Captain Clopper: A Royal Guard

by mojowuq9

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Sex, Royal Guard, Profanity, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Narcotics, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 1175

After resetting the timeline, I decided, FUCK IT, I'm gonna make the best OC ever a Royal Guard! No, he won't be fucking princesses, but they'll be trying to fuck him!

The Royal Sisters have hired Captain Clopper as a Royal Guard to relieve them of their heats. Unfortunately, Luna hates him and he never 'fucks without bucks'.

I'm not gonna disable ratings. Don't be an asshole. Please?

Rated M for Motherfucker.

Contains "Romance".

Published 2019-04-27 23:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-27 23:20:01 UTC

Hired to Sire

Captain Clopper, the best OC ever, was leaning back on his chair reading a letter he just got. It was the results of his application to the Royal Guard. He was skimming over the pointless shit.

(Insert job application bullshit up here)

You, Captain Raven McBeaty Von Blackburner Clopper, have been approved. Welcome to the Royal Guard! Your training starts today!

Kindest Regards,
Princess Celestia.

He smiled. "Fuckin' right." He stretched, and got up. He better get going. But first, his checklist.
-Was his hair good? No, but check.
-Did he have minimal bodily fluids covering him? Yes(ish), check.
-Did he look decent? For the house he lives in, he looks great! Check.
-Is he awake? His morning wood's gone, so yeah. Check.
He nods and leaves, walking through the relatively clean house. There's one of his colleges from his old job laying on the bed, against the wall. "Hey Petunia." She moans in response. Looking down, he sees that she's leaking jizz from her asshole. It's a lot. "Christ, how many dicks did you take last shift?" She barely thumped her hoof about 10 times. "Fucking hell, you need a break. My application for the Royal Guard was a success! I got a day job!" She looked up, surprised, and attempted to move before wincing. She stopped.

"Good job!" She excitedly told Clopper, her throat obviously sore. A smile was on her face, but she was obviously in pain.

"You can take a break from your job for a coupla' days, I can cover the rent." Clopper was worried for her. She was barely 18!

"I'll call in." She picked up the phone and dialed the whorehouse. After having a short conversation and explaining that her asshole needed to heal, they both said g'night to each other and hung up.

"Also, tonight's pizza night at the whorehouse." She whooped twice, and groaned. "I'll get the crackheads to give you painkillers."

"Please. My asshole feels as big as Rainbow Dash's ego." Clopper left, walking out the door. Nobles were walking to and fro, some on carriages. Captain Clopper looked into the dark alley beside his home and say a bunch of disheveled, dirty ponies sitting beside a heater Clopper bought for them. They had some needles and pills, and looked tired. Clopper waved to them. They smiled with yellow, partially missing teeth and waved.

"Yo! Do you guys have painkillers? Petunia's ass is hurting like the national treasury!" One of them nodded and tossed a bottle at him. Catching it in his magic, it was a bottle of Ibuprofoal labeled 'Not laced'. "Thanks." Clopper said, nodding.

"Want a beer?" A can was tossed at him. Clopper caught it as well.

"Thanks again. also, it's pizza night at the 'house. See ya there!" They cheered and waved bye. Clopper tossed the bottle through the window and cracked the can.

"And so begins my new job."

Celestia was drinking tea with Luna. They were on the topic of the new applicant. "So, Sister," Luna began. "Why did you hire such a peon?"

Celestia sighed. "He works a night job at the local...ugh...whorehouse."

"My word, Sister, why would you hire a man-whore?" Luna gasped.

"He knows how to please a mare. I hired him so we could relive our estruses."

"But with such a pathetic slob?"

Celestia chuckled. "He is the son of Raven Von Blackburner, your crush before your banishment. He found a new wife."

Luna's eyes went wide. "His son? What's his name?"

Celestia chuckled. "Captain Raven McBeaty Von Blackburner Clopper. Quite juvenile."

"We...I, look forward to meeting him." Luna said with hope.

"I'll be interviewing him. You can join me." they got up, and walked out.

Captain Clopper walked into the room, and took a swig of his beer. "Yo." He said with confidence.

"You're Captain Raven McBeaty Von Blackburner Clopper?" He nodded.

"I'd prefer 'Captain McBeaty Von Clopper'. I don't want to be associated with that piece of shit."

"Pardon me?" Luna said with pure malice.

"Fucking excuse me, Princess," He said with extreme sarcasm. "But I don't want to be named after some cunt who beat me nearly to death daily." Luna snorted.

"I highly doubt he'd ever do that." There was clear malice in her voice. Clopper rolled his eyes.

"I know you'd never betray your Senpai, but if you insist on being denser than your Guards, look at the ponice records for the rat bastard." Luna stood, flaring her wings.

"YOU WILL SILENCE YOURSELF, INSOLENT PEON!!!" Clopper didn't move.

"Or else what?" Luna stopped, and sat down, Still angry as hell. "Anyways, let's get on with this interview." Celestia nodded, and Clopper sat down, setting his beer on the desk.

"Alright. Why do you think you deserve this job?"

"Because the Royal Guard is so shit at their sole job that three crackheads can sneak into the royal hospital to get painkillers and maroin." Celestia had the 'seriously' look on her face.

"I doubt that." Clopper chuckled.

"I live with those three crackheads. Shady Slim, Banks, and Methan. Good people." Celestia sighed and shook her head.

"Any skills?"

"Yes. I can dent steel with a dickslap, and can fuck for 3 days straight without breaks." Celestia swallowed desperately.

"I-I think you're good for the job." Clopper pumped his hoof into the air. "Please be here tomorrow for your training."

"See ya." He left.

Clopper walked inside the whorehouse using the backdoor. Inside was the 'living room' of the place. There was a few couches, all filled except for his spot. "Hey guys!" There all greeted him excitedly as he sat down at leaned back. One of the newer employees, a mare named 'Umbra', lied down, her head in his lap. He stroked her mane as the owner of the whorehouse hoofed pizza to everybody. As per usual, the crackheads walked in and took their usual spots.

"Is everybody here?" After a 'yeah', she nodded. "Where's Umbra?"

"She's throating me." Clopper said, indicating to the mare you was sucking his dick while holding her mane out of the way, moaning as well. Clopper was still stroking her mane. Owner chuckled and sat down, turning on the TV. "You can stop whenever you want." Clopper told Umbra, who nodded best she could but continued. About 10 minutes into the hoofball game, Clopper finally came, cum jetting thickly down Umbra's throat as her eyes rolled back, Clopper continuing to pet her through the experience. After his orgasm ceased, she pulled herself off and swallowed, panting. She began to clean his cock off, a smile on her face. "Good girl." He said, causing her to shudder. Clopper pulled her up, Umbra laying on him blissfully as everybody else was cheering and rooting for their favorite teams. His life was good.

Author's Note

How was it? Improved? Less stupid? Tell me in the comments, and remember to rate the fic!

Have a nice day (Or night) and remember,

Play Dwarf Fortress.