The Worst Pirate

by Lack of Tact

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Original Character, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3011

Captain Sprinkletits hates his name, and his mother for donning him with it. Thus, he becomes a pirate to spite her and her hatred of pirates.

Hit the popular page: 5/5/19, 5/7/19. Yarr.

. . . . .

He's no good guy, but he's definitely not a villain. Captain Sprinkletits only does what he does simply because he hates his name. Yes, it's as simple as that.

Oh, I guess I sort of lied, he hates his mother for having given it to him in the first place. Now it's as simple as that.

Everything pirate that he's done is just to grind her gears. To Twilight's chagrin, she'd made it onto that short list.

. . . . .

Previous title(s): "The Unlikely Adventures of Captain Sprinkletits," "That's got to be the worst pirate I've ever seen"

A simple pirate story about a pirate who doesn't pirate like a pirate just to annoy his mother. It just works.

:twilightsmile: Enjoy! :twilightsmile:

Published 2019-05-05 08:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-01-13 12:42:19 UTC

The Sail-ening

His mother was a terrible mare. So terribly terrible that she terrorized him as a foal. Okay, well, not really terrorized him, just gave him a bad name and everypony made fun of him for it in school. That's why he hated school. But we're not here to learn about his foalhood—maybe a bit, but not entirely. Either way, his foalhood sucked and he didn't like it, his name, and his mother. And if there's anything he hated most about her, it was that she hated pirates.

Yep, that's right, he hated that she hated pirates. As a young colt, Captain Sprinkletits always wanted to be a pirate. Not because it was cool or in, these days, only solely because he wanted to spite her. And that's what he did.

As he grew up, he kept his disgusting name and bought himself a ship with bits he got for selling pirated showtunes. She absolutely abhorred that. However, that wasn't all he did, no.

He named the ship after his father, a stallion she hated more than piracy itself—namely because he invented piracy, but that's a story for another time. Yessir, Captain Piratey the Pirate was a stallion of many things.

And now one of those things was a ship, apparently. Captain Sprinkletits named his beloved galleon the S.U.P.—Super Ultra Pirate, for those unaware—Piratey Pirate Ship. Suppps, for short, but that never stuck for some reason. In the end, his mother was so mad. Couldn't do anything about it, though.

Hey, it's her fault. She named him this way. Anyway, dear reader, now it's time for you to learn of the many adventures of Captain Sprinkletits and his beloved ship. Because, y'know, he brags about them. A lot.

. . . . .

"Hasten the main sails!"

"Aye, cap'n!"

"Keel haul the weak!"

"Be doin' that now, cap!"

"Other pirate words!"

"Yarr!"

The beige pegasus continued to shout words at himself, doing every deed after he spoke. A crew of one, was he, and he liked it that way. Really, it was because he didn't trust other pirates on his ship. They might've pirated his stuff, for all he knew. Alone, though he may have been, he sailed with glee unto the horizon.

Approximately seven hundred and sixty meters of sea to sail and it was all his. Approximately, because his mom wouldn't let him go any further. Yet, anyway. From one end, he bootlegged stuff to those ponies on the other side, the likes of which they had never seen, selling all his booty for bits a'plenty. From the other, he shantied his heart out at one of the local taverns. Of course, everypony hated it when he shantied, he couldn't carry a tune to save his life, but he shantied nonetheless. With pride, for that matter.

The ponies couldn't do anything, anyway. He was a pirate! The best pirate there ever was~~, his father, not withstanding~~! They feared him and his mighty roar. Well, more his mother than anything, but that's beside the point too. To them, he was a~~n annoyance~~ villain who did as he pleased... and he loved it.

"Set sail for Ponyville!" And he was on his way now. His violet eyes stared half-lid at his destination, the quaint little town across the ~~other side of the beach~~ sea. Tonight, he wasn't longing for drink and a hearty tune, no, tonight he longed for the richest booty of all the booty.

Tonight, he longed for the myth, the fable only remembered in legend... he longed for The Tree of Harmony, and nothing was going to stand in his way!

. . . . .

"Who, um, who are you and why are you trying to pull The Tree of Harmony from the ground?"

"Yarr, I be Captain Sprinkletits! Dread pirate extraor—eughh!—dinaire."

