Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night
***
What do you see when you look out that window?
She’s not coming back, you know.
What are you looking for? What can you possibly hope to find out there? Tell me.
“Winona! Dinner!”
Don’t look at me like that. I know you don’t care. I know you’ll eat when you’re good and ready. The sun will set, and you’ll just return to the window again when it rises.
Why?
You know? Don’t you? You’re a smart animal. She loved you. She loved both of us.
But she’s not coming back, you know.
I’m not asking you to be my dog. I’m not asking you to listen to me. This wasn’t my decision. You think I wanted this? You think she wanted this?
***
“Twilight Sparkle?”
“Yes, can I help you? This isn’t really a good time.”
“As the executor of the Apple Estate, it is my sworn duty to see that you receive this.”
“Executor? Do we have to do this now? I’m not really ready…”
“My apologies. While I do feel for your loss, this particular clause of the will I am unable to postpone. Please try to understand, I would not come so soon unless it were not specified so.”
“I really can’t do this right now. I just can’t yet…”
“I must insist. It is out of my hooves.”
“Fine. Get it over with so I can grieve in peace.”
“Ahem. To the care of Twilight Sparkle, I leave my beloved dog, Winona.”
“The dog?”
“The dog.”
*Woof!*
“She also wanted me to give you this at this time. I am unaware of the letter’s contents, but my instructions specifically stated it be delivered unsealed to you in the event of her passing. Again, I apologize for the inconvenience. There is more for us to discuss, but I do believe the rest can wait until you’ve had some time to adjust. Again, I am sorry for your loss. Good day.”
“Wait!”
“Yes?”
“What about the rest of her family? Why not them?”
“My instructions were to leave her with you.”
“What am I supposed to do with her?”
*whimper*
“That, I cannot say. The extent of my instructions was to leave the dog in your care. I am sorry I can not advise you further in such matters. Good day.”
***
There’s nothing out there.
I’m talking to you, dog.
“Winona! Come eat your food!”
Don’t make me say it again, dog. Are you loyal, or simply stupid? It’s not a matter of hope. Hope is for when they’re still around. Hope doesn’t do you any good when they’re already gone.
I didn’t ask for this. If you must live under my roof, at least listen to me. You listened to her. I listened to her. I never missed a word.
But what good does that do me now?
***
Twilight,
I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say in this letter, to be honest. Celestia willing, you’ll never have to read it. Not that I’m hoping I outlive you or nothing, it’s just…
I have to find a way to say it honestly. So that no matter when it is that this letter is read, whether it be tomorrow or decades from now, you know that it’s the honest truth.
***
There. Are you happy? The sun is set. Another day spent staring out the window.
And still she doesn’t come back to you. To me.
Don’t you get it? Aren’t you lonely?
Because I am.
Eat your food, dog.
“That’s a good girl, Winona.”
You’re not listening to a word I’m saying, are you? You’ll be right back in front of the window before the sun rises, won’t you?
I’m all you got now, Winona. Will you realize that? I know I’m not her, but I can love you just the same.
Honest.
***
I can’t predict the future. I can only fill this note with the past and present. What you’ve made me feel, and how I feel right now. That’s why I have to write this now, so if one day, the worst should occur, you’ll always know.
But also, I write because I’m afraid of what I might leave behind should such a tragedy occur. This is… my contingency plan.
You are something special to me, Twilight Sparkle, but she is a Mare’s Best Friend. Please, should it come to pass that this letter is in your hooves, and not a pile of ash, I ask that you care for her, as you have for me.
Love her, and she will love you back.
***
Your fur, it’s so mangled. If you’re going to spend all day staring out the window, at least groom yourself while you do it.
“Winona! Come!”
At least let me do it for you. You can’t see anything out that window anymore. Not today. Even if the impossible were to happen, all you would see is darkness.
When did you become so messy? You should take better care of yourself. There are knots all over your coat. This is going to take me all night to get them out, and it’s going to hurt.
Do you even feel pain anymore? Is that why you stare out that window? Even now, while you lay in my hooves?
How can you be so disheveled, so dirty, so unkempt, but still, so soft to the touch?
