Spike savored the feeling of the warm sun filtering through the kitchen window as he diligently worked on his morning task. Pulling a lever on the top of the Prench press up and down a few times, he carefully picked up the piping hot cylinder and placed it on an ornate metal tray, next to a few small pieces of fine china.
It was then that the echoing sound of hoofsteps signaled the entry of Princess Twilight Sparkle into the castle kitchen. She looked somewhat dull-colored and disheveled, as was sometimes the case in the morning.
The little dragon picked up the tray and turned to his closest friend, smiling broadly. “Good morning, Twilight! I made you your coffee, just how you like it! The scones should be out of the oven in a few minutes.”
Twilight eyed the tray carefully for a moment. Her horn lit up, her magic lifting the Prench press off of the tray. Then, the magical aura ripped off the top of the press and dumped the scalding contents onto the dutiful assistant.
Spike let out a pitiful yelp and danced from foot to foot, his scales ameliorating what would be a disfiguring injury for a pony into mere transient but severe discomfort. “Twilight,” he cried, his eyes slightly misty, “Why would you…Oh.” Hot coffee still dripping off of him, Spike narrowed his gaze and crossed his arms across his chest. “It’s you.” A scowl spread across his features. “Why do you go out of your way to make my life miserable?”
“Your very existence is an affront to me,” Twilight Sparkle growled, scowling back at the dragon with hatred. The sound of more approaching hoofsteps caused her to whip her neck around toward the kitchen entryway.
“Good morning Spike!” chirped an additional Twilight Sparkle as she entered the kitchen. “I-oh!” Twilight’s eyes flicked back and forth between her clone and her dragon friend, and her face tensed as she put the pieces of the scenario together in her head. “Hey! No!” Using her magic, this new Twilight rolled up a nearby newspaper and briskly struck the other pony multiple times across the face. “Bad evil Twilight! We do not pour coffee onto Spike!”
Twilight’s dastardly twin hissed as she was struck, hunching her body and retreating back into a corner formed by the meeting of two banks of cabinets. “Just you wait,” she sneered, her gaze full of fury. “Soon, I will kill you all and seize power for myself!”
“Well, we’re all waiting for your next attempt with bated breath,” Twilight sighed tiredly, placing the newspaper back on the counter. “Are you okay, Spike?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he responded stoically, tearing some paper towels off of a nearby roll and beginning to clean himself. “Are you sure reforming her is still a good idea, though?”
“Spike,” Twilight lectured in her best admonishing voice, “As we all know, everypony deserves a second chance. It’s cruel not to give them one! As I recall, you almost destroyed the town a few years back.”
Spike snorted, blowing small puffs of smoke out of his nostrils. “Yeah, but I wasn’t repeatedly caught trying to assassinate a Princess of Equestria, either.”
“Well, I-“ Twilight Sparkle cut her response short as she swiftly sidestepped a knife, which barely missed her neck as it flew through the room and lodged itself firmly in the crystal wall of the kitchen. “Hey!” she cried, picking up the newspaper in her magic again and battering Evil Twilight with it. “Bad! Stop it!”
Evil Twilight hissed and shrunk back into her corner again. “You can’t escape me forever!” she threatened.
“No, but I can reform you with the magic of friendship! Guess who is coming to help me do that today?”
A rumbling growl emanated from Evil Twilight as she thought. “Is it the prissy one? No, wait, the insufferable farm yokel? They will be easy to kill!”
“No, no,” Twilight answered, a faint smile beginning to play at her lips. “This pony is a lot more fun!”
Evil Twilight’s eyes widened in terror as she came to a startling realization. “No…No, please…”
“Tell me, evil me, do you like parties?” Twilight asked.
“No! Not the pink one!” Evil Twilight begged, cowering in her corner.
“Did I hear my name!?” Pinkie Pie cried, bursting out of a cabinet immediately to the left of Evil Twilight and eliciting a terrified shriek from her. “Hi Evil Twilight! Great scream, let me try: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Pinkie Pie fell on her back in a fit of snorts and giggles. “That was fun!” Still supine, she craned her neck backward to make eye contact with the others. “Hi Regular Twilight! Hi Spike! Sorry I’m late!”
