Expecting Expectations

by ROBCakeran53

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Royal Guard, Raven Inkwell, Princess Celestia, Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Romance
Length: 17035

Celestia wakes up with a minor hangover. The castle has no running water. Her fiance is a human named Mark. Life's grand!

After a rowdy party in celebration of Princess Celestia and the human Mark’s engagement, all things should be back to normal… should, being the keyword there. No running water in the castle is only the start of the downward spiral. Much love, many laughs, and too much of a good thing are about to put everypony over the edge.

Lots of talk about sex, but nothing explicit.

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Cover art is by the wonderfully talented artist Silfoe without permission, so if there are any issues feel free to yell at me to remove it!

This is a gift for none other than the wonderful Little Big Pony! I hope you enjoy it, you’ve written some amazing stories, and I hope you keep up the trend. Pre-read and edited by the amazing Pascoite and wonderfully astute Fregz.

Box of Shame, M on, top position 3/5/2020. RIP.

Published 2020-03-05 17:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-27 14:24:11 UTC

1: The Morning After

After about fifteen hundred years of ruling a nation, almost twenty-four seven, one would imagine the day to day of Princess Celestia’s life to be chaotic and manic. The truth was, ninety-nine percent of her days were well handled and tended to fix themselves with little effort on her own part, with the occasional small push here and there. Her little ponies were easy to lead onto the right path, and strong encouragement usually set them the right way.

Today, however, was to be that one percent, and her little ponies were about to push her past a breaking point.

It all started as any day does: with the raising of the sun.

Luna’s voice broke Celestia from her slumber. “Sister, it is time.”

Celestia’s eyes, dry and full of dust, barely registered that her sister was standing inside her room, looking upon the bundle of blankets, pillows, and plush figures strewn about and trying to pick out an alicorn in the pile.

With a knowing smirk, Luna played ignorant to the human leg sticking out off to the side.

“Good morn, Tia. It is time to raise thy sun.”

Celestia huffed, her mane blowing from her face. With a golden glow of her horn, she began her sun’s slated course. Luna had told her ages ago the raising of her moon was akin to a Jack in the Box. Constantly cranking the lever, until the moon popped out, and there it stayed until it was time for the sun.

Celestia’s sun, however, was a slow crawl, going from one side of the horizon to the other. Much like the bed-maned alicorn who fought awareness, it wanted no more than to go back to sleep. The adverse aftermath of one too many margaritas.

Behind Luna, their trusted servant/guardian/foal sitter/father figure Kibitz strode in.

“Good morning, Your Majesties,” said Kibitz, floating a cup of coffee to Luna. “It’s decaf.”

Luna rolled her eyes, but took a drink anyway.

Another cup, along with the morning paper, landed on Celestia’s bedside table.

“Earl Grey, steaming hot, and any articles worth note highlighted(*) by importance, but of course opened to the funny pages for your immediate enjoyment. Although I am sorry to report they replaced the Garfield comics again.”

Celestia pouted. “Oh, not Garfield. He always brightens up my mornings.” She rolled around in bed. “What took his place?”

“Marmaduke, I believe.”

Celestia let out a raspberry, while Luna clopped her hooves.

“Oh, the entertaining dog! Yes, We shall read it before We go to bed.” With her magic, Luna removed the one page of the paper, much to the protest of Kibitz.

“Princess, please, you mustn’t…”

With a sigh, Celestia sat up in her bed, rubbing her eyes, her mane and tail a tangled mess. Ignoring the banter between her sister and Kibitz as the two chased around her room, she stepped down, catching her sister in a hug and a goodnight kiss. “That is fine, you may take the comics page. I think I can wait another day to read Li’l Abner.”

“Huzzah! See, trusted steed, We are victorious!”

“But… Your Majesties… there’s something you—”

Celestia calmly walked past and ignored her sputtering scheduling advisor. Her first stop for the morning was the bathroom, before any further interruptions. With a click of the latch, Celestia was alone in the confines of her spacious bathroom. First thing first, the water needed time to warm up, so allowing her time to relieve herself. Afterwards, Celestia could begin to get out her soaps and conditioners, ready to start the day off right.

Instead, the pipe let out a gurgle, and a single drop of water fell into the tub.

There was a knock on the bathroom door, followed by Kibitz’s voice. “I’m sorry, Your Majesty. The water system is down, and the repair ponies are working on it. I’ve instead called in your groomer to freshen you up. With any luck, I’ll have a fifteen-minute gap opened up by noon so you may clean before holding court.”

With a dejected sigh, Celestia went to brush her teeth, but froze.

Right. No water. Very well.

Having lived for so long, Celestia knew the everyday commodities that ponies took for granted today were but a scarcity growing up. If anything, she knew how to adapt, change, and above all else, survive.

She applied her toothpaste, then began to brush vigorously. Another wave of magic came to life, and she went for her bubble-gum-flavored mouthwash, but found the bottle empty.

“Drats,” she hissed, sending toothpaste specks onto her mirror.

Luckily, her prince-to-be-consort’s mouthwash was there, although she hated his tastes, or lack thereof. The burn of alcohol, he would constantly advise, meant that it was working and to embrace the pain. She could not meet with nobles and guests with breath holding the traces of mixed drinks and… human flavors; this would be one of those mornings to embrace the pain.

One minute later, thirty of those seconds in misery using the burning, evil mouthwash, she exited; sister and Kibitz were replaced by a thestral maid and earth pony groomer. Normally, Celestia was all for taking care of herself, but with rough nights that bleed into the morning like today, she was thankful to know she had the staff willing to aid.

Her bed was, mostly, made up, ignoring the lump of one human consort. The maid went to take her leave, but with a hoof Celestia halted the mare. She walked over to the one leg hanging off the bed edge, his bare foot giving the occasional twitch saying: I’m awake, but don’t want to be, so let me pretend I’m asleep.

With one long, wet lick from heel to big toe, Celestia was sure her two staff ponies were struggling to look away while also ready to watch the madness unfold.

It was spectacular, either way she looked at it.

The heap of human shuddered, bolted out of bed, got tangled in the once-mostly-tidied blanket, and fell to the ground in a heap and loud thud.

“Don’t do that! I hate when you lick my foot like that, you damned giant—”

“Language, Mark. We are not alone.”

“What?” Mark struggled to escape the blanket, his head poking through an edge, and saw the maid and groomer both fighting back giggles.

“Women…” Mark rolled his eyes. “Mares, whatever. You’re all against me.”

She planted a kiss on his head, then moved towards a stool in the center of the room and sat.

“Oh, my love, there is no water, so you’re going to have to do your best without.”

“What? Did you use it all again?”

Celestia blushed. “I did no such thing, nor have I ever! Do not start such rumors around our staff!”

“Well excuse me, but how else am I going to clean off the smell of a giant white horse?”

“You are my human, therefore you should smell like me. Don’t you agree, Glow?”

The groomer nodded with a smile. “Of course, Princess. My husband always has my scents on him. It lets other mares know he is mine, so no touching.”

Celestia turned her head. “See? No problems.”

With a grumble, Mark wrapped the blanket around himself like an improvised tunic, and dragged it into the bathroom, with a slam of the door behind him. Seconds later, the blanket was thrown out, landing on top of the maid.

