PewDiePie Saves Equestria
PewDiePie Saves Equestria
It was a cold, rainy evening in Göteborg as Felix Kjellberg sat at his computer, wondering what to do next. Happy Wheels? Amnesia? The good thing about Happy Wheels was that new maps were always coming out, which gave him plenty of opportunity to satisfy the bros across the internet with his shouts of “DDAAAADD!” and “I DON’T CAAAARRREEE!”. Not very many new horror games had come out. Maybe he should try Trials Evolution. That was kind of like Happy Wheels, wasn’t it? But with no irresponsible dad.
He cursed in Swedish. Writers have writer’s block. Artists have artist’s block. Felix, otherwise known as Pewdiepie, had Pewdie Block. In his videos, he would have most likely blamed BARRELS!!! or one of his many fictional foes. In reality, he attributed it to his busy mind, with thoughts bouncing back and forth in his head.
Something beeped on his computer. Once again, he had forgotten to log out of Steam. But no, wait…it wasn’t Steam. It was his email. Probably another ad or a player request.
He was half right. It was indeed a game request, an Amnesia custom story by the name of Pewdiequestria. A brony-made map. Pewdie still had weird dreams from when he played The Small Horse I and II. Of course, he had no real problems with bronies, and he had no other idea of what to do next.
So he sighed, logged out of Steam, and started up Amnesia. Going to the custom maps section, he scrolled down until he saw the story Pewdiequestria, and clicked on it, reading the description.
Elloz, Pewdie. Be prepared for the ride of your life.
He’d seen weirder descriptions, but still, there was something ominous about this one. Suddenly he felt like he was being watched. His girlfriend wasn’t home. His dog was asleep. No one else was there. He shrugged it off and clicked Play.
* * *
“Uhhhh…ah, my leg…mitt jävla ben…”
Only it wasn’t just his leg that hurt. As he opened his eyes, Pewdie found himself in a clump of bushes in a strange forest. And he was in pain. A LOT of pain.
“Aggh. God damn it, where am I?”
Birds chirped and squirrels chattered as warm sunlight beamed down through the canopy of trees. Moaning further, he stood up. And fell down.
“Huh?!”
As his vision returned to normal and the pain began to fade, he caught sight of his hand.
Or rather, his hoof.
“WHAT THE FU—”
He stopped in mid-curse and entered what is commonly known as Pewdie Processing Mode, or PPM, and he stared at his hoof for several seconds, mouth agape and eyes wide, trying to wrap his head around what he was seeing. Slowly, his gaze drifted from the hoof to where his left hand would be, only to find another hoof. Looking back at his legs he saw more hooves, and that his body was orange as a pumpkin. He strained his unusually long neck to see behind him and caught sight of a very strange symbol on both his flanks.
They were symbols of Razor Megalodon headsets.
“Okay, okay. Oh, man, what is going on, vad som händer, jag tycker inte det här…”
He then realized that he still wore his gaming headset over his bushy blonde hair. Looking back again, he nearly fainted when he realized that a long tail had sprouted from his rear.
“Oh my God, I’m a HORSE!”
He stomped all around, trying to make sense of the world around him. The sky was blue. The trees were green and brown. And Pewdiepie was a horse.
“This has to be a dream,” he gasped, trying to convince himself. Desperate, he galloped toward the nearest tree, smashing into it headfirst.
“AAOOOWW! Son of a bitch!”
He got up dizzily, swaying back and forth until he shook off his daze and focused.
“Oh man. Oh, I have to find someone. Anyone. Maybe there’s a town or a city nearby!”
And off he galloped, unaware of what adventures—and dangers—lay ahead.
* * *
Pewdie felt like he’d been galloping for hours, and was relieved to see buildings emerge on the horizon of the far-too-idyllic landscape. He slowed and paced himself, still getting used to his new equine body. He was still getting used to his dilemma in general. Here he was seemingly perfect world in the body of a talking Pewdie pony.
Pony?!
“Oh my sweet Jebus.”
Pewdiequestria.
He had become a pony.
“Hey!”
Pewdie had just enough time to look up before he was assaulted by a barrage of confetti and party balloons.
“Welcome, welcome, welcome, a fine welcome to you! Welcome, welcome, welcome, I say how do you do? Welcome, welcome, welcome…”
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”
“…to Ponyville today! Hooray!”
Sure enough, Pinkie Pie happily bounced from her party cannon to the very confused ponified Swede.
“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie, and you’re new to Ponyville because I haven’t seen you before and I know everypony in Ponyville and—”
“I DON’T CAAAARE!” Pewdie bellowed, shutting the pink pony up. “Son of a Vespa, I’m a pony. Detta är några allvarliga skitsnack."
“Huh? What was that, mister? Do you have something stuck in your throat?”
“Pinkie, what’s going on?”
A purple unicorn trotted up to the pair.
“Oh! Hey—”
“—Twilight Sparkle!” Pewdie said suddenly. For indeed, it was Twilight, and she looked quite confused.
“Um, have we met? I don’t think we’ve met. If I may ask, how do you know me?”
“How do I know you?” Pewdie growled. “You’re in every damn bronymap I’ve ever…”
He slowed and stopped. These ponies had no idea what he was talking about. Quickly, he tried to sum up what he knew about the show.
“Er, I mean, I’ve heard of you from, er, uh, Candylot!”
“Don’t you mean Canterlot?”
“CANDYLOT?!” Pinkie Pie jumped in front of Pewdie’s face. “Where is this Candylot you speak of? TELL ME!”
“Pinkie, calm down! He meant Canterlot.” Her gaze shifted to Pewdie. “You did mean Canterlot, right?”
“Er, yesh, I did.”
“Ah. I’m not surprised. Oh goodness, I shouldn’t be saying that!” She giggled. “I’m not one to boast, you see.”
“Yeah, okay, whatever. Now can you please tell me what is going on?”
“Um…” Twilight looked around. “Nothing, really. Do you know anything going on, Pinkie?”
“Nope! I can always arrange something, though! By the way, mister, I didn’t get your name!”
“Felix Kjellberg.”
The ponies stared at him as if he had just uttered the strangest pair of words that anyone or anything had ever spoken.
“I’m telling you, Twilight, he’s got something in his throat!”
“No, I don’t have anything in my throat, you—” But he stopped himself. He had to figure out what was going on, so he decided to play along.
“My name’s Pewdiepie.”
“Pooty Pie. Are we related?” Pinkie asked. “Do you know my sisters, Inky and Blinkie? Or how about—”
“No, we’re not related! I, er, really don’t know what I’m doing here.”
“Huh. That’s strange,” Twilight said.
For some reason, Pewdie decided to press the unicorn. “Why is that strange?”
“Because you’re not the only pony to have arrived unexpectedly with no idea what he’s doing. That’s the second pony in two days.”
“He had a throat problem too when I played him my Welcome Song! Maybe there’s a bad throat epidemic somewhere and everypony is coming here!”
“I doubt that, Pinkie. Now, mister…?”
“Pewdiepie.”
“Right. Mister Pewdie Pie. Allow me to accompany you to our hostel. I’m sure we can find a room for you there.”
“Great. Wonderful. Maybe I can get some sleep and wake up from this jävla dream.”
Pinkie giggled. “You’re not in a dream, silly!”
“Whatever. Shut up.”
“Okie-dokie-lokie!”
* * *
They reached the hostel and found many ponies gathered in a circle, observing a blue stallion and an orange mare arguing in the center.
Twilight’s eyes shot up. “What’s going on?” she asked the nearest pony.
“Oh, that Applejack and Noteworthy are having an argument.”
“Applejack? What are they arguing about?”
“Well, go see for yourself!” the mare said huffily.
“What a bitch,” Pewdie said as he walked alongside Pinkie.
“She’s not a witch, Pooty! You’re really funny! I like you!”
“First off, it’s Pewdie. Pyoo-dee. And second off—”
“Shhh!”
They approached and could finally make out the arguing ponies’ words.
“…didn’t come from yer wagon, than where in Equestria did it come from?”
“How should I know? Maybe a pegasus dropped it! Ditzy’s always dropping things!”
“Ain’t no pegasus drops this son of a parasprite on my apples! Not even Rainbow Dash!”
“Look, I don’t know what else to say, Applejack. But I’m not paying for your squashed apples.”
“You listen good, Noteworthy. Yer wagon was rollin’ right past when it fell, and you’ve got ‘em in there! I ain’t stupid! I can put two and two together! Two plus two equals you!”
The ponies looked like they were about to come to blows when suddenly, out of nowhere, a cyan pegasus flew down and landed in between the two.
“What in the hoof is going on? You guys woke me up with your yelling!”
“Oh, well, I’m so terribly sorry about that, Rainbow,” Applejack replied derisively, “but this here stallion destroyed my apples!”
“I did not! It fell from the sky!”
“These things don’t just fall from the sky!”
“What things?” Twilight said suddenly. Pewdie, who had been looking around, suddenly returned his attention to the arguers.
“Come on over ‘n look, Twi! All a y’all!”
Twilight and the two Pies walked through the crowd and saw immediately what the argument was about. A bucket of Applejack’s apples lay squashed underneath what appeared to be the remnants of a—
“Barrel?”
“BARREL! Where?”
Pewdie had reacted out of pure instinct, and sure enough, there lay a broken barrel, covered with smushed apple.
“No way. That can’t be.”
“I’m afraid it is, whatever-your-name-is,” Applejack said. “And this here numbskull’s the one that didn’t tie it down good enough!”
“It fell from the sky!”
“Things just don’t fall from the sky!”
“Uh, guys, you both need to…”
“LOOK OUT!!”
Everypony looked up to see that the blue sky had been punctured by dozens of tiny black spots, each one growing in size as it approached the ground, roughly cylindrical things that were unbelievably, inexplicably…
“BAAAARRREEELLLLSSSS!”
“Everypony run!”
Barrels, hundreds of them, plummeted to earth, striking buildings and ponies alike. The normally taciturn streets of Ponyville were now alive with screams of terror and the sound of splintering wood.
But in all the carnage, all the chaos, Pewdiepie never moved. He was frozen stiff.
Barrels. Barrels everywhere.
Whether he was frozen in fear, anger, or incredulity, nobody would ever know. But all of a sudden, just as a barrel the size of an elephant was about to cream him, somepony tackled him out of the way. The barrel met the ground with a loud thud, and splinters pockmarked Pewdie’s face. His headset remained on his head, though, untouched by the sudden downpour of barrels.
“C’mon, you! I gotta get you outta here!”
It was the orange pony that had been arguing earlier, the one called Applejack. She’d pushed Pewdie out of harm’s way and now dragged him by the mane to the nearest building, Sugarcube Corner. Ponies were running in all directions as barrels smashed into the ground around them. With a great spurt of strength, Applejack tossed Pewdie through the door and tumbled in herself just before a barrel crashed into the spot where they had just been standing.
The bakery, normally warm and inviting, was now rife with fear and confusion as countless ponies gasped and shrieked whenever a barrel slammed into the roof. Pewdie started to shake on his legs, overcome with fear and, for some reason, amusement.
“Is everypony okay?” Applejack asked the crowd.
“One, two, three…Oh my gosh, where’s Rainbow Dash?”
“She probably made it through alright. Ain’t nothin’ that can stop that pegasus, not even a barrel storm.”
“But what caused it?” another pony asked. “What happened? Wait…”
“Things have been gettin’ real weird, ever since…” Applejack’s voice trailed off as she looked at Pewdie.
“Ever since the new ponies came.”
“What? Another new pony?”
“They must be the cause of it! It couldn’t be anything else!”
“That’s ridiculous! Two ponies coming here can’t make barrels fall from the sky!”
“Who are you to make such notions, Berry Punch?”
“QUIET!!”
The voice was new, male and slick, and it silenced everypony in the room. The only noise was the pounding of barrels on the roof.
“I believe ze new ponies will speak for zemselves,” the voice said, and it was met with murmurs of assent and dissent.
Pewdie looked up. The voice was familiar. Too familiar. As the crowd parted to make way for the speaker, Pewdie struggled to put a name to that voice. But just as he was about to make the connection, the other new pony appeared.
He was more golden that gold. His mane was gold. His eyes were gold. The insides of his nostrils were gilded. On his flank, outlined in black, was a cutie mark depicting a kneeling statue holding a sword. And he had a beard.
Pewdie looked from the pony to his cutie mark, then back at the pony. It was taking a while for things to sink in for the poor Swedish gamer. But suddenly, as he looked at the mark of the statue, he realized and inhaled deeply and dramatically, even though all of the wind had been expunged from his lungs.
The other pony spoke.
“Elloz, Pewdie.”
Pewdie nearly fainted as he realized that the pony standing in front of him, the golden horse, was none other than…
“STEPHANO?!!”
“Jeezus Christ, Pewdie, did jou ’onestly think jou would have ehn adventure without me? Jou know jou can’t do anyzing without my ’elp.”
“But—but—”
“Now hold on just a darn-tootin’ minute,” Applejack interrupted. “You two know each other?”
“Yes, I mean no. Well, sort of, I mean…”
“What? What do jou mean, Pewdie?! Jeezus, ’ow could jou say such eh thing after everyzing we’ve been through?!”