“You’re juuuuuust in time,” Spike assured her, clearly relishing his assailant’s terror.
Hopping back to her hooves, Pinkie Pie grabbed Evil Twilight’s hoof and began dragging her out of the kitchen. “Come on, Evil Twilight! Regular Twilight says we get to spend the entire day together having fun and becoming better friends! Do you like parties? Oh, oh! What about cake, do you like cake? Let’s make a cake!”
Evil Twilight stared soullessly forward as Pinkie Pie pronked joyously around Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen collecting ingredients and bowls, her hatred overwhelmed by her sheer suffering at the hooves of the monstrous baker pony.
“La-la-la-la-la-la-la!” Pinkie Pie sang, carefully putting down what she had collected onto the kitchen’s central island. “Okay Evil Twilight, what kind of cake should we bake together? There’s all sorts of kinds! vanilla, chocolate, choco-vanilla, vanilla-chocolate, strawberry, strawberry-jalapeno-“
Pinkie Pie’s list was like a searing drill carving through the base of Evil Twilight’s skull, and only when the drill finally broke through did Pinkie’s voice fade away into an ever-present buzzing.
Then, slowly, Evil Twilight felt her lips curl into a smile. At first, she thought that maybe ‘friendship’ had finally gotten to her, causing a pang of fear to grip her chest. Then, slowly, the fear subsided as the evil scheme her mind had passively concocted in the background came into view. The smile grew. “Actually…”
Pinkie Pie’s blue eyes shimmered with anticipation as she drew closer. “Yes!?”
“I think I’d like to bake an almond cake,” Evil Twilight stated calmly, an eerie smile still plastered on her muzzle.
“Ooooohhhh, I haven’t baked an almond cake in a loooooooong time!” Pinkie Pie declared. “What a great idea!”
“You aren’t allergic to tree nuts, are you?” Evil Twilight asked.
“Nope! Why do you ask?”
“Oh, I’m just showing concern for a dear friend’s health, is all.”
Pinkie Pie’s grin grew exponentially. “Awww! I told Regular Twilight that you were a wonderful, sweet pony at heart, but she didn’t want to hear it! Can you believe that?’
Evil Twilight nodded. “Oh, yes, I can. My template has a lot of anger issues she has to work through.”
Pinkie Pie pursed her lips and nodded emphatically before sassily waving her hoof around in the air. “You said it, sister!”
“Still, let’s not use any actual almonds in the cake, just in case somepony with an allergy wants to eat some!”
Pinkie Pie gripped her barrel with a hoof. “Ah! So considerate! But, wait…How will we make an almond cake without almonds!”
“Easy!” Evil Twilight projected triumphantly. “We use artificial flavoring!” Her horn lit up, and a second later a small, brown glass container full of powder magically popped into existence on the counter in front of them.
Pinkie Pie cooed in delight and nabbed the bottle as she read the label. “So-dee-uhm Sigh-an-eye-d,” she sounded out carefully. “Classic science-y Twilight stuff! I’m so glad I have two almost identical friends that understand these things!” Unscrewing the bottle, she took a sniff. “Oh wow! That really smells like almonds!”
“Go ahead and have a taste, I’m sure you’ll like it,” Evil Twilight encouraged, rubbing her hooves together in a wicked manner.
“Okay!” Pinkie Pie rolled her tongue out between her teeth and began to slowly insert it into the jar, pushing it closer and closer to the powder at the bottom.
Suddenly, the saloon doors to the kitchen burst open, and Mrs. Cake stumbled inside quickly, haphazardly dumping several bags of groceries on the island. “Pinkie Pie,” she panted. “I’m sorry to ask this, but could you and Princess Twilight find someplace else to do whatever you’re doing?”
Pinkie Pie removed her tongue from the jar and smiled at her boss and landlady. “Silly Mrs. Cake, this isn’t Princess Twilight! This is Evil Twilight!”
Mrs. Cake blinked rapidly several times and shook her head violently. “Whatever, dear. We have a huge order that needs to be done by tomorrow, and I need the kitchen now if we have any chance of getting it done on time.”
