Hadrian the Pothead Prince

by Pootie D. Trillist

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Discord, Princess Celestia
Length: 19964

Celestia has some explaining to do when the world finds out that she has a 19 year old son

Zebrafarians are loyalists of the Old Zebra Kingdom who are known for a few weird ways... including the use of herb smoking in meditation. Before the fall of the Zebra Kingdom, the ambassador (a half unicorn/half zebra) just so happens to get lucky with none other than the most powerful pony to ever live, Princess Celestia. Albeit the two share a lot in common, their relationship cannot be because of Celestia's position of power. After going through great lengths to hide their love child from the world, a powerful and malicious cult ruins Celestia's image by leaking the story to the world as a part of a much larger evil scheme.
Now it is up to Hadrian, the youngest alicorn alive, to save the world... but will our pot smoking zebrafarian friend have what it takes?

Published 2012-08-09 20:24:07 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-09 20:24:07 UTC

Chapter 1

Disgrace

Celestia swooped into her castle from her morning trip to raise the sun, landing perfectly on the balcony. She walked gracefully inside, greeted by her servants who politely asked for her breakfast request. She walked to Luna's bedroom to find her sister asleep from her previous night's work, snoring loudly. Luna did an excellent job making the night spectacular, but any time the younger sister wasn't working, she was getting sauced at a cocktail party.

Celestia chuckled at the memory of her sister coming in wearing a lampshade over her head and screaming before making her way down a long corridor. This hallway was closed to every pony except for a few of Celestia's most trustworthy servants, and according to Equestrian officials, did not exist. She made her way to a room with an old zebra kingdom flag draped over the door, and smoke seeping out of the cracks.

She threw open the door and furiously screamed, "Damn it Hadrian how many times have I told you to take that crap outside!"

To this the pony fell from his peaceful floating meditation and landed with a hard thud on the wood floor. The residual magic left the room, only leaving smoke of a very unique odor. "Geez mom, can't you see that I am in the middle of some zebrafarian meditation," the perturbed pony picked himself up, speaking softly so as to not offend his mother, "this has been an important part of my life since I was a foal." He was brown, with some lighter shades, and a few stripes that most ponies would never notice without looking very closely. His wings were strong, his horn was powerful, and to the world his existence was officially a secret.

"I understand, but that herb you love so much smells terribly, and as accepting as our society is ponies just don't like potheads," Celestia tried to reason, calming herself down to do so, "last thing we need is for royalty to be associated with something unfavorable, there are extremists out there looking for an excuse to jump into action."

"Like anyone is going to topple the most powerful regime in the world over a strange smell in your castle," Hadrian gave his mother a dirty look, "maybe if you had some you wouldn't be so quick to judge."

"We have been over this before, I will not smoke with you," Celestia began to raise her voice again, "now take that crap outside and light some damn incense."

"Fine, but one of these days you will," Hadrian smiled as he magically cleared away the smoke.

In an old abandoned temple on the outskirts of Mt. Canterlot, sat a group of hooded ponies, all of amazing wealth and power. Their leader sat on top of a platform, looking down at his dozen or so followers. "Ponies I have called you here because it is time for another revolution," he shouted to the group. "The zebras were easy, a few spells and their strong, intelligent wills were crushed under the might of our whim. The griffons were an utter failure. But with the constellations aligning just right a mass chaos spell should do the trick with these ponies."

"But great leader," one of the followers looked up, "we should try to gradually unleash the chaos bit by bit, all at once would backfire like the Manticore revolt. Sure it was fun to watch but every single Manticore in their kingdom died by each other's paws, but your grandfather turned a brilliant race of beings into mindless killing machines."

"Excellent point sister," the leader responded, "my mass chaos spell will only affect certain ponies at certain times, culminating in a bloody revolt, leading into chaos upon chaos. Just as the founder of our group would have wanted."

"But what of the elements of harmony?" one of the ponies asked, "they are constantly getting in the way of our evil fun."

"Oh once the crime rate doubles and rogue groups of pony gangs are running around, 6 murders will be nothing except for fuel to our fire." The leader of the cult chuckled, his spy had worked for Celestia inside the palace for 5 years and had given him some very useful information. The destruction of Equestria would be all too easy.

"Tomorrow night is the full moon, so prepare the artifacts and bring them to me," he screamed, "The chaos will start tomorrow and build into something truly great."

"Greed is magic," the small crowd chanted back, "all hail the new pony order."

"And advise the spy to leak the story two days from now," the leader instructed, "for a disgrace to the royalty will be the perfect spark to our magical powder keg."

Two days later, Celestia started off her morning like any other. She raised the sun and sent out an order to weather teams to allow the temperature to become fairly warm so as to melt the stale snow which had accumulated for weeks in the cold. Celestia never really cared for the winter, but it was a vital part to the cycle of life in the Equestrian climate.

Her servants appeared nervous upon her landing in the castle, but she ignored it as she requested chocolate chip waffles and a cup of coffee for her breakfast along with the morning paper to read. Some of the servants winced at this request, but Celestia didn't pay attention as she walked down the hallway to her son's room. Hadrian was awake early as usual, his room always smelled of herbs but today he was studying, the works of Starswirl the Bearded in particular. They had a pleasant discussion on the applications of liquid rainbows as firearms, and as a medicine which could possibly cure cutie cancer. She loved her son's ingenuity, something he picked up from her side of the gene pool, and his remarkable compassion for other ponies which could have come from either side.

She made her way to the kitchen where breakfast was waiting for her. "Those waffles smell divine," she remarked as she took a sip of coffee, "now if one of you could bring me the Canterlot Gazette I requested it would be appreciated."

"Don't do it," one of the servants shouted to the other, "the princess has no need to see such slander."

"But she must know," the other servant shouted back, "she should address the public to avoid uproar."

"No the best thing to do is don't let her see it," shouted a third one, "if the public thinks she's ignoring the story it will just go away."

Celestia heard this from the kitchen and screamed to the servants, "I demand you stop bickering like foals and bring me my bucking paper!"

To this a servant with a grim look on his face respectfully bowed his head and presented her with the Canterlot Gazette. She took one glimpse at the cover story and suppressed the urge to cry as the front page read:

CELESTIA'S BASTARD SON; DISGRACE OF CANTERLOT

She threw down the paper and left the room, missing another story about a strange green glow seen in the Everfree Forrest as she went to tell her son what had happened.

"Hadrian its horrible," she cried as she walked into the Prince's room, "they call you a bastard, a disgrace. They say you're a pothead and that I have hid you from the world in my shame. I'm so sorry but you were never supposed to be found out like this."

"Mom it's ok," Hadrian looked up from his book to console his mother, "it doesn't matter what they think about me, they love you, you are their immortal princess, raiser of the sun, protector of the weak."

"But now they will never accept you as the true royalty you are," Celestia explained, "and it's all my fault that this happened to begin with."

"I think we just need a press conference," Hadrian proposed, "I will dress well and make a statement, you can make a speech, and Aunt Luna can give a speech on your behalf. One little thing like this won't lead to a full scale revolt."

Later that day a sudden spark of crime in Manehattan surprised Equestria. Some of the Canterlot elites blamed Celestia, calling her weakness the reason for the madness. Her press conference was attended by every pony journalist in Equestria, from the Ponyville Chronicle to Fillydelphia Times. The Princess Luna was the first to speak, lightening up the tension in the crowd with a very well prepared speech.

"We just knocked it out of thyne ball park," Luna claimed as she walked back inside, "Servants, fetchith me and my nephew thyne tastiest hot chocolate so as to make his voice crisp for the podium."

"A warm beverage will do the trick," Hadrian's personal assistant Zecaya responded to the request, "I will have the chef make two up quick." Before Zecaya even left the room, a servant who seemed slightly off came back in carrying a tray of snacks and two hot chocolates, which Luna dug into. "You shouldn't trust that unicorn, I can see lies within her horn," Zecaya stared down the servant as she spoke.

"Relax young zebra for my sister hath the best judgment in all the land and would never hire an undesirable," Luna responded, taking a sip of her drink.

Hadrian took a long sip of his, and immediately knew something was wrong after he swallowed. A strange feeling came over him as his mom walked off the stage to the sound of respectful applause. Her heartfelt apology had resonated with the crowd, leaving them ready for Hadrian.

"I don't think I can do this," the prince looked at his mom as she walked inside, "I just felt my stomach tighten up, and my head is spinning."

"Hadrian it is too late now," Celestia replied, "you must address your fellow ponies."

Hadrian turned to protest, only to be cut off by Luna, who shoved him outside to the podium. "Gettith thyne arse out there," she playfully teased, completely unaware of what she had just done.

Hadrian's head was swimming, he hadn't spoken to a group since he was a colt in the zebra kingdom, and never one this large. He could feel his head swimming, his stomach churning, and his vision becoming blurred as he walked up to the microphone. "My fellow eeEquestrians I-I-I ha-have come b-b...." he began to speak only to be cut off by his own vomit suddenly coming out from inside of him and projecting onto a few of the Canterlot elites below him. He shook as the crowd began to jeer and throw things. He suddenly lost control of his balance, falling from the podium and landing in the bushes completely unconscious. As the palace staff rushed out to help him, no one noticed Princess Luna unconscious in the waiting room.

"Whether you think you were drugged or not the elites have rejected you," stated Princess Celestia, "they used the opportunity to not only slander you, but to also add further damage to my reputation and that of your Aunt Luna."

"Celestia please the fault is not on him," Zecaya explained, "the group who overthrew the zebras is active again."

"It's true, the look in that servant's eyes when she served me and Luna hot chocolate, it was the same one in the eyes of the zebra who killed my father," Hadrian added, "the eyes become dim and dull as a part of the spell, it's like something in an ancient spell book."

"I don't care, this isn't the point here," Celestia explained, "as much as it pains me to do this tomorrow we must send you away. I know you are not ready for all of this but there is only one place in Equestria where the loyalty to me is not being questioned, and that place is Ponyville."

"But Ponyville is a city with no class or culture," Hadrian wined, "I'd rather go back to the Zebras."

"Hadrian the zebras are still unstable," Celestia explained, "it will be years before it is safe for a pony to return there."

"I have a sister with whom he can stay," Zecaya stated, "she's outside of Ponyville and out of the way."

"Perfect, thank you Zecaya," Celestia was pleased, "and my number one student from the academy is the city's librarian, so she will be a good contact and sure to indulge in intellectual conversation as well. She is really quite brilliant."

"I will only do it if Luna will be the pony to watch my bong." Hadrian begrudgingly stated.

The next evening Twilight Sparkle came to the palace, accompanied by Rarity who had come to Canterlot on business. Twilight was a little perturbed by the request of her mentor, but anything for the princess who had treated her like family for years. They walked down the hallway that was no longer a secret, to the bedroom of the Prince while Twilight Sparkle scowled, keeping her head turned away from the Princess, who was telling her entire family history to Twilight based on the portraits hanging in the hall.

"Oh and that is my great grandfather Sun Tzu, the first general to unite all of Equestria into one land, he also invented the immortals crown, and used all of his magic to allow my grandfather to use it. Unfortunately my grandfather was a little bit psychotic and allowed challengers to attack him. The reason Discord got the crown initially was because he was the fourth pony to kill another and earn the crown, his name was Herod back then and he was quite handsome, initially really didn't do a bad job either. Then of course my father killed him and he was brought back as a monster with nearly unlimited power, but hey it happens."

"Then we all know you fought hundreds as a filly and somehow defeated Discord with the magic of love," Twilight sneered at her mentor, "we have all heard the story."

"You make the harrowing tale of my rise to power sound like a crappy knockoff," Celestia stated, surprised by Twilight's response, "you do realize that I..."

"Saved Equestria from countless invasions with your bare hooves, yeah I have heard every story either from you or one of the many many biography's about you," Twilight stated coldly, "can we please just get this thing going."

"You know if you don't want to do this its ok," Celestia calmly spoke to her student, "I can understand you being upset about me inconveniencing your plans and research, but you agreed to help my son in Ponyville."

