Department 7

by SavageSpits

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Violence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Queen Chrysalis, Adventure
Length: 3283

After a mission goes wrong, Department 7's Agent 13 (John Hawke) is transported to an alien world of talking ponies. Funny thing is that this isn't the weirdest thing to happen to him.

Department 7, the secretive worldwide government agency that deals with aliens and the paranormal. Agent 13 (John Hawke) is one the okay agents that doesn't have powers but still gets the job done with his non magical tricks and (most of the time) his penis. What happens when he's transported to a different world with magical talking ponies. What adventures will await him in this new land?

Published 2019-05-26 22:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-05-26 22:40:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Mission

Hall 7: Agent 13's living quarters

I looked into the mirror showing my short dark hair with brown soul-less eyes looking back at me. Don’t worry, I still have my soul. For now at least. I graze my gloved fingers along my fucked up face remembering how I got each scar from each mission I did. Meh, it could have been worse. I could have ended like agent 25 and get eaten by a zombie yeti. That was a nasty site to see. I shake those thoughts from my head and turn to head towards the closet to inspect my gear.

The closet door swings open to have lights shine on my on my tactical gear. To the right houses my weapons some of which are my standard tactical 9 mm pistol with a flashlight and ammunition counter attachments. A carbon steel knife infused with sliver and 9 mm bullets infused with UV light and sliver and then the usual garlic infused wooden stakes, and holy water. I grab the my standard equip from my right and turn towards the middle. The middle holds my bullet proof vest, tactical gloves, knee and elbow guards, steel-toe combat boots, and then finally my favorite thing out of all of my gear. The X-Star V.5 tactical helmet. It hides my scared face,one of the few things I'm self concise about, then also cancels out any magic in the immediate area (the radius is around 7 yards), it provides a H.U.D with a motion sensor scanner of 10 yards, and finally allows me to see in different light spectrum's so I can see other beings that can't be seen with the naked eye. I quickly put it on and sigh in being comfortable with it on once again. I turn it on and see that I have a message from Commander Ricks.

"Report to Hall 8 for mission debrief and squad assignments. And Agent 13, please arrive on time unless you want to clean the latrines of the kaiju's again. Commander Ricks out." Then the recording ends with a click.

"Fuck that, I ain't ever doing that shit ever again. That shit gives me nightmares still, ugh."

I grab the last thing from the closet, a sliver cross, and then I slam the doors shut and blot to the main door to leave my quarters. I begin to trek through Hall 7, quarters for employees who live on site and there are 9 Halls in total, to towards the tunnel that connects Hall 7 to Hall 8. Luckily this tunnel wasn't very long unlike the others which could take 30 minutes to a hour to cross. I passed other agents and other employees along they way, nodding to them to say hello without saying anything. The reason I don't say hello is that because I'm really just an asshole and Department 7 policy is only to say your agent name and to fellow agents and non-agents. Their are only a handful of agents that know our real names and that includes the director.

I see other agents start heading to the assigned meeting room in Hall 8, while lingering back so I can look at their asses. Hey, I know a good ass when I see one. Sue me motherfuckers.

"Staring at fellow agents asses, again, are we now, Agent 13?" A voice tells me while walking towards the door.

I slowly turn my head towards the voice, to see Agent 22 walking towards the meeting room, fucking asshole. I really hate that son of a bitch sometimes. okay, more like all the time. "Nice to see ya too there Mr. Wolf-Man", I say while chuckling at the lycan joke in my head.

"Just make sure you pay attention to the mission debrief this time. So that we don't have a failed mission like last time. GOT IT, BOY?" he replies to me in angry tone filled with sadness at the same time.

Hall 8: Meeting room

He doesn't wait for an answer, as he slams the door in my face. I stumble a little bit, but catch myself and sigh with regret towards the failure of last mission. I shake my head to clear the sadness and walk into the mission debrief. I shut the door and stand in the corner to see the everyone, but they can't really see me. Well expect for the non-human agents, who can smell almost everyone in the room. Commander Ricks clears his throat to begin speaking.

"Alright then, now that all assigned agents are here. We can begin the mission debrief. For a couple of weeks we have been keeping tabs on a group called " The Blood Blots". They have been robbing local blood banks and hospitals of a small town in Hookesville, Virginia for unknown reasons, expect that they want blood. Lots of it."

"How much blood we talking here?" asks an agent with a southern accent.

"Several thousands pints have been stolen so far" he replies while giving the agent a look of annoyance for interrupting him. "So far we have sent twelve agents to scout out un-hit places that house blood, but somehow "The Blood Bots" were tipped off and managed to kill nine out of twelve agents and still steal the blood. The other three were successful in not getting caught, but "The Blood Bolts" still managed to steal the blood. All three agents reported that they were going follow them and report their findings." He then turns to the wall and pulls down a map the town. "Two of the agents lost track of their targets here", he points to a building on the map, "and here." "The third agent managed to find the hideout and disclose its location to us before getting captured."

"We don't much from the surveillance because Tier 5 magic is blocking all attempts to view the compound. But what we do know that something big is happening and most likely apocalypse level destruction will happen if their plans don't get stopped." a new voice says from behind the commander in the shadows.

