Mood Whiplash

by Horatio Horseblower

Rating: teen
Tags: Drama, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 6519

Apple Bloom plans to surprise her sister with an early birthday present, so why is she the one getting surprised?

It was a genius plan: give somepony a birthday present the day before their birthday. It's a surprise nopony would ever see coming. At least, that was the idea as far as Apple Bloom had figured it. However, while she's trying to find someplace to hide her sister's present, she ends up on the receiving end of an earth shattering surprise of her own.

Cobbled together for the April Wincest Contest.

Published 2019-04-24 11:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-24 11:10:01 UTC

Whiplash

As the seemingly vast majority of stories in Equestria began, it was a beautiful day, partly due to the spring season, and mostly due to the fact that their weather was magically controlled and micromanaged down to the point that today was sunny, tomorrow would be overcast, and the day after that would have scattered showers. Well, they were supposed to be scattered. Sometimes the weather team got a little lazy and just kind of left the rain clouds in wandering clumps. Either way, it was sunny today. Sunny was good, especially when shopping in Ponyville's open air market.

Weaving through the crowd from stall to stall was a little farm pony, excitedly searching for anything that might catch her eye. Trailing behind her at a decidedly more leisurely pace were her two closest companions.

"Hold on a second," Sweetie Belle said as they caught back up while Apple Bloom perused the wares of a stall stacked with pewter trinkets, "tell me again why we're here. I thought we were having a slumber party at my place."

"Sorry," Apple Bloom apologized, weighing a tiny figurine of a ballerina in her hoof, "that's just what I told Applejack so I could surprise 'er."

"It's her birthday tomorrow," Scootaloo added, having spent much more attention during the first explanation.

"No it isn't," Sweetie Belle said, confused. "Your birthday was a few months ago."

Placing the trinket back on the shelf, Apple Bloom couldn't help but press her hoof to her forehead. "No, not mine. Applejack's. Her birthday's tomorrow and I wanna surprise 'er with somethin' special."

The little filly would have preferred to have already gotten her a gift, but she'd only just gotten her allowance this morning, giving her enough money to be able to afford something worth getting. Now, it was only a matter of finding that something, and the unexpected delivery.

Sweetie Belle scratched her head. "So, why lie to her about the slumber party?"

This was where the plan really came together, and Apple Bloom was happy to explain it again. "See, I'm gonna head home later, when they're finishin' up all the day's work, and when she least expects it, BAM! Surprise birthday present!"

"When her birthday is tomorrow," Scootaloo deadpanned. The pegasus had already heard this part and it still didn't make any sense to her.

"Exactly!" Apple Bloom grinned at the brilliance of it. "That's when she'll least expect it. Who says a birthday present has to be given on your birthday?"

"Uh, the name of the occasion?" Scootaloo quipped as they moved on from the pewter stall in search of more promising prospects.

Putting two and two together, Sweetie Belle perked up at a deduction. "Wait, you just wanted to get out of your chores for the day, didn't you?"

"No!" Apple Bloom replied, slightly offended, before breaking out in a single chuckle, "Okay, that, too, a little, but hear me out."

The filly stopped in the center of the street, giving her full attention to the explanation of her genius plan. "See everypony expects presents on yer birthday, so it's no surprise, but a present the day before, nopony expects that, and since the rest of the family will still give her stuff and we'll celebrate and have a cake and whatnot tomorrow, it's like she gets two days. It's perfect."

That, and Big Mac always bought their sister much better gifts than the filly could afford, so she wouldn't have any immediate competition. Whatever she got her would have the spotlight until tomorrow, which of course meant it had to be extra extra special.

Sweetie Belle uttered a simple 'Huh' as she cogitated for a moment. "You really put some thought into this. Why? I've never heard of somepony having a surprise double birthday. It sounds so cool when you put it like that."

Apple Bloom's grin twitched downwards. "I just want to cheer her up, is all."

"Is she still sick?" Scootaloo asked, concerned.

"All week." Apple Bloom confirmed. "It ain't too serious, but she's been real queasy. Just about hurled up her breakfast this mornin', and she's been all kinds of jittery, like she's real worried about it. I just wanna make her feel a little better, is all."