“Oh, the smell!” she cried, struggling to escape.

Both Celestia and Glow giggled, and with a golden glow, the blanket was raised off the incapacitated pony, finding itself folded up, and placed onto the laundry cart.

“Yes, it probably does need a good cleaning after last night.”

The maid replaced a new set of linens, a red blush on her face, changing pillow cases and freshening up the flower vase, all in a matter of seconds and a few beats of her leather like wings. Meanwhile, Glow began combing Celestia’s mane, brush in her mouth, and continued to fight back giggles.

Stepping out of the bathroom finally, Mark wore only a pair of boxers – covered in little suns with smiley faces and sunglasses – and a white t-shirt. “Well, I feel marginally better.”

“Yes, I see – owch – you do.” Celestia flinched as another knot was caught and slowly worked out.

Mark looked on with a grin. “I’m so glad I keep my hair short.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Now if only I could convince you to get rid of that horrid goatee.”

“What? What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s soo out of fashion.”

“Is not! Slaves, agree with me!”

“Ipths ubly,” mumbled Glow, brush still in her mouth.

“I despise facial hair on a stallion,” agreed the maid, eyeing up Mark. With a whisper she added, “Uniforms, however…”

“Traitors! I’m not a stallion, so you can’t compare!”

“Could have—yeowch! Fooled me last night,” Celestia struggled to keep her sly grin up, while tears ran down her cheeks.

“Sphorry, Phrinshesh.”

“It’s quite alright, Glow. I know my mane is always a tangled mess without a hot soak.”

Mark shook his head, making his way towards the wardrobe.

The maid opened it, pulling out two already prepared ensembles.

“Damn it, Ensemble, stop going through my clothes!”

The maid, Ensemble, blushed. “I’m sorry, sir. You just have no sense of fashion.”

“Celly! Make your maid stop being mean to me!” Mark whined.

“Ensemble, stop going through my eventual husband’s clothes. I know you enjoy his musk(1), but please find a stallion of your own.”

Ensemble pouted, but Mark gave the mare a pat on the head, and grabbed the hanger on her left from her hoof grasp. Smiling, she replaced the other, closed the wardrobe, and walked to her laundry cart, giving Mark’s leg a flick of her tail.

“If that is all, Princess. Consort Mark.” With a bow and subtle wink, she pushed the cart along and she was gone.

Mark sat on the edge of the bed, putting on his socks. “You really should get her hooked up with a guard before we wake up to a threesome.”

“We have tried. Multiple times.” Celestia winced, Glow having moved to her tail where some of the worse knots were. At Glow’s hesitation, Celestia let out a huff. “At pairing her with a guard, not the other thing.”

Glow fought back her blush, combing Celestia’s dock, but grunted in agreement.

Once done with her tail, Glow brought out the currycomb and began on the princess’ coat. Thankful for no more winces, Celestia brought over her tea and paper within her magic, and skimmed the highlighted articles of interest, although minus one missing page. No yellow, thank Faust.

There was a pause in Glow’s brushing, nearing her rear, but Celestia chalked it up to the groomer being shy of touching the royal flanks. She’d been in this position for five years, and still worried about it.

However, a firm hand grabbed one cheek, while the other, with currycomb in it, continued brushing.

“Mark, love, you’re going to put Glow here out of a job if you keep doing that.”

“What can I say? I can’t keep my hands off these delicious, cake-plumped flanks.”

Celestia froze, the paper, and its articles, forgotten as she rolled it into a tube.

Things in Canterlot are calm. I can go a day without reading the boring news...

She slowly turned to Mark, a combination of a grin and glare on her face. Ignoring all of this, he continued to comb, a dumb smile on his face.

Glow, for her credit, had felt the temperature spike and hastily scurried out of the bedroom suite with her supply cart and soft click of the closing door, sans one currycomb that could easily be replaced.

Some time later Celestia stepped out of her room, mane slightly disheveled. Mark, right behind her, followed out with his shirt untucked and one shoe still unlaced.

“You know, we really need a safe word.” Mark kneeled down, tying the laces as best he could.

“Until you came around, I never had the need for one.” Celestia watched Mark stand, and with a flare of her magic, tucked in his shirt.

Mark took a step forward and ran his hands through her mane to try and straighten out the few freshly formed knots.

“True. Do you think anypony will notice the small scalp of fur on your right flank? I didn’t realize a curry comb could get stuck like that.”

Celestia sighed. “It will have to be. Just because I’m an alicorn princess doesn’t mean I’m not just another pony, who has the same problems as others.”

“Well, there’s one problem you got that they’ll never have.”

“Oh? And what is that?”

With a quick stolen kiss, Mark turned to leave. “Me. See you around lunch time.” With a wave of his hand, he walked down the hall, a pegasus guard hastily joining in line beside her human.

Celestia smiled and turned down the opposite direction, her own guard, a stout earth pony, following along.

“Good morning, Hank.”

“Princess. How are you this beautiful morning?”

“Sore, but in good ways.”

“I did not need to know that, Princess.”

“I know, but I’ll get a reaction out of you one of these days.”

“I’d be flattered if I could afford to give such emotions.” With a cough, he continued, “Sir Kibitz is waiting for you in your study. Would you like me to have breakfast brought to you there?”

“Isn’t that a task for Raven?”

“She has taken ill, I’m afraid, and is running late. Something about having too much to do with a Miranda.”

Celestia snickered. “Oh, the poor thing.”

“I did not know she was seeing anypony.”

A giggle escaped Celestia. “Oh Hank, never stop being you.”

“Discord willing, I shall continue to be me.”

Stopping at the study, Hank knocked once, then opened the door to allow Celestia entrance, and quickly took his position at the door side. With a curt nod, Celestia entered, and Hank closed it behind her.

Kibitz sat at Celestia’s desk, in his own seat, and continued to go through a list.

“Kibitz, so glad to see you’re recovered well from last night's activities.”

“Yes, Your Majesty. Shame Raven was not.”

“She will be fine, so long as she makes court.”

“I will see to it,” Kibitz said, then made room for Celestia to sit in her chair. “I presume you went through the morning’s paper?”

With a practiced smile, Celestia nodded. “Oh, yes, all is well.”

Kibitz blinked. “It… is?”

Caught off guard at his hesitation she was about to question him, but after last night’s party, even he was allowed some break in character.

“Yes, why wouldn’t it be?”

“Well, I just… that is to say, Consort Mark… and you…” Grumbling, Kibitz straightened up his collar and let out a huff, checking off a mark on his clipboard. “Very well, I shall begin writing up the announcement papers for this afternoon’s press conference.”

“Oh, how I despise the Monday press conference.”

“Shall we cancel it today? Give you another day to… properly make your announcements?”

“No, there was a reason I made it on Mondays. Get it done and over with.”

“Very well, Your Majesty.”

Getting herself comfortable, Celestia readied her quills, ink, and parchment as she liked them, however a thought occurred.

“Now, before we get into my activities for the day, what of Mark?”

“What of him?” he raised a brow.

“With you assiting me and Raven indisposed, I can only imagine what torture activities do you have in store for him.”

Kibitz raised a hoof to his chest in mock shock. “You say it as though I get some sick satisfaction from parading him around Canterlot, pushing him into groups of nobles and house politics.”