I feel like I recognize that voice, from somewhere here in the department before. I say to myself as the figure revels themselves to the group. Oh shit it's the director, can't fall asleep now. Dammit.

"We will divide into two teams of twelve to stop whatever "The Blood Blots" are doing and rescue the captured agent from them. But the first priority is to stop whatever they have plan, rescue is comes second. Agents 1-12 will be on Alpha team and Agents 13-24 will Bravo team. Alpha will get the first priority, while Bravo will get second priority. Each team will be debriefed on what their mission details will be. Good luck everyone, Director Hall out." she says while vanishing into the shadows like she was never there.

That still creeps me out, every time she does that.

"Alright Agents, lets move out and kick some ass!!! Alpha's team leader will be Agent 10 and Bravo's is Agent 22. Dismissed."

Fuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk, this mission just went to 'it's gonna suck' to 'might as well kill myself now cause I'm gonna get the worst job on this mission'. Lets get this over with and if I come home in one piece, then I'll watch some Clone Wars and then some midnight porn to finish the day. I begin to walk to towards where Bravos meeting, but someone quickly pulls me aside and slams me into the wall.

"Listen here human, I'm in charge and anything I say goes. I don't want another fuck up like on your last mission. Got it Agent 13!?!?!?!?" Agent 22 says to me while inches from my face and barring all of his lycan teeth at me.

God his breath stinks, I would make fun of him. But, I don't want my throat torn out. So no jokes, for know. heh. "Got it team leader, I'm yours to command." I say while making a sex joke towards him.

He scrunches his face in disgust, and throws me to the ground like a used tissue. "God you're disgusting, meet up with the others and wait for instructions. Fuck up again, and I'll make sure you don't make out this mission alive." He walks away from me to get mission details from Commander Ricks. While sighing, I pick myself up and start to walk towards where the other Bravo agents are. I get there and everyone is making small talk with each other. I don't even bother trying to make small talk with them cause I know they don't like me. Shortly after I arrive, Team Leader Agent 22 walks up and calls for everyone's attention.

"Alright here's the game plan, Agents 13 and me will go after the hostage. Everyone else will provide back up and go to their designated places for this operation. If you have any questions go through the folder for this operation. Everyone meet up in 10 minutes for departure in the garage." Then he walks out with everyone having the most confused faces ever, cause this dumb-ass is gonna get us all killed cause he sucks at debriefing. Then I slump my head down and slap my face while goring aloud.

"So wants to go over the debriefing for real?" I ask out loud but really just talking to myself. Then I look up to see that everyone has left without looking at the report. I shake my head my and say to myself "Whelp, definitely not everyone is coming back." I walk over to the report and pick it to read that it totally goes against what the Team Leader says. I really hope that he's not trying to get us killed, especially me. Or maybe he really didn't read it like the rest of the team too. Interesting.

Hall 8: Garage

I look over to the wall to see the time and only to find out that I got five minutes to get to the garage. I haul ass over there so I don't get yelled at for this death operation. Three minutes later I arrive to everyone loading up into a V10 Ventaraptor Transport Helicopter, a.k.a "V-Raps", getting ready to lift out for our target destination. I climb aboard to find a empty spot right at the opening of the ramp. I quickly strap myself in and look behind me to make sure that there's a parachute for me just in case. Cause you know that I can't fly like vampires, harpies, and some other species that can fly too. I start looking at what species are going to be covering my back for this operation. I see three vampires and four werewolves towards the nose of the V-Raptor. In the middle are two reapers and one orc. Then finally at the ramp, is me the only human and one Stone Golem right in front of me. Now this Stone Golem was made by us around twenty years ago, it understands you but it can't talk to you. Only nods yes and no to ya. It's around ten feet tall and and has yellowish glowing letters on all tattooed on his body.

Now the Werewolves are muscular, hairy, around 7 feet tall, and they constantly smell like a wet dog. They can jump really high, the best non-magical trackers that the Department 7 has, and used to have a centuries feud with vampires that only ended around 100 years ago. The Vampires are lean, but not scrawny. They're between 6-7 feet tall and have soul-less eyes and they don't smell like anything. Which I think is really fucking weird, but anyways. They can fly, and yes they drink blood. Why are they on this mission again, this smells like a disaster.

The Reapers are the scariest looking ones cause, there face changes to your greatest fear every time you look at them. Which is awesome and scary for obvious reasons. Cause of that, the Department makes them wear masks that work like two-way mirrors. They sorta of look like the Cobra Commander helmet from the comics, but looks like a mask. No one knows what their actual face looks like. At last there's the Orcs. They are between 7-8 feet tall and their skin tone varies from light gray to green. They've got huge muscles and it's rumored that they can lift one ton and they like eating their enemies. Which I don't agree with cause to me it's like cannibalism and I ain't crossing that line ever.

After analyzing my teammates for they are good at, lets just say that none of them are really the best choices for this operation. But hey, that's my two cents. If this operation backfires, it's on the Department. Then a voice breaks me out of my concentration.