"And get out of work today." Scootaloo appended, jokingly.

"That's a bonus." Apple Bloom insisted. "Besides, she wasn't bothered none. Truth be told, I think she was happy to get me out of the house. She never did like people seeing her when she's sick."

"Well, if it's the thoutht that counts," Scootaloo said. "I'm sure she'll love it."

Sweetie Belle nodded. "And it helps to have a good present, so let's find one."

Once again in one accord, the trio returned to their task, canvassing the markets for the perfect gift to brighten Applejack's mood.

Three hours later, it was agreed that Applejack was a decidedly difficult person to shop for. The farm pony had simple, utilitarian tastes. The only things she wanted were things she needed, and everything she needed was either something she already had, something she would cobble together on her own as such need arose, or was outside her, and therefore Apple Bloom's budget. The trick then, was to find something that she didn't know she needed.

They were about to give up and circle back to one of the many rejected trinkets when they had come across it by chance. Now, more bits than expected for the item spent, Apple Bloom was the proud owner of a pair of small containers of Slipshine's patented preserving oil. You just rubbed it into fabric, and it would protect it from some of the wear and tear, and even keep bugs away.

The cowpony hat that Applejack wore literally everywhere was an old gift from their late parents. The fabric was starting to show its age, and Slipshine the retired rodeo stallion, now a traveling merchant, promised that his preserving oil was just the thing to keep her hat in good condition for years more to come. Apple Bloom's gift would be to help preserve the most precious thing her sister had.

After gift-wrapping the vials at the treehouse and hanging out a while longer, Apple Bloom said goodbye to her friends and moseyed on home, making sure to get there about the time that their daily chores would be about done. Busy enough that she could sneak in and prepare for her surprise, but late enough not to get roped into the chores she most certainly was not avoiding. She'd thought of getting one of those little confetti poppers that she could never remember the name of, but thought it best she reel it in a little, judging by her sister's present condition.

An idea occurred to her as she sidled in through the back door unseen. She could hide the present in Applejack's bedroom, then give her a couple of innocent, innocuous hints to cause her to happen across it. Absolutely brilliant. A gentle, non-jarring surprise. The best kind to keep someone from horking up their lunch in response.

Like an adolescent ninja, Apple Bloom crept through the house, trying her best to avoid detection, though the house seemed about empty. Peering out the window to the barn, she caught the movement of a large stallion's shadow by lamplight, still working. If Applejack wasn't helping, she must still be under the weather. Granny wasn't home. She was out visiting some member of the extended family, and would not be back until tomorrow afternoon. Passing the bathroom, the light filtering through under the door answered the question of where Applejack was. She'd have to be quick. Quick and stealthy... Squelthy.

Slipping into her sister's room, Apple Bloom hurriedly searched for the best place to hide the present. The two little oil containers were fairly small, barely a hoofspan in size. She'd gotten two, one smelled faintly of lavender, and the other was unscented in case she didn't like the first one.

There was the shelves, but there was nowhere to put them where they wouldn't be immediately spotted. She could put them in one of the dresser drawers, but that felt too obvious, just as putting them under her pillow. She could hear a flush from down the hall, and knew her time was running out. Actually, on second thought, anywhere on or around the bed was a bad idea in case the oil was spilled somehow. Quickly panning her head around, Apple Bloom settled on the closet. Just as she opened the door, she could hear the bathroom open.

She couldn't let Applejack find her now. That'd ruin the surprise. Thinking quick, Apple Bloom hopped inside the closet and slid the door closed, making sure not to slam it. Not a second later, the bedroom door opened and Applejack walked in. The closet door had vertical slats, with gaps just wide enough to see through if you brought your face close, but thin enough that her sister shouldn't be able to see her in return unless she drew attention to herself.

Forcing herself to be as quiet as possible, Apple Bloom peaked through the slats, surprised at her sister's demeanor. Applejack slowly shuffled to her bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress, staring at the floor for a long couple minutes. There was some kind of small, pink stick in one of her hooves that the filly couldn't quite make out, that was placed beside her. For the longest moment, it seemed like she might break out crying, but instead gave a deep sigh and let her face rest in her hooves.