“No way—Stephano—”
“Well, that can’t be a coincidence,” Twilight said. “Two ponies that know each other arriving at the same town just as the strange things start to happen? That’s got fishy written all over it.”
“Yeah,” sneered the rest of the ponies, who eyed the two reproachfully.
“Wait, wait,” Twilight continued. “I didn’t mean it in that way. Neither of these ponies could have caused this. This is some form of magic and they’re both earth ponies!”
The crowd muttered amongst itself. Twilight spoke again.
“What we need to do is write to Princess Celestia. We need to ask her if she knows what’s behind all this!”
“I know what’s behind all zis.”
Everypony turned and stared at Stephano, who had lowered his eyebrows in a very cunning way.
“What the hey do ya mean?”
“I know what’s causing zis. And in eh way, jou’re right. Pewdie and I are involved. But I know someone…or should I say, somezing zat knows what’s going on.”
Before anypony could speak again, Applejack shushed them. Complete silence fell over the bakery.
“Sounds like the barrels’ve stopped fallin’,” she said. “I’m gonna go take a look, see what the damage is. Twi, can you handle this? I could send Rainbow…”
“No, no, AJ. I’m fine.”
“Well, alrighty then.” She galloped out the door and out of sight. The purple unicorn returned her attention to Stephano.
“Okay, mister, just who or what is this thing that knows what is going on?”
“I couldn’t begin to describe what ’e is—”
“He?”
“Jes, he. But I’m afraid ’e will only talk to Pewdie and me.”
“What? No way! What’s really going on?!”
Stephano looked at Pewdie, who was still frozen in shock, unable to stop gaping.
“Very well. I shall take jou to ‘im. But not all of jou. Gather jour best and meet me at ze edge of what jou call ze Everfree Forest. Pewdie and I will be waiting. Come, Pewdie!”
And with that, the golden pony snatched the terribly confused Swedish horse-gamer up and got him galloping out the door. Soon they were both galloping at high speed, though Pewdie had no control over what he was doing as jumbled thoughts raced through his head.
* * *
The edge of the forest was like a desert’s horizon, split into two very distinct planes, one peaceful and one deathly. By the time they got there Pewdie was out of breath. Stephano hadn’t even broken a sweat.
“Alright, I shall get ’im.”
“Stephano…”
The gold pony turned around. “Jes? What is it, Pewdie?”
He took a deep breath. “Why the HELL are you here?! HOW the hell are you here?! You’re—you’re—”
“A figment of jour imagination, jes, I know, Pewdie. But imagination is important ’ere. It’s ze only thing zat matters.”
“Only thing that matters?! Hold on, hold on. You’re not real. I just created you for my videos!”
“And eh damn good job jou did,” Stephano answered, smiling. “But this is Pewdiequestria, ze combined worlds of PewDiePie and My Little Pony. Don’t jou get it, Pewdie? It’s eh game, and jou’re ze gamer.”
“A game…” Pewdie looked around him. “This is a game?”
“What was ze last thing jou did before jou came ’ere?”
“I was…holy shit on a dick sandwich, you’re right!”
“Of course I’m right, Pewdie, when am I ever not right?!” Stephano’s French accent made every word sound like it had been smoothly rubbed with a cheese grater.
“Okay, okay. So, I’m in a game. I have to beat the game. How do I do that?”
“Jou ask ’im,” Stephano replied, and just as Pewdie looked, something jumped out of the forest and tackled him to the ground.
He shrieked in his annoying screamer voice, then began to choke as the scent of rotting meat clogged his nostrils. He then felt something ramming into his backside. The thing was humping him. Humping him.
Rotten meat…insane sexual desire…that could only be—
“Piggeh!” Stephano cried. “Piggeh, get off of Pewdie!”
“Yeeeah, I’m pumped, so friggan’ pumped, and glad to see you, Pewdie!” The rotting pig slid off of the gamer pony and began to bounce on its tiny hooves.
“No fracking way,” Pewdie groaned.
“Yeeeeah, Pewdie. It’s Piggeh time! And I am so freakin’ PUMPED!”
“Piggeh!”
“Oh, yeah, Steph. Thanks. So I was in the forest and I found a tree, yeah? It was a nice tree. Had a nice big hole in it so I could—”
“PIGGEH!”
“Alright, sorry!” The necrotic pig shook his head and looked up at Pewdie. “Okay, so apparently you guys are in a bit of a boner here. But it’s okay, because I know what to do, besides Stephano’s mom.”
“I don’t ’ave a mom, jou fool!”
“Whatever. Any-hoo, I’m here to help you, Pewdie. I know about the good stuff, y’know?!”
“Okay, Piggeh, just tell us what we need to do!” Pewdie snapped.
“Alrighty. It’s in my brain somewhere, lemme just…”
And suddenly Piggeh flew up into the air. His cloudy eyes rolled back and he spoke in an angelic voice.
“First, to brave the dark descent,
where even demons do lament.
Second, neither far nor near
is help as you loose a cry of fear.
Third, only braggarts and fools
dare enter the third forest of ghouls.
And fourth, your freedom lies in reach,
but first you must survive the breach.”
Piggeh collapsed and remained still. Pewdie, though freaked out of his mind, trotted over to aid his friendly necrophilial pig.
“Piggeh? Piggeh!”
“It’s okay, Pewdie!” Stephano cried. “It’s okay! ’e did this with me, too! ’e’ll be awake and ’orny as ever in eh few hours.”
“Wow, somepony please explain to me what I just saw.”
The voice came from behind them, and they whirled around to see Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and the rest of the ponies from Friendship is Magic, minus the yellow and white one. To Applejack’s left stood a big red stallion with a work collar around his neck, but Pewdie didn’t know his name.
“Alright, I just saw a dead pig float in the air and talk. Could you please explain to me what in Equestria is going on?!”
Pewdie sighed. “Your guess is as good as mine, Twilight Sparkle. I have no idea why I’m even here!”
“What?!” Stephano smacked Pewdie upside the head. “Did I not just get done telling jou why jou we are ’ere, Pewdie?!”
“Alright! Jeezus, Stephano, I didn’t need that blow.”
“Alright, enough funny business,” sneered Rainbow Dash as she flew forward and landed smack-dab in front of the two ponies. “Just what are you doing here? Why did that pig talk? And what is that smell?”
Pewdie wasn’t listening. His mind drifted to Piggeh’s words, the prophetic ramblings of a rotting perverted pig.
“The dark descent…cry of…oh, shit…”
“What? What is it, Pewdie?” said Stephano as he tried to ignore Rainbow Dash staring him down.
“Oh my sweet penis…”
“Hey, I asked you a question, bucko!” Dash shouted, grabbing Pewdie and lifting him off the ground.
“Hey! Get offa me!”
“Rainbow, get offa the poor fella! Big Macintosh!”
“Eeyup.”
The huge red stallion calmly plucked the pegasus from Pewdie and set her down, holding her so she couldn’t get to him.
“Now wait a minute. Rainbow Dash has a point,” Twilight said. “What did that pig say, Pewdie?”
Pewdie, uncomfortable with being addressed by name by a pony, cleared his throat. “Uhm, er…he said, ‘first, to brave the dark descent, where even demons do lament.”
“Dark descent?” Stephano cried. “Pewdie, zat’s—”
“Amnesia.”
“Twilight, what’s amnesia?”
“It’s when you can’t remember anything, Pinkie, but what does this have to do with anything?”
“No, no,” Pewdie said, the implication of Piggeh’s words finally starting to dawn on him. “Amnesia: The Dark Descent. It’s a game, a video game.”
“A what now?” Applejack asked, cocking her head.
“A vid—never mind. I know what Piggeh’s talking about.”
“Piggeh?”
“That’s the pig’s name. Look, I guess he’s trying to tell us something.”
“Somethin’ that’ll stop all this craziness?” Big Macintosh asked.
“Maybe, I dunno. But this can’t be a coincidence. Amnesia, the dark descent…Stephano, what was the second thing?”
“Let’s see—‘Second, neither far or near, is ’elp as jou loose eh cry of fear.’”
“Cry of Fear. Oh no.”
“Zen ‘only braggarts and fools dare enter ze third forest of ghouls.”
“What the heck are you two talking about?!” Rainbow Dash said, finally getting free as Big Mac released her.
“Hey, Twilight, What’s-your-face, can we get a minute? Please?”
Twilight saw the desperation in Pewdie’s eyes, so she called for the other ponies to leave the two alone. As they gathered on a nearby hill, Pewdie and Stephano went back to work.
“Third forest of ghouls…that’s Ghoul’s Forest 3!”
“What?”
“You don’t remember? Oh, wait, you were in Amnesia and Cry of Fear, but not Ghoul’s Forest.”
“So what’s Ghoul’s Forest?”
“A scary. A very scary facking game.”
“Oh, please, Pewdie. No game is scary for ze great Stephano!”
“But what about that last one? ‘Freedom is in reach…but first you must survive the breach.”
“Survive ze breach. I ’ave no idea. Do jou, Pewdie?”
“Breach, breach…oh God. Oh shit, no. Not SCP! Please, not facking SCP!”
“What’s SCP?”
But Pewdie wasn’t listening. He paced around Stephano, shaking as though he’d seen a ghost.
“Oh, God damn it, not SCP. Not him! Not them!”
“Pewdie, calm down. What are jou talking about?”
“It’s…it’s the scariest game I’ve ever played. I think.”
“Scarier than Cry of Fear?”
“Oh fuck yes.”
Something stirred behind them. They trotted over to find Piggeh waking up.
“Piggeh?” Pewdie yelled. “Piggeh, can you hear me?”
Piggeh’s vitreous, clouded eyes suddenly flew open.
“He who stalks and never talks, but everyone else hollers.
Don’t look behind you, don’t wife in the club, and don’t give him twenty dollars.”
Then Piggeh began to convulse, but after a moment shook it off and stood up, perfectly fine…aside from the fact that he was a necrotic, nymphomaniacal pig.
“What? What did you say, Piggeh?”
“Huh? What?”
“You said something, you—”
He who stalks but never talks….
“Pewdie? Ze other ponies are coming back. Zere is somezing with them. It looks like eh baby Barney ze Dinosaur. ’e’s running back to ze town.”
“How do you know who Barney is? Oh fuck it, never mind. I…”
“Mr. Pewdie!”
“Great.” Pewdie huffed as Twilight Sparkle approached him. “We’ve just heard from Princess Celestia in Canterlot! Princess Luna has been disappeared!”
“Princess who?”
“She’s the one that watches over the night,” Pinkie explained, but her explanation soared over Pewdie’s blonde-maned head.
“She’s a very important member of Canterlot royalty! Princess Celestia seems to think this is the work of whatever’s behind the weird stuff that’s been happening here!”
“Whoa, whoa, hold on a second. Who’s Celestia again?”
“Uggh, we don’t have TIME for this!” Twilight groaned, leaping out in front of Pewdie and Stephano, being careful to avoid the shivering carcass that was Piggeh. “Princess Celestia needs us to help find her sister!”
Suddenly, without warning, Piggh began to float again, and everypony was awestruck.
“She who guards the moon and night
is in for quite a dreadful fright.
Don’t go to the place where pants are crapped
Then by the peanut man, her neck be snapped.”
“Okay, this is seriously freakin’ me out!” Applejack shouted as Piggeh collapsed. “Did Zecora take over a hog’s body or somthin’?”
“Ain’t one of our hogs,” said Big Mac.
“That doesn’t matter now!” Twilight snapped. “We need to save Princess Luna, and if that hog thing, whatever is, is right, then something’s going to kill her if we don’t hurry!”
“I ain’t goin’ nowhere,” Big Macintosh said defiantly. “I gotta watch over Granny Smith and Apple Bloom.”
“No one said you had t’go, brother,” AJ replied. Big Mac looked mildly sheepish.
“Well then, it’s official. Pewdie, you and Stephano have to come with us to rescue the princess!”
“What?! No we don’t!”
“Jes, we do,” Stephano said nonchalantly. Pewdie just about blew up right then and there.
“We don’t even know where to go, Stephano!”
“Piggeh will tell us zat. Plus I believe we ’ave more friends on ze inside.”
“What do you mean, the inside?!”
“Piggeh! Piggeh! Tell us what to do!”
And just like that, the dead pig rose again.
“Go forth into this forest here,
and let your minds be wrought with fear.
Worry not if you run astray,
the woods will help and guide your way.”
Piggeh flopped over on the ground, dead. Well, unconscious, at least. Pewdie looked from Stephano to Piggeh to the ponies. Applejack stepped forward.
“So yer piggy friend’s sayin’ that if we just go into the woods, we’ll be alright?”
“That’s what it sounded like,” Twilight said. “Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!”
“Now wait just a darn-tootin’ minute, Twi! I ain’t goin’ in there! Not after what happened last time!”
“Wait. What happened last time?”
“I broke my hoofsy,” answered Pinkie Pie.
“I mean besides that.”
“Remember that mad manticore? Even Fluttershy couldn’t calm it down! Heck if I know whatever the hay is in there now, what with barrels fallin’ down…”
“Fine,” Twilight said indignantly. “Then we’ll go without you.”
“Hey, hey, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just sayin’ I gotta look out for my own, okay? I gotta get back to Sweet Apple Acres, anyhow. It probably took a beatin’ from that barrelstorm.”
