Kiss the Bride
Rainbow Dash groaned loudly, glaring daggers out her window at the sun rising over the mountains. On any normal day, she'd be thankful for the intrusion to her sleep; more often than not it was the only thing that got her to work on time. Today, however, was her day off, and that meant sleeping in. Or it did, until a certain alicorn decided that the sun just needed to be raised to the perfect point in the sky where it would shine directly into Rainbow's window.
“Go back to sleep, Celestia,” Rainbow moaned, using as little strength as possible and flopping onto her side, away from the incriminating light. “It's too early...”
Sliding her blanket back up to just below her muzzle, Rainbow sighed contentedly, closing her eyes and shifting just enough to get comfortable again. As soon as she was ready to fall back asleep, a loud popping noise caused her eyes to snap open. It was a popping noise she knew well.
“What do you want, Twilight?” Rainbow half-growled half-sighed, not even looking towards the unicorn who had just teleported into her room.
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight cried urgently, her tone catching the pegasus off guard. Twilight sounded panicked, and that meant one of two things; either something was seriously wrong, or there was a very small problem that Twilight was freaking out over. Either way, Equestria could well hang in the balance
Jumping out of bed and stumbling to her hooves, Rainbow turned to look at her early-morning guest. “What's wrong, Twi, is-... uh... Twi?” Rainbow blinked dumbly. Before her was Twilight Sparkle, purple coat and all, but there was something very wrong with the current picture. “Why are you wearing a wedding dress?”
“No time to explain!” Twilight shouted, shaking he head – her veil flying off in the process. “The future of Equestria rests in your hooves!”
Rainbow blinked. Then again. Finally, after a third stunned, uncomprehending blink, she regained enough mental fortitude to offer a befuddle “What?”
“The fate of Equestria hangs in the balance!” Twilight repeated urgently, marching forward and taking Rainbow's cheeks in her hooves. “You have to kiss me!”
“Uhh.... no?” Rainbow offered, pulling her head out of Twilight's grip. “What the hay, Twi? What's going on?”
Twilight groaned impatiently. “I don't have much time! Just trust me, okay? You need to kiss me.”
“How about... no?”
Huffing, Twilight took a moment to magically straighten her dress before once again eliminating what little personal space Rainbow had managed to regain. “Look, I don't have time.” With that she lunged, taking Rainbow Dash to the floor with her and landing on top of the pegasus.
“Twi! What the heck are you-”
“I'm sure you'll forgive me,” Twilight muttered before leaning down and planting her lips firmly on Rainbow's own. Face lighting up a bright red, Rainbow struggled to get away, but found herself held still in Twilight's surprising strong magical hold. She opened her mouth to protest, but quickly found out why that was a bad idea as she felt something very warm and very wet slip between her teeth.
Rainbow's thrashing increased temporarily as Twilight's tongue invaded her mouth, but she was only reminded of Twilight's magical grip. Some quick thought raised through her mind, telling her to just bite down as hard as she could, but as she looked up and saw the eyelids of her best friend, she found herself unable to carry through with it. Instead she clenched her own eyes shut, waiting for it to end. Only, as soon as she did, as soon as she stopped seeing Twilight above her, she started paying more attention to the way the tongue moved in her mouth.
As she lay there, unable to move save for minor twitches, unable to see except the blackness of her own eyelids, and unable to focus on anything except the foreign invader, a part of her mind she had no control over started enjoying itself. That part grew, taking over as much as it could, until she felt herself starting to kiss back. Just as she did though, Twilight broke away, panting heavily and levelling an deadpan expression down at her victim.
“It's about time!” She shouted, climbing off the pegasus. “I thought it would have been faster. Anyway, my work is done, so I'll see you later!”
“Wait!” Rainbow shouted, jumping to her hooves. Before she could say anything more Twilight's body lit up with a bright white glow, and she teleported away, back down to the ground or even as far as her own house.