Apple Bloom hated feeling like she was intruding, but the filly was already committed to hiding. Coming out now would only make for an incredibly awkward moment. All she could do now was wait for the moment to slip back out and see what was bothering her sister under less intrusive circumstances.

Applejack wasn't going anywhere. She just sat there, dejected. Whatever the problem was, it was really eating at her. After nearly ten minutes of waiting for her sister to leave, or move, or do anything but sit there, covering her face and giving long, wavering sighs, Big Mac arrived. He knocked a hoof on the door frame and let himself in. He was tired, still sweaty from all the work. Apple Bloom could already smell him inside the closet. He must have been at it for a while by himself. Their sister must be worse than she'd thought. Concern and curiosity both gnawed at her as she stared through the slats.

"Feelin' better?" He asked, pensive for some reason.

Her face still hidden, Applejack just shook her head from behind her hooves.

"What's wrong?" He asked, giving voice to the question Apple Bloom couldn't.

Without saying anything, Applejack tossed the strange pink stick to him.

"What this?" He held it up. Judging by his face he instantly recognized whatever it was. He looked shocked.

What is it? Apple Bloom mirrored silently, now engrossed in the drama, whatever it was about. She was worried, but needed to know what she was being worried about.

"Is this...I mean-wha...-you-you're...are you..." Big Mac stammered. Stopping himself, he just looked at their sister, waiting for her to speak.

What? Apple Bloom internally yelled. What is it?

"Yup." Applejack gave a shallow nod, finally raising her eyes to meet his, wiping away a tear. "I'm pregnant."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! It was all Apple Bloom could do to keep from gasping or giving herself away. Her jaw dropped, agape at the news. This was scandalous. She hadn't even known her sister hada special somepony, let alone who it might be.

Big Mac, for his part, was stock still, like a statue, save for a slight trembling in the hoof holding the pregnancy test. "Are...are you sure?"

Another shallow nod from Applejack. "I went through five of the things. I'm sure."

Big Mac cycled through more emotions than he would normally express in any given week, going from shock, to what looked like fear for some reason, to dread, to something upset, then settling on a mix between sorrow and joy.

Apple Bloom, for her part, felt much the same way. She was going to be an aunt. At just shy of fourteen, she wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel, especially judging by the apparent fact that this was happening out of wedlock with whatever stallion her sister was seeing. Gossip in Ponyville certainly wouldn't be charitable.

"How can you be happy?" Applejack snapped, breaking her sister out of her thoughts.

Big Mac was breathing in short little gasps, like he was trying to keep himself from hyperventilating. His smile widened, but it looked forced enough to worry Apple Bloom. Something was very wrong.

"'Cause," he laughed once, but it sounded more like a soft sob, "I...I don't know. Out of everything I could feel, it's the least terrifyin'."

It was like a cork had been popped, and now it was Applejack's turn to sob. Apple Bloom was regretting more and more being here for this moment. To learn she was going to be the aunt of a bastard like this was, to put it mildly, less than ideal. There was no telling how the rest of the family would react, let alone Granny Smith.

"Dammit, Big Mac," her sister's shoulders heaved as she let out a long, sad sigh, like she was deflating, "I can't do this again."

Wait, what. That made no sense. How was there an 'again'. It's not like she already had any nieces or nephews. The gears in her head tried to turn, getting jammed on that nonsensical statement.

Big Mac sat down on the bed beside their sister and wrapped a foreleg around her shoulders, trying his best to comfort her, to be the strong and supportive one. "Sure we can. We'll think of somethin'."

Apple Bloom was touched by how sweet it was of him to immediately assure her that this wasn't a problem she had to face on her own. If there was one thing the Apples valued, it was family. Silently. Apple Bloom pledged to help as best she could when the time came, too. Except, the question remained of what the 'again' was. Did Apple Bloom have some relative that had been given away or adopted out? That wasn't a very Apple thing to do. Maybe the father had kept them, she reasoned, but who was he? Was he keeping her from seeing them? Whoever he was, he must have been an awful pony.

