Canterlot Animal Control

by Lingo

Rating: everyone
Tags: Fluttershy, Ahuizotl, Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 21994

Canterlot's Animal Control officer has a tough job, but the oddly trained jungle cats and their even stranger master might be above her pay grade.

Keen Eye has a tough job as Canterlot's Animal Control officer, but it's one she loves. Surrounded by fuzzy, feathery, and scaly critters, and sometimes getting help from a certain Ponyville animal expert she definitely doesn't have a crush on, things could be worse. Then they got worse.

It started when jungle cats caused trouble throughout the city—well trained ones, at that. Then she met their bizarre master, and learned that he would be the least of her worries.

Special thanks to Sigma for pre-reading/editing

A little pet project I've been working on for a while.
Character tags will be added as they become prominent.

Published 2020-01-27 16:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2022-12-07 15:34:53 UTC

Chapter 1: Canterlot (Exotic) Animal Control

When dealing with wild animals, it is never a good idea to turn your back on them. Of course, I think this as I intentionally turn my back on a wild tiger. This isn't the first time I've done so in my career, and if the nobles keep on insisting on getting exotic pets, it won't be the last time.

Getting off-topic. Tigers. They're big cats, hunters. Following base survival instincts, they are bound to seek refuge in a location in which they can most easily hide. In the crowded city of Canterlot, that area tends to be some stuck up unicorn’s private garden. That's where I find myself playing this predator-prey game today, a large walled garden in the upper district of Equestria’s Capital.

I hear a little rustle behind me, the hint of labored breath. All according to plan. I take another few steps, my hooves making damped beats on the grass. I could walk quietly, but I’m not trying to hide my position. I want my opponent to know where I am. I also make sure my back stays facing the stalking tiger. Even my ears are turned away, though straining to hear regardless. I need to maintain the illusion of obliviousness, that is my role in this game.

At roughly the center of the garden, I calmly take a seat on the soft grass. While waiting for my opponent to make their next move, I idly wonder if I was first pony to take a leisurely seat here. It was common amongst the upper class to have beautiful and well kept gardens, and then to never set hoof in them.

It's eerily quiet, nothing but the soft movements of the grass and the gentle sway of flowers. The kind of uneasy calm that preludes a storm. And if my opponent is playing their part correctly…

I slowly turn my head to look behind me, right into the eyes of a full-grown tiger. It's face is mere steps away, it's body frozen mid-stalk by my gaze.

This part is crucial.

I rotate the rest of my body, coming to face the predator fully, never breaking eye contact.

Fun Fact: Cats don’t need to blink. They only do so as a form of communication or expression, along with squinting. So when I choose to blink, I do it slowly and purposefully. Calm. Collected. Not afraid. My breathing is deliberately smooth. I’m essentially trying to communicate that I am on equal ground, not above or below them.

And luckily for me, my message comes across clearly. It’s haunches lower, honed muscles relax, eyes squint at me slightly. I even spot the flick of a striped tail. I breathe a sigh of relief, combing the fur on the back of my neck with my leg.

When dealing with wild animals, it pays to be able to speak their language, relatively. Of course, it doesn’t always work. But I’m prepared either way.

Subject pacified. Next step, assess condition.

I shift closer to my new ‘friend’, giving him a critical once over. And it is definitely a ‘him’, now that I’m close enough to notice. He’s hurt, but I already knew that from the gardener. One leg isn’t bearing the same weight as the others, there’s a shallow gash on his side that possibly extends down to his stomach. Nothing in this garden is sharp enough to cause those, or in Canterlot for that matter. So he fled here from somewhere else.

Not my problem.

After some coaxing and almost nudges, he’s still a wild animal, I get him to the exit where I have my wagon waiting. He is wary at first, but limps inside once he smells the fresh fish I had stashed.

Yes, it pays to be prepared.

My wagon isn’t anything special, a cage-box with wheels really. The Canterlot Animal Control logo painted on either side. Or as I thought of it, Canterlot ‘Exotic’ Animal Control. Aside from a few birds and small critters in the palace gardens, there are no animals in Canterlot. But since the city borders the forest, and some nobles like to have expensive exotic pets, I’ll always have a job.

Once I’m hitched up, I pull the wagon away from the sizable property and head off down the street. As always, I get a few odd looks from the ritzy pedestrians. I feel their gazes burn on my horn and how I hadn’t used it since I arrived, not even to pull the wagon. I ignore them, leaving upper Canterlot behind me.

A short trip through Lower Canterlot and I reach my facility bordering the outer wall. The Canterlot Animal Control Headquarters. It’s actually a repurposed dog kennel, shut down after a bill passed making walking your dog illegal in most of the city. One too many nobles must have stepped in something that ruined their day, if I had to guess. The fines were set so high on it that many feared even letting their furry little friends outside at all. Fewer ponies adopted, fewer dogs got out to breed and make puppies, less money and support for the kennel.

So it went out of business, and the building was bought for low by an aspiring young mare who wanted to work with animals. Not quite a teen, barely an adult. She paid for it with money made from walking dogs, before the bill was passed.

Anyway, I get my new tenant into his own cell and write a letter to my veterinary partner. Ok it’s not really a cell but I don’t have a better name for it. It’s a really comfy cage, with food and water and a nice bed. And it’s only temporary. Once he gets treated, I can try to introduce him to the other cats and animals. As long as he’s not aggressive, he’ll be able to sleep wherever he wants.

With the letter penned and sent via bird, I can relax in my almost office. The ceiling had collapsed in the actual office before I moved in, and I don’t have the bits to get it repaired. So I moved a desk into one of the larger rooms and put up a privacy curtain behind it where I have my cot to sleep in every night. It’s not glamorous, but I’m content.

By the time I finish the paperwork for the tiger, I receive my reply. She’ll be here this evening. It’s afternoon right now, so about an hour's flight. She doesn’t usually come this late, preferring to show up in the wee hours of the following morning... She must have some free time today, but it’s not my business. She works for dirt cheap and the animals love her, that’s good enough for me.

I mean, sure, she’s also adorable and has just the prettiest smile you’ll ever see, but that’s irrelevant! She’s a great vet and, like me, doesn’t let the fact that she isn’t an earth pony stop her from working with animals.

With time to kill before she arrives, I lay down in my cot and rest my head on a nice soft turtle-shell…

Turtle-shell?

I lift my head to inspect where my pillow should be, and do indeed find a turtle-shell with the owner just starting to poke his head out. He looks up at me slowly with what I imagine is a smile.

Yes, hello Sherman. Nice to see you again too.

The old codger just smiles back up at me.

He’s one of the critters that have been with me the longest, primarily because he hasn’t been fond of leaving. I relocated him once, and three months later he was back at my door. His usual activities consist of making the two-day journey to and from his food and water bowls in another room down the hallway. So every two days I find him inexplicably on my cot where my pillow would be. One of the other animals must help him up, or he has a pair of wings that he hasn’t told me about.

I even tried to move his food to my office so he would not have to make the journey, but then he refused to eat. He just stared at me. My guess? It’s a pride thing, proving he can,orr something.

I don’t speak turtle.

As is our routine, I take him into my forelegs and lie down again with him against my chest. Satisfied, his head retreats back inside. I manage to catch an hour and a half of sleep before the vet arrives.

Well… an hour for her to get here, and another half hour for her to summon the courage to wake me, or ask one of the animals to do it for her.

Great caregiver, but not an impulsive bone in her body.

I nudge away the bird that was tickling my nose with a feather, yawning and greeting the petite pegasus.

“Good evening, Miss Fluttershy. Did you have a safe trip?” Sherman gets gently placed back on my pillow. Do I spoil him? Maybe a little. I sit up and stretch my neck, turning to the pegasus standing in my doorway.

Fluttershy smiles warmly, her feathers ruffling a bit at being the center of attention. During our first meeting she never came out from behind her mane, now she only shies away a little bit when talking to me. It took her several weeks to get brave enough to tell me her name. I’ve never heard her talk louder than a whisper, so to say she is soft-spoken would be an understatement.

“Hello Miss Keen Eye. The flight was nice, calm. I ran into a skein of geese on the way, they were very polite.”

Did I mention she can actually talk to animals? Yeah, I’m not jealous at all.

“I’m sure they were. Thank you for coming on such short notice. This isn’t our first big cat, but this is the first one with more than just a broken claw or dislocated shoulder. I appreciate your help.”

And your next-to-nothing cost of service, that’s great too.

“Oh it’s no bother at all, I had a spa date with my friend Rarity planned, but she had to cancel. Something with another of our friends I think…”

Not my business.

I wordlessly lead her to the tiger’s room, letting her ponder her canceled plans in peace. When we arrive, the tiger is curled up in the far corner and facing the doorway. Cautious, defensive, totally expected given his situation. But he won’t be like that for long.

As if on cue, Fluttershy brushes into the room towards him, going against everything I would do when approaching a cornered, injured tiger. His growl does little to deter her, she pats him on the cheek and tells him not to worry. In no time she’s fretting over his wounds while he watches, perplexed. If I had to guess, he’s got no clue why he is letting the strange mare do this. He doesn’t fight it, just silently accepts the situation.

Comically, he turns his questioning gaze toward me, searching for an answer. I shrug in reply. This is par for the course with her.

Twenty minutes later and he’s all bandaged up and relaxed, having just been subjected to a shoulder massage by the mare. It sure looked enjoyable, I’m honestly a little jealous.

Because it looked really nice! N-not because it was her doing it!

She pulls her hooves away, doing a final check on his wrappings. That’s my cue. I make my way to them, sitting down on his other side. I take my hoof and gently brush it along his coat, up and down the back of his neck. He tenses at first, then relaxes again. Another step on the path to recovery taken. Once he trusts me, I can work with him to get him ready for release back into the wild.

I pull away before getting too ahead of myself. He’s not a house cat, despite how he had sprawled himself out for Fluttershy. I pushed his boundary, successfully, and that’s enough for today.

I close the door behind me as I follow Fluttershy back to my office. She writes me a note about proper treatment and dietary needs for the tiger, then attempts to quickly bid me goodbye.

As if it was choreographed in a studio, she trips on the rattlesnake that had snuck inside my office and lands in a heap beside the office door. I trot over and looked down at her, eyebrow raised. She blushes, caught again in the little act we have. Every time I ask her to come and treat an animal, she attempts to leave without being paid. I may have allowed it the first few times, but I’m a professional now. So I started to set little traps with the animals for her, catching her before she scurries off. This time it was a rattlesnake, last time it was a family of rabbits (the adorable little vandals had devastated a small garden in Lower Canterlot before I was called in).

I usually use a snake, such curious and mischievous critters. It would be hard to get them to help without the assistance of the rattler currently smelling Fluttershy’s nose, whom I’ve taken to calling Speed Bump. Bump for short. She must talk to the other slithery fellows for me, otherwise I’d have to assume all of the snakes I’ve caught are telepathic.

Snakes are my favorite animals.

Bump does not respond to my mental outburst, it looks like I’m in the clear.

I manage to get Fluttershy to accept a small pouch of bits before she leaves, but it’s never easy. I make a mental note to never enter a nice-off against her.

I feel Bump coil around my leg and slither up my back, the cheeky thing. She doesn’t let go as I go through my evening tasks, refilling food and water for the rest of the residents of my facility. She doesn’t even budge when I pass by the snake enclosure, despite the tantalizing warmth from the heat lamp set up and the small pile of other snakes curled up underneath it.

I guess I’ve got two bedmates for tonight, which is far from strange. I rarely sleep alone. Since there are only a few locked doors in the facility, critters can roam as they please. That includes my office, and ultimately my cot. I have a few regulars, Bump and Sherman included, that choose to sleep with me on occasion. It’s just something I’ve learned to live with.

I wonder if Fluttershy has to deal with this too.

A few days later, I'm finally letting the big cat out to frolic with the other animals. Once he got to trusting me, he was practically tame. Which is weird...

I shake my head, pushing the thoughts away. Who am I to question someone acting contrary to what's expected? With a flick of my hoof, the latch releases and the door swings open. Last night he was pacing his cage, a little restless. A sign he was well enough to walk around without me hovering over him.

I'm letting him out into the enclosed yard I have connected to the building. High fences, slightly greased. They'll leave when I allow them to, not a second before.

The fences connect to the walls of the building, with a large doorway opening to the inside. The animals here are free to go in and out as they please, I put up a heavy curtain in the winter to keep the heat and cold where they belong.

