To Nowhere and Back.

by Tatl

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 2855

In which a man is flung from a plane into a land far beyond the reaches of man.

In what was supposed to be a routine holiday, I find myself catapulted into a place i couldn't of imagined even if i was smashed, high and insane. A cool place, no doubt, but still absolutely crazy in its own way.

What follows is the tale of my time in Equestria and how I came to find myself surrounded by horses, horse gods, flying horses, pointy horses and a menagerie of strange situations. Pull out a chair and sit down, let me regale you with myth, flights of fancy and some kind of fake butter.

For this is how I went To Nowhere and Back

This is my first time publishing a fanfiction, and i have no doubt that i will need to re-write it later, or that it may be filled with a plethora of oversights or mistakes.

I will thank you for being patient with me, and hopefully i can provide something you would be content with reading.

Chapters will usually be written every 3-4 days, unless of course circumstances do not permit it.

Published 2019-04-20 15:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-28 13:57:17 UTC

1) Hats and Happenstance

Chapter one: Of hats and happenstance.

The telltale signs of morning peaked through closed blinds, lighting the room a soft yellow hue as I pried my eyes open. Slender fingers cleaning the corners of my eyes from sleep and fatigue.

Said eyes were greeted by the familiar sight of cream coloured walls, paintings, pictures and a menagerie of knick-knacks and trinkets. These served to remind me of where i slept, that place being my room. It was a humble room, not spartan in appearance but far from lavish. I had filled it with mementos and the odd decoration.

To my right was a shelving unit proudly displaying my army of space marines, each one painted with a modicum of skill. To my left was the wardrobe, around one a half meters from my bed. It was of course, filled with what you would expect.

Besides a desk and accompanying laptop, there was nothing else really of that much importance in my room, just a bookcase and the odd photo or two.

“Fuck me, I’m knackered”

My voice seemed alien to me, changed of course with lack of water and the accompanying mucus you get whenever you wake up in the morning. It still had that deep and slightly northern hint to it, mixed in with a tinge of kentish, yet it sounded fatigued and weary. Then again, you’d expect that in the morning wouldn’t you?

A groan slipped from my mouth as i pushed myself up, that aforementioned fatigue quickly fading from me. Almost as if on auto-pilot i made my way to the wardrobe, the smooth beach wood doors soon pulled open. Just as i was picking out some clothes, my brain came was hit with a crowbar in the form of a realization.

I hadn’t showered yet.

“I’ve had the same routine for most of the eighteen years i spent on this earth, you think that it would get easier to remember the order of said routine” I remarked, a hint of irritation evident in my words.
As much of a mundane thing it would seem, i valued a morning shower, finding it a good way to start the day.

At that, i grabbed a large towel from the lower part of the wardrobe and made my way to the shower, closing the door gently behind me. The sounds of running water following shortly after.

What, you didn’t think i’d illustrate how i cleaned myself did you? This is a journal, not a saucy novel you know.

Anyways, after that oh-so-relieving shower, i walked back to my room, clad in nought but a soft tartan dressing gown. The gown being discarded as i dressed myself in my chosen clothes for the day. Black Chelsea boots and grey jeans, paired with a white slim-fit dress shirt, blue suit jacket and a RAAF Slouch hat, pinned up at the left side.

I should remind you, random person reading my journal, I am English. I just like how the hat looks.

Now clothed, i could begin to prepare for today's ‘main event’ so to speak. I was packing for a holiday. That in itself was near mythic in rarity, seeing as how i had never actually left my home country.

Getting back to the point, i was packing for a lovely holiday to Austria. Having practiced Deutsch for around three years in school, i was somewhat confident at the prospect of a holiday there.

In my large, black suitcase i had packed the following: Two sets of jeans, two shirts, a spare jacket and all other essentials like sun cream, some crackers, a torch etc. I was of the mind that it payed to be prepared, and you’d be amazed at how useful a pack of crackers could be.

As the clock passed by i had finished packing my clothes, preparing and locking my house. With that done, i dialed a taxi, and soon found myself bound on a far bigger adventure.

In a few hours, i was sat comfortably by the window seat of an Airbus A220 a hulking jet that, despite its size, seemed dwarfish in comparison the the rest of the fleet.

Reclining in the soft felt chair. I began to delve into my thoughts, banishing that small niggling fear at the prospect of leaving my comfort zone.

As the jet engines begun to roar, and the plane began to rise into the sky, i fell into an almost undisturbed slumber.

Keyword: Almost.

A slight jolt ripped me from my slumber, my eyes refusing to open as i rose from the mire of sleep i found myself buried in.

‘Ah, the plane has landed’ I so naively thought, a slight smile appearing on my face, thankful that the journey had ended. Of course, i soon found myself disabused of that notion.

My eyes had opened.

Clouds, so many clouds, flying past me in an instant. The sky blue backdrop shimmering in the background, clear of any jet trails. As a result, like any normal human falling from an insurmountable distance, i screamed. Very loudly.