Just like her.
***
You and her have a lot in common. I know you wouldn’t think so, but it’s true. It must be, if I’m the one saying it.
I wish I could tell you what to do. How to understand her. But that will have to come with time. She’ll grow to love you as she loves me. You might not see it at first, but it’s there. All dogs, Winona included, know from the moment they meet you if you’re a friend or foe, and they stay loyal to those feelings forever.
We can learn a lot from them, if we just watch them.
Will you watch her?
***
There. Crisis averted. Return to your post, dog. I can feel you squirming, but the window isn’t going anywhere, and neither is she.
I just don’t get you. I thought dogs were able to tell when their masters were in distress. You’re too late dog. She’s not your master anymore. I’m not saying that I need to be your master, but can’t you see that I’m in distress?
You’re not the only one who feels alone right now.
Listen to me!
“What is it, Winona?”
*whine*
There’s nothing out there, you stupid mutt. There never will be. Give up already. Move on!
But I don’t want to move on. I just want to go back. I want to see her one more time. What right do I have to tell you what to do, if it makes me into a hypocrite?
You’re no better than me, dog.
And she was so much better than both of us.
***
I always thought dogs were smarter than they let on. Winona is proof of that. In most ways, she’s honestly smarter than me. I can only understand what she lets me understand.
It’s a bond we share.
But it’s not the kind of bond I can easily put into words. I can tell you that it’s far different than what you and Spike share. There isn’t a language barrier between you two. It’s not like the bond you and I share either, for obvious reasons.
We simply feel for each other. We know when the other needs us. We know when trouble is ahoof. It isn’t some kind of sixth sense or anything. It’s just a matter of being there for each other.
She won’t let on, but she’ll know. So be there for her when I am gone.
***
These books know nothing. Thousands of years of lessons passed down, and they know nothing of loss. Of grief.
They tell me how I’m supposed to feel, but they’re wrong. They don’t know what this feels like.
Bargaining? Denial? Where do those fit in? Denial simply wastes my time, and no amount of bargaining will bring her back. Depression? Life is depressing. How does this change that?
I was angry. I am angry.
But this isn’t acceptance.
I am lost.
They don’t say anything about that in the books.
Whenever I was lost, I could turn to her. It was the same for you, wasn’t it, dog?
Now who do we have? Each other? You hardly acknowledge I exist. I’m treated like some nurse at your bedside. There for you when you’re hungry or injured, but sent away when I’m not needed.
I want to be there for you, dog. And I need you here for me.
“Winona, are you ok?”
Because I’m not.
***
There’s more to this than Winona though. I want you to remember how much you mean to me right now. I may not know what fate will bring this letter to you, but I know when it does, this will still ring true.
I love you, Twilight Sparkle.
As sure as apples grow on trees, I love you.
I loved you from the day I met you. I love you still today. I will love you long after both of us are gone from this world.
I don’t need to tell you this. I’ll be spending the rest of my days making sure you know with every waking moment how much I love you.
But one day, this letter might be all you have left to remind you of that, so I have to say it right.
I will love you more tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.
When we met, I was but an honest pony.
But you made me an honest mare.
***
I’m so tired.
Tired of crying. Tired of all these days that pass, unchanging. Tired of waiting for you to come lick the tears from my hooves. Tired of watching you stare out that damn window.
But rest does me no good. I will wake up tomorrow, and she’ll still be gone. You’ll still be there. You’ll still be looking for something that isn’t there.
I wish I could be as naïve as you. I wish I could ignore all that’s happened.
I wish she had never loved me.
Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much. Maybe then I could move on. Maybe then…
“Winona! Time for bed!”
I’m so very tired.
***
Do you remember when I first told you? The smile on your face, it could have moved mountains. I should have enjoyed that smile a while longer before I kissed you like a lovesick foal. And afterwards, your smile only grew, as did mine.
Whatever happens, never lose that smile. I’m sure if you’re reading this, now might not be the time, but find the way to smile again. Day by day, you’ll find it again. Just think of then. Think of us.