"So," Big Mac spoke up after a few long moments, hesitantly,"how far along are you?"

Applejack didn't even have to think, like the answer was obvious. "Nine weeks."

The filly ran some quick math in her head, thinking back to what the date was nine weeks ago. What was going on, who was where. Anything to give a potential clue as to who her sister's special somepony was. It could be anypony, her mind sifting through the possibilities.

The date clicked in her head. Nine weeks ago, Apple Bloom had a big test to study for, and she'd wanted to ask her sister for help, but she'd gone camping for a week. Yes, camping. A vacation away from the farm. She'd had to ask her brother for help. Wait, no, that wasn't right, because Big Mac had gone camping, too. With Applejack. Just the two of them. On vacation. Far away from anypony else. Alone. Together.

"Things are different this time." Applejack started, desperate for any answer to her problem. "What are we supposed to tell Apple Bloom?"

Big Mac could only shrug, trying to find some measure of levity. It didn't work. "I s'pose tellin' everypony we got another sibling only works once."

The gears finally slid into place, and a very unchildlike utterance almost escaped her lips. Sweet Celestia's shitbiscuits, I'm the bastard.

Apple Bloom didn't hear much of anything that followed after that. Her mind had gone completely numb at this revelation. It was like the entire definition of who she was had suddenly shifted. She just sat there, lost in thoughts she couldn't even begin to process, like her brain's task manager had stopped responding. The filly was vaguely aware of them continuing to talk, but the words didn't penetrate the fog over her mind. They talked, and talked some more. They cried, embraced, shared a very tender unsibling kiss. After what felt like an eternity, they finally filed out of the room.

Only after she was completely, absolutely, positively sure they were gone did Apple Bloom open the closet. Still in a funk, she had just enough mental faculties to bring the oil with her. Not the time for such a surprise. Too many of those today. Sneaking past Bic Mac's room, she heard her two siblings wishing each other a goodnight as they settled in under the same covers. Ignoring that as best she could, Apple Bloom shuffled in a daze out of the house. She had to get away from the house. She had to think, to process, and it was more than obvious that she would not be able to hide the fact that she'd heard everything with it so fresh in her mind.

Without comprehension, and unaware of how much time had passed, she found herself in front of Sweetie Belle's home. The sun was still setting into dusk, so it was not too late yet. Her hoof listlessly knocked on the door, and shortly after her friend answered.

"Hey." She raised an eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

What does one say to something like that? 'Hello, friendpony, I have just discovered that I am the bastard offspring of my siblingparents. May I come in and collapse inside my skull as I try to grasp the deception that is my life? Also, I may have a sibling on the way. I can already hear the sounds of distant banjos foretelling their birth.' Nope. No. Pregerably-preferably not.

Apple Bloom flatly blurted out the only word that came to mind. "Sleepover."

Sweetie Belle looked her over quizzically. "You said that was made up."

"Nnnnnnope." The shocked filly shook her head as thought might might clear it up. Oddly enough, it helped. "Changed my mind."

She shook her head again, as if to rattle the thoughts into place.

"Slllumberparty." It did not help that much, apparently.

"O-kaaaaay." Sweetie Belle replied, confused, but let her friend in.

The next hour blended together, but her friend was able to grasp the painfully obvious fact that something was deeply troubling her. Thankfully, her parents, Hondo Flanks and Cookie Crumbles were unintrusive enough to not notice, the latter giving her a friendly hug in greeting and offering refreshments that were turned down.

As far a sleepovers went, it was completely joyless. She just needed somewhere to go for the night. Anywhere. The treehouse would have been a better option than home, at this point.

As Sweetie Belle laid out a sleeping bag next to her bed, she had to ask, "So, um...whatever it is that's bugging you...you wanna talk about it?"

Apple Bloom opened the pocket of fabric and slid in. She lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling blankly. "I...am Apple Bloom. I am...an apple seed, the seed of an Apple, that....bloomed from an Apple. My family grows apples on the apple farm...and I...am an Apple, that was raised...on the Apple farm."

