Whip it!*™ Good

by Justice3442

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Profanity, Slice of Life, Narcotics, Rarity (EqG), Pinkie Pie (EqG), Rainbow Dash (EqG), Comedy, Applejack (EqG), Random, Equestria Girls
Length: 3242

Pinkie Pie is addicted to many things. Sugar, hugs, five-star reviews at the restaurant she works at… However, there’s ONE addiction her friends simply can’t abide by.

Pinkie Pie is addicted to many things. Sugar, hugs, five-star reviews at the restaurant she works at… However, there’s ONE addiction her friends simply can’t abide by.

Thanks to Steel Resolve for his edits and suggestions and special thanks to Nova Quill/Firimil for her edits, sugestions.

Inspired by a conversation with Nova Quill/Firimil and NO₂THING else.

Published 2019-05-04 18:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-05-04 18:40:01 UTC

Original Title: Whip it Bad, but that sounded stupid.

Pinkie Pie felt her body go chilly as she forced herself to focus even though everything in her family’s kitchen was bouncing back and forth, back and forth, super-de-duper fast! She had been caught red-handed.

Or more accurately, cream handed!

And also cream-faced, since she had just inhaled an entire can of whipped cream… Emphasis on 'inhaled' as in she also inhaled the air inside the can and then held her breath for a really, REALLY long time!

But now everything was coming into focus and she could see two of her bestest-best friends staring at her with super unhappy looks. Sunset and Rarity looked like Pinkie’s parents when they caught her at her computer with the door open, her skirt and underwear down around her ankles, and her hand—

“Pinkie, darling! You’re oversharing, again!” Rarity cried out.

“Oh, like you don’t do it!” Sunset fired back.

“This is hardly a topic for polite conversation!” shrilled Rarity. “Can we drop it please?”

Sunset smirked. “Like you drop your skirt when you’re alone in front of your computer?”

“Sunset! Can we please leave it be?! I don’t think anyone here cares to hear about this right now!”

“Ah could stand to hear a little more.”

Oh! Also, Applejack was there? Just standing behind everyone? Not really looking with a judgy-McJudgerson face, but just sort of there.

“Pinkie, stop narrating,” Sunset said flatly.

"Aw, but it’s so much fun!” Pinkie said.

“I’m afraid we’re not here for fun, darling.” Rarity stated. “Sunset and I got to talking about your whipped cream obsession and then she put two and two together, then she insisted we gather everyone and talk to you post haste.”

Pinkie visibly gulped “Gulp!” as she looked over her friend’s serious faces. Well, two serious faces, one was clearly non-pulsed by what she just witnessed. Oh! And Sunset was looking increasingly annoyed at both Pinkie AND Rarity!

“Pinkie, you’re doing it again,” Sunset stated.

“Right, sorry.”

Rarity turned to Sunset. “And how exactly am I vexing you?”

Sunset flipped a palm upwards. “I didn’t insist we grab everyone! I just said ‘I need to talk to Pinkie’ and you started calling up everyone like the world was ending!”

Without warning, the kitchen window above the sink exploded outwards sending glass everywhere as something, or rather, someone (light-blue, with rainbow-colored hair) did an airborne somersault through it and landed with one foot and one knee on the now broken glass strewn floor.

“Did-someone-say-something-about-the-world-ending!?”

“Christ, Dash!” Sunset exclaimed. “Take it down a notch! Take it down all the notches.”

“Okay, but like... If the world is ending, we should use our powers and—”

Rarity put a finger up to Rainbow Dash’s lips and let out soft, soothing shushing noises. “Rainbow, dear, we’re here to talk about Pinkie’s addiction. You know this.”

“Pffft, lame!” Rainbow Dash said.

“I know, right?” Sunset agreed.

Applejack took a measure of the women present. “Are we not gonna talk about how Rainbow Dash decided to break through a window to make her entrance?”

“I’m a superhero!” Rainbow Dash insisted. “We’re all superheroes! Why are we being doing uncool stuff like using doors? Unless like... you have kinda boring powers like Sunset and Fluttershy?”

Sunset’s face tightened. “I’m angry... but it’s mostly anger out of an inability to move things with my mind, so proceed.”

Rainbow Dash motioned to Applejack. “I just don’t get why Applejack doesn’t Kool-Aid man into every room with her super strength.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Well... Ah might start NOW!”

Pinkie took one more look around the room. “So... I gotta say... as far as interventions go, this is a pretty weak turnout.”

Rarity sighed, “Twilight said she was busy working on a new particle to help her travel back through time before someone spoiled the ending to Endgame for her... Rainbow Dash.”

“Whoa! That’s my cue to leave!” Rainbow Dash declared as she turned towards the nearest window and took a super-speedy dive back into the brightly-lit day and sending more glass everywhere.