"It's not that," Twilight began but stopped.

"I knew something was wrong," Celestia looked at her pupil with concern, "do you want to tell me?"

"It's, just, well, umm that time of the month I guess," Twilight lied

"I have known you for a decade Twilight, your time of the month was two weeks ago, you're at the opposite time of the month, what has you so upset that you feel the need to lie to me?"

"Well I just hate to think of you being a tramp," Twilight said with tears welling up in her eyes, "you and the ambassador, he wasn't even a pony, he was a half pony half zebra. And that son of yours is trying to sabotage you, he's no good and I know it, please don't make me be the pony that put the dagger in your back."

"Twilight darling he is my flesh and blood, he harbors no ill will, and his collection of literature has books so rare your library could only dream of it." Celestia put her front hoof under Twilight's chin and tilted her head up so as to look her dead in the eye, "you are the only pony who I can trust as much as one of my own, but he is my own, and there have been a few times where I might not have made it without him."

They walked to Hadrian's Door where music was playing softly on the other side. "But Celestia he's a herb smoker, and herb is the gateway to pony hell."

"That's all superstition, and he's zebrafarian so his opinion is opposite from you dear," Celestia stated as she paused to open the door, "you really have a lot to still learn dear student."

Celestia pushed open the door to Hadrian sitting in a smoke filled room, reading The Requisites of Herbal Magic by Starswirl the bearded. "How many times have I told you..." Celestia began

"To take this crap outside I know, I know, but don't you think this is the least of our problems right now," Hadrian interrupted.

"How dare you back talk the Princess," Twilight raised her voice at the young alicorn, "I don't care who you are no pony talks to Celestia in that way."

"She's my mother and we were about to have an argument," Hadrian stared at the purple unicorn with disgust, "and who gave you the right to talk to a prince in that manner? In some cultures they would behead you for your insolence."

"Well this is my mentor, and I have too much love and respect to see someone walk all over her." Twilight retorted.

"I understand but she is my mother, and as much love and respect as I have for her I am still allowed to argue occasionally," Hadrian started to become angry.

"Well that stuff will kill you," Twilight sneered, "you will get cancer and have a horribly painful death."

"As an alicorn, even without the immortals crown I live 3 times as long as a normal pony," Hadrian began to tease, "so even if I get terminal cutie cancer and die an incredibly early death I will still outlive you by nearly a lifetime."

"Lazy stupid stoner bastard!" Twilight shouted at the prince.

"Fat purple mule!" Hadrian shouted back.

"I'm the daughter of two unicorns with no nonponie roots, you are a quarter zebra which is worse than a mule," Twilight tried to gain the upperhoof.

"I have wings, AND a horn, I'm next in line for the throne," Hadrian laughed, "you cannot touch me without your hoof being cut off for insubordination."

"You son of a..." Twilight was cut off.

"Before anypony says something he or SHE is going to regret later," Celestia stared at Twilight who was about to give a direct insult to the Princess without even realizing it, "I propose you two split up for now and ignore each other until you get to Zecora's house Ok?"

The agreement was reached, Twilight tried to apologize to the Princess while Hadrian packed his things. The Princess accepted Twilight's apology in return for her checking on Hadrian while he was in Ponyville and sending status updates. Twilight begrudgingly agreed.

"Oh darling it was ever so divine," Rarity mused, "Fancy Pants helped me start up a franchise today so now there will be Carousel boutiques in every city in Ponyville by next year. And of course that lovely Flur he's always with requested a custom made dress today. Now I get to end my day with royalty, I never know how to thank you for taking me along today Twilight."

"Oh yeah its nothing," Twilight responded as she waited in the large cart behind the castle. They were about to depart from Canterlot as soon as the prince was ready. He walked outside and gave his mother a hug good bye, and handed his 3 foot glass bong to Luna, who promised to take good care of it. The prince levitated 5 bags to the cart and stepped inside, only to be greeted by a seething Twilight Sparkle. "You know your mother said pack lightly, how many outfits does one pony need?"

Hadrian calmly responded, "well yes but most of those are filled with books, there is only one with outfits and you simply can't tell me that I am not allowed to look good."

"He has a very good point dear," Rarity interjected, "every pony simply must have something to wear, and from what I can tell the prince has a thing for excellent casual wear."

"Well the zebra royalty loved casual wear," Hadrian began but was cutoff.

"Look I don't care about the zebra royalty, why would you need books when I have an entire library open to public use?" Twilight interrupted, "It's not like clopfics and high times magazine can really take up that much space in the cart."

"If these are clopfics than I suppose the Mona Lisa is nothing but a doodle to you," Hadrian sneered, "my collection includes magic books written pre Celestia, books written by zebra philosophers, one of the few remaining Manticore texts, and even a gold bound, autographed copy of the biography of the late King Zefari, last ruler of the zebras and a former close personal friend of mine. I hope to educate the ponies of Ponyville during my stay if at all possible."

"But that's my Job," Twilight was upset, "I am the librarian, I provide books to the ponies, I help them learn not you."

"Darling you simply must quit being such a drama queen," Rarity smiled as she spoke, "because I personally would love to hear more about the prince, he seems absolutely charming."

Hadrian smiled as he spoke with elegance and ease, telling Rarity all about his unorthodox life as she soaked up every word like a sponge. Twilight looked on in disgust, every word off of "the bastard's" tongue made her cringe.

"And that was how I became a Master of Zeb-fu by the age of 8, which leads me to meditation," the prince smiled as he pulled out a hoof rolled cigar from his pocket, "anypony care to partake?"

"Darling that herb is horrible for your health," Rarity spoke softly but looked at the blunt in disgust, "I understand being zebrafarian, but there is no place in good pony society for things like that."

"What it's just herb?" he stated, "less harmful to your health than cider, and twice as fun. Truly helps to unify the mind body and spirit. I can guarantee that if you know any average working class ponies than you know at least a few who need one of these at the end of the day. It helps them sleep better and work harder the next day."

Twilight grumbled and gave the Prince a Fluttershy stare.

"Well then by all means I suppose," Rarity responded, "I do need to celebrate my success after all, so much to give to charity and so many jobs for me to create, my hope is that the success just doesn't all go to my head."

"Rarity use some sense," Twilight snapped, "you can't just..."

"Oh lighten up Twilight," Rarity interjected, "nopony will ever know or even care enough to find out." She inhaled the smoke as it permeated her lungs, penetrating her blood stream and allowing the cannabinoids to work their magic. She coughed deeply as her system adjusted to the new found shock, and inhaled once more. The stress of her life was suddenly gone, and she felt better than Dash after a sonic rainboom. Her vision was fuzzy, and for some reason she was really hungry, but it was all ok.

"Oh hahahahahaha you are so funny Princy Wincy, I just want to give you a big ol smooch for the great time in having," Rarity laughed as she stepped outside of the cart and tipped the drivers.

"Miss Rarity we are in Ponyville, try to quit drawing so much attention to yourself," Hadrian stated calmly as he stepped out second.

"I can't believe this," Twilight stared at Rarity as she began to dance for no reason, "she's worse than Pinky Pie right now."

"Let us have a party in honor of the Prince Hadrian, son of Celestia, and total pilf," Rarity shouted away, waking up some of the Ponyville residents, "I need to eat so bad right now."

Chapter 2

Ponyville

Celestia awoke to the sound of bubbles, loud bubbles coming from somewhere in her castle. Her first thought was that only a couple of days after Hadrian had left, he returned without telling her and was now smoking in his bedroom. She jumped from her bed and ran down the corridor screaming, "Hadrian you better have a damn good reason for this," but was stopped by Luna who opened up her door.

"Hello thyne stupid stupid head, looking for the son whom thou hath unloaded upon thyne friends like 2 days ago," Luna giggled as she stared at Celestia who had stopped where she was and looked like she was about to cry.

"Oh just the horrid smell, that awful gurgling, it all reminds me of my wonderful son who I got rid of at the first sign of trouble," Celestia's anger had subsided leaving her with a single tear sliding down her face, "it's weird because I never thought I could love something so much and at the same time want to strangle it."

"Thy face is weird," Luna giggled at her own comment.

"What?" Celestia asked, confused by her sister's sudden dumb comment.

"DONKEY BUTT!" Luna laughed, "Oh I should have wrote that comeback down."

"Seriously Luna I'm worried about Hadrian," Celestia stated as her sister dumbfoundedly stared deep into her eyes.

"Pssssh his biggest concern is how to keep all of the eligible mares in that dumpy little town away from him so he can MeDaTate ooooh sooo important," Luna scoffed, "that buckers worst case scenario would be if somehow every rich pony in Equestria was secretly aligned against you and killed him, which isn't going to happen."

"Oh thank Discord the drunk sibling almost gave us away, continue your surveillance spy," the cult leader stated into the headset of a servant standing in the hallway.

"Luna how much did you drink tonight?" Celestia questioned her stumbling sister.

"Enough to deal with thyne ugly face," Luna laughed at her own joke again, "but in all seriousness we art no more drunk than any other Tuesday, in fact less than usual, just wowee this herb Hadrian left for us beith amazing, never before hath my mind felt so free."

"Really, and he's not here," Celestia looked at her sister, "lock that door and make sure no one snaps any candid photographs while we are in here, I could use a nice smoke right now."

Hadrian heard the pony coming in the distance and floated down from his meditation, leaving Zecora perfectly balanced on top of her staff as he quietly walked towards the door of the little hut. The previous day he had gotten settled in her home, unpacking his things while the zebra (who was slightly younger and more attractive than her sister) just sat and talked to him. Deep conversation, with a lot of rhyming because what kind of enchantress doesn't rhyme? But they had spent any part of the day not spent on words, and the entire night in their respective meditation poses, unaware of time or place while they silently kept their minds clear.

He walked outside and saw Twilight Sparkle approaching him with her usual look of disgust on her face. "Is everything going ok?" she asked and then answered before he could respond, "ok my daily check in is complete see ya." She turned to walk away only to feel one of his hooves reach out and gently touch her shoulder. "KEEP YOUR BUCKING HOOVES OFF ME!" she screamed.

Zecora slammed to the floor inside her hut, rhyming curses as all of her things fell around her and broke. She shouted to whomever would listen, "YOU OUT THERE HAVE LEFT ME PARALIZED, IM NOT EVEN TRYING TO RHYME RIGHT NOW JUST GET ME TO A DAMN HOSPITAL!"

"Well I guess Zecora is done meditating," Hadrian smirked as Twilight looked around nervously, "but I was just going to ask if I could meet some of your friends today, I really enjoyed Rarity and she said some lovely things about the other elements."

"No because now you have to get Zecora to a hospital," Twilight stated as she bit her lip, nervously hoping Zecora was ok.

"She will be completely fine, her neck is stronger than any pony's I have ever met," he stated casually, "but yeah I would like to meet the one who you said is like Rarity after herb, without any herb. I believe you said her name was Pinkie or something?"

"Yes Pinkie, she is the one who plans parties for a living and works in a bakery when she's not," Twilight explained, "apparently she makes more bits than any of my other friends, but spends most of it on more parties for us."

"Well if you introduce me and her I will not tell Zecora that you are the one who ruined her meditation today," Hadrian chuckled.

"DO I GO TOWARDS OR AWAY FROM THE LIGHT?" Zecora shouted to anypony nearby, "WILL I LIVE TO SEE TONIGHT?"

"What a drama queen," Twilight Sparkle mused briefly smiling before she turned back to the prince and readjusted her look back to that of a scowl, "and I will only take you to meet Pinky because your mom would want me to."

The pair walked away as Zecora continued to cry out for help, "OH MY THIS ISNT GOOD, I FEEL ALL CHOPPED UP LIKE WOOD." But we will just leave her there for the sake of time, she's ok I promise.

"NO I AM NOT THIS REALLY SUCKS, WHY DONT YOU EVEN GIVE A FUCK?"