“Okay, AJ,” Twilight responded. “I guess somepony needs to stay in Ponyville and help everypony get back together.”
“Ooh! Can I come?!”
“No, Pinkie.”
“Well, I wanna come!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, flying in the air with excitement. “Adventure always gets me going!”
“Jes, I think this Rrrrainbow Dash will be of great ’elp to us,” Stephano chimed in.
“Alright. It’s settled. We’ll go and get the Princess, hopefully before another barrelstorm rolls in!”
“Well, alrighty then! Good luck, y’all!” And with that, Applejack and Big Macintosh turned on the hoof and galloped back to Ponyville to aid the stricken citizens. Twilight turned to Pewdie and Stephano.
“Well, you two, looks like we have to go into the forest.”
“What? No way!”
“Pewdie, jou must!” Stephano cried. “It’s ze only way to beat ze game!”
“DAMN IT!” Pewdie screamed, scattering birds from the treetops. After he had calmed, he conceded.
“Okay, fine. Let’s get this done with.”
“Yes!” Twilight exclaimed. “Don’t worry, Princess Luna! We’ll be there to help you in no time!”
And with that they galloped into the forest, leaving Piggeh behind to sun himself on the grassy knoll. The sun shone brightly, warming his rotten flesh, but he suddenly became very cold. He felt a strange presence and sat up, looking around.
“Who’s there?!”
Then, just like that, music rang in his ears. But it was not sweet music. It was heart-pounding, terrifying music, like something monstrous had just—and there it was, standing right there in front of him. Perhaps standing isn’t the proper word for what the monster was doing. Floating menacingly would be more appropriate. Nevertheless, Piggeh was suddenly terrified beyond belief as he looked at the creature that had appeared before him.
It was black and white like a cloaked ghost, and its eyes were mere sockets. Its mouth was curled in the most peculiar of grins, but it was not happy. It was not anything. It just floated there in midair as Piggeh remained frozen in absolute horror. Then, all of a sudden, the thing rushed towards him, and he squealed.
Then it was gone. The music stopped. The sun shone once again. Piggeh turned around and saw the black monster vanish into the trees. He spoke once before passing out.
“Oh, fuck. Uboa.”
* * *
Forests are often dark and foreboding, are they not? The Everfree was no exception. Pewdie had been in plenty of forests, in video games, at least. Cry of Fear, Amnesia, Ghoul’s Forest.
But being in a real forest set him on edge. Stephano’s presence, normally a great relief, only further worsened Pewdie’s paranoia.
This was happening. All hopes of this being a weird, fantastical dream had long been drained from Pewdie’s mind. This was really happening.
Twilight and Rainbow Dash tried to keep things normal by striking up an occasional conversation, but neither Pewdie nor Stephano were interested in talking. The only thing that mattered, to Pewdie at least, was to get the fuck out of this place. They walked for hours, only stopping occasionally when they were tired or unsure of where to go. In fact, they were never sure where they were going. The road seemed to emerge from the trees like Moses parting the Sea of Reeds. Pewdie was not very religious, but could think of no other analogy to describe it. The trees just seemed to fold and buck as they approached, and the road would appear. So they walked and walked, seeing nothing but trees, grass, and road.
And then, without warning, like a phantom, it was there.
A castle, one hundred feet high with walls of corrugated stone and an incredible oaken door that made everypony shiver. Turrets and towers poked up from the castle’s fortress, and the whole thing lay on an island surrounded by a dark, murky moat.
“Whoa,” gasped Rainbow Dash, touching down. “I don’t remember there ever being a castle in the middle of the Everfree Forest.”
“Is this the one we went to when we fought Nightmare Moon?” Twilight asked.
“No, that one was all ruined and stuff. Besides, there was a bridge and a river. This is different.”
“Castle Brennenburg,” Pewdie whispered in disbelief. He took one step forward onto the bridge that spanned the moat, and something shot out of the woods and connected with Pewdie’s head with a loud THUD.
“OWW! MOTHER OF A BITCH!” he screamed, writhing about on the stone.
“Pewdie!”
“Son of a fucking penis, that hurt!”
“Pewdie, it is ze lantern!”
“Wha…?” And then he saw what had hit him: a brass lantern, tied by a string to three black canisters of oil.
“Oh, fucking damn it.”
“Who threw that?!” Twilight said. “Rainbow, go check!”
“Don’t,” Stephano said. “It matters no longer. We must enter ze castle Brennenburg and face ze dark descent.”
“Uhm…yeah.” Pewdie looked at Stephano scathingly, gulped, and motioned the other ponies to follow as he walked up to the oak door. He pulled at the iron rings with his teeth, and the door opened with surprising ease. Then, all of a sudden, a burst of wind caught them all by surprise and whisked them into the castle, and the door shut behind them with a loud, reverberating bang.
Darkness. Complete. Total. It was black as black could be, and then some. Stumbling to his hooves, Pewdie moaned.
“What the fack was that?”
“Yeah, what he said!”
“I dunno, Rainbow! You’re the one who deals with wind!”
“Well I didn’t do that!”
“Then what did?!”
“Never mind zat now,” Stephano interrupted. “Pewdie, light ze lantern.”
Pewdie shook off his incredulity. It was at that time he decided he would try and play along as best as he could, because if he thought too much about what was going on, his head would probably explode. So he fumbled around in the darkness until he managed to pour the oil into the lantern and light it by turning on the switch.
Glorious light filled the dark room, which turned out to be the main hall, a rustic vestibule with twin crescent-moon staircases and a dusty old chandelier. They looked around in awe.
“What is this place?”
“We told jou, it is Castle Brennenburg. Or is it Brennenburg Castle? I can’t remember.”
“Holy cow, this place is huge!” cried Rainbow Dash, zooming around the hall.
“Careful, Rainbow,” Twilight warned. “We don’t know what’s in this place.”
“Probably nothing, dude! Just a bunch of dust balls!”
“I wouldn’t be so sure of zat,” Stephano said. As if on cue, a loud roar echoed through the hall, shaking the chandelier and the rocks around them. Pewdie knew that roar.
“Oh shit.”
“Turn off ze lantern, Pewdie!”
“No!” Twilight said. “We won’t be able to see anything!”
“Better blind than dead!” Stephano shot back, taking the lantern from Pewdie and dousing it. Darkness befell them again, enveloping them like a shadowy blanket. The roar came again, louder and closer this time, so loud that it shook the ground and so close that it made the hairs on Pewdie’s back stand up.
A door at the far end of the hall shook and exploded, and there, standing in the doorway, was—
“THE BRO!”
For it was the bro, the jawless, bug-eyed monster that, with his haters-gonna-hate style of walking and ability to fit 2099 penises in his mouth, struck fear into Pewdie’s heart.
“WHAT IN EQUESTRIA IS THAT THING?!” Twilight screamed.
“It’s the Bro! RUN FOR YOUR FACKING LIFE!”
“NO, PEWDIE!” Stephano shouted, and suddenly the lantern came back on, illuminating his golden skin. At the sight of the light, the bro growled and started running toward the group, and a familiar, haunting noise filled Pewdie’s ears as his vision blurred and distorted.
“I’ll stop him!” Rainbow Dash yelled, speeding like a bullet towards the monster…
…and going right through him.
WHAM!
“Owww!”
Rainbow Dash slowly got up and shook her head, groaning in pain. Meanwhile, the lantern’s light lit up the hall to reveal no monster, no bro.
“Oh, damn it, it was a poofer!” Pewdie groaned.
“A what?”
“Eh poofer,” Stephano answered, looking at Twilight. “Ehn illusion. It rushes jou zen disappears into thin air.”
“Creepy,” said Rainbow Dash, wobbling on her hooves as her eyes rolled in all directions, bleeding from a wound in her forehead. “But I gotta blinder of a headache. Is there an—WHOA!”
And she fell again, flat on her face, and this time she did not get back up.
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight yelled, going to help her friend. “Wha…?”
“Pewdie, look!”
Pewdie did look, and he saw a small cylinder on the stone ground, on which Rainbow Dash had tripped on. His vision was still blurred and he was involuntarily grinding his teeth, but he could just make out a blue aura around the cylinder. He approached it and picked it up in his chattering teeth, only to discover that it was, in fact—
“Ladanadanadanum?!”
“Jes, Pewdie, jes! Per’aps it will aid Rrrrrainbow Dash!”
No sooner did he say this than did a loud bellow echo through the hall and twelve suits of armor appeared out of nowhere, surrounding the group, blocking them in.
“AHHHH! Son of a dick milkshake!”
“Pewdie! Watch jour language! Zere are girls ‘ere!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Stephano, I was just surprised that FREAKIN’ STATUES JUST APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE!”
“What in…” Twilight began. “These aren’t pony suits of armor! I’ve never seen anything like them! What stands on two legs and is as straight as that?”
Pewdie almost said ‘my penis’ but was too afraid and too shocked to quip. The empty suits of armor stood menacingly around them looking very scary and foreboding and—
“Untrustworthy.”
“What?!”
“Pewdie, zey are untrustworthy statues! What do jou do when untrustworthy statues are around?”
And it dawned on him. As Stephano gave Rainbow Dash the Ladanadanadanum, Pewdie stepped back.
“Get out of the way, all of you.”
Twilight was in shock. “How can this be happening? Suits of armor don’t just appear out of nowhere! What kind of magic is this?!”
“Well whatever it is, it ain’t the magic of friendship,” Pewdie quipped. “Now GET OUTTA THE WAY!”
The urgency in Pewdie’s voice prompted Twilight to shut up, and finally there was silence, save for the sounds of Stephano giving Rainbow Dash the Ladanadanadanum. Pewdie walked up to the nearest suit and looked at its helmet. All of a sudden, a floating picture of a hoof appeared over the helmet, and, not knowing what to do next, Pewdie reached out and touched it.
The helmet floated in midair, detaching itself from the suit of armor. Pewdie gasped, then prepared himself.
“Alright. MLG 360 no-scope, bitches.”
Rainbow Dash sat up. “Wuh?”
And Pewdie swung the helmet in a mighty arc, knocking off each suit’s helmet in succession, all while yelling at the top of his lungs:
“I DON’T TRUST YOU!!!!!”
In a matter of moments, all of the suits of armor were headless, their helmets lying hither and fro across the ground. Pewdie gasped, standing on edge, his hooves dug into the stone. Stephano’s jaw nearly touched the floor.
“Pewdie,” he managed, “zat was—”
And then the floor opened up, and they fell through eternal darkness.
* * *
And when they landed, they were still in darkness, save for a tiny spit of light that seemed to emanate from nowhere. They had all landed in a heap, but none of them seemed to be injured. Stephano was the first to rise, followed by Rainbow Dash, followed by Pewdie and Twilight, who awkwardly tried to separate themselves as they rose. Despite the darkness, their visibility was not hindered. They could see each other perfectly, but everything else was black. It was as if they were cutouts in front of a black screen.
“What was that?” Pewdie asked.
“We fell through the floor,” Twilight answered. “Is everypony alright?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Jes.”
“I’m okay, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said. “But where are we now?”
“No idea.”
“Great,” Dash continued. “We’re lost in Celestia-knows-where! IS THIS EVER GONNA STOP?!”
“Rainbow Dash?”
The voice came from neither Twilight nor the stallions, but from the small patch of light. Neither Pewdie nor Stephano recognized it, but the moment the mares heard it they stood stock-still, their eyes wide.
“Rainbow Dash? Twilight Sparkle? Is that you?”
“Oh my gosh. Is that…?”
“Princess Luna?!”
The light expanded, and from it came an oval that floated in midair. In the oval, a midnight-blue unicorn with wings stared out at them, her eyes fraught with fear and her mane disheveled. She seemed to be in some kind of hallway, and there was something that looked suspiciously like a headset on her head.
“Twilight Sparkle! Rainbow Dash!”
“PRINCESS LUNA!” The girls yelled simultaneously, rushing over to the oval. Pewdie and Stephano stayed back, unsure of what to do.
“Princess! Are you alright?” Twilight asked the oval.
“I am, for now at least,” the princess replied.
“Where are you, Princess?” Rainbow Dash said.
“I’m not sure. I was resting on a cloud and when I woke up I was here. This place…it frightens me. I feel as though something is following me, but I have not seen a soul for hours. Or days. I don’t know how much time has passed. My magic is useless here!”
“Don’t worry, Princess! We’re coming to rescue you! We just, erm, we don’t know where we are.”
“Then the feeling is mutual, Twilight Sparkle. Pray tell, who are those gentlecolts behind you?”
Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked expectantly at Pewdie and Stephano, and with great reluctance Pewdie followed his golden friend forward.
“This is Pewdie Pie and Stephano, Princess. They’re the ones in charge of this whole rescue operation. They’re leading us to you!”
“Hey, uh, Princess?” Rainbow Dash asked suddenly, peering at the oval. “What’s that on your head?”
“Oh, this?” Luna fiddled with the object, which was indeed a headset. “I do not know. I found it on a table of some sort in the room I woke up in. Whenever I press this button the device emits a very annoying sound that hurts my ears. Listen.”
She flipped the switch on the headset, but no annoying sound came from it.
“Uh, we don’t hear anything, Princess Luna.”
“You don’t? Strange, neither do—”
“AGGGHH!”
Pewdie writhed in pain as earsplitting wails ripped through his skull.