I'll wait a few minutes to see if my new tenant is brave enough to go out, they are often reluctant. Luckily, I have some snacks in my pocket, in case I need to lead him out with tasty goodies. But before I can even lean on the cage to begin my wait, the tiger walks out.

He struts right out like he's done it before. Usually, I have to coax new arrivals out with food. The way he lazily exits and begins to mingle with the other animals in the yard tells me that he's been in this kind of situation before. Maybe this isn't the first time he was captured?

I ponder that as I put the cage away, almost crushing my hoof in the process. I lift it to my face to see if I hit myself, and I catch sight of something even more strange. Near the far end of the yard, the tiger has found an odd new friend. As I watch, a small white cat approaches him and starts affectionately rubbing against his legs.

Even more odd, the big cat leans his head down to nuzzle the little one. A house cat and a tiger? No critter can make friends that fast, barely a glance.

I squint at the small white kitty, remembering why a common house cat is in here instead of a home or kennel. I had been called a few days before the tiger to restrain a 'violent feline', and was surprised to see the little bundle of fur flinging itself around a park on the outskirts of the city. It was not playing, but terrorizing any who came close. Like a.cat possessed by a demon of tartarus. It took me nearly an hour and a few scratches, but I managed to walk away with it purring between my shoulder blades.

Cats are crazy.

It interacts with the other animals fine, but has a serious hate for ponies. Except for me. And Fluttershy. But who’s surprised there?

But this is the first one it’s blatantly been affectionate with. I’ll have to keep an eye on those two.

It’s not until the evening that I get some clue.

I do my last checks before locking up and heading to bed, saving the yard for last. AS I suspect, they sit leisurely hugging the outside wall, the one facing the forest. Their posture tells me that they are a relaxed, but the flick of a tail and the swiveling of perked ears says differently. A little on edge... perhaps.

I shrug, they can’t jump over the walls on their own and there’s no rule against sleeping outside. I tell myself that it’s nothing to worry over and go to bed.

The entire next day they spend over at that wall. My curiosity is piqued, and I sneak over when they go to get food from inside. There is nothing special here, no extra ray of sunshine to bask in, no special toys, no special breeze. Just a spot of grass next to a wall.

As the day drags on, they seem to get more on edge. The tiger paces back and forth, making a rut in the grass. I frown, this is not normal behavior. I’ll have to get Fluttershy over tomorrow to have another look at him. If he’s just restless and feeling cooped up then there’s not much I can do. Until he’s healed, I can’t work toward releasing him back to the wild.

Again, I tell myself it’s nothing to worry over right now.

By the time the next morning rolls around, I’m certain of one thing. I got two hours of sleep, max. I spent most of the night worrying over those cats. Maybe I’m crazy and it’s finally catching up with me. But when I go out to the yard that morning and catch a glimpse of one of them swiping a piece of paper out of sight, I know something is wrong.

When I approach to check his bandages, he growls and doesn't let me come within a tail-length of him. This is a major backstep compared to how he treated me yesterday.

I send a letter to Fluttershy, asking her about the odd behavior and when the next day is that she can come back.

When the cats leave for lunch, I sneak over and find the paper partially buried.

My Celestia… I feel like some kind of weird detective. These are wild animals, this is probably just trash blown over the wall by the wind. I should probably just throw it away...

I pick up the paper and read it.

“Tonight. Here. Midnight.”

At the bottom is part of an inky paw print from no animal I’ve ever seen.

Ok… I now have reason to worry. What in the wide world of Equestria is going on with these cats?? Strange behavior? Notes?

I bury the note again.

Whatever it is, I’m going to find out. This is my facility and I won’t stand for shenanigans involving my animals. I am responsible for their care and wellbeing.

As I go throughout my daily chores around the building, I feel like eyes are on me every time I step outside. Tension in the air. I can’t ignore it.

It’s time for a stakeout.

Yup, I guess I’m adding detective to my list of jobs here now.

After the sun had long since set and the night was quiet, I performed my evening routine and went to bed for the night. Except I did not. Instead, I lay on the roof of the building, peaking over the edge into the yard. I can only just make out the outlines of the animals there in the soft moonlight. All asleep, save for the cats.

All is quiet, the only sound being the leaves on the trees blowing occasionally in the wind.

Crick

I hear it, sounds like somepony nudged an old wooden door that needed its hinges oiled. That is very out of place. I listen closely, but the sound does not repeat itself.

The wind blows and the leaves rustle.

Creak

There it is again! Almost unnoticeable under the sounds of the leaves, but I definitely heard it. What in the world could it be?

As the next rush of wind blows by, I see something along the top of the wall. Two shadowy poles or sticks. Like a giraffe is almost looking over the wall.

I don’t have any giraffes, and if I did they certainly wouldn’t be on the other side of the wall.

It’s a few minutes before the wind picks up again, and the sticks extend past the top of the wall, but higher. I think I see rungs attached between them.

Is is a ladder? Is there seriously somepony trying to climb over my wall with a ladder to get to these cats? I know nobles have done some really stupid things before, but this one might just take the cake.

I wait until the ladder is all the way over the wall and a figure is climbing over before I go down to confront them. I fly down my own ladder faster than I ever have. I’m nervous, excited. This is so new and strange and goodness I can feel my heart hammering away in my chest. After a few moments to catch my breath, I slip outside and stalk over to the wall. Powering my horn and casting light into the area, I jump out with a shout already loose from my lips.

“Stop!”

And then I freeze in my tracks. At the bottom of the ladder and trying to coax the tiger up it… is the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s as big as a minotaur and looks like... Honestly a bunch of things. Head like a dog. Paws, Legs like an ape. And a long thin tail with… a haND ON THE END?

I’m crazy. I have to be. That Discord fellow must have bopped me on the head when I wasn’t looking and now I’m nuts. That’s the only explanation that would make sense. The other possibility is that I am literally staring into the eyes of some kind of chimera.

We both stare at each other for a few seconds, neither moving an inch.

I don’t think I’m imagining this. There is an honest to Celestia chimera standing in front of me.

I can't panic right now. I won't let myself.

Think think think.

A lesson from one of the books I used to read a lot to learn from comes flying into my mind. The wise words of Sir Whinny:

'When facing something new, something potentially dangerous, keep your head. When it comes to wild animals, odds are it's just as scared of you as you are of it. If you act calm, it will act calm. It's alright to take a moment and assess the situation. Think before you act. It's trying to live it's life same as you are. You both deserve to be treated with respect.'

Take a moment, I think to myself. Assess the situation.

I take a deep breath. Time seems to slow down, I take in every detail that I can of the image in front of me. There’s a chimera with a ladder, and then there’s the cats. The ladder is haphazardly made with some sticks tied together with a frayed rope. The tiger is still at the bottom of the ladder and... hiding his head behind the chimera? And the little white kitty is seated comfortably atop the chimera’s head.

New assessment. They all know each other... Somehow. If how they’re acting is any indication, they were waiting for this creature to appear. The tail-hand looks a lot like the print on the note.

If this is the case, then I know what I have to do.

Very deliberately, I sit down. I keep my posture straight, but not rigid. I am not aggressive. I am nothing to fear.

The chimera cocks his head at me, then surprisingly mirrors my actions and sits down. I think it’s a he, by the look of his jaw set and muscle build. His tail idly reaches up and gives the tiger a scritch under his chin.

Step one done, situation de-escalated. Step two, communication. It’s key.

“Hello.” I thank my lucky stars, my voice didn’t crack. “Can you understand me?”

He cautiously nods his head, regarding me as one would a puzzle. His shoulders are tense and the angle of his ears tell me he’s seconds from bolting. But I don’t think he will, not without his friends. Or are they his pets? I can’t be sure.

“Are you taking them? Are they yours?”

Another nod.

I really am crazy.

“Wait here, please.” Another nod in response. I slowly get up and walk back inside, returning a minute later with some papers held aloft in my magic and a pen in my mouth. He hasn’t moved, they float over and present themselves to him. I make sure there’s enough light that he can read them, assuming he can’t see in the dark. But judging by how easily he got in here, I’d hazard to guess he can. So I brightened the light for my own benefit, getting a better look at him as he reads through the documents.

He’s got tribal-like markings on his fur, whether they are intentional I can’t say. They look natural. He has a very big mouth with lots of teeth. The shiver that travels down my back is because of a sudden chill brought by wind, I’m sure of it.

When I look back to his eyes, eyes that seem to be entirely in the wrong place on his head, I find myself making contact with his own critical gaze. It doesn’t seem like he is sizing me up for dinner, but he’s not looking at me like one would a Canterlot model either.

He glances between me and the papers.

I nod, walking over to him and giving him the pen with my hoof. A bold act, coming daringly inside striking range. His tail-hand snakes up to grab it and he quickly fills out the documents, pausing only once at the section about payment. I shake my head.

It's on the house.

He almost smiles while he finishes and signs with a clumsy flourish. I take the papers and pen back, and step away.

Without a word, he helps the tiger up the ladder and then follows up. They take the ladder with them once over to the other side. I return to my office, filing the papers away and falling into bed and a dreamless sleep.

Two animals returned home. Not a bad day.

Author's Note

Hey there, welcome to my new thing. It's an idea I've toyed with for a while and it feels so good to finally be getting it down on paper. I'd give you a cookie for reading through the while thing, but I don't have any.

Anywho, thanks for reading, I hope you liked it!

Remember, leave a comment and make an author's day!

P.S.
If you find the hidden crocodile hunter in this chapter, I'll give you a cookie
There is no guarantee a cookie will be granted, but I will still be proud of you anyway

Chapter 2: What was Normal Again?

tickle tickle

I'm getting really tired of whoever's tail is brushing across my face. Tiredly, I brush it away. I've earned some sleeping in, considering what happened last night.

Tickle tickle

Again I brush it away, hiding my muzzle in the crook of my leg so as to not get bothered again.

Prod prod

Alright, now I'm a little annoyed. You can give me an extra hour before getting fed, it won't kill you. I crack open an eyelid, making out something blurry and yellow... I can't place what it could be though. With a grumble, I turn over in my cot away from my morning offender, keeping Sherman tight to my chest.

I faintly hear some sound of disappointment. Like a puppy whine or a sad bird. Pretty.

Whatever it is leaves me alone after that, I start to fade off again. At the cusp of sleep, I feel a prodding on my back, more insistent this time. A frown marring my sleepy face, I turn my head around to glare at whoever dares.

When dealing with tired mares, it's never a good idea to pester them while they are trying to sleep.

My eyes focus in on the blurry yellow that is rapidly becoming less blurry and a little more pink and WAIT THAT'S FLUTTERSHY!!

With a startled yelp and a flailing of hooves, I find myself falling to the floor, somehow managing to land Sherman safely back on the cot.

"Oh dear…" her voice sounds like bells chiming in a gentle breeze. I'd love to wake up to that soft voice every morning, as long as it did not also include falling to the floor in surprise.

"Good morning Miss Fluttershy," I wheeze out a few painful seconds later, "what brings you here so early in the morning?"

She looks adorably bashful as she rubs her leg and partially hides her face behind her wing.

"Well.... you asked me to come in today and I was... um... a little worried and..." If changelings could feed off cuteness, she would be a limitless battery. "...and it's past noon and I thought you were…"

Past NOON??

I leap to my hooves with only a little stumble and round on the mare, grasping her by the shoulders.

"It's past noon? I've been sleeping all that time?"

She squirms under the attention and her wings instinctively come up to hide her face. Celestia darnit Fluttershy, this is not the time to be that cute! I need to feed the animals and do my other chores, not indulge myself!

"Well... umm… yes."

Without another word I practically fly past her and down the hall. I'm not even two doors down before I feel a tug on my tail. I stop and glance back and see her holding me there, worry evident on her face. She speaks around my tail hairs, still mostly intelligible.

"Everything is okay, I sleep in too sometimes and my animals get along just fine without me for an extra hour."

I take back my tail and continue in a hurry.

"I don't. I've never slept in and never missed my morning routine. A schedule and structure is important for some of these creatures and it's my responsibility to…"

The air over my head whips as Fluttershy nimbly jumps over me, landing in my path and standing tall.

"Stop."

I halt in my tracks, almost skidding on the floor. She didn't shout, not even close, but I've never felt such power behind her voice. Or really anypony's voice.

