When Haggling, Bring a Griffon
Ocellus looked over her dorm room and smiled. Since she had come to Twilight Sparkle's School of Friendship, she had learned something very important from Professor Rarity: self expression.
Early in her life, the Changeling Kingdom was a Hive Mind. All things were meant to serve the Hive, and all personal problems got thrown aside for the good of the collective. But then the Tyrant Queen Chrysalis was overthrown and King Thorax took the crown. Changelings had received something that they had never experienced before: freedom. Freedom to laugh. Freedom to love. Freedom to live as they wanted. Freedom to make fun of the monarchy without fear of disappearing the next morning. Not that Ocellus ever would, she owed King Thorax everything. It was because of him that she was able to go to this school and meet her friends. She asked him once how she could ever repay him. His response was simple. "Be your own Changeling." Now, more than ever, it was important to be herself, because individuality was now the thing most prized. Somewhat ironic, she mused, for a nation of shapeshifters and copycats.
Now she was starting by redecorating her dormroom. Her bed was decked out to look like hers back home, with pinkflowing into blue on top of a pearl-colored mattress. Her phonograph in the corner sat on top of a little shelf which housed her growing record collection. Ocellus discovered she was very fond of music. Maybe she would start singing one of these days. A little dresser with a lamp shaped like a bird. Professor Fluttershy had helped her discover a love of animals. And then there was... a blank wall.
Well now. That wouldn't do at all. The rest of it was very humble, but very, very her. But this blank wall? It was bothering her. Ocellus was not a blank wall... maybe she could put up a few posters? No... they would just tear up and break overtime. No, she needed something sturdy. Something practical. Something....
Something like a bookcase!
She dove into her bookbag to look for a flyer she had picked up the week before. She quickly found it and examined it. A Flea Market opened up in Ponyville about two days ago, was open today, and would be for the next four. She nodded and went for her coin purse. 150 bits of hard saving and frugal spending. She had earned herself a gift. This should be more than enough for a modest little bookcase. Her classes were done for today, all of her homework completed, so she had all the free time in the world to shop. Just as long as she could get permission from the teachers.
She packed up and headed out the door, only to be met by the familiar sight of the dancing blue Griffon who lived next door. "Hello, Gallus," Ocellus said quietly to her friend. "I take it by this display that you are also done with your assignments for this evening?"
"You are oh, so very right!" Gallus practically crooned as he grooved through the hallway. "Classes over, homework done, and now I am..." Gallus seemed to struggle to find the next words.
"Bored?" Ocellus guessed.
"Yeah, I've got nothing going on tonight," Gallus sighed. He then looked over Ocellus and took note of her carry bag and wallet. "I can see you don't have that problem."
"Nope," Ocellus smiled. "I've got a nice little afternoon planned. I'm going out to the Flea Market to pick up a bookcase. I think I'd better hurry before they close. Tell me something, is 150 bits enough to pick out a decent bookcase? Just something simple to keep my textbooks and Daring Do volumes on."
"Yeah, no problem," Gallus shrugged dismissively. "I mean, with that much money you should be able to... wait a minute. You're going to a flea market? With that much money? Alone? For one bookcase?"
"Yes," Ocellus nodded. "Why? Is there a problem with that?"
Gallus made a face that looked as if he had just bitten into something very sour. He seemed to have a six thousand word pileup in his beak as he stretched out one talon over and over again. Eventually he got control of himself and began to speak. "How's about I head down to the Flea Market with you?" Gallus finally managed to strain out. "I owe you for a few quizzes in Twilight's class I would have flunked without your help studying. I can help you lug the thing home! Plus, it seems like a more entertaining time than staring at the wall for six straight hours. I'm sure I can pick up something for my own dorm room too."
"That was a lot of reasons awfully fast," Ocellus said, raising an eyebrow. "Are you trying to duck out of something?" She felt guilty asking this of her friend, but this was Gallus they were talking about here. This was the Griffon who convinced her to cut class for the first time.
"I promise that my motives here are completely altruistic," Gallus nodded, proving that he had been learning new words and concepts in class. "I really do want to help you out here. And I swear I have nothing to do tonight."