And smile. Smile for the times we shared. Smile for the sake of smiles past. Smile because you’ll always be loved. Smile because it’s easy. Smile because there’s always a reason to.
Smile because I love you.
***
It doesn’t get easier. It never does. She was honest, but she was wrong.
I can’t remember that smile. That kiss. All I can remember now is the last time I saw her.
I was like you, dog. I thought she’d be coming back. I held onto hope like a fool. I had to learn to ‘accept’ it.
What the hell does that mean? Accept? Like I had a choice! Who would choose this? She made me happy! She made me smile! She loved me.
I loved her.
Why didn’t I tell her that more? I made lists. I always made sure that was at the top. I always made sure it was fulfilled.
But still. I wish I had told her more.
Get in the damn bed, dog.
“Good night, Winona.”
Don’t make me sleep alone again. It used to be all three of us in here. I used to have no room to breathe. Now I can breathe, but I’d rather suffocate than spend another night without both of you next to me.
Please, get in the bed, dog.
I’m not her. I’m not trying to replace her. I just don’t want to be alone.
***
I can’t thank you enough for how you’ve changed my life, Twilight. I can’t put into words what you’ve done; how much my heart has grown since we met. I want to fill page after page with words that will help guide you when I’m gone. I just want something to help you remember what we had.
But those words are hard to come by.
Words don’t begin to describe what we’ve already had, or what we will have for the rest of our lives. We have memories to cover the holes that words leave behind. We have our feelings, our friendship, our love. We have magic. We have honesty. We have each other.
And even though I’m not there right now, those feelings are still there, aren’t they?
You are strong, Twilight Sparkle. You will survive this. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now, nor do I want to. But I know you’re stronger than you think. You don’t need to go the easy route. You don’t need to give up.
You can be there for somepony who needs you.
Or somedog.
***
Why can’t I sleep?
No. Why do I ask that question, when I already know the answer?
I never realized how big this bed was. I slept in it alone at one time. Long ago. But it never felt this big then.
Or this cold.
… Dammit!
*THUNK* *CRACK*
Good. That bedpost was old. Now I have a reason to replace the bed. Didn’t even hurt.
What are you looking at, dog?
“Go back to sleep, Winona.”
I’m fine.
… No I’m not. That didn’t last. Perhaps break something else?
That lamp makes me think of her.
*CRASH*
These curtains too.
*RIIIIP*
That damn window...
*SHATTER*
That got your attention, didn’t it, dog? Now you can see clearly. Nothing out there.
Nothing in here.
Go back to sleep, dog.
***
I can only be as honest as words will let me now. My feelings are limited by my vocabulary. This is not prose. This is not poetry. This is me. And this doesn’t end with me. Nor does it end with you.
But it ends when we say it does. When we stop learning.
And we have so much to learn.
I just hope that I’ve taught you something as well.
***
Do you hate the sunrise as much as I do? No, of course you don’t. You’re going to march back up to that busted window any minute now.
Now they are static to me. Just there to remind me what it felt like to wake up next to her. Now it just forces me to see how empty this room is.
This room is a mess. Did I do this?
“Wake up, Winona.”
It’s time to start the day, dog. The window awaits.
Dog?
…
Were you always this cold?
***
This is enough sadness for me. I must return to you. Enjoy the time we have.
I have to make sure to live my life right, so if and when you read this, it will make sense.
I’m not saying it will make sense right away, but give it time. Find the lesson in all of this. Find the reason to keep living. Find something to care about. Find something to learn from.
You were always a better student than a teacher.
Winona should be a good start.
Let her teach you.
And live. Because you still have much to learn.
***
Don’t leave me like this.
Don’t you dare do this to me!
Help me clean up this mess. Help me mend the shattered remnants of my life.
Show me what I have to learn. I’m listening.
Don’t make me say it. I can’t feel anything anymore. How am I supposed to know what it ever meant?
Don’t make me say it.
“I love you, Winona.”
Don’t make me say it again, dog.
I just want to know. Don’t go without telling me. Tell me that you knew. Tell me it hurt you as much as it hurt me. Show me what you were looking for out that window.
Because I want to see it too.