“Okay, yeah... that sounds WAY more important than this,” Pinkie mentioned as she looked at Sunset. “I’m a little surprised you’re not helping her, Sunny.”

Sunset shook her head. “I keep telling her it’s pointless because the movie is already spoiled for HER and all she’ll be doing is a creating an alternate timeline where it’s not spoiled for another Twilight but she keeps insisting she can magic the particles enough that she can make them break their own established rules of time for dramatic effect just as long as no one thinks about it too hard, or literally, at all.”

Applejack smirked and let out a scoff, “At least you talked her out of her initial death ray idea.”

“Uh, okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “What about Fluttershy?”

“Her shelter is doing a half-priced adoptions this week,” Rarity informed. “And she insisted on saying goodbye to each animal personally.”

Fluttershy wrapped her arms around a massive mastiff and wept bittersweet tears into its side. “Oh, Duke! I know this is for the best but I’ll miss yooooouuuu~ Whahoaouahhouahhoua!”

The dog let out a small wine and licked Fluttershy’s face, dragging its massive tongue up from her chin to forehead.

“You’re right, Duke. I’m sure this new family will take good care of you! I just get worried when I let my dear, dear friends go off forever with strange people.”

A teenaged woman with rose-colored hair and pink-highlights sighed as she raised a hand past her pastel-green blouse and placed the tips of her fingers on her brow. “Fluttershy, we’ve been over this. It’s me, Roseluck! Of the Flower sisters?! We’ve known each other since third grade! And you can visit the dog anyt—”

Fluttershy bolted upright. “Hold that thought, sir!”

Roseluck groaned.

“They’re selling Viceroy Guinee of Pigstania!” Fluttershy leaned in close to Roseluck and whispered. “He’s not really a viceroy... Guinea pigs can get a tad dramatic.”

“You don’t say?” Roseluck deadpanned.

“Wait, wait, Viceroy Guinee of Pigstania!” Fluttershy called out as she ran off. “I’ll miss you the most after Princess Speckled Coat of the Ivory Planes, First Captain Snowy Feet, and Niles!”

Rarity continued, “She said if we weren’t an animal up for adoption there was pretty much no way she’d care about us unless another Equestrian artifact or mysterious portal was found.”

There was a crash from the living room as Rainbow Dash’s scratched and lacerated form appeared in the doorway. “Did-some-say-artifact-or-portal?!”

“Oh, my God, Dash!” Sunset bemoaned. “Just stay in here!”

“No!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed as she glanced behind her and picked another window to speed through.

Applejack looked at Pinkie. “Arent’cha a bit ticked off Rainbow Dash keeps wreckin’ yer windows?”

Pinkie shrugged. “Eh, I live here so… This level of damage and messiness in the house is just like… Tuesday.” She took another glance around. “Well, maybe more of a Saturday level of mess. Okay, so literally all my other most important best friends had other things to do, got it.”

Sunset’s tilted her head slightly. “What about Spike?”

“What about Spike?” Pinkie countered. “The franchise hasn’t cared about him since he became a real dog instead of a dragon turned talking dog. The only important thing that Spike had done is look really sad for Twilight when she went all creature of the night!” Pinkie let out a heavy sigh and opened up her fridge where she pulled out a can of whipped cream. “I’m getting all anxious thinking about it. Anyone want something to take the edge off?” she asked as she offered the can to any takers.

“You can keep your empty calories away from me, thanks!” Sunset snapped.

“Pinkie! That’s the very reason we’re here!” Rarity reminded.

“I know!” Sunset said. “A can of whipped cream?! What are we, 12?”

Rarity turned to Sunset, “Sunset, dear? I can’t help but feel you’re striking the wrong tone.”

“Right, fine!” Sunset said as she slid a backpack off her shoulders to the gentle sound of metal clinking inside. She unzipped a section and began to rummage around for something. “I’ll cut right to the chase.”

Applejack extended an arm. “Ah’ll take that can if y’all are gonna stand around whining about free whipped cream and a free high.”

Pinkie gleefully handed over the caster as Rarity let out a betrayed gasp. “Applejack, how could you?”

“Like this,” Applejack answered as she put the nozzle in her mouth then pressed on the side where the sound of gas propelled cream being propelled into a mouth. Soon, gas was inhaled and cream ate as Applejack held her breath for a good ten count before exhaling. “Whoooo-doggy!” She said in a much deeper than usual tone. “That’ll add a nice bounce to my britches.”

“I can’t believe what I’m seeing!” Rarity shrilled.

“I can’t believe this thing is so hard to find!” Sunset griped as she unzipped a different compartment.

Applejack just shrugged. “Do you know how boring it can get on a farm, Rares? I’ve gotten high offa lots more things.” Applejack held up the can. “This is far less likely to give me brain damage and cancer.”