Ocellus examined his face, and he seemed to be telling the truth. "Alright, I suppose it would be much nicer shopping with a friend," she said softly. "But I wouldn't worry about lugging it home. Remember, I can transform into a Bugbear and carry it home myself."
"Would not recommend doing that in the middle of a Ponyville Flea Market," Gallus said quickly.
"Yeah," Ocellus thought about that for a moment. "Ponies are liable to get the wrong impression, aren't they?"
"Most likely," Gallus nodded. "I'll run to my room and get my wallet, I'll meet you at the front gate."
"In about five minutes," Ocellus agreed. "I need to get permission slips for both of us from Counselor Glimmer. Shouldn't take long. And thank you. It should be nice having a friend to keep me company while shopping."
"Yeah," Gallus mumbled. "And to keep you from losing your carapace in the process...."
"Sorry?" Ocellus asked.
"Nothing," Gallus said brightly. "See you in a few minutes!"
Getting permission from Counselor Glimmer was no problem. She was very understanding about the whole thing. Ocellus met Gallus at the front gate and they headed off to the Ponyville Flea Market. There were several stands selling a myriad of different items. Trading cards, old souvenirs, and finally furniture.
It took some finding, but eventually Ocellus found a nice looking little bookcase. Three shelves, around six feet tall. More than enough room to store all of her books. It was a sturdy looking thing too. More than able to put up with the very slight wear and tear she would put the thing under while she owned it. She smiled and did her best to look for a salespony.
As she turned around she saw a salespony in a terrible coat. So much plaid all in one place made her eyes hurt. He had a curly black mane and a smile that could cut glass. Yet the look in his eyes made Ocellus want to trust him. But there was something about this pony that seemed to make Gallus uneasy, like he was watching this pony's every move, waiting for him to strike like a cobra. Ocellus didn't see why. This pony seemed perfectly nice.
And then he started talking. And he didn't stop for quite some time.
"Welcome to the wonderful world of Furnishings and Home Fittings!" the pony said at light speed, slinking his way over to Ocellus and Gallus. "It's great to see you. Now let's take a look at you! Busy student, constantly studying, always keeping your eye on the ball. A foreigner in these lands, but you're friendly to all! Your eyes match your wings but there's a hole in your life! Well let's fill that hole with wood and nails! If there is one thing you can count on, my friends, it's that you will always get a good deal with Shelf Woodknock! Why, because I mark up nothing! I know, you can call me crazy!"
"You're crazy, Shelf," Gallus said dryly.
"Okay, then let's talk crazy," Shelf continued to ramble. "Lets talk chairs, let's talk ottomans, let's talk entertainment centers, let's talk the incredible selection of top-of-the-line bed frames and mattresses! And I know what you're thinking, my dear friends."
"What's that, Shelf?" Gallus asked raising one eyebrow.
"I know what you're saying," Shelf blazed through an obviously well rehearsed pitch. "You're saying to yourself, 'Where in the world can we find these incredible bargains?'"
"WHERE, SHELF?!" Gallus asked with mock excitement.
"Well you can only come to one place to find them, the Ponyville Flea Market! The stand and set up of the one and only Shelf Woodknock!" Ocellus was losing track of all of reality. It was all moving so fast. "Just make your way down to Ponyville Town Square, down the road from Sugarcube Corner, right across the street from where the ponies without work hang out! So make your way down to Shelf Woodknock's Flea Market stall! Walk, run, jump, hop, limp, crawl! I don't care! Just get DOWN HERE!!"
There was a long awkward pause as Ocellus's head was left spinning. "You through, Shelf?" Gallus said flatly.
The salespony nodded. "Shelf is through, folks."
Ocellus took a moment to remember why she was there in the first place. Eventually she righted herself and spoke. "Yes, um…thank you, that was very impressive," she said, sorting out the words in her brain. "I'm interested in picking up a bookcase for my dormroom and this one here looks like just the thing."