"Um," Sweetie Belle crawled under her own covers," I don't, really know what to make of that."

"Apples to apples. Dust to dust. From Apples I came, and to the apples I shall retur-"

"Okay, now you're starting to freak me out." Sweetie Belle interrupted.

Apple Bloom stared at the ceiling a minute longer. "I don't want to talk about it after all."

Without explaining further, she curled up on her side. "Goodnight."

Her exhausted mind didn't take long to slip into sleep, sinking out of consciousness. This was not to say that her new baggage from the waking world wasn't able to follow, as if the unpleasant thoughts pursued her.

A thin line of light landed across her brow, filtering into the closet through the slats. Apple Bloom was back home, back in the closet. Well, not really, no. She was aware of herself enough to know she was dreaming. The room outside was closed, the lights out. For the second time, the little filly opened the closet door and slinked out. Her objective was much the same: get out. The hallway was dimly lit by light coming through under the door to Big Mac's room. Something caused her to pause as she snuck by.

The movement of shadows, rhythmically dancing back and forth. The creaking of bedsprings. Tiny, quiet moans. Two voices she knew closely. Against her best judgement to simply run away, Apple Bloom found herself drawing close to the door, if only to peak through the keyhole. Some shred of her hoping she would not see what she knew was happening. Something to deny the truth.

"I would not do that, young filly." The voice caused Apple Bloom to jump, startled. It had not come from any of her family, but from a tall mare, her royal mane flowing in a wind that wasn't there. "To know is one thing, but to see is another entirely."

"L-Luna?!" Apple Bloom shouted, despite herself. "What are you doin' here?"

"You're having a nightmare most unpleasant." Luna explained. "As the kin to one of the elements of harmony, I consider your care highly important. As the princess of the night, I do the same for anypony of such importance."

"Oh, yeah." This was not the first time Luna had visited her in her nightmares, and she'd been very helpful last time. "You visited Sweetie Belle, too, right?"

Luna nodded in the affirmative. "She is also kin to the elements."

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow as she thought a moment. "But wait, what about Scootaloo?"

Luna paused, then shrugged. "She is not kin, but I am prone to boredom, and needed something to pass my time."

Standing tall at her full, regal and royal height, Luna asked. "On to the matter at hand, what troubles you, My Little Pony(tm)?"

There came another series of little chirps and utterances from through the door, grabbing the princess's attention. Pressing her cheek against the door, she peaked through they keyhole, her eyes instantly widening. "Ah, yes. That would do it."

Apple Bloom was filled with a new fear. What would Luna do, knowing this? Would Applejack and Bic Mac be thrown into the depths of Tartarus for their depravity? What would happen to the farm, or to Apple Bloom? How would Granny Smith take all this? A shock like this was liable to kill her outright.

Luna, for her part, kept her cheek against the door, her one open eye twitching back and forth, as if watching something moving back and forth in small, repeated, piston-like movements.

"Please, please don't throw them in jail! Or Tartarus!" Apple Bloom begged, dropping to her knees. "Or jail in Tartarus!"

"While the actions of your kin is most repugnant," Luna finally, mercifully removed her face from the door, looking down at the filly, "for me to cast judgement on them would be somewhat...hypocritical."

Apple Bloom blinked. "Wat."

"Ponies in incestuous houses should not cast moral stones." Luna said.

"Wha-...but-" Apple Bloom tried to piece this puzzle together. The only relative that Luna had was "Celestia?! You and Celestia?! How could you?!"

"And there's the stone." Luna rolled her eyes. "How many immortal god ponies do you know of, little filly? Our options are rather limited. After the first few centuries we got used to it."

"Centuries?!" Apple Bloom balked. If nothing else, this newfound revelation was helping distract her from her own problems. Silver lining. "How long have you two been...um..."

"For a millenia and a half, give or take." Luna answered. "In fact, 'twas a lover's spat that landed me on the moon."

"A MILLENIA AND A HALF?!"