Twilight remained quiet even as Hadrian continued to try and strike up friendly conversation. They walked down a path in the Everfree forest, which had an unusual warning for bandits in the area, a warning which Twilight completely disregarded.

"You know that said 'warning bandits ahead' right?" Hadrian asked as Twilight kept walking.

"And?" Twilight questioned, "I am a powerful unicorn with amazing talents and you are the son of the most powerful being on earth, I think we can handle a couple bandits."

"Ok but I was really trying to not harm anypony on this good will mission," Hadrian stated, "you will have to fight them on your own."

"Fine, like I need a pothead's help anyway," Twilight scoffed as the pair ventured into an extremely dark part of the woods.

They made it down the path until the overly expected happened and a group of a dozen genuine bandits jumped out of the trees, their leader making herself quite clear from the beginning. "Sparkle you foal your over confidence led you right into our trap, in fact I cannot believe it worked," shouted the blue unicorn, "the Great and Powerful Trixie wishes to confront you one on one in a combination of Zeb-fu and magical dueling, something the Great and Powerful Trixie learned from a great warrior as a filly. Prepare to die while my army of unicorn assassins takes out your boyfriend."

"Trixie I have been waiting for this ever since you almost destroyed Ponyville," Twilight sneered, "I will take out you and all of your assassins…."

"With my help," Hadrian explained, "Mom says your family so I will let you deal with Trixie and I can take these clowns."

At that the unicorn ninjas attacked, swarming all at once on the pair. Hadrian unleashed an electromagnetic pulse, sending every pony including Twilight Sparkle flying. He leapt up and quickly pulled out a blunt, lighting it with his magic and smoking it before Twilight could even turn around and give a nasty look. He leapt at three of the assassins who got up first and knocked them back on the ground with well-placed kicks. The remaining nine came next, getting up only to get smacked in their faces by Hadrian's strong hooves with speed the likes of which none of them had ever seen before.

Trixie attempted to electrocute Twilight with her thunder attack, but the bolt of lightning was close enough to singe the end of Twilight's Mane. Twilight launched three fire balls and a pulse, only for Trixie to jump through the air and land a kick to Twilight's chest. Twilight caught Trixie's hoof and twisted, sending her flying into the ground.

"Wait!" called out Hadrian as his horn turned green, "don't hurt Trixie, it's a spell!" The green glow came off of his horn and began to envelope every pony except for Twilight in the same green energy. Their eyes all turned from darkened hateful stares to glazed over glances and the anger in them made way to giggles and talk of baked goods. "The chaos spell is largely unknown but one cure is herb."

"Wowee this feels like college," stated the now Great and High Trixie, "I don't know why I was so intent on doing damage, I was back in Ponyville last week to see about learning a few things from Sparkle and end up kicking her flank instead. I'm so so sorry and I really want something to drink right now hehehe the cotton mouth is setting in."

The hooded assassins took off their cloaks, revealing that it was just unicorns from Ponyville, some of whom were Twilight's friends. They offered to buy the Prince snacks but he declined, mentioning that he lost his appetite after the green spell. The unicorns walked back to town with grins on their faces, gladly ready to give back anything they had stolen.

"But how did you do that, they went from evil to smiles in 20 seconds flat," the stunned Twilight asked as she watched the group walk away.

"It took all of my buzz and almost all of my herb," Hadrian stated, "but worth it to help them overcome the Cupiditas et Maledicam Chaos, a spell so old it is believed to have been around longer than ponies have. I could tell by their dark angry eyes, a strong curse has been unleashed upon Equestria, and the only cure is weed, which by the way I am almost out of."

"So they were saved from greed and anger by getting stoned?" Twilight scoffed, "that's absurd, it's impossible, it actually works."

"Perhaps now you will partake in some for yourself?" Hadrian stated as he sparked up another blunt, one of only two he had left.

"Not a chance," stated Twilight as she began to let down her guard and crack a smile, "but I do owe you for helping me back there."

"Pay it forward," Hadrian stated as he grinned back at her.

Outside of Sugarcube Corner, Hadrian and Twilight were speaking of things only a pony with their snout in a book most of the time could comprehend when the strangest thing happened, Hadrian met two of his supporters.

"Oh look dear it's him," Mrs. Cake called out to her husband as she opened up the door to the sweet shop, "the pothead prince has blessed out little shop with his presence, bring out the kush."

"Of course honey bun, this really is an amazing surprise," Mr. Cake called out with glee.

"Well don't just stand there come on in, munchies are on us," Mrs. Cake laughed as the Prince stared at the unexpected welcome.

The pair made their way into the sweet shop and Mr. Cake locked the door. "Twilight why don't you wait in the back with Pinkie Pie dear," Mr. Cake suggested to the purple unicorn, "she has been wanting to see you all morning."

"But I already know what you ponies are going to do and it's ok with me," Twilight stated as any doubts about her abilities to love and tolerate disappeared, "in fact I want to see if that crap makes Pinkie normal."

"Normal Urkle," Pinkie Pie shouted as she bounced out from the back room and began to bounce around her employers. She stopped for a moment and giggled, "I love messing with you ponies, you take everything I do so seriously." She had even said the 'so seriously' part in a serious manner, making Hadrian chuckle as the rest of the ponies just shook their heads.

"Wow you seem to be the most silly pony I have ever seen in my entire 19 years of existence," Hadrian stated, "would you like to smoke herbs with us?"

"Okie Dokie Lokie," Pinkie stated as she began to bounce again, "but let me get a few cookies first, I baked 302 and we only needed 284, it was the best accident ever!"

"Pinkie you really do eat a lot of the inventory," Mrs. Cake commented, "I can't believe you are skinnier than me."

"Honey Buns you just had twins 2 months ago," Mr. Cake said, "and you look better with some weight on your frame anyway."

"He thinks you're a fatty chunky pants Mrs. Cake, are you going to take that from him?" Pinkie asked after swallowing several whole cookies.

"Hang on before anypony starts to fight here is a blunt," Hadrian stated as he light up the last of his weed, "let's get high first and then worry about the bull pies later."

And with that smoke fest began, the Cakes brought out a bong and filled it with their best kush, while Hadrian's last blunt of Canterlot Chronic was passed around with it. The room filled up with smoke so thick that no pony could see their hooves if they held them up in front of their face. Even Twilight Sparkle had become high by this point, the second hand smoke finally getting to her as she began to giggle and munch on some of the sweets the Cakes had given Hadrian. Two hours later when all was said and done, Pinkie Pie's hair had almost deflated, not completely flat at this point but a few waves and curls that were left made Pinkie look stunning, almost like Rarity.

"Oh that was good," Pinkie said as she got up from her seat, "we will have to do this again quite soon."

"Did she just become normal?" Hadrian asked as the cakes seemed too high to respond.

"Oh yeah, Pinkie is random when she's sober and always has the munchies," Twilight concluded, "so maybe when she's high she's normal."

"It's not like I am insane or anything," Pinkie smiled at Twilight, "I don't understand how you could know me for a year and still not really know me. Its ok, I'm sure there are more things I have yet to learn about you."

"You mean like the time she went crazy from stress and almost killed everypony in town?" Mr. Cake giggled as he spoke, "or that time she tried to help in Winter Wrap-up and almost killed everypony in the process. Or that one time when…"

"Ok that's enough," if ponies could blush Twilight's face would have been bright red.

"Well if anything you are kind of the crazy one," Mr. Cake snickered, "the quiet studious ones are usually the ones who become serial killers."

"Like the babies are upstairs and you haven't checked on them in the past 2 hours," Mrs. Cake brought up, "maybe check on the damn twins so they don't end up being serial killers too."

"That's me lucky charms," Twilight giggled as she spoke, "I killed some frosted oatflakes this morning too, and a bagel ooooooh cereal killer."

"I think somepony has finally came around," Hadrian smiled, "I just wish I knew where to get some more for later."

"That's easy silly head," Pinkie stated with pride, "just find Big Macintosh and he will help you, the password is…." She paused a moment before continuing in a very soft voice, "cranberries."

"I'm just glad it isn't apples," Twilight smirked, "those ponies are obsessed with apples like every single family member is named after an apple, their last name is apple, and and and seriously who names their filly Apple Jack Apple?"

"True," Pinkie mused, "it is quite strange after all, having the same first and last name like that."

"The 3rd zebra king of the Hooves Dynasty was named Xavier Xenith Xavier," Hadrian spoke softly, "and he did a pretty good job."

"Oh look at me I am royalty and I am super smart and a pompous asshole," Twilight began to imitate Hadrian badly, "I know more about Zebras than I do about mares, and I smoke so much herb there's only two brain cells left in my head total."

"Oh how droll," Pinkie giggled at the comment, "Twilight you are such a silly pony sometimes, but my work is calling and I have a huge order to fill this afternoon. If you want to stop by tonight I am having a party for Rainbow Dash and she would be thrilled if both of you came."

"It better not be here, last time you used sugar cube corner as your party venue the whole place was buckin trashed," Mrs. Cake laughed, "We couldn't pay you for three weeks because of the damages."

Pinkie just groaned and made her way back to the kitchen.

The two stoners walked through town towards Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight giggling and chitchatting as she went. They received a variety of dirty looks from the ponies in town as they strolled, but it didn't bother them much as they enjoyed the rare warm winter day.

"This is totally going to ruin my reputation as the goody four hooves librarian around here," Twilight giggled as she walked with Hadrian, "I'm so bucking high off of the fumes from in there that I can't stop thinking how cool everything I see is."

"How does this affect your reputation?" Hadrian questioned, "even though the ponies are giving us dirty looks I don't think they can tell that you have smoked."

"Yes they can, did you see that cloud that came out of Sugar Cube Corner when we left," Twilight mused, "it was EPIC."

"Hey I personally didn't care to look," Hadrian responded, "that stuff they had was the only time anyone has ever had better stuff than me, except my first time of course."

"Hahaha how old were you 6," Twilight laughed, "you smoke like a chimney."

"Actually 7," Hadrian stared at Twilight as she continued to giggle at him, "I realize what they say about brain cells but Zebras start at a young age."

"Hey you!" shouted a brown earthen with a light British accent whose eyes seemed dark and distant, "you seem like an idiot in the paper, and ever since you showed up ponies have been going crazy!"

"Yeah he's right, my girlfriend got mugged yesterday," screamed a caramel colored earthen with the same eyes, "everything has gone straight to hell ever since this bastard prince showed up. Ponies have been greedy and violent for no reason, and I just feel this intense urge to scapegoat this phony prince for it."

The ponies in the crowd all nodded their heads in agreement, their eyes growing darker as the Cupiditas et Maledicam Chaos took over their souls. Hadrian looked in his bag and realized that there was no more herb left to help the ponies. He assumed a zebra style battle stance and screamed over the crowd, "Twilight get the buck out of here and save yourself!"

"No Hadrian, you seem to forget that I always have an ace in the hole," Twilight shouted, moving closer to the prince and taking up her own battle position. "HEY PINKIE PIE WE NEED A WEED SONG NOW!" she screamed hoping the pink earthen would somehow come to her rescue.

"Like that's going to work," Hadrian sneered as he faced down the eyes of his first competitor, "there is no way Pinkie can get here all the………"

Suddenly out of nowhere Pinkie Pie popped up in the middle of the crowd, dressed like a one pony band, and began to sing to her fellow ponies"
"Hey there ponies listen up good
Cuz I got here as fast as I could
My lungs aren't as good as they used to be
I waste them up on T H C
So 1…….2…….3…….oh
get on your shoes and follow me
4…….5…….6…….7
my herbs so good it will take you to heaven
8…….9……10…….oh
we'll get the munchies and smoke again
11……. Skip to 19 comes be 420…"

The crowd seemed to turn their anger to the pink pony, her song doing absolutely nothing except drawing their attention away from Twilight and Hadrian.