“No, of course not. That’s Luna’s fun.”

“Verily. Ahem, until Miss Raven returns to your side, I shall aid you, so Consort Mark is on his own until your lunch date.”

“Oh my, his first solo trip around the castle? Did you give him a list of what not to say?”

In his magic, a list was placed in front of Celestia. Celestia looked it over briefly. “Yes, his guard, Composite, has been briefed on what he is doing this morning, and has all the needed papers to make sure Mark does not do anything…”

“Foolish. Dumb.”

“I would say childlike, but I’ve already got two of those.”

“Oh hush, you.” Celestia gave a playful slap of her wing on the old unicorn’s back, causing his spectacles to nearly fly off.

Kibitz composed himself. “Ahem, before we become further off track. You have a meeting with Prince Blueblood later this morning about another budget proposal.”

“Figures.”

There was a knock, and Kibitz looked on with alarm. “Oh dear, that’s breakfast.”

“What’s the matter with that?”

“Well, since we’re running behind, I shifted around some things, and you’re having breakfast with—”

The door opened, and in walked Shining Armor.

“Captain Armor!” Celestia jumped from her seat to hug her nephew-in-law, a squeal escaping the trapped stallion.

Then a smell greeted her, and behind him was a food cart.

“Oh, and breakfast! How delightful.” She released the poor pony, and brought in the cart with her magic.

“Good morning, Celestia. It’s a fine morning, isn’t it? Kibitz asked if I could bump up our trade agreement while over breakfast, and I thought it would be enjoyable.”

“Always is, with my former Captain of the Royal Guard.”

With Kibitz’s magic, a table was cleared, and the two ponies sat down to eat while discussing trade between the Crystal Empire and the rest of Equestria. It was a good hour before conversation began drifting from business to personal matters.

“It seems to be getting harder and harder to get good produce up there that isn’t all… crystally.”

Celestia let out a laugh. “No, I’m afraid not. We should be able to push some things ahead for you, Shining.”

“That would be great.”

A cough from Kibitz later, Shining looked to Celestia with a nervous gaze. “S-so, how is Mark?”

“Oh, he’s doing just fine,” Celestia said, pretending to not notice the two stallion’s interaction. “I would have loved him to join us for breakfast, but a prince-to-be has tasks as well.”

“Right, right.” Shining pulled on the collar of his uniform. “So… uh…”

Deciding to help the stallion out, Celestia said, “How is dear little Flurry Heart?”

Shining Armor let out a held breath, grateful. “Oh, she’s still getting into trouble. I don’t know if I was such a rascal when I was her age, but if so, I feel pity for Mom and Dad.”

“Mhm. You were always on your best behavior around me, especially once little Twilight became my protegee.”

“Of course. I wanted to be a guard, and—”

“Ahem.”

Both ponies looked to Kibitz. Celestia raised a brow, but Shining tried his best to avoid direct eye contact.

“Right. That thing.” Shining turned back to Celestia, pushing his empty plate towards the center of the table.

Then took a long drink of water.

Then started to fumble with his napkin, before Kibitz’s magic yanked it away from the stallion with a fierce glare.

Shining gulped. “So… did you read the paper this morning, Celestia?”

“Why yes, I did. Good things happening in Canterlot, no fires needing to be put out.”

“Yes, and one article in particular…?”

“Hrm?”

“Well, the one about you and Mark’s—”

Suddenly, the study door slammed open, an irate Blueblood storming in followed by a overly calm Hank the guard.

“Sorry, Princess, Captain Armor, but Prince Blueblood said it was urgent he enter,” said Hank with all the enthusiasm of being swallowed by a boa constrictor.

“Yes, I was told you were meeting with Prince Shining Armor, over a trade deal without me.”

“Well, yes, because this has nothing to do with you,” Celestia said with a smile.

“Outrageous! I am your legal financial advisor(2), and I cannot have you throwing countless bits into a kingdom within our kingdom!”

Shining Armor sighed, although more grateful for the topic change. “Here we go…”

Blueblood brought over his own chair and took a seat at the table, facing the two. With a wave of Celestia’s hoof, Hank bowed and exited, closing the door.

Blueblood floated over a single bagel and took a small nibble. “Normally I’d rather be in my own study for our meetings, but no sense in wasting time bringing two ponies there when I could come here.”

“Sensible, Blue,” Celestia said with a forced smile.

“Princess! You should know not to call me such pet names around guests!”

“Shining Armor is my nephew—”

“In law!” Blueblood protested.

“—and therefore counts as family, such as yourself.”

“As former Captain of the Royal Guard, he is also an employee of the crown, and now prince of a foreign nation, therefore making him a guest.”

Shining Armor ran a hoof down his face, eyes bloodshot. Giving Celestia a look, he shook his head in surrender.

“Very well, my apologies, Prince Blueblood.” Celestia’s voice dripped venom.

“Apology accepted, Princess.” Not that he would notice any, his blood poisonous already.

Not one for decorum since wedding Cadance, then managing a whole kingdom, followed by raising Flurry Heart, Shining Armor placed both hooves on the table. “Okay, now that I’ll never get those last five minutes back in my mortal life, can we please move on? Cady is waiting for me to wrap this up and—”

“Oh heavens no, Prince Armor. We have much to discuss.” With a burst of magic, a large stack of papers appeared on the table, all the foodstuffs, plates, and even their glasses of water vanishing, followed by a ruckus of crashing dishes outside the door.

“Now, about the tax on those crystal berries…”

Two hours later, Celestia was beginning to think staying in bed was the right thing to have done. Or sent Mark in her stead and watched the fireworks from her balcony. He was so much like Luna at times it was scary, but his compassionate side made up for his brash behaviour and foul mouth when it seemed to come out.

Plus the sex was just that damned good.

She was just so glad that their conflicting minds didn’t drive a wedge in their relationship. If anything, it bonded them further, although it was a rough, shaky start.

“So, after an increase of point zero one two percent annually, on your side, Armor, then an increase of point zero one five on ours, your new kingdom shall still prosper respectively, while also helping compensate the crowns for the extra reserve guards, extra time for pushed-up training courses, and drawing in approximately five guards out of retirement to assist with said training, we should be compensated in a matter of a few centuries.”

Comparatively, Shining Armor looked like he was ready to just outright murder somepony. A white unicorn, to be more exact.

If Celestia didn’t say anything soon, the popping vein on Shining Armor’s forehead was going to burst.

“Well, dear nephew, I think that’s fair. Would you be willing to draw up the paperwork?”

The very idea of Blueblood drawing up paperwork was a nightmare in itself, but there was one positive outcome that at the current moment outweighed the future editing and spike in price of red ink.

“Why, of course, Auntie! I shall begin drawing the pages posthaste!” His horn glowed as all the strewn papers disappeared, and with a bow, Blueblood took his leave.

The whole time, Shining Armor did not move, and barely blinked. Upon Blueblood’s departure, Hank walked in with a pink plush pillow, embroidered with a blue crystal heart.

Celestia watched in rapt fascination as Hank closed the door, walked up to Shining Armor, hoofed over the pillow, and turned around so he was back to back with the former Captain.

Hank motioned to his side. “Princess, if you could join me, please.”

