Dates and Nuts

by Mark Young

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Pie Sisters, Comedy, Romance, Slice of Life
Length: 4164

A stallion blogs about frustrations in dating your favorite mares.

Welcome to my blog, Dates and Nuts, where I, “Ardatess” (silence s, thank you), bring you the inside scoop of various mares across Equestria in the art of dating. The pones you are about to read upon are very real; several you might’ve even heard of and dream and fantasize about how wonderful your life would be with them.

Well dream no more! While nopony knows my real identity yet, no thanks my special talents if I do say so myself (despite my list of enemies having grown to be rather substantial, hello haters!), I assure you this string of dating really did happen, and my experiences probably not what you expected.

So let’s get on to it!

Published 2019-04-26 20:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-26 20:50:01 UTC

Princess Twilight Sparkle

April 11
Ever wonder what it might be like to date a princess? Wonder no more!

To say the least, I’ve had my fair share of dating celebrities, but an actual princess ruffled my tail in excitement! Or, so I thought to begin with. Apparently there’s a diary book out there that goes over Twilight and friends’ adventures, and it could’ve been advantageous to give it a look. But you know me; ever the big game hunter, looking for the challenge!

At first, it took quite some time to intermingle with her highness, she has a—busy—schedule. Initially, I used other disguises to get interviews with her for intel gathering, and then brought on my coup de grâce, a Unicorn naturally, as Rush N’ Dawn, a sophisticated and stately stallion with an interest in history and politics. Although I don’t think it would’ve really mattered much who I went as; she was so busy, stressed, and preoccupied, she seemed to hardly notice.

But I found her weak spot. Observing as Shortlock Holmes, I noticed every room she busied herself in was overflowing with books. In fact, there was one room in her school I could’ve sworn had an entire wall of book shelving. A lot of them regarded ancient magic, and I brought up Starswirl the Bearded.

She stopped, her eyes filled with stars. “You studied Starswirl the Bearded?”

Ah ha, I got you in my sights, I always do.

But in fact I wasn’t that deep a reader of magic, instead like everything else, I studied enough of the subject matter to be comfortable passing as an expert. “Indeed my dear,” I replied arcing my head back and turning away to grab a book. “I found his exploits to be quite remarkable. Oh, but you know all about that my dear, what with having completed one of his greatest pieces ever made.”

Twilight blushed. “Oh, it was nothing, really. Just a bit of luck and overthinking.”

I seized my chance and doted her. “Oh, but it was. You earned your lovely pair of wings over it, and became a Princess, and got all of this,” I waved my hoof. I had to be careful, because I could tell, once you seized her attention, she could see straight through an act if it were emphasized too much. And I also know that celebrity ponies such as her could feel uncomfortable in a hurry regarding their successes.

I continued. “I understand that there is far more to you than just being a princess of friendship.” I put my hoof to my heart, “for in here, is where all the strength truly comes from. But, look at what I’m saying, such a buffoon.” I chuckled. “Friendship is one of your many talents, of course, of course.”

I knew from previous encounters she tried to keep to a steady and strict schedule, and she would soon be late for lunch. “I inquire dear Twilight, humor me with something most of us wouldn’t know of you. How about I treat you to a lunch of your choosing, and we can discuss the history of magical development rather than waste more of your precious time? It seems that you need a break.”

She hesitated, looking at the clock but smiled. “I would be delighted, Mister Rush.”

I noticed as we walked through the school that her friend Rainbow Dash spotted us and began trailing our brisk trot, the Pegasus mare swishing this way and that and feigning disinterest when I gave her a glance as she whistled or pretended to be talking to a student. With such a casual stroll, I was a bit surprised at her behavior, which told me there must’ve been something a little unique about Twilight’s behavior at the moment.

“Pardon my dear Twilight, perhaps there is a more efficient approach to reach our destination? I would hate to cut our lunch short for your busy schedule.”

“Oh, why certainly!”

And with a fantastic, glittering pop, we were teleported into the heart of Ponyville.

“Since you’re visiting from Manehattan, Rush N’ Dawn, where would you like to eat? And, well, you did offer to cover our meal.”