"Give or take." Luna appended. "'Twas my idea in the first place. It took nearly a century to convince my sister. Now, we take turns giving and taking."

"But why couldn't you find a prince or somethin'?" The filly asked.

"She did." Luna sighed, a hint of sadness in her voice. "He was a wonderful stallion, but like all mortals, his time passed. So long ago was this that neither of us can even recall his name or face. Time erases even graves."

The blue princess sat down on the floor, motioning the filly to sit beside her. "Listen, child. The longer you live, the more your perception of time...shifts. For a child, ten minutes in a corner feels like an hour. For an adult, an hour is nothing, just a fraction of a day. For me, a day is something too brief to take note of."

Apple Bloom tried to parse her words. "I don't get it."

"And for the newborn taking their first breath, a day is beyond their comprehension." Luna gave another wistful sigh. "My sister and I. Our lives are an endless procession of new faces. By the time we remember their names, they've grown old and passed on, replaced. 'Tis a waking, ceaseless nightmare. A common pony forgets what they had for breakfast six days ago because it is not important. Not but a month ago I had prepared to visit my favourite library, the Great Library of Marexandria, and as I made my plans, I remembered it had burned down six centuries ago. Today, not even the city remains."

Luna placed a hoof on Apple Bloom's shoulder. "Understand this, little filly. My sister and I are each other's only constants. Who else could we turn to for such comforts."

Apple Bloom weighed these words when the princess spoke again. "Also, we are both very large horses. Even accounting for those in Saddle Arabia, I believe my sister and I are the only ones capable of accommodating the full length of each other's horns."

If Apple Bloom had been drinking anything, she would have performed a comical spit-take. "WHAT?"

"My sister's horn has length," Luna smirked, "but I have girth."

Apple Bloom covered her ears. "I don't need to hear this! Sweet Celestia, I do not need to hear this! My dreams are supposed to be a happy place, and my happy place is burning!"

The royal horse's smirk turned into a lopsided grin. "Yes, she certainly sets my happy place ablaze."

"That's disgustin'!" Applebloom shouted. "You're a-a...a deviant! Siblings should not be doing that! It's-it's just wrong! You, you're-"

"Repugnant?" Luna cut her off, finishing her sentence for her. "Deplorable? Mayhaps morally repulsive? Please, little filly, save your words. Do you really think that in three centuries, as I sit on my sister's head like her personal horn warmer, I'll care for your judgement, let alone remember it? If not for the comfort we provide each other, I would have pointed my horn at my head and pulled the trigger eons ago. Besides, it's not like the two of us can sire any offspring together. That'd be totally weird"

This was too much to take in in a variety of ways. "But why even tell me, then?"

Luna shrugged. "I did say I was prone to boredom. Confession is good for the soul, on occasion and who would believe you? Even if they did, in a generation or three the rumours would die back down again. I'm just here to give advice."

Apple Bloom threw her hooves in the air. "And what does any of that have to do with my family?"

Luna waved one of her forelegs. "Oh, nothing at all. None of my excuses apply here. What your siblings are doing is most fucked up. Absolutely reprehensible, really. This must be blowing your mind right now. It's just that...y'know..."

It now appeared that the regal princess was now at a loss for words, trying to put together the least offensive way to put voice to her thoughts.

"Just what?" Apple Bloom prompted.

Unable to sugarcoat it or perhaps just not bothering, Luna simply asked. "Small filly, art thou retarded?"

"What?" Apple Bloom huffed, offended. "Of all the awful things to say!"

"Do not take it as an insult. Given your parentage, it's a definite possibility." Luna replied, gesturing towards the door, through which the stream of unsettling noises continued. "Did you truthfully never know until now about this?"

Of course she hadn't. "No, I didn't! How would I?"

Luna frowned. "Apple Bloom, if you take your age and subtract the number of years your 'parents' have been dead, you get a negative number. Do you not know how math works? Are numbers am hard?"

And there it was. The answer to a question she'd never even thought to ask. Plopping down on her flank, Apple Bloom stared down at the floor. She did always suck at math. "Wow... just....wow. Maybe I am retarded."

