.
“So… it’s not heights I’m afraid of,” the stallion realized. “It’s failure.”
Luna nodded. “So it would seem.”
“Sweet Celestia, that explains so much! Princess,” he said, turning to the Lady of Night, “thank you so much. For everything.”
Luna smiled. “You are always welcome. Though in truth, this was your struggle, and your victory.” She glanced around. “And in any case, I think someone is trying to wake you.”
He smiled, as well. “Probably the foals. I promised to take them to their grandparents’ this morning.” Still smiling, he bowed. “Thank you again, Your Highness.”
She nodded. “Always.”
Then the dream drifted apart completely, and Luna was once again in the space between dreams, watching the spheres around her fade one by one as the dreamers woke.
She breathed a sigh of relief. Another night’s work completed. Some dreamers had been comforted, and some advised, with many of them still struggling with their various fears and concerns. And a few of them, well…
She chuckled to herself. Some dreams were best left private.
And, as always, she had concerns to investigate during daytime hours. Sometimes childhood nightmares came from having to move, or from difficulty at school. But occasionally, they betrayed troubles at home. And while child abuse or neglect was relatively rare among her charges – be they pony, griffon, or otherwise – it had been known to happen before.
In the cases of truly faraway lands, she could do little but comfort and advise within whatever dreams might come. On rare occasions she could even report, either to other family members or to the local law. But in the case of ponies, she had the worldly authority to act, should such a thing be discovered.
So, she had a few families to look in on. Just in case.
But however rewarding her nights might have been, they were always long. Roughly half the day, every day, was filled with sleeping beings on different schedules. And time moved far more slowly in the realm of dreams than in the waking world. Sometimes, she quietly envied her sister the short days in which she had to work, smile and wave… even with court politics and paperwork, she got to sleep almost a quarter of every day.
But then, as the other spheres of light faded away one by one, a particular dream was revealed among the few that remained, bright and inviting. Grinning, Luna dove into that light, all other yearnings forgotten.
The unicorn whose dream it was met her dive with an embrace and a delighted yelp as the two of them rolled together from the impact, laughing. Their careening progress halted at last as it dissolved into a passionate kiss, Luna on top, her wings splayed out over them both.
When their kiss ended, they simply looked at each other, mirroring one another’s smile.
“Hi, honey,” said Sunrise. “How was work?”
.
Luna gave a long, low moan.
“That feel good?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“How about this?”
“Oohhhhhhhhh…”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Sunrise chuckled.
“Mmmm…”
“Hold that thought, I need more oil.”
“There is no thought,” Luna mumbled. “Mine thoughts did escape when my bones melted, some time agone.”
“Your bones melted, huh? How does that work?”
“Bloop, bloop, bloop,” Luna said contentedly.
“Oh. Well, we’ll have to do this in the waking world sometime then,” Sunrise winked. “No end of possibilities then.”
Luna shifted her head just enough to give her a teasing glance. “But Sunny, if we do, however will I get this mess out of my coat?”
“I’ll have a bath ready for when we’re done,” her marefriend answered, straddling her again. “Twilight’s castle has huge bathtubs. Meanwhile, you’re way too verbal. Here, let’s try this.”
“Vvvvvvvzzzzzzzzz…”
“Yeah,” Sunrise grinned as she continued her ministrations. “That’s more like it.”
The dream was as perfect a replica of Aloe and Lotus’ spa as Sunrise had been able to create. She had visited the place several times over the last week, studying it intensely. Eventually, she had confessed to the two spa owners the reason for her interest, and to her surprise they had been enthusiastic to give her a tour of the place. A masseuse named Quake had even given her a few massage pointers.
Sunrise suspected Pinkie Pie had blabbed about her and Luna going together sometime since the party. Which, since it wasn’t a secret, was fine... though having total strangers so obviously ecstatic for them both had been really, really weird.
“Thou art a goddess,” Luna murmured. “Thy soul is a star. Nay, e’en the beauty of stars pales before thine own. When whatever gods there be refer to thy beauty, they must write in tomes of gold and fire, and use the very stars as their asterisks.”
Sunrise kissed the back of her neck. “Is this the face that launched a thousand ships, and burnt the topless towers of Ilium?” she whispered, smiling. “Oh, thou art fairer than the evening air clad in the beauty of a thousand stars, and none but thou shalt be my paramour.”
Luna sighed happily as Sunrise continued to work, feeling an unknowable number of years’ worth of stress slowly dissolving away.
.