“Found it!” Sunset set triumphantly as she held up a chrome canister with a baby blue top where a similarly colored nozzle, lever, and smaller chrome canister were affixed. Additionally, the canister bore a Whip-It! logo as well as a large sticker of Sunset’s cutie mark.

Rarity scrutinized the item for a moment. “Sunset, what is that?!”

“That’s a cracker,” Applejack said simply.

“I beg your pardon?” Rarity said.

There was a crack and a hiss causing Rarity to whip her head back towards Sunset who already had the nozzle in her mouth and depressed the lever causing the sound of gas steadily moving through the device.

“Sunset! What in Heaven’s name do you think you’re doing?!” Rarity shrieked.

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “She’s doing a Whip-it, duh!”

“But-but… That’s got to be illegal! At the very least, dangerous!”

The rest of the girls present all let out a collective groan as the sharp hiss of air escaping Sunset’s canister sounded out.

Sunset glared at Rarity and spoke to her in a voice two octaves lower than her usual one. “You just made me waste like… fifty cents by making groan like that… I’m doing another!”

“Sunset, no!” Rarity cried.

“Sunset, yes!” Sunset replied as she quickly unscrewed the top cylinder of her device and flicked her wrist once it was removed to launch a small-green charge out the broken sink window. With what seemed like one well-rehearsed motion, she dipped a hand into her backpack causing the jangle of metal as she pulled out another charge and loaded it into the small canister that was twisted back into place with a crack-hiss. She slowly breathed out the air in her lungs, placed the baby-blue nozzle of the dispenser in her mouth then depressed the lever on it slowly. A soft hiss sounded out as her lungs filled with the gas bit by bit as she watched the wrinkles on Rarity’s forehead deepen bit by bit. As her lungs almost hit their limit, Sunset depressed the lever fully causing her cheeks to puff out and air to shot out her nose. As she felt her lungs begin to burn due to lack of air, she took a quick breath and felt her balance give out as the world around her started reverberating.“Rarity catch me!” she said in a deep voice as she let herself fall forward.

“Goodness gracious me!” Rarity called out as she reached out her arms and gathered the collapsing Sunset into them.

Sunset simply grinned up at Rarity with a satisfied smirk.

Rarity sighed heavily. “You think you’re so cute…”

“Bitch, I’m adorable,” Sunset fired back.

Rarity’s eyes narrowed further, “Are your superpowers working?”

Sunset giggled. “Yep! And you are nettled!”

‘CRASH!’

“Did someone say literally anything to do with our powers?!”

“Shut UP, Rainbow Dash!” Everyone shouted in unison as Applejack reached out and grabbed hold of Rainbow Dash’s collar before the girl could speed off to do more property damage.

“And, now the high is gone!” Sunset lamented as she got back to her feet. She showed Pinkie the device. “Look, now that you’ve seen one, let’s go to a restaurant supply store and get you a proper dispenser and you can do Whip-It’s like an adult, alright?”

Pinkie’s forehead crinkled, which was hard, because she almost NEVER had reason to crinkle it. Also, her mouth began to hurt as she turned her smile upside down because of all the muscles she almost never—

“Pinkie, stop narrating what you’re doing!” Sunset snapped.

“Stop condescending at me!” Pinkie counter snapped.

“Can someone explain to me what is going on, please?” Rarity asked.

“Uh, it’s party time, obviously!” Rainbow Dash said. “Yo, Sunset. Can ya hook a girl up?”

Sunset frowned. “Okay,” she said as she reloaded her canister with another ‘snap-hiss’ and handed it over, “but only because riling up Rarity is a much longer high than these things.”

Rainbow Dash took a sloppy hit off the canister as air seemingly continuously escaped through her nose.

Rarity’s jaw dropped. “Rainbow Dash, you too?”

The other girls present all exchanged glances.

“Sugarcube, we’re all just surprised yer surprised!”

Pinkie shot Sunset a small glare. “I’m surprised someone here thinks I’m so dumb that I don’t know what a whipped cream dispenser is!”

Sunset motioned to the fridge. “Well, you have so many things of whipped cream here, I figured you thought that was, like, the only way to get your NoZ on, or something!”

“Sunset, I work for a restaurant! Like, d’uuuuuUUUUUUuuuuuuuuH!”

“I… okay, yeah. I got nothing. Well, why don’t, you know—” Sunset reclaimed her canister from Rainbow Dash “—get one of these and buy a big thing of whipped cream?”

Pinkie sighed. “Our parents got tired of almost tripping on Whip-It canisters and finding them EVERYWHERE when they cleaned up. Oh! Also, Limestone kept throwing the empties at people’s heads when she got upset… which was like… all the time! These are a lot easier to keep track off and make sure they get recycled.”