"Hey, Apple Bloom." Luna broke into another grin. "I just realized something funny. Want to hear something funny?"

The filly didn't answer, simply looking back up to meet her eyes, wondering what she could possibly say that she found funny at a time like this.

"You ever notice that your birthday is nine months after Applejack's?" Luna poked an elbow playfully into the child's side. "I wonder what Big Mac gave her. Bet he gave it to her real good."

Tears welled up in her eyes. "Go away. Are you really even Luna?"

The regal horse looked genuinely hurt by his question, giving her next words some more thought. "Seriously, though, look on the bright side. At least your parents aren't dead. That's something, isn't it?"

That thought had never occurred to her. Apple Bloom naturally had no memories of the ponies that she'd previously believed were her parents, but thinking back on how Applejack and Big Mac had always been there for her, she really had parents all along. She just didn't know to use the right words to describe it until now. She's grown up an orphan, not knowing her real parents were right there with her the entire time.

"I guess you're right." Apple Bloom conceded. "That is...somethin'. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it."

"You're going to have to decide." Luna sat down beside her, shifting gears into the more regal princess she was familiar with. "You can either hate them for the lie, and for their horrible, awful actions, and their scandalous, incestuous and repugnant affair, or you can, I don't know, deal with it, or whatever. You still have a sister and brother. You also just so happen to have parents now, too. Applejack always had you, and, I guess, her brother, though I suppose he's more of a brusband. You have to decide if you want to embrace the lie, or let it tear everything apart. I cannot tell you which is better, or even if either one is good at all. The simple fact is that you cannot change what you know, and now that you know, you cannot change these facts. You can only decide how knowing it will change you, and how you confront them. It's a complicated problem, but it really boils down to a simple question: is this worth tearing your family apart over?"

Apple Bloom sniffled, looking up at the princess. "Y'know, you're really bad at this, but, thanks."

Luna scoffed, offended. "Hey, I'm trying. What do you expect me to say for something like this? I'm used to telling kids that the monsters in their closets aren't real, not that they're related and screwing each other."

"I dunno," the filly wiped away a tear, drying her face, "I just figured you'd be a lot better at this, what with the centuries of practice."

Luna stood back up, insulted. "Hey, small pony. Do you know Cookie Crumbles?"

AppleBloom raised an eyebrow. "Sweetie Belle's ma? Yeah. What about her?"

"You like her, right?" Luna asked. "I mean, you think she's nice, right?"

Confused, she allowed the question to nevertheless distract her from her greater problems. "I suppose so. She's decent folk. Why?"

Luna answered simply and directly. "She has a shocking number of wet dreams involving putting her horn up your butt."

Apple Bloom shot to her hooves, standing straight up on all fours. "Why would you tell me that?! Stop it!"

"Because fuck you, that's why." Luna started to hover off the ground, a great wind filling the hallway as the dream began to sunder itself. "Enjoy your sleepovers. Also, butt horning feels pretty good. I'm just sayin', is all, y'know, if you ever get the chance. Maybe wait a few years first, and don't eat any solid foods the day before. Buy gold! Diversify your portfolio!"

Apple Bloom blinked, and opened her eyes. She was back in Sweetie Belle's room. It was morning. What?

Skipping breakfast, Apple Bloom thanked her friend for letting her crash there for the night, and politely excused herself to head back home. As she trudged along, she ruminated over the nuggets of possible wisdom nestled in-between the layers of insanity that was her dream. If she really thought about it, it would be nice having parents. Applejack and Big Mac had always acted more like her parents than anything else. If she looked at it like that, and tried her best to ignore the nature of her parentage, it wasn't like anything really changed at all.

Everything was different, but nothing had really changed.

Arriving at home, she saw Big Mac already hard at work in the barn. Changing course, she trotted over to him.

"Mornin', Apple Bloom," Big Mac greeted her after he finished tossing a bale of hay up into the loft like it was easy and not an impressive show of strength. "Didn't think you'd be back yet. How was yer sleepover."

He was acting so...normal. Like nothing in the world was wrong. It was comforting, somehow.