"Captain Sprinkletits?"

"Aye... an unfortunate moniker given to me by me atrocious mother, arghh..."

"The Captain Sprinkletits?"

. . . . .

"No." Twilight Sparkle was not having a good day. After Tirek, she was aiding alongside many others in the restoration of Ponyville. Part of that restoration was, well, restoring the cave The Tree of Harmony resided within. Giving a ponymade beauty to the walls that housed it. However, she'd come across a little snag. Upon entering the cave, solely to make sure everything was hunky-dory, she'd met an odd stallion. One she'd never seen before until today. Amongst their initial greetings, he seemed like a well enough fellow, but once he'd uttered his name, all amiability was lost.

Who stood before her but none other than...

Captain Sprinkletits, the dread pirate of not even half a sea... who had instantly tried to pull the tree from its roots once more, even as he tried to maintain the conversation. The nerve!

"What do ye mean no, ye scallyhag?!" She gasped at his atrocious speech and usage of botched piratespeak, which both hadn't shown as blatantly upon their introductions. He hefted at the tree with his hind legs and flapped his wings as hard as he could to try and rip The Tree of Harmony from the earthen crust. Of course, it was to no avail. Not only had he likely succeeded in throwing his back out in the years to come, but allied with Twilight's now flared magicks, the tree wasn't going anywhere, anytime fast.

"Firstly, scallywag. Secondly, because no! You can't uproot the one totem of good Equestria has! Let alone by yourself." She tried to reason with the potentially unstable stallion, but everything turned bottom's up, quickly. Sprinkletits glared at her and stuck his tongue out at the Princess of Friendship.

"Yarr! I don't need be needing any help, mate." She wanted to punch him. She wanted to punch him so bad. But she's the Princess of Friendship; the embodiment of all that is camaraderie, ties, and what have you. She settled with clenched teeth. "And why not, anyway, ye wench?" He asked as he bluntly ignored the scowl sent his way.

"I just-I-aghhh!" She screamed. She'd had it up to here, with him. He didn't notice, nor did he care.

"It's arghhh, ye dummy."

"I said no! That's why!" This caused a pause. A pout flashed across his face, hurt evident behind his eyes. He almost looked as if... oh, he'd started to cry.

"I'm gonna tell my mom on you!" And at this point? She didn't care.

"Yeah? What's your mother going to do to me, huh?" She took back all teachings of friendship just for this moment. Sick and tired was she of his game, his roleplaying.

"Ye should know! She be yer scurvy dog of a teacher."

"Oh," Twilight stopped, "oh no."

The Sail-ening 2: Pirate Scootaloo

Scootaloo was not having a good day, something that felt oddly deja-vu-ish to her. After Tirek, things went downhill for Ponyville ~~and basically all of Equestria~~; Sweet Apple Acres was in many states of disrepair, CMC HQ was all but rubble, and worst of all, her Rainbow Dash fan collection was likely soot at this point. She hated it. However, sadness wasn't a feeling she cared for, so instead, she played the aloofness card. Not that it mattered, because she was by herself and whatnot. It just made her feel better.

That's right, both Sweetie Belle and Applebloom were off doing whatever it was they were doing to help the rest of the townsponies. Yet, her? No. She'd seated herself next to the destroyed tree house, a photo cradled in her hooves. Charred beyond almost all recognizability, the photo depicted the three friends. Once depicted the three friends. All that remained of her form, ironically, was her left hoof holding onto Sweetie's neck. The very same hoof that found itself pressed against the image, all the while memories flooded the filly.

She wouldn't cry. To be honest, she didn't even have the chance to. A motion off in the distance grabbed her attention. A... very strange motion, at that. A beige stallion, enveloped in a purple aura, huffed, his forelegs wrapped around his chest. The aura around him, came from one disgruntled Twilight Sparkle. The two spoke to each other, just out of earshot of the pegasus filly, and this caught her attention. Wanting to avoid theirs, she ducked behind a fallen limb from the tree that housed her second home.

"Arrr! Put me down, ye scallywiggle! I be tellin' me mother on ye!" His shouts finally reached her ears and she couldn't help but giggle despite the odd situation. Twilight visibly rolled her eyes.

