Tsunderes are not misunderstood; they are bimbos.
In Ponyville, a quaint little village smack-dab in the middle of the magical land of Equestria, there was a mighty tree. This tree differed from normal trees in that it was hollow, made out of crystal, and was a lavish home to a princess of Equestria.
This princess, and the five friends that she was closest to, had been summoned to a crystal table map in the castle's throne room. As the six ponies gathered in fascination, their wonder turned to consternation quicky.
“I was hoping for a friendship problem in some exotic locale,” Rarity pouted, seeing all six of their cutie marks circling above the town of Ponyville. “Not some problem at home.”
“Oh, relax, Rarity,” Fluttershy soothed. “They're still ponies all the same, no matter where they are.”
“I suppose you're right,” Rarity conceded.
“Ooh! Ooh! Whadda ya think the problem is about now, huh? Hey, Rainbow Dash, what do you think the friendship problem is?”
“How should I know, Pinkie?” Rainbow boredly said, letting out a yawn as she flapped lazily in the air. “We're going to find out when we get there.”
“Twi?” asked the final friend of Princess Twilight. “There ain't nothin’ serious about this here mission, ain't it?”
“What makes you think that, Applejack?” Twilight asked, sitting in her stone seat around the table.
“When all six of us get called by the map ta solve a friendship quest, it means sumthin’ serious. We ain't in...danger...are we?”
“I don't think so,” Twilight responded. “Or at least...I hope not.”
“Well, if it is something we should be scared of, we'll just bust its flank like we always do,” Rainbow piped up. “We got the magic of friendship on our side, remember?”
As they plodded along the streets of their hometown, the six girls kept a lookout for anything suspicious. Normally, this would be obvious. There were so many inexplicable things about Ponyville that would be considered abnormal in, say, Manehattan or Fillydelphia, but were normal here.
The twin spa sisters were sweeping a racoon out of the front window, for instance, when they passed the local spa. Sometimes they allowed the wild racoons in if they had the bits to afford it, but once in a blue moon, they couldn’t pay. Moving past a flower stand, the Mane Six noticed three mares passed out cold on the floor. This was normal; they had spotted a broken leaf on an expensive client’s bouquet. They’d be back in about fifteen minutes. A pile of broken furniture blocked their path next; Derpy Hooves had just dropped another armchair from the delivery chariot. Inching their way past, they then saw a panicked Doctor Hooves sprint across the dirt road, screaming something about wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey nonsense. Finally, coming to the local cafe, Carrot Top and Berry Punch were engaged in a carrot juice drinking contest.
“I don't see anything unusual,” Twilight said, confused. “How subtle does the map usually work?”
“Not very subtle at all,” Applejack replied, watching Berry Punch collapse unconscious from her chair, spelling carrot juice all over the table. “And man, Ah thought Berry Punch could hold more'n that.”
“Usually something grabs our attention,” Rarity helpfully offered. “Something out of the blue and unexpected.”
Just two tables down, a yellow stallion was sitting by himself, looking thoroughly exhausted. His sparse stubble was unshaven, and his curly black mane hung in front of his red, tired eyes. He slucked at a strawberry shake without much feeling or commitment at all.
A mare appeared and trotted over to him. Her two long pink locks bounced up and down over her fierce green eyes pulled in a sullen expression, and her strides were small; she was very short. In her mouth was a bag of cookies.
She set the bag on the table rather loudly, jolting the stallion. He blinked for a second or two.
“Hey, you idiot,” the mare addressed him. She reluctantly pushed the treats to him, staring hotly at the ground. “I was baking some cookies at home and I had some extra ones. So...here.”
The stallion smiled. “Hey, thanks! You're not usually this nice to me.”
“Don't get used to it, idiot,” the mare snapped, folding her arms. She gave a hmph and turned abruptly away. “You were just the first one I thought of when I finished baking.”
“Why would I be the first one you thought of?” the yellow stallion asked, peeking at the peanut butter cookies inside.