Brow raised, Celestia joined Hank, back to her nephew-in-law, and waited.

The next thing she heard was a new sound to her. It was like the motor of a zeppelin going rampant, out of control and only getting louder, but shoved into a glass ship bottle, corked closed, so the sound was muffled.

At the very last second, there was a muffled, high-pitched shriek, and all was quiet. The pink pillow was floated back to Hank, now covered in what Celestia figured to be saliva, and with a salute the guard left the room.

Celestia turned back to her nephew-in-law, the popping vein gone, and a warm smile on his face.

“Sorry about that, Celestia. I knew there was one large, white-and-gold-haired reason that the Crystal Empire was worth the distance from home.”

Giggling, Celestia asked, “And no pestering of the parents?”

Shining shrugged. “Well, they got Flurry. Pressure’s off my back, but Twiley, on the other hoof…”

Celestia went silent. “No. I would not allow a stallion to even get near her.”

Both looked at each other, then burst into a laughter fit.

After several seconds, another knock on the door, and Hank entered.

“Princess, Captain, both Consort Mark and Princess Mi Amo—”

“Hank, please don’t call me by my full name.”

“—And Princess Cadance.”

Knowing the guard for so long, Celestia caught there was a sigh in there, but Hank was one not to show outward emotions when on duty.

That was when Celestia had a thought. One she needed to share with Cadence when they were alone.

Hank continued. “They’re wondering if you would like to remain in the study for lunch or head off to the dining hall?”

Celestia and Shining Armor shared a glance.

“If it’s all the same, Celestia, I’d like to leave this room.”

“Agreed. Hank, let them know we shall convene in the dining hall.”

“Yes, Princess.” Hank turned around, flanks still in the study. “Princess Celestia wishes to meet in the dining hall.”

With an audible clop, Celestia’s gold-clad hoof found her forehead.

Lunch was always a wonderful meal for Celestia. Breakfast and dinner were better, because she got to share the time with her sister, but lunch was the only time that she spent it with all the important ponies in her life. Friends, family, castle staff. It was a special time for special ponies, the castle staff would rotate shifts so that everypony in the palace would have lunch one day of the week with Celestia and those closest to her. And the best part?

The nobles hated it, and stayed as far away as possible. Well, most did… Fancy Pants and his wife, Fleur, were good company and frequented lunch(3) a few times a month.

Today, Celestia and Mark were sharing lunch with Princess Cadance, Prince Shining Armor, Kibitz, a very hungover Raven, and upon her insistence, Royal Guard Hank and maid Ensemble.

The two seats to Celestia’s right had been reserved for a couple of Saddle Arabian visitors staying in the castle, but apparently they had canceled some weeks ago. The seats, however, were still “reserved” in the sense that Celestia said they were until she said they weren’t.

“Oh here, Hank, Ensemble, please have a seat.”

And it was at that very moment when she offered them to the Royal Guard and maid, respectively, Cadence gave Celestia a sly smirk at the seating placement. She knew well enough of the two very single ponies, all the while Celestia playing shocked that she would insinuate anything.

Celestia raised a hoof to her chest. “I mean really, Cadence, what do you take me for?”

Cadence looked over to her husband, then her future uncle.

Mark shrugged, hands up. “I have no comment. I rather enjoy sleeping in her large, oversized bed instead of the couch.”

Patting his head with a wing, Celestia beamed. “That’s a good prince-consort.”

“Plus she apparently likes to rub herself all over me so I smell like her. I also smell horrible because we didn’t have any running water.”

That pat became a harmless slap, and Mark was quick to grab the wing and give it a kiss before she could pull it back to her side.

“Yeah, I did find it odd that the water was out,” Cadence mused, happily munching on her salad.

“These things happen,” Celestia said. “When he first joined Shining and me, I thought Blueblood was sitting at the far end of our table in the study to keep an eye on us, but after a while…”

“Aha ha ha!” Mark burst into laughter. “You two stunk to high Hell! Owch!”

Celestia retracted her wing once more, glaring at Mark. “YOU didn’t shower either, you know.”

“Yeah, but I’m a guy, and I’m a human. We naturally just smell bad all the time. Your little ponies haven’t invented deodorant yet(4).”

“Nor do we really see the need. We rely on scents and sweat for all manner of tasks.”

“This nose knows that we all just smell bad.” Mark waved a hand, fanning away the smell.

Celestia dabbed a napkin on her lips. “Miss Raven, could you make sure there is an extra pillow and blanket on my lounge tonight? I have a hunch the space will be needed.”

Raven Inkwell nodded, fork still hovering in front of her face, her food cold, and mumbled, “As long as you can turn down the brightness of the sun, Your Majesty.”

“Raven!” Kibitz shouted, causing the mentioned mare to shy away, ears folded. “That is no such way to speak to Her Majesty!”

“My apologies, Your Majesty. I’m still a bit under the weather.”

Celestia smiled. “No worries Raven. Kibitz, please ensure Raven keeps hydrated and stays away from any Miranda.”

“Miranda?” Mark asked.

“Her marefriend, I think,” Royal Guard Hank said, taking a bite of his food.

Everypony went silent, staring at the guard. He didn’t notice the strange looks, enjoying his oatmeal.

Ensemble cleared her throat. “Wow, he really is dense. At least he’s got a uniform…” She grinned, eyeing up the guard.

Cadence and Celestia rolled their eyes, and eating resumed around the table.

A servant had called Kibitz aside, and when the elderly stallion returned to the table, his face wore a heavy-set frown.

“Apologies, Your Majesties, but it seems the water is still not fixed,” Kibitz said, giving Mark a glare.

The human raised a brow. The aid simply rolled his eyes knowingly.

Celestia shrugged her shoulders. “Such is life, we shall prevail.”

“Speak for yourselves. I feel like I’m back at the Heartland horse ranch(5).” Mark took a drink from his glass. “Surrounded by mood-swinging women and the smell of horse sh—”

This time, both Celestia’s and Cadence’s wings smacked the human. His head hit the hardwood table with a resounding thud, glassware and silverware rattling from the impact.

“So, speaking of mood swings, Celestia, how are you doing?”

Everypony, save for a mumbling Mark, went deathly silent as they looked from Cadence to Celestia.

Celestia, brow raised, stared at her niece in confusion. “Well, I’ve been quite well. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, I just assumed by this morning’s paper, things might already be starting. You know, unusual cravings, mood swings, lust.”

Both Shining Armor and Mark shuddered.

Her brow still raised, Celestia studied the ponies around her, all staring on with rapt attention.

Except for Hank, who was being lectured by Ensemble about beverages other than water and sports drinks.

“I… don’t quite follow.”

“Well, it’s just, we all read a very… interesting article this morning in the paper, and while it wasn’t on the cover, it did grab our attention.”

Princess Celestia tapped her chin. “Hrm, no, I cannot say that anything caught my attention. All seems right in the world this fine morning.”

Several ponies’ jaws dropped. Cadence was brimming with a large smile taking over her muzzle.

“Really? Truly!? That means you’re—”

Cadence was cut off by a Royal Guard marching into the dining room.

“My apologies, Your Highness, but the situation is growing out of hoof.”

Celestia looked around the table at the still ponies.