"First off, scallywag, again! Second, I have to confirm that you are, in fact, her son in the first place, Sprinkletits. Then you can," a sigh interrupted her, "tell on me." A loud harrumph followed suit from the stallion, but no words came after. Scootaloo sat with a raised brow, temptation ate at her core. She could follow the two, find out just who this pony is. However, before the will could tempt her too much, the stallion extended his wings. He tried flapping, tried to get out of her magical grasp, to no avail. However, that wasn't what caught her attention. His wings were elegant, beautiful, preened to perfection! With wings like that, Scootaloo would have no trouble flying at all! How did he manage to have such perfect wings?

Oh, questions were building up in her mind. Questions for the odd pegasus only meters away. If Twilight left with him, Scootaloo doubted she'd find him ever again. With a mental bit flip, she'd decided to follow. "Twilight! Hi!" She'd shouted to the duo and watched as they'd stopped in their tracks. The Princess of Friendship turned to face the new voice and Sprinkletits himself looked over Twilight's shoulder. Off in the distance, Scootaloo eagerly flapped her own wings as she hoofed it over to the two.

"Ye know this lil' land-lubber?" Sprinkletits asked with a pointed hoof in Scootaloo's direction. Twilight turned her head and glanced at him before she looked back. Another sigh escaped her.

"Yes." Was her sole response. Sprinkletits looked miffed with the answer, but lowered his forelimbs as he waited, bored in her magicks. "Scootaloo, hello! Where are Applebloom and Sweetie Belle?" She'd asked as the filly finally made her way over. Scootaloo pointed up at the stallion.

Sprinkletits just blinked.

"Twilight, where are you taking him?" Scootaloo's first question escaped her lips before she could properly order them in her head.

"She be takin' me nowh-!" his voice was silenced as the unicorn's aura extended to his muzzle.

Twilight looked between the two pegasi for a moment and shook her head. "Just... somewhere, dear. Run along now, this is official princess duty." Her answer went in one ear and right out of the other. Scootaloo simply tilted her head to the side. Twilight let out a low breath. "To Celestia. For questioning." She murmured.

This didn't appease the filly. "Cool, can I come?"

"I'm sorry, sweety, but like I said, this is official princ-"

"Let the filly along in our batch, miss Twilight! It be considered rude to deny the littler ones, arghh." She grumbled, having forgotten to maintain the silencing spell. Scootaloo looked from the stallion to her with eyes wetter than water. Seemed as if she knew the ways of puppy-dogging. "Aye, that, and it'll get her to stop doin' that eye thing."

Twilight sighed, her face met with her hoof halfway. "Sure. What more could go wrong today? All I wanted was to help Ponyville, but sure." She spoke under her breath. As she pulled her hoof away from her muzzle, she gently patted Scootaloo on the top of her head. "Come on, Scootaloo."

Said filly hopped, happily. A happy hopper, was she. "Sweet! So, who're you taking to Princess Celestia anyway?"

"Yar-har! I be the Princesse's royal pain in the a-," her magicks covered his mouth once more, and this time, she'd remember to keep it enabled. The now-trio had a train to catch.

Twilight sighed one last time before continuing the journey, "supposedly, her son."

Let's say Scootaloo was impressed. "Woah. So cool."

Author's Note

A short chapter, yarr, but needed nonetheless. She, well, they be headed towards his mother!

Why they didn't take Sprinkletits' ship is beyond that of even Twilight's comprehension... or she just didn't want to. Either way.

Yar Har Fiddle-Deez Nuts Part 3: By Celestia's Beard (Her Son's, Mostly)

"Yarr harr, fiddle dee dee, you are a pirate!" Sprinkletits shantied, despite the Princess of Magic's protests. The neighboring booths' occupants' displeasure all but ignored by the trio. Scootaloo, seated on the other side of the still magically encased stallion, bobbed her head to the tune. Irregardless of him having been unable to carry a note, she had to admit, her fellow pegasus certainly knew a catchy jig.

One she'd never get out of her head, surely, but catchy all the same. Scootaloo bobbed her head to the off-pitched song, all the while Twilight struggled to keep her own composure and/or remaining shreds of sanity. It's almost as if everything this stallion did was just to 'T' her off.