“What?” Luna said. “What is wrong, Sir Pewdie?”
“GAAH! STOP TALKING, BITCH! YOU’VE GOT YOUR VOLUME TOO LOUD!”
“What?”
“YOU’VE GOT YOUR VOLUME TOO LOUD! FRONT SWITCH! FRONT SWITCH!”
“Oh, you mean this switch?” She flicked it and the noises faded. Pewdie sighed and collapsed. Stephano rushed to his side.
“Pewdie?! What ‘appened to jou?”
“Eurgh…that dumb pony had her mike up too loud.”
“WE ARE NOT DUMB, THOU FUSTILLARIAN MAGGOT!”
“Okay, Princess, NOW you’re being too loud,” Twilight said carefully, trying to cover her ears.
“My apologies, Twilight Sparkle. But it is unwise to speak ill of Canterlot royalty when Canterlot royalty happens to be present.”
“Wait. How the hell did you hear me?” Pewdie asked, but the moment he asked he answered his own question.
“My mike. You can hear me through my headset, can’t you?”
She nodded. “Indeed I can, Pewdie Pie.”
“Well, this is just spec-facking-tacular.”
“I’m afraid I do not understand your words, sir Pewdie Pie.”
“Yeah, we’ll there’s a lotta stuff I ain’t understanding either, Princess whatever.”
“Princess, are you alright?” Twilight asked.
Luna sighed. “Yes, Twilight Sparkle. But as I said before, I think something may be following me. I can’t be sure, but now that I have a means of contacting you, I can—”
Suddenly…
Uboa.
“HOLY FUCK ON A STICK!!”
The music. The face. The unbridled terror. Everypony screamed, even the stalwart Stephano and the brave Rainbow Dash, but their screams were nearly drowned out by the heart-stopping music that played as the menacing ghost-face watched them. Luna was gone, replaced by the monster. And all they could do was scream.
And then, Pewdie had a crazy, stupid idea.
“FOR NARNIA!” He yelled as he galloped at full speed towards Uboa, and just as he thought the ghost-thing was going to swallow him up, it disappeared in a flash of light, and they were falling again.
* * *
Snow, falling silently. The blinking lights of a faraway city.
Felix looked up and saw perhaps the best thing he had ever seen in a long time: the lights of Göteborg, far off in the distance. He punched the air with glee and got to his hooves.
His hooves?!
He was still a pony!
“FUUUUCCCKKK!”
“GAH!”
“Hey, what the hay?!”
“Pewdie? Pewdie, what is wrong?!”
“Fucking penis shit piece of dick cheese…”
He went on for several minutes, laying down profane word after profane word. Only when he ran into a wall did he stop cursing.
The wall hadn’t been there before.
“What ze…Pewdie, were are we?”
Pewdie stared at the wall. No longer could he see the lights of Göteborg. Instead there were four walls, and suddenly four doors appeared on the walls. Each had a plaque on it, each reading different words.
Then things began falling from the sky.
“Look out!”
Everypony managed to hug the walls as a cascade of objects came crashing down. Most of them were tiny, resembling pens, and Pewdie saw that they were actually morphine syringes, just like from the game. An object that almost conked Stephano on the head had a much more discernable shape, that of a Glock. Then came a nightstick, a FAMAS, a satchel, another Glock with a flashlight attached to it, and three bottles of Diet Coke. The last thing to fall was—
“GAAOOOWWW!”
“Pewdie! What is—oh.”
—a chair.
“Mister Chair?!”
“HEH, PEWDIE, HAOW’S IT GOIN’, BRO?!”
“GAH, SHUT UP!”
“What in Equestria?”
“Is that chair talking?”
“OW! Something just poked me!”
“Wasn’t me, Twilight.”
“Heh, Pewdie, haow you been?”
“Mister Chair, what the fack are you doing here?!” Pewdie yelled at the motionless chair, and he nearly fainted when the chair rose five feet into the air and began to move like it was talking.
“Imma here to save ya, Pewdie!” the chair said.
“Uhm, does somepony wanna answer my question?” Rainbow Dash said, looking around. “Why is that chair talking?”
“This is Mister Chair, eh good friend and companion of Pewdie’s,” Stephano answered. “And jes, ‘e is eh chair. Deal with it.”
“Huh?”
“I can help you through here, Pewdie! But you gotta use Chairmode!”
“Mister Chair, I don’t have time for this! Can you please just tell us where we are?”
“Eh, you’re in Cry of Fear, I think. You gotta get through these doors to get outta here, Pewdie. But you gotta use the things that fell from the sky! You gotta get through the doors, and you can only do that using Chairmode!”
“Chairmode is not what I’m looking for right now, Mister Chair!”
“Pewdie, what’s Chairmode?” Twilight asked.
“I’m glad you asked, little purple unicorn thing,” the chair responded. “Chairmode is when Pewdie goes ‘CHAIRMODE ACTIVATED. BOOP.’ And then all the enemies can’t find him! Isn’t it great?”
Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t get it.”
“Mister Chair, please shut up while I try to figure this out.”
“Okie dokie, Pewdie!”
The chair stopped floating and finally shut up. Pewdie started to pace as Stephano signaled Twilight and Dash to be quiet. The Swedish pony approached one of the doors and read the plaque.
SOCIAL MEDIA WILL KILL YOU.
“Huh?” he said quizzically. “‘Social media…’ What the fuck?”
“Open ze door, Pewdie! Wait, no! Take eh gun first! Jou never know.”
Realizing that Stephano was right, Pewdie tried to pick up the FAMAS with his hooves, but succeeded only in failing to do so. After attempting to do the same with the Glocks, Pewdie gave up and instead clenched the nightstick between his teeth.
“Alwigh,” he said through the nightstick. “Lesh do dish.”
Stephano opened the door.
On the other side was a long hallway with doors on either end, like an apartment building hallway. At the far end of the hallway stood a tall man in a suit, but he didn’t have a head. Instead, an open book sat atop his neck.
“OH GAW! FASHEOOK!”
“What?!”
Pewdie spat the nightstick out. “FACEBOOK! RUN!”
“What’s facebook?!”
“SHUT THE DOOR, SHUT THE DOOR, SHUT THE—” Then Pewdie began to choke, as if an invisible hand had reached out and started throttling him. Rainbow Dash and Twilight screamed, but Stephano made his move, rolling across the floor and picking up the FAMAS in his hooves, then, sticking one of the morphine syringes in the trigger guard with his mouth, aimed and pushed back, firing.
The kickback was brutal on Stephano’s shoulder, but every round met its mark. Soon Facebook was riddled with bullets, and he disappeared into thin air. Pewdie stopped choking, and the hallway collapsed, taking the door with it.
Everypony breathed heavily as they stared out into the black abyss where a door with an odd plaque had once stood. Pewdie got up, coughing and spitting.
“Fuckin’ Facebook, man. I hate that guy.”
“But what the heck was that?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
“Ehn enemy,” answered Stephano. “No more, no less.”
“Well, that’s helpful.”
“Uhm, Mister Stephano, what is that thing you made it go away with?”
“Zis?” Stephano examined the FAMAS. “Zis is eh gun, eh weapon. Pewdie uses it often to kill enemies.”
Twilight looked extremely affronted. “That’s horrible! Machines to kill things with!”
“Would jou rather have let Facebook kill jou?”
Stephano’s retort shut the unicorn up, giving Pewdie a chance to interrupt. “Hey, stop it! We need to open these other doors!”
“We do?”
“Yes, Rainbow Dash,” Pewdie said, no longer uncomfortable with addressing the ponies by name. “If there’s a way out of here than it’s sure to be through one of these doors.”
“What’s this plaque say?” Twilight asked, looking at another door. “‘Mothers of a sandwich…’ Huh?! Mothers of a sandwich? What does that mean?”
“Only one way to find out,” Pewdie groaned. “Stephano, you got the gun ready?”
“Ready, Pewdie.”
“Imma ready too, Pewdie!”
“Shut up, Mister Chair.”
Taking a sharp breath, Pewdie opened the door.
Immediately he was set upon by a horde of women with bloody cones for arms and legs, each without eyes and each screaming her head off. Pewdie screamed with them, and Stephano opened fire. But the ladies kept coming and screaming, and every time Stephano pumped one full of lead, she would stab her own throat with her cone-arm, and another would take her place. Rainbow Dash flew above the horde, trying to figure out a way to help.
“Pewdie, I’m out of ammo!”
“Damn it! It’s Ruben’s Moms!”
“Pewdie, stand back! I got this!” yelled Twilight, and she readied herself, bracing as if for impact, and her horn glowed purple. The women were drawn to the light of her horn and began to scream louder, but suddenly the black room turned bright purple, and the screaming stopped. When Pewdie, Stephano, and Rainbow Dash opened their eyes, all the women were gone. Twilight gasped and nearly collapsed.
“Twilight!” Rainbow Dash yelled, going to help her friend. Stephano and Mister Chair went to check on Pewdie, and found him bleeding profusely.
“Fuck…fuck…son of a penis…”
“Pewdie!”
“I toldja ya had t’use Chairmode, Pewdie!”
“Shut up, Meester Chair!”
“Aaaoooow.”
“I’m okay, Rainbow,” Twilight grunted, getting to her hooves. “Well that was certainly a doozy.”
“Twilight! Rrrrainbow Dash! Pewdie is bleeding very badly!”
“Oh geez,” Rainbow Dash said, cringing. “We need to help him!”
“Jes, jes, we do, but how? There is no more Ladanadanadanum, and we don’t have…”
“Give me a syringe, Stephano!”
The golden stallion clapped his hooves together. “Of course!”
He picked up a syringe with his mouth and, without wasting a second, jabbed it into Pewdie’s body. Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked at Pewdie peculiarly, to which Pewdie responded, “Don’t do drugs, ponies.”
Immediately the blood disappeared and his wounds cleared up as if they had never been there. He got to his hooves and shook droplets of blood from his mane.
“Shit. Well, that door wasn’t good.”
“What were those things, Pewdie?”
“That was a whole bunch of Ruben’s Mom.”
“Who’s Ruben?”
“Doesn’t matter anymore, does it?” Pewdie replied, going to a third door. “What’s this one say?”
He looked at the third plaque, which read:
RUN LIKE A BOSS.
“Zat does not sound very promising, Pewdie,” Stephano piped up. “But let us do it anyway, because zat is how we roll.”
“And that’s how we get all the ladies,” Pewdie finished, opening the door.
They all piled into a large room with a single hanging lamp as the only source of light. Their hooves echoed on the hard concrete ground, but Pewdie’s didn’t. His clacked instead, and as his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he realized where they were.
It was a tunnel, a subway tunnel.
Run like a boss…
Pewdie’s eyes widened. “We need to get back. Now.”
“Wha?”
“Pewdie, what’s…”
“Don’t ask questions, just get back to the…”
BBBBBWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOO…
The sound of an incoming farsa.
“OH, FUCK ME! EVERYBODY RUN!!!”
Sure enough, the lights of the oncoming train popped into view barely two hundred yards from where they were standing, and while the moment sent shivers up and down their spines and kickstarted their bodies into running like heck back to the door, none of them screamed. Fear had paralyzed their vocal chords.
The train’s lights grew brighter and brighter. Everypony had managed to reach the door. Everypony but Pewdie. Stephano reached out with his hoof as the train loomed over the Swedish pony, and, with an almighty tug…
“GAHH!”
WHAM!
The door snapped closed and disappeared, leaving only one door remaining. Everypony breathed heavily, trying to take into account what the heck just happened. Rainbow Dash was shivering. Twilight’s eyes were wide as dinner plates and her teeth were chattering. Pewdie looked up to see that he was lying on top of Stephano in a very suggestive position.
“Aaww, you two look so cute!”
“SHUT UP, MISTER CHAIR!” they both screamed, tumbling off one another. They gathered themselves and, after composing themselves, looked at the final plaque.
TAKE THE CAR.
“Take the car?”
“What’s a car?”
Pewdie opened the door. This time there were no surprises. They ended up in a parking lot outside a dingy apartment. It was snowing, and city lights twinkled off in the distance. It looked exactly like a December evening in Göteborg.
The only car in the lot was a beat up police car.
“Polisbil?!”
“Huh?”
“That’s Polisbil!” Pewdie cried. “He…I mean, it was always here in Cry of Fear. But what do we do with it?”
“Ze sign said to take ze car,” Stephano reasoned. “Zis is ze only car around. Perhaps we should take it.”
“Nopony answered my question,” Rainbow Dash cut in. “What the hoof is a car?”
“It is a carriage of sorts, a horseless wagon made of metal,” Stephano answered. Twilight’s ears perked up.
“Horseless? So it runs on magic?”
Stephano smiled. “Something like zat.”
“Well, I can see the keys in the ignition,” Pewdie said. “I don’t know where we’d drive to, anyw—”
SMASH!
“GAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!”
“HOLY SHITBALLS, WHAT THE FACK IS THAT?!”
No sooner did Pewdie scream these words than did he come face to face with…
…a giant face. The giant face, the infamous face at the beginning of the game, representing the point of decision for many a gamer as to whether or not they wished to continue playing Cry of Fear.
“NO, NO, NO, SENORITAS EVERYWHERE!” Pewdie screamed.