Rainbow blinked the spots out of her eyes, a ruby blush still burning on her cheeks as she struggled to comprehend what had just happened. Was it some kind of prank? No; Twilight was never one for pranks, although if Pinkie had set it all up it might make a little more sense. Or maybe Twilight has just gone crazy. No matter what the explanation was, Rainbow knew one thing for sure; she needed to find out what was going on.
Rubbing at her cheeks to try and get the blood out of them – an effort that proved fruitless – Rainbow jumped into the air, spinning around and smashing straight through her wall. The flight to Ponyville was a quick and cool one, the fresh morning breeze nipping at her coat as she shot through the air. Within seconds she was over the town, and from there it was only a matter of landing in front of the library.
The darkened library. Not a single light shone through the windows, and the sign on the door still read closed. None of this deterred Rainbow, however, as she pounded harshly on the door, rattling the sign and ignoring the startled shriek from within.
“Coming!” Twilight's voice shouted. Rainbow didn't even slow her knocking, though the call reminded her that she had no idea what she was planning on doing now that she was actually on the unicorn's doorstep. Get an explanation? Demand an apology? Revenge? Revenge sounded good.
The door flew open, putting a halt to both her thoughts and her knocking, lest she hit Twilight in the face. Actually, the more she thought about it, the less that sounded like a bad idea. Either way, Twilight was there now, and... it looked like she'd just gotten out of bed. Her mane was rough and tangle, while her coat was matted. Most striking, however, was the lack of a wedding dress. However, Rainbow shoved all these nuances to the back of her mind, instead opting to match the glare Twilight was levelling at her.
“Would you like to say something, or just continue trying to break down my door?” Twilight growled, her voice hoarse from sleep.
“Yeah, I would like something!” Rainbow snapped, taking a powerful step forward and pushing a suddenly stunned Twilight back into the main room of the library. “I'd like to know just what the heck is up with you!”
Twilight blinked, then rolled her eyes. “Oh, I don't know. Let's assume, for a second, that maybe I'm just the teeniest tiniest bit irritated. Now, I wonder why? Oh that's right; I was looking forward to sleeping in this morning, until somepony decided to try and knock a hole through my front door!”
“Not that,” Rainbow shouted, waving her hooves around. “I meant a few minutes ago! You know, when you teleported into my house and... uh...” she blushed, trailing off into mumbles, before giving her head a firm shake. “And what was with the wedding dress anyway!?”
“What? Rainbow what in Equestria are you talking about?”
Rainbow groaned. “You know exactly what I'm talking about!”
Shaking her head, Twilight's features gradually shifted from annoyed to confused. “Rainbow, I don't have the foggiest idea what you mean; I just woke up, and I haven't been to your house in... forever. I don't even own a wedding dress.”
“But you... I...”
Twilight bit her lip. “Did you... maybe hit your head doing a new stunt? Or maybe it was a dream?”
“What? No! No I... I know what happened! You jumped me in a wedding dress and...”
“And what, Rainbow? What happened?” Twilight pressed.
Rainbow shook her head again, taking a step back. “This is.. this is some kind of prank, right? Like, you're going to pretend to not know what I'm talking about, and let it drive me nuts, right? That's what you're planning? Revenge for the vanishing ink thing?” She stomped her hoof, nostrils flaring. “Well it’s not gonna work!”
“Rainbow, when have I ever pranked you? And even if I did, why would I do it in a wedding dress - which, again, I don't even own.”
“I... I saw you! I know what I saw,” Rainbow protested quickly, falling back onto her haunches. “You can't trick me!”
Twilight sighed. “You said I jumped you, right? Were you just waking up or laying down? Unable to move?”
“Uh.. yeah?” She shook her head firmly. “Don’t give me that! You know what you did!”
“There's a condition called sleep paralysis. Basically, it happens to some ponies when they're just waking up. They're awake, but completely unable to move, and do occasionally have extremely vivid hallucinations, usually extensions of whatever they were dreaming of before waking up. Could that be what happened to you?”