“Situation?” Celestia asked. “I see no situation. We’re having a rather peaceful lunch.”

The guard shook his head. “No, Your Highness, not here. The throne room is being overwhelmed by ponies for this afternoon’s weekly conference. We’ve had to break up several fights already.”

Celestia balked. “What? Why? Kibitz, do you know anything about this?”

“Well, honestly I’m not quite sure. At first I thought it a rumor in the paper that was make-believe.”

“And what rumor would that be?” Celestia asked.

“Well, that you and Prince Consort Mark are expecting, of course.”

“Expecting?” Celestia asked.

“Expecting what?” Mark quickly followed up, brow raised.

“Oh really now, Auntie! You don’t have to hide it from us! We all know!”

Cadence was quick to pounce on her aunt, hugging the white alicorn with all her might.

“Yeah, congrats, ya big lug!” Shining Armor slapped Mark’s back with a resounding thud, nearly taking the wind out of him.

“Uh… thanks? I guess?” Mark questioned, looking at his future wife.

Celestia shrugged, and pushed her niece away. “Really now, I know the wedding is coming up, but you all really need to calm down. Now, we must take our leave, we’ve all got very busy afternoons.”

Both Mark and Celestia stood from their seats and gave each other a brief kiss.

With a wave of magic, Kibitz produced two scrolls, one of them vanishing. “I suppose this is the correct one for the occasion then. My congratulations, Your Highness.” He quickly bowed, and then marched over to Mark, pushing the human along. “Now chop-chop, we’ve got a very busy day!”

Celestia hollered to her lover, “Now, be nice to Kibitz. Do as he says.”

“Yeah, and try not to kill Raven any more than she’s already dead. She really hit it off last night with that batpony.”

“Thestral, dear, do please make sure to not offend anypony!”

“I’ll try, but no promises.”

Mark quickly rushed over for another kiss, and with physical insistence by his Royal Guard Composite, the two marched out of the dining room and followed Kibitz down the hall.

Letting out a small laugh, Celestia also exited the room, dragging a very drowsy Raven and Royal Guard Hank with her.

The Crystal Princess and Prince watched them all leave, and leaned into one another, contented smiles upon their muzzles. “I’m so happy for them.”

Cadence nodded in agreement. “Yeah, just imagine, a foal in time for the wedding.”

Ensemble, who was smelling the seat Hank had sat in, froze, and slowly turned to face the two partners. “Wait, their what?”

Celestia, the kind-hearted alicorn that she was, walked at a slow, gentle prance so that she didn’t outpace her still-recovering aide.

“Raven, my little pony, if you could just hold out until after court today, you can turn in and rest. I’ll make sure to get a temporary lined up for tomorrow so you can compose yourself.”

Raven shook her head, her bun nearly undoing itself, her usual bun pin(6) replaced with a pencil. “No, no worries, Princess, I’ll be fine…”

With a warm smile and gentle shake of her head, Celestia continued on. Her magic briefly came to life, fixing her aide’s mane, and wiped off a trace glob of food on her chest. They rounded the corner to enter her throne room, where Celestia would make her weekly speech before opening court.

Stepping in from a back door, she could already hear the literal mob of ponies outside the solid oak double doors. “My, my, they really are foaming at the bits, aren’t they?”

“It would appear so, Your Highness.”

Celestia nearly jumped, Royal Guard Hank magically at her side. “When did you… Oh, never mind, Hank go ahead and let them in. Let's get this party started.”

“Yes, Your Highness.” Hank strode to the doors, knocking twice, and before he could turn around, the doors burst open, sending him flying backwards.

Waves, nay, scores of ponies rushed in, brandishing cameras, notepads, recorders, all manner of things. Media ponies of all sorts fought to take a seat, some nearly biting one another over chairs and cuts in line.

She watched this all with shock. It had been quite some time that one of her weekly speeches riled up ponies like this. Even her engagement to Mark hadn’t caused this much of a ruckus, nor the return of her sister to power.

Several more minutes of ponies arguing, fighting, and guards trying to calm everypony down, Celestia had had enough, and stood.

“SILENCE!”

Everypony shut up quickly.

“Today has been a rather tiring day, my little ponies, and I’d appreciate it if you’d all act with civility and compassion. There is more than enough room for you all, and if we need to, I will request more chairs. However, let it be known that this room, for safety reasons, may only house four hundred and twelve ponies.

“So once we hit that number, you will be turned away. I apologize, but that’s how it is.

“Do I make myself clear?”

All at once, everypony, even guards, nodded their heads, and quietly took their seats. Ponies giving each other their seats, allowing shorter ponies to the front, all the right kinds of civility that Celestia expected in her ponies, and rarely got to see.

“Thank you,” she said, and sat once again in her throne.

“Are you alright, Rav—? Raven? Where? Oh.”

Against the wall, Royal Guard Hank was knocked out, slumped over the also-knocked-out body of Raven.

“Of course. On my own, as it seems.”

A wave of magic removed the two ponies from the throne room and into the infirmary, where they would hopefully be treated as seen fit.

Ensemble waited casually on the medical table, awaiting her usual pre-heat exam, when a puff of magic dropped two unconscious ponies literally in her lap. The stud Royal Guard Hank, and the hot-ass cougar Raven.

The two groggy ponies began to stir, and looked up into the glowing eyes of the mare before them.

Ensemble grinned madly. “Alright, threesome!”

The commotion had picked up once again with everypony comfortable and yet fidgeting with excitement in their seats. Celestia’s right ear twitched when she thought she heard a scream, but let it be. So long as it involved Mark, then Kibitz would have it all under control. Anything else… she’d just let it get swept under the rug, like most of the castle happenings she wasn’t always supposed to know about, but did anyway.

“Alright, so this wasn’t technically my fault,” Mark said, pointing to his knocked-out guard. “Somepony seems to have swapped out the new Mark 4 Armor(7) helmet with a dummy version, but what should have happened, was the baseball bat splintering into pieces and leaving Composite here conscious and unhurt.”

The prospective investors, developers, and horrified designers looked to Mark with varying expressions, but most were not of a positive light.

“So while I go find another guard and the correct helmet, would somepony take this guy down to the infirmary? Oh, and just make sure you don’t leave him alone, I think Ensemble is down there, her heat’s come on early. Her scent is literally glued to my clothes, the little freak batpo— Er, I mean, thestral.”

With another sigh, Celestia watched the clock strike one, which meant it was time.

She cleared her throat, gathering everypony’s attention. She sat up straight in her seat and began talking in a loud, authoritative voice. Booming, but not forceful, so that all of her little ponies could hear her clearly.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, thank you once again for joining me for this weekly update on the crown. As is customary, I shall go over the finances, the stocks, the good, the bad, and lastly any small personal matters I think you all need to know about me, or Prince Consort Mark. Then we will have fifteen minutes of questions, and then once everypony has left the throne room, I will begin my day court.

“Hank, would… oh right, my guard is… Raven can… oh no, she is too.”

Everypony stared at Celestia, still gawking.

“I suppose I’m on my own. Very well, let us begin.” With her magic, Kibitz’s scroll came up to her muzzle, and she began.

Author's Note

Because I'm a salvage man and I like to use parts of things on other things, I stole a thing I saw Georg do a few times, so have at it!