“INTO ZE CAR! NOW!”
The other two ponies, shocked speechless, piled into the police car as the giant face bore down on them. Pewdie and Stephano were already inside, and as Stephano turned the keys in the ignition, Pewdie slammed his hoof on the gas pedal. They plowed through a shoddy chain link fence and swerved to avoid an abandoned bus in the middle of the road. The face was right behind them.
“WHAT THE HOOF IS HAPPENING?!”
“SHUT UP AND LET ME DRIVE!”
They found themselves on a highway, then on a country road. The face never slowed. Indistinct shapes passed them by, shapes of buildings, of people. And in what seemed like far too short a time, they were already in the Swedish countryside, still being chased by an enormous blood-covered, bug-eyed head.
And then the road ran out.
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
SMASH!
…
* * *
Rainbow Dash was the first to wake up, and when she did she found herself face to face with Pewdie’s slobbery mouth.
“Ewww!” she squealed, backing away as far as she could. “Wake up, you guys!”
“Uhhh…” Pewdie moaned, waking up and tasting blood.
“What happened?”
“I guess we crashed your metal carriage thingy.”
“Okay,” Twilight said, wincing from the major headache she had. “I’m officially done with asking what’s going on. I’ve seen so much unbelievable stuff today that I’ve just about had enough!”
“Nuh uh!” Dash countered, looking at her incredulously. “Twilight, we came this far! You can’t quit on us now!”
“But we don’t even know where we are!”
“Wait…” Pewdie groaned, trying to rid himself of his dizziness. “Wait…where’s…?”
“What? What’s up, Pewdie? Hey, where’s your friend?”
“Stephano?”
The golden pony was gone.
“Stephano!” Pewdie cried, freeing himself from the wreckage. “Oh shit. Stephano?!”
“He must have gone to get help,” Rainbow Dash reasoned.
“How could he go get help if we don’t even know where we are?” Twilight asked, shaking her mane free of dust.
“I know where we are.”
The other two ponies stared at Pewdie, who was looking not at them but into the dark abyss of the woods. They realized that it was very quiet, which upset both Twilight and Dashie. Even the Everfree Forest had its share of ambient sounds during the darkest of nights, but here, there wasn’t so much as the hoot of an owl or the crinkling of leaves blowing in the wind.
“The third forest of ghouls.”
As soon as the words escaped his lips, a small fire popped up deep within the forest, providing the only light in the otherwise pitch-black woods.
“Hey, look! A fire!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “That must mean somepony’s near by!”
“Wait, Rainbow,” Twilight said. “We don’t know who lit that fire. It could be a dangerous pony, or something.”
“We have to go there,” Pewdie muttered, realizing what had to be done. “Otherwise we will all die.”
This shut the other ponies up as they stepped forward into the woods and toward the fire. They knew it wasn’t a forest fire by the way it never grew and stayed put. It had to be a campfire. Pewdie, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight dodged branches, trunks, and fallen logs as they drew closer and closer to the light. The eerie silence continued. Even the leaves underneath their hooves made no sound when they crushed them. None of them spoke as they made their way through the forest.
At last, they reached a wide clearing. The campfire lay smack-dab in the middle, and something was lying on the ground next to it. Pewdie galloped over to the object as Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked around to see who had lit the fire. As his eyes adjusted to the light, Pewdie approached the object and squinted.
It was a longbow.
Then, without warning, the fire went out. There was no gust of wind, no splash of water, not even a wisp of smoke. The flames simply disappeared, plunging the clearing into darkness.
“Hey! Who turned out the lights?!”
“Stay calm, Dash! Pewdie! Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Twilight! But we must move! They will be here soon!”
“Who?”
“Uh…would it be, maybe, I dunno, them?”
In the moonless darkness, Pewdie could just barely make out Rainbow Dash’s hoof pointing west. He traced the finger’s path and stared where the pegasus was pointing.
His blood ran cold, and suddenly, uncontrollably, he evacuated his bowels.
“Oh, shit. Shit!”
“Huh?”
“How do you use this goddamn thing with hooves?!” Pewdie screamed as he tried to pick up the bow.
“Use what, Pewdie? What’s going on?”
“Twilight, those things are getting closer!”
“What things?!”
“THOSE THINGS!”
They entered the clearing.
There were three of them. A skull, eyeless and menacing, its teeth chattering, aching to dig into flesh. A pallid, black-eyed ghoul, scurrying on the ground like an overgrown spider. A winged banshee, screaming as she swooped down to catch her prey.
“DAW, FUCK ME!”
“PEWDIE!”
Light blasted away the darkness. A purple orb of bright energy pulsed from Twilight’s horn, driving the creatures back momentarily. Pewdie saw the creatures in even more detail, and despite having just shat himself, he was determined to kill these monsters, whatever the cost.
Well, unless the cost was his life. Then that wouldn’t be too good.
“Pewdie! Watch out!”
The Swedish stallion barely had time to register Rainbow Dash’s voice before the white scurrying ghoul was on top of him. Screaming like a madman, the monster went for Pewdie’s throat. He stared into its eye sockets, trying desperately to buck the ghoul off. Finally, amidst the pain, he managed to bring his leg forward and kick the monster off, sending it into a tree. Following through with his attack, Pewdie jumped up and burro-kicked the ghoul in the back, splitting it in two and coating the stallion in dark blood. Elsewhere, Rainbow Dash was in the battle of her life with the banshee, whose screams made everypony’s eardrums bleed. Twilight, so busy trying to keep the clearing lit up, did not notice the skull bearing down on her. Pewdie’s eyes went wide, and he dashed to the unicorn, ramming the skull headfirst. The giant skeletal head went flying, but reared quickly and came back.
Suddenly, Twilight called out.
“PEWDIE!”
No sooner did the stallion turn around than did a purple orb of magic dissolve into his body, racing through his veins. He felt empowered, mighty, like he had just been doped up on steroids. The skull was closing in fast, but Pewdie did not fear it. He grinned. The magic in his brain was telling him exactly what to do. He caught sight of Twilight nodding, answering his unasked question, and he nodded in return, smiling.
Pewdie looked back at the skull, which was less than twenty feet away. He closed his eyes and concentrated.
A purple flaming sword materialized out of thin air, hovering just above Pewdie’s head. The Swedish stallion smiled and looked into the skull’s empty eye sockets.
“Hey Skully,” he muttered to himself, raising the sword with his thoughts as the monstrous head closed in. Ten feet…five feet…one foot…
Pewdie screamed.
“YOU SPEAK CHOPNESE, BITCH?!”
The skull never touched a single hair on Pewdie’s mane. The purple sword hacked and chopped the giant monster, and it shrieked hideously. But Pewdie kept chopping away, slicing and dicing the skull as if he were holding the sword himself. Finally, after about thirty or so swings, the skull fell to pieces and disintegrated, and the sword dissolved into purple flame, collecting on the forest ground and providing light, for Twilight had fallen unconscious. Rainbow Dash was nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly Pewdie felt very, very alone. The woods were quiet as they had been before. The bow still lay on the ground, untouched. Pewdie made his way to Twilight to see if she was alright. Her chest contracted and expanded. She was still bleeding, but something had knocked her out cold. He reasoned it must have been the magical discharge.
Pewdie began to cough, trying to think of what to do next. But his thoughts were interrupted by more coughing, and the coughing eventually became retching and hacking, and Pewdie was breathless as he hocked up glob after glob of black liquid and spat it onto the forest floor. At the same time, a strange fuzzy noise came through his headset, getting fuzzier and whinier by the second. Pewdie was on the verge of choking to death, but just as the edges of his eyesight turned black, he felt the last glob of black goo leave his esophagus, and he collapsed, breathing hard, ignoring the whiny noise in his headset.
Suddenly…
Rainbow Dash.
“WHOA!!”
WHAM.
The pegasus had collided with a tree, and the sound of the impact roused Twilight Sparkle from her unconscious rest. Rainbow Dash sat up and shook off the crash, wobbling on her hooves a little.
“That dumb banshee thing dragged me all across the forest! I got it, though! What happened to you guys? Pewdie, what’s that stuff on your front?”
The gamer pony looked down and saw that some black goo had stuck to the front of his body. At the same time, he realized that the whiny noise had disappeared.
“Uhm…er…nothing, Rainbow Dash. I’m okay. Twilight saved my ass.”
“You have a donkey?”
“Uhhh…”
Twilight got up and shook her mane free of dust. “What the heck just happened?”
“We kicked some tail, we did!” Dashie exclaimed, doing a loop-de-loop in celebration.
“Oh, good.”
“Hey, Twilight,” Pewdie said, trying to avert his eyes. “Uhm…thanks. I woulda been killed back there if it hadn’t been for you.”
“We’re all in this together, Pewdie. We have to look out for each other. That’s what friends are for.”
Pewdie started to say something, but the words lodged in his throat. Friends? He was friends with these ponies? But…they weren’t real! They were cartoons, figments of an American toy company’s imagination! And yet he spoke to them, walked with them. One of them just saved his life.
Too crazy to be a dream, too cuddly to be a nightmare. So what else was there? Reality. This was really happening. He had just torn a monster skull to pieces by the power of Chopnese. Maybe if he got lucky he could introduce some of these fuckers to the language of Axenese, or Chainsawnese.
“So where to now?” he asked.
“I saw a big house down that way!” Rainbow Dash said, pointing. “Maybe somepony there can help us!”
“We don’t seem to have very many options at this point,” Twilight agreed. “Let’s head there.”
“Alright,” Pewdie said, and he and the unicorn followed the rainbow-maned pegasus as she led them from the clearing.
And not once, during their entire debacle, did anypony notice the faceless black-suited pony hiding among the trees.
* * *
“Whoa. That’s not a house. That’s a fucking mansion!”
They had not gone far before the lights of the giant house began to poke through the trees. And Pewdie was right, it was a mansion. It had to be at least four floors, with a stone exterior and many windows. Something felt strangely familiar about the mansion, but at this point, Pewdie was ready for just about anything.
Except the flying dead pig.
“GAAAAHH! PIGGEH, STOP HUMPING ME!”
“But I’m so pumped, Pewdie!”
“Oh, in the name of Equestria, not this thing again!”
Sure enough, Piggeh the dead piggy was now pounding the hell out of poor Pewdie with his putrid pig penis. Pewdie yelled and struggled until Rainbow Dash finally knocked the dead swine off.
“Ow,” he said, getting to his hooves. “I didn’t need that, Technicolor bitch.”
“Rainbow Dash, you filthy pig,” the pegasus growled.
“Whatever.” Piggeh looked at Pewdie. “Anyway, I was in the neighborhood, Pewdie, feelin’ pumped as ever, and I figured you could use some help I’ through this house, y’know? Actually, Horny and Pride Pony over there might wanna get in on this too, seeing as their friends are involved.”
Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked up. “What do you—” But they were interrupted as the pig flew into the air and began to speak.
“Inside you’ll find your Jack and Mac,
As well as Pewdie’s friend.
But also lurks a purplish fiend
That seeks only your end.”
Piggeh collapsed, and Pewdie started to pace.
“Jack and Mac…”
“He must’ve meant Applejack and Big Macintosh!” Twilight exclaimed. “But what are they doing in that house? They went back to Ponyville!”
“Only one way to find out, I guess,” Rainbow Dash said, flapping her wings. “He said something about Pewdie’s friend. Maybe he meant Stephano?”
“Maybe,” Pewdie answered. “But a ‘purplish fiend’ can only mean one thing. Ao Oni.”
The name drew blank stares from Dash and Twilight.
“Big scary monster that likes to rape people.”
“What’s a rape?”
“Never mind that now,” Pewdie said. “We gotta go in. You coming, Piggeh?”
The pig stood up. “Hmmmmmmmmmmm…nah. You gotta deal with this shit yourself, Pewdster. See ya!”
With that he ran off into the forest, oinking as he went. Pewdie would have laughed if he didn’t know that he was about to enter a giant mansion inhabited by a mutant Barney the Dinosaur that wanted nothing more than to shove itself right up his—
“God damn it, we gotta go in.”
“Uh huh. I guess so.”
“Well then, let’s go.”
* * *
The mansion looked nothing like Castle Brennenburg, in that it was brightly lit and modern. Pewdie and the mares made their way through the many rooms of the first floor, finding no ponies and no purple demon.
“Rainbow Dash? Twilight? I’m going upstairs.”
“Alrighty.”
“Are you sure you want to go alone?”
“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine!”
No I won’t, Pewdie thought as he climbed the stairs.
The second floor was nearly identical to the first, except there were more rooms and fewer windows. The only sounds Pewdie heard were the mumbles and shuffles of the ponies one floor below him. He was alone, all alone up here. The purple freak was nowhere in sight.
“Sup.”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!”
Pewdie jumped about five feet in the air, landing on his head. As the other ponies rushed to see what was going on, Pewdie looked up at the speaker.
It was another pony, but with the strangest face he’d ever seen. His eyes were twin circles with neither irises nor pupils. His mouth was a mere line on his chalk-white face. He had an antenna of some sort sticking out of his maneless skull. And he never blinked. Never.
Pewdie suddenly realized who he was looking at.
“Cry?”
The white pony remained expressionless.
“Hey, Pewds.”
The awkward union of PewDiePie and Cryaotic was interrupted by Twilight and Rainbow Dash speeding up the stairs to see what was the matter.