"Sit, please."

My rump hits the floor in an instant. I'm not in control anymore. Her eyes are narrow and intense, intimidating. Almost scary. I feel disoriented, only able to focus on her face. I can't look away. I feel like I'm being pulled in and pushed put at the same time by those cyan diamonds. And yet, it doesn't feel unnatural.

The last time that I remember feeling this cowed, I was on the receiving end of the ‘mom voice’ after I tracked topsoil all the way through my parent’s house.

"Take a deep breath, slowly, in and out."

I do as she says, not that I have much of a choice. My lungs fill with air deliberately and slowly, nerves calming with each exhale that follows. I do feel more calm now, actually.

"Better?"

"Much better."

She smiles warmly, all traces of that strange stare vanished from her features.

"Good. I'm sure you can get everything done in no time. I can even help... if you would like?"

The words tumble out before I can stop them.

"Will you help me?"

That smile brightens her face again.

"Of course! How about I go this way and you go that way and we'll meet back at your office?"

I barely remember agreeing with her before she's humming and trotting off down the hallway. I stare after her, my eyes are glued to her retreating image. I take a few steps, my head still facing after her, and promptly trip to the ground. The shock knocks me out of my stupor, the rest of the world crashing back in on my perception.

I brush my mane out of my eyes and look into the face of a certain mischievous snake. She sniffs my nose and I could swear she was smirking at me, if snakes could smirk. I glare at her in reply.

Not a word, Bump. Not a word.

She silently laughs at me, the little devil, and slithers up to drape around my shoulders. I don't dignify her with any acknowledgement as I climb to my hooves, my mind too occupied.

Just what had that mare done to me?

Only a half hour later and I'm approaching my office, my half of the chores completed. Seems I finished before Fluttershy. But as I trot inside I discover that is not true. She stands beside my desk with a small bag resting on the desk surface. She regards me with an odd look. It doesn't hold the power of her one from earlier, but it isn't relaxed either. I honestly can't decipher it.

"Where is the tiger?"

My mind races, the tiger? That's why she came here today, right? Something about it's behavior I wanted her to have a look at. But that's been solved, I released it… last night. Right. I'm not sure I have it in me to lie to her, but...

"I... uh... released him." Thanks mouth.

"You found a place, sorted out transport and paperwork, and released it in less than a day?"

Her tone was unbelieving, accusatory even. I flinched.

"No, I gave him back to his rightful caretaker."

"His caretaker? I thought he was going back to the wild?"

In for a bit...

"There was a... change of plans. His actual owner came by last night and signed him out."

"They did? Who was it?"

"I... can't tell you that." Because I don't really know myself, but I best not tell her that.

Her eyes narrow a little. With a wing, she tips over the bag and a bunch of gold coins spill out. Horse-apples. Where did that come from?"

"I found this sitting out in the yard beside the wall."

That explains it. Double horse-apples. Just who was that thing? Those don't even look like normal bits! Ok, focus. How do I explain this to Fluttershy without really explaining it? And without lying, I couldn't do that to her.

"Please, just trust me. He's with someone who cares about him. It was apparent as soon as they saw each other. I didn't charge them anything, I honestly had no idea those were out there."

Her gaze softens, her brow furrowing. Did I pull it off? She closes her eyes and nods, sighing.

"I trust you. I still would like an explanation, but I trust you."

My entire body goes slack, sweet Celestia that was close. I can't make a habit of this, I don't have the heart for it. If I ever see that... thing again, I have some questions for him.

Shortly later, I wave to Fluttershy as she flies back to her home. I let her go without paying her this time, didn't feel like pushing my luck as many times in a twenty-four hour period. And judging by the sight of an approaching royal guard, I made a good call.

Another day, another exotic bird.

They're a lot less dangerous than some of the other animals I've gotten called for, usually. I had a case with a cockatrice once, but that's about the most dangerous one I've dealt with. Nothing as deadly as a phoenix, though I did my thesis in college on their nesting habits.

I can't get my mind off of recent events. I want to do research about that... thing. Whatever he was. But I have no idea where I would even start. He looked like some kind of chimera, but there is no real registry of them. Only the notable ones get records and research about them, like Discord or the one with the multiple heads. Come to think of it, I’m not actually sure Discord counts as a chimera. But that’s off-topic.

My brow furrows with thought.

The one I saw is likely a kind of minor chimera, produced naturally by the chaotic-ness of the Everfree Forest.

But... this one seemed different. It was not an animal, not mindless. He was not mindless. He formed symbiotic relationships with other animals, showed care. That suggests he is at least a higher predator. He could also read and write, construct and use tools. That suggests an intelligence more akin to a monkey or ape.

The strangest so far had to be the bag of coins. I am no expert, but they looked to be made of real gold, and bore no symbols I recognized. It was no coincidence, he left them there for me. Payment maybe? So he may understand currency and trade. That puts him at a near pony-level intelligence.

The sound of flapping wings interrupts my musing. I look up from the book I was staring at but not reading, seeing my prey fly in a cautious circle around my trap. All according to plan. It won’t be long now.

I close the book, running my hoof gently over the cover. It’s a picture of a cragadile, but not depicted as a savage creature to be feared. In fact, this one has a foal riding merrily on its back while an older pony kneels beside it.

THE CRAGADILE HUNTER, by Sir Whinney

This book shaped how I interact with animals, how I treat them. The author himself was my greatest inspiration, my role model. I even sent a letter to his family after he died.

The flapping gets closer. Just a little more waiting, you can't rush something like this.

I cast my eye skyward again, looking up the long pole shooting from the ground next to me. It's a simple trap, humane and effective, and almost entirely by my own design. At the top of the pole sits a strong dome-shaped wicker basket, upside down with the inside facing the sky. The basket is padded with prime nesting materials, sticks, twigs, bits of hair and fur, bits of cotton. I even like to toss in some bits of birdseed sometimes. Soft and safe. The perfect lure for a wayward bird.

My prey today is a young condor. Whether it flew to Canterlot by mistake or some pony brought it here, I have no idea. Either way, it's scaring ponies and there's not enough food in the area to support such a large bird.

Speaking of, it finishes it's last cautious circles and finally comes in to land. The pole barely sways with the weight of the bird now resting on it. After a few moments, giving it time to settle in, I spring the trap.

Slowly, as not to alarm my new eagle-eyed friend, I reach a hoof over toward the bottom of the pole where a crank protrudes out from the wood. Once I'm close enough, a quick flick is all it takes to release the springs. Two wicker half-domes slide up from underneath the basket, clamping together at the top to form a complete sphere with the condor inside. I got the idea for the design from watching a Venus fly-trap plant. Marvelously effective.

I love it when things go according to plan like this.

Grinning, I slowly collapse the pole, bringing the basket down to the ground with an irate predator inside. He doesn't look upset enough to try tearing at the cage to escape. This cage was meant for smaller birds, and a strong beak or talons could make short work of the woven wood baskets.

He makes no effort to break free as I load the cage up on my wagon. There's a hook sticking out near the top that I hang the enclosed basket on. I should be in the clear, if he's not fighting now, he probably won't fight later.

Making my way back through the city, my mind has time to start wandering again. Again, the subject of the creature from last night occupies the majority of my thoughts. I bring up the image of him again. The strange markings, the tail with the paw/hand on the end. A lot like the picture in that shop window actually.

My wagon jerks as I come to an abrupt stop. I crane my neck to look back at the shop window I just passed. It's a small book store, right at the border of Upper and Lower Canterlot. And sitting right in the window is a picture of the creature. Well, more like a fairly accurate colored sketch. It's the cover of a book.

Daring Do and the Sapphire Stone
By A. K. Yearling.

I don't think I've ever gotten through a store that quickly. I went in, bought a copy of the book, and left. Less than five minutes.

The route home is a familiar one, I put my legs on autopilot as I start reading, letting them take me home as I devour page after page. It's an adventure book, written for young ponies, about a pegasus named Daring Do.

I can't say I read many books like this when I was younger, but I find myself enjoying it a little. Who says research can't be fun?

I just manage to reach my shelter when duty calls again. Barely made it through the exposition of the story, but it'll have to wait. This guard is significantly less calm than the one who retrieved me earlier. And there's three of them.

They explain the situation between pants, having galloped all the way across the city. There's a panther in the royal palace. An aggressive, injured, adult panther.

Oh horse-apples.

They wait for me to take the condor inside and gather my things. There's an air of urgency surrounding them, so I don't waste any time. Once I'm ready, one of them hitches up to my wagon and they all move in formation around me toward the palace. This is the first time I've been in the center of a royal guard escort, they keep a brisk pace through the city. They may be fitter than I am, but without my wagon weighing me down I manage to keep up just fine.

We garner more and more stares from ponies we pass as we travel. This is gonna do wonders for my reputation. Escorted by guards like a criminal.

But I might get a bonus since this is such a high profile case. The royal palace. I've only ever seen it from streets away, over the walls. Now, I'm being lead right inside.

Through the gate is a courtyard, probably for carriages to drop off visitors. A platoon of guards stands off to my left, putting on padded armor and covering bare fur patches. In case they need to assist me, no doubt.

And to my right is…

Is Princess Celestia herself, conversing with who I assume to be some of the palace staff. She's not radiating light and glowing as she does during the Summer Sun Celebration, but she's still a breathtaking sight to behold. The setting sun is reflecting off of her royal ornaments and casting her in a warm glow.

Her ageless eyes come up to meet mine as I am escorted past her. There's a flicker of something behind them, something I can't place.

I'm good at reading animals, not ponies.

I've never been good with ponies.

The guards whisk me through the great corridors, priceless art and history flying past me. Before long we come to a closed door, the first I've seen so far. The wood looks sturdy and strong, and very old. I need to be careful in here, it's practically a museum.

Facing the doors is another squad of guards, their spears lacking the sharp tips they usually possess. They want to resolve this nonviolently.

That's why I'm here.

I hear the clipping of hooves behind us, the other platoon has finished donning their padded armor. I'm told a code word as they take position on either side of the door. If I yell it, they will burst in to assist. But until then, I am on my own.

This is unusually high pressure from what I'm used to. Maybe because it's in the palace, this is standard procedure for the guards?

The doors open and I am ushered through. They close behind me with a solid thud. Time to get to work. This should be easy.

Finally, I have a moment to catch my breath, which I do so as quietly as possible from my hiding place behind a fern in one of the palace corridors. I use that moment to reflect on what got me here.

To say something went wrong would not be accurate, since that implies that something was going right beforehoof. No, this was bad from the start.

The good news is, the panther is an uninjured, healthy female. Whomever found her must have seen it wrong. The bad news is that she is unbelievably aggressive and unwilling to parlay even for a moment. From the second I was past those doors, I was being hunted. Not the cautious hunt of the tiger, but the violent hunt of a predator unhinged. The guards must have riled her up when they first discovered her, that's the only explanation I have for the unnatural hostility. It's no wonder they were treating this like they were, this cat is a serious danger to anyone in the vicinity.

And right now, that's me.

If this keeps up, I'll have to use my last resort. I hate using that plan. But this cat is not giving me much choice.

My ears swivel at a sound right at the edge of my hearing. It's impossible to be certain what it is. Luckily, my body does not need time to ponder the source of the sound. Instinct dictates that I flee again. I kick off from the wall, launching myself out from behind the potted plant. I do it just in time too, if the feeling of losing a few tail hairs and the sound of breaking ceramics are any indication.

My mind races on the fly. What are my options?

Get near exit doors and call for help

Attempt to outwit and hide from an apex predator

Try again to reason with it

Last Resort plan

Options one and three are out, calling in the calvary will only escalate her behavior, and she's beyond reason in this state. Option two is what I'm still doing right now, zig-zagging around corners and through ante-rooms and tea lounges. Damn nobles, not a single useful space in this wing.

Speaking of, I'm running out of room. I already made it to the end of the corridor once, barely managing to slip past the panther and gallop back toward where I came from. I doubt I'll manage it again. I'm tired, sweaty, bruised and scuffed. My uniform is ripped, my pockets spilled somewhere near the other end of the wing. My legs ache and the edges of my vision are getting fuzzy.

As I approach another doorway, the fur on the back of my neck springs to attention, standing straight up.