Rainbow licked her lips, realizing just how dry her mouth was. “I... maybe?” Was that it? Had it all been some kind of weird dream? But... it felt so real... and she had been moving around before, right? She'd been fully awake, hadn't she?
“That's what it sounds like to me,” Twilight noted, allowing a relieved smile to brighten her features. “If that's the case then it's nothing to worry about; it's just a little quirk with your brain chemistry. If it's something that keeps happening then there are things you can do to stop it.”
“So... then it was a... really, really realistic dream?” Rainbow frowned. If she was being honest with herself, that made more sense than what she thought had happened. Twilight, in a wedding dress? Kissing her? As if.
Twilight nodded. “That's about right. Though for it to include me in a wedding dress...” she trailed off, stiffing a giggle. “I wonder what you were dreaming about before waking up. Do you remember?”
“I... no, I don't...” Rainbow forced a weak chuckle. “Yeah must've been some dream... thanks, Twi; for a few minutes there I thought I was going crazy.”
“Not a problem, Rainbow. Since you're here, would you like to come in for some coffee?”
Rainbow shook her head. “No!” She blushed at the crack in her voice. “I uh... I mean no, thank you. I really just came here 'cause I thought you were trying to prank me. I should really be getting back home. Got some very important napping to catch up on. You know how it is”
“Alright. I'll see you around, Rainbow,” Twilight said, though before she could finish her surprise guest had already flown out the door, the air current left in her wake slamming it shut. Her brow furrowed for a moment, but she shrugged it off, shaking her head and chuckling quietly. “Me in a wedding dress? Just what was she dreaming about anyway?”
“Alright, Rainbow,” she muttered to herself as she flew back towards her house. “It was just a dream. Which means Twilight didn't break into your bedroom in a wedding dress. She didn’t kiss you, you definitely didn't like it, and you most certainly didn't kiss her back. Right?”
She flew back into the hole in the wall she'd created on her way out. “Ri-...” she swallowed thickly, her own affirmation dying on her lips.
There was a white wedding veil on her floor. She snapped her head away, chest heaving.
“Get a grip, Dash!” Rainbow yelled, holding a hoof to her forehead. She took a cautious peek over her shoulder.
It was still there.
“How can it be there, it was just a dream, right? Just a dream, that in no way says anything at all about how you feel, right? It wasn't real!” Again she looked back. It was still on her floor.
“Okay... so maybe it was real. Maybe Twi's lying and this is some kind of prank. What does that mean?” She looked to her right, through her bathroom door and right at her own reflection in the mirror. “It means you weren't dreaming about kissing Twilight in a wedding dress... it does mean that you did actually kiss Twilight, and it does mean that you did actually like it.”
It was still behind her, attesting to the actuality of the events that had transpired not even a half hour earlier.
“Or it really was a dream, and you're going crazy... crazy enough to hallucinate kissing Twilight... in a wedding dress...”
There was a bright flash behind her and a pop, and Rainbow whirled around with an angry glare as Twilight – once again wearing a wedding dress – appeared in her bedroom. “Ah-ha!” Rainbow shouted victoriously, pointing a hoof at the purple intruder. “I caught you, red-hoofed!”
Twilight smiled. “Hey, sorry; forgot something,” she said, picking up her veil in her magic. “Might cause a few problems if I left this behind... wait, what are you doing here?”
“Are you trying to drive me nuts or something? Pinkie put you up to this, right?” Rainbow accused, narrowing her eyes. “I'm on to you, Sparkle. Don’t think you can play like some kind of easy-to-play instrument!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Fiddle. The word you’re thinking of is fiddle. And actually you put me up to this. Well... kinda... it's a little complicated.” She shook her head firmly. “That's not the point! You're supposed to go to my place and... oh for the love of Celestia, here.”