“What’s going—hey, who the heck is this guy?”
“Chill out, Rainbow Dash. This is Cry. He’s a friend.”
“Sup, guys.”
They did not return the greeting. Cry returned his attention to Pewdie.
“Well, I’m here, just like you, Pewds. Now we gotta save Princess Loony.”
“Luna!”
“Whatever.”
“But Cry,” Pewdie asked, shaking off his headache. “What the fack are you doing here?”
“I’m here to help, just like I did on DayZ and all those Gmod maps.”
“Ooooh…kay.” Pewdie looked around. “Do you have any idea where…where the demon is?”
“What demon?”
“Are you serious? The big purple fucker who wants to rape us all!”
“There you go with that rape thing again,” Rainbow Dash interrupted. “Is it like a grape? Does it taste good?”
Cry broke into laughter, which made for a very odd spectacle as his mouth didn’t move at all. “What does rape taste like? Now that, I never thought I’d hear.”
“Cry, we don’t have time for jokes! This is Ao Oni, remember? The one with the giant purple monster?”
“You mean like that one?”
Cry pointed behind Pewdie, and suddenly the room became icy cold. Pewdie could hear his heart beat faster and faster. Twilight and Dash were both paralyzed, their eyes trained on the spot Cry was pointing at. Slowly, very slowly, Pewdie turned around.
And there it was, standing at the end of the hall. Body like a clay figure, head like an Easter Island statue. Bloated, gigantic eyeballs. A bemused expression on its face. Purple, deep purple, so deep one might have called it evil purple.
Ao Oni.
“He’s not moving, Pewdie.”
“I can see that, Cry.”
“Pewdie, what is that thing?” Twilight asked, her voice quivering.
“That’s Ao Oni. Whatever you do, don’t let it catch you.”
“But he’s not—”
The demon moved forward, and familiar warning music played over and over through his headset.
“SHIT! RUN!”
“To where?!”
“Anywhere far from him! Just go!”
And so they split up, Twilight and Rainbow Dash heading down one corridor, Cry and Pewdie bolting down the other. The demon reached the end of the hall and looked from left to right, trying to decide which pair it wanted to go after. Cry and Pewdie ducked into a dark bedroom, and the warning music slowly faded away.
“Oh, son of a shit, that was close.”
“You think those other ponies got away?”
“I don’t know, and quite frankly, I don’t—”
“NOW!”
The lights came on, blinding the gamer ponies, and something pinned them to the ground, something strong, VERY strong. As Pewdie’s vision cleared, he saw two eyes, both green as green apples, amidst a crimson face dotted with white specks. And the face was angry, or rather, the pony whose face Pewdie was seeing was angry.
“Hold ‘em down, Big Macintosh! Don’t let ‘em outta yer grip!”
“I got it, AJ!”
“Wait!” Pewdie cried, struggling against the giant red pony that was pinning him to the floor. “AJ? You’re Applejack!”
“What the—oh my gosh, it’s that Pewdie guy! Big Mac, let ‘im go! Both of ‘em!”
The weight lifted from Pewdie’s chest, and he and Cry slowly got up, inhaling deeply. In front of them stood the two Apple siblings, and as Pewdie tried to catch his breath, Applejack stepped forward.
“Now what in tarnation are y’all doin’ here?”
“We should ask you the same question.”
“Well I dunno how we got here. Big Macintosh and I were headin’ back t’ Ponyville when all of a sudden, we appear in this dang house! We’ve been trapped in this room ever since!”
“Eeyup.”
“Well, first off, this is Cry. He’s a friend.”
“Sup.”
“Second, we got your friends Rainbow Dash and Twilight. But they—”
“Twi and Rainbow?! Oh, thank Celestia!”
“Yeah, but there might be a problem. Ao Oni was chasing them down the other hall, last I saw.”
“Ow what?”
“He’s talkin’ bout that demon thing, Big Mac,” Applejack answered. She looked at Pewdie. “You’re talkin’ bout that demon thing, right?”
Pewdie nodded. “We’ve gotta get out of here and rescue your princess. Otherwise we’re all gonna die.”
Big Macintosh stepped forward, a determined look on his face. “Ain’t nopony gonna touch my sister wrong an’ get away with it.”
“This guy might just,” Cry replied, peeking out the door. “Coast is clear. We should go and find them.”
“Alright.” Pewdie turned to the siblings. “Stay quiet. We’ll find them and get out of here.”
“Okay. Got it.”
“Eeyup.”
They quietly entered the hallway. There was no sign of either the demon or the ponies. Pewdie took a step forward.
Suddenly…
Purple demon.
“GAAH! SHIT!”
Ao Oni came after them, its expression never wavering, its pace never slowing or quickening. But then…
“EAT THIS!”
From a side room popped out Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, tackling the giant demon and smashing him to the ground—and through it. The floor crumbled, and soon a chain reaction started as the whole mansion began to collapse around them. Pewdie looked at Cry, whose blank expression still dominated his face, and fell as the floor gave way, plunging them into an abyss of darkness.
* * *
“Owww…my wings…”
“Owww…my asshole…”
“WAKE UP, PONIES!!”
“GAH!” Everypony awoke to the thunderous voice, and they found themselves in a dark void, similar to the one they had been in before entering the Cry of Fear level. But now, a computer floated in midair, and on the screen was—
“Princess Luna!” Twilight proclaimed. “Are you alright?”
“I am fine, Twilight Sparkle, but I have been trying to wake you for hours now!”
“No duh,” Pewdie said as he helped Cry to his hooves. “Have you seen anything out of the ordinary?”
“No,” Luna replied, but then scrunched up her face and said, “Wait, possibly. Would a talking porcelain bowl with water be considered out of the ordinary in your world, sir Pewdie?”
“Oh, the talking toilet. Huh. Wait, you know I’m a human?”
“Hours upon hours isolated in darkness have given me time to think. Something about you and that other pony didn’t seem quite…well, quite pony. You must be human.”
“She’s right!” Twilight exclaimed. “You’re right, Princess! Pewdie is human!”
“Okay, great, you know I’m human. Now Luna, it’s very important that you answer this question. Where are you?”
The blue alicorn sighed. “I do not know, sir Pewdie Pie. I have been wandering this facility for hours, but I have not found an exit. I did stumble across this room and this strange device which is allowing us to communicate.”
“It’s called a computer.”
“It matters not. What matters is that you are all safe. Where are you, Twilight Sparkle?”
“We don’t know, Princess. This is the same place we were in the last time we talked to you.”
“I see. We were rudely cut off then. Hopefully the same thing will not happen tw—”
Suddenly…
Slendermane.
“HOLY FUCK IN A BUCKET! SLENDY!”
The computer screen fizzled and distorted, and the pony with the black suit, red tie, and featureless face stared at them. Soon the interference from the computer began to fill the entire void, as if they were inside a camera that was about to break. Slendermane didn’t move. Neither did the other ponies.
And the world shattered.
* * *
“…experiencing multiple Keter and Euclid containment breaches. Full-site lockdown initiated. Repeat, full-site lockdown initiated. Code black, repeat, code black. NCD is armed and online. Repeat. NCD is armed and online.”
The sound of a loud, obnoxious alarm, coupled with the muffled noises of gunfire and explosions, finally woke Pewdie and the other ponies. Applejack shook her head.
“What the heck was that? What are those noises?!”
“Breach detected in Sector Alpha, chamber A-1. SCP-173 has escaped. Breach detected in Sector Foxtrot, chamber F-9. SCP-953 has escaped. Breach detected in Sector—”
Static interrupted the intercom announcer’s warning, and then the intercom went dead. The ponies found themselves in a dark office that looked as if it had just been evacuated, and in a hurry. Pewdie shook off the dregs of his fall and headed for the door, only to find that it wouldn’t budge.
“The fuck? What, do I need a key card?”
“Pewdie, where are we?”
“This is the last stage, Rainbow Dash. This is the SCP facility. I know what we have to face here, and I really don’t want to face it. But we have to. Now if I can just get this GODDAMN DOOR OPEN!”
“It’s sealed, Pewds,” Cry said, pointing to a sign on the wall. “Look…‘In the event of a containment breach, all doors to the offices in Sector Alpha will be hermetically sealed until the all-clear has been given.’”
“So we’re stuck here?” Big Macintosh said. “Hang on, lemme see if I can open this door.”
But even the strongest Apple family member couldn’t make a dent in the steel door, and the windows surrounding the small office had been reinforced. They weren’t getting out of there anytime soon.
“…Twi…Pewdie…please sompony…come in…”
“What the—” Pewdie turned up the volume on his headset. “Princess Luna?”
“Yes! Yes, sir Pewdie! Where are you?”
“In some kind of office. I’ve got the other ponies in here. We’re stuck here until this thing is over, which I doubt will be anytime soon. Where are…” But he trailed off as a television in the office corner came to life, showing a CCTV feed of a corrugated hallway, in which a beautiful blue alicorn was talking into a headset.
“Princess!” Pewdie called. “I can see you! There’s a camera behind you!”
She turned and looked and, seeing the camera, waved. “What a relief. What happened do you all?”
“We got attacked by some pony in a suit,” Rainbow Dash said as Pewdie put the mike on the nearest table, so that all could talk to the Princess.
“Did you get all that about a containment breach?”
“Yes, your Majesty,” Cry said. “It looks like something may have triggered all these things to escape their confines, or whatever. You have to be careful!”
“Indeed, stranger, I do. Pray tell, sir Pewdie, what other parts of this facility can you see through this camera of yours?”
“Hmm…hang on,” Pewdie said, searching for a knob or a switch on the TV. He felt a small compartment underneath the device and pulled it out, finding a control pad and a joystick. At the flick of the stick, the camera changed from one view to a dozen, giving Pewdie eyes all over the facility.
“Okay, Princess, I can see all over the place. Now we gotta get you here, or we’re all gonna die. Just putting that out there.”
“Very well.” The princess nodded onscreen. “Guide me and I shall find you.”
“Alright, here goes.” Pewdie concentrated as Cry kept the other ponies back. “According to this you’re in some kind of hallway dividing Sectors Bravo and Charlie. Hold on a sec.”
He brought up the camera feed from Sector Bravo. There were no monsters in sight, but a flashing line of text at the bottom of the screen read ‘WARNING – EUCLID BREACH.’
“Princess, there’s something in that sector that I can’t see. Be careful.”
“I will, sir Pewdie.” With that, the princess of the night moved through the drab hallways on her way to Sector Alpha, with Pewdie following her every move on camera.
“Can you use your magic to help get around, Princess?” Twilight asked.
Luna stopped and looked at the camera. “I can certainly try, can’t I?” She smiled, and Twilight smiled too, even though she knew that the princess couldn’t see her.
“Don’t worry, Princess. You’ll be okay.”
“Please, Twilight Sparkle. All of you. Call me Luna.”
“Oh, okay…Luna.” Twilight smiled again.
“Well, Luna, you’re coming up on Sector Bravo,” Pewdie said, scanning the feeds. “I’m not picking up anything, but you gotta watch out. SCP-173—he’s a bastard.”
“He?” Big Macintosh inquired.
Pewdie nodded. “I called him Mr. Sexybutt, back in my vid—er, before all this happened. He’s the peanut man Piggeh talked about way back.”
“What’s so scary ‘bout him?” Big Mac said, looking determined.
“He’ll snap your neck as soon as you look away from him,” Pewdie answered, shriveling up the look on the red stallion’s face. “As long as someone’s got eyes on him, he can’t move. But when you look away…”
He trailed off. It didn’t need to be said again.
* * *
Hours passed in silence, broken only by the occasional words of guidance by Pewdie to Luna. As it turned out, navigating a pony princess through a top-secret facility overrun with various lethal paranormal creatures was much harder than he thought it was going to be. But before long, the princess was out of Sector Bravo and on her way to meet her rescuers.
Applejack looked up, weary from lack of sleep, but what she saw in the window send chills up her spine.
“Uh…Pewdie?”
“Yes, Applejack?”
“That monster you were talkin’ about…Mister Sexybutt, or whatever his name was…what does he look like, exactly?”
“He’s about seven feet tall and looks like a giant stone statue,” Pewdie said indifferently, his eyes trained on the computer screen. “He’s got a bunch of red and green shit on his face and he’s kinda cream-colored. Why?”
“Well, erm…a giant, cream-colored stone statue is lookin’ at me through the window.”
Pewdie’s heart froze in mid-beat. His eyes went wide as his focus slid away from the CCTV feed. Onscreen, Luna was at a doorway, waiting for instructions.
“Pewdie? Sir Pewdie? Do you come in? Where do I go now?”
“Luna, you’re going to have to sit tight for a moment. We’ve got a little bit of a situation here.”
And he turned around.
There it was, the scariest monster he’d ever encountered in a video game, in the flesh…or stone, as it were. Standing there, its arms outstretched, eager to snap their necks.
“Shit, shit, shitty shit shit. Okay, okay…he can’t get in here.” Pewdie looked from the door to Sexybutt and back to the door. “We’re sealed in here for now. He can’t get in.”
All of a sudden, the statue was closer to Pewdie, as if it wanted him, and badly.
“Gah! Luna, Luna! Come in!”
“Yes, sir Pewdie? What is it?”