I skid to a stop suddenly, rolling onto my back and pulling my back legs to my chest. A black mass lunges at me. I kick my legs up like uncoiled springs, catching it in the chest and hurling it over me into the nearest room

Scrambling to my hooves, I gallop another few doors down, my frantically beating heart dropping into the pit of my stomach at the next sight. The door I entered from.

The end of the line.

A furious growl sounds behind me.

The muscles in my legs burn. My ears are ringing.

Time's up.

I hate this plan.

I dive to the floor, sliding like a hoofball player toward the door on my side. Throwing my shoulders and pivoting my hips, I manage to turn over mid-slide. Time seems to slow down. The blur is flying across the room, getting bigger with each fractured moment.

Closing my eyes, I light my horn and send out a pulse of magic from it. My back hits the old wooden doors with a painful thud.

After a moment, I peek open one of my eyes squeezed shut. A tail-length away from me hangs the panther, floating in space and struggling. Sound returns to my ears, I can hear her struggle, growling and hissing.

The doors open cautiously behind me, cool air flowing aircross my back from the opening. I tiredly turn my head, meeting the eyes of the half-dozen guards on standby to help. I can feel my heart still punching my ribs. My chest is heaving like a dog panting on a summer day. I must look like a mess.

Wordlessly, they help me to my hooves and prop me against one of them for support. I appreciate it. Another of them, a unicorn, moves to take the still struggling cat from my magical grasp into his own. I shake my head. What's done is done, the least I can do is limit the strain to just myself.

The trip back through the palace passes in a blur, I'm assured that I won't be charged for any damages that occurred during my efforts. Again, one of them offers to carry her for me. Again I refuse. Finally, we emerge back into the courtyard where my wagon is parked, palace staff bustling back inside to access the damage and resume normal activities. The princess is nowhere to be seen.

I levitate the panther into the wagon box, closing the door and locking it. Then I can finally release the pressure from my horn. I ignore the sounds of clawed paws staking in circles inside, collapsing to the ground beside it. I assure the guard accompanying me that I'll only need a moment to catch my breath, then I'll be on my way.

I’m not sure how long I lay there, I don’t remember closing my eyes. And yet when I blink, there is suddenly a heavy blanket draped over me. The sun is much lower than it was when I arrived.

I must have shifted as I woke, somepony clears their throat to the side of me. There is a guard standing vigilant. There is no way in Tartarus that this is a normal guard position. So they must be watching over me. How polite.

My mane is somehow in worse condition then when I lay down. I guess I fell asleep. Darn.

At a closer look, I can see they are staring at me. They meet my eye, grinning cheekily at my disheveled state.

Double darn.

So much for looking professional.

I fold and drape the blanket over the now stoic guard, hitch myself back into the cart, and leave.

Halfway back to the shelter I remember what I was doing before being summoned. The last half of the journey is made in record time. With an hour of returning the panther is safely inside the cell and I am seated at my desk, muzzle deep in the Daring Do book. I’m only going to read a few chapters before going to bed.

The book sits on my desk.

Closed.

Finished.

It’s some time past midnight but before daybreak.

I read every chapter, some multiple times, and know every detail.

Ahuizotl. His name is Ahuizotl. He's a treasure hunter with more… nefarious motives. He's got a clan of cats that accompany him: a tiger, cheetah, lynx, panther, and a fussy white house cat.

It all fits.

I met the villain from a foals adventure book.

That sentence is impossible.

Right?

. . .

If I was a betting mare, and I'm not, I would place everything I had on the bet that the panther in my holding cell right now is the one from the book. Which means...

He'll be back. Soon.

That gives me time to prepare.

Author's Note

Wew this took alot longer than I planned to finally finish. Struggled with the last half of it, not gonna lie.

Anyways, thanks for continuing to read. I hope you liked it!

Remember to leave a comment, make an author's day!

Chapter 3: Truth is Often Stranger...

Preparing did not take very long at all. I wrote up a quick little “contract”, because having things in writing is an important lesson I learned while trying to navigate the Canterlot bureaucracy. And I familiarized myself with my newest guest.

Unfortunately, the panther was just as unhappy to see me as the last time we met. Lucky for me, I still had the note from the previous incident. One look at that and she changed her tune like a jukebox.

She changed from hissing and aggressive to purring and content the moment I showed her that paw print. It was slightly unsettling, but also reassuring. If just a paw-print could elicit this much of a change, there had to be quite a bond formed there.

Right now, the only thing I have to do is wait. But that’s no issue, I’m a very patient mare.

I didn’t have to wait long, Ahuizotl was likely still nearby looking for his other big cat. I only had to let her out in the yard once before she started acting all jittery and frequently glancing toward the tree line.

It was hard to get her inside once evening fell, but some cooked salmon did the trick. A few other pieces left out made up the trail.

I had my bait, I laid out the red carpet, and if the tension in the air was any indication, the guest of honor was on his way.

And here I sit, in that same cell I kept the first cat in, panther lounging behind me on an old mattress.

The only hint I had company was the momentary pause in the sounds of the wind, gently blowing by the doorway down the hall.

Anyone else may have brushed it off as a momentary lapse in the wind outside. But I had learned a while ago how to listen to my instincts, to that little sixth sense that tells you when something isn’t normal.

My suspicions were confirmed when a set of slitted eyes peered out from the darkness of the open door.

Hello again, mister tiger.

A second set appeared beneath the first, our little white cat.

And finally, a set of almost sickeningly yellow eyes creep around the doorframe into view, the white of massive fangs just visible in the waning light of my candle.

“Ahuizotl.”

I speak his name out, looking for signs of recognition. Sure enough, his eyes widen slightly and his head lowers.

I raise my hooves, attempting to seem as non-confrontational as possible despite the situation.

“Yes, I know who you are. I read about you in this little book I found the other day in the city. I learned a lot, but I’d like to hear it from you as well.”

The cats stay where they are as he lumbers into the room soundlessly, stopping to tower over me, close enough I could make out the markings on his arms and face, but not enough for me to smell his breath.

“I am called Ahuizotl, as that is what I am.”

OK that was NOT what I was expecting his voice to sound like. His speech was flawless, only a few traces of an accent that I could not place. He sounded almost.. refined? Proper?

He lifts his paw, not the tail one, to his chest and turns to face the wall, speaking as if he's reciting lines from a play on-stage.

“It is likely that much of what you have read is true, though the accuracy of the details is very.. debatable.”

“So.. you’re not a criminal forest demon that steals ancient artifacts and tries to take over the world, along with your small army of jungle cats?”

Nearly growling, he whips back to face me. The firelight from my candle dances in his eyes as he glares at me.

“I AM THE GUARDIAN OF THOSE ARTIFACTS!”

He booms, clearly offended.

“It is my duty to protect the Basin and ensure the secrets and treasures held there do not fall into the wrong hands!”

"Hands like… Daring Do's?"

His eyes narrow at the sound of her name.

"That blasted mare has been a thorn in my paw for years. She claims to 'liberate' and 'recover' the sacred items I am sworn to protect, and then vanishes without another word."

"According to the book, she donates them for study and safe-keeping at the Canterlot museum."

He huffs dismissively. "A likely story. Had I not already tried to steal them back from said museum, I'd almost believe it."

Gears turned in my head.

"So you're saying…"

"Indeed. The artifacts on display are all fakes. Even snooping in the so-called 'sealed archives' revealed none of the genuine items. And the registry only has notes about the frauds."

"That is… mildly troubling…"

"More than mildly. I have not the foggiest clue what her real intentions are, what plans she has in motion. And since she can seamlessly blend in with the populace, I am unable to track her and find out."

The large creature's shoulders slump ever so slightly, and the corners of his eyes bend imperceptibly downward. He was exhausted.

"The only course of action I have is to keep her from getting any other artifacts, lest her plans come to fruition."

A thought jumps in my mind. "Wait.. what about the other treasure hunters? Dr. Caba-something. She fought and stopped him multiple times, at least according to the books."

"Just because she stopped other nefarious ponies does not mean she was acting morally. Enemy of My Enemy only goes so far when she then steals the treasures for herself." The tail hand waves dismissively. "Enough talk of her. Our business here is much more pressing at the moment."

We had gotten off on a bit of a tangent…

"Right, sorry. I didn't lure you in here just to interrogate you. I wanted to offer you a deal."

His head cocks to the side, and his pointy ears somehow seemed to perk up more.

"A DEAL?"

I unfurl the contract and slide it over to him. He picks it up gingerly, most if not all of his earlier aggression having faded. His guard is down.

Judging by the gentle waving of his tail, he's interested.

The kitten pads between his legs to join him in inspecting the parchment, though I doubt it could read any of it. The tiger, moving much more confidently now, interacts with the panther. All so… friendly. Familial.

Despite it all, I might actually be making the right choice.

"If I am understanding this correctly, you are offering asylum and care for my cats without expecting any kind of payment. And in return, you only ask that I keep them out of danger as much as possible?"

I keep my voice even, confident.

"That is correct. I understand they're your… minions, lacking a better word. I can understand bumps and bruises, the occasional scratch or dislocated shoulder."

Icicles dripped from my words, my demeanor taking on a hardness. "But if I see signs of a fight or any serious injury, you and I will trade more than words."

I let the threat hang in the air between us, and it was definitely a threat. While most ponies would consider that a very bad idea, considering the size difference between us, I am not most ponies.

Over this lovely little chat, I'd been analyzing his language, spoken and unspoken. I'd studied his actions in the books, his demeanor in-person, took in all of the information I could.

If I was anything, it was a very observant pony.

This was the best way to get my point across, and I'd know soon enough if it worked.

Ahuizotl's eyes drilled holes through my skull, piercing and assessing.

A smile spread across his face a moment before it broke into a deep laugh.

"I LIKE YOU, PONY."

He brought his bellows under control, holding up the contract.

"I find these terms agreeable. But I am a beast of higher standard, and will sign no agreement without knowing your name." His claw jabs in my direction. "To whom have I been speaking? Who dares to level a threat at me so casually? I demand to know before I agree to anything."

"My name is Keen Eye, Canterlot Animal Control." I extend a hoof and he shakes it vigorously.

"It is my pleasure to make your acquaintance, Kee'Nai. Your skills are wasted here. Had I not already tamed the beasts of the Basin, I would gladly seek to employ you for such services."

"I'm pretty sure that was a compliment."

"It was." He signs with another flourish. This time, though, his signature glows with a faint golden hue for a moment before fading.

He saw it as well, but was not surprised like I was.

"It is a binding agreement, Kee'Nai. I am a creature of my word, bound by sacred oaths." He waves his paw through the air and the document splits down the middle, each separate piece magically regenerating its missing half. "This is now one of them. A copy for each of us."

He tucks his copy away somewhere. "I shall teach my cats to come here should we ever be separated again, and this shall be the first place I look for them."

I take my copy, "And I will watch and care over them until you come to retrieve them, as long as our agreement is kept."

"Then our business here is done. May we meet again someday."

We bid each other farewell and he disappeared into the forests with his furry crew.

I slept really well that night.

It was only a week before I got my next visitor. And this time, it wasn't a big cat.

This strange mare kept snooping around the neighborhood next to my shelter. I noticed her when coming and going, or when peeking through the shutters on the windows. She was always in a different place. Always looking nonchalant and distracted elsewhere.

But she wasn't really good at it. It was like watching an inexperienced hunter. She had a lot of tells, and was obviously unsure of herself whenever another pony came near.

I had a few ideas as to her identity. New paparazzi? I did meet a princess a short while ago. Maybe they were looking for some gossip I may have heard in the palace.

Maybe it was a private investigator, following some lead about the sudden appearance of a couple of large predatory felines.

Or, judging by her gold-colored coat and gray-scale mane in perfect likeness to a certain storybook heroine, this was the famous Daring Do.

If you bet on option three, you'd have won a mound of bits.

She made her move on the twelfth day.

I was checking the mail that morning, as I usually did, and took the casual glance around the neighborhood in case I could spot the often poorly-hidden mare. And for the first time in over a week, I didn't see her snooping anywhere.

Peaking through the blinds once back inside yielded no results either. Needless to say I was immediately suspicious.

As I recall, Daring Do was a pegasus. With Canterlot residents being predominantly unicorns, this would mean that they are less likely to look skyward when searching for something.

Pegasus, on the other hoof, are just like birds in many ways. Cloudsdale may not be made of wood, but that doesnt mean the interlacing cloud structures and skyways were dissimilar to the branches of a large tree.