"Hey Cakes, plan B they don't have any of their own!" Pinkie screamed before returning to singing. The Cake couple ran out with a giant vaporizer the size of a small house. Pinkie lit a match and set the thing in motion, watching as two pounds of herb was vaporized, and never missing a beat in her song.
"you might think I'm crazy, maybe even weird
but when you smoke, or take a toke, there's nothing to be feared
all my ponies with me, you know that I'm your friend
but today, I'm here to say, I'll smoke herb til the end
there is no anger, your days are filled with bliss
smoke some with me and you will see not indulging is a miss.
I love smoking lots of chronic, dro and kush as well
every day is heavenly even if you're stuck in hell
there is no paranoia, my life is filled with glee
and now I see you joined us, free cupcakes for all I see?"

By the time Pinkie said the last line, a giant cloud of THC had dissented upon Ponyville, the ponies' eyes all became bright and cheery (albeit much more squinty and glazed over). They all began to cheer out in joy at the mentioning of the last line and joined in singing the chorus once more with Pinkie Pie.
"So 1…….2…….3
roll up your blunts and follow me
4…….5…….6…….7
this herb's so good it will take you to heaven
8…….9……10…..oh
we'll get the munchies and smoke again
11……. Skip to 19 comes be 420…"

Hadrian stared dumbfounded at the crowd of ponies who continued to sing about weed as they followed Pinkie Pie back to the Cakes' sweet shop for the free cupcakes she had promised to them. "Well I'll be a son of a donkey," he stated as Twilight just giggled at him.

"I refuse to pay any child support until you show me DNA test results!" shouted Cranky Doodle Donkey as he walked by with a blunt hanging out of his mouth.

"Doodle you old fool it's an expression," his mare chided, "how many ponies did you sleep with in your travels anyway?"

=======

"I can't believe the Cakes said I owe them thirty five hundred bits," Hadrian stated solemnly as he kicked a rock, "how will I ever afford a pound of premium kush when all I brought with me was five thousand."

"These are the Apples you are talking about," Twilight giggled in response, "if anypony in all of Equestria will sell you this koosh stuff for cheap, their last name is probably Apple."

"Well I guess we will just have to find out when we get there," Hadrian stated, keeping his head down as he walked. "I really can't believe that the whole Pinkie Pie song thing just worked that well, in my expert opinion that was a situation in which I would have normally just fought my way out of. How did she manage such a peaceful resolution so quickly?"

"That was probably the worst song I have ever heard her sing," Twilight chortled at the perturbed and sober looking Hadrian, "in fact she must have made it up completely on the spot and it would have never worked if she didn't have the Cakes as backup. Oh and also I have been totally stoned this whole time, you finally converted me to this stoner lifestyle."

With that Hadrian smiled and lifted up his head, placing it gently on top of Twilight's shoulder in a hug. She responded by talking more, but Hadrian didn't care, he had succeeded in making Twilight Sparkle into a pothead. "Gosh I hope your mom never finds out about this," Twilight laughed as they continued walking.

Chapter 3

Much ado about Ponies

"So now he's probably sticking his big ol zebrafrian pecker into your star pupil somewhere in sweet apple acres, while all of the elements of harmony gradually become the elements of stoner," Luna laughed before Celestia passed the water pipe back to her.

"Oh ha ha," Celestia sneered as her sister took a massive hit, "and I bet he's telling them all how big of a slut his auntie is too."

Luna burst out laughing, the ganja smoke escaping from her lungs as she began to cough and laugh at the same time. A servant ran into the room, "Your highnesses mass chaos has been unleashed in Manehattan, a crowd of ponies has taken to the streets and is destroying everything in sight."

"Eh just giveith them some of this," Luna laughed as she tossed over a fat sack of herb, "the sticky will make any pony calm."

"And super hungry," Celestia added, "good Faust wasn't breakfast supposed to be served like an hour ago?"

"Your breakfast was served three hours ago and is currently room temperature with a likelihood of microbial growth by this point," the servant retorted, "I mean seriously princess the world is crashing down around you and here you are smoking herbs and hanging out."

"Blah blah blah blasé," Luna responded, "thou are looking to haveith thy flanks kicked by the most powerful beings in Equestria?"

"NO BUT THERE ARE THINGS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN AN ASS KICKING FOR ME TO WORRY ABOUT," the servant screamed disrespectfully back, "MY FAMILY IS IN MANEHATTAN AND THERE IS A MOB DESTROYING THE CITY!"

"Oh crap Luna he's serious," Celestia stared at the servant, "I think we should do something, but in the meantime fix me some damn breakfast, because I can't put down a revolt all hungry and stuff."

The servant screamed and left the room uttering curses.

In the orchard of Sweet Apple Acres, Hadrian and Twilight were making their way to finally get Hadrian some more herb. He had been sober for nearly half an hour now and albeit that it was not really a big deal, Hadrian couldn't help but feel somewhat grumpy, especially since Twilight was still baked from earlier and they had already walked 7 miles in a single day. So as he continued to stroll through the apple trees with his head down, trying to ignore Twilight's constant talking, an arrow whizzed past his head and landed just above it in the tree trunk behind him, after going straight through an apple.

"See Rainbow Dash, I told you that I could do that from a hundred yards with pinpoint accuracy," Rarity smiled as she lowered her bow, "every pony should have more than one talent darling." Hadrian stared in disbelief for a moment, an archer who could hit a target with perfect accuracy and timing is not something you see every day. "How about twenty bits says I can hit a small mark on the barn 300 yards away while going through another one of those apples you keep throwing."

"Whatever Rarity, archery is only kinda cool," Rainbow Dash sneered back, "and taking my last 10 bits was anything but."

"Actually the odds of you hitting that exact shot, even with your skill level are 347,098:1" Hadrian interjected, "and if I don't get that herb soon my mind will overpower, nopony should know statistics that well."

"Umm yeah, that was almost the weirdest thing I've seen all day," Dash smirked as she hid her own herb bag behind her back, "you are a total egghead and I really don't know what these mares see in ya."

"Actually he's quite charming," Rarity laughed, "and possibly foalish enough to wager me."

Dash flew forward and left a tiny chalk circle on the side of the barn, and picked an apple off of the top branch of an apple tree. Hadrian threw down twenty bits and watched as Rarity inhaled slowly, pulling back her bow, and exhaling right before firing her weapon at the same time Rainbow Dash dropped an apple from directly in front of the barn. The arrow sliced through the top of Dash's apple and stuck the bottom part of the small target, not a perfect shot but far from sloppy.

"Oh damn it all," Rarity said sounding very unladylike in the process, "I fouled that one all up. I bet it's this bucking herb I have been smoking nonstop since that night in Hadrian's carriage."

"But you hit the target from just over 300 yards away with nearly pinpoint accuracy, "Hadrian shouted in disbelief," how you can call that fouled up when it was literally less than 3 inches away from perfection."

"Darling what I fear you may never understand is that with me it is perfection or nothing," Rarity smiled as she spoke, "in fact the only male who understands me is that lovely Spike. Tell me Twilight has he said anything about me to you lately."

"Ugh that dragon doesn't shut up about you," Twilight laughed, "are you two a couple now or is it some dumb crap again?"

"Darling a lady never reveals her personal business," Rarity smiled, leaning over to whisper into Twilight's ear, "I am actually trying to set him up with Sweetie Belle."

"I bet I know what you're whispering about," scoffed Rainbow Dash, "it's so creepy that Rarity wants to do a dragon."

"Wait, a dragon!" Hadrian couldn't believe his ears, "how is that even possible, aren't dragons physically imposing and capable of doing horrible things to ponies. I have heard of mares liking the dangerous type, but that is ridiculous!"

"No you just haven't met Spike yet," Twilight smiled.

"Ok then Prince Egghead," Rainbow Dash jested the prince, "me and Rarity have some catching up to do still so how about you and miss goody four shoes over there let us be."

"Fine then, I need to get some more herb anyway," Hadrian scoffed, "I am actually having incredibly complex thoughts and need to smoke something soon before I become completely unstable."

Rainbow Dash watched the pair leave before pulling out her joint. "Boy I'm just glad we didn't have to share this with them, I paid way too much for this Sweet Applicious Kush to have to share it with nerds."

"Oh Rainbow how come you share with anypony except for if your herb is on the line," Rarity asked as she snatched the joint out of her companion's mouth and light it up with her magic, "that is except for when you can't light up these spliffs by yourself."

In a cold, desolate fortress in the vast Everfree forest, the exiled Lord Solaris waited for death's cold embrace. He had started a civil war in Equestria, vying for power with the financial backing of the Canterlot elites some hundred and fifty years ago. Now, the two hundred year old alicorn had absolutely nothing, his power less than that of his second cousin Celestia, his supporters had all left, and his right front leg was a cheaply made prosthetic. But for Solaris there was one last hope, the hope that the Cult of the New Pony Order had manifested a spell powerful enough that his rise would be imminent.

"Hey loser you have a visitor!" one of the guards called out to the lord as an earthen wearing a deep crimson hood walked into the castle. He was in his late thirties, with a tan coat and a black mane, a few streaks of grey hairs adorning it. The guards stepped back outside, allowing Solaris privacy with his visitor.

"Filthy Rich," Solaris smiled as one of the cult's leaders walked through the door, "I am ever so grateful for this visit."

"This is no ordinary visit, for the last days of Celestia's reign are upon us," Filthy replied as he took off the hood on his crimson cloak. "Cupiditas et Maledicam Chaos has been set into motion. All ponies who are not under the influence of the herb are beginning to riot and revolt, harming each other and themselves in the process. It is really quite the site to behold."

"So I have been told," Solaris stated as he walked over to a window and stared out at the dense forest full of horrible monsters, "and yet I have never actually witnessed the carnage for myself. Your cult and I have the same goal, revenge upon Celestia and her loved ones for their family's evil. Tyranticus, her grandfather, killed my great great great great grandfather (his brother and co-ruler) in a play to consolidate all the powers of the Equestrian crown under the rule of one pony. His actions afterwards caused the downward spiral of ponykind, and the eventual rise of Discord. Celestia has been quite a vicious ruler in her own right, and deserves to die for her family's sins."

"Well actually I am in this cult for the same reasons the rest of the Equestrian elites are," Filthy responded with a grin, "with you on the throne we will no longer have to ensure that the poor are cared for, we will no longer have to be treated as equals with the common day laborer. My great grandfather allied himself with you purely for personal gain, and when his airship crashed the day of your fight with Celestia, his premature death has cemented the resolve of both his descendants and those of the rest of the elites to ensure our will be done."

"Such actions will only benefit you and harm the average pony, but I agree as always for the goal of revenge against that horrible Celestia," Solaris stared at his fake leg, a painful reminder of how much he hated his cousin.

"And by the way," Filthy continued, "the original gold prosthetic you made is on display at a museum whose owner just so happens to be one of our members. In the midst of the chaos in Manehattan he has snatched it up for you. Once Discord is freed from his slumber, we will come for you Solaris, and the leg will be in our possession."

"That is wonderful," the old alicorn replied as he reached out to hug the earthen standing in front of him, "you are truly a stallion your great grandfather would have been proud of."

In Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight and the prince made their way out of the orchard, completely unaware of the problem they would soon have to face. They came upon the humble farmhouse of the Apple family, finding a rare break had been scheduled. Apple Jack, Apple Bloom, Macintosh, and a visiting relative, Uncle Orange, a commodities trader from Manehatten, all sat around in a circle doing (you guessed it) nothing but smoking on a fat blunt and having what appeared to be a freestyle cypher.

"My name is Mister Orange, I'm related by marriage, I rolled up in a Bentley, one horse power carriage, got twenty four inch rims, and a system in the trunk, balled it up through college, yeah I can still dunk." The uncle rapped with seeming ease, albeit the rest of his relatives just scoffed as he continued to try his best.

"Just stop Uncle Orange, or I should say Uncle Tom, don't disrespect Cuz Apple Jack's the bomb. I got no love like antidisestablishmentarianism, my rhymes take their own life force call it an organism. AJ, I don't play, fuck you up like Dre Day, yall try to rhyme again and I'll be glad to say that shit's gay." Apple Jack smoothly dissed her uncle, watching as he angrily hogged the weed and tried to calm his nerves.