While Sunrise continued her massage, Luna asked her about her own life’s events. Sunrise answered happily, filling her marefriend in on her magical studies (to Luna’s delight) and then regarding her talk with Cheerilee earlier that day.
“…so, I’m pretty sure I got the job,” Sunrise finished. “Cheerilee is pretty awesome, and I think we’ll get along great. If all goes well, she’ll let me direct the school play, which—hey, you okay?”
Wordlessly, Luna nodded, her shoulders suddenly shaking.
“Honey?” Sunrise asked.
Luna only shook her head.
Sunrise thought frantically. Quake had warned her that sometimes stress could be released in tears … but this seemed like something else.
“Did I do something wrong?” she asked.
Sobbing, Luna shook her head emphatically. She put a hoof over Sunrise’s, keeping it on her shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Luna whispered, “I’m so sorry…”
Without another word, Sunrise wrapped her arms around Luna and held her, spooning her in close.
“I don’t understand,” Luna said miserably. “I should be so happy… I am happy… and yet…”
“Sweetheart, it’s okay.”
“It’s not!” Luna said between sobs. “After all… this time… I thought I was in control! I wasn’t going to… do this… any more… and now… I can’t… control…!”
“Shhhhh,” Sunrise said, burying her face in Luna’s mane. “You don’t need to with me. I know you want to, and that’s fine. But you don’t have to.”
Luna grabbed Sunrise’s hooves, then her arms, holding her as close as she could.
“I love you,” Sunrise said. “I love you, and I want to be here with you. Right here, for as long as you’ll have me.”
Shoulders shaking, Luna squeezed tighter. Then, her wings flexed, spinning her around to embrace Sunrise with the desperation of a mare who was drowning.
Sunrise held Luna while the princess cried into her shoulder. “I love you,” Sunrise said, again and again. “I love you, and it’s okay. I love you.”
It took time. But eventually, the storm that had seized hold of Luna’s heart let her go again, leaving both mares exhausted in one another’s arms.
Sniffling a little, Luna pulled back enough to look at Sunrise’s face. “Thank you,” she said.
Sunrise smiled. “Anytime and always, love.”
“I know. I do feel that I owe you an apology, just the same.” When Sunrise opened her mouth to argue, Luna added, “Please. An explanation at least.”
“Sweetheart, you don’t owe me anything—”
“Of course you would say that. But, it would make me feel better, so please humour me anyway. This… is something you have a right to know about me.”
Reluctantly, Sunrise nodded. “Okay.”
“Thank you.” Luna sighed. Closing her eyes, she continued, “First, I wish you to know that such episodes are not common for me. They are quite rare, point of fact. Normally, I can maintain control regardless of circumstance. I have had ample time to master my displays of emotion, if not my emotions themselves.
“Yet, while joy is ever a fleeting and fickle companion, sorrow is ever present. Not always in force, but merely in the background. Always waiting to leap, like a tiger. There is no cause to my sorrow, no pattern.
“It is happiness that demands cause. Sorrow simply… is.”
Opening her eyes, Luna looked away. “And you must understand: when I was a filly, the world was not as it is now. A moment’s weakness or inattentiveness could mean death. Tia would always be there for me when I would have such fits of despair, of course. But even as a foal I knew that if I could not master myself, I would be the death of us both.
“And so, I did. I learned control. To be fine even when the world was ending, to laugh when my throat hurt from not screaming.”
“But the feelings are there, just the same,” said Sunrise.
Closing her eyes again, Luna nodded. “I know I must seem quite mad to you,” she said.
Gently, Sunrise wiped some of Luna’s tears away.
“Not even a little,” she said. “I don’t know a lot about it, but what you’re describing… I don’t know about here, but where I come from, it’s not as uncommon as you’d think.”
“Sometimes, I think this is where my becoming Nightmare Moon came from,” Luna whispered. “At least some of it. That terrible, dark despair. Sometimes, I fear I might fall into that darkness again, never to emerge.”
“You won’t,” Sunrise said. “You’ve been down that road once, and you shook it off. You won’t go down it again.”
Despite herself, Luna smiled. “Being smote full-force with the Elements of Harmony is hardly ‘shaking it off,’ my love.”
Sunrise smiled as well. “Yeah, well, like I said, I don’t know much about it. And about magic rainbow death beams, I know even less.”
While Luna giggled, Sunrise went on, “But what little I do know is that you’re not crazy, and that what you’re talking about is a real thing. Expecting somepony to get over this is like expecting somepony to just get over a heart condition. And you’ve been living with this for… Christ.” She shook her head. “You are fucking amazing, you know that?”
