I remember it all.
My life was a troubled one. Don’t get me wrong, everypony in my life was awesome! Especially Rainbow Dash, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. Still, I was something of an outcast among Pegasi, even after I got my Cutie Mark. Apparently, if I hadn’t discovered to use my wings to propel my scooter, my wings would be—what’s the word? Vestigial? I didn’t have the same kind of love and support at home as my friends or Rainbow, so it was always hard for me to cope with this.
Not having that kind of support system was another issue in itself. I remember getting so jealous of Rainbow Dash when I met her parents and saw how much she took their support for granted or as a burden. Sure, they may have been on the overbearing side, but in my eyes, being somepony who didn’t have that at all, I had been appalled. She saw the error in this and reconciled with them. I guess it was because she had never known that about me before. It was something I didn’t like to talk about too often.
Rainbow Dash made me feel better when I was frustrated about not being able to fly as part of the opening ceremony in the Equestria Games. What kind of Pegasus couldn’t fly? What right did I have to have any sort of self-worth? What’s the point in being a Pegasus? I must not be a real Pegasus. What’s the point in anything? All these and more were thoughts that had run through my head, not just before the Equestria Games, but throughout my life. The more I watched Rainbow Dash, the more I wanted to be up there, right alongside her. All the other Pegasi in my class could fly. Rainbow Dash had helped me adapt some of her tricks to my scooter, and she said it was even cooler than flying because no other stunt pony did what I did. It just wasn’t the same.
It would never be the same. I didn’t think I could ever be like other Pegasi. Both Rainbow Dash and Princess Twilight had told me that it’s okay if I was different because being different was what made me, me. I appreciated the sentiment, but it didn’t do much else for me. Rainbow kept trying to assure me that I would have my time, but the encouragement became scarcer as I got older and time went on. It was like she wasn’t sure she herself believed it. I couldn’t blame her.
Every time I had said my prayers as a filly, I would ask to find the strength to fly. I would ask to find the strength to endure the teasing, the stares, the sidelong glances and those Pegasi who felt so self-important with their working wings that they would disdainfully ignore me. When I first noticed other Pegasi acting that way, I was hurt. Deeply hurt. They ostracized me. Me! The pony who emulated Rainbow Dash! After a while, I got angry. At some point, though, I decided not to care. The ponies who had been treating me this way weren’t ponies I was close to at all. My friends were the ones who knew me as Scootaloo, not the flightless filly.
Those who knew me or wanted to know me were the ones who stayed. What upset me was feeling like I had to throw my dreams and my aspirations out the window. I didn’t need to fly to appease my special talent, after all. What my Cutie Mark told me had nothing to do with flying, and that was all well and good. It stung a little, though, to see Rumble fly with crazy awesome skill and confidence as a blank flank.
Rumble…To my surprise, he had been one of those ponies who stayed. He wasn’t a Pegasus who looked down on other ponies. Well, unless he was flying and that was interpreted literally. Then he was technically looking down on other ponies.
Cozy Glow was another pony who didn’t look down on me for not being able to fly, but I learned all too late that that was because she had her own agenda. She had gotten close to all three of us, only as a means to take advantage and take over the Friendship School. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and I were devastated. She was our friend, but she used us to gain recognition and notoriety. She had stabbed us in the back, and that had really messed me up.
It was hard to trust anypony new after that, and I had to work hard to get to a point where I could trust other ponies again. It was awful. Especially since I did whatever I could to keep Rainbow from finding out how I was feeling. In hindsight, it was stupid. Intensely so. I just didn’t want her to know. What would she have even said?
If you’re starting to see the pattern, kudos. My insecurities always got the better of me, and they stacked on top of one another like they were the building blocks to my tomb. That time when we went camping and I didn’t want to sleep because I didn’t want to have nightmares? Yep, that’s another example, a small piece of the puzzle.
In my early teens, I was getting frustrated with the pressure I felt stacked on my psyche. Somehow, I suspected that not being able to fly was one of the bottom bricks. If you pull out the bottom supporting brick, everything will come crashing down. I desperately wanted to yank that bottom brick, but I couldn’t do it alone. Rainbow Dash was too strong a flyer to talk to about this sort of thing, so one day, I decided to go to Fluttershy’s cottage. No doubt that had started a rumor about me going spelunking in the Everfree Forest. It didn’t matter.
I had gotten to the door of her cottage and was about to knock on her door when I heard a beautiful voice singing on the other side. Even with the sound being muffled by the door, the singing brought about a sense of tranquility. The tune was like something used in a bittersweet melody, like the lyricist was recounting a past pain and looking towards a bright future. I felt connected to the tune. I had closed my eyes and swayed a little, losing myself in the song, when I inadvertently knocked on the door. With my face.
