Chapter 1: Welcome to Dreamland
There’s this song by Providence noise rock duo Lightning Bolt called “Wee Ones Parade”. It starts off fairly mundane, with the bassist, Brian Gibson, and the drummer/vocalist, Brian Chippendale(they’re both named Brian) parroting eachother with a bass and distorted vocal sounds.
About a minute and fifty seconds in it goes from this to a sudden burst of orgasmic chaos, hitting you so fast it’s like it’s snapping your neck. It’s unexpected but welcomed.
This is how my day went.
It started with me waking up and getting breakfast, not even bothering with putting on new clothes. I switch on the tv; I see the same shit I’ve been seeing the past week, crazy weather like foreboding clouds looming over downtown Seattle that’s been causing birds to drop from the sky and cats to jump off buildings. Whoop-dee-doo. I blame Los Angeles smog.
My roommate, Billy Bob Burton, enters the kitchen, fresh out the shower and wearing nothing but a towel around the waist.
“Dude, I don’t think you should go to work today,” he tells me.
“I kinda have to. I don’t wanna get in any more shit with my boss.”
He peers out the window.
“Yeah but, like, there are more cats jumping off the buildings than usual.”
I could hear the collective agonized REEEEEOOOWWWWWW moans of hundreds of cats dropping to their deaths from where I’m sitting.
I stand up and head to my room to get changed.
“I’m not a cat. Not my problem,” I reply. Billy is still staring out the window.
About an hour later I’m already heading out to work, walking through Pioneer Square, “XYZ” by Flasher playing through my headphones. A homeless man comes up to me and asks for money.
“SORRY I CANT HEAR YOU, I HAVE AIRPODS” I say really loudly, pointing at my dopeass, $139 AirPods I bought at Costco.
About thirty minutes later I make it to my workplace. I wipe the cat blood on my shoes on the floor mat at the entrance while my boss approaches me.
“Anon, your late.”
“You’re*” I say smugly.
I am now an unemployed man. I have all my shit in a box, and am sitting at a table at the Starbucks in Pike.
I take out my phone to watch the one thing that brings me joy in this life: My Little Pony.
The show of adorable colorful ponies doing cute wholesome things is an escapism like no other. Twilight Sparkle is my favorite. She’s purple, and she is intelligent and adorkable. I’d totally have sex with Twilight Sparkle.
As if God heard my inner desires, a man in a tux enters the Starbucks and sits across from me at my table.
I look at him.
“You know, this is the very first Starbucks in the world. Isn’t that cool?” I tell him.
“Are you Anon?” He asks.
“I sure am. How do you know my name?”
“I’m part of an organization of scientists who need you to help us.”
“.......well damn that’s kinda fast and oddly specific innit?”
“Well, you’re special. I can be as open as I want because not only do you not have a choice, since there’s guys outside who are ready to chloroform you as you leave, but the author of this fanfic is also super fucking tired right now and is really trying to rush this chapter.”
“Indeed,” I reply slyly, sipping at my coffee I suddenly have out of nowhere.
“So where are you taking me after I get chloroformed?”
“Well, there’s a lab and there’s a portal to a cartoon universe called Equestria.”
I raise an eyebrow. He continues talking.
“We don’t know how to talk to the inhabitants, so we looked into the My Little Pony fandom and handpicked a bunch of brownies who we feel would effectively get information about Equestrian culture out of the ponies and hopefully an alliance with us humans.”
I raise my eyebrow again.
“And what’s so special about me specifically?”
“Well, you have a history with horses, given your parents were horse vets, and you have an associates degree in Communications.”
“It’s a bachelor’s but okay,” I correctively moan under my breath, scratching the back of my head.
“Listen, Anon, we feel you’d be a perfect candidate for forming a bridge between our worlds. Are you up?”
I think to myself. Maybe this could be my chance to achieve my lifelong dream of meeting the ponies.
“Nah,” I casually respond. I get up and leave.
As soon as I walk out the door, a bunch of guys grab me and hold a chloroformed cloth against my mouth and nose. I pass out.
I wake up completely naked and strapped to a table. In front of me is another scientist in a lab coat, looking at me and taking notes.
“Good, you’re awake, put on these clothes,” he says before undoing my restraints and handing me clothes.
“Wait, if that’s it, why am I naked and restrained?”
The scientist replied with “cause I’m a perv,” before exiting the room and shutting the door behind him.
After I put my clothes on I’m led to a room by a couple of guards. The room is big and has a massive portal on the wall. In front of the portal is a table with a couple of items. A lab dude takes me to the table and introduces me to the tools.
“These are the things you’ll be bringing with you to Equestria:
-This iPhone. It has 250 GB of memory and has a special service that lets you communicate with our world in spite of the technology not existing in Equestria. Porn is blocked.
-A laser pointer/flashlight combo, because if you’re in the dark or need to point at shit, this’ll be helpful.
-An earpiece that automatically translates whatever foreign language you hear into English. It also manipulates your speech to speak the respective language of whoever you’re speaking to.
-A book of notes on things to teach the inhabitants about our own world.
-A pack of gum.”
“What kind of gum is it?”
“It’s Bubble Yum.”
“Fuck.”
I take the items and I’m beckoned by the lab guy towards the portal.
“Remember, take notes of everything you learn and send us a report, okay? And be sure to teach them about how we work as well.”
I nod, take a deep breath, and step into the portal.
The experience in the portal is actually really fucking boring. It’s just like sliding down this super long slide made of star stuff and whatnot. I even manage to rub one out during my ride to keep myself occupied.
Suddenly I awaken in a cartoon field. I am officially in Equestria. But where in Equestria am I?
I stand up and scan the area, comparing it to the scenery I saw in the show. In the distance I see Ponyville. I begin my journey.
After about an hour of walking I finally make it to Ponyville.
I get a lot of confused, often terrified stares from ponies I pass by. I am gonna face so much racism during my stay, I think to myself.
I eventually make it to Twilight’s castle. I knock on the door. It opens to reveal Spike.
“What the fuck are you?” He asks.
“WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU LITTLE SHIT?” I yell, scaring him.
Before I could kick his ass, a certain purple pony appears from around the corner.
“Spike!!! Where are you? I need you to help me clean the—-“
She sees me and stops dead in her tracks.
“Hello,” I sheepishly wave.
The next couple of hours are me introducing myself to Twilight over tea, telling her my situation, and asking her if alcohol exists here.
Basically, she tells me I could stay in her castle and that she’d be more than happy to teach me about Equestria, as long as I teach her about my world. I’m happy this turned out better than I expected.
“Man, I’m as tired as the author of this fanfic is right now. I need a nap.”
“Sure thing, Anon. Let me take you to your room.”
She does just that, and upon seeing my bed, which is massive, I happily flop onto it.
“If you need anything, don’t be afraid to ask me or Spike,” she assures me.
She turns to leave, but halts.
“Anon.....don’t take this the wrong way, but why did you come to me by default upon arriving?”
I think of an answer. Now that I think of it, I really don’t know why. I guess the familiarity of Twilight and her residence in the show gave me a location I know I could go to, and thus my subconscious had me come here.
I merely tell her I’ve heard great things about her. She blushes and gives off a shy giggle. She tells me good night, and softly closes my door.
I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. What a weird fucking day this was. But it’s a really orgasmic kind of weird. Like the Lightning Bolt song. I welcome it, I enjoy it. And I’m curious as to what’s in store for me next.
TO BE CONTINUED
End credits song: Civil Civic-Street Trap