The mare blushed furiously, showing against her sand-colored body. “I-I don't know! It's not that I like you or anything...baka.”
The stallion was now confused. “I...didn't say anything about if I liked you or not.”
“Dgah?!” the mare comically exclaimed. She began to violently shake him. “Who said anything about liking you! You pervert!”
And she slapped him resoundingly across the cheek.
“What the-Okay, now I really don't want these anymore!” the stallion vehemently said. He thrust the bag at her. “Go on, take your cookies!”
“Ew! No!” She swept the cookies off the table. “You already touched it with your weird hooves! The bag is all dirty now! Bleaugh!”
“That’s both rude and doesn't make any sense!” the stallion fired back. He picked up his smoothie and stomped away.
“Hey! Who said you could go anywhere, you punk?!” the pink-haired mare shouted after him, waving her comically small hooves. “I hate you! Who do you think you are, huh?!” She picked up the nearest thing she could find, which was the metal chair he had been sitting on, and hurled it at the fleeing stallion. The chair collided and he went sprawling, and the shake he had was knocked out of his grasp and spilled all over the ground.
The stallion glared at her, who had on a triumphantly defiant smirk, crossing her hooves. “I really hope you do get out of my life, Frazzle Dazzle.” He stood up. “It’ll make both of us happier.”
Then he spat a rancid oath at the ground and galloped away.
The mare, watching him go, suddenly adopted a forlorn expression, drooping her ears and sticking out her bottom lip. She looked utterly pathetic, and slowly walked away.
The Mane Six saw everything.
“Um, girls?” Fluttershy whispered, trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. “I think that's our problem.”
Following her back home was no big deal. All they had to do was follow the sounds of an angry female talking loudly to herself about the stallion in the cafe, whose name was Sunflare Stargaze. Her tone was that of irritation, and involved the words “pervert” and “creep” among other, more colorful epithets.
The six girls, after tailing her, finally saw her enter into an old condo on the edges of town and shut the door. Oddly enough, she didn't lock it.
“Now's our chance!” Rainbow hissed. “Let's go and get this jerk!”
“No, wait!” Twilight hissed in response. “There are alternatives to fighting.”
“Tell that to her!” Rarity incredulously pointed at the condo.
“Should we throw her a party?” Pinkie Pie asked joyfully.
“If we did, she'd probably ruin it by popping the balloons and smashing the cake.”
“But Twilight-”
“Pinkie, this is a delicate case here. She's probably not going to take our little intrusion very well.”
“Oh, but she's probably going through some hard things,” Fluttershy pointed out. “Nopony is mean on purpose. Maybe she's just misunderstood.”
“Good point,” Pinkie said, slapping her on the back. “Plenty of ponies are just going through something hard. Like, your mind is so intrusive and overwhelming at times and you feel like you can't go on, and they ask how you are and you say that you're fine, only you're not really fine and so you just can't get into it-”
“Nothing can justify throwing a chair at somepony else,” Rarity interrupted.
“Unless they're Queen Chrysalis.”
“Unless they're Queen Chrysalis, of course, Rainbow. But, um, have you ever thrown a chair at her?”
Rainbow defiantly crossed her arms. “I certainly would like to!”
“Come on, girls,” Twilight said above them all, and each of them snapped to attention. “Let's get talking with her. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can get her to see reason.”
The six girls clustered around the entrance to the condo, and Fluttershy came forth and knocked three times.
“Come in!” sang the high voice. The girls all filed together as Fluttershy opened the door.
On the other side was the twin-tailed pony herself, changing her clothes in the middle of the living room. Upon seeing the six girls, she screamed, holding her clothes tight to her chest. “You pervert! What are you doing here-wait, who are you?”
Twilight gaped for half a second before shaking her head and pointing. “Why are you changing your clothes in the front room?”
“And why'd you say we could come in if you were in the middle of changing, anyway?” Rarity added.
