Twilight the Cougar- Or, How Twilight learned the joy of wife-husbandry

by The Cowardly Christian

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Adventure, Science Fiction, Violence, Crossover, Death, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Gravity Falls, Drama, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2507

Twilight was given a peek of the future...and she saw that she would be wed to the most handsome, most powerful, most wonderful alicorn male who would save everyone! Only one problem...he's curently an underage minor, earth pony named Dipper Pines...

'Magical Mystery cure' AU! Twilight was given a peek of the future...and she saw that she would be one day wed to the most handsome, most powerful, and most wonderful alicorn male! More importantly, he'd be the one to save all Equestria from an upcoming calamity!

Only one problem...he's currently an underage minor of an earth pony named Dipper Pines...

...well, look on the bright side Twilight. Who else can say they had the...'privilege' of raising their husband?

Published 2019-04-17 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-17 00:40:01 UTC

One small change...

Twilight the Cougar- Or, How Twilight learned the joy of wife-husbandry

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

Twilight whistled to herself as she reorganized her books for the seventh time while Spike took a seven hour bubble bath...it was then that she noticed that she got a special delivery from Princess Celestia...although she wanted to see what it was immediately, she hadn't finished putting the 'experimental' magic books back where they belonged. All the really dangerous one's were already sealed back inside the null-field book case where their magic was sealed, so it wouldn't be the worse thing to leave the lower tier books lying around for a few minutes longer...but still...it could be dangerous...

In the universe WE know, Twilight decides to take her time, give into her OCD impulses and put away all the books, THEN read Starswirls spell, leading to the fiasco/celebration we all know and life goes on as usual...

...this is not that universe...

"Whatever the Princess sent needs to take priority!" Decided Twilight as she left the books on the table and went to Celestia's package.

And so she hastily stacked the three remaining magic tomes0- '37 more ways to see the future 'au naturale', Quantum physics for dimwits and The Birds and THE DEUS EX MACHINA -on top each other and ran to get Celestia's package-

She was halfway their, before the tomes- their unstable magic having been activated and mixed together when thrown on the table together -activated and changed the world forever.

ZAP!

...

Twilight groaned as she lay sprawled on the floor, "What- What just happened I- Twilight blinked...she was no longer in her tree...it was a city! A city of golden skyscrapers! The skies filled with gem-encrusted flying high-tech chariots!

Twilight gaped, "I- wha- What?!" She exclaimed in disbelief! Suddenly she was run into by a little filly...dressed as twilight!?

"Hey! Nice Princess Twilight costume!...but you forgot her wings!" Exclaimed the filly before she ran off-

"I- Wha- Wings?! Princess!? Wait, come back! What do you mean!? Where am I?!" She chases after her...and is stunned to soon find herself in a large festival...where everyone is dressed like her!? Everyone had balloons shaped like her?! Wha- Was that cupcake made to look like her face!?

Twilight could feel herself going faint...it was all too much!

And then the bugle blast was heard!

"HEAR YE! HEAR YE! HERE TO OFFICIATE OUR ONE MILLIONTH FRIENDSHIP FESTIVAL; OUR BENEVOLENT PRINCESS OF FRIENDSHIP, TWILIGHT PINES SPARKLE!" Shouted the herald.

Twilight felt even more woozy..

And what happened next didn't help...

For soon standing on the stage...was HER!

It was Twilight...but a far more radiant, majestic, ALICORN version! She was just as large as Celestia! Complete with a flowing mane that glittered like constellations!

Twilight could do nothing but gape amazed as SHE announced her blessings on this glorious occasion...

"GREETINGS ONE AND ALL! I EAGERLY AWAIT AS WE CELEBRATE OUR ONE MILLION YEARS OF HARMONY, PROSPERITY AND FRIENDSHIP!"

Everyone went crazy cheering for PRINCESS Twilight, thanking her for all their good fortune.

Princess Twilight gave a good natured chuckle, "You flatter me. But let's not forget I couldn't have done this alone...if not for you- my good citizens of Equestria and it's assorted 1,975 city-states -my friends- she points to...FIVE MORE ALICORNS!? THAT WERE HER FRIENDS!? WAS THAT AN ALICORN FLUTTERSHY MAKING OUT WITH DISCORD!?

Twilight was getting VERY woozy right now, she was flat out hyperventilating...

And the hits didn't stop there...