“Whoa whoa whoa wait a second what are you-” Once again Rainbow's speech was cut short by a pair of surprisingly soft lips pressing onto her own, instantly igniting her face in a scarlet blush. It was short this time, and lasted mere seconds. Even so, some rebellious part of of her mind leaned forward as Twilight pulled back, trying to keep the connection alive.
Giggling, Twilight held a hoof out and pushed Rainbow away. “Silly, you'll have to work for that next time. See you soon.” With that the unicorn was gone with a bright flash of magic.
Still blushing, Rainbow growled and jumped out of her house again, shooting across the skies of Ponyville and landing hard in front of Golden Oaks library. Without slowing down she burst through the unlocked door. “Twilight!”
“Gah!” Twilight, who had been sprawled out on the couch with a book and mug of coffee, jumped at the sudden, noisy intrusions. Flailing her forelegs, the unicorn fell to the floor in a heap. Her precious caffeine was barely saved in a lavender glow. She lifted her head, blowing a stray tangle of mane from her face and shooting a venomous glare at the pegasus standing in her doorway.
“Rainbow Dash,” she deadpanned. “Please, do come in. No, no; I’m fine, don’t worry about it. Just hanging out. Down here. On the floor.”
“Enough with playing dumb!” Rainbow shouted, stomping across the floor and returning Twilight's look with an equally sharp glare even as her cheeks started burning. From this angle, Twilight's lips had become very apparent. She wasn't staring at them, or anything like that, they just... suddenly looked very large.
Twilight groaned as she pushed herself off the floor. “How can I help you?” She offered, her frustration not at all hidden beneath the thin veil of chipperness she put on.
“You can start by explaining who the hay put you up to this. Then you can apologize. Then you can get yourself ready for some revenge, Rainbow Dash style.”
“Uh...” Twilight blinked, glancing around as though she weren't the one Rainbow was talking to. “Pardon?”
Rainbow's teeth ground together, as she stomped angrily across the room. “You know exactly what I'm talking about!”
“This again? I thought we already established you simply had a case of sleep paralysis and that I certainly wasn’t in your bedroom this morning in a wedding dress.” She huffed and sat back on her couch. “Or did something else happen? Did Celestia break into your home and steal your toothbrush again?”
“I’m telling you-” Rainbow’s tone became dangerously seriously. “I’m onto her. She can’t keep it a secret forever. I know she’s taking them. It’s only a matter of time before I catch her in the act” She shook her head forcefully. “But that’s not the point! I know what you did, Sparkle. I don’t know why, and honestly I don’t know how you’re making me think the things I’ve been thinking, but I’m putting an end to it.”
Twilight sighed, rubbed at her temple, looked longingly at her book. She took a long, slow drink from her coffee before gently setting it down. “Rainbow Dash.” Her voice was calm and level. “Celestia is not stealing your toothbrushes. I did not do anything. You’re just going crazy, and I think we should have a serious discussion about your mental health.”
There she went again, flapping her lips in that not-at-all enticing way, denying the basics facts laid out so obviously in front of Rainbow’s eyes. “Oh, really, I’m crazy? Me?”
“I mean, enough head trauma will do that to anypony,” Twilight said nonchalantly. “Honestly, we all knew it was coming. Granted, a little sooner than I thought.”
Rainbow rolled up her non-existent sleeves. This unicorn wanted to play hardball? Rainbow could play hardball. Rainbow lived hardball. Breathed hardball. Rainbow Dash was the hardest ball. “Fine. Screw an explanation. We’re skipping straight to the revenge portion of the show!”
“Revenge for wh-eep!” Twilight squealed as she was tackled in a cyan blur, and when next she opened her eyes she was pinned to the ground beneath and furiously blushing pegasus. “Rainbow Dash! What in Equestria do you think you’re-mmph! Mmmmph mmmph!”