“And why d'ya have ta make a big deal ‘bout changing? We don't normally wear clothes.”
The tsundere floundered for a few seconds before making an indignant noise and hurling the skimpy outfit into the next room. “Well, I was hoping Sunflare Stargaze would answer the door instead!”
“The pony you assaulted in the cafe?” Twilight drily asked.
“H-he's a friend of mine,” Frazzle Dazzle defended. “But I just don't like him.”
“Then how can you handle being friends with him?” Fluttershy piped up.
“Well, he-” she sputtered, then sulked angrily and flopped onto her couch, crossing her arms. “He's a big idiot! And a pervert! I don't like him! Not at all! Nuh-uh!”
Rarity blankly stared at her. “You've got a crush on the poor stallion, don't you?”
“N-NANI?!” she exclaimed, bouncing on the cushion so her long pink hair flew up. “Wh-what are you talking about?! I just said-”
“You just as much admitted that you've been falling for him. But, um, I don't think the way you're going about this is the right way.”
She merely pouted.
Rarity gently sat down right next to her.
Frazzle Dazzle made an incredulous choking noise and pushed Rarity off the couch. “B-baka! Baka! You'll get your germs all over my couch!”
Rarity inhaled through her nose, trying with her utmost patience not to erupt. Letting it out, she switched tack. “Darling, do you know who we are?”
“You're the Elements of Harmony,” Frazzle Dazzle boredly said. “You're known all across Equestria!”
Rarity approached the next logical connection. “Where did you come from?”
“Some suburban area with a lot of peach trees, cherry blossoms, and schools with dress codes and dramatic student bodies,” she negligently said. “Sunflare Starburst was my fillyhood neighbor. I kept a close eye on him. Someone with as good grades as he has is bound to be up to trouble! Like dating other girls!”
Applejack gave a painfully obvious glance to Rainbow Dash, who had a similar expression on her face. Pinkie was just silently bouncing in place on her hooves, listening to the ridiculous mare.
"Listen," Rarity said. "We can help you. I have plenty of relationship advice to offer for free, darling."
The tsundere rolled her eyes. "You mean all those stallions that you couldn't keep for more than a few hours? I bet your relationship advice must be amazing."
Rarity's face switched from pearly white to indignant scarlet like somepony had flipped a switch. Steam shot from her ears while a high hiss like a teapot about to boil over entered the girl's ears. "You know what? Fine! I was about to share some inspiring advice, but apparently you think otherwise!"
"No, wait," Rainbow whispered to Twilight. "She actually had a pretty good point."
"I am going to pretend I did not hear that, Rainbow Dash."
"You seem a bit confused," Fluttershy said tenderly to Frazzle Dazzle. "Love can be a very hard thing to figure out sometimes."
She only snorted. "Like you would ever know, huh? You should get some experience in that particular field before telling me what to do about it! Oh, but wait! You can't! So there!"
Fluttershy looked visibly hurt. Rainbow quickly escorted her aside with a wing, staring at Frazzle Dazzle with fury.
"See, this, right here, is what we're trying to say!" Applejack forcibly interjected. "If ya want ta win the guy's heart, be honest with yerself about what yer feelings! Ya don't...insult and berate 'im all the time! Since when has that ever worked out well?"
Frazzle looked down and shyly, innocently, tapped her hooves together. "Well, that's just how the high school relationships worked where I was growing up."
"What kind of messed up place is that?!" Rainbow demanded.
"I just don't like it when guys like me!" Frazzle Dazzle insisted, putting her hooves on her hips. "I'm the one that's supposed to like them!"
"But you just said you didn't like them," Twilight said.
"Well, that's what I want them to think! That way, they won't come near me. I'm the one that should make the moves on a guy. Not him!"
"'Making moves' as in throwing a chair at him?"
"He was being an idiot!"
"How was he being an idiot?"
"He was liking me too much!"
"Anyone would be an idiot for falling for her."
"What was that, Rarity?"