(*) The scale went Yellow: World Ending, Blue: Important, Green: Good news, and lastly Pink: Cake competition. Unbeknownst to Celestia, Kibitz often “lost” the pink highlighters, so they were never addressed as frequently as they appeared.

(1) If she could, Ensemble would bottle and sell the scent of a stallion, or in this case, one human consort. Although she would end up hoarding it all to herself to enjoy.

(2) Self appointed, mind you. He was a braggart, arrogant, and a royal pain in the flanks, but he knew how to balance a checkbook and keep one from going broke. Luna only surrendered the position to keep the knave from driving her batty(2a).

(2a) A term widely frowned upon by the nocturne, many other ponies use it to describe when a pony is on the verge of maiming another. Very common among the guards, even those of Luna’s Night Guard, for when Princess Luna wanted to maim somepony, she’d bare her fangs(2b).

(2b) Fake, but still good for intimidating.

(3) Being of the generous type, Fancy would always offer to bring something to share for lunch, on him. Be it three dozen cheese cakes, or five tubs of strawberry ice cream for dessert.

(4) https://practicalhorsemanmag.com/health-archive/scoop_on_sweat_032310-11484 Horses DO sweat! It’s important for a pony to sweat to help them keep cool. Most of their shampoos and conditioners are imbued with scents so that they can smell nice, while being allowed to sweat.

(5) Mark’s mother was a horse girl growing up, and still loved to watch the live horse races, rodeos, and the many television shows. Heartland was one of the few he himself also enjoyed, and it could be argued that he had, in fact, lived the life, if not in reality, then through that show.

(6) A bun pin is a special, ornate, or even homemade stick of wood, metal, brass, gold, whatever, for holding a hair bun firmly in place. Very common for ponies who do a lot of moving around and don’t want their long manes, or even tails, getting in the way. Raven had thought about cutting her mane shorter like her tail, but insistence from Celestia that “A mare’s gotta let her mane down sometimes,” she decided to leave it the normal length.

(7) A joke taken too far, even Mark himself is disgusted with the name choice. He just never thought the pun, as well as the reference to his childhood video game obsession, would haunt him in Equestria.

2: Pranks Too Far Gone

“...And lastly, Canterlot Castle’s yearly coffee fund will be decreased another five percent, which equates to roughly one thousand five hundred seventeen cups annually, whose estimated cost hits right around twelve hundred bits. It was voted on and passed by a margin over fifty-one percent, and therefore, once signed by two Equestrian princesses, shall take effect.

“This decrease in funding helps compensate for the extra fifteen percent added to the Emergency Sugar Fund for bakers all throughout Equestria. With more and more creatures not native to our lands visiting, we’ve seen an increase of consumption of sweets unprecedented, save for when the Element of Laughter, one Pinkie Pie, plans a party at a count of, or exceeding, three hundred and fourteen guests(*).”

Celestia looked up at the crowd of ponies, and a shocking sight beheld her.

Every. Single. Pony. Was looking at her, attentive, ears only on her, and listening. Not one pony was sleeping, loitering, or trying to help themselves to their fifth free coffee and donut.

It had been nearly an hour of droning on and on about stuff that most ponies didn’t care about, but she felt, deep down, that someone did, and that was enough for her to continue this tradition. In the last century, it had begun to wane and die off, with newspapers reaching across the globe easier, and wonderful inventions like the telegraph and radio allowing news to travel much faster than any pegasus courier(1).

The palace scribe sat in his lone seat, writing down every word Celestia said. That scroll would then be copied and sent to every paper in Canterlot, so the news media could pick out what they wanted. However, with so many of them actually here, right now, she feared the scribe might be wasting his time.

Letting out a tired sigh, Celestia rubbed her eyes, cleared her throat, and then continued down the list, having given up reading ahead for the sake of getting today done and over with.

“And that is it for the official news around Equestria. Now, I would like to change over to more personal matters involving myself, and my home.”

Celestia raised a brow as she read aloud, and couldn’t help but notice ponies all over beginning to finally draw their quills and pencils, sitting up, and if she thought they were listening closely before, now they were like one mass of eyeballs staring at her, waiting.

“As many of you know, the wedding between me and Prince-Consort Mark is slated for nine months and fifteen days from now, and we couldn’t be more than happier with the outpouring of positive missives, cards, and such kind words at our good news.”

Ponies all moved to the edge of their seats.

“And before I open up to any questions for the next fifteen minutes, I have some additional happy news for us both. Prince-Consort Mark and I are expecting, and we’re both overjoyed with the eventual arrival of our… our foal?”

Princess Celestia blinked. She read the bottom of the scroll again. She blinked again, looked at the scroll again. Re-read it over in her head another time. Then she looked out to the wave of ponies, all wide eyes, open mouths, and still breaths, much like her own.

“I’m pregnant?”

Then all Tartarus broke loose.

Royal Guard Hank marched towards the throne room with purpose. After his altercation with the maid Ensemble, and making sure Miss Raven was seen to her quarters for rest, he headed back to his charge. While he knew he was technically AWOL from his princess, he also knew the princess was a big mare and could handle herself for a short while without him. She’d have had him make sure Raven was taken care of, and Ensemble… well, he didn’t know what to do with her biting his neck and flagging her tail.

His father had given him sage advice when dealing with mares in heat. So when she approached, he got on the squirming mare’s back, shot a load into her rump, and left her on the medical bed, tongue hanging out, eyes rolled back, and a pleasant smile on her face.

The horse tranquilizer would wear off in a few hours, and the thestral would be just fine, and back to doing maid things.

Nearing the massive double doors, an odd sensation pricked at the back of his neck, like something was amiss. It was quiet, nopony from inside the throne room could be heard, save for the loud, muffled voice of Princess Celestia herself. And as he reached for the handle, a curious thing happened.

It pushed back with resistance, but the crack opened just far enough for him to hear two words.

“I’m pregnant?”

The throne room doors were redesigned roughly three hundred years ago to be opened both inward and outward in case of an emergency(2). All at once, the resistance Hank felt on pushing the doors turned into an outward force, and deep down, he knew he should have stuck with Prince-Consort Mark. Surely Composite wasn’t sustaining these cranial injuries like he had taken, and was about to once again.

A mass of ponies shot out, easily a hundred, all running for the front of the castle where the telegraph machines and telephones were located(3) for the media to report out with their news and headlines.

Hank, now sporting a bloody nose, was sent sliding along the freshly polished marble floor on his flanks, all the way back to whence he came – Hank let out a long, tired sigh – back to the Infirmary.

Princess Celestia was assaulted. Hundreds of ponies had fled the room, while the rest all stood, waving hooves, shouting, anything to get her attention, flooding her with questions.

“So it is true?”
“Is Mark the true sire?”
“When did you know?”
“Aren’t all the guards but your children, sired by the nobility?”
“Are we to expect a new hybrid species between hyoo-man and pony?”

Stricken with shock at her own words, Celestia studied the scroll again in its entirety, making sure she hadn’t missed something.

Each time it came back the same: She just told the entirety of Canterlot – neigh, Equestria, that she was pregnant.

But she wasn’t. Of anypony, she’d be the first to know.