Tuning my mind to the thought processes of a bird lead me to the now obvious location of my snooper. One block over, hovering just far enough off of the ground to seem normal, was a fluffy white cloud. It wasn’t the only cloud in the morning sky, but it was the smallest and the lowest flying.

Bingo.

It was now a game of cat and mouse, and our mouse here thought themself the cat.

The usual trap was arranged with Bump, hiding her between the wall and an open door. I hitched up my cart and left, casual but with purpose, leaving the perfect opening for somepony to sneak in behind me.

Set.

I walk for two blocks before looking back, just catching a hint of gold flicking over the fence.

I approached as quickly and quietly as I could, opting for the grass to hide the sound of my cart behind me. I wasn’t in a particular rush, trusting bump to be more than a suitable distraction, but I will admit I was excited.

Sounds of a struggle echoed down the hall, leading me just outside the new-arrival room. And there on the floor, tangled in five feet of snake, was the mare I believed to be Daring Do.

Match.

Author's Note

Hey there

Author here

I had the worst case of writers-block and also moving to a different state.

And bouncing between jobs.

BUT NOW things are looking pretty stable and WOW look at this, I've even done some writing.

Thanks for reading and, of course, your patience. Brings a tear to this poor bug's eye.

In any case, I plan on doing more writing again going forward. Continue this story, FINALLY update LS. Mayhaps put out one of the other fics I've got on the backburner. Who knows.

Please attach any questions with a donation of love, in cash, and I'll try to get back to you within a few business years.

Chapter 4: Caught

I was not expecting Daring Do to scream at the top of her lungs. And I was really not expecting the scream to sound so masculine. Finally getting a close look at my mystery stalker reveals that this is not Daring Do. This is not even a mare, or a pegasus for that matter.

I had no idea who I just caught, but they were obviously terrified of snakes.

And as far as snakes go, Bump is likely the most harmless one you'll ever find. Even now, she was barely wrapped around the poor fellow, a gentle hug really.

“Do you mind telling me what you’re doing here?”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Very helpful. Probably couldn’t hear me over their own panic. I knock on the door twice, firmly. The sound breaks him out of his stupor, looking to me with wide eyes and begging with a single word.

“Help.”

Much better than screaming.

“Do you mind telling me what you’re doing here?”

“Ok so I know what you’re thinking…” He began, my right eyebrow rose like a guillotine.

"I'm not here to steal anything. I was really just…." He fumbles. "...curious?"

It didn't sound like he believed his own answer, and frankly I didn't either. I was debating leaving him 'trapped' for a few more minutes while I fetched the guards, but realization struck like a cobra.

The cloud. The suspicious mare snooping around. The lack of wings.

He wasn't alone.

That thought came to me fast enough that I wasn't too distracted to notice the fur standing up on the back of my neck.

I ducked to the ground, dropping to my belly purely on learned instinct. The tips of my mane parted and bent forward as a pony lunged over my head, missing me by the width of a few coins.

The second intruder crashed into the wall beside the first, miraculously not making a head-shaped hole on impact. The smattering of loose feathers thrown about from the crash confirmed that I had found the pegasus of the duo.

A mixture of disappointment and relief bubbled in my chest, the mare was not the same gold color as the "protagonist" I was expecting. The cyan blue coat contrasted with the cheap drab vest they were both wearing. A plastic plinth helmet clattered near my hooves.

Wonderful. They're her fans. It never mentioned fan labor in the book I read. Maybe they just came in to "wrangle" something exotic to brag to their friends about.

Whatever their motives, I had little patience for them. She was still dazed and he was still occupied via snake, so I had a minute to think.

That poor minute was shattered by the clearing of a throat behind me. My head swung around almost fast enough to give me whiplash. Luckily for me, it was not a third intruder or a storybook “heroine”.

Rather, it was a Solar Guard, silent as the grave, that made his way in behind me. A single raised eyebrow marring his stoic face was the only indication he took note of my two ‘guests’.

“Miss Keen Eye?” He asked gruffly. These guard types, always so serious. At my confirming nod, he continued.

“Your services are required in the palace. Another wild animal has been reported inside the halls. Her majesty’s aid has requested you urgently to come deal with it.”

Something was off. His tone, his posture, that he came in without a word. There was no urgency here, he could have been ordering lunch for all I could tell.

But a summons is a summons, and some of my fees are paid by the crown, so I was more than obligated to respond.

“Thank you for notifying me, I shall make my way there at once. In the meantime, could you keep an eye on these two? I just caught them trying to sneak in. uhh..” The word I was looking for escaped me for a moment. “...trespassers!”

He nodded resolutely and took a position blocking the door. I gratefully made my way past, depositing Bump on his armored back, and left with my cart toward the palace.

I should have known there was a catch. The whole situation seemed off, like I was missing something. It seemed like such an easy job.

So why then did I suddenly find myself nose to nose with one of the most dangerous beings in Equestria?

Looking back, I arrived without much fanfare at the castle. No frightened evacuation, no readying hazard team. Honestly, it looked like business as usual.

I was met just inside the entrance hall by the castle senechal or aid or whatever the position was. Assistant and right-hoof to Princess Celestia, a busybody. His voice was grating on my ears in a special way.

He informed me of my target, a wild opossum was loose on the castle grounds, getting into the kitchens and other mischief. More of a nuisance than a threat, but an unwelcome visitor nonetheless.

I picked up a visitor's map from the entrance area and began wandering. Scavengers and sneaks, opossum, perfect little creatures of the night. They didn't have the thieving reputation of a racoon, however.

Racoon couldn't be bargained with, I found from personal experience. Opossums, however, were usually eager to make a deal. Opportunists.

I found the kitchens, and the most straightforward path to the gardens. Then I found the path with the most nooks, cranies, and cover to hide behind.

In between the two is where I sat in wait, a few hallways with just enough plants and fancy decorations that a quick critter could scamper between them with ease, but not enough to make a passerby wary.

I didn't have a book this time, so I passed time by counting tiles on the floor or admiring the architecture. I never understood the need for sweeping ceilings and grandiose decor and whatnot, it was something you had built if you had too much money.

Or, I suppose, if you were the rulers of a nation.

This is the first time since i was a filly that I took time to really admire the stonework. It was frighteningly elegant, unnervingly unnatural.

It was around the next meal time that I caught my prey.

Well, less caught and more confronted. They turned the corner and we made eye contact. Recognition shown behind its gaze, it knew why I was here.

I stood up, facing it. Its little knees bent and toes flexed. The moment lasted for an hour in but a few seconds.

Situations like this, I had to put myself in the mindset of a predator. Ponies were, at their core, a prey species, so this took some creativity. But at this point I'd had alot of practice.

It made the first move, darting back around the corner. It only took a few moments to reach that point, turning the corner to find another identical hallway.

With no sign of movement, I knew the game was on. Any chance I took to look behind something was a chance they had to bolt to a different bit of cover, or eventually, to slip out of the hallway altogether. Game over for me.

To my luck, a broom, mop, and other cleaning supplies were just to the side of the hall, undoubtedly left by a cleaning worker gone off to lunch.

I fumbled blindly with a hoof, knocking over a bucket that rolled next to the wall on its side.

I swiped the broom and used its handle to ruffle the leaves of a nearby fern. But I wasn't watching the fern, my head was swiveling down the hallway and watching for movement. I saw nothing.

Another few steps forward, enough to reach another plant, I rustled this one too.

I might have seen a leaf twitch a few plants down, but it may have been the wind.

Interesting.

I politely whacked a few more plants before making an exasperated sound and returning to the cleaning materials pile.

I replaced the broom, and with a little kick I flipped the bucket over the rest of the way upside down, then promptly sat upon it.

The frenzied scratching sounds of a caught opossum greeted my ears, another correct guess for me. I was on a roll, lately.

Gotcha.

The little critter had tried to double back on me, wanting to slip back down toward the kitchen the way we came instead of making toward the outside garden. Clever, but today it wasn't enough.

I tapped the side of the pail gently.

"If I let you out, you'll promise not to do anything funny, right?"

Silence.

I could come back with a cage, you know.

Silence answered me again, then a solemn tap tap.

I lifted the bucket and beheld him, as I knew it was him now. A very healthy male, well fed and nicely groomed. How long had he been swiping from the kitchens before they called me here, I wondered.

I lifted him up and set him upon my back, his tale hooked loosely around my middle for support as his little claws dug in slightly.

Fugitive in custody, I made my way casually for the exit. The castle aid blanched at seeing the opossum not in a cage of any kind.

"That's the one!" He cried. "Vermin! Please take it away from here, filthy little thing!"

My new pal bristled, offended. I was about to speak up and assure him that we'll be out of the castle in a moment, but he cut me off.

"Out! Out at once, before it has a chance to scurry back inside!"

This guy really did not like opossum. Probably hated disorganization too. The sounds of children playing. Discounts at stores. Who knew for sure.

I started to tone out his blathering, turning for the great doors back to the courtyard with my cart, but the furry little fiend gave my mane a tug tug.

I know, little guy, try not to take it personally. I'll have you in a much friendlier place in no time.

But he persisted, another tug tug on my mane, harder this time. It was by now I realized that the air had gone deathly quiet, and the rodent on my back was almost jumping up and down excitedly.

Even the aid was completely silent.

All of my instincts screamed to run, jump to the side, duck, flee however I could. The fur on my neck prickled, pins and needles alight down my spine.

I was, in that moment, terrified. What could be a danger to me in the middle of a fortified castle?

I slowly turned my head to look behind me.

That is when I met, face to irate face, with the regent of the night. Princess Luna.

Author's Note

Hello,

Yes this is bug.

No I won't apologize for taking so long, but also THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.

I had this done like 2 months ago, then got stuck during final edits.

I know I say this every time, but I hope to have the next chapter out sometime in the next few months.

Please attach any questions with a donation of love, in cash, and I'll try to get back to you within a few business years.

Chapter 5: When Pigs Fly

Like I said, I should have known there was a catch. This was my closest run-in with Equestrian royalty to date, and my first real experience with the other of the two sisters.

Not the best first meeting, so far, judging by the scowl splitting her face.

"What are you doing?"

It sounded like a question, but felt like a command. Her words were cut like a block of marble, if it was practical to make marble into a sharpened blade.

Her long legs were stiff, ramrod straight. If that wasn't enough to set me on edge, her neck was bent so that her face was level with mine. Now that, from my standpoint, was terrifying.

Not because of the whole "Nightmare Moon" thing, or because she was ugly, or anything of the sort.

But because her entire posture communicated severe consequences very clearly.

When a pony is facing someone down, they usually hold their head high, slightly inclined. Proud, but cautious, protecting one's face and neck by holding it back.

Their legs are usually bent slightly, prepared to run or step or dodge. Fight or flight.

Princess Luna, however, was doing neither. Her legs were straight, anticipating no fight or movement needed. Supreme confidence. Her head was brought straight into the danger zone, set front and center and open to attack.

Only a predator would posture themselves like this, facing down a creature so far below them that any move they made would be entirely inconsequential, practically harmless.

I was stuck to my spot, glued there by a mix of nerve, unease, and fear. And we both knew it.

I bowed my head slightly, mindful of our horns. "G-good morning, Princess Luna." Said the mouse to the lion.

"Tis morning indeed, my little pony. Did you hear me the first time, or must I trouble myself to repeat it?"

My back legs shook, confrontation is so much easier with a wild animal. Ponies are… complicated.

"Sorry, your highness! I uhh… I was called to help.. HElp with a pest problem! Sorry. That fellow…" I gestured to the celestial aide, "...sent for me to come and oust this opossum, as he was getting into things in the kitchen. I promise to have him out of your castle momentarily, I'll find him a good home out in the forest."

Instead of assuaging her concern, her frown deepened. The aide avoided all eye contact, standing off to the side at attention and visibly unhappy about the situation.

"Make cautiously your promises, lest you are unable to uphold them." The princess warned me.

I was missing something here, something important. If she wasn't unhappy about there being a critter in the palace, then what could she be upset about?

I felt tiny claws dig into my back and neck, reminding me of my fugitive passenger. He was surprisingly calm during this whole ordeal.

I had a working theory, but it sounded a bit outrageous in my head. Against my better judgment, I looked away from my lunar diarch and regarded the critter.

We gave each other an identically different meaningful look.

Well I'll be damned. Only one way to find out.