“Drat,” Evil Twilight seethed as Pinkie Pie pulled her out of the kitchen by the tail. “I was on the verge of greatness! I was this close!”
“I know!” Pinkie Pie agreed after spitting the other pony’s tail out of her mouth. “That hypoallergenic almond cake would have been great! Hey, since we can’t bake anymore, do you want to go play some pranks on Fluttershy?”
“No!” spat Evil Twilight. “I don’t wa- Actually…” Evil Twilight brought a hoof to her muzzle before her devilish grin returned. “That sounds like so much fun, Pinkie. Let’s go.”
“Hooray!” Pinkie Pie cheered, pronking along as she led the way out of the bakery and into the sunny streets of Ponyville. “Pranks are a great way to get your friends to laugh and smile!”
“And scream in agony!” Evil Twilight agreed.
“What?”
“…What?”
Lying prone in a bush next to Pinkie Pie, Evil Twilight slowly lowered her infrared binoculars. “I don’t get it. There’s two ponies in that cottage, and they’re both just sitting there, not doing anything.”
Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “She’s probably having tea time with evil me,” she sighed. “Evil me hates fun, so it’s the perfect activity for her. Fluttershy is my friend, and I love her lots, but she’s suuuuuuper boring,” she admitted through the side of her mouth. “They’re a perfect match.”
“So, what is our plan?” Evil Twilight asked, giddy with anticipation. “Set fire to the kindling and burn the dwelling to the ground? Poison the creek so dead fish wash up on shore and putrefy the area? Kidnap one of her precious little animals and hold it hostage until she comes to us begging for mercy and crying like the miserable mare-child she is?”
“Ehhhhh,” Pinkie equivocated. “Maybe…I was thinking more along the lines of startling them with an airhorn, or sneaking in and putting a whoopie cushion on the couch?”
Evil Twilight bit her lips, seemingly confused. “Alright…What type of plastic explosive would we put in the whoopie cushion?”
“Hey!” a raspy voice interjected from above.
The two pranksters, startled, turned their muzzles up to catch a glimpse of a prismatic mane and a scowling blue face. “What’s the big idea? Some ponies are trying to nap, ya know! You mind shutting those fat traps of yours?”
Pinkie Pie rolled onto her back and waved up at the new arrival. “Hi, Evil Rainbow Dash! I didn’t know you were out here sleeping in Fluttershy’s tree!”
The tired mare just scowled back. “Pinkie, I’m not evil me! I’m good me!”
“What’s the racket? Do you three mind shutting up?” another blue face appeared next to Rainbow Dash’s, scowling just the same. “When I agreed to a ‘reformation nap’ in this tree, I didn’t sign up for this garbage!”
“Oh! Hi, actual Evil Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie Pie waved again. “Sorry for being loud, we’re just planning out our prank on Fluttershy and evil me!”
Regular Rainbow Dash’s ears perked up immediately, even as her doppelganger’s expression remained unchanged. “Prank? I love pranks!” Smiling, she leaped out of the tree and glided down to the two ponies on the ground. “Why wasn’t I invited? Hey, evil me, come on down here! You’ll like this, I promise!”
Evil Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and groaned audibly. “Whatever,” she relented as she rolled out of the tree and lazily flew to join the others.
“Okay, so what’s the plan? Kidnap one of her animals, reduce her to begging and tears?”
Pinkie Pie furrowed her brow. “Evil Twilight already brought that up…What is with that idea? I thought you were better than that, Evil Rainbow Dash.”
“Still me,” the suggestor replied, indicating she was the non-evil form of the pony in question.
“I’m starting to get confused,” Evil Rainbow Dash offered. “Can I go back to sleep?”
“Not until we destr- I mean, prank Fluttershy!” Evil Twilight said.
The statement was followed by a deep, hateful growl.
“Wow, Evil Twilight, I didn’t know you could growl like that!”
“Well, I can, but that wasn’t me.” Evil Twilight cocked an eyebrow as she thought about the situation, but was jerked out of her concentration as another deep growl echoed through those assembled.
Slowly, the four ponies turned around and were faced with the imposing figure of a brown bear, standing tall on his back legs and glowering down at the comparatively miniscule ponies.