Celestia poked her own barrel. She didn’t feel pregnant. It had been centuries since she’d last had a foal, and four hundred years later, the Blueblood family was still a pain in her flank.

Looking back up at the mass of ponies, she noticed her guards had finally begun to react after her announcement, and began herding the news ponies out of the throne room, but they were relentless.

“Princess, we should go.”

Celestia jumped at whom the muffled voice had come from. She looked down at Royal Guard Hank, the stallion now had a tissue stuffed in both nostrils, slightly red with blood.

“Hank? What happened?”

“Mob of ponies. Congratulations. We need to go, now.”

With a nod, Celestia quickly followed her guard, and waiting for them were a half dozen more, all armed with spears and fully armored(4). Hank hadn’t wasted time, instead going where he knew he was needed right away.

Suddenly, from a door, Raven stepped out, mane bunless and missing her usual attire, however a clipboard floated along in her magic with her usual professional grace as she went down a list.

“How I see it, we have about thirty minutes before ponies begin storming the castle, an hour before we find Consort Mark, five hours before the Crystal Kingdom explodes in a literal wave of love with the news, and eleven months to prepare for a massive spike in birth rates(5).”

Celestia raised a brow. “I’m glad to see you back in action, my little pony.”

“Thank you, Your Highness. Glad to be back to 100%.”

Hank coughed.

“Okay, 95%.”

Celestia’s magic flared, tying Raven’s mane back into a bun. She grabbed a spoon from a passing service mare’s cart, and placed it into the bun.

“Now 100%!” Raven stomped hard, power walking to keep up with the guards.

“So what is our plan?”

“Damage control,” Raven announced. The herd of ponies rounded a corner, where a pegasus reporter was waiting with a camera.

A guard took him to the ground with a shatter of his flash bulb.

“They’re getting gutsy. We need to find Prince-Consort Mark and shake tail to your study, then maybe we can figure out how to control everypony.”

Celestia shook her head. “I just don’t understand, what has gotten into everypony?”

“Well, everypony wants to celebrate for the upcoming foal, and since you’re marrying another species, it is a big deal.”

Celestia stopped in her tracks. “But I’m not pregnant.”

Raven froze. Hank stopped, and with a signal all of the guards made a protective circle around them.

“I’m sorry? Princess, you just announced—"

“I was reading the scroll Kibitz gave me.” A scroll floated up to Raven in a golden glow. “I was going to have you read over it to double check for me, but you were… indisposed.”

“Oh.” Raven’s cheeks flushed. “Right.”

Celestia placed her hoof under the unicorn’s chin, picking it up to look at her. “Rest assured, my little pony, it is not your fault. We just need to host a conference again and fix all of this.”

“Fix it? Princess, with all due respect, that’s nigh impossible. We’re better off going with it and actually getting you pregnant.”

This time, even Hank looked at the mare with a raised brow.

“And saying that out loud, I realize the glaring flaws, which just enforces my point!”

With a sigh, Celestia looked to her guard. “Hank, do you have any clue where my future husband would be?”

There was a sudden explosion that shook the castle.

One of the pegasus guards flew up to look out a high window, then returned. “It came from the gardens, Your Highness.”

“I have a good feeling of where,” said Hank, and they moved.

Prince-Consort Mark lifted off his goggles, a thin layer of black soot covering the entirety of his front, save for over his eyes.

He then turned to the ponies before him, clapping his hands together in one loud smack, sending puffs of soot around. “So you can see, with a 11:1 twist in the barrel, the improved shell design, and a pointed round instead of a cannonball, the projectiles can travel twice, almost three times the distance, and with greater accuracy.”

A few of the nobles clopped their hooves on the ground, while most simply fretted over the soot that had blown back onto their fine clothes.

“So, by all of these demonstrations below, my proposed military plan would help prevent another incident like that of the Storm King’s attack. I’m more than confident in the abilities of these weapons, armor, and skills implemented into the armed services.

“Does anypony have any questions?”

Most everypony gave small shakes of their heads; however, Mark noticed one stallion wasn’t paying any attention to him, instead focused on a small portable radio with a single headphone in his right ear.

“Sir?” Mark waved at the stallion.

He barely registered the human, blinking as his eyes grew in size.

“Hi, yes, hello. I’m sure that hoofball game is oh so more important than national security, but I’m really hoping you—"

“It’s true!” he suddenly shouted, then looked to Mark, his eyes the size of saucers, and then pointed. “You’ve sired!”

All at once, the rest of the noble ponies let out gasps, murmurs, and even a couple of cigars were forced into Mark’s open mouth.

“I’ve what?” he asked, letting the cigars fall from his mouth.

“They just announced it over the airwaves, and it’s hitting the afternoon editions of the Canterlot Times! Princess Celestia is pregnant!”

“She’s what?”

Suddenly, Royal Guard Composite appeared, landing hastily at Mark’s side, his helmet missing, in its place a wrapped bandage that somepony had written on with lipstick: “Get well soon <3”.

“Prince Mark, your presence is requested immediately in Her Majesty’s private study.”

“What?” Mark asked again.

“Posthaste, sir. There is... a...”

A large shadow overcast the group, Composite going quiet as the nobles all looked up with shocked faces, slowly backpedaling. A few even began to run, although they lacked the capacity for any real speed.

Mark and Composite tentatively looked behind them, and up into the sky.

Thousands, maybe even tens of thousands, of pegasi were heading for them, waving banners, cheering, shouting in jubilation, pushing clouds with beds on them(6) and blocking out the sun as one massive blob.

“What. The. Fuck.” Mark breathed out.

“By golly, Mark. I’d heard stories about this, but in all my years I never thought I’d get to experience it!”

Mark and Composite looked to the last remaining noble, Fancy Pants, as he dusted off one of the forgotten cigars and lit it.

“Truly this will be an interesting next twenty-four hours, wouldn’t you say?” He then began laughing, slowly walking away.

“The Hell you so happy about?” Mark called out.

“My boy, you’ve sired a foal! My wife and I will be quite busy the next day celebrating.”

And with that, he skipped away.

“Composite.”

“Yes, Prince Mark?”

“What the ever loving fuck is wrong with you ponies?”

Composite let out a tired sigh, rubbing his still-sore head. “I don’t know, sir.”

“I mean, I stink, really bad.”

“I didn’t want to say anything out loud, sir.”

“And I’m here, trying to help save Equestria from the next disaster, and what do I get?”

Both looked up at the cloud of pegasi, many of which were already getting busy on their cloud beds.

Mark continued, still looking up. “A bunch of horny-ass ponies humping away above my head, my home, my future wife. We should probably get an umbrella.”

“Doubtful, sir. More than likely they won’t wish to spill a drop.”

Mark looked back down to Composite. “Dude, that’s fucked up. True, but fucked up. I’m still not taking any chances, so let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“Agreed. I think I just saw my parents up there, and I’m in no mood to see the conception of my future sibling.”

“Your Highness? Miss Raven? We’ve located Prince-Consort Mark. He and his escort are on their way here now.”

“Thank you, Hank,” Celesita said with a sigh, sitting on a lounge sofa, an untouched slice of cake at her side.

Hank nodded, and returned to his guard duty at the entrance door just outside.