Well, kissing her seemed to shut her up. Rainbow didn’t really know what she was doing, just that she wanted revenge, and Twilight just made her lips look so inviting. Had she borrowed some of Rarity’s lipstick? Maybe it was some kind of spell. She didn’t know. Didn’t really care, honestly. But the way Twilight’s eyes were wide and frozen in shock, the forceful kiss had the intended result.
The Twilight seemed to regain control of her faculties, and in a lavender glow Rainbow was lifted from the unicorn, ending their lip lock and leaving them both panting, staring at each other. They blinked numbly, Rainbow just hanging there, suspended in a purple glow.
“Rainbow… what…-” Twilight trailed off.
Rainbow grinned. “Revenge is a dish best served cold, Twi. Though I gotta admit; that was pretty hot.”
Twilight blushed. Sputtered. Seemed at a loss for words. Served her right. Although, she’d be lying to herself if she said she didn’t kinda want to do it again. Just for extra revenge. One-up the unicorn properly. After all, there had been tongue, last time. Smiling lecherously at the thought, and with the unicorn beneath her still far too distracted to focus properly on her magic, she struggled free from the telekinetic grip and flopped down atop Twilight.
“Get ready for the make out session of your life, Sparkle.”
Twilight felt like screaming for help. Felt like she should have summoned every last self-defence spell she knew and blow her to kingdom come. Another part of her, that little niggling thought that whispered her darkest thoughts in her ear, was too curious to see just where this was about to go.
After all, she’d be lying if she said she didn’t find her current predicament just the tiniest bit hot as hell.
Meanwhile, Spike stood in the kitchen doorway, sipping his own mug of coffee and shaking his head. “Honestly, the least they could do is go out to dinner first.” He sighed, finished his cup, and walked away.
The dragon came back with a camera a few seconds later.
Twilight paced back and forth anxiously, her long white dress trailing behind her. “Where is she!?”
Biting her lip nervously, Rarity kept fixing Twilight with her magic, adjusting her dress, her mane, her makeup. “Calm down, dear; Applejack and Fluttershy will have her here on time. Oh, you’re going to ruin your mane. If you could just-” Twilight turned and huffed, starting off in another direction. Rarity growled. “Stop moving!”
The door burst open, and Rainbow Dash flew in - mane and wedding dress billowing wildly and making Rarity all but burst into tears - with a panicked shriek. Behind her followed a bedraggled Fluttershy and Applejack with a lasso circling above her head. “Rainbow Dash! Y’all had better get ready for the whoopin of yer lifetime if you don’t- oh. Hey Rare’s!” She skidded to a stop, nodding happily as Rainbow was snatched in a purple glow. “How’s things going on your end?”
Rarity glanced between the pegasus frozen in mid-flight and the butter yellow mare panting in the doorway. “Better than yours, apparently. Do I even want to know?”
“No,” came Fluttershy’s deadpan response. “But we got her here.”
Sighing, Twilight lowered her soon-to-be wife to the floor, slowly releasing her magic hold. “Rainbow,” she greeted. “I trust you’re ready?”
The pegasus nodded a little too rapidly. “Yeah! Totally good to go!”
Twilight’s eyes narrowed, but before she could prod too much more Rainbow actually took in what she was seeing. Twilight. In a wedding dress. Then, Rarity plopped the veil atop the unicorn’s head, and she gasped. “Oh my gosh! Twi, you gotta kiss me!”
“Uh…” Twilight blinked, wincing as she felt Rarity tugging at her mane. “I mean, there is a kiss in the ceremony, I guess, but-”
“No! You gotta go kiss me two years ago!”
There was a deafening slap as Twilight’s hoof met Twilight’s face. “Rainbow, what in Equestria are you going on about now? Is this your way of getting cold hooves? Because I swear if you-”
Rainbow shook her head vigorously. “No, Twi, listen; do you remember how we got together?”
“You practically molested me in front of Spike?”