That guttural fear sprung forth from my chest, twisting and turning my stomach up and down, and up and down. My eyes oh-so-slightly open as the dull, grey stone below grew ever closer and detailed.

At this point, i must’ve reached terminal velocity. The wind ripping past my head as the chin-strap on my hat was pulled upwards, serving its purpose quite well.

Within a second, i hit the ground.

What surprised me though, is that i lived.

A fall, from possibly thousands of feet, and i lived.

Of course, i decided not to think of that at that point because OH SWEET FUCK I WAS ALIVE!
By the grace of whatever strange god, deity or alien overlord i had fucking lived!

“GRAVITY IS MY BITCH!” My triumphant roar echoed around the man-shaped crater i had found myself lodged in. Eyes widened with fear and heart fueled with adrenaline.

That small smirk, once replaced with a terrified scream, was now transformed into a tremendously shit-eating grin. That grin soon fading as i found my body ached in everywhere and everything. All at the same time. Like a hooker after several stag-do’s.

“Never mind, gravity is far from my bitch…” i groaned, pulling myself from the relatively small crater
And onto the gravely rock above. I raised a measly hand and dusted myself off, hat to toes. Aching while i did so, naturally.

Right now, i felt like millennia old boot leather, or the coyote from Road Runner. In short, feeling as good as France after World War One.

Speaking of women, is this what a period feels like? Because oh dear lord my bollocks. Not to mention other areas, like the legs, chest, arms and head, but things hurt a lot more when impacting your balls.

Distracting myself from that horrid aching, i looked around, spying my suitcase and five sticks of butter. Not sure where the butter came from, but it would go well on the crackers. Besides from the clothes and delicious milk-based spreads, i found myself still quite high up, on a mountain to be precise.

I quickly made a synopsis for my situation.

Alone, on a mountain, presumably in Austria, and maybe, possibly far from civilization.

I had lived a fair amount of time on Earth, seeing many things as i grew from a small, weird embryo thing into the young man i am today. With the sum of all my experiences and knowledge, i brought forth a single word.

“Fuck”

"Sister, must we remind thee that meteors are under our purview?"

Celestia furrowed her brow, an infinitely rare show of displeasure for one so composed. Her coat was white, like freshly fallen snow, and her mane was blue, pink and cyan. Sort of like a less saturated rainbow. perfectly matching the marble walls of the elaborate tea-room she sat in.

"Luna, the protection of our subjects is paramount, regardless of purview"

Luna herself was a soft indigo colour, her mane dark blue and dotted with stars. She seemed bedraggled and scruffy, having woken up a few hours prior to see a meteor strike, followed by a large shift in the magical leylines of Equis. Only to have jurisdiction over this meteor handed to her sister.

"We both know that, yet thy attitude towards the circumstance of the meteor is not required. You know we are capable!" The Lunar princesses voice was laced with a tinge of anger, a scowl forming on her dark blue muzzle.

The eldest was quick to respond, eager to calm her sister. While she would never admit it, she was terrified at the prospect of Luna treating her with contempt and vitriol, fearing that she may be forced to repeat past mistakes. Shaking those thoughts from her head, she responded in a soft, and accepting voice.

"I know Luna, by Faust I know. But i only ask that you be careful"

Luna nodded, but turned to her sister before leaving.

"We would request the aid of Twilight Sparkle, dear sister."

Author's Note

This was the first chapter! I had fun writing this chapter, though it pales in comparison to the detail in others. I'm also somewhat nervous as its the first time i've published something on FimFiction, so the possibly of criticism and having my flaws pointed out sets of a kind of nervous feeling in my chest. Nevertheless, criticism can show me what to improve on, and so i welcome it with open arms.

Another chapter should be ready in a few days, and thank you for reading

To Nowhere and Back

2) Butter Heresy

Chapter Two: Butter Heresy

The sun was high in the sky, its rays bouncing off the snow-capped mountains and making them shine with a most brilliant light. Rock faces made of unflinching, monolithic stone stood tall over the lush plains below, guarding the beautiful and tranquil wilderness.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

I took a deep breath, trying to relax after that inconceivably loud shout. You would expect a man, stranded in unfamiliar lands with no large chance of survival, to be in anger at his situation.

However, the source of my anger was the margarine in front of me.

"You're not even butter! You're a lie, a wolf in buttery-sheep's clothing!" I frothed, glaring at those offending yellow packets before me, my rage simmering slowly. "How am i meant to enjoy crackers without butter?! Instead i have to deal with YOU. The sickly, vegetable oil reject cousin of the best thing since toast!"

I felt as if i was going mad, screaming my rage away at some fake butter and its heretical existence. Heretical as it may be, the margarine was an outlet for my anger and despair at this hapless situation i found myself in.

I dragged my suitcase behind me, pocketing a singular packet of margarine. Not that i like the horrid stuff, but desperate times may call for desperate measures. I felt my ceaseless wrath begin to fade, my case clacking against the stone it was dragged across.