I stroked my chin as I looked around the town. Quite honestly, there weren’t very many choices. “My dear, why don’t you take a moment and choose our fare.”

“Well, my friend Pinkie Pie really likes Sugarcube Corner! They have all sorts of…”

I laughed a bit. Twilight seemed a little shocked, if not embarrassed. “Where would you like to dine? Perhaps someone as yourself would like to relax into something more nostalgic? Take this moment for yourself dear, I really don’t mind.”

So we went for a hay burger. Really, these dating adventures bring out the most interesting of insights into these ponies.

“A bit rustic,” I commented in character, “but I like it.”

We put in our orders and took a seat. Normally I would fancy a portabella mushroom burger and a side of veggies for my Rush N’ Dawn character, but I decided to simply order what Twilight was getting. Since we arrived just before the lunch rush, we got our trays of food quickly.

“Sorry,” she said lifting her hay burger with magic, “I don’t normally get a double stack, but I am really hungry after missing out on breakfast.”

I lifted mine with my hooves and took a ginger bite, careful not to get an excess ketchup on my mustache. “But Miss Sparkle…”

“Twilight is fine!”

“Twilight, you should know that breakfast is the most essential and important meal of the day! The studies have shown a tremendous boost to energy and clear thinking when eating within thirty minutes of waking up.”

Twilight was scarfing her face full of food, but after the first few bites began to slow down and more politely. I only kept up a look of concern. She made a hard swallow. “That may be so, but I also need to get in my minimum of 6 hours of sleep, and I can’t possibly do that if I have to cut in my sleep time to make room for breakfast! Even with a helpful dragon around to cook if I asked, still not enough time.”

We rabbit trailed from the subject of breakfast bars and snacks to organizing her day, paperclips, binders, and eventually back to books.

“Fascinating, Twilight. It seems that you treat your life as one, great big puzzle to be solved.” I animated my speech with my hooves, “like a puzzle cube twisting and rolling until everything fits into place perfectly.”

“Yes, well, speaking of which, I should really get back to the school. It was nice talking with you, and thank you for lunch!”

“My pleasure, but may I inquire as to when we could meet up again?”

“Oh, well, let me just see here,” with a purple flash, a scheduling binder appeared before her and she began flipping through the pages. “Yes, well, I can’t cancel that—oh there’s an opening—no, I reserved that for ten spare emergency minutes for the field trip, and if something is late at the end of this day. I could call off the spa with Rarity and Fluttershy since they just invited me, but I had to cancel this other meeting and save time by talking with them about it, and…”

I had to interrupt her stressful talking. “Just next lunch.”

Twilight turned her scheduling binder around. “I’m booked for the next twelve lunches! You luckily got me on an opening.”

“Fine then, we’ll walk and talk. Is there an event in which I could simply tag along?”

“Hmm,” Twilight pulled her binder back and flipped through a few pages. “Two days from now, I’m taking some students on a field trip to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. They’re touring the library of magic spells. Since there’s a tour guide and Starlight will be there, I should be able to break away. Uh, sorry it’s short notice.”

“Not at all. Let us meet there! In the uh, Starswirl the Bearded wing?”

April 12

And so, yours truly scored a second date with her highness. But the only thing I was able to gleam and enjoy there was a ten minute story about years before when she tried to prevent a great catastrophe off a warning from herself in a time travelling spell. Shortly thereafter, she was called in to talk to a pair of students which eventually grew into some kind of emergency.

I was going to intercept her either at the school or at her castle, but I felt that might’ve seemed too straightforward and strange. So I simply left a note asking for either her Dragon, Spike, to respond, or herself by letter if she could not meet me the next day in the Ponyville market.

I collected a basket of random vegetables and spent a long time by flower arrangements in hopes that Twilight would be able to meet me there. Instead, I got the pink and green Dragon.

“Are you Rush N’ Dawn?”

“That I am.”

“Oh, well Twilight was really busy, but your note said that either one of us could’ve responded to your message, so here I am! What can I do for you, Mister Rush?”