“Mr. Sexybutt—I mean, SCP-173 is in our vicinity! He’s right outside our room! Do NOT come any closer!”
“What is this SCP-173?”
“He’s a very dangerous monster that can’t move while you look at it, but will kill you as soon as you blink. I don’t have a clue where you are right now, so proceed through that door and wait, okay?”
“Very well. I shall do so.” And so the headset-wearing princess did, placing her hoof on the button and opening the door.
And at the same time, a door at the far end of the hall outside the office opened, and through it stepped Princess Luna, looking thoroughly frightened with widened eyes and an unkempt mane.
“Oh, SHITDICKS!” Pewdie yelled. “PRINCESS LUNA! LOOK AT THE STATUE! LOOK AT THE FACKING STATUE!”
“What? What sta—”
She saw it and shut up. Sexybutt was still facing Pewdie, but it knew Luna was there. At the first opportunity it would have its stone arms around her throat.
“Okay, okay, okay, let’s see, let’s see, oh fuckin’ penis, this is bad. NOBODY BLINK! DON’T STOP LOOKING AT SEXYBUTT! Luna, you have to get in here now!”
“But you said the door was sealed! How am I supposed to get in?”
“There’s got to be an override here somewhere,” Pewdie said, searching the office frantically.
“Anythin’ we can do t’help?” Big Macintosh said, his stare never wavering from the statue.
“NO! Don’t stop looking at the statue! If all of you blink or turn away, Luna is a dead man! Or dead pony! Whichever you fucking prefer!”
“Pewds! I think I found an override switch!”
Pewdie headed over to Cry and saw what the odd-faced gamer pony had found. It was indeed an override switch, and without hesitation, Pewdie punched it.
The lights went out.
“FUCK! EVERYBODY WATCH OUT!”
The lights were only off for about a second, but in that second, the door had opened, Pewdie had shat on the floor, and SCP-173 had managed to get its stony arms around Luna’s neck.
“NO!” Twilight screamed. “PRINCESS!”
“…guh…help…”
“Don’t stop looking at him! DON’T FUCKING STOP LOOKING AT HIM! We need to get her out of there! C’mon, think, Pewdie, think…”
“Oh my good gravy, Princess Luna! She cain’t die! That stupid statue! Big Macintosh, hit it!”
“You got it, sis!”
“No! Don’t do anything! Breaking eye contact for even a second will kill Luna.”
“Then what are we going to do?” Rainbow Dash yelled.
Pewdie paced around the room, thinking at top speed. Luna continued to gurgle. Twilight and Applejack were shaking, trying not to blink as they stared at the statue.
“I GOT IT!” Pewdie screamed suddenly. “Cry, you don’t blink! Look at the statue and don’t look away!”
“Hey, yeah! You got it, Pewdie!” Cry bounded out of the office into the hallway and set his thousand-yard stare upon Sexybutt.
“Just to be safe, someone else needs to be looking at him at all times! Alright, what can we do? What can we facking do?”
Twilight blinked tears from her eyes and ran up to the princess. “Oh, Princess Luna. How do we get you out of here?”
“You…must…blast this…infernal…thing…”
“Hey, there’s an idea! Twilight, do you have enough magic to destroy that thing?”
“Whoa, whoa,” Pewdie said, interrupting Rainbow Dash. “I don’t think this shithead can be destroyed.”
“Well, we’ve gotta try,” Twilight said indignantly. “Stand back, everypony. Mister Cry, keep your gaze upon the statue. I’m gonna blow it to pieces.”
And so Twilight readied herself and called forth the magic in her body, summoning it to the tip of her horn. A purple orb of light coalesced at the top of her horn and grew larger and brighter by the second. Soon the orb was bigger than Twilight and was bright enough to blind everypony. Pewdie screamed.
“RELEASE IT, TWILIGHT SPARKLE! KILL THAT SON OF A BARREL!”
And so she did.
KA-BOOOM!
Pieces of SCP went flying everywhere, lodging in the windows and walls, barely missing ponies, and even pockmarking the far doors. As the smoke cleared, Princess Luna came into view, coughing and shaking, but alive. What remained of SCP-173 lay all around them, never to snap necks, break desks, or scare Swedes again.
“Princess!”
Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Big Macintosh, and Twilight all converged on the alicorn of the night, hugging her and comforting her. She smiled warmly.
“Thank you, Twilight. Thank you all. You have saved my life.”
“We’re not out of this yet, Princess,” Pewdie said, coming into view.
“He’s right,” Cry affirmed. “This ain’t over.”
“But, sir Pewdie!”
“Just Pewdie, please.”
“Very well. Pewdie, that monster has been defeated! Surely we can just exit this facility and return to Equestria?”
“SCP-173 isn’t the only thing floating around here. If I’m correct, then SCP-106 could pop up at any moment, and he’s far more dangerous than Sexybutt.”
“How so?”
“He can go through walls and floors.”
Luna’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. “Then we must make haste.”
“Yeah. I guess.”
“Alright, everypony,” Luna said, getting up. “We will follow Pewdie as he shows us the way out of this infernal facility. Onward!”
Pewdie looked awfully sheepish. “Er, yeah. Onward.”
* * *
Seventeen hours without food, water, sleep, or proper disposal of waste matter had left the ponies ragged and unkempt. Even Luna, for all her Canterlot style, looked like she had been rolled around in the trash heaps. Yet they kept going, corridor after corridor, door after door. It never ended. The SCP facility was a giant maze, and lethal creatures were lurking everywhere. At one point, Pewdie looked through a window and swore he saw two dudes dancing in a llama suit, but when he looked back, there was nothing but blackness. They kept going, though, despite their fears, despite their setbacks.
And finally, they came to a door that was not like the others. It did not bear the circle-and-arrow symbol of the SCP foundation. Rather, it was a wooden door with an iron latch, the kind Pewdie had so often opened while playing Amnesia. He breathed.
“This must be it.”
“How can you be certain?” Luna asked, looking around.
“This door is different from the rest. There’s got to be something behind it. C’mon.”
“Are you absolutely sure, Pewdie?” Rainbow Dash said. “Because I don’t wanna fall into a trap.”
“Me neither.”
“Most certainly not me either.”
“Nnnope.”
“Look, guys, Pewdie’s got this, okay?” Cry said, looking at them all with that blank stare of his. “I trust him. He’s gotten you all this far, hasn’t he? He’ll know what to do.”
“Thanks for that, Cry,” Pewdie said, smiling. But as the ponies jabbered on, Pewdie pulled Cry aside.
“You know I have no fucking idea what I’m doing, right?”
“Yeah. But they don’t.”
Pewdie rolled his eyes, gulped, and opened the door.
It opened up into the largest room Pewdie had ever seen. You could have fit five football stadiums in the room and still have room left over for a couple of skyscrapers. It was beyond huge. And it was practically featureless. Made from white marble, the walls and floors formed a lattice of black and white lines all around them. The only light came from a spotlight that illuminated a large throne facing away from the group of ponies. Other than that, there was nothing in the gigantic void.
“Hello?!” Pewdie called, hearing his voice echo many times over. “Anyone here?!”
“Hello, Pewdie.”
The voice sent shivers up and down Pewdie’s spine, and the hairs on his mane and coat stood on end. It came from the throne. Pewdie gulped.
“Who the fuck are you?!”
“I’m your worst nightmare, PewDiePie.”
“UberHaxorNova?”
“Shut up, Cry!”
“Your attempt at humor will not save you from your demise, Felix Kjellberg and friends. For here, and now, you die.”
More lights popped up, each illuminating a different part of the floor. In every light there stood one of Pewdie’s greatest enemies. Ao Oni. Slenderman, or Slendermane, in this case. The Bro, many Bros, in fact. The face from Cry of Fear. The untrustworthy statues. A sixth spot lay empty, and Pewdie assumed that was where Sexybutt would have been if here weren’t lying in pieces back at the SCP facility. Behind them, spotlights lit up his lesser known foes. Ruben’s Mom, Ruben himself, Fatty Marshmallow Girl from Calling, Jeremy the Haunted Doll, and dozens and dozens of Teleporting Naked Guys.
“Are you not afraid, PewDiePie?” the voice from the throne said. “Do you not shiver at the thought of failing in front of all of your rivals? Do you quake at the prospect of Ruben’s Mom tearing you and your friends to pieces, or perhaps allowing Mister Slender to do…well, whatever the hell he does with his victims?”
“Show yourself, you fuck!”
“It’d be my pleasure.”
The Bro shuffled towards the throne and began to turn it around. As the person seated in the throne came into view, Pewdie’s eyes widened, his jaw dropped, and his bowels evacuated yet again.
“No…King Barrel…”
For it was the almighty King Barrel, who was (obviously) king of all barrels. He rose from his throne, a monster made of barrels. Upon his barrel head he wore a crown, and on his barrel face he wore shades and a fake mustache. His barrel chest was strapped together with what looked like duct tape, and he stood ten feet high on his barrel legs and feet.
Did I mention he was made of barrels?
“FUCKING BARRELS!!!”
“Yes, Pewdie,” King Barrel sneered. “It is I, He who leads a coalition of your most hated foes, come to destroy you and all of Equestria for good!”
“Wait, what? What do you want with Equestria?!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “We never did anything to you!”
“Rainbow, you realize you’re talking to a barrel monster?”
“I know, Twilight.”
“Idiot pegasus!” the barrel man roared. “Then again, you are all uninformed. So I will grant you the pleasure of being educated before you die.”
He cleared his throat. “I come not from PewDiePie’s imagination, but from a magical place called Memeworld. In Memeworld, we existed as staples of outlandish human culture, called upon and hailed as heroes, as humor gods, for the newest generation of mankind! To think, back in the day, when I was but a mere branch growing on a digital tree, people still thought the Numa Numa was relevant to their interests! Memeworld transformed in the years that followed, fluctuating with every new development in pop culture. When Barack Obama took office, the ‘Not Bad’ meme was born. When we found out about the Asians, we got ‘Impossibru’ and ‘dafuq’! Life was easy!
“And then you, you ponies, showed up. You showed up and you plunged Memeworld into chaos. Trolls trolling trolls, brony sites popping up all over the internet, and EVERY MEME IN THE UNIVERSE WAS PONIFIED! They even made an addendum to the rules of the internet! If it exists, there is a ponified version of it! It disgusted me for every day that it went on, and I plotted my revenge against the ponies, against those who had destroyed the balance of Memeworld.”
“I have no idea what you are talking about, large wooden monster,” Princess Luna began, “but if you could see fit as to—”
“SHUT UP! PISS OFF, YOU BLOODY PONIES!”
“Since when did barrels start quoting TF2, Pewds?”
“I dunno, Cry. Nothing makes sense anymore.”
“And now, I have you where I want you,” King Barrel sneered. “Killing Pewdie is only an aside to my grand scheme. Soon, all of Equestria will cease to exist, and balance to Memeworld will be restored!”
“Yer nuts!” Big Macintosh yelled. “You ain’t even s’posed t’be alive!”
“Well I am, Big Macintosh, and you will not be for long.”
King Barrel stepped forward. “You cannot win against us, Pewdie. Surrender and I will make your death less painful.”
Pewdie’s eyes narrowed. Steam burst from his nostrils. “I think we’re going to kick your ass, King Barrel!”
“Oh really? I have an army!”
“I have ponies!”
“Your point?”
“I’ve beaten you all!” Pewdie screamed, readying himself. “I’ve beaten you!”
“Not Slendy,” King Barrel sneered. “And Sexybutt? Do not for a moment consider him defeated. He’s still around here…somewhere. You cannot defeat me!”
“Maybe not alone,” Pewdie answered, “but my time in Equestria has really taught me a lesson. Keep your friends close and your enemies in your line of fire. My time with these ponies gave me friends, companions, invaluable assets in my quest to defeat you, and I could not have gotten here without them!”
Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Big Macintosh all looked at the Swedish pony with dawning praise.
“In the past few hours I’ve learned more about myself than I’ve ever learned in my entire life,” Pewdie went on. “I learned that not everything I say has to be toilet or sexual humor-related. I learned that I CAN make friends with these ponies, and that together, we are a team, an iron wall that cannot be broken!”
“Interesting analogy,” the barrel monster said. “Iron walls have fallen before. They can fall again.”
“Not this time, King Barrel,” Rainbow Dash piped up. “We owe Pewdie our lives. If it weren’t for him and everything he’s done, we’d never have gotten this far! And now, with him at our front, we’re going to defeat you!”
“Oh, how droll! This machismo is quite unnecessary. You are all going to die, here and now. It’s as simple as that.”
“Then bring it on, barrel bitch,” Pewdie snarled, as he and the other ponies readied themselves.
King Barrel smiled. “As you wish. Kill them all!”
Pewdie’s greatest foes charged across the enormous room. Only as they approached did he get the sense that perhaps the barrel monster was right. There were only seven of them, going up against some of the greatest and scariest foes of all time. He breathed. It had been a good run, and he had meant every word of what he had said. His eyes caught Twilight Sparkle’s, and he smiled.
“Twilight…it’s been a pleasure knowing you.”
The unicorn smiled in return. “You as well, Pewdie Pie.”
They braced for the end, braced for the wall of horror that closed in on them.
Suddenly…
“STEPHANO?!”