I gingerly took him off of my back and presented him to the Princess, like some kind of madmare.

He jumped at her and my heart sank like a just-too-heavy skipping stone.

She didn't flinch in the slightest

He hooked her horn with his claws, like a pull-up bar, and swung around to straddle her back and nuzzle her neck.

Either this opossum had a death wish, or…

"Unless, he's already home?" I hazard to ask.

She gives me an appraising look, her frown mostly disappearing, and flicks her head to face the aide.

"Leave us, Shoo, we shall deal with you later."

He looked all too happy to scamper off. Even the guards present ducked into other rooms.

Once alone, save for me, her shell shattered as she turned to nuzzle the critter, a happy noise bubbling up from her throat as her posture and body language instantly morphed.

It felt like the air in the room got significantly lighter, I found it easier to breathe.

"Oh Tiberius, I told you to come find me should they try that again. It's not like you to turn yourself in."

He squeaked something, pulled her mane, and pointed at me.

"What?"

Her attention returned to me, along with that analyzing gaze.

"I uhh.." I fumbled, damn my nervous mouth, "I caught him, actually."

"You caught him? But.. I see no cage, no rope or net."

"Mop bucket. I tricked him into using it to hide, then flipped it on him."

"Truly?"

I nodded, anxious about the punishment for trapping the royal pet.

"Brava, then, my little pony. You have managed what few others have. He's a wiley one." She paused to regard me again, I was starting to feel like an exam paper, examined closely by a professor or TA.

"What is your name, clever one?"

"Keen Eye, your highness. Canterlot Animal Control."

"I do not recognize you. Have you been to the palace previously?"

"This is only my second call to the palace. The first was for the wild-cat situation a little while ago."

"I recall reading the reports. Well done with that as well. I dueled lions in my youth, I know how ferocious a big cat can be."

Despite my unease, I found myself leaning forward slightly. Now THAT was a story I'd like to hear. Unfortunately, she did not see fit to expand on it more. I nodded my head simply in acknowledgement.

"This is not the first time that somepony has been summoned to rid the castle of my dear Tiberius, and I fear it shan't be the last."

The princess sighed, her mane seemed to flow less brilliantly, drooping at the edges. Her facade was restored in a blink.

"Regardless, you did your job and did it well. Your fees shall be paid in full, even though your task could not be completed."

"Not necessarily, your highness. My mission statement is finding a good home for the animals I handle. I came here to catch a opossum and get him to a good home. I did that."

There's a twinkle of something in her eyes as she grins, nodding her head emphatically. The critter, Tiberius, boggles up and down on her neck, uneasy with the motion.

"Truly, your actions carry you as an adept of your field, and your words ring with care. Should we meet again, I'd be delighted to speak further over tea or coffee."

The odds of me taking her up on that offer were slim enough to make Fleur de Lis jealous, but I wouldn't dare reply lest my tongue betray me. I bow my head lightly in appreciation.

"Fare thee well, my little pony."

And with that I took my leave, happy to be out of the palace once more.

The aide reappeared while I was hitching up to my cart.

"Miss Keen Eye, might I have a quick word with you?"

Seemed innocent enough, and the visitors back at my place weren't going anywhere soon.

"You now know why your involvement was rather rushed, I was hoping you would have been able to exit with it before her highness got involved.

The palace is no place for Vermin, and I cannot fathom why her Lunar Highness has chosen that to be her royal pet."

I'd heard this tone before, this speech. It was always the same, despite who said it, and it was always exhausting to listen to.

"You said you want to find it a good home, is that accurate?"

I nodded.

"Splendid. You should know as well as I do that it belongs in the forest or plains or wherever it comes from. Not here. If I have the guards fetch you again, will you do your best to apprehend it and find it a good home?"

I thought for a few seconds, tapping my chin with a hoof. If it wasn't me, he'd find someone else. I was far from the first pony he's brought in for this job.

Maybe I'll be able to convince the princess to let me rehome him. But.. after my little line in there, I doubt she'd be easily swayed. And they go together so well…

"Please, you at least left in good standing with her highness. I'll even provide additional compensation for your services due to the… high profile."

An idea struck me like a pony-sized cake. It was a little bit devious, and I can't say I'd be especially proud of it.

But hey, who's gonna stop me.

"Alright. Should you summon me again, I shall do my best to capture the opossum and get him to a great home, should I not be intercepted by Princess Luna first. I give you my word."

He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. He bid me good day and undoubtedly returned to his cave in the mountainside to plot about how to defeat the power ponies.

The return to my home was uneventful, and the trespassers were tight lipped. Undoubtedly overzealous fans, embarrassed at being caught red-handed. I had the guard escort them out and away from the area.

I doubt that they would get more than a stern talking to before being sent on their way. As long as they gained the sense to not try that a second time, I couldn’t care further.

It only took a week before my daily schedule was interrupted again. I was nearly hock-deep under someone’s porch, trying to coax several rabbits out from the confined space. No place to raise a family.

It took a few carrot slices and letting them sniff my hoof a bunch, but they eventually trusted me enough to come into my grasp and allow themselves to be gently dragged out.

I sat for a moment, hooves full of bunny and covered in dust, letting my eyes readjust to the daylight. A startled shriek drew my eyes to the top of the porch, where the homeowner and her two foals were rushing inside in a frenzy.

Really? They are rabbits, not timberwolves.

I opened my mouth to call out to them, but found that my voice was missing. The sunlight shining on my back dimmed, and I saw a large shadow overtaking the area around me.

The sounds of Canterlot faded and the colors of the world grew warped.

The rabbits in my hold shivered and fretted, teeth gnashing and chittering.

If there is another Princess behind me, so help me Celestia…

I shifted and turned where I sat, looking to the source of all this. I looked right into a pair of glowing red eyes.

“Hello, my little pony~”

I felt my shoulders involuntarily slump and any tension left my body. The perfect expression of annoyed indifference dripped down my face. My voice returns without an issue.

“Oh, hello Mr. Discord.”

With a snap, the world returned to its usual vibrance and clarity. The bunnies, once getting a whiff of the lord of chaos, relaxed and all but ignored him. He probably smelled like Fluttershy.

“‘Oh hello’? That’s the greeting I receive? But Miss Eye, I thought we were such good friends!”

“Being a friend of a friend does not make us also friends.”

“Always so serious, miss stick in the mud. Honestly, I’m glad Fluttershy has the whole ‘element of harmony’ thing to get her away from her animals once in a while. But you, you only have this! It’s a little sad, to be Frank. And I hate being called Frank.”

“So you say every time you choose to visit me.”

Our relationship is… about the same as everyone’s relationship with Discord, aside from Fluttershy.

He gets a flight of fancy to visit and harass in creative and unhelpful ways, making a right mess, then just snaps his little claws and cleans it all up. Then he smiles, like he did you a favor by cleaning up his own mess.

When we first met, he was following Fluttershy around. They were making idle chatter as he also kept a running commentary on their day. He was curious about me for a whole five seconds while she checked up on a sick hyena, who has since been returned to the wild.

Our next encounter, he was doing errands for our mutual friend, and had come to inform me that she would need to postpone the next visit for one reason or another, and couldn’t send a bird out to deliver the message instead.

That time, he stayed for an hour or two, pestering me and picking at my brain. Not literally, but I bet he considered doing it for a gag trick.

It was mutually agreed, mostly, that I tolerated him and he wouldn’t cause too much trouble for me or else Fluttershy would give him an earful.

So he added me to his rotation of ponies that he ‘visits’ when the feeling suits him, ones that do not run and scream or attack him on sight.

He once made a raincloud hover over me and shower me with water every hour on the hour for three days. His reasoning? He said that I smelled like I worked with animals, and didn't bathe enough to compensate.

A damp letter to Fluttershy had the cloud removed, but it took another day before my bed was dry enough to sleep in again.

“And every time I visit, I‘m reminded of what Fluttershy could be like if she revoked her pony social life. But don’t get your hopes up, this isn’t a personal visit. I’m not here to be your fairy goatmother and sweep you off to meet others and better yourself.”

“Oh darn.”

“No, I’m here because, contrary to your usual character, you did something interesting for once.”

My eyebrow raised, if he was looking to get some gossip about the palace goings-on, he’d be dissapointed.

“Before you say anything, I know that wrangling deadly predators isn’t exactly a normal pony activity, but you make it sooo boring. It’s such a drag when I know you’ll always come out on top, no fun betting on a rigged match.

No, I’m talking about your recent deal.”

A felt a chill run up my spine, and it was difficult keeping any reaction from showing on my face. But Discord was better at reading ponies than most.

I stood up and carried the bunnies to my cart, setting them in a small box with some padding.

I needn’t ask him to explain further, I know he will. He never lets a topic drop until he’s squeezed out what he wants from it.

“Oh yes, I know about your little deal. Those of us who have been on the wrong side of a story tend to keep in contact a bit, and a fellow mishmash mentioned in passing about meeting the most peculiar pony when reuniting with his minions.

One who really had a way with cats.”

My trot back to my building quickened, brisk and nearly hurried. Discord, ignoring any social cues to bugger off, gracefully slithered through the air beside and above me.

“So I decided to investigate. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered the pony was actually you, and you are dreadfully boring, so I was going to leave it at that.

But then I got an idea.”

He stopped me as I was unhitching, poking me on the nose.

“Are you willing to watch over other pets?”

I took a deep breath, gathering my patience for what will almost certainly be a terrible idea.

“It depends on several factors. Who and what?”

“Me, of course! And my favorite flying pig.”

His what?

“Your what?”

Discord regarded me as if we were talking about a perfectly normal thing.

“My flying pig, Brabazon. I usually keep him in my back pocket, but it’s terribly cramped in there.”

I briefly pondered where Discord would have a pocket, but threw out the line of thinking when I remembered that it’s Discord, so he can make a pocket wherever he pleases.

“Does he eat anything strange?”

“Define strange.”

“Anything a pig wouldn’t normally eat.”

“Pigs can eat nearly anything.”

“Forget I asked. Any medical issues?”

“He’s lactose intolerant.”

“Does he sleep at normal hours?”

"Mostly. Has a habit of grabbing midnight snacks, though."

"And un-pig-like behavior other than the flying?"

"Is sass pig-like?"

"Very."

"Then no."

"Is he well-behaved?"

"Relative to me, yes."

I took a moment, letting the situation settle in my thoughts. It wouldn't be that hard, and it'd keep me in the chaos creature's good graces.

"I'm considering it…"

"Compensation?"

"I don't really feel comfortable accepting money for this kind of thing."

"Do you want a wish?"

"Monkey's paw rules?"

"Perhaps…"

"Pass."

"Hmm."

He wrapped himself in thought, it was actually amazing to see him have to really think about something.

"As I said before, no compensation. Your "friend" leaves it without my consent."

"I'm not sure… I'm trying to do the good pony thing and capitalism and trading and bartering and whatnot."

He was really having trouble letting this go.

"Look at it this way, we are.." I choked on the words a little. "We are friends, right? Friends do nice things for each other, without asking for payment in return."

He looked at me like I grew two other heads, which, I might have if he willed it hard enough.

"I have a better idea!"

A weight settled in my gut.

"Our mutual friend, he’s not the only one who may have use of your services. So I’m going to go ahead and spread your name around, no need to thank me! What else are friends for?”

He shook my hoof vigorously and vanished before I could protest. On the ground beneath where he last was now sits a pig. A pig with wings.

Brabazon, I presume?

He oink'd, waggling his pink nose at me and smiling, as much as a pig can smile.

Splendid. No backing out now.

I showed him and the rabbits inside and got them settled, trying not to let my mind wander about what or who my next visitor could be.

Author's Note

Hello again,

Yes this is still bug.

Please try not to get spoiled, I can't promise that other updates going forward will happen this quickly. It was a really good mixing of vibes and life events.

As always, I hope to have the next chapter out sometime in the next few months.

Please attach any questions with a donation of love, in cash, and I'll try to get back to you within a few business years.

Bonus points to whomever gets the reference Discord made and let's me know in the comments.

Chapter 7: Born Unlucky

On one hand, I feel like I should have noticed something strange or sensed the danger before I was hit with whatever spell or drug they used to knock me out.

I am starting to feel tingles in the bottom of my hooves, which is a welcomed improvement over not being able to feel anything or move my body at all.