"Where's Applejack?" The filly asked, noting that his sister wasn't here helping. "She still sick?"

"Nah," he shook his head, "She's feeling better now. I figured I'd let her sleep in, what with it bein' her birthday n' all."

Apple Bloom found herself fidgeting, indecisive, then made to excuse herself to find her alleged sister.

"Hold on." Big Mac called after her. "What's eatin' at you? Somethin' the matter?"

Apple Bloom was worried she might spill the beans right then and there, but there was no sign that Big Mac was worried about anything. He had no way of knowing she knew, at least not unless she let him know she knew. Pondering a moment, she landed on another question.

"How can you tell if Princess Luna actually visits somepony in their dreams?" She asked. "How do you know it wasn't all part of the dream?"

Not questioning where such an inquiry came from just yet, Big Mac gave it some genuine thought, rubbing at his chin. "Well, I don't know. I reckon it depends on the quality of the advice. An immortal and wise princess should have pretty good advice. How consistent the Luna in the dream is with the real one."

He mulled it over a bit more. "But still, I s'pose a pony could dream up the whole thing, and use the excuse that any words of wisdom or ideas weren't really theirs, projecting the responsibility off of themselves, lending credence and authority to an idea by claiming or believing that it came from somepony that outta know better, so if things go well, they were right for listening, but if things go south, it's not really their fault because it wasn't their idea."

Big Mac gave a shrug. "I dunno, I guess. Anything can happen in a dream. Sometimes they're nonsense, and I suppose on occasion they're a chance to speak with a borderline voyeuristic but still benevolent princess. Good lord, I hope they don't teach Twilight how to do that."

"But," Apple Bloom tried not to sound too desperate for an answer, "how can you tell which is which?"

"If the advice is good, does it really matter?" Big Mac asked. "Whether it came from a princess visiting your dreams, or somethin' inside yerself, if the advice still makes sense once you're awake, and it's good, I don't reckon it matters all that much. Even a princess can give bad advice, after all. Like tryin' to buy gold when yer livin' on a farmpony's income, or somethin'. You just gotta mull it over and decide for yourself if it's worth following. Any fool can give advice; it's up to you what you do with it."

Big Mac's words were delivered in a tone that was almost...fatherly. Or perhaps, like a growing child's perception of time, it had always been like that, and all that had changed was the way she looked at it.

"Thanks." The filly managed a shallow smile. "That's probably better advice than I was already thinkin' on. Y'know, you're a lot more talkative when it's convenient."

Big Mac nodded. "Eeee-yes, I am."

She made to leave again, but stopped herself. Instead, she quickly closed the distance with Big Mac and gave him a tight hug. "Love yah."

He ruffled her hair with his big hoof. She could feel his bassey chuckle rumble through his chest. A point of stability to lean on. "You, too, Apple Bloom."

Separating herself, she trotted over to the house, entering the kitchen to find Applejack clearing the table of plates from her late breakfast.

"Oh, hey Sugarcube." She gestured to an open box of pancake mix on the counter top. "Hungry? I can throw a few together if you like."

Apple Bloom shook her head. "No, thanks."

Putting the box away, she wiped down the counter. "I reckoned you wouldn't be home 'til later. Got any plans fer today?"

The conversation was just so normal. Too normal. If she let it, Apple Bloom knew things would stay normal. At least until her sister was far enough along her pregnancy to start showing. Even then, she could simply pretend to believe whatever lie they chose to tell her, just like she'd believed the others. Nothing really had to change. But, for her, everything already had.

Settling her mind and steeling her nerves, the filly dug the little wrapped present out of her saddlebags and held it in an outstretched hoof.

Applejack smiled, taking hold of the offered parcel. "Aww. And what's this, I wonder."

Like she had with Bic Mac, Apple Bloom wrapped her in a tight embrace. Next, she spoke three words. Two of them were expected, given the occasion. The third however, would change everything. She couldn't tell yet if saying it aloud would feel decent, or like the worst thing to ever leave her lips.

"Happy birthday, mom."

Author's Note

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