-and of course my beloved husband Dipper Pines!" Finishes Princess Twilight as she steps aside as someone new came forward-

"HUSBAND!?" Screamed the now very panicked Twilight. Fortunately her screams were covered up by the crowds cheering. Twilight was just about to start desperately screaming for it all to stop...when she was stunned into silence...

Standing proud on the stage was the most regal, most handsome, most stunning silky blue, gorgeous brown eye-d ALICORN male she had ever seen(well, technically it was the FIRST alicorn male she'd ever seen...but who cares?! Certainly not Twilight! He was SEXY!)

Twilight went red in the face as the two affectionately nuzzled each other...IN PUBLIC!

"It's hard to believe that had I not gone to Gravity Falls in the Year 2012XXXXQ A.F. I'd never find the love of my life! Not to mention without his help My friends would never have become alicorns to share eternity with me, the Jaberwocky would never have been slain, the riddle of SphUnx might never have been solved and Equestria might've been destroyed by Bill-

"Ah, Twilight! You give yourself too little credit! You totally could've done that yourself!" Said Dipper as he made out with her happily while everyone wolf whistled...

This was too much for Twilight...she faints away-

ZAP!

-Which of course was the appropriate time for a portal to open and suck her back to her original time...

...

Twilight groaned as she was deposited painfully on the floor of her library, she lifted her head and rubbed it. "Wha- What...was that...real?"

She then laughed it off, "What am I saying? Of course it wasn't real! Me? An Alicorn princess?" She gives a dismissive snort, "Like that could ever happen! Well, enough daydreaming! Time to see Celestia's next assignment!" She says eagerly as she trots toward Celestia's package and a certain unfinished spell..

...several musical numbers, friendship fiasco's and a coronation later...

Between her friends cutie-marks getting switched, Ponyville being turned upside down and becoming an Alicorn Princess. Twilight had almost completely forgotten about her 'dream'...which now seemed less like a dream...

Naturally, she decided to play it safe and talk to Princess Celestia about it. The princess did a scan of her.

"Huh, I don't know how to say this Twilight...but I'm detecting temporal energy I've only ever seen when Starswirl experimented with his time-spell-

"Wait, your saying I really DID go to the future!?" Exclaimed Twilight amazed.

"Briefly, but yes." Stated Celestia with interest.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time-travel, important events, all well and good." Dismissed Princess Candace with disinterest, she then immediately jumped toward her sister in-law excitedly. "Forget all that! Tell me about your future colt-friend!" She squeed excitedly!

A flustered Twilight then goes on to explain about the MALE alicorn and all the details regarding him...

Luna giggled, "A MALE alicorn? My I knew that was THEORETICALLY possible but..." She giggled again, "My, your quite the lucky mare Twilight." Teased the lunar Princess, causing Twilight to blush more.

Meanwhile, Celestia was deep in thought. Starswirls spell was basically a one-shot spell and unless a pony was able to unlock their true potential the hard way(Like Candace did) becoming an alicorn was almost impossible, simply to get Twilight ready had taken YEARS of preparation...for this 'Dipper' to make himself and five others alicorn was nothing short of extraordinary...as for the Jaberwocky, SphUnx and 'bill'...she'd NEVER heard of any of them!

"Are you sure it wasn't riddle of the SPHINX?" Asked Celestia confused.

Twilight shook her head, "No, future me DEFINITELY said SphUnx."

Celestia scratched her mane puzzled, "Well, I've never heard of that...or those other threats...however, if indeed this Dipper was the one to help us stop them it's imperative we find him quickly! By the sound of it, you meet him later this year! I think it important we speed that up!" She asserted.

"Lucky you", teased the alicorn of love playfully.

Twilight turned even more red, "But- but what if it's too early! Won't that effect the future negatively?"

Celestia smiled, "That's the nice thing about being in a dimension which is influenced by 'destiny', as long as you don't mess with a HUGE event- like, for example: the rainboom that gave you and your friends cutiemarks -quantum causality can be relied on to twist those small, unimportant details that no one really cares about so that your life will still go the same direction eventually."

"In other words: don't worry about it and let's get on with the plot!" Squealed Pinkie Pie happily. Everyone gave her a weird look...but just shrugged it off and moved on...

...

To their dismay, they could find no mention of any 'Gravity Falls' in any atlas or map. Fortunately, they were lucky to find a hundred year old cartographer at the royal archives who'd heard of it...

