This Ain't Compendium: Hangover

Ponyville’s Streets

Nikolai and Derpy were walking through the streets of the town while she was delivering the last letters to the mailboxes. He was already desperate about the fact he wasn’t able to find the others.

“All right, we’re done here” she said after she put a letter on a mailbox.

“Your stupid idea sucked, Ditzy...”

“Derpy”

“Whatever. I haven’t seen any of those bastards around”

The gray Pegasus grinned and then she put her left hoof around his neck and pointed at several houses “there are still plenty of houses, houses everywhere”

“Lots of houses, but no vodka; how the hell am I supposed to satisfy my thirst?”

“Not to worry! I know the perfect place” she replied with her regular happy tone.

“Is it a tavern?”

“Erm... no”

“A distillery?”

“What’s that?”

“Then what are you talking about?”

“There’s an Inn nearby. They have a plenty of drinks and food”

“You said drinks?” his eyes shined and he smacked his lips “then we have no time to lose”

“And what about your friends, Nik?” she asked as she put a hoof on her chin.

“Screw friends, I got drinks”

“Okay! I’ll show you the way” she then started to fly clumsily to the place she mentioned and Nikolai followed her.

“She flies like she was drunk, like...” he thought “erm.. Well, none of my ex-wives. Bitches were too big to even jump”

After a few moments, both arrived at a wooden building. On its top there was the sign “Ponyville Inn: Food, drinks and beds”

“Well, that sounds wrong” Nikolai told her “In soviet Russia, drinks and beds are no good combo... Especially when there is only one woman”

The gray Pegasus, although she didn’t get what he tried to mean, laughed and put a hoof on her shoulder “Nik, you’re really funny”

“Funny? I’m not a fucking clown” she laughed even harder “well, you know life sucks when even a flying horse laughs at you” he then opened the door and walked to the counter. The other ponies looked at him either strange or confused “well, who serves drinks here?”

Derpy stood next to him and pointed at a stallion behind the counter, “it’s him. I guess his name is...”

“I asked for drink, not for name” he turned to him “hey you! I want a drink”

The stallion looked at him with dismiss and then at Derpy, he raised an eyebrow and then asked: “do you have bits to pay with?”

“Bits?” he replied indignantly “We have to pay for everything here too? In Motherland everything’s free... only big lines”

“Well, sir” he said drily “no bits, no drinks”

“Fuck you!” he turned back to the gray Pegasus “you got bits?” she declined with her head “now this is humiliating”

Suddenly, the sound of coins on the counter and a familiar voice saying “I invite him the first one” made him turn to his right and smile.

“Oh, look who it is” he said “the fancy horny horse... Hairity?”

“Rarity” she sighed “I knew you would be here, Nikolai” she then looked at his companion “oh, hello Derpy”

“Hi Rarity!” she replied and saluted her “I didn’t know you knew Nik. He’s very funny”

“I noticed” she turned back to the human “Anyway, I have something important to tell you, Nikolai”

“Then spill the beans” he replied as he took the glass filled with juice. He took a swig and then spilled it on her face “Ugh, what the hell is this crap?”

“It’s apple cider” the stallion replied.

“I said a drink! Something like vodka or even something with alcohol”

“I’m sorry, but we don’t serve those kinds of drinks here”

“What is this nonsense?” he turned back to Rarity “whatever you want to say, say it quickly. I’m in a hurry”

She stared at him as her face was still covered with the drink he spilled. He took a dry cloth with her magic and cleaned her face. “It must be in private” she said.

“Okay, no problem!” Derpy replied.

“I mean, only he and me” the gray Pegasus nodded her head. “And that means without you”

“Oh, okay” she replied slightly sad and then walked to a distance. Rarity then turned back to the human.

“Nikolai” she whispered “you didn’t tell anypony or anyone about what happened between us, right?”

“You mean the drinking game?” he said loudly. The other ponies turned to him briefly and then ignored him.

“Shh. I do not want anyone to find out about... what happened after that”

“You mean when you fainted on a puddle of your own vomit?”

“What? Ew, but I mean what happened after that”

“When the others helped me to carry you to your home?”

“After that”

“When the blue commie got hit with a bat and passed out after she broke through house she thought it was yours?”

“After that”

“When the purple horse was chocking after she ate a bunch of grapes... and I had to do a mouth-to-mouth breathing?”

“What?”

“Or when I had to take my pants off when your stupid cat attacked me? Pants and underwear”

“What!?” she said with great shock

“By the way, I’ll get you another cat... and a shovel... and basically a new garden”

Rarity could not reply anymore and just let him talk.

“And now that I think, you owe me one for putting you and blue commie on bed instead on cold floor”

The fancy Unicorn felt a relief after she heard that, “so, we didn’t have... Erm...”

“Not exactly” he interrupted “purple horse was horny... drunk and horny... it was either you two or me”

“And what happened?”

He stared at her “that’s a story Nikolai wants to forget with vodka... lots and lots of vodka”

“So you remember everything from last night?”

“Of course; I’m drunk all the time, I’m used to it”

Rarity instinctively hugged him and with a big grin she said: “you don’t know how much you have just helped me, Nikolai”

“Hey!” he said upset “you almost stab my eye with your horn”

“Ups, sorry” she then walked fast to the exit “I must tell the girls about this” and before he could reply, she walked out.

“Nikolai saved the day again. Weird, this time I wasn’t even trying” he then looked at the gray Pegasus and noticed she was looking at him, or trying to look at him, with a serious glimpse. He stood up from his place and approached to her. “Guess we must get going.”

“You really like hugs, don’t you?” she replied upset “especially from your “best friend””

“The hell do you mean?” he then smiled widely “you jealous?”

“No, I’m not, it’s just” she evaded her sight “I thought I was your best friend.”

“What’s so important about it?”

“Just look at me” she pointed at her eyes “do you think somepony would hang out with somepony with eyes like this?” He scratched his head and his face had an awkward glimpse.

“I don’t really know what you want to say, but in Soviet Russia...”

“Just please answer me” she interrupted. Her voice was trembling and her eyes were holding a tear.

“Okay!” he replied “I don’t really give a fuck about how others look” he smiled “if I’m with two bastards I don’t like and Dempsey, then you know what I mean”

“Really?” she said with hope.

“Of course, comrade! You might be a girly flying horse with weird eyes, but you were brave enough to stand in front of drunk Russian with no vodka and help him... like first wife”

“I’d like to say the same, but the others always try to evade me just like Rarity did. All I have is my daughter”

“Comrade Derpy” he put his hand on her shoulder and then pointed at the other ponies “does it really matter what those fuckers think?” he laughed “your daughter is like vodka: as long as it’s present, then others can screw themselves”

“Wow” she said surprised “I didn’t know you’d think like that” she then smiled “thank you, Nik”

“Thank me? For what?”

“For helping me”

“Help you?”

She giggled “you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever met”

“Ookay” he replied confused “guess telling everyone else to not to give a single fuck is best way to help. I’d drink to that if I had vodka”

The gray Pegasus then proceeded to stand up from her seat and walk to the door as Nikolai followed her. “Let’s keep going, Nik. It’s getting late and you have to find your friends”

“Yeah... friends” he said and then thought “I just want my vodka back... fucking big queen horse with her fucking magic powers fucking ruined my day”

They walked together through the town, heading to the places located outside the town.