The singing abruptly stopped, and the door swung open with me falling into the doorway. I looked up to see Fluttershy’s concerned teal eyes. With a sheepish chuckle, I greeted, “Hey there, Fluttershy. Can we talk?” Her expression of concern transformed into a soft, empathetic smile.
Fluttershy made sure I was comfortable, and we had tea and little sandwiches. I had never had tea before. After my first impression, I could take or leave it. The sandwiches were good, though! Between periods of stuffing my face, I opened up to the older Pegasus with little prompting. I told her about how much I wanted to be like Rainbow Dash and how much it ate at me to not be able to fly. I confessed to hiding all my insecurities because I didn’t want other ponies to worry about me or feel sorry for me. I admitted to the amount of times I would go try stunts on my own, hoping I could get my wings to carry me on an adrenaline boost. Of course, those attempts were without success. I was a flood gate, freshly opened.
She was quiet through it all. It wasn’t until I took a moment of pause that she spoke up. She told me, “Honestly, I think that’s perfectly normal. Not that I’m a psychologist or anything…”
“Normal? Nothing about a Pegasus my age not being able to fly is normal! Before all this, I had hope, but now I’m worried I’ll never be able to touch the sky,” I blurted out in sheer surprise.
“You know, I was a weak flyer in flight school. I kept trying to be strong and steadfast, independent like Rainbow Dash. I didn’t have the natural ability,” Fluttershy began to elaborate. “I never went to such extreme measures—some of what you did sounds terrifying—but I remember questioning my own self-worth when my insecurities got the better of me. Wanna hear a secret?”
“Sure,” I replied, quizzical and curious.
“Every creature has insecurities, and a lot of them go to great lengths to keep them hidden. We’re all afraid of some truth being found because no creature wants to feel like they’re being judged when they don’t fit the mold. Another thing you should know is,” Fluttershy explained to me, “that you can find happiness in places where you wouldn’t even think to look.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, dumbstruck.
“Well, look at me. I’m from Cloudsdale, the Pegasus capital of these lands. I thought I could live up to a reputation that just wasn’t meant for me, but I ended up finding worthwhile work and something I love,” the timid mare replied as a squirrel climbed up her and nuzzled its cheek against hers.
There was a long silence as I let her words set in. Fluttershy made it clear that she was going to give me as much time as I needed.
“…You’re right,” I conceded. “It’s frustrating, sure, but I guess I can find happiness elsewhere.” It wasn’t what I wanted to hear or say, but I knew I needed to. Fluttershy nodded at me in approval. “Thanks, Fluttershy. This is going to take time for me to take in, but I can accept that I have a purpose in life, even if I never fly. Hey, can we, umm…do this more often?”
“Sure!” she approved. “I’ll make sure to make extra sandwiches next time.”
Fluttershy’s words have stuck with me ever since that day. I can honestly say I'm a changed mare, and I had no idea my late teens could be this peaceful. Spending time with Rainbow Dash and Rumble and the Crusaders, helping other ponies with their Cutie Mark problems, scooting around and doing fun tricks were all things that always made me happy. I never needed to be airborne for any of it. I’ve also discovered I have an aptitude for math, so maybe I can do something with that.
I am Scootaloo, and I look back at the times when my strife and insecurities ruled me, smiling in the knowledge that those times are all over now.
Author's Note
So I was listening to "All Over Now" by The Cranberries while I was at work when, out of nowhere, inspiration struck me! It's a song about moving past a difficult part in one's life. The song itself puts the theme of moving past hardships into the specific scenario of getting out of an abusive relationship, but one thing the Cranberries were very good at was using specific circumstances to convey more generalized and timeless themes.
Don't get me wrong; I want Scootaloo to fly and she deserves it! I couldn't help but remember, though, an interview Lauren Faust had when she was asked about Scootaloo. She said that her plan for her was to serve as a moral that we can find happiness even if life doesn't turn out the way we expect or want. This particular bit if information struck a chord with me in the past year. I used to be an engineering student at my institution, but, to make a long story short, it wasn't meant to be. Now I study criminology at my institution and I have to say I couldn't be happier. It's not at all where I thought my life was going to go, but I'm loving the field and the program.
To those who are going through a tough time, no matter the circumstances, hang in there. Even if it's not what you expect, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. When you clear this hurdle in your life, you can look back and say it's all over now.