Luna shot her an amused look, and Sunrise flopped over onto her back.
“Feathering,” she grumbled. “I meant feathering. You are feathering amazing.”
Luna chuckled, then yawned. She snuggled in close, and Sunrise rolled over again, so they were facing one another.
“You know, this might just mean that you were relaxed,” Sunrise said. “Like, really, really relaxed, for the first time in who knows how long. In which case, this was probably a good thing.”
“Mayhap.” Luna yawned again. “Though I would understand if you wanted to forgo such ministrations in the future.”
“Not even a little. Long as you still want them.”
Luna hugged her again. “I do. And thank you, love.”
Sunrise squeezed her back. “Any time.”
Stifling yet another yawn, Luna shook herself. “Mmm. I should probably go soon. I do not wish to, but already I have stayed far longer than I should.”
Sunrise considered this.
“Well, if you go to sleep in my dream, and I slip into deeper sleep while you’re here, does anything bad happen to us?”
Sleepily, Luna shook her head. “Hm-mm.”
“Well, then,” Sunrise said, “You wanna stay?”
“Only if you want me here.”
Sunrise kissed her.
“Always,” she smiled.
.
Spike jogged happily down the hall towards Sunrise’s room, book under one arm. It was the castle’s copy of Levitational Meditations, which Sunrise had been combing the library for throughout the last few days. Somehow, it had been misfiled under “Introspective Studies” instead of under “Basic Magical Studies.” An error which, so far as he was concerned, Twilight could go through her entire life never knowing about.
He was pretty sure Sunrise could keep a secret, though. Sunrise was a bud.
Spike knocked gently on her chamber door, then more firmly. “Sunrise?”
No answer.
The hatchling considered the silent door with a mild frown. The unicorn was hardly a morning pony, but she never slept in this late. He hated to intrude… but then again, this was Ponyville. It wasn’t likely that something was wrong, but in his experience it was best to make sure.
Reluctantly, Spike pushed open the door. “Sunrise…?”
There, nestled halfway under the covers, were two sleeping figures. Their legs and manes were entwined, a single set of midnight wings partly enfolding them both.
For a second, Spike stared, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.
But only for a second.
Turning quickly, he faced the doorway, face burning. As quietly as possible, he placed the book on a small table nearby, and exited, gently closing the door.
Within the room itself, Sunrise half-opened her eyes. She looked at the door, the book. Then, at the smiling, sleeping face of the alicorn she adored, curled against her.
Within her dreams, it always seemed so simple, so easy.
Now, with the morning light streaming in gently from between drawn curtains, Sunrise breathed in the scent of the mare who made her heart ache. Watched her move gently as she dreamed. Then, Sunrise looked again at the book, and the knowledge that it promised. The door, and the world beyond it that beckoned.
A world that, for all its fantastic creatures and villains, was still comparatively pure. Even innocent. Because ultimately, that’s who these people were. The ponies had such faith in friendship’s power to change the world, they would welcome the viper into their bosom, the scorpion into their home, just because it was the kind thing to do. Even knowing full well that its nature was to poison, to destroy, no matter how much it wanted to change.
No! she told herself, I’m not like that anymore!
But the images continued to assail her mind, memories that she could never atone for.
The quiet, sharp report of the revolver in her hand. The smell of gunpowder.
Twilight Sparkle - the human Twilight Sparkle - blood seeping through her shirt, unmoving across the lap of the girl with Sunrise’s face.
Sunset Shimmer staring up from where Twilight had shoved her. Her eyes showing shock, recognition, and pain, even as Twilight’s blood ran along her lap, dripping down, staining the tiles.
Later, alone. Sitting on the pier, drenched by the howling storm. Looking down the barrel of that same .38. Realizing and accepting at last that poison was just part of her nature. That it always had been. That the world would be cleaner without her.
Stomach cramping, Sunrise squeezed her eyes shut against them all. She tried to banish the images, to shut the fear and self-loathing away in a box in her mind. But while locking away anger and hate was a skill she’d long mastered, this was a different conflict entirely. The memories kept escaping her control to hammer at her, the feeling of dread regaining its hold on her heart. And through it all, even as she curled tighter against Luna’s embrace, a single thought kept clawing remorselessly at her brain, again and again:
What the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING...?
Author's Note
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.
.
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Luna’s battle with depression is an old one.
This timeline continues with Reunions and Laments.