“Elloz, Pewdie! Don’t worry, I am ‘ere to save jou!”
And it was Stephano, emerging from a bright white hole in the ceiling. The golden pony rode aboard red, Christmasy sleigh that was pulled by leather-harnessed men in horse masks, and at the sight of this Pewdie assumed what is commonly known as a WTFF (What the Fuck Face). Behind Stephano came an incredible army of every ally that had ever aided the Swede in battle. There was Piggeh, flanked by an army of Piggehs, each holding Pipé from Condemned. After them came dozens and dozens of human Stephanos, wielding golden swords and yelling French curse words.
“What is this?!” King Barrel yelled as a battalion of Vespas made its way down from the ceiling. Pewdie sneered.
“Deus ex Stephano, motherfucker.”
After the Vespas came hundreds of Irresponsible Dads, and every dad had a katana. Each dad’s child bounced in his bike seat, pleading with his father not to go on, their pleas falling on deaf ears. Right behind them were the thousands upon thousands of chairs, yelling and falling through the darkened sky. Then came the Equestrian elements: dragons, minotaurs, and manticores, all on the heels of Pewdie’s allies and all ready to go to war. Finally, as Pewdie gazed in absolute awe, one billion human fists descended from the bright hole in the ceiling, morphing together to create a giant fist-man, equal in size to King Barrel. At last the hole in the ceiling closed and Pewdie’s army grouped together and prepared for battle.
Pewdie’s enemies halted, unsure of what to do next. King Barrel laughed.
“Even your vast numbers are no match for my power! Your man of fists will fall to my wood!”
“You seem to like men and wood!” Pewdie retorted.
“Petty insults do not grant you courage. Die now among your friends. Come at me, bro. Make the first charge! Titillate me with your pathetic army!”
Pewdie was no longer listening to the King. Stephano had trotted up alongside him and now laid his hoof on Pewdie’s back, comforting him, encouraging him. The horse-masked bondage slaves whinnied. Grunts and snarls escaped the massive army that had assembled. Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Cry all gathered around Pewdie, only to watch in confusion as the Swedish pony walked forward, separating himself from his army. The stale air of the giant room was nonetheless comforting on his mane. Every pony, man, and creature anticipated his next words.
He turned around.
“For Sparta,” he uttered. And with that, he galloped toward the enemy, with his army on his heels.
The battle had begun.
* * *
Stephano kept his human ponies out of the line of fire, but every other soldier in Pewdie’s army was in the fray. The many human Stephanos set about taking on the sudden surge of Ruben’s Moms. Indeed, King Barrel seemed to have been frightened by the sheer force that Stephano had brought back from God-knows-where. So came many Bros, many Ruben’s Moms, many Rubens, and many barrels. So many barrels. Barrels with swords, barrels with spears. Barrels that rode on top of other barrels. Barrels.
Slendermane and Ao Oni were going to town on the Irresponsible Dads, and soon half of the helmeted fathers were gone or dismembered. Some of them had even become mobile fountain triangles, bleeding out of every orifice. Meanwhile, the Stephanos were kicking the Bros’ asses. Every swing of a golden sword lopped off another deformed head or gutted a heartless monster through the penis (or vagina. It’s kinda hard to tell what gender they are, isn’t it? I mean, they have flat boobs, and they’re very temperamental. Maybe they’re hermaphrodites. I have no idea. Oh shit, I’m breaking the fourth wall. Damn it, Pinkie!) A minotaur was using a Ruben’s Mom to cut down the untrustworthy statues as the dragons went to town on the Cry of Fear face. Throughout it all, King Barrel stood by his Barrel Guard, flanked on either side by regiments of Barrel Phalanxes, the foulest of all barrels. If there was a hell for barrels, it had spat these cylindrical wooden spawns of Satan right back out. No. Satan wouldn’t want anything to do with these foul, loathsome, despicable…
“BARRELS!!!” Pewdie screamed, breaking barrel after barrel until there was more hard wood around him than that time he accidentally walked into that gay bar in Stockholm. (Right now you’re thinking, really Brex? A gay joke? GOD DAMN IT, fourth wall again.)
Suddenly…
Old joke.
In a matter of minutes the combined power of Slendermane and Ao Oni left all of the dads and their children in pieces, literally. But before they could rejoin the battle, the sun turned black, and it became night. Pewdie looked back to see Luna’s horn glowing.
“DARKNESS IS OUR STRENGTH, THOU HORRID BEAST!” she roared. “THY FORCES SHALL BE DESTROYED BY OUR MIGHT!”
“Who the fuck is this bitch?” King Barrel yelled. “Kill her!”
No sooner did the barrel monster utter these words than did Luna unleash a black fireball from her horn, tearing apart the army of Ruben’s Moms and Bros. Slendy and Ao Oni also took the full force of the blast, disappearing in a flash of black light. Meanwhile, the dragons had pulled out the giant face’s eyeballs and the fist-man had finished off the last of the Teleporting Naked Guys. The Piggeh army had converged on the ghost girl from Calling, rendering her corporeal and beating the everlasting shit out of her fat ass. And through it all, Luna and eventually Twilight blasted away enemy after enemy, and Pewdie fought alongside his friends, human, pony, and all others, as the enemy army crumbled.
Pewdie smashed the head of Jeremy the Haunted Doll with his hoof. They had suffered many losses. Dozens of Dads, Vespas, Piggehs, Stephanos, and Equestrian creatures lay dead or dying in the darkened plain of stone. But the enemy suffered even worse. King Barrel stood above the remains of his army, knee-deep in blood and body parts.
“No…” he uttered. “NO! This cannot be! I am not defeated!”
“Suck it up, bitch!” Pewdie yelled triumphantly. “You’ve lost, and you know it. Luna, finish him off!”
She obliged, and the rest of his army watched in glee as she readied her magic, closing her eyes and concentrating. Pewdie was finally content, so content that he didn’t see the sword that King Barrel had picked up from a dead Stephano, not until it was flying through the air on a collision course with the dark-skinned alicorn.
He made a decision.
It happened in slow motion. Literally. The sword sliced through the air like a bullet, eager to slice through Luna’s flesh. Pewdie flew as fast as it did, throwing himself in the sword’s path just before it met the alicorn.
Golden steel met pony flesh.
“PEWDIE! NOOO!!!”
He fell to the ground, the sword embedded in his belly, blood pouring forth like water from a broken fire hydrant. Luna, too focused to notice, finally opened her eyes and saw not Pewdie, but King Barrel. Her target.
The barrel monster laughed. “Ha! I have defeated him! At long last, I have killed the great Pewd—”
BAZAAM!
Luna’s magic bolt ripped through the air and slammed into King Barrel, disintegrating him almost immediately. The blast was so powerful it melted the stone on which they stood, melted it until the floor began to collapse. Suddenly the entire room was collapsing as the king of the barrels writhed and burned from the alicorn’s magic. The ceiling fell, the floor disappeared, and every pony, human, and creature found itself falling through eternal darkness.
* * *
…and then sunlight. Bright. Beautiful. They were out.
“Uhhh…” Twilight moaned, rubbing her head as she woke. “Wuh?”
“Uhm, Twilight?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Did we win?”
“Win? What are you talking abou—”
And it came back to her. “The battle! The monster! And…oh, Celestia! PEWDIE!”
She looked around frantically, searching for the Swedish gamer, but all she saw were her compatriots, the many minotaurs and dragons and Piggehs and such that had helped to fell the evil barrel king and his forces. She saw Stephano, the real, ponified one, and Piggeh, helping the golden French stallion to his hooves; Applejack and Big Macintosh, the latter allowing his sister to nurse a wound on his flank; Princess Luna, still unconscious but otherwise alright, no doubt exhausted from her magical outburst; but no Pewdie.
They were in the fields outside the Everfree Forest, the place where they had begun their incredible journey. The sun was shining bright, and out of the corner of Twilight’s eye, something shimmered, something golden and curved…
“PEWDIEPIE!”
She and Rainbow Dash raced over to the sword sticking up from the ground, only to find a blond-maned stallion covered in blood and coughing, his eyes wide with fear.
“Oh no, oh no, Pewdie. You’ve been hurt!”
“Way to…state the obvious…dumbass…” Pewdie moaned, blood dripping from his mouth with every syllable he spoke.
“I’ll go get help!” Rainbow Dash said, but Pewdie managed to grab her wing before she took off.
“No…I’m done for…”
“What has happened?” Princess Luna asked as she tiredly approached the group. “What is…oh, no. Sir Pewdie.”
“He took that sword for you, your Majesty,” Rainbow Dash said sadly. “He saved your life.”
“Sir Pewdie…such an act of valor, of selflessness…” Luna began to tear up. “…can only come from a pony of true courage, true heart.”
Pewdie forced a smile. “Thank you…Princess…I’ve learned a lot…about myself…today.”
“Pewdie!”
Stephano and Piggeh rushed up to the ponies as Applejack and Big Macintosh held back.
“Oh no, Pewdie. Why did jou let zis ‘appen?”
“Yeah, man, what gives?! This is not cool! You can’t die!”
“Pewdie…”
The Swede looked into the Frenchman’s eyes. “Stephano…that barrel would have…killed Luna. It was the…only way…”
Luna’s tears fell upon Pewdie’s wounds, mixing with the stallion’s blood.
“My heart breaks to see you like this, sir Pewdie,” she said. “I fear that if I pull that blade out, you may die.”
“I’m going to…die anyway…”
“No! Don’t say zat, Pewdie!”
“But Stephano…you said…it was all a game…”
A lone tear brimmed in Stephano’s eye. “Pewdie…a game is a game. But I am your friend. I cannot bear to see you like this.”
“AGGH!” Pewdie screamed. “Oh, shit…the pain…”
“No, Pewdie!”
“Oh no. Oh, man.”
“Sir Pewdie! Is there anything we can do?!”
Pewdie hocked up a wad of blood and spit and sighed.
“Let me die knowing that…I saved you…that for once I…put aside my fears and…biases…to help those in need…”
Twilight smiled sadly. “You saved Equestria, Pewdie Pie. You’re a hero.”
The Swedish pony laughed somberly. “I’m no hero. I’m just…a Swede who likes…video games…”
Stephano sniffled. “Pewdie…it ‘as been an ‘onor serving with jou.”
“Likewise, friend. And Piggeh…”
“Yeah, buddy?”
He tried to sit up but only winced in pain and lay back down. “You’re my friend…too. Even if…you are a…sex-crazed pig.”
“It’s what I do, Pewdster.”
Pewdie could feel the life draining from his body. His hooves had gone numb. Blackness surrounded his vision. He didn’t have long.
“All of you…” he whispered. “All of you…ponies…thank you. Thank you for…for…showing me…the magic of….friendship…”
Twilight and Rainbow Dash let loose their tears as Luna spoke with hiccups in her voice.
“Yea, though the sun shines on this day, the air is bitter cold. Good night, sweet pony. And flights of pegasi sing thee to thy rest.”
Pewdiepie laughed one last time, then closed his eyes forever.
* * *
“…wwwhhhOOOAAAA!” BABAAM!
A sweaty, bug-eyed man slammed into an office chair so hard he sent it flying back into the wall of his apartment. The man tumbled to the ground and nearly smacked his head against the side of his desk.
Felix Kjellberg was home.
He looked around, catching sight of his hands, his human hands. He felt his human nose, rubbed his human chest, and even gave his human sausage a little jerk just to make sure he still wasn’t dreaming.
He was home.
“YES!” he yelled, practically jumping up and down with joy. “Ah, fack, I can’t believe I’m—”
BEEP.
The noise came from his computer. Quickly reassessing his situation, Pewdie checked the clock. If he remembered correctly the time he had left the human world, then no time at all had passed since he’d been gone. The lights of Göteberg still shimmered outside his window. Maya was still asleep. Nothing had changed.
Except he had a new email, a message from an unknown sender. His mind still roiling, Pewdie opened it, not even realizing that his Amnesia window had been exited out of. The message opened up with a small notification noise, and Pewdie began to read.
Elloz, Pewdie.
Bet you had one hell of a ride, didn’t you? I was not lying when I said to be prepared for the ride of your life. I can tell that even now, you are confused. You are unsure of whether or not what you experienced was a dream or was reality. I can assure you, good sir, that it was no dream.
I didn’t realize what an amazing test subject you would turn out to be. Quite possibly the best human guinea pig I’ve ever used. You performed the tests perfectly and assured 100% success. I am very proud of you, Pewdie. Or would you like me to call you Felix? Either way, it does not matter.
You have many questions, and I have many answers. Everything shall be explained, but only if you find me. Everything will come to light, but only if you journey into the dark. As a man once said, the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek. And I know you seek the truth as to what has transpired tonight.
Find me, and your questions shall be answered.
Until then, stay gold, pony boy.
—S
Pewdie had no idea who or what S was, but at the moment, he didn’t care. He didn’t even read most of the email. He got to about the fifth line before he sent it to the trash and leaned back in his chair, taking in a deep breath. He needed a nap. He needed a good night’s sleep.
But first, he needed to tell the bros.
So he set up his camera and started recording, and he smiled for the millions of YouTubers that would soon see this video.
“Heh, how’s it goin’, bros? My name, is PeeewDiePie, and you are not going to believe what the fuck I just went through…”
FIN