On the other hand, how was I supposed to be prepared to be kidnapped by changelings in the doorway to my own place?

Well, kidnapped is probably the wrong word for it. Hostage, maybe? The situation feels odd because I am still very much in my own place. In fact, by the look of the rubble against the wall, I'd hazard that they cleared out the wrecked room in my building for me.

That piece of bent metal over there, for example, looks like it might have once been desk-shaped before the ceiling collapsed on it.

The tingling in my hooves has now stretched itself up my legs towards shoulders, I can flex a little but it's very numb.

The ceiling, from what I can see without turning my head, has been patched over with some kind of green substance.

Besides that, I only have one other piece of evidence that points to changeling. The smell.

The ichor, slime, whatever they use has a distinctive odor. I've only had the displeasure of getting a whiff once, during their whole city-smashing invasion thing.

As my faculties return to me, my increasing movement prompts noises from behind me. The occasional clip of a hoof or buzz of a wing itch past my ears.

Not to be rude, but these bugs have to be desperate or stupid. I'm not exactly full of affection and love for other ponies right now, I don't have a dating life currently. I don't have much money, even. I can't think of a single good reason that I'd be targeted.

Well, unless they can feed off the care I show for my animals.

Broadening my theories, they may be keeping me here so a changeling could infiltrate the palace in disguise. It seems likely, given my recent trips up the hill.

But if that was the case, why wasn't I unconscious in one of their goop pods or something?

Something wasn't adding up. Thankfully, I had enough muscle reflex to sit up and turn around on my cot, which seems to have been moved in here from my sleeping office.

I'm greeted by the glowing blue eyes of several changeling, fanning out in a line on either side of a much... much larger figure.

Caustic green eyes pierce through the darkness. The cat-like slits analyze me unblinking.

They're deeply unsettling, I feel like they're trying to probe my thoughts through my gaze. But I stare back, doing my best to halt my own blinking.

Having never interacted directly with changelings before, I have no idea what body language to look for. I'm going into this blind and I hate it.

Should I bow, show deference to the obvious predator in the room? Or should I hold my ground, bidding for a strange kind of respect.

My eyes started to burn, I couldn't stop myself from blinking involuntarily to ease them.

In that split second falter, the queen leapt out from the shadows and stopped her face inches from my own.

I sucked in, quietly gasping, but did not flinch. Celestia, how I wanted to flinch.

We held that position for several terrifying seconds.

Finally, the moment broke. It seemed like the room remembered to breathe. Her eyes dimmed and lost their glow, her features softened imperceptibly, and she withdrew her face from the close proximity.

I did my best to control my breathing, but the fur on the back of my neck refused to settle down. My shoulders itched and my legs begged to fidget.

She stood up to her full height, practically towering over me. She was a stark contrast to Princess Celestia. Cold, calculating, imposing.

But.. I couldn't help but feel like it was manufactured. As pulse-pounding as that moment felt, there was no fire in her eyes, no passion.

Was she… was she putting on an act? I mean, they are changeling, they're probably masters at this kind of manipulation.

The feeling put me at ease, to a degree. I decided to play along, keeping the facade of a petrified mare. For one reason or another, the changing queen had my full attention.

"Hello, my little pony,” she greeted. Her voice was a stunning dulcet of tones, as if she had two sets of vocal chords strumming at the same time at slightly different pitch. Though she used Princess Celestia’s signature greeting, it felt anything but friendly or inviting.

I wracked my brain for her name, but came up blank. I had to address her as something, as asking her would likely not elicit a good reaction. The theatrics, the stage presence, it all spoke of someone who was used to being known widely.

“Good day, Miss Changeling Queen.” I ventured, scanning her face for signs of any faux pas. An eyebrow twitched and one of the drones glanced up at her warily.

She took it in stride, thankfully. “I see that my reputation precedes me, even as your memory fails you. I am Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings! You may bow before me in reverence or in fear, I don’t have a preference.” She purred venomously, her sharp teeth glowing in the dim light.

Dim light that I now notice isn't from the sunlight outside, rather, from my old lantern that was stuck to the ceiling haphazardly. Pieces start to fall in place in my head, but I can’t figure a clear picture of why she’s here yet. The use of an abandoned room and salvaging my own old light source screams a lack of planning.

There was very little preparation, no secure location or secret lair, they nabbed me while I was in the presence of a royal guard. It’s like the queen is making it up as she goes, using whatever resource she happens to come across and seizing even the less ideal opportunities that arise.

Arrogance, or desperation? They were defeated, after all.

“I apologize. I would, Queen Chrysalis, but my legs are still too numb to hold my weight.”

With an indignant huff she flicks her horn, unsettling green magic ebbs away from me like a siphon. I felt muscle control quickly return to me, and I wasted no time in using it to slip into a low bow once off my cot.

Instead of rising out of the bow, I transitioned back to sitting on the cot as smoothly as I could, trying not to relay my fear to the queen. Appeased by the show of deference, she begins doing the most stereotypical villain thing I can imagine. She starts monologuing.

Her voice is captivating and her eyes want to draw me into them, but I find myself nearly tuning her out. My mind is still racing about her reasons for being here. As she retells of the wedding invasion from her own twisted perspective, I put my mind to breaking down her character. What are her goals?

Well the changelings are certainly insect-like creatures, and they seem to have a hive-like mentality. One queen and all are under her. Whether or not she has any actual control over them is moot. That and their use of slime reminds me of honey bees.

If that’s a fair comparison, she may have similar instinctive goals. Grow the hive, make more drones, expand their territory, consume food, repeat.

Given that changelings can disguise as basically anything, as far as I know, they should be able to do all of that without revealing their existence to the world.

Drastic actions, like invading a city during the wedding of royalty, speak of troubles meeting her core goals. Famine, maybe? If her people were starving, she'd be driven to find a way to sate them. Feeding off of the princess of love, her husband, and an entire city of ponies would certainly be an appealing outcome.

Which would mean that the invasion wasn't meant maliciously, it was out of necessity. Fear may be a tactic she utilizes often, but it's more a means to an end. It works.

If I'm right, she's more morally grey than evil, and I don't have anything to fear from her. But that's a big gamble. And how is capturing me helping to accomplish her goals? I need more information.

I tune back in to her rant and wait for her to finish. The tirade didn't leave her winded, or at least she didn't show it.

"And so that brings me to you." She says, standing up to her full height again. "We've been watching you, listening, learning."

Taking long languid steps, the monarch begins to circle me.

"We know who you are. We know what you do. And we know about your secret little life behind it all. You're quite clever, my little pony, I must admit.

“You are either expertly fooling your Princess Celestia, or working for her. My sources tell me that you've been undertaking some shady business as of late."

"Was it Discord?" She almost stumbled as I asked bluntly.

"What? That heel? Preposterous! Even had I trusted a single word that came from his mouth, I'd never…"

I raised a single eyebrow, meeting her eyes. She squinted at me, annoyed, but yet she then huffed and relented.

"Yes yes fine, Discord found me and told me about your little deal with him. And with the cat-beast. I looked into you on a whim, and your trips to the palace further piqued my interest."

Her calculated and controlled demeanor returned. "While his ability to locate me is troublesome, he may have told the truth about you. You are quite odd, and you don't taste just right."

Well that wasn't something I was expecting to hear. I don't… taste right?

I must look queasy, because she waves away my concerns with a hoof.

"Nothing like that, I assure you. We feed off emotions, as you may know. They have tastes and textures."

"And I taste strange?"

She pursed her lips, continuing carefully. "Yes and no. You have pony emotions, certainly, but they taste different. It's subtle."

She dismisses the conversation with a turn of her head as she resumes her slow laps around me. And yet the atmosphere is completely different from when we began. I am not afraid, and she's putting much less effort into intimidation.

"Regardless, you may be of some use to me if I can trust you. Tell me…" She came to a stop facing me head-on, not quite at her full height anymore. "...what is the nature of your visits to the palace?"

"Animal Control. They seem to have a situation with opossums, I was hired to assist."

Her expression hardens, "That may be true, but that does not explain your appointment with Celestia herself. Explain."

Ah. Right. That happened. Literally right before I got here. Almost forgot that.

"That… was actually in regards to a job she wanted me to do for her."

Queen Chrysalis's expression did not change, I assumed I was to continue until she's satisfied with my answer.

"The phoenix nesting season is happening soon. She wants me to take a solo expedition to their nesting grounds and oversee the duration. I would be studying them as well as offering support if possible."

The Queen's eyes seem to glaze over slightly as she lost interest.

"How droll. So she knows nothing of your recent dealings with the less desirables of society?"

"I have not told her anything, you have my word."

For the first time Chrysalis looks apprehensive, nervous even. She glances around warily, then raises one of her hole-filled legs to her face. I almost gasped as a circular section of her leg faded to a blue-ish green color.

Then the spot seemed to shift and separate itself from her. It all makes sense now. Out of the previously hidden hole in her leg comes a chameleon, lazily latching onto her horn as she puts her leg down. It must have disguised itself as her leg, sitting snugly in the little crevice. It was fascinating.

Chrysalis transfers the critter to her hoof and hesitantly holds it out to me.

I take it gently and it wastes no time to crawl into my mane and hug the base of my horn. I tense my neck muscles, coping with the extra weight on my head.

Chrysalis watches for a moment, then nods as some of the tension flows out of her. That seems like genuine concern, a deviant behavior for a creature outside of her hive group.

"That is… mine. I found it and it is mine. You will protect it."

It all makes so much sense now. She's not up to anything nefarious, at least in regards to me. Astoundingly, she's just another pet owner on the wrong side of the law.

How in the world did I get into all this?

I realize I'd been silent for a moment too long, she's regarding me evasively.

"I accept this responsibility, but with some conditions."

Indignantly, she responds "Conditions? You make demands of a queen?? How dare you!"

"Discord paid." I deliver simply. She glares silently. "It was in his own special way, but he paid. Ahuizotl paid as well, in a similar fashion. There are conditions to my services."

She growls but does not argue further. A glance at the denizen of my mane softens her mood. "Name them."

Why can't I ever just ask for more time to think about this, come up with a solid agreement? I got to draft an actual contract with Ahuizotl, but I've been forced to think on the fly with Discord and now Chrysalis.

Not having these agreements in writing irks me on a deep level, but I do my best to ignore the feeling.

"First, you leave my facility, animals, and I out of any future plans or actions."

Her head dips slightly, as if she's cowed by my demand. She glances up to the previously ruined ceiling and winces.

While I could claim one of her changelings did it, I've never been one for lying.

"That wasn't one of yours, it is an old building and like that before…" That slime seems to be holding pretty well so far. I wonder if any of her drones has experience as a construction worker.

"Second. You have to come and visit regularly, or else I'll be forced to give him up for adoption, probably in Manehattan."

She looks like she wants to argue, but bites her tongue and nods solemnly.

"And third, when you do visit or you need to discuss something, please be civil. I'm not your enemy, and I don't like being drugged or poisoned or whatever you did."

I thought it was reasonable, but the look on her face communicates that she feels otherwise. A third nod is sent my way.

I reach out a hoof for her to shake, already making up a route to the nearest pet store in my head. I can't for the life of me remember what chameleons eat.

"Then do we have a deal?"

She glares at my hoof as if it will burst into flames at any moment. She hesitantly extends her own and we shake on it, thankfully no flames erupt from the contact.

A few minutes later, we stand in comfortable silence as her changelings clear the rubble blocking the doorway.

One of them not working starts to chitter and pester her, nudging and tugging at the Queen's leg.

She issues some terse words in a language I am not familiar with, but it is undeterred.

With a roll of her eyes, she clears her throat to gain my attention.

"This one wishes to thank you for your compliment. It worked very hard on its disguise and it… appreciated your appreciation."

I choked my head to the side quizzically. Disguise? Compliment?

The drone itself spoke up toward me, gaining an ireful glance by the queen. "Did you mean what you said? That I was a beautiful specimen?" It's voice was similar to Chrysalis's, having that otherworldly quality but lacking the dulcet tones.

I nodded mutely. Was it disguised as the stick bug? That's frightfully clever, being hidden in plain sight taken to a whole new level.

"What is it you called me?"

"Oh uh.. a phasmid. That's the official term."

"I like that! Phasmid." It turns to its queen excitedly. "Can that be my name? I want to be called Phasmid."

"A name? But you have a name. It's a perfectly good name!" she argues, exasperated.