And she was very 'T'd indeed. "Being a pirate is alright with m-aahh!" Sprinkletit's head phased through the car's inner wall before he could finish his asinine shanty. Once upon a time, Twilight had thought everypony in Equestria; Tartarus, everycreature on Equus, was graced with the magic of song. Once, she'd grimly chuckled at the thought, annoyance plastered across her face. Sprinkletit's muffled shouts of terror outside the car eased her headache some, at least.

Scootaloo, bless her young bird-heart, stared wide-eyed as the upper half of Sprinkletits' neck simply magicked through the very window she was looking out. Magick was so cool. Why couldn't she have been a unicorn?

. . . . .

Some time passed, and even though he was still physically, impossibly halfway through a wall, Sprinkletits had mentally eased from his bouts of terror. In fact, after some time had passed, he'd slowly began to enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime view. By that, he'd pretended to have fallen asleep and dreamt pirate dreams.

A young, beige unicorn mare, adorned in a white button-up and a formal vest approached the young princess. Beneath frizzled brunette bangs, two worried rust-coloured eyes and a nervous grin was shakily painted beneath her cheekbones, "y-your Majesty," she'd started. An attempt to garner Twilight's attention. The Alicorn in question propped an eye open from her meditation. Or at least, what the young attendant had assumed was meditation and not, in all actuality, Twilight having just recovered from a minor migraine.

"Simply Twilight, please," the lavender princess humbly replied with a dainty smile, to save face more than anything. Twilight's grin wavered when the young mare bowed in apology.

As she'd stilled herself, the as of yet unnamed mare nodded once before an amber aura encased her horn. Suddenly, a tray presented itself in front of Twilight, and the Alicorn had to choke back a gasp at the abrupt sight of peanuts and small, plastic cups of water. "Your Majesty, er..." she'd fallen quiet and Twilight's smile diminished entirely.

The mare hiccuped as she'd noticed the marginal error. "M-miss, ah, Twilight, my name is Shaken Stirred, and-and I will be your personal attendant for, erm, for this trip." Vaguely, this reminded the immortal deity-to-be of a certain, rather shy friend back at home, and Twilight's lips fluttered back into a low grin.

"May I start you off with anything to drink? Peanuts? Any-anything at all?" Shaken questioned the fourth ruler of Equestria, and though it was directed at the princess, another answered for her.

Even one with a train car, Sprinkletits' innate ability of wonton interruption continued to exist. "Yar har, fiddle deez nuts, yer Majesty! Protein be good fer the soul, ye cranky wench! How he'd heard the attendant was nopony's guess.

At the intrusion, Twilight growled under a breath as her head snapped in the pirate's direction. Or the window's–or whatever. Her horn already alit, it flared brightly, intensely, and everything between her and the stallion was pushed entirely through the cart's side in a moment's notice, and into the... exterior of it. Twilight could only manage a blink, as a quickly fading, though very muffled "ye'll live to regret this, ye scallybit-" made its way into her ears. The immediate and damning regret hit her like a, well, a train, the moment she'd realized what she'd done.

Committing murder was not on her agenda. Or her schedule. Her eyes almost popped from her head as she willed the window open with her magick. From her barrel, up, she'd whipped out the port almost instantly as she'd looked back to where her supposed-to-be bounty was supposed to be. Celestia is going to kill her. Maybe once she'd found out Twilight maybe killed her maybe son.

Maybe this'll all come out in the wash? Ah, who was she kidding, Twilight's royally bucked and Scootaloo was there to witness it all from the start. "Scootaloo, maybe we should go back for him," Twilight suggested as she turned back to her charge. Or where her charge once was.

To her horror, Shaken Stirred grinned meekly at the princess, unsure of what to say to her leige. The silver platter hung still in the air, enitrely ignored as it floated by Shaken's now messier mane. The attendant glanced a single time at the window before meeting Twilight's dead gaze.

She had let the hate flow through her, and this was the consequence to her actions. Twilight was doubly bucked.

Author's Note

Hiatus, too long
Muse begins to bleed me dry
Inspire me, no more.

Sorry for the long, long wait folks. Especially sorry it's all just been for less than a thousand words. I've just not had the same inspirations like I'd used too. I want to keep writing, but I haven't kept up with it, and don't even know if I have the ability to, anymore.

But I'll try.