Sunset pursed her lips. “Your parents let you do Whip-Its? Like… all of you?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Yeppers! They figured if we were all super interested in that, it’d keep us off the drugs.”

Rarity gasped. “But it is a drug!”

Pinkie turned and gave Rarity a look of incredulity. “Rarity, don’t you have, like, a D.A.R.E meeting to be at?”

Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Sunset all let out joyous snorts as they broke into a fit of laughter.

“Burn notice, Rarity!” Applejack exclaimed.

“And from Pinkie Pie, no less!” Rainbow Dash added.

Sunset managed to get a lid on her laughter. “Alright Pinkie, I’m sorry I assumed you didn’t know about these,” she said as she shook her dispenser. “And that I judged you for how you elect to get high.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear!” Pinkie said.

“How about we a split a 100 pack at my place to make it up to you.”

Pinkie gasped. “Two things! There were two things I wanted to hear!”

Rarity’s eyes went unfocused as she seemingly stared inwards at herself. “Somehow I feel like public education has lied to me here…”

Applejack’s eyebrow did its signature move. “… Yer just now figuring this out?”

“BAM!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “That just happened!”

“Yeah, even AJ is getting in on this…” Sunset mused.

“Excuse me.”

All the girls but Pinkie Pie jumped as Maud seemingly materialized in the room. Barefoot, the pajama-clad Pie sister walked over the broken glass without so much as a hint she took notice of it, then opened the fridge. The girls watched as Maud reached in gathered a massive armful of whipped cream canisters and closed the fridge once more.

“Boulder is tired of feeling his face,” Maud deadpanned.

All the other girls save Pinkie Pie exchanged befuddled looks.

“Bolder doesn’t HAVE a face,” Sunset pointed out.

“Exactly,” Maud replied as she trudged off.

Sunset sighed. “Walked right into that one.”

Rarity threw her hands up in the air. “Well, if I’m going to all this trouble to get my friends together to try and stop a bad habit, someone has to have an intervention!”

Sunset groaned. “I wish you guys had my powers so you could all realize how dumb you sound to me sometimes.”

Rarity’s brow tightened. “Sunset, I think it’s time we talk about your drinking problem.” Rarity glanced at Applejack and Pinkie. “Right girls?”

Pinkie just shrugged. “Eh.”

“Nope,” Applejack replied.

“Why are you even asking me?” Rainbow Dash inquired.

Rarity let the air escape her lungs in on heavy, continuous sigh.

“I do NOT have a drinking problem!” Sunset insisted.

“You’re drinking from a hip flask right—”

Sunset held up an index finger as she continued to completely empty said chrome flask, which bore her cutie mark on the front, into her mouth.

Rarity sighed, “—now…”

Sunset took a dramatic gasp of air and wiped at her mouth with her wrist. “Sorry! When you mentioned drinking, I got thirsty and decided to take a drink… also because it was funny, so really, I’m solving two problems at once.”

Rarity scowled at Sunset. “And what does the fact that you’re irritating me further fit into this little equation of yours, hmmm?”

“… three problems solved,” Sunset said with a smirk as she began to sway a bit. “Hehehe… No one let me drive for like… four hours.”

“I- I just—” Rarity threw her hands upwards. “I just can’t believe all this was happening right under my nose! To think, my friends, have been getting high behind closed doors! Squirrelling away whipped cream cans and tiny cartridges all for a little buzz. It’s just so… so uncouth! And it’s uncalled for! Certainly, there are better—”

“Rarity!” Sunset snapped. “If you just shut up for a second and also drive Pinkie and me to the liquor store and restaurant supply store, you can see what you’ve been missing that at least half of your friends, and possibly also half yourschoolmates, are into.”

Rarity let out an affronted gasp. “Are you peer-pressuring me to do something just because it’s popular?!”

“Oh, my God! YES!” exclaimed Sunset.

Rarity nodded. “I thought as much.” She reached into a handbag and pulled out a set of keys. “Let’s roll!”

“Yeah! Let’s get pastel girl wasted!” Pinkie exclaimed as she followed Rarity and Sunset out of the kitchen and out of the house.

Applejack watched as the three girls left and frowned heavily. “Rainbow Dash, Ah’m sure I know the answer from ya, but are ya the least bit worried that we’ve fallen into a bit of a rut regarding stuff happenin’ to use that maybe we should learn somethin’ from, but instead everything unfolds in a way that no one learns nothin’ and we all go back to acting exactly like we did before the thing happened?”

“No, not even a little worried,” Rainbow Dash answered.

“Yeah. Ah figured as much.”

“Hey! Wanna abuse our powers non-stop just because we can, even though practically the first thing we learned when we got them was not to do that?!”

Applejack thought for a moment. “Reckon I do.”

The End