “Wait a minute what is that?”

But then the BED ROOM DOOR of their bedroom burst open and a man walked in. He held up his police badge and said “HALT! I am detective jakkid166 and you are both under ARREEST!”

“What the fuck why?” they both said

“Because you is both fucking a pony and that is beastality.” So I hand cuffe them but that made them even hornier cause theyre into stuff like that, so I brought them both out into my cop car and put them in the back seat.

I got into the driver seat and said “Ok you two better not fuck back there or else I will put you in double prison.”

~ LATER AT THE POLECE STATION ~

I was writing my police report on the ponies who were fucking, and one of them looked at me and said “Why do you have to do this?”

“Because you break the law.” I said. (Breaking the law is illegal)

“No I didnt.”

“Yeah I did now be quiet so I can write the police report.” I said and I pulle out my sharpie and write “Beastality” on his back and his arrest number.

“But” he said. “Bestiality is not illegal in Equestria.”

“Wait what?” I said. “Bull shit! Prove it”

So the guy pulledout his Equestria law book (because it turn out he is a lawyer) (hes not phoenix wright though.) and he flipped to the page on Beastiality. “You see? It says this crime is not illegal.”

“Shit” I said and I uncuffed them. “Okay you can go now.”

“But now my skin fur says BESTIALITY in permament marker!”

“Yeah sorry dont worry itll come off in like 6 months.”

So they both angrily left and I sat back in me chair. “Another good job well done by whoever I am.”

I lookedat my watch and saw that finally, it was CLOSING time! So I got up and tidy up the station and locked up the cells and flush the toilet and turn off the weed growing machine and finally went outside and shut the door and locked it then unlocked it then locked it twice to make sure it was very locked.

I took me keys and loaded them into my Key gun and put it in my pocket. “Sweet. Time to either go home or go save Equestira from danger or something. Actually no since im done working for the day I don't have to do the second thing. Sweet time to go home”

So I got in my police car and drove down the road at 100 speed. But I realized I was going as fast as my speedometer said and then my body was gone as fast as my car. But then I crashed into a leaf and got flung out my windshield and into a houses window at the speed of 2 windows per hour. But thankfully I didnt die because my airbag saved me.

I got up off my stupid ass and looked at where I was. But what I saw was so unnormal to me that I wasnt sure my eyes were really exist.

“What the fuck?" I said. "Are you a strip man?”

Because what I saw was a guy who was taking his shirt off realy seductively and his cat was watching him for some reason.

“Woahly shit!” said the guy while he was still taking off his shirt and it was around his head so he couldent actually see me. “Are you okay? One second let me finish taking my shirt off”

“Dont fucking take your shirt off,” I said. “I don't want to see your mannaries. Also yeah Im fine.”

“Oh alright,” said the guy. “Selena, who the fuck is this?”

“Are you stupid?” said the cat. “Thats detective jakkid166, the greatest detective in the world and also other worlds, and he is the standard of all men should be the want to yeah.” and she was looking at me in a way I dont like. You know how like when ponies have wanted to do things to me in other stories? Probably like that.

“Okay,” said me. “From now on it is illegal for you to look at me. ANyway what the goddammit are you two doing?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” said the guy. “I’m being Marcus. Because thats what my name is.”

“Other than that!”

“Oh this cat is trying to teach me how to get taught dating advice.”

“What to hell?” I said. “What the fuck does a cat know about dating? Thats like a builder knowing about bobbing.”

“Um excuse me?” said the cat. “I know about dating a lot.”

“How?”

“I dont know yet.”

I looked at Marcus. “Why are you geting dating advice from a cat? All they can tell you is meow, unelss theyre a cat that can talk. But ive never seen one of those.”

“But jakkid, who else can I get dating advice from?”

“The master most expert on everything in the entier world of Equestria!” I said. “And when youre an expert at everything, youre also an expert at some things. Like dating.”

“So you know how to date a pony? How many ponies have you sexed?”

“None. But thats irrelevant. The important thing is if YOU want to have the pony sex youve got to learn from the master of not sex.”

“That makes sense.” he said. “Okay what do I do?”

“Wait a minute!” said the cat “You idiot I am the one teaching you!”

so i picked up the cat and put her in the trash can. “Anyway Marcus what is it you want to do?”

“I want to fuck the Rarity.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah probably.”

“Okay,” I said. “First advice. Use comdoms. You do not want to get pony horpes. But second, Rarity is a very sophistercated pony. I think shes british or something. You gotta take it low and slow, like when you deep fry oil.”

“How do I do that?”

“First!” I said. “You must take her to Dinner. And a movie”

“What movie?”

“Something real romantic, like Pony Murder 3: Revenge of Murder. Did you know I am in that movie? I play a dead body. I won 3 oscars”

“Wow thats cool. What should we eat for dinner though?”

“I dunno go to McDonalds I guess.”

“I dont think McDonalds is in Equestria!”

“Okay then go to Burger King.”

“Okay cool” he said. “Anything else?”

“Yeah,” I said and I reach in me pocket and pull out a can of Axe Body Spray. “Use this”

“Okay,” he said and he opened the can and chug it down. “Wow I feel refreshed! And my breath smells amazing!”