"Shoot, I barely remember that place..." He brings out an old and widely out of date almanac that was being used to prop up a broken chair leg and blows the dust off it. "I was barely an apprentice when we got word of some 'Quentin Trembly' fellow starting a new town out in the plot-end of nowhere..but the paperwork was all signed so we added it to this early draft of that years almanac- He pauses to blow dust off it. "Then when we went to get a census done of the place...the local lord; Nathaniel Northwest told us that Trembly botched the whole thing and the town was now a deserted ghost town. From the letters(and dead animals) he'd sent us, Trembly seemed like a madman. That, plus the spot he'd picked was the pretty much the worst possible place for ANY kind of settlement...between all that they had no reason to doubt him so they simply left Gravity Falls off the final draft and the whole thing more or less faded from memory.

Thanking him kindly, they took the information and used it to plot a course. Although the town apparently no longer was there...it was the only lead they had.

The princesses and the rest of the Mane Six quickly prepared for their trip...as well as-

"B.B.B.F.F? What are you doing here?" Asked Twilight confused.

Shining chuckled nervously, "What? Can't a guy just causally drop in to say hi to his wife and his sister?"

...there was a long pause...

"Your here to scope out my possible future colt-friend, aren't you?" Asked Twilight put-off.

Shining sighed, "Yeeeaaaahhh." He admitted with a sigh.

...

With that settled, they head off..and to their surprise, they do find Gravity Falls! Right where the map says it is! "How peculiar, why would the local lord say it had been abandoned?" Asked Luna.

"Eh, we'll worry about that later! Right now love needs to happen!" Exclaims Candace happily as she trots forward. She was so excited! Before all this, all her powers showed nothing but signs that showed Twilight being asexual and alone forever, but now...well, she didn't know enough about this stallion for her to get a good picture of their romantic future yet...but there DEFINITELY was potential for a hook-up!

In any case, they had a quick talk with a local-

"Horns AND wings? ...are you lot witches?" Asked an earth pony named Sprott.

The group looked at him weird, "Uh, no, were alicorns." Said Twilight confused.

Sprott looked at them blankly, then shrugged. "Eh, close enough- BURN THEM!" He screams suddenly as he whips out a torch from nowhere, summoning an angry mob- ALSO, seemingly from nowhere.

...

After easily defeating the idiotic mob, they got information for where the Pines family lived. It was a dilapidated shack on the outskirts of town...

"Mystery...hack?" Asked Rainbow Dash confused as he read the sign on the roof.

Twilight took a deep breath, she made sure the fancy dress Rarity made for her was unruffled, her make-up was still good, her friends, family and mentor give her some encouraging words, she then trots toward the door and knocks.

"Okay, Twilight...be cool...the pony that comes through this door will be the most amazing special somepony that a mare can have!"

"WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" Snapped a rather fat, ugly, grey earth pony Stallion wearing a fez as he burst out the door.

Twilight's eye's widen in horror as he burped and scratched himself right in front of her! "Uh...Dipper Pines?" She asks with dread...

The pony gives her a weird look, "What? No, STAN pines...Dipper is my nephew!"

"Oh, thank Faust." Said twilight to herself relieved, she then turns to the rather rotund pony- desperately ignoring his stench, "Uh...is Dipper here?"

Stan gives her an inquisitive look, "What, you gonna abduct him or something?"

"What!?" Shouts Twilight shocked. "My good pony, I would never-

"Just make sure he's back before summer ends, otherwise do what you want. That noddle-arm could use some toughening up." Interrupts Stan. While Twilight gaps in horror, an eager Candace, Pinkie pie and Rainbow Dash suddenly brings out some rope and shackles...which they immediately get ride of under Celestia's withering glare...

Before twilight can say anything, Stan turns around and shouts- "HEY KID! GET YOUR PLOT DOWN HERE! YOU GOT SOMEONE TO TAKE YOU OUT OF MY HANDS FOR AWHILE!" He growls out as he trots back inside.

Twilight just blinked confused for a moment, then closed her eyes to compose herself. "Okay, false alarm. But this time for real...MY FUTURE HUSBAND AND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!"

"Uh...hello?"

Twilight smiled and opened her eyes...then was dumbstruck. She immediately knew he was the same pony she saw in the future. Same silky blue fur, same gorgeous brown eyes that seemed to peer into her soul...

...but that wasn't the main feature that was causing her to gap in disbelieving horror right now...

"Uh...wow...princess Twilight?" Asked the little blue COLT as he looked up at her happily.

Twilight just blinked as the pre-teen boy who was supposed to be her husband...and whimpered, "Oh, boy..."

...III…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my Patreon account!

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Author's Note

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.

...

https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963

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https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898

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If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911

...

AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account

Love me, flame me, review me