"Oh, nothing, darling. My goodness, I think I cracked a hoof!"
"So we should all throw chairs at ponies we have crushes on?" Pinkie Pie asked excitedly.
"See?!" the tsundere cried, jabbing at her. "See, she gets it!"
"I don't even think you get it," Twilight remarked quietly before readdressing her. "Well, Frazzle Dazzle, I think you need to sort out your priorities. Romance is touchy, and usually big, forceful gestures won't end up well for either of you. In a relationship, you need to give up your pride and selfishness for the other person instead. It's how friendship works for all of us. So it's worth a shot to see how it'll work for you."
The tsundere made a gasping anime sound. "What?! B-but he's a guy!"
Twilight stared. "And?"
"And I don't like them! They're all masculine and stuff! They get in my way! And they're perverts!"
"Says the mare who was undressing in the living room!" Rainbow retorted.
The mare gaped in rage. Then she huffed and blew a strand of her overcooked-spaghetti-like hair, alike in texture and length, out of her face.
"Do you want to be single?" Pinkie asked her. "Foreeeever?"
She shook her head no.
"Then stop actin' like it!" Applejack said.
"But it's working so far," she feebly protested.
"Yeah, right," Fluttershy sarcastically blurted out. "Humiliating the guy in public is gonna make him like you all the more, is it? Well, Frazzle, this bad-girl attitude has to stop if you ever want a chance of him ever liking you in return. A colt has to make the first move, but if you like him afterward--get this--you reciprocate! If you like him, like him back! If you don't, then tell him! But for goodness' sake, never hurt him! That's not how kindness and love work together! The goal you should strive for, Frazzle, is to be the kind of pony you would want to marry! Would you want to marry a psychopath who yells at you in public, calls you names, denies her feelings, and acts like an undisciplined foal?!"
The room had softened down to a shocked silence. When the quietest one in the group exploded, it was never a good idea to intervene.
Frazzle Dazzle only looked bashfully at the ground. "No."
Fluttershy jabbed at herself. "I may not have had a relationship before, but in reality, you're even less experienced than I am in romance, if you think hurting your loved one is the way to his heart!"
Rarity gave an impressed whistle. Rainbow Dash whispered, "Aww snap!"
Fluttershy's tone dropped when she had finished. "Speaking as the Element of Kindness, you should try to become the kind of pony you want to end up with, and things will work out from there! Kindness. Always. Works."
Frazzle Dazzle wiped her emerald eyes with a hoof. Her lips were trembling, but after a moment, she forced out, "But...I don't know how else to grab his attention!"
"Try acting kind, darling," Rarity supplemented. "That would surprise him, all right."
"But I...I have a sad backstory as to how I became so bitter and closed off from emotions," Frazzle Dazzle lamented. "He will never understand the pain of being the alien daughter of an intergalactic queen who had to drop her daughter off on Equus to protect her from an evil warlord searching for the last of the Royal line, and that daughter witnessed in her dreams the death of her entire family, so she became closed off, bitter, and hateful to everypony she meets, because I'm a strong independent mare who don't need no stallion for me to save the universe."
The girls just stood in silence after that rather prophetic revelation. The plot she had described was simply so ridiculous and out of the blue and not fitting with the context at all that most of them doubted its authenticity. Of course, none of them said so out loud.
"Well," Twilight eventually said.
"Yep." Frazzle Dazzle nodded.
"So, uh, I think we're good now, right?"
"I, um, I think so."
"Well, our butts ain't flashin'. Might as well jus' wait."
Suddenly Frazzle Dazzle was lifted into the air in a column of divine white light. Her hair was flying all around her, and her body was spread-eagle.
"Convenient plot deviiiiice," sang an angelic messenger. "Convenient plot deviiiiice! Deeeeuuuuus ex maaaaachinaaaaa!"
"Deeeeuuuus ex maaaaachinaaaaa!" repeated a choir of equally divine messengers. "Hosanna to the holy script! Hosanna to the hooooolyyyyy scriiiiiiipt!"