“Hi, Harry the Bear!” Pinkie Pie greeted.
Harry raised one claw in a bemused greeting but continued to scowl.
“Whaaaaat?” Pinkie Pie continued in her coyest prose. “We’re just meeting outside of Fluttershy’s cottage to plan a happy surprise for her!”
Harry crossed his arms and deepened his scowl.
Pinkie Pie groaned. “Okay, fine, we won’t prank Fluttershy today, I Pinkie Promise!”
“No, no, no! Are you kidding me?” Evil Twilight seethed. She bared down in a crouch and lit up her horn. “Nocreature is going to stop me from achieving my goal: the complete and total destruction of all the goody two-shoes in this town, starting with the yellow mute! Nocreature!”
Evil Twilight’s horn buzzed to life and shot a beam into Harry the Bear, which harmlessly transformed into butterflies as it hit his coat.
“What!?” cried the assailant, shooting another lavender bolt which harmlessly cascaded down the bear’s rough fur like rainwater off of a poncho. “What is happening!?”
“Uh, Evil Twilight?” Pinkie Pie offered.
“Not now!” The next bolt transformed into sour gummy worms and fell harmlessly to the ground.
“I think there actually is one creature that can stop us from pranking Fluttershy…”
Freezing, Evil Twilight glanced up at Harry, who smugly pointed behind her. When she looked over her shoulder, she found a new creature standing in much the same manner as the bear. He was tall, appeared to have a body composed of all sorts of different animals, and-
“Oh…Heck!” Evil Twilight cursed, stamping her hoof on the ground in indignation.
“Woah, woah, woah,” Evil Rainbow Dash interjected. “I know we’re the bad ponies, but let’s watch the language. There’s no need for that.”
Evil Twilight practically dragged herself through the streets of Ponyville, her head almost scraping the ground as she led the rag-tag pony convoy through the town.
“Cheer up, Evil Twilight!” Pinkie Pie chirped. “I just know that Rarity will help us find something fun to do!” She looked around furtively. “She’s really rich now because she owns like a dozen boutiques,” she whispered loudly and raspily. “We can use that to our advantage.”
“I don’t care anymore,” Evil Twilight groaned. “I want the memory of this day to be wiped from my mind.”
“Come on, it wasn’t that bad when Discord magically shoved the explosive whoopie cushion up- “
“Not another word about that!” Evil Twilight barked, the fur on her hindquarters still blackened and smoking from the resultant detonation.
Rainbow Dash chuckled obnoxiously. “Just don’t eat anything spicy for a few days, and you’ll be fine,” she snickered before being silenced by a petrifying glare.
“I’m tiiiiiiired,” Evil Rainbow Dash whined. “Can I go sleep soon?”
“Riiiiiiiiight after we all have some wholesome fun with Rarity’s money and connections!” Pinkie Pie chirped. “Hey, are those the Applejacks? Hi, Regular and Evil Applejacks!”
“Howdy, Pinkie Pie,” Applejack greeted in return as she and her doppelganger approached, headed in the opposite direction with each of them hitched to an apple cart. “What are ya’ll up to?”
“We’re heading to Rarity’s!” Pinkie Pie answered. “Do you know if she’s there?”
“She, uh, just left. Yeah, that’s it!” Evil Applejack answered. “No, wait- she’s been dead for eight years, and ya’ll’ve just been talking to a figment of yer imagination shaped by yer guilt over failing to prevent her death!”
“Aw man, really? That sucks,” Rainbow Dash pouted. Beside her, her evil counterpart shrugged indifferently.
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Don’t listen to her. We just saw Rarity five minutes ago; she should still be at her boutique.” She turned her attention to her evil twin. “As for you, git movin’! I ain’t paying you so that you can sit on yer flank lyin’ all day!”
“You ain’t paying me nothing!” Evil Applejack protested.
“Aha!” Applejack crooned. “I just got you to tell the truth!”
“N-no,” came the reaction. “I just…I…” Evil Applejack scrunched up her muzzle and threw her morally neutral hat on the ground in anger. “Consarnit! You bamboozled me!”