"I'll bet you it is," Shelf continued, still going blazing fast. "A top of the line Shelf Woodknock original. Made of solid mahogany, and all the love and care of the Woodknock family. We put our heart and soul into every piece we make, so every stick of furniture is like a foal to us, so it pains me to part with any of them, but the customer always has to come first, so I'll be willing to part with it for no more than 200 bits. Call me wacky, but I just need to help out someone in need of quality furniture like yourself."
Ocellus's heart sank. "Oh, dear. I don't think I can afford that," she said, nervously. "I only have 150 bits altogether...."
"Hmm... well," Shelf said, seemingly unfazed. "Listen, you look like a decent kid, and you're taking lessons from Princess Twilight on the Magic of Friendship. Your education is important youngster, and I mean that sincerely. So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Since you are trying to better Equestria, and indeed the whole world by your studies, I'm going to give you a student discount. I'll knock twenty five percent off the top, for the sake of Equestria. That brings it to 150 bits, that's just the kind of stallion I am."
"Oh, that would be absolutely perfect!" Ocellus smiled brightly. "My bits are in here, just arrange it with my friend on how to transport it home. Gallus? Could you help with–"
"I already am," he said, peering over the shelf over and over again. Examining every inch of it. "Yeah..." Gallus slowly nodded. "Yeah, there's a problem with this bookcase... "
Ocellus stopped short of bringing out her wallet. "What do you mean?" she asked nervously. "Does it have termites or something?"
"Nope," Gallus shook his head slightly as he looked over the bookcase again and again. "No the problem here is much simpler, and more obvious... but actually a little harder to solve."
"And what could possibly be the problem with my merchandise?" Shelf Woodknock said through gritted teeth.
"Very simple," Gallus said, finally locking eyes with Shelf Woodknock. "It's garbage."
Ocellus's jaw dropped to the floor as steam appeared to rise from Shelf's ears. "Are you questioning the quality of my craftsmanship?" he growled at Gallus, now obviously very angry.
"Of course not, just your choice of material," Gallus said, apparently completely undisturbed by the murder in Shelf's eyes. "I just figured that to make this thing you'd use... I don't know... wood and nails and stuff. Not garbage like you did here. Though, keep in mind, I'm not a carpenter or whatever."
"My furniture is made of top of the line material," Shelf growled.
"Your furniture is made of corkboard," Gallus said without blinking. "Not mahogany, like you told us. Anyone who bothered to look over the thing could tell that instantly. I may be jumping to conclusions here, but I'm guessing that's why you talk so fast, right? To get us out of here before we can realize what we bought?"
Shelf Woodknock's eyes darted around the Flea Market, as if he was desperately searching for some sort of viable escape route.
"Now, on the subject of your craftsmanship," Gallus continued mercilessly. "I suppose it is possible that... oh… three months ago max, when this thing was made, you spent time working in a Yakyakistani furniture factory, where you constructed this with your own bare hooves. And that would be a decent explanation for this great big 'Made in Yakyakistan' stamp on the back here, but I can think of a simpler one. This thing was made in a Yakyakistani Factory and you were pretending it is homemade to drive the price up. Of course, I could be wrong... but come on, you know I'm not."
Shelf Woodknock gave Gallus a look like he was trying to set him on fire with his mind. Steam chuffed through his nose as he thought these murderous thoughts.
Gallus continued completely undeterred. "Now," he said, walking around the bookcase to stare Shelf right in his flaming eyes. "The reason why you are very lucky right now is that my friend here doesn't need anything amazing. She just needs a place to keep her books while she's in class. So corkboard garbage will do just fine for what we need. The problem is that you're trying to charge us for this like it's some sort of priceless mahogany antique. It's not. If that's what we were trying to pay for, that would be great, but it isn't so we simply refuse to spend that much money. You get me?"
Ocellus couldn't believe what she was seeing. Gallus wasn't the best student. He could be unfocused and lazy on occasion. Here, however, the Griffon was coming off like an utter genius. Dissecting every single little detail of a purchase before making it, and not taking a single word Shelf Woodknock said at face value. It was rather impressive to watch.