“Perhaps you could help me in picking flowers for Twilight’s desk at her school. I was there just the other day and realized that the, eh, scent, of book binding choked the air, and I don’t think it does too kindly on her nerves.”

Spike chuckled. “Well, she isn’t exactly known for stopping to smell the roses, if you know what I mean. But that’s really thoughtful of you! I’m sure she wouldn’t mind having any flowers!”

One of the flower ponies overheard our conversation. “Did I hear you were looking for flowers to give to a ‘Twilight’? As in, Princess Twilight Sparkle?”

I nodded. “The one and only.”

Spike crossed his arms. “Yeah, the one and only Twilight who has a Dragon for a gofer.”

The trio of flower ponies pulled up a vase. “Take this. It has lavender, passionflower, and this purple poppy! They complement her coat, mane, and they’re all made to relax!”

After my perfect purchase, Spike offered on flying it back to her office, but I insisted. I was going to get Twilight to date me regularly one way or another, and her lackey was not going to delay a pathway to that goal! Nice boy, though, really.

So, I made sure that I arrived a few minutes after her next lunch break to make sure there wasn’t anypony else waiting on her before me. Unfortunately, it seemed there was a colt pacing up and down the hallway in front of her office at the time of my arrival, and she seemed busy with somepony else, so I waited around the corner.

And I waited some more. And more. It was about another sixteen minutes before the colt got a chance to talk to her, and five minutes longer before her door was open again. I made my way in.

“Oh! Nice to see you! Were you waiting for me?”

“Not much, my dear. There are for you. They seemed to accentuate your colors, and help with the dusty book scent stuffiness in your office, and they intend to relax.”

She took a long inhale and leaned back in her chair. “Wow, they are relaxing! That was very nice, Rush N’ Dawn!”

“Now, I won’t stay long since I know you are a busy mare. But since our last meeting was cut so short, could we find a means to make up for it?”

“I’d love to, but right now I have a few tests to go over, and set my lesson plan for next month with Starlight and Spike.” She took out a sticky note and scribbled my name. “I’ll be sure to try and fit you in during my next free time planning session tomorrow evening.”

“I await your letter.” I gave her a bow and left. Now, it was around this time that I began striking up dates with some of the other mares to follow in my blog, because since I was in Ponyville, I might as well have taken advantage of the time. And good thing I did. Well, almost.

April 16

I received a letter by dragon fire that Twilight found our next opening, but that I was going to have to choose between being with her and Fluttershy for a sunset picnic in three days, or while watching a Wonderbolt show with three foals nicknamed the “CMC”, one of which I’m sure is Rarity’s younger sister, Sweetie Belle.

Neither of these were ideal. I was already dating Rarity as my disguise as Rush N’ Dawn, and interacting with Twilight with Sweetie Belle present could present some challenges. And I had booked a date night with Fluttershy which required me to be at her cottage, right after the sunset picnic.

I decided to gamble and try my luck at the Wonderbolt race. It would also allow me to multitask and begin scouting out some of the next line of mares I would like to date. But I had to be careful around Sweetie Belle. Who knows? Maybe she’ll turn out to just be a young filly unaware of her surroundings?

April 19
Well it would appear that Sweetie Belle was a lot keener to the romantic interests of her sister than I expected. I had to spend most of the evening trying to diffuse the notion with Sweetie Belle that I was interested in the princess and at the same time, convince Twilight Sparkle that I was interested in her.

“Wow! Aren’t you Rush N’ Dawn?” Sweetie Belle said immediately upon seeing me. So before the show even started, I knew this would be a challenge.

I kept my composure. “Yes, that I am.”

“My sister really seems to like you!”

“Indeed?”

Twilight giggled. “Let’s find our seats. Rainbow Dash got us a booth.”

“Exquisite!” I rushed into the direction of the stadium. “You should thank her in our stead.” We reached the booth and I politely opened the door for the ladies. There were a few other noteworthy ponies enjoying the shade from the bright sun, taking drinks and snacks from the tray. The little Pegasus said she was starving and shoveled large quantities of snacks into her mouth before belching up the toothpicks, much to the irritation of waitress who went off to get more.