Oh my Celestia, they sounded like a mother arguing with her child. Maybe they are more like bees than I thought.

I leave them to their idle bickering, my mind elsewhere.

Another deal struck, another mile deeper into this rabbit hole I've stumbled into. So far I've encountered the White Rabbit, the Cheshire cat, and now the Queen of Hearts.

I just hope whoever comes next at least waits until I'm back from my phoenix expedition to make an appearance.

Author's Note

Hello,

Despite everything, this is still bug.

Here to bring you another chapter about a poor minimum wage worker who's thrust into doing things well above their pay grade for reasons they don't understand.

She's doing her best, and I'm proud of her for it.

I am also doing my best, and I hope to keep translating this story from head to paper in a regular rhythm.

As always, please attach any questions with a donation of love, in cash, and I'll try to get back to you within a few business years.

Good news to round this out, I didn't make any more cookies but I have some leftover from Turkeyday! They're not too stale yet, probably.

Chapter 6: Sisyphus Trips

I lived in apprehension for about a week before the repercussions of Discord’s latest actions reared their head. And in normal Discord fashion, they came on the wings of something completely unrelated.

I was scrubbing pig footprints off of the wall, already drafting my reprimand to the owner’s careless disuse of the doormat, when I was interrupted again by the gruff clearing of a throat. How these guards kept managing to sneak up on me was an enigma.

We traded words and letters and they left, leaving me with a letter stamped with the seal of the Princess Diarch of the Sun. I had just been officially invited to have tea with Princess Celestia.

While it was technically an invitation and not a summons, you would be hard pressed to find any single pony in Equestria who would decline it. I didn’t even consider turning it down, despite not being much of a tea drinker, and immediately sent my RSVP back with the guard who delivered it.

I had a date with royalty for the coming afternoon. With my morning duties, I should have just enough time to get a shower before leaving to attend.

I really should know better than to schedule things that closely, leaving no leeway time.

I finished my morning chores a bit faster than usual, but discovered upon turning on the shower that I had forgotten to pay my water bill. Luckily, the back animal yard had a small pond. I may not have been able to use soap, but I did my best to scrub off the surface dirt. I combed my mane as it dried while walking toward the palace. I just hoped the Princess wouldn’t get close enough to smell me…

Once again, I find myself in the palace and uncomfortable in more ways than one. The sitting room I was directed to was everything you'd expect from royalty: shiny tea set atop of crystal table, immaculately clean and nearly dust-free room, velvety carpet.

The arrangement of the furniture, the color of the walls, the entire disposition of the room was designed to put its occupants at ease. It was a room made to enjoy tea.

Naturally, the entire atmosphere set me on edge. It was all so manufactured, unnatural, bright. Hopefully this "tea" was just to discuss my recent interaction with the lunar diarch, or maybe talk about the tiger incident?

Had Fluttershy snitched on me to the Princess?

No, she wasn't the type. I'm actually unsure she'd be able to talk to the Princess without fainting.

Then again, there was that… stare… she gave me. Even thinking about it sends chills down my spine. My still slightly damp tail swishes anxiously against the back of my chair.

Without warning, an aid sweeps into the room and announces the arrival of Princess Celestia, then buggers off the moment she's through the door.

I stood respectfully and gave a bow as she entered, not raising my gaze until I heard her snicker at me.

My head shoots up, catching her stifling her mirth behind a hoof.

"You bow to me, and yet had the nerve to stand eye-to-eye with my sister?" She asks, eyes twinkling.

I stammer and fumble my words. I hadn't even considered bowing to Princess Luna when she confronted me. Had I offended her??

The princess waves away my worrying thoughts with a hoof, smiling gracefully down at me.

"Think nothing of it, my little pony. It was a special circumstance, from what I've heard."

She does not take a seat, instead gesturing for me to follow her across the room. She fiddles with a candle sconce on the wall and a hidden doorway opens.

Uncaring of the dumbstruck look on my face, she disappears through it. I hastily give chase. A short ways down a narrow passage she opens another door, leading us into a vastly different tea room.

This one is covered in darker shades, warmer and cozier. The furniture is old wood, warping from age but in a way that made them look fascinatingly alien. The carpet is plush and comfortable under-hoof.

We take seats on either side of a small table, on which sits a beat up old teapot. It looks like something my grandmother would use, or her grandmother.

The seats are worn in from use, perfectly giving way for maximum comfort than new furniture just can't match.

"Sorry about the change…" She breaks me from my thoughts. "... I had a feeling this would be more comfortable for us, and it's been ages since I've been able to use the Sunset Room."

Now that she mentions it, I do see several sun and sunset motifs around the room, on decorations or furniture. The colors of the room lend to this as well, the colors of the day tampered by the encroaching horizon, not too bright but not too dark.

"Thank you, Princess, this does feel much better."

She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. She's looking at me, but also not. It's like she is looking past me.

Like a hummingbird, the shadow behind her eyes is gone in an instant and the ever present mischievous twinkle is restored.

"Do you drink tea, Miss Keen Eye?"

I shake my head. "No, your majesty, I never got into it much. But please, feel free to make some for yourself."

She needed no further invitation, setting the bottom of the pot alight with magic and heating the insides. Hot leaf water.

We made small talk, as ponies do. It was ok, I would say. We didn't know each other personally, so it was mostly recent news and the goings on of the palace.

After she'd had a few sips, the teacup came down and she cleared her throat.

"Now, you've probably been wondering why I invited you here, hmm?" At my affirming nod, she continued.

"As much as I do enjoy tea with a perfect stranger, I will admit there is some business for us to discuss."

Finally, the meat of the issue. I kept my features measured and schooled, giving away nothing beyond my poker face.

My control, however, was tested as she withdrew two folders from under the table, taking a moment to flip through their contents.

"These are your college records, and these are your jobs as reported on your taxes over the last few years." She said, holding each folder at a time. "I see that you did your final paper on phoenix, can you tell me about that?"

My unease was drowning in a sea of perplexion and curiosity. The words came smoothly, for once, I found it easy to recite bits of my presentation that I had memorized when presenting the paper.

Princess Celestia nodded and 'hmm'ed, raising an occasional question but mostly playing rather part of interested party, her eyes were focused on mine and her posture was leaning forward.

When I had finished with my best summary of the paper, she gave me a little clap and praised my work. I'm ashamed to say I blushed a little, I rarely got to flex my research muscles anymore and I was really proud of my paper.

"Well done, Miss Keen. I remember when you first presented your paper, and it's good to hear that your knowledge has not diminished since then."

"I.. beg pardon. You were there?"

She grinned widely, winking. "Indeed I was! I like to sit in on numerous presentations for students in my school, in disguise of course. It helps me keep a feel for who to watch as they go into the world and how my school is doing."

She continues.

"I recall attending yours because of the topic, which I too share a fascination with. As you may know, I have a phoenix companion in the palace here, Philomena. I've also spearheaded many movements and laws in order to protect them."

They were endangered, despite their near immortal lifespans and ability to combustibly reincarnate. When killed by an outside force or if their ashes are tampered with, it can prevent them from coming back.

"Your paper was splendid, very detailed. How did you do your research?"

I rubbed my leg nervously, avoiding her gaze. I hadn't exactly been very safe when doing my research, breaking more than one rule when going about it. Given that it was HER school, I was hesitant to reveal that.

Being so long lived must have given her incredible powers of reasoning and deduction. Either that or I really looked guilty of something sitting there.

"Ah, I see. How unfortunate."

Her voice is full of disappointment. Was she going to revoke my diploma for this?? Could she do that?? I'm certain that I am far from the first student to break the rules at that school, especially for the final paper. I didn't even say anything yet!

"It's quite apparent, you plagiarized existing texts to make your paper, disguising it as your own work."

The accusation struck me in my pride, the resulting sparks starting a fire in my chest. I jumped up, outraged, and stomped my hoof down.

"I did NOT steal ANYTHING!" I declared, nearly shouting. I'd go down in a blaze rather than take a fall for something as dishonest and despicable as plagiarism.

"I missed other classes, nearly failing a few of them, for almost two months as I hitchhiked out to the edge of the dragon lands and observed them in person. I risked my tail, avoiding adolescent dragons and trying not to get burned by the very phoenix I was studying as they tried to drive me off. Every bit of my research was earned with each burn and aching hoof."

I was digging myself a hole and filling it with water, we were told putting oneself in life-threatening situations was grounds for punishment or expulsion.

"I didn't tell anyone I was there." Rule broken.

"I went alone!" Another rule broken.

"I was in constant danger for weeks." At this rate I might get a record in the college's hall of infamy.

"I wrote every word. Plagiarism is for those not brave enough to take the risk."

I was panting as I ended my fiery defense, fully expecting the princess to be full of anger.

Instead, I'm met with a cool smile, almost hidden behind a teacup, and a knowing glint in her eyes.

It dawned on me right then that she had played me, played my pride like a fiddle. She pushed the right button, knowing the answer, but needing me to admit it directly.

I couldn't believe I'd fallen for it so easily. To my credit, thousands of years of experience has likely given her mastery over games such as this.

I made a note to myself about this Princess, to never be in opposition of her in a battle of wits. By comparison to her, I would be unarmed.

This must be what some of the animals felt like when I got the better of them.

When it was clear that I was finished, she set down her tea and lightly clapped her hooves together.

"That is exactly what I was hoping to hear!"

I stood there dumbfounded.

"Thank you, Miss Keen, for confirming my thoughts for me. Please sit down, be at ease. You are in no trouble."

I held her eye, never breaking contact as I slowly sat down. The easy smile never left her face.

"To get to the point, Miss Keen, I did invite you here for a reason other than tea. I have a job offer for you."

Have you ever laid in your bed and just stared up at your ceiling for a short eon? They're such odd things, when you think about them. Ceilings. Roofs. Always right above your head when you're indoors, but folks rarely pay them any mind. Unless there's art or a fancy chandelier or something, there's no good reason to look at the ceiling normally.

Speaking of, being "indoors" is treated synonymously with "having a roof over your head", despite them being very different concepts.

Being indoors implies there is a door separating you from the rest of the world, accompanied by walls. No mention of a roof. I imagine, in ancient times, it would refer to being outside the walls of a primitive community, open to attack by predators.

Having a roof implies protection from the elements: shade from the sun, protection from the rain, and so forth. I suppose it can also imply the presence of walls as well, but pavilions exist!

These are things you might think about when staring at your ceiling. However, as I stare at the ceiling now, all I can think of is how it never changes. Barring a catastrophic event or some home remodeling, the ceiling is always there doing its infinite duty.

I remember when my life was more like a ceiling. It was predictable. It was unsurprising. Flat and unchanging.

Turbulence is now the flavor of my life, so it seems. I can't even return to my home in peace after my talk with the princess without something throwing another wrench onto the growing pile.

It was late after our chat was finished. I was being escorted back home by two Day Guards, their last duties before the shift changes at sunset.

I remember stopping for a moment at a tree just up the block from me. A bit of movement caught my eye, a branch moving unnaturally.

Upon closer inspection, it was a little critter masquerading as a twig. As I prodded it, it stood up and started to wiggle and dance. Its body was intriguing, made to look exactly like a jutting part of the branch.

"Is everything alright, miss?" One of my escorts inquired.

"Phasmatidae." I replied. His bewildered look at the dancing critter prompted me to clarify. "Phasmid. Stick bug."

"How did you know that?"

"Beginner Entomology class in college."

Sufficient explanation given, he lost interest and turned away. I gave the insect a nod, called it a beautiful specimen, and continued home.

Once through the door, I found the guards collapsing as I turned to bid them goodnight. They were unconscious before they hit the ground.

I didn't even have a moment to consider how odd that was, didn't get to panic. Feelings of serene calm and sleepy ease washed over me, drowning out the voice in my head yelling that fainting wasn't normal behavior.

My vision started to get fuzzy and blurry around the edges, and the street outside my door seemed to tilt dangerously to the left. My last thought before my eyes closed for me was that I should probably tie down my wagon so it doesn't roll down the now sloped street.

Author's Note

Hello,

Yes this is bug.

I warned you not to get spoiled, and yet here I am putting out another short chapter within a few months.

Worry not, I hope to have the next chapter out sometime in the next few months.

Please attach any questions with a donation of love, in cash, and I'll try to get back to you within a few business years.

No offer of cookies today, I'm fresh out.