"So let's start again," Gallus sighed. "We would like to purchase this bookcase. It may be made out of cheap material, but the build looks alright. It should fit our needs, wants, and – this is the important one – price range very nicely. We'll pay you a profit on what you spent to get this thing. How much was that, pray tell?"
Shelf Woodknock was hyperventilating now. Soon however, he managed to calm himself down. "Before I do, kiddo... I want to ask you something," he said, every word now trembling with the seething hatred he had built toward Gallus in the short time they knew each other. "You wouldn't happen to know a Griffon by the name of Gruff, would you? Tall-ish, one blind eye, utterly impossible to haggle with?!"
"He's my Grandpa," Gallus said, his trademark self-satisfied grin spreading its way across his beak. "Why do you ask? Say, you two wouldn't have happened to have met before, have you?"
Shelf looked as if he had to physically restrain himself from leaping upon Gallus and strangling him to death. Once again, however, he regained his composure. "Fifty bits," he said shakily. "I got this thing factory direct."
"And decided to hock it at a flea market?" Gallus said skeptically. "Now, Shelf... me and Ocellus here came to Princess Twilight's School of Friendship to learn all about the Elements of Harmony. These are the things that bind the magic in our world together. One of them is honesty, and I know I'm no expert or anything, but I gotta be real, Shelf, that didn't sound very honest to me."
Shelf Woodknock seemed to make a loud squeak and jump up a little. Ocellus was afraid that he was coming dangerously close to murdering the pair of them. She had to give him some credit, though, even while his profit was on fire in front of him, he still didn't completely lose it. "Twenty bits," his mouth seemed to leak like steam escaping a busted pipe. "Got it second hand from a buddy of mine who was moving to Las Pegasus."
"Woo, your buddy actually gave you a pretty good deal," Gallus said brightly. "Like I said, cheap material aside, the build of this thing is actually pretty decent. I'd be willing to pay forty bits for this thing, no problem. That seems fair…" Without breaking eye contact with Shelf, Gallus called out, "What do you think, Ocellus? Does that seem fair?"
"Forty bits sounds just fine to me," Ocellus said softly, quickly realizing her part in what Gallus was trying to do for her. "Goodness knows I can afford it."
"Yeah, forty bits seems to work out just fine for my friend here," Gallus smiled. "What about you, Shelf? How does forty bits sound to you? I mean it's twice what you paid for the thing, that's a tidy little profit, right?"
"Forty bits it is," Shelf breathed, seemingly relieved that it was finally over. "Thank you."
"Perfect. Ocellus, if you could pay the nice stal– Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry! I'm being stupid!" Gallus said, giving himself a little smack on the head with his talons. "The student discount!"
"What?" Ocellus asked, unsure of where Gallus was going with this.
"What?" Shelf Woodknock asked with a note of horror that could only come from knowing precisely where Gallus was going with this.
"Remember, Ocellus?" Gallus said cheerfully. "At the beginning of this, because our education was so important, our good friend Shelf was going to knock 25 percent off the asking price. What a guy, huh? I mean he himself talked all about how important it was that we were working to better Equestria, and he was going to take a hit from his own profits to do it! that is what I call one stand-up, honest, good natured salespony. Almost brings a tear to my eye..."
All movement from Shelf Woodknock had ceased by this point. Now all he was doing was just looking at Gallus with a sort of desperation. It was the kind of look somepony would give somepony else if they were begging, pleading, for them to just stop punching them in the kidney. It was the kind of desperation that realized that the only mercy he would find from the griffon's haggling prowess might be the sweet embrace of death.
"So let's see here," Gallus said, biting his talon as he thought. "The price is forty bits, twenty five percent off of that... let's think for a minute... that knocks ten off the top. That leaves the price at… Ocellus, help me out here, I've never been too good with numbers."
"Thirty bits," Ocellus sighed, rolling her eyes. She knew that her friend already had the answer, but was hamming up his act to drive home the point.
Gallus snapped his talon. "Thirty bits, that's right," he said nodding. "That leaves you with a fifty percent profit, Shelf! And that should be perfect for anypony who didn't try to rook us into paying ten times the value of the item in question so he could commit the retail equivalent of highway robbery. Say Shelf, you wouldn't happen to know any snake-in-the-grass salespony that low and unscrupulous, would you buddy?"