The apple filly wasn’t much better, but I could see that Sweetie Belle took after her sister with grace. In their distraction I was able to lead Twilight to a corner. As most ponies would seem to prefer spotting shapes in the clouds, I decided we could spot cloud types and discuss the natural weather patterns.

It was smooth at first, but Ms. Sparkle got onto a tangent. She started talking unusually fast. I could see the information of ten thousand pages flashing through her eyes. It was hard to keep up and more difficult still for me to figure out what her—problem was.

“It’s so nice to meet other intellectuals such as yourself,” she said. “Not that any of my friends are, uh…”

“Irresponsive to overwhelming stimuli posed by erudition?”

Ah ha, I got the princess to blush. “Yeah, that!”

At that time, the pony who was following us on day one before, the Wonderbolt Rainbow Dash stepped in and poked a wingtip into my chest. “Did you just call me stupid?”

I trilled my lips and whinnied a bit as I arced my head. “I beg your pardon, miss?”

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight giggled, “I’m sure you can’t be offended by what he was trying to say. And I said—,”

Rainbow Dash started her screeching laugh as she placed her wings over our backs. “Gotchya! Oh wow, you eggheads should totally see your faces! Ok, but seriously,” she straightened up and made a two-wing gesture from her eyes to mine. “I’m watching you.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Good luck with the show!”

For most of the show, the three fillies were content with watching and talking about the stunts amongst themselves, especially the orange Pegasus. But during the lull of intermittent periods, as she babbled on about Rainbow Dash and maneuvers, Sweetie Belle would take interest in myself and Twilight. I diffused the interest by weaving a word about food or drink and ask her to retrieve some of the best.

“Oh, you have such excellent taste like your sister! As such a fine dining connoisseur, why don’t you fetch us the best olive hors d'oeuvres?” as one such example.

She would scamper off and I had my time with Twilight, though it wasn’t a very private or romantic setting, it was something I settled with for now. But discussion continually drifted towards philosophy, biology, astronomy, deep magical study, and other complex topics. It was difficult to pinpoint any form of talk about herself or myself without making an awkward turn.

At the end of the show, I felt as if I were still at square one. I inquired as to when we could do this again. Twilight giggled cutely and said she had such a busy schedule next week, and had to make more time for others.

April 27
It wasn’t until eight days later that she came to me again. Her mane was frazzled and she was talking up a storm. With care and concern, I asked to take her to someplace we could drink. We teleported to just such a place.

“I really could use a stress milkshake right now!”

“Perhaps something a little—stronger for your condition?”

“Oh yeah! I always get the triple-shot mocha milkshake to keep me going,” she made a hoarse laugh and tilted her head sideways. “Pinkie Pie told me I could order it here at Sugarcube Corner! And about twelve minutes after I finish it, I just gotta go see her to pick up some cupcakes to take back to class because the students just had to get into a food fight, to which I gotta talk to Pinkie about because I’m pretty sure it was part of her friendship lesson, but we’re such good friends I had to make time to come see her now while I multitask in seeing you, but pffft, I’m all good, everything is just swell, how are you?”

By the time she finished her run-on sentence, my left hoof was up and I was a bit startled. “Shouldn’t you find some time to slow down? Take a retreat, perhaps?”

“RETREAT! Ha, every time I try to do that, one of my friends or family members gets into some big fiasco that turns into a nightmare! I’ve practically learned how to handle stress without relaxation far more than other ponies because my responsibility list is impossibly long. Everypony counts on me!”

At that moment a list as long as the table popped out from her magic. She picked up a quill and was going down the written items. Twilight mumbled to herself as she scanned down the paper. “Have time with Rush, have time with Rush, have time with Rush, have time with Rush—oh there it is!” she crossed it off, then with a gigantic grin flashing her teeth she poked her hoof down at the bottom. “See! Look here! I saved a calm and peaceful twenty minutes of relaxation!”

I put on my glasses—just for show of course—and bent down to inspect it. “My dear, it says ‘Teach Ocellus new meditation tricks.’”