"Wait, you guys smoke weed?!" Twilight exclaimed as she walked up to the circle, watching as Apple Jack tried to hide the blunt in panic. "Even Apple Bloom?"

"Eeyup," Macintosh replied, "and if yuh narc on us it will be the last thing you ever do Sparkle. I still aint forgave yuh for giving my Sister love poison spells and encouraging her to drug her teacher and I."

"Shit Mac you and I both know that she was just renting a library book, I couldn't deny her a learning experience." Twilight's ears flopped back and she began to lose her buzz as she slowly backed away from the group.

"Wait, did she just say Mac, as in Mackintastic?" Hadrian stepped forward with a look of shock on his face, "I thought you made millions as one of the premier hoof hop all-stars of Canterlot. What the Tartarus are you doing out on some farm in Ponyville."

"You!" he got up and stared the prince down, "you ended my career with that rap battle. Don't think I don't know you without that disguise, I can tell it's you Grand Creator."

"You have me mistaken, I am Prince Hadrian, son of…" Hadrian was cut short

"Oh really?" Macintosh rudely interrupted, "and you never disguised yourself to buy weed when sneaking out of Celestia's castle. You never went to the Canterlot Inn's open mic challenge with a blue vest and a pair of matching blue sunglasses. And you never defeated anyone in a rap battle?"

"No Macintosh," Twilight tried to step forward and calmly speak, "he would never go out of the castle except disguised as a pegasus to smoke his herb on clouds."

"Actually he is right," Hadrian confessed, "I was trained in the art of freestyle rapping by none other than Chuck D. Xebrah. Beating one of Equestria's best was hard, but I did it." All the members of the Apple family stood with their mouths hanging open, they couldn't believe their ears. Chuck D. Xebrah was the first rapper to bring the hoof hop music to Equestria after the fall of the Zebra kingdom. His styles were legendary in the rap community of Equestria, artists like DJ Pon3 and Sprinkles Wallace had made it known from the beginning that their styles were influenced by his work. Macintastic was completely speechless for a moment. "But I did not come here to spit verses, I came here to purchase a quantity of your cheapest herb."

"Aint nopony here sellin kush!" Apple Jack shouted before twitching her eyes and clinching her jaw shut.

"Pinkie told me to say raspberries," Hadrian stated, "now I only have 1500 bits and I am in dire need of some of your herb so as to avoid the Mass Chaos spell which has been unleashed upon this unsuspecting kingdom. The fate of the free world may rely on your product."

Everyone waited for Macintosh to respond. Twilight Sparkle took a seat near Apple Jack and quietly asked who Chuck D. Xebrah was, receiving a hoof to the back of the head. Macintosh stared down the somewhat smaller stallion, unsure whether or not to trust him. "I will make you a deal," Macintosh stated as his frown slowly turned into a grin, "you beat me right here, completely sober, in a standard Bucklin style rap battle, and I will give you a full pound of kush for that 1500 bits. If you lose, you are to leave this farm, and never come back. Do we have an agreement?"

"Sounds like a plan," Hadrian stated as Twilight nervously stared at the stallion. "House goes first."

"Ok then, hit me with that Doggie Fresh beat-box Apple Bloom," Macintosh stated, hearing his sister create a beat with nothing but her lips and hooves. A beat so fresh he had to take a moment and get the feel for it, allowing his signature fast flow to take control.

"Macintastic, my style never drastic, my rhymes so fast you thinkin I gone spastic
Flow like a genius with a foot long penis, smoked kush since I was twelve if you know what I mean it's
Kinda funny getting dissed by a bastard, my style better than your master, this is a disaster
So don't choke little bitch you in too deep now, and if you back out I'll hit you with that Shaolin style"

The rest of the Apple family took a moment to shout out the word "damn" in unison as Twilight held her hoof up to her face in shame.

"You spoiled, a sad little rich colt who never knew toils, I do so much work it would make your blood boil
So never underestimate little bitch ass pony, I cook you up and eat you like some buckin rice-a-roni
I'm raw like the apples I kick off these trees, I strike in a second so don't even tease
The mass murderin mare slayer, no matter the city I have always been a player
But you hung like a sturgeon, I bet you a virgin, I cut a pony up like an old timey surgeon
In Appleoosa they hate you, Canterlot hates you, even with the power mares don't want to date you
So take your fuckin wealth and that casual wear, go back to the zebras cuz none of us care
If you live or die since your life is a lie, and we Apples spit the truth so don't even deny."

Macintosh's quick bars seemed enough to leave a normal pony stunned, his every word lingering on the edge of Twilight's ears as if she knew what would happen. "Choke, choke, choke," chanted Apple Jack and Uncle Orange as they tried to make the Zebrafarian prince nervous about his situation. Hadrian just stood there, a grin on his face as he listened to the beat box for a moment before opening his muzzle. His flow proved to be equally fast and even more potent.

"I'm the Grand Creator, there can be no imitators, ever since I was four I been fuckin up haters
Your flow is sad and weak, I can't just turn the other cheek, and since you been talkin shit it's my turn to speak
I love my mom's subjects, I see them as equals, but if I slit your neck there can be no more sequels
No come back for the great Mac now riddle me that
How the hell are you fantastic if you lookin so wack
I spit sick shit like the flu, who the fuck is you, a washed up has been I aint beat in a year or two
You say your raw like an apple, but ponies eat apples, I can chew you up son and then take a nice craple
My rhymes might be improvised from time to time, but your shit has gone sour like liquor and lime"

"Is he doing good?" Twilight whispered to Apple Jack as the orange farmer pony stared with her jaw completely slack.

"Too darn good if ya ask me," Apple Jack whispered back, "I aint seen nopony rip Macintosh a new asshole like this before, it's pretty entertaining."

"And the burn aint the liquor, my colt that's chlamydia
That's from fuckin every slut from here to Numidia
You think you hot shit on a silver platter, take away the hot and silver and all you gettin is laughter
I'm a zebrafarian so I love peace, but I'll drop bombs on a pony like we in the Middle East
The old school craze has come and gone, so update your style or move the hell on
So you thought you could diss me, you thought I turned wack, well guess what Mac, the Grand Creator strikes back."

Apple Bloom stopped her beat boxing, looking down at her flank to find that she still hadn't gotten the fresh beat cutie mark. She groaned in disgust as everypony else just sat, surprised at the fact that the Prince had just beaten Macintosh in a rap battle based on his superior flow. Once again, Hadrian had proven that his skills in battles were superior to those of the farm pony's.

"Well shit," Macintosh finally broke the silence, "Ah guess yuh went and fucked me up yet again. Let me grab that weed for yuh."

"Wait Mac," Hadrian stated as he put his front hoof on the larger pony's shoulder, "I was only dissing you because I enjoy rap battles. You have put out some amazing songs and just battle rapping has nothing that can compare to the status you hold in the rap community. Please don't take this the wrong way."

"Eeyup," Macintosh replied, "I aint gonna sit here and talk shit about cha kid, I got an apple farm to run." He walked into the barn and came back with a large bag filled to the brim with the sweetest, stickiest, icky to ever come off of the Apple's farm. He rolled up a blunt before passing the bag to Hadrian.

Hadrian tossed the other rapping pony his bag of bits, glad to ensure that he upheld his end of the bargain. "Have you thought of changing your stage name to Mack the ripper?" Hadrian suggested, "I know that Mackintastic was probably given to you by your peers, but every rapper needs to reinvent themselves from time to time. I mean seriously, DJ Pon3 used to be Doctor Pondiddy, sometimes change isn't a bad thing."

"Dualy noted, but never compare Mackintastic to Doctor Pondiddy, I swear I will end yuh next time if yuh do," Macintosh stated as he sparked up the blunt, the first of many.

Several hours of rapping and about five blunts later, Hadrian, Twilight, Apple Jack, and Macintosh headed to Pinkie Pie's party. The now incredibly loopy Twilight Sparkle continued her horrible raps as Apple Jack and Hadrian continued to egg her on. Macintosh was less then pleased by her mediocrity, but just ignored it and kept walking.

Upon arrival at Sugar Cube Corner, they knew that the party in question was indeed a surprise party by the lack of streamers and outlandish decorations. Rainbow Dash was a pony of simple tastes, known for celebrating her birthday with nothing more than a day off of work and some time with her friends. She enjoyed nothing more than a nap in the sun, and being treated to lunch. After spending the day just hanging out with the now significantly cooler Rarity, the element of Loyalty was thoroughly pleased to just know that Pinkie had invited her over for pizza, blunts, and horror movies.

"So I'm guessing Rainbow Dash is a pretty humble pony," Hadrian stated after Apple Jack had taken a moment to explain the situation.

"Oh boy you'd sure be mistaken," Apple Jack chortled, "she is a gloatin, showboatin, overly competitive mare if there ever was one. She has too much confidence, but in all honesty Ah think that sometimes she's a perfect example of humility. The pony is a true friend; she just likes to show off too damn much."

"Well I could tell she was a bit of a blowhard earlier," Hadrian said as Apple Jack seemed to hang on his every word, "but I don't judge ponies on trivial things like that."

"Psh so you never judged me negatively even when I was treating you like a traitor," Twilight grinned at the prince with her eyes squinting nearly shut, even in the fading light.

"After all my mother has said of you, I could never view you in a negative light, even if you passed out drunk with your muzzle in the toilet." Hadrian watched as Twilight's smile grew and her eyes seemed to light up with joy before adding, "Mom really does think of you as one of the family."

"Well I'm not sure about Twilight, but I might just get drunk enough to pass out by the toilet tonight," Macintosh softly stated as the rest of the group giggled at his comment, "hell this is Rainbow Dash's birthday, no one stays sober at events like this."

Pinkie Pie ran outside to give hugs all around, smooching Hadrian directly on the lips and earning an angry stare from Twilight. "I'm super-duper excited that all of you came," Pinkie spoke a mile a minute bouncing up and down in joy, "we actually booked DJ Pon3 and well obviously Macintastic decided to come. We have so many drinks, and we might end up with five hundred guests tonight. It's five bits to cover the pizzas, pastries, and drinks drinks drinks."

"Pinkie how many guests have shown up already?" Twilight began to worry.

"Oh only about seventy or so," Pinkie stated with glee, "and I know for a fact that two hundred others RSVP'd. Are you guys ready to party?"

"Eeyup," Big Macintosh grinned.

"Yer darn tootin," Apple Jack stated with glee.

"Buck to the yeah," Hadrian tried to match Pinkie's enthusiasm.

"Well kinda I guess," Twilight nervously replied, "but don't you think you are taking this a little bit too far?"

"You can't take a birthday celebration too far silly filly," Pinkie grinned as she gave Twilight a massive noogie, "this is for Rainbow Dash and the Cakes have turned the entire basement into this awesome club setup just for this occasion. This is going to be the best night ever."

Chapter 4

The Worst Night Ever

Discord could feel the chaos rising all around him as the city of Canterlot began to erupt into total anarchy. His internal energy began to build, his power levels rising. A group of hooded ponies sat around his statue, chanting the words "chaos rises, flowing freely through our streets, Discord shall end his unholy slumber, and see to the Princesses defeat." His power grew, as even in the concrete form the elements of harmony could not stop the prowess of the deity of chaos, he knew that his time had arrived.

The ponies began to cheer as he slowly turned back into his regular form, his body no longer stone, his heart full of anger, his mind full of evil thoughts of vengeance and malice. "I am going to slaughter all of pony kind," he declared, as he finally broke free from his imprisonment, "starting with those of you foolish enough to help wake me up."

"Well that would be a terrible idea," stated a tall, slender, unicorn mare who took off her hood, "for you need our cult as much as we need you."

"Miss Fleur De Lis I presume," Discord jeered back, "and how is mister Fancy Pants."