The divine light evaporated and Frazzle Dazzle swirled in the air before landing on all four hooves. Her opening eyes were all white at first, but after a blink or two, they returned to their sparkly green self.
"I think I just had a premonition!" Frazzle exclaimed. "My dead mother contacted me in a dream and told me that the alien warlord she was protecting me from was actually...my father!"
The girls just looked on with absolute confusion.
"Come on! I'm the chosen one sent to avenge my race! Let's go get that annoying guy that I like a lot and confess my feelings for him, and we'll go to space and fight off aliens and have the best experience ever!"
And Frazzle sped out the door.
After a moment or two, Twilight belatedly pointed after her. "Should I be concerned?"
"About aliens?"
"No, Pinkie. About her. Is her sanity still intact?" She gingerly put a hoof to her head. "Is mine?"
"Staying with us until this point?" Rainbow quipped. "I don't think so."
"But that's just the thing," Twilight tenderly said, addressing each of them. "You can make anything better by just being around me, Rainbow. And that goes for all of you as well. We may fight sometimes, but we always reconcile and understand the other's feelings. This feeling of understanding between us all is the key to what bonds us all together, even when things...don't work out as well as it should."
"It doesn't hurt that none of us hate the other's guts," Rarity added.
Applejack gave her a sideways glance. "Who said anythin' about that?" Seeing the incredulous stare Rarity gave her, Applejack relented. "It was a joke! A joke! Yeesh."
"Do you think Frazzle Dazzle is going to accept our advice? I think I came across too harsh."
"I don't know, Fluttershy. But if not, it's her choice. Everyone is the master of their own destiny, the protagonist of their own story. Whatever choice she uses to achieve happiness, it's up to her."
"Worst. Protagonist. Ever."
"Why, Pinkie Pie, darling, what makes you say that?"
"Is it because she's confused, inconsiderate, and focused only on a stallion?"
"No! Because she didn't invite me into space as well! Hmph!"
"What was up with that, anyway?" Rainbow asked curiously. "That didn't relate at all to the setting we were in."
"Tsunderes rarely work in ways we understand," Pinkie Pie sagely advised. "As Star Swirl the Bearded once said, 'Tsunderes are not bimbos; they are misunderstood.'"
"I...don't think Star Swirl ever said that."
"Well, Twilight, if anypony said it, it's bound to be him. He was very wise."
"So in the end, no matter who they are, understanding each other is the key to solving a problem?"
"I'd assume so."
Suddenly the cutie marks on Pinkie Pie's rear end began to flash out. The flashing was echoed on the rest of the girl's flanks as well. Giving grins at each other, the girls all gave a collective hoof-bump in triumph.
Sunflare Stargaze was irritated. However much Frazzle Dazzle had berated him in public, his thoughts more often than not dwelled on her. Though she was ignorant of his feelings, she was also absolutely adorable when she (rarely) blushed and pawed at the ground. What was up with him?
Taking another bite of the sundae, he pushed his mind off her. The cafe had decided to reimburse him for the incident the previous day, and had given him a dessert on the house. Now, it only came about as a result of getting hit in the face with a chair, but free ice cream was free ice cream.
In the middle of the street, a large wooden stage was pushed into view by a single pony. Sunflare gave it an inquisitorial look. Was there a musical going on?
The curtains opened to reveal the twin-pigtailed Frazzle with a bow in her hair, reluctantly holding a guitar. Sunflare was stupefied. What kind of stunt was she trying to pull now?
Frazzle adjusted the microphone, giving tremendous feedback, and began her song, gazing into his eyes.
"Hush hush hush, blush blush blush, you are now my big, fat crush!"
Sunflare gave an incredulous stare. The entire cafe was sniggering, at either him or Frazzle's ridiculous performance.
"I'm single as I can be! You're single, perfect for me! I'm gonna give you a bunch of reasons why you should date me!"
Author's Note
From bad to worse.