"This is V-Raptor pilot speaking, code-name 'Predator', please buckle in cause we're taking off in five, four three, TWO, and...." Then the pilot blasts off with us with us and me screaming like I'm getting murdered.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hookesville, Virginia, U.S.A

30 minutes later into the flight, everyone is giving me a 'I'm gonna rip your eyes out, if you don't shut up' look. I managed to finally shut up. Eventually, the V-Raptor lands on the roof of another building near wear the target is being held. Everyone straps out of their seats and waits for the all clear to exit. Their is no sound and the Predator breaks the silence.

"Your good to go ladies and gentlemen, good luck with the op. Holler if y'all need air support. Predator, OUT!" and his voice is cut off by a loud buzzing.

BBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The ramp quickly opens up for Bravo team so we can quietly haul ass to the meet up point. Well almost everyone, the Stone Golem was pretty loud. But the big dude can't help it. I wonder if they have penises, cause if they do, how loud are they when they bang? Sorry getting a little horny from the pressure. Which is on the 15th floor (out of 30 floors). The Stone Golem is in the front as a shield for safety reasons. Then it's T.L Agent 22 behind him, then good old me, and finally everyone else. We all make it to the door quietly and S.G takes the door handle and snaps it off like a chicken bone. It opens up to a stairwell that we all start to go down, expect me cause I'm holding the door and watching the V-Raptor fly away.

As soon as the last agent is in, I once again make sure out six is covered and head down with them. We descend down the stairs and it's making me more nervous than usual for missions. For some reason the lower we got the colder it got, and usually those are big fucking clues to something paranormal happening with in general area. Maybe it's the building next door, but that would mean something powerful is being summoned. Oh shit, we are so under prepared for a threat like that. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!! But luckily the agent ahead of me for some reason turns around and notices me panicking like my mom typing p in google search.

"Hey you good there Agent 13? We don't ya flipping your shit for this op."

I see its one of the Reapers talking to me. "Is it just me or is this whole building really cold, like in the paranormal sense?"

"I'm sure you're just over reacting cause you've got a lot of pressure since you play a major part in this op. Once it's over I'm sure you'll do what ever it is you do for fun."

Fuck bitches until they ooze with my cum and then ditch em like a black man does with his kids.

"Yeah, your right, thanks." I say while giving the Reaper a grateful smile.

He just nods his head and turns his attention elsewhere for the remaining walk. We make it to the 15th floor 10 minutes later. As I finally walk in, I can see what used to be an empty office space, is now a fully operating T. H. for us, a.k.a Temporary Headquarters, and was most likely set up by Alpha Team. I close the door behind me and start looking for where I'm supposed to go.

I see Agent 22 and begin to trek towards him for orders and any to see if they any specialized gear for the op. I arrive to see him giving orders to the Beta Team agents to do whatever they're gonna do. He starts sniffing the air like he's smelling someone's fresh dump or some other god awful smell. He just groans and sighs and looks at me.

'Fuck, what did I do now?' I mentally sigh and prepare for a verbal beating.

"What I can help you with Agent 13?" he says an annoyed tone.

"I'm here for orders sir, and also wondering if I need any specialized gear for the op sir." I state in the most professional tone I can give for this dick.

"Very well, find Agent 17 for your new gear and then meet up 20 minutes for the final debriefing. Do make sure you're ready to go because if their is a repeat like last time. I'll make sure you won't make it home, got it slut!?!?!?"

"Sir, yes, sir!" I quickly salute and haul ass to find Agent 17 before he sees me shitting myself out of fear.

Author's Note

Hey I'm working on the next chapter, hopefully it won't take long for me to finish.

Prologue

DEPARTMENT 7

(The Paranormal Investigative Response Units)

“.........Our mission is to uphold the peace, justice, and order through the old and new worlds of the supernatural. Together we stand united, no matter the species, the race, or origin in this department. We fight to the end, to the last breath, to the agent in our ranks. WE ARE Department 7!!!!!!”

-Director Samantha Hall’s graduation speech for the new recruits to the brand new department.

Prologue:

Death. That’s all I’ve known for 10 years with the occasional saving good people and then going to a bar and hooking up with demons, lycans, vampires, or whatever is drunk enough to sleep with me. Then fucking them until they end up like Steven Hawking, he he. I’ve never been into the whole relationship thing, ugh sounds horrible. Oh shit before I forget, my names is Agent 13, a.k.a John Hawke, (No, me and Ethan Hawke are not related). I know it’s a stereotypical name, but it’s the one my folks gave me. Anyways let me tell you something’s about me, just kidding. Dumbass’ think I’m gonna tell you about my life story just yet, he he think again. But I guess I’m feeling a little generous today, so I’ll start from the b. I’ve been on many crazy adventures such as freeing fellow agents from hell, banging an angel in a alleyway, and then saving the world from destruction a few times here and there. But the most interesting mission was when I got teleported to a different planet full of talking ponies with powerful magic. I’ll tell it from the beginning, so i won’t have any confusion or shit like that.

Author's Note

Hey this is my first Fimfiction, so go try not to butcher me to bad. It would greatly appreciated if you all gave a thumbs up and comment on what I can approve on or add to the story. Thanks you guys so much.