When I looked up, Twilight still seemed proud but then she began to hyperventilate with such dilated pupils. The baker came by and set the milkshake in front of her, despite us not having ordered. The lady smiled with a hoof to her cheek. “Oh dear, it looks like you’re on one of your day-in, day-out Twilight Zone!”

Twilight was rapidly slurping up her drink, not long till the straw created an annoying flay of suction on the empty bottom. “Sorry, so sorry! I just have to finish this in such a—a—oh…” she put a hoof to her head and her wings arced up. “Brain freeze!”

She then gripped my shoulders and punched her muzzle to mine. “You have to help me!”

“I would be delighted, Princess. But can’t you get help from your dragon or many other friends?”

“They’re all busy as well! And I would hate to impose on them, but you have been insisting.”

So we pulled out her schedule and looked about. Meanwhile, the baker took my drink order—a modest coffee—as Twilight began to open up. The first thing we had to do was clear up that overtaxed schedule of hers and try to find more flexible approaches. But every instance was like battling a hoarder with their junk.

“I can’t cancel that! Pet massage day with Rarity is very important to her! Plus it allows me to spend one-on-one quality time with her! No, no, no, ‘Twilight Time’ is where I take out an hour to spend with the CMCs and work on their special interests, and next week they’re bringing in somepony new looking forward to meeting me! That is not negotiable. And that is part of a trip I’m taking to the Crystal Empire next week; on the way I’m going to help Sunburst with some research while I babysit Flurry Heart before spending an hour catching up with my brother.”

I raised an eyebrow. “My dear Twilight, you have taken out time for everypony in your life except one, very special, and important pony!”

Twilight’s eyes grew as she gasped and frantically searched her calendar. “What? Who? Who? Who could I possibly have missed? Well, maybe saying no to DJ Pon-3 on listening to her upcoming...”

With a smile, I put a hoof to her mouth and then tapped her chest twice. She giggled with a blush and then looked away in a bit of shame. I encouraged her to go to her friends and consider postponing weekly and bi-weekly meetings for this week and allocate that extra time for her friends to maybe help her win some free time.

May 02
Twilight Sparkle did exactly what I suggested and won free time for herself. Today I passed by her at the spa and she excitedly thanked me for the consideration, but that she had to leave to make her appointment. “I have to go see three ponies—me, myself, and I! So I’ll talk to you later.”

May 13
Despite some of my best efforts, she hasn’t really talked to me for more than four minutes. Unbeknownst to me, Rarity pulled Rainbow Dash aside at some point and was talking about me as Rush N’ Dawn. Normally we could expect Miss Dash to be ignorant of Rarity’s talk of stallions, but my name struck an alarm, and she paid attention. She then informed her friend that I was spending as much of Twilight’s free time as possible. So I had tried to stay low.

May 16
Twilight and I managed to schedule a lunch together, to which I was running late for as I was wrapping up with an event with Applejack as a different personality. But I arrived and she seemed a little curt with me, but after my apologies, she spent the entire time talking about how excited and appreciative Rarity has been to be in a relationship with me. So concluded my time with Princess Twilight.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Twilight is an endearing pony and a great friend. But if you plan on attaining a date with her, good luck working around that busy schedule. Just to catch her attention requires a great effort towards the art of intellectual discussion. You can’t be a slouch at studies or have too much interest in common things of other ponies. Don’t go on too strong, she won’t fall for that due to her respectability.

I also can’t foresee her with anypony lacking in some extreme patience and dedication. She’s practically married to responsibility and time management. I don’t really think she is going to be ready for a relationship until she retires from one of her many titles. And for a long-term relationship, forget it. It will take months for the two of you to get into the know, and the amount of stress she picks up will most certainly overflow into your life and require a measure of care.

You will rush from place to place, hear the word ‘time’ and ‘schedule’ aplenty, and she will be on call for her many duties. To spend long quality time with Miss Sparkle means you must be ready to drop everything you do at a moment’s notice and be utterly flexible when she is most likely not going to be the same with you.