“No… well, yeah, but-” Rainbow groaned and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “I kissed you because you kissed me! In my house! Wearing a wedding dress. As in the exact wedding dress you’re wearing right now.”
Twilight’s eyes widened. “Wait, you mean…” she trailed off, and then she groaned. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Seriously?”
“Yeah! I swear, it was that exact dress. Veil and everything. You gotta go back in time and kiss me or we’ll never get together! Then this will never happen and time will fall apart at the seams!”
“That is… not how it works…”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Sure it is; I read it in a book once. Look, if you want to marry me, you gotta go back in time and sexually assault me. I’m talking the full deal; there was tongue, Twi. Tongue!”
Groaning, Twilight stomped her hooves. “Ugh. Look, fine I’ll do it, just…” she pointed a hoof at the other gathered mares, starting in equal parts shock in confusion. “You girls make sure she doesn’t use this as an excuse to go do something… stupid.”
There was a flash and a pop and Twilight was gone.
Applejack blinked. “What in tarnation just happened?”
“Long story,” Rainbow said with a shrug. “Look, she’ll be back soon. In the meantime, I really need you guys to track down Spike.”
“Spike?” Fluttershy echoed curiously. “Why? He’s running the projector, what-”
With a flash, Twilight was back in the room, a scowl on her face. “There. I did it. You should be on your way to making out with me now.”
“Did you give me the full experience? I’m telling you, Twi; if I’d reported you there were some serious charges on your plate.”
Twilight scoffed. “Please; as if I would leave enough evidence behind for a conviction. What do you think I am, an amatuer? Trust me; past Rainbow Dash has experienced what she’s missing out on.”
Rarity’s eye twitched. “Twilight! Your veil!”
“Huh?” she reached up and patted the top of her head, realizing ti was gone. “Shoot, it must have fallen off. I’ll be back.”
Then she was gone again, and Rainbow wiped the sweat from her brow. “Great, okay, seriously; someone bring me that little rat’s head on a plate before she gets back. He’s got-”
But it was too late. Twilight came back, with her veil, and nodded to herself approvingly. “Well, I think I undershot the exact timing a bit, but I think it worked out. With any luck, we’ll be having a steamy make-out session any minute now… well, two years ago. Oh, you know what I mean.”
Rainbow was sweating bullets, and all too soon they heard their entrance cue from within the wedding hall, and she swallowed nervously. “W-well, Twi… that’s us.”
“Indeed it is.” Twilight took a breath, retouched her mane - which Rarity stealthily fixed right after - and nodded to herself. “Shall we marry?”
The doors opened. They stepped forward.
Projected on the back wall were close-up snapshots of the two of them making out. Spike stood behind the projector, a grin on his face. “You should have paid up, Rainbow Dash!”
Stood behind the altar was Celestia, a light blue toothbrush with a rainbow lightning bolt emblazoned on it hanging limply out of her mouth as she stared at the scandalous photos.
Rainbow pointed at the monarch. “I bloody knew it!”
Twilight looked out across the scene, seemingly unphased by the chaos, and nodded. “Yeah, that’s about right.” She turned to the pegasus. “You may kiss the bride.”
“Huh? Oh-” she was grabbed and dragged to the floor, not entirely unlike Spike’s photos, and ponies couldn’t decide which pair of passionate mares to look at.
Side by side, Rarity and Applejack watched from the large double doors. Fluttershy fainted behind them.
“You know,” Applejack started after a moment. “I think this suits those two.”
Begrudgingly, Rarity nodded.
There was a flash and a pop, and suddenly Fluttershy was stood in front of them, wearing a wedding dress. “Rarity!” She shouted firmly. “I need you to kiss me!”
Author's Note
Yeah, I don't know. The beginning of this has existed for years, and originally it was going to be a little more serious (still comedic) and I decided to just go nuts with it. I dunno. It's dumb, but I think it's funny. Share your own thoughts below.