Applejack let out a series of deep, victorious guffaws. “Nothin’ ever beats the original, y’hear?”
“Actually,” Evil Twilight began to unnecessarily interject, “Evil Applejack used a double negative in that sentence, which means that, technically, she was still lying.”
Evil Applejack’s eyes widened as she processed the new information, and a second later it was her turn to laugh heartily in celebration.
Applejack scrunched up her muzzle and also threw her morally neutral hat on the ground. “Dagnabit!” she yelled, stomping in anger. “She hornswoggled me!”
The group said their goodbyes to the working ponies and pressed on across the town. “I’m proud of you, Evil Twilight,” Pinkie Pie stated in approval, giving her ‘friend’ a hat on the head.
“Why is that?” she deadpanned back.
“You’ve made such great progress since you tried to help Chrysalis take over Equestria and attempted to defile our nation’s most powerful and sacred site! First, you started showing how much you care about ponies with almond allergies, and just now you corrected Applejack’s grammar just like Regular Twilight would have done- without a single assassination threat!”
“Th-that’s not true!” Evil Twilight responded, racking her brain as quickly as she could for evidence to the contrary. “I warned her that I would keep her skull as a trophy…d-didn’t I?”
The group arrived at Rarity’s boutique some minutes later. Pinkie Pie haphazardly threw open the door and entered. “Raaaaaaaaarity, I’m here with Rainbow Dash and some of our evil friends! Can we have some bits, pretty please?”
“Hold on, darling!” Rarity sing-songed from upstairs. “I’m coming!”
A moment later, Rarity appeared on the stairs in all her majesty. She sashayed down towards the group with a friendly smile, lighting up her horn to pull her checkbook out of her bag. “Hello my dears! How much would you like this time, Pinkie Pie?”
“Five thousand will be more than enough,” she answered with a broad smile.
Rarity began scribbling on a check. “Look at you all, having fun together as if none of you were summoned clones composed of pure evil!” she praised.
Evil Rainbow Dash leaned over to the others. “Wait…she’s so rich she’ll just give us free money for no reason?” she asked in a hushed whisper.
“Uh, duh,” Rainbow Dash responded, rolling her eyes. “She’s the element of generosity, remember?”
Evil Twilight frowned. “I was under the impression that all positive virtues were destroyed along with the Tree of Harmony.”
Rainbow Dash’s smug grin melted away. “Really? Aw, man…That sucks!”
Rarity tore the check from her book and floated it toward Pinkie Pie, folding it in half and sticking it in her mane. “There you are, dear! Don’t spend it all in one place! Or, do, it’s not as if I care. I picked the right time to get into real estate in Mareami Beach, after all.”
“Thanks! Hey, where is Evil Rarity?” Pinkie Pie asked, craning her neck around the boutique. “Didn’t Twilight say you were supposed to be in charge of reforming her?”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “I have completely given up on that one. Starlight Glimmer found a way to keep her entertained inside of a closet in the School of Friendship’s basement.” She waved her hoof dismissively. “She told me about it, once; a ‘distraction contraption’ composed of a cubic zirconia necklace and a ceiling fan, or some such nonsense. I am still pulling my weight, however: I have taken Evil Fluttershy under my metaphorical wing, and she is an absolute godsend! She’s upstairs right now finishing my winter line; a fabulous little set of ensembles, if I do say so myself. Mink ushankas, beaver parkas, and some stunning boots lined with the warmest fox pelts on the market. She loves to work with fur!” Rarity placed a hoof under her chin and gazed off in thought. “I’m not sure why…” she mused absentmindedly.
“Hey everypony,” a familiar voice called. Spike entered the boutique’s foyer from the direction of the living space’s kitchen. “I have that tea you asked for, Rarity,” he gushed. “I also brought some cups to share with our guests!” Spike narrowed his eyes at Evil Twilight, who glowered back at him.
“Oh, how thoughtful, Spikey-poo! I don’t know what I’d ever do without you.”
Those assembled used their hooves and horns to each take a teacup.