“Excellent,” I said. “You are ready now.”

~ LATER ~

I was watching in a near by bush where Marcus went to go knock on Rarity’s door. He knocked on the door but forgot she have a doorbell so he rang that instead. But he forget he can knock on the door so he then knocked on the door instead.

Rarity flirted the door open and said “Hello Marcus what are you doing here?”

“Hi my name is Marcus,” said Marcus. “I am here to take you to go see a movie and eat Burger King.”

“Wow that sounds fun!” said Rarity. “Let me get my Burger King coupons and we will go.”

While she did that Marcus look to me and give a thumbs up. I couldnt use my thumbs cause I was busy playing my Nintendo Switch so I held up one my other fingers instead, but Marcus thought I was being rude and got mad. But he forgot about it cause Rarity came to the door.

“Okay I’m ready!” said Rarity.

“Sweet,” said Marcus.

I watched them go off to the movey theater and I snuck behind them making sure their date go well. They got to the theater and bought 3 tickets and gave one to me without noticing and I followed them in secretly.

“Wow this movie so good!” said Rarity who was muching her Pop Corn. The other theaters shushed her though.

“Yeah it is,” said Marcus. And then he did that stupid thing where you pretend to yawn and put your arm around the girl.

“Idiot!” I shouted at him in sign language. “Do not get too forward!”

“Shit okay” he replied and he sucked the yawn back in and put his arm back to normal.

“Hey Marcus are you bored of the movie? We can do something else if you want,” said Rarity.

“No!” said Marcus. “I am fine. Pony Murder is my favorite movie series. Whats your favorite movie series?”

“John Wick,” I said to him.

“Not you jakkid!” he shushed me quietly.

“Who are you talking to” said Rarity.

“Im trying to get the popcorn man to give us more popcorn!” he said “Oh wait the movie is over never mind. Well that was fun.”

“Yeah!” said Rarity. “But I don’t want to eat Burgor King anymore cause the popcorn made me full.”

“Shit!” said Marcus and he whispered to me “Detective jakkid what do I do?”

“Get her milkshake instead,” I said. “Popcorn make you thirsty!”

“Hey Rarity you are thirsty,” said Marcus. “Want a milkshake?”

“Ooh that sounds tasty.” said Rarity. “Yeah lets do that.”

But when Rarity got up she accidenterly tripped and fell up like 6 rows of seats and landed at my lap!

“What the fuck?” said Rarity. “Detective jakkid what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see the movie I star in!” I said. But she was not buying it cause she saw a piece of paper in my pocket. She pullded it out and read it.

“What the hell? This note says ‘I am Detective jakkid166 and Marcus is using me to get dating help and I am helping him date Rarity so he can sex her’. Marcus you lie to me!”

“What?” said Marcus “No I didnt what are you talking about?”

“Never mind!” said Rarity. “Im going home where nobody there wants just to fuck me.” and she did that.

“Dammit!” said Marcus. “What do we do now?”

I grinned my teeth. “Do not Worry marcus, this was all I accounted for.”

“What?”

“This is the second part of the romantic comedy story, where the hero apologizes to his love and they have sweet reunion and make love at each other.”

“Wait so I get to have sex now?”

“Only if you do it right! You gotta do the apology correct or she may never talk to you again. Maybe she even come to your house and murder you in your sleep.”

“Shit! How do I apologize right?”

“Probably try buying her something. As a token of forgiveness.”

“Great idea” said Marcus and he ran out of the theater.

“Wait what” I said “Wait Marcus where did you go? Goddammit!”

~ LATER ~

Marcus went up to Raritys house and knocked on her door.

“I dont want to talk to you Marcus!” said Rarity. “You are asshole!”

“Rarity im sorry! I only wanted to go on a date with you because I love you so much!”

“Wow is that really true?” said Rarity and she open the door.

“Yes it is.” said Marcus. “And to prove it I got you this gift. A 2018 Ferrari 488 GTB” and he pointed to it in her driveway.

“Holy crap!” said Rarity. “Thank you Marcus!” and she grabbedhim and kissed him and pulled him inside and shut tha door.

Meanwhile I ran up to the Rarity house and wondered were Marcus is. “Marcus where are you?!” and I knockd on the door but there was no answer. “RARITY is MARCUS IN THERE?”

but no one respond, so I went and look around the house. Finally I went to Rarity’s bedroom window and looked inside, and what I saw SHOCKED me to belief!

“AAAAAAAAAGH!” I screamed my eyes. “Shit no! Wait actually this is good cause it means I succeed in helping Marcus. But still FUCK! I didnt wanna see that!” So I walked away. “Yeah woo hoo, it turns out I really am the best dating advice giver. But now I gotta go erase my eyes.” and I kept saying stuff both like “Yay” and and also “Goddammit”.

But then that cat I threw in the trash earlier showed up and said "Jakkid you idiot you shoulda told them to go to In N Out Burger!" and then she jumped at me and scratch me in the face a bunch

THE END

Author's Note

This is based on story called "Free Pussy" by The Intricate Disguise: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/424555/free-pussy