Now a broken stallion, Shelf Woodknock simply stared off into the middle distance. His soul having left him at some point during Gallus's shellacking. "Thirty bits would be just fine, thank you," he said weakly, his eye twitching a little bit as he said it. "Thank you for shopping at Shelf Woodknock's. Please don't come again."
It didn't take the pair of them long to get the bookcase back to Ocellus's quarters and set up the bookcase along the formerly blank wall. Ocellus smiled at her now completed dormroom. She then turned to Gallus. "Thank you," she said smiling softly. "You really had my back today."
"Eh, it wasn't that heavy," Gallus smiled back. "Besides, it's good exercise, isn't it? Good to lift every so often."
"That isn't what I meant," Ocellus giggled. "I meant stopping me from throwing away all of my life savings on a cheap bookcase."
"Oh... that..." Gallus said in a subdued tone. "Yeah... don't mention it."
The air around Gallus seemed to darken when Ocellus brought up his negotiating skills. Ocellus quickly sat down on the bed and looked right into Gallus's soul. "What's wrong?" she said. "Something is bothering you, I can tell..."
"No, nothing's bothering me. What are you talking about?" Gallus looked at Ocellus and realized that he wasn't leaving this room until he told her what was going on. He took a deep breath, and began. "I'm really not proud of that side of me... or that side of Griffons in general."
"Why?" Ocellus said. "You were absolutely brilliant."
"You know, I bet I was," Gallus sighed. "I bet I could haggle better than anyone else in this whole school. Anyone in Ponyville. Heck, anyone in Equestria. And do you know why that is? Because I grew up in Griffonstone after the death of King Grover. And in Griffonstone you either learned how to spot when someone was cheating you, or you got cheated. Over and over again. There was no friendship, no caring, little family, and, Harmony save us, no trust. Your life, your world, your day, it all revolved around the almighty bit. You either learned how to get your hands on as much as possible or you got shafted by everyone around you. Bled dry. Full stop."
Ocellus gave her friend a caring look. He was obviously getting very upset.
"When haggling, bring a griffon," Gallus sighed. "That was a piece of old wisdom that has been around for years now. It's good advice, too, because griffons take nothing at face value. We are always looking for the graft; always looking for where the deal can turn sour. We don't... we don't trust anything... and I'm the same way. I act pretty tough but I'm just predisposed to be suspicious of everything... I don't want to be like that anymore."
Ocellus thought about that for a moment. "Well," she said finally. "You trusted us."
Gallus raised an eyebrow. "Sorry?"
"Yona, Smolder, Sandbar, Silverstream," Ocellus counted off. "And me. You trusted me, and if there was anyone you should be suspicious of you're looking at her. Do you want to know what my people are predisposed to do? Kidnap ponies and live their lives, feeeding off of the love directed at them like some sort of parasite. You're not the only one here suffering from some cultural baggage."
"Well, yeah," Gallus said. "But, like... I know you. You're cool."
"Exactly what I mean," Ocellus nodded. "We became friends really quickly, despite the fact that we were taught all of our lives that Friendship was a complete waste of time... only serving as a distraction. And as troubled as our people's history may be, we shouldn't be ashamed of it. Our history isn't us. We're the young ones. It's our job to take what our history made terrible and turn it into something bright. I like to use my shapeshifting to make ponies happy, despite what it was originally intended for... and you used your haggling, born from an innate mistrust of other beings, to help out a friend. I don't think either of us have anything to be ashamed of."
Gallus looked down at the ground, giving a little smile of relief.
"Now come on, I'll buy you dinner," Ocellus smiled. "Thanks to a good friend who had my back when I needed it, I just so happen to have some extra spending cash."
Author's Note
Okay, two thank yous to give out.
One to Striving for Harmony for commissioning this story. He also did me the favor of proofreading the story, because ELEMENTS HELP ME, I needed it. Thanks man
And second to the creators of WKRP in Cincinatti for inspiring the character of Shelf Woodknock, and his opening speech.
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