As i begun my journey to the nearest form of civilization, i looked up to the sky, finding the once soft blue now slowly being replaced by a brilliant, burning hue. The colour itself was lost on me, an odd mix of pink an orange i found indescribable. A nigh unnoticeable smile graced my lips as i continued, that lush green grass coming ever closer as i descended. The hours passed slowly, and i soon found myself a mere stones throw from the field below.

It had been a long trek, my legs aching and sore as i fell upon those small green blades, the coldness of the grass caressing my features as i grunt in discomfort. I suppose i wasn't all that unhealthy, but i wouldn't of regarded myself as fit either, in fact it would be more accurate to call me average. Not too skinny, not too fat, and not that chiseled either. This of course explained why i was bloody exhausted.

"Good Christ, why didn't i stay in the bleedin' scouts.." Another groan slipped from my mouth, my body protesting as i lumbered off to a nearby tree, intent on at least making some kind of shelter. I slumped against the hard trunk of what i assumed to be an oak tree, gazing up at sun as it finally let night take the stage. Minutes upon minutes ticked by as i finally regained an iota of stamina, allowing me to take a few gaudy old shirts from my suitcase without my body screaming like a primary school student who got his cajones kicked-in.

I tied the sleeves of the shirts together, fashioning a sort of quilt that looked almost as strange as Mark Zuckerberg. With that done, i wrenched a sizable branch from the tree, that same branch hitting me square in the jaw around three tries in.
After a few choice curses and well placed tugs, the branch came to be embedded into the ground before the tree.

Soon, this Herculean task would be finished and i could drift into peaceful slumber. With my resolve now boosted, i finished tying the shirt-quilt around the stick and trunk, my impromptu tent now complete.

"Halla-fekkin'-jujah" I grumbled, climbing into the tent and laying my head upon my suitcase, eager to drift into a peaceful sleep.

"Twilight Sparkle, you have been summoned to the Canterlot Upper Academy on behalf of her most esteemed majesty Princess Luna Diana Sov, in regards to a recent phenomenon pertaining to the magical leylines of Equestria. Given your experience with the subject, you are expected to accompany the princess on her expedition for a minimum of four days. Signed, royal scribe Compass Point."

Spike recited the letter perfectly, his brow raised in mildly hidden exasperation as his friend and sister practically exploded with excitement and trepidation.

"Oh my Celestia! Spike, get the thaumograph, travel kit and resonance device!"

Twilight was filled with glee and nervousness. Glee at being requested to study a phenomena because of her expertise, but nervousness at the prospect of error. Such was standard for the bookish unicorn, her intellect only matched by her propensity to worry. As if she were on fire, she darted from bookcase to bookcase, from shelf to shelf and from wall to wall gathering miscellaneous items and reference materials for the upcoming task.

"All right, all right. But don't you think you should tell your friends where you're going?" The reptile questioned, his emerald eyes painted with a small semblance of curiosity. At that, the young dragon scurried off to collect the required items, but not before asking a question. "Why do you need the resonance device anyways? Isn't it that strange copper looking stick that glows green at the end and does nothing?"

"No spike, you're thinking of the sonic resonance device, which isn't even mine anyways." Twilight sighed, filled with faux exasperation. With a wave of her hoof, Spike resumed his duties. "He is right though, i should tell the girls. Maybe they should come along..."

As Twilight continued with her preparations, the library door swung open. Through that door strode a cocky, prismatic mare. 'Daring Do' novel in tow.

"Heya Twi! I just finished reading Daring Do and the Ring of Destiny. It was So awesome! "

Rainbow quickly composed her self, chuckling awkwardly before noticing the mulberry mare's machinations. "Woah, what's got you in a hurry?" She inquired, lazily flapping her wings as she looked at Twilight with intrigue and slight concern. One brow was peaked in a questioning way, giving the impression of a curious cat.

The prodigal pony seemed perfectly proud as she launched into an explanation. The pegasus of course listened with a degree of interest.

"I've been invited to do research on a large scale magical phenomena! By princess Luna! For a week!" She shouted, voice laced with glee. Rainbow begun to take a higher interest after the word 'phenomena'

"Hey, slow down there egghead! Did you say phenomena? Like, the really nerdy word which basically means a super cool thing?" A questioning tone had made its way to the cyan mares voice, a feisty smirk on her face at the prospect of an adventure.

At the librarian's confirmation, the prismatic pegasus pumped a hoof into the air. "If its cool stuff, i'm in! 'Rainbow Danger Dash and the Lost Phenomenon' Dang I sound awesome!" The mare said, absorbed in her own fantasy, envisioning herself to be as strong and fearless as her favorite character, Daring Do.

"I'll go and get everypony else!" Rainbow dash exclaimed, bolting out of the library at incredible speeds.

Author's Note

Sorry for being so late, and for the quality of the story should you not find it to your liking.
I was recently wrapped up this week, my brother decided to take me re-enacting.

There is nothing more satisfying then firing a gas operated Vickers-gun.

(This chapter will likely be revised at a later date)