Square Hammer

by totallynotabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Alternate Universe, Equestria Girls, Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 1382

Twilight is the nerdiest person she knows. She weaponizes it.

Twilight is the nerdiest person she knows.

She weaponizes it.

Published 2019-04-29 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-29 00:10:01 UTC

Preemptive Attack of the Nerd

"You know, most mad scientists are actually mad engineers."

The other girls looked up from their lunches. They were still getting used to this version of Twilight Sparkle. Granted, the magical pony from another dimension was a lot to get used to, but somehow they were having a harder time relating to the human one.

Twilight pushed her glasses further up her nose. "Most of them say they're doing science and running experiments, but they had to build all their complicated equipment first. Off-the-shelf solutions don't really work when it comes to trying to take over the world."

"Well, that magic capture device you built sure was something," Applejack remarked.

"Hey, I was meaning to talk to you about that," said Rainbow Dash. "I've been thinking we need a little more oomph for our band. Can you build us louder amplifiers? The ones we have only go to ten."

"The volume knob going to ten is an arbitrary scale that doesn't correspond to any specific output," Twilight replied.

"But can you build us louder ones?"

"We can buy louder ones," Rarity pointed out.

"Do we have to?" said Fluttershy.

"I think Twilight's so far beyond electronic audio technology that she might also suggest you just go to the music store because she's probably working on something way more complicated," said Pinkie.

Twilight nodded. "An individual personal protection system leveraging ambient magic."

"Uh..." said Applejack. "I thought there wasn't any ambient magic in this here universe."

"It works like a transformer. Magic on one side affects magic on the other, just in a different phase. Of course, the problem becomes detecting and utilizing it, but I'm almost finished." Twilight spoke without paying attention, picking up an orange from her tray and a fork.

Rarity spoke up, having been considering Twilight's original statement. "When you say personal protection, do you mean armor?"

"Right."

"So this magic transducer thing powers it. Is it like the arc reactor on the front of Iron Man's suit?" said Pinkie.

"It's not a transducer," Twilight said.

"But you did copy a comic book?" said Rainbow.

"So?"

Rainbow cracked up laughing. "That's the nerdiest thing I've ever heard."

"Well, what's wrong with being a nerd?" Twilight demanded.

"There's nothing wrong with the label," said Rarity diplomatically. "Though, I think we can agree that you and...your kind tend to be introverted to a fault. If it weren't for saving the world, the group of us might not have met you at all."

"I'm just busy," Twilight protested.

"I'm sure science does take a lot out of you," said Applejack, "but isn't the point of innovation to improve your quality of life through not having to do so much work?"

"It's actually an exponential growth of knowledge. The more we know, the more there is to know."

"You'd be happier if you were like me, not knowing anything," chuckled Rainbow.

"Your grades aside, no I wouldn't," said Twilight. "There's the old saying, 'would you rather be happy or correct?' I made my choice."

"Ouch," said Pinkie, "you're so square I think I poked myself on one of your corners."

Twilight looked at her. "Square? I'd feel better about that if you were making a Flatland reference."

"I wasn't."

"Darling, we're just trying to help you socialize," said Rarity. "I apologize if we got a little off track. As your friends, we want you to live the best life you can."

"And I'm trying to give everyone better living through science," said Twilight.

"Science ain't always the answer," Applejack noted.

"It doesn't have to be an answer. Science isn't about why, it's about why not."

"You play Portal too?" said Rainbow.

"What?"

"You just quoted Portal."

"So?"

"With comic books and video games, you're pretty cool for being pretty square."

"It's not mutually exclusive," said Pinkie.

"I don't care, anyway," said Twilight.

"Well, why not?" said Rarity. "Rainbow just paid you a complement, er, however backhanded. There's nothing wrong with being liked. At any rate, we're your friends; we'll be here for you regardless."

"Well, thanks," said Twilight. She had finished peeling her orange and set the wedges out in front of her on her lunch tray.

There was a moment of silence around the table. Applejack recognized it, and said, "Friendship is a two way street, you know. Not to demand your participation or anything, but that's what Princess Twilight would tell you."

"Without her, none of this would have been possible," said Fluttershy. She traded smiles with the others.

"Without her, none of this would have been necessary," said Twilight.

"Well, yes, but you should have friendship in your life," said Rarity.

"Not what I meant. It was pony magic that threw this world out of whack and I've been trying to get things back in order since then."

"Okay, you do have a point there," said Applejack. "But won't it be easier with friends?"

"I'm doing fine," said Twilight. "I was doing fine before I met all of you."

"But we're the experts on Equestrian magic, we should be able to help," said Rainbow.

Twilight looked at her. "A magic pony told you everything you know. I discovered it independently, by myself, and I bothered to record and analyze the data."

"But it's powered by friendship," said Pinkie. "That's kind of hard to duplicate with spreadsheets."

"I think I'll be fine. You can do anything with spreadsheets. I killed God with Microsoft Excel."

"You did what!?" Applejack burst out.

"Yeah, it was my freshman capstone project."

Twilight looked up and glanced around the table, realizing the rest were staring at her. She ate a piece of her orange. "What? You think this world was peaceful and quiet all by itself? I've been the one tracking down supernatural mischief for years. I have to admit, the ponies from another dimension were a surprise, but at this point I almost welcome the challenge because I was running out of targets."

"God? The God?" said Rainbow Dash.

"Why is that so hard to believe? In the other universe, there's a being powerful enough to literally move the sun around the sky at a whim. The Christian God hasn't done anything like that, at least not in a few billion years."

"You just proved the existence of God by killing God?" Applejack said.

"How much power does it take to kill a god?" Fluttershy asked, though her tone suggested she didn't really want to know the answer. "We only just discovered Equestrian magic."

Pinkie jumped in. "It has to be, like, all of it. And absolute power corrupts absolutely."

"Solar power corrupts heliocentrically. What's your point?" Twilight shrugged. "At any rate, it wasn't magic, it was knowledge."

"Oh, I get it, knowledge is power!"

"But you can't just-" Rarity shook her head, buying time to choose her words. She leaned forward. "You annulled the beliefs of several hundred million people. That's bad. I'd choose a more impactful word, but I honestly can't think of one."

"Plus, isn't there supposed to be, like, balance in the universe?" said Pinkie. "What going to happen now that God is dead?"

"On summer break, I'm going after Satan."

"Is, uh, that going to be any more difficult?" Applejack asked.

"Well, I made a deal with him to only use Open Office emulated on an Ipad."

"A deal?" said Rarity. "Are you getting something in return?"

"A signed, first-edition set of The Lord of the Rings."

"You're such a-" Rainbow abruptly stopped, thought better of her statement, and closed her mouth.

"Do-do you need any help?" asked Fluttershy.

"No."

"Could we...respectfully request to, I don't know, come along for moral support?" said Rarity. "We're your friends and we want to see you be successful."

"Of course, friendship is also about the low points, too," said Applejack. "Not that you're gonna, uh, fail to defeat Satan, but we're here for you."

"That's what friends are for," Rarity added.

Twilight looked around the table at them. "Really? For anything?"

"Anything," said Pinkie.

Twilight blushed. "Well...in that case, there is one thing."

"Anything," Rainbow repeated.

"I've never really had a group of friends before. I've always wanted to try Dungeons and Dragons."

Author's Note

For those of you who didn't get the reference