Raven cleared her throat. “Well that’s good. Fifty-four minutes, we shaved six off my estimate.”

“Yes, but the news spread much faster than you thought.”

“Also true.” Raven looked out the window at the cloud-covered sky. “I’m just glad I live in the palace. I don’t think I have a large enough umbrella for a walk outside.”

Princess Celestia groaned, rubbing her face with her hooves. “I cannot believe this. How dumb of me.”

“Technically, Princess, we could blame Kibitz for this…”

“What!? No, I’d never do such a thing to a good friend.”

Raven exhaled. “I suppose so.”

“This was my error. Had I been paying closer attention, I could have prevented this.”

Rubbing a hoof along her leg, Raven let out a small cough. “Princess? I know what you said, but are you sure there isn’t a small, slight, possibility that—"

“No, my little pony, there is not. Mark and I have… explored that route(7) in the past, and it was not to our liking.”

“Alright, so would you like me to draft up a formal letter? Send it out to all the news outlets of the mistake?”

Before she could answer, the door opened, Hank allowing Mark to enter.

“Celly!”

“Mark!”

The two rushed together, hugging, and sharing a passionate kiss. Pulling away, Mark shook his head with a silly grin.

“What in the Hell did you do this time, you silly big horse?”

“I announced in my weekly press conference that I was pregnant, even though I’m not.”

“Ah, so all of this?” Mark waved his hands around.

Another sigh, and Celestia walked back to her lounge to sit. “Yes, this is usually what happens when a princess comes to bear a foal.”

“I don’t remember Candy’s foal being this crazy.”

“Their only saving grace was where they were, in the Crystal Kingdom. A hard place to navigate to, and you can’t really do much up above without being frozen to death.”

“Ah, so no massive orgy cloud parties.”

Celestia snorted with a laugh. “No, no massive orgy cloud parties.”

“Alright.” Mark crossed his arms. “So what do we do now? Hunker down until they’ve all exhausted themselves?”

“That could take quite some time, I’m afraid,” Raven spoke up. “This year’s heat season has hit many ponies early, much of our castle staff is out, and I’m afraid… well…”

The princess continued. “A good number of my guards have sacrificed themselves in order to help calm some of the more… rowdy ones.”

Mark whistled. “Wow, what absolute mad lads. Remind me to buy, like, a thousand cigars for our brave boys in gold(8).”

“I need to hold an emergency press conference and fix this error.”

“I dunno, Celly. Me and Composite had to beat off a lot of reporters to get here.”

Raven raised a brow. Celestia grinned. Mark blinked, then frowned.

“Ooh fuck off you two, you know damn well what I meant.”

“Princess, do you really think holding another conference would change anything at this point?”

“Honestly? My last foal’s conception announcement was a lot more organized than this one; lots of planning had gone into it. I’d picked out a willing sire, and we had all the paperwork in order. It took almost a week for my little ponies to return to normal, and that was outside the heat season.”

“So what you’re saying is, this is a double whammy.” Mark rubbed his face. “I don’t believe this. What else could go wrong?”

Their door suddenly burst open, Composite shoving Hank inside and slamming the door behind him. Brow raised, Celestia noticed something odd about the stallion. He was…

“Hank? Are you… what is this?”

The two mares and one human walked closer to Hank, whose muzzle was twitching, fighting the urge to show any outward emotion.

“Is he happy? Sad?” Raven asked.

“I think he’s trying to be happy. Look how his upper lip keeps trembling,” Celestia added.

“No. I’ve seen this before,” said Mark. “He’s scared shitless.”

Hank nodded his head, eyes still focused ahead. “Ensemble woke up early from the tranquilizer I gave her. She’s coming for me. She heard of your pregnancy, Your Highness.”

Celestia walked closer, wrapping a wing around the motionless guard. “Oh, my poor little Hank. No, I’m so sorry to say I’m not, in fact, pregnant. This was one big misunderstanding.”

“Yes, Your Highness, I know this. Ensemble does not. I am not the lover type, I struggle to show outward emotion, I’m aware of that. I cannot find love or happiness.”

“Oh, Hank…” Celestia hugged tighter.

“That’s a crock of shit, man.”

Everypony looked to Mark.

“What? It is. Dude, if the chick wasn’t into you, do you think she’d be fighting through a thicket of horny ponies to find just you? Dude, I say go for it. Be a man.”

“But I must stay here and protect Her Highness. I cannot abandon my post.”

“Dude, if you haven’t looked outside, we’re literally surrounded by humping ponies for miles. This is a literal sex siege. We’re stuck in here, we’re not going anywhere.”

“Hank?” Princess Celestia asked. “Do you not find Miss Ensemble attractive?”

“Yes, of course she is. I’m just not—"

Celestia placed her hoof on the tip of his muzzle. “Hush, you. Do not let what you think of yourself determine what others may think of you. Just look at my future husband, after all.”

Mark winked. “Yeah! Wait, I feel like that’s an insult.”

“A lost alien, a lonely princess in her castle,” Celestia continued.

“You had literally thousands of stallions to fuck at any time, I don’t really consider that— OOF!”

Mark rubbed his stomach, Raven’s hoof still raised as she glared at the human.

“I know I poke fun at you, and maybe I’m wrong in doing so, but you are a stunning, masculine stallion, and I’ve seen ponies admire you for being you.”

“No, Your Highness, I’ve never taken anything you say to me as an insult. It’s just true.” Then he blinked. “You say, ponies… find me attractive?”

Celestia smiled, nodding. “Yes, even you, my tough exterior guard Hank, are very attractive.”

There was a sudden commotion from outside the door.

“Your Highness… what should I do? I’ve not… been successful with this sort of thing.”

“Just be you, Hank. Do as you always do.”

Hank looked down to the floor, eyes moving as his brain worked, and then focused back to everyone in the room.

“Thank you, Your Highness.”

Removing himself from Celestia’s wings, Hank marched with his usual strong stride and opened the door.

Ensemble was standing there, hoof raised as she was about to knock, one of her rear hooves holding Composite to the ground.

“Miss Ensemble, I find it flattering you wish to have coitus with me, but I do not find enjoyment in the idea of a quick romp and done. If you’d like, I’d be willing to take you out to dinner tonight, after 2100 hours, if you’d be so willing.”

The maid blinked, lowered her hoof, and her eyes slowly grew, tears spilling out the sides.

“A… date? Really? You’d like to take me out on a date?”

Hank, still-faced, simply nodded. “Yes, ma’am, if you’re willing.”

Ensemble made to jump and hug, but paused, and instead backed off and nodded. “Yes, I think… no, I definitely will, be up for that. After you unloaded that shot into my rump earlier—"

“Wait, he did what?” Mark asked.

“—it gave me time to think about what I really wanted. And you’re right, I don’t just want to get fucked senseless, tied to my bed, bound and gagged as you ravish my very being.”

“Seriously what the actual fuck,” again Mark said, and was ignored.

“I want a partner, somepony strong, and who looks past my flaws and wants to just be with me.”

“I must admit, Miss Ensemble, I’m… rather new to this, but I’m willing to try, for you. You’re a very stunning mare, and I’d be honored.”

Ensemble smiled, and gave Hank a small peck on the cheek. “I’ll meet you outside the castle gates at 2130, sharp.”