"I divorced him and got half of his money and the hover boat," Fleur smiled deviously as she spoke, "but he has fallen for a younger unicorn named Rarity. That chubby hick is easing his suffering, and I do not like it one bit."

"So you caused massive chaos to help set me free just to make his life worse," Discord scoffed, "talk about evil, and here I thought I was bad."

"No you twit, Fancy Pants isn't important," Hoity Toity removed his cloak and snapped at the beast, "in fact that ex royal guard stallion is nothing to our society. We have freed Solaris, and sent a messenger to the changelings. If the three biggest enemies to the crown suddenly meet up and one of them becomes a threat to our cause we will simply have the other powers dispatch of them."

"Well I could still kill all of you before they get here, so tell me what is your cause and what is in it for me?" Discord asked as he took a seat on the base where the statue once stood.

"We are trying to remove Celestia, end the peace and love amongst peasants, and establish a new hierarchy in which the richest families in Equestria rule over those who we deem to be inferior." Fleur explained.

"And of course, you would have the honor of killing Luna and making as much chaos for the ponies as possible." Hoity added.

"Well then, I guess I'm in," Discord explained, "but that Solaris is not evil enough, he merely wants revenge for his fallen ancestors. I will have to kill him and receive take the crown once he and those awful changelings finish Celestia."

In the bowels of the most horrible part of the Shetlands, an icy country north of Equestria, the vile Queen Chrysalis was leading her massive army to a horrific defeat against a hoard of Viking ponies, when a unicorn appeared before her bearing a message. "What the hell do you want, can't you see were in the middle of a battle to feed off of something," Chrysalis screamed over the noisy sounds of the battle, "I have to win this or else my changelings starve to death."

"Well I have come here to alert you to the fact that our society of ponies want to help you," Jet Setter replied as the queen suddenly became happy, "you can stop fighting wars, and help us along with the combined forces of Discord and Lord Solaris to overthrow Celestia and take Equestria for the richest among us. We will in return give you the middle class city of Manehattan to suck dry of all its life force. That's over a million ponies, full of true love towards one another, all yours for the taking."

"Tempting offer," Chrysalis replied, "But I have to ask one thing, can I be the one to kill that disgustingly nice Princess Cadence?"

"We will give you her and Shining Armor just for yourself," Jet Setter grinned, "Do we have a deal?"

"Consider Celestia's coffin sealed," Chrysalis seethed. She ordered the retreat, causing the great Viking ponies to cheer with joy at their seeming victory over a much greater foe. The changelings disappeared, followed by Jet Setter as they teleported back to the sacred meeting spot outside of Canterlot.

"Cadence, you must leave Canterlot now," Celestia stated as the young princess walked into the room, "there is nowhere that is safe for you here my daughter."

"DAUGHTER?" Shining Armor screamed as he walked into the room, "but this whole time I thought you were her niece."

"Geeze, I think Twilight got all the brains in your family," Cadence chuckled, "I mean you haven't figured it out yet? I am twenty six years old, mom has no living sisters other than Luna, and the only living relatives other than us are my distant cousin Solaris, and mom's great grandson Blueblood."

"Well I don't know, I just thought my wife was honest with me," the royal guard captain sneered back.

"Both of you knock it off," Celestia screamed, "this is serious, we were able to peacefully resolve the riots earlier, but something is amiss in Equestria. Discord no longer sits in the garden, yet the sky does not turn to cotton candy. A report came in from the Viking commander Lachlan Templar today stating that the Changelings have ceased their assault on the Shetlands. And worst of all, my vengeful cousin Solaris has escaped his imprisonment. This may mean the end of Equestria. Your brother Hadrian is too stubborn to run away, but I know that you will escape to safety if need be. Shining Armor, Fancy Pants himself chose you to replace him as Captain of the Guard two years ago, and you have yet to disappoint. Please see to it that at least one of my children makes it out of this country alive."

"NO," replied Cadence indignantly, "I refuse to let my mother be killed by some rebellious cult. I will stay here and fight for you and all of Equestria."

"And I will command your troops no matter what happens," Shining Armor declared, "but first, Celestia I am not trying to be disrespectful, but I have to know just how many children do you have?"

"Well four actually," Celestia painfully forced a smile, "two of them died a long time ago, but Cadence and Hadrian have become quite the dignitaries. I must say that I am very proud of my children."

"Behold fellow members," shouted the cloaked unicorn leader from atop his pedestal, "the twenty families have all assembled here today for the great moment of truth." He threw down his cloak revealing his golden coat and emerald green mane. His jet black eyes seemed to pierce the very souls of his cult as their leader's brilliant form was finally revealed. "I, Illuminatus Ingolstadt, am pleased to announce the arrival of our allies in evil. Discord, the God of Chaos who has been so kind as to accept the offer of Fleur De Lis and Hoity Toity; Chrysalis, the queen of the changelings who has accepted the offer of Jet Setter; and of course the half mad Lord Solaris, who has been brought here today by none other than Filthy Rich. If you all could please enter the room so that we may make the bond of common evil official, it would be much obliged."

At that moment all of the wealthy elites disrobed and revealed their regal identities to the rest of their peers. The villainous procession of evil began as cheers surrounded the entrance of Discord, Solaris, and Chrysalis. Solaris entered with tact and dignity, his general's uniform in pristine condition and his golden leg shining as he gracefully swaggered down the temple's center aisle. Chrysalis entered on a throne hoisted by her subjects, blowing kisses to the crowd and literally feeding off of the love they showed her. Finally, Discord hammed up his entrance, giving brohoofs to every single member of the cult, and doing the moonwalk. Discord ended with the robot, was shoved over by Chrysalis, and decided to take the opportunity to spin on his head, earning more cheers than he deserved. "Showoff," Chrysalis muttered under her breath.

"Our allies of evil," Illuminatus proudly declared, "join me in prayer to the evil ruler of Tartarus for our mutual understanding, and protection of our greed and hatred from the likes of those pesky elements of harmony." The villains joined hooves in a prayer circle around a pentagram in the center of the floor, not really believing in what the cult leader was preaching, but doing it anyway just to get on with the invasion. "By all the evils of Tartarus, the slimy scum of the bowels of pony hell, we beg of you to aid us in our unholy quest to destroy Celestia and spread fear throughout the land. Give us the strength to do our evil bidding, and punish all those who dare stand in our way."

"So can we cause chaos now?" Discord stated as a gigantic devious grin appeared on his face.

"Yes, the time is neigh, tonight the New Pony Order will rise!" Illuminatus declared as the crowd began to cheer loudly.

"WOOHOO lets do some more shots," shouted Pinkie Pie as she and Rainbow Dash ran over to the refreshments table and did just that.

"Dude, Pinkie Pie, this is the best party I have ever been to," Rainbow Dash stated with a massive grin.

DJ Pon3 was performing her new song from her new album, "Back to the Vinyl," and was receiving a lot of love from the crowd of almost four hundred ponies. Sugar Cube Corner's basement had become too crowded, so the party had been moved outside, where ponies had shown up in the masses to listen to the jams. The police had been called at one point, but instead of making arrests and breaking up the massive event, they had joined in the festivities. The Chief of Ponyville Police herself was out there, smoking blunts with none other than the mayor. It was now just after eleven o'clock, Macintastic had returned to the rap scene just after Vinyl Scratch had called him up on the stage with her for some freestyle. In town for the weekend to visit his daughters Sparkler and Dinky Doo was none other than the unicorn rapper Sprinkles Wallace, who had also made his way up to the stage. The party was only getting bigger as time went on.

"Chug, chug, chug," chanted a group of ponies as Fluttershy had finally decided to come out from hiding inside the bakery to have a few drinks. She was now thoroughly drunk, stoned, and screaming about how she needed to get laid. Hadrian saw the creepers beginning to approach her and decided to intervene.

"Hey Fluttershy, you know that Sprinkles Wallace up there just said that he wanted to meet you," Hadrian stated as the few creepers began to walk away in disappointment.

"Oh really, that's soooo awesome," she giggled as she tripped over her own hooves, "I never did it with someone famous before."

Hadrian walked Fluttershy over to where Sprinkles was taking a break on the side of the stage. He rolled up a blunt in front of the unicorn rapper and lit it up. "Was good wit it Sprinkles," Hadrian greeted the MC with a hoof slap.

"Not mutha buckin much my pony," Sprinkles replied as he waited for Hadrian to pass him the blunt, "my ex Ditzy Doo is trippin on some earth pony who just be callin himself the Doctor, and he aint even rappin with that name. I had to pay her child support for the fillies, but Sparkler is gettin hella big an I aint even seen her since before she had that flank mark."

"I feel you my stallion," Hadrian let out a massive puff of smoke, "but it's funny that you mention that your ex is a pegasus, do you have a thing for a mare with wings?"

"Tartarus to the yeah colt," Sprinkles laughed, "winged mares are so light and real good at love makin. I been with Spitfire, then two of her teammates. I even got with Cadence once but you know how I do."

"You mean my sister Cadence?" Hadrian asked as he suddenly felt a tinge of anger bubble up inside of him.

"Yeah but I aint mean no disrespect brony," Sprinkles passed the blunt back to Hadrian, "I woulda married her if it wasn't for Shining Armor's bitch ass. That guard captain is one corny unicorn."

"I feel you there," Hadrian stated after checking to make sure Twilight wasn't nearby. "But about the pegasi, I found a cute little blonde one chillin by the drink table. She is one of those quiet, laid back types and she has had way too much to drink. Now I am not gonna make this some kind of bull crap so I will let you know right now that even if she was sober she would jump on the chance to kick it with you."

"True dat," Sprinkles smiled, "I do love the quiet ones."

Hadrian wrapped Fluttershy up in a field of energy and set her in front of the MC. She began to squee with delight at the sight of her favorite rapper. "This one is cute though," Sprinkles claimed, "good look on that young prince."

"Anytime my stallion, keep your hoof strong," Hadrian turned to leave, a grin stretching from ear to ear.

"Wow you just set up my friend with a superstar rapper," Twilight grinned as she stumbled towards Hadrian, "is there anything you can't do?"

"Well I can't stand on my hind legs, rub my stomach with one hoof, pat my head with the other, and sing the Zebra alphabet backwards at the same time," Hadrian admitted, "but other than that I don't think so."

Twilight laughed at the corny joke, "oh my Faust, I don't know how you did it but I think I'm starting to fall for you."

"No I think you are just a little bit tipsy and a lotta bit high," Hadrian remarked as Twilight laughed yet again, "we need to get you to the munchies table as soon as possible." Hadrian walked with the stumbling Twilight as they made their way to the refreshments.

The party was officially off the hook, more and more guests were arriving and Macintastic's comeback performance had proven to be one of his best. DJ Pon3 was on the turntables, Sprinkles was dropping a few crazy versus alongside the other legends, and things seemed like they couldn't get any better. Spike was flirting with Sweetie Belle after the tipsy Rarity had forced the two of them to converse, and was finding that she was a lot cooler than her big sister. Spike went to take a sip of the punch when suddenly he felt himself belch up a note.

"Dude that was gross," Sweetie Belle grimaced at the dragon's disgusting note.

"I can't help it," Spike explained, "Celestia transports her letters to Twilight this way and I'm stuck as their medium." He ignored the perturbed little unicorn for a second and opened up the letter, what he saw quickly turned his attitude from one of having a blast to one of absolute fear. "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry Sweetie Belle but this is really, really important. I have to get Twilight immediately."

Spike couldn't spot Twilight in the massive crowd and ran up onto the stage. He shoved the DJ out of her booth and made an announcement. "Attention to all six ponies who wield the Elements of Harmony, along with his royal highness Prince Hadrian. I have just received word from Princess Celestia that the royal city of Canterlot is under attack by multiple villains and her own citizens. You must report to the princess immediately because once again the fate of Equestria rests in your hooves."

"Oh no," Hadrian cried out as he pulled Twilight off of the refreshments table, "this is far worse than I have feared, the Cupiditas et Maledicam Chaos has taken full strength far before the next full moon. We must go to Canterlot immediately."