“I propose, a toast to friendship!” Rarity beamed. She sipped daintily at her cup. “My goodness, I knew I made the right decision buying those endangered leaves, this is simply marvelous!”
Grinning wickedly, Evil Twilight shifted her eyes around the room to make sure she wasn’t being observed. When she was confident she wasn’t, she quickly dumped hot liquid on Spike for the second time that day.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” he cried, falling to the floor. Immediately aware of the perpetrator, he pointed an accusatory claw in her direction. “Really!? Again!?”
Rarity slid to the floor. “Spike-Wikey! Are you alright!?” Her eyes misty, she laid a series of doting kisses on his cheeks.
The pain eventually subsided, and Spike melted under the barrage of kisses. “Heheheh…I mean, ow,” he corrected himself.
Rarity stood to her full height and turned slowly to face Evil Twilight. She stared darkly at her. “Spikey…Was this the one?”
“That’s her, alright,” Spike answered truthfully, his patience with his unwelcome houseguest entirely elapsed.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Evil Twilight lied, grinning madly. “After all, what reason would I have to- “
Evil Twilight was interrupted by a sickening crunch as a solid mannequin surrounded by a blue magical aura slammed into her from above, indenting her body into the boutique’s hardwood flooring.
“You ruffian! No one hurts my dear Spikey-Wikey like that!” Rarity slammed the mannequin again. “Get out of my boutique!” Another cycle of slamming followed.
“She’s gone mad!” Rainbow Dash cried.
“Let’s hightail it out of here,” her evil twin agreed, speeding for the door.
“Uh, Rarity?” Pinkie Pie cut in.
“Not now, darling, I’m dealing with a little bit of a problem,” Rarity responded in a very dignified manner.
The lull in the action had allowed for a groaning Evil Twilight to raise herself halfway to a standing position, before the mannequin came down with ferocious force once more. Pinkie Pie looked on, only mildly concerned. “I just wanted to make sure you knew that she can’t leave your boutique if you keep smushing her like that,” she stated matter-of-factly.
A high-pitched creaking that signaled the opening of the castle’s main doors caused Twilight Sparkle’s ears to perk up. Putting down her quill next to the parchment she was scribbling on, she turned around in her chair and faced the entryway to the library.
Soon, a crumpled, shuffling mass was visible in the primary foyer. It limped its way into the castle library and towards the Princess of Friendship.
“There’s my favorite vardøger,” Twilight greeted with a faint but satisfied smile. “How was your day learning about the magic of friendship with Pinkie Pie?”
Evil Twilight stopped limping forward, and merely stood in place wavering from side to side. “I don’t…I don’t want to be evil anymore. It hurts too bad.” she slurred, evidently so unstable on her hooves that she began leaning on a nearby bookshelf for support.
“Well, that’s great news!” Twilight exclaimed, clopping her hooves together. “I knew spending time with Pinkie Pie would be…” She carefully eyed the obvious cuts and bruises scattered over her doppelganger’s body. “…Effective.”
Evil Twilight fell into a coughing fit and tried to not think about the taste of blood that followed it.
Arching an eyebrow, Twilight stood up and took a few steps toward the haggard pony. “Well, I’m sure you’ll enjoy your session with Pinkie Pie next week, too.”
Evil Twilight let out a pitiful little whine that came dangerously close to sobbing territory. “I’ll be a good pony, I promise.”
“You, uh, don’t look so good. Maybe you should take a seat on the couch?”
“I can’t,” Evil Twilight rasped, now leaning on the bookshelf at almost a forty-five-degree angle. “I think the butt burns caused all the skin on my flanks to slough off.”
Twilight pursed her lips, clearly concerned. “Can I get you a glass of water, maybe?”
“No, no…I’m mmmmmk,” came the babbling response, followed a few seconds later by a soft thud as Evil Twilight finally lapsed out of consciousness and hit the floor.
Twilight looked at the semi-comatose form crumpled on the floor of the library, and briefly considered calling the hospital. “Eh, I’ll let her sleep it off.” She returned to her chair and picked her quill up in her magic again. “After all, friendship is hard, sometimes. It’s better she learns that now.”
Author's Note
Headcanon: Evil Twilight is made of Phazon.
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