In Canterlot the situation, which had seemed stable a mere hour previously had once again become out of hand. Looting and burning in the streets had arrived first, with the enchanted ponies screaming about anarchy. Like something out of a punk rock video, all of the ponies who had not smoked any herb in a few weeks had taken to the streets, destroying everything in sight. "Tonight my cultists we will finally make our will known to the world," Illuminatus screamed from atop a house, "Canterlot's residents will burn the fair city to the ground, the streets will run red with the blood of the old regime. Together we will rule Equestria in the name of all that is greed!"

"Greed is magic," echoed throughout the streets of the city as Canterlot burned. The evil invasion had begun.

Chapter 5

Novus Equus Ordo

Hadrian ran towards Macintosh as the massive crowd slowly paused their party and realized the gravity of the situation. Not only were Equestria's heroes drunk, but every single one of their known enemies was attacking at the same time, along with about half of the citizens. The scene in Ponyville was still relatively quiet, but in the nation's capital things would decide their fate. Hadrian reached the stage and called out to Macintosh, "hey Mac we need your help now."

"What's up prince," Macintosh leaned down from the stage to address the colt.

"The only thing which can stop the civilian uprising is weed, and lots of it." Hadrian tried to explain the situation, "I need to know where you keep your stash, it will take about twenty pounds of the stuff to save all of Canterlot and I will not be able to pay you until all of this is over. But in exchange for your product, I will ensure that you receive a hundred thousand bits from the royal treasury."

"Just take what you need and we can work it out later," Mac answered, "you can find it in the cellar behind my barn. There's about sixty pounds spread out in three different barrels."

"You are truly a hero Macintastic," Hadrian slapped the stallion's hoof before turning around to leave, "come on elements the time grows short and it will take a lot of magic for me to pull this off."

"By the way, it's Mac the Ripper now," Macintosh shouted to Hadrian, watching as the prince flashed a smug, 'I told you so' grin before gathering the six ponies and leaving the party.

Enchanted ponies were burning down buildings and harming all those around them as the anarchy exploded in the streets, and all Celestia could do was watch. "My poor little subjects," she began to cry from her balcony on the side of the castle, "I have failed you all."

"Indeed you have you wretched mule," Lord Solaris shouted from across the room, "and I can promise that this will be the last time that you do so."

"So you have helped the cult for your own personal gain cousin," Celestia turned around and faced the other alicorn, her sorrow turning into a burning hatred, "yet you still think this is for the best. I cannot believe that you have used lies and treachery to get your way. My grandfather was a horrible leader, but what you and your comrades have done to this nation is completely unforgivable. I will personally see to…"

"My untimely death, yes yes I have heard the whole speech before," Solaris rudely interrupted, "now if you would be so kind as to shut the tartarus up and let me kill you it would be appreciated."

Celestia drew a pair of swords and strapped them to her front legs, assuming a battle stance and waiting for the charge. Solaris assumed the same stance and charged his cousin, knowing that only one of them would survive and not caring who.

"You nasty old fool," Fleur De Lis screamed as she charged into Fancy Pants' home, "I have come to see to your slow and painful death."

Fancy Pants dropped the blunt hanging out of his mouth and gawked at his ex. "What getting half of my fortune and keeping all of yours wasn't enough?" he asked as he stared down Fleur, "now you are charging into my home right before I have to go out and fight. You know it's bad enough that Nightmare Moon crushed my ribcage and forced me to retire from the guard, but tonight I have to go fight average citizens simply because I do not know how to help end the insanity. And now you show up with some stupid demands. Please just make it quick."

"Really, you think this is about you?" Fleur smiled as she slowly approached the stallion, "you obviously don't know do you. Oh how shamefully out of the loop you are, your family was of means, but middle class just makes ponies like me laugh. You are nothing but a nouveau riche foal who lucked out in the Manehattan stock exchange. I have come to kill you, not for personal reasons, but because you are a possible savior to the Princesses."

"You are behind this madness?" Fancy Pants gawked at the slender mare, "but why?"

"It's all just a power thing Fancy," Jet Setter came in the door with a sabre attached to his front hoof, "you wouldn't understand with your inferior brain. Our leader the great Illuminatus has called for your disposal. This will be fun for us."

"Quickly Apple Jack, grab two of those barrels," Hadrian barked out commands as he finished teleporting all of the mane six from the party to Apple Jack's cellar at once, "Twilight and Rarity secure the perimeter! Fluttershy wake up!"

"Hehehe this is totally rad," Apple Jack laughed as she tried and failed to buck the barrels off of the shelf, "I aint never saved the world this trashed before."

"The proper way to say that is I've never," Rarity stumbled forward and put her front leg around the earth pony, "using double negatives is a total buzz-kill."

"Oh my Faust! Do I have to do everything myself?" Hadrian mumbled under his breath as Apple Jack and Rarity began to have a hoof fight in the middle of the barn. He whistled loudly and caught the attention of the pair. "KNOCK IT OFF!" he screamed at the mares before levitating the massive barrels towards him, "and Fluttershy wake up!"

Fluttershy looked around the room and groaned, "Hadrian, I'm only going to wake up if you smoke with me some more." The blonde pegasus giggled before Rainbow Dash kicked her side. "Ok ok I'm up dude," Fluttershy stumbled back to the circle.

"Ok everyone you know the drill, join hooves and I will teleport us to Canterlot,"Hadrian stepped into the middle of the circle and activated his immense power, "I really hope you six can actually pull this off."

"Don't worry about it bro," Rainbow Dash grinned, "we were ALMOST this wasted when Nightmare Moon ruined our summer sun celebration. If the Elements of Harmony can't do it then no pony can." And with that the drunk ponies teleported instantly to Canterlot, ready to fight their enemies in a battle to end all battles.

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza adorned herself with armor and prepared to fight off the crowd beginning to envelope the castle when suddenly the unconscious body of Shining Armor flew into her bedroom. "Shiny!" she screamed as she ran over to hug her husband.

Queen Chrysalis walked into the room with a smug grin on her face. "Your husband's love for you has once again given me the strength to defeat him," the changeling sneered, "and now for you to die at my mercy like a sad little filly."

"I am never going to go down without a fight," Cadence stood up and readied herself, "you can hurt me physically, but you can never truly defeat me Chrysalis."

"Blah blah blah," Chrysalis jeered back, "let's just do this damn thing."

Discord flew up into the air and made the atmosphere into a fiery abyss. He caused hot lava to rain down from the sky, singeing every pony on the streets who was not under the chaos spell. He tore through the pink cotton candy clouds and spit acid on every passing pegasus he could. "Stupid little ponies," he laughed at their misfortune, "I love causing horrible things to happen to all of you." He flew up even higher and began to descend as fast as he could, causing a sonic cone to begin to appear around him. He kept increasing velocity, plummeting to the ground at top speed until the most horrific rain-boom of all time was created. "Sonic pain-boom," He grinned as it shredded apart the atmosphere and sent a deafening blast at every pony near him, "I haven't had this much fun in ages."

The changelings began to follow his lead, plummeting head first into the castle to try and undermine its foundation. "Hahahaha," Discord menacingly laughed at the damage he was causing, "chaos reigns supreme!" He landed gracefully on top of a cloud, awaiting the inevitable attack from one of the princesses. He made a glass of chocolate milk appear and took a smug sip, watching as the Changelings continued to dive bomb the castle head first.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Luna smashed through the cloud, grabbed Discord, and hurtled him towards the ground faster than he could recover from. She struck him with lightening and screamed, "get up you wretched cur," at the monster.

"It's about damn time you showed up," Discord pulled himself up out of a crater and fixed his eyebrows from the static coming off of them, "I have only been waiting all day."

"Thou art a vile monstrous coward, hath thee no decency?" Luna cried out as she looked upon the carnage Discord had caused. She struck him with another lightning bolt, hearing Discord cry out in pain.

"What art thou drawn among these foalish fools?" Discord sneered, dusting himself off to mimic the princess' verbal mannerisms, "turn thee Luna and look upon thy death!"

The ponies landed in the highest room of the tallest tower of Canterlot Castle. Hadrian was out of breath, using that amount of magic wasn't good for any pony, not even a royal alicorn. "Ok girls, I need you to…find the element charms and use them as soon as possible," he spoke with authority even as the sweat poured off of his brow, "I will use my stoner spell to get every single pony in this city high all at once which will effectively break the curse."

"Are you sure you have enough herb?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah, I'll be fine, just go now!" Hadrian claimed, "we don't have much time." And with that the mane six ponies ran as quickly as their drunk hooves could carry them, down the stairs from atop the highest tower in Canterlot Castle. Hadrian broke open the barrels and began to focus all of his energy. With all of his power and all of his might, the prince enveloped all of the glorious ganja into a single massive spell.

"All is going according to plan," Illuminatus smiled at the havoc he was wreaking upon the pony masses, "now the only thing which can stop me is a massive, herbal based spell, and not a single pony in all of Equestria, not even the royals, have that kind of power under their control." The enchanted pony mob was burning government buildings, the changelings were undermining the castle's foundation, Discord was causing untold damage, and an explosive charge was to be set under the city, causing the entire capitol to slide off of the mountain side. As soon as the New Pony Order had left the city in ruin, all evidence of their crime would be wiped from the face of the planet.

Suddenly, Illuminatus noticed a disturbance in the atmosphere. He looked towards the castle and noticed a massive ball of energy begin to form atop the highest tower. "It can't be," he cringed at the site. The green ball of energy burst, sending out shock waves of magically enhanced THC at the populous, and as suddenly as the revolt had started it stopped. "NO, no, no, no, no, no!" Illuminatus cried out as the fires stopped and the crowd ceased to destroy everything in their path, "centuries of planning, years of preparation, and those Faust damned assassins didn't kill the only pony in Equestria who could stop me! What the Tartarus happened to my assassins?"

At the party in Ponyville, which had never stopped despite the uproar in Canterlot, three large, vicious looking, incredibly powerful unicorns were almost too intoxicated to comprehend anything. "Wow Sprinkles Wallace just smoked with us," one of the assassins grinned, "I'm so glad Illuminatus sent us to this epic party!"

"Wait, wait, guys I think we bucked up," another suddenly realized, "we were sent to this party to kill somepony and I think he left like thirty minutes ago. Illuminatus will kill us for sure."

"That's if they didn't kill him already," the third snickered, "I mean really if our target was as important as they said he was then our leader will be dead wayyy before he can kill us."

"I find yalls' lack of professionalism disturbin," Sprinkles grinned as he levitated three shots over to the would be assassins, "but who give a crap fa reals, this party too damn fun to be interrupted by some bullshit."

"Good point," the first assassin smiled, "now pass those shots over here while we reevaluate our career options."

"Oh boy and now there are blood stains in my damned carpet," Fancy Pants sneered at his incapacitated foes. Jet Setter and Fleur were tied up and bleeding profusely, "you both owe me for this 8th century pottery I smashed on your skulls."

"I refuse to pay for anything you common pony trash," Jet Setter tried to sound tough even with an injured, blood soaked face. Fancy Pants kicked the wealthy unicorn in his face for the sixth time that evening and watched as the stallion began to weep like a newborn foal.

"I believe that one just scuffed my shoe," Fancy Pants tisked at his sterling silver horseshoe (a gift from Rarity), "you owe me a new set Jet. Now if you don't mind telling me where the bomb is hidden… I would really hate to waste my cast iron pans on that simply garish skull of yours."

"But how did you manage to defeat both of us?" Fleur asked as Fancy Pants made his way to the kitchen, "you were nearly killed when Nightmare Moon crushed your ribcage and your lung collapsed, you always have so many health problems. And the lazy eye, I mean come on…"

"For starters the monocle is a fashion statement," Fancy paused before pulling out his cast iron skillet, "and of course I have health problems, you don't think I picked Shining Sparkle replace me for no reason at all? In fact I just know ways to fight that little spoiled rich ponies like you could only dream of having the patience to learn." He swung the skillet in the air a couple of times with his magic, cracking a smile, "you know I don't really care for the idea of a New Pony Order, seems like a massive waste of time and energy… or in this case fine cooking utensils. So did you want to tell me who your leader is and where I can find the bomb, or will I have to slug you out of the park?"

"I will see you bucked all the way to tartarus you uncouth bastard," Jet Setter cried out, "you can strike me all you want, but when our plan succeeds your death will…" Jet Setter fell cold to the ground as a nasty 'ping' sound was heard. The iron skillet remained completely unscathed.

"Well fancy that," Fancy Pants grinned at his flawless skillet, "Rarity has quite the taste in cooking wear."

"Don't hit me," Fleur cringed at the devious grin on Fancy's face, "I will tell you everything."

Hadrian was completely drained; his power had been used up in a very short amount of time and it was hard for him to even stand. Two teleportations with a large group, and the biggest herbal spell ever done by a pony had left him completely breathless, magic-less, and sweating as if it were the middle of August. He stumbled over to the window and looked out at the peace he had created, feeling truly proud of himself before collapsing on the floor.

Suddenly with a flash of light, Illuminatus appeared in the tower room, the absolute loathing and anger apparent on his face. "You stupid, lazy, pot smoking, son of the queen of whores!" Illuminatus screamed, "you have ruined my plans, ruined my perfect society, ruined the twenty richest bloodlines in all of Equestria."

"Well I guess I just did my job," Hadrian quietly rasped out from his spot on the floor, "if you go now and hoof yourself in I promise that you will be given community service Ingolstadt… but only if we don't have to extradite you to the Griffons or the Zebras."

"Me serve this community of wretched commoners," Illuminatus stuck out his tongue in disgust, "I would rather just take you captive in this severely weakened state and use you to force your mother to abdicate her position."

"It's not gonna work," Hadrian chuckled at the desperate pony's last attempt, "but hey you might as well give it a try, after all it's not like they do horrible things to a wealthy unicorn in a zebra prison." Illuminatus cringed before tying a rope around the prince. Once the royal hostage was secure, Illuminatus began his teleportation spell, and readied himself for the last ditch effort to cling to power.

"Princess Celestia are you… oh," Twilight ran through the door into the princess' chambers to see the carcass of Lord Solaris bleeding out onto the hardwood floor. Celestia appeared to be hurt, a deep gash in her leg and a nasty scratch near her left eye, but other than that the princess was relatively fine.

"Oh Faust," Fluttershy screamed at the dead body before throwing up in the hallway.

"Dude I can't believe the princess just killed somepony," Rainbow Dash smiled, "Celestia is fricken awesome." The rest of the drunk ponies just stared in shock at the sight.

"I'm so sorry you girls had to see this," Celestia spoke softly, "but you must leave me be and help Cadence and Luna, for they are still in battle with our kingdom's greatest foes."

"Ok Princess," Twilight slowly backed out of the room, "you should probably seek medical attention for that leg though." Twilight closed Celestia's door, stating, "we didn't see anything," to her friends. The six drunk ponies stumbled down the hallway to Cadence's room.

Rainbow Dash was first through the door, "ah ha Chrysalis, it's time for a brawl!" She stopped to see Cadence braiding Chrysalis' mane and was absolutely confused. "Umm Twilight you might want to come take a look at this," Dash frowned.

"What the tartarus happened?" Twilight exclaimed as she stared at her former baby sitter.

"Hadrian's spell went off without a hitch and calmed my changelings and I enough to realize that love is abundant here and there is more than enough to feed off of with an agreement," Chrysalis grinned, "me and Miss Cadenza here have just worked out a truce and started braiding each other's manes."

"And Shining Armor is pretty much asleep over there," Cadence pointed to Twilight's brother, "Chrys here may have sucked out some of his love energy for dinner so yeah."

"But wait, Celestia defeated Solaris, you made peace with Chrysalis, then that leaves," Pinkie paused for a moment and considered, "wait does that leave T-Rock?"

"Who in tarnation is T-Rock?" Apple Jack questioned.

"No I'm thinking of the wrong generation," Pinkie Pie stated, "gee I wonder how my auntie Surprise is doing."

"Pinkie darling," Rarity stumbled forward, "that leaves the villain you like the most."

"Oh oh oh you mean the flying spaghetti monster?" Pinkie claimed.

"No dumbass she means Discord," Chrysalis chuckled as Pinkie's puffy mane deflated. All eyes suddenly turned to Chrysalis, angry glares surrounding her, "what I thought she was joking, I guess my sense of humor is just different. Aren't ponies supposed to accept differences?"

"You know what, we're gonna be back to beat your sorry flank later," Rainbow Dash sneered, "we have more important crap to do now."

"Oh manure," Apple Jack frowned as she felt a warm liquid begin to envelope her hooves, "Ah think Fluttershy done threw up again."

"Damn thee to an eternal pit of fire!" Luna screamed at Discord as his magical laser beam grazed the side of her head, "thou art a putrid pock marked hoof licker, a mangled mumbling maggot monster, a greedy flea bitten lout."

"And thee dear Luna art nothing more than a figure head with zero power and a secret hatred for your superior sister," Discord sneered back, "such a fool to assume that thou could defeat me!"

"Hey Discord!" a voice shouted from behind the beast.

Discord looked around and discovered that the pony behind the voice was none other than Twilight Sparkle, along with all of her friends, wielding the elements. "Well aint this about a…" the beast began but was cut off by a sudden blast from the elements which turned him back into stone.

"Thou have saved me Twilight, perhaps I am appreciated," Luna smiled a massive smile, a single tear beginning to form below her brow.

"Princess, if we didn't love you then why else would we have helped you," Twilight smiled back.

"Well Miss Sparkle I suppose I am in a debt of gratitude to you and your friends once again," Luna bowed her head, "now leave me to contemplate the victory while your friends finish the job you have started so well." Luna watched with a smile as the six ponies returned her bow before leaving to finish their job. "So Discord, who's inferior now?" she laughed at the statue.

After incapacitating several of the elites, Fancy Pants found the bomb placed in a very peculiar point on the mountain city's structure. "Damn it Filthy Rich if you don't give me the code to defuse this bomb I will smash your teeth in with this… surprisingly dent free skillet," Fancy Pants grinned at his still spotless (except for a few blood droplets) skillet before turning his gaze back to Filthy Rich.

The earth pony was stunned. "I promised my leader that I would never tell," he cringed as Fancy approached, "but it's 3..4..5..6… please don't hurt me any more."

"Wow this sounds like a combination Pinkie Pie would have used," Fancy Pants smiled as the lock worked, "I suppose I should listen to that pink menace more often."

Hadrian remained too weak to do anything as he watched Canterlot begin to recover from the massive shock. "Hey cyclops it looks like you failed," Hadrian weakly teased, "you know that the eye patch just makes you look like a crappy knockoff of Slick Rick."

"Shut up you dread lock wearing buffoon," Illuminatus sneered as he kicked the incapacitated prince, "you and I both know that one day the super-rich will run this world just as they do every other world."

"Nope, sorry," Hadrian smiled even as he received another kick to the stomach.

"Of course we will, the rich rule every planet in every galaxy that is not super advanced or super primitive," Illuminatus screamed, "ponies are the exception, not the rule!"

"Yes but we remain an exception because greed is almost nonexistent here," Hadrian laughed, "even if you somehow manage to pull this off the ponies will reject you. They are not greedy, they will not accept bribes and live to hate each other, they only have love and tolerance. That is why our society thrives!"

"Shut up shut up shut up!" Illuminatus began to kick the prince profusely, "the new pony order will rise and you and your entire family can all just…"

A loud pang noise was heard as Illuminatus fell to the ground. Fancy Pants stood behind the unconscious stallion with a huge grin on his face, marveling his skillet. "Good Faust I simply must find whoever makes these and thank them profusely," he chuckled, "still not a scratch on the darn thing."

"Well Fancy it looks like once again you are the secret hero behind it all," Hadrian grinned as the older stallion untied him, "are you sure that you don't want any statues or anything because I swear you have saved Equestria almost as many times as the Elements of Harmony have."

"Think nothing of it," Fancy Pants smiled, "these idiots were easier to fight than any foe I have ever remembered, and of course it was a group effort. If anything you deserve the praise for stopping that mob, and the changelings with your stoner spell. All it took to find the bomb and save you was this skillet."

"Let's just let Twilight Sparkle and her friends have the glory per usual," Hadrian claimed, "it's probably better for us to just assume a minor background role and let the real heroes have another moment in the sun."

"Indeed," Fancy Pants smiled as he pulled a blunt out of his pocket, "care to partake old friend?"

"Abso-buckin-lutely," Hadrian grabbed the herbal cigar and took a long drag, "I have been waiting a whole hour to hear someone ask that."

"So Hadrian broke the spell, all of the villains have been vanquished, and that Illuminatus guy is tied up to the statue of Discord for ponies to throw their trash at?" Pinkie summed up the entire evening in one question, "doesn't this mean we should get back to the party?!" The rest of her friends just groaned at the suggestion.

"Pinkie has the right idea," Celestia limped out, carrying Hadrian's bong, "we should just enjoy tonight and then tomorrow have a nice ceremony for our heroes. ALL of our heroes."

"Mom, if you celebrate the fact that I did exactly what my cutie mark is for then I promise I will not show up," Hadrian exclaimed as he and Fancy Pants returned to the castle pavilion, "I couldn't have done anything without Fancy Pants anyway."

"And I could have not done a thing without the elements so how about Twilight, Pinkie, AJ, Dash, Fluttershy, and my beloved Rarity just take the credit again and let the rest of us have our peace," Fancy Pants claimed, "besides all of that skull bashing has made me sleepy." The rest of the ponies just laughed, because once again Equestria had averted a crisis.

Prologue

Prologue

The day of the great zebra revolt shocked the world. A peaceful, prosperous kingdom, home to a benevolent ruler had fallen into anarchy, spurred by some unknown cause. The newspapers in Equestria expressed the shock felt by ponies everywhere, but only one debuted a story worth reading. The son of the ambassador had been saved by none other than the Grand Princess Celestia, ruler of a thousand year empire which had turned Equestria from a tiny stain on the globe into the most powerful nation ever. The expression used by many was, "the world is ruled from Canterlot," which is why it shocked so many to find that the Princess herself had saved a 9 year old colt from certain death. She credited the young Zebra/Unicorn (then seen wearing an oddly bulky green vest) with doing most of the work for himself, calling him incredibly gifted.

He made the voyage safely to Canterlot, and was said to have found a new home. When the papers tried to reach him for questioning, the young unicorn was nowhere to be found. Rumors circulated, but were quickly put down as more interesting things happened quickly in Equestria. Little did they know the impact this colt would later have on their world.

Epilogue

The princesses continued about their regular duties, only now with a couple of facial scars to allow for more intimidation. The mares of the elements of harmony received a holiday in their honor. Prince Hadrian became a dignitary to the Zebras and helped establish peaceful elections to be set up in their new republic (and continues to smoke the ganja on a daily basis). Twilight dated the stallion for a while, then dumped him due to the stresses of a long distance relationship. Rarity and Fancy Pants remain a couple, and Sweetie Belle and Spike are almost there as well. Fluttershy fell for Sprinkles Wallace, and the two of them are currently planning their wedding in Bucklin. Apple Jack put out a mixtape, produced by her brother, which sold like crazy. And Apple Bloom eventually got her cutie mark for beat boxing. So all's well that ends well I guess.

"Hey mister Pootie, what about me?"

Oh yeah, and Pinkie Pie's epic party made the front page of Equestria Daily, and the cover of Pony Vibe magazine. She remains the best party thrower on their planet. Is that better?

"Well I guess, but this whole story is full of crap anyway. I mean just how stoned were you when you wrote this crap sandwich?"

Stoned enough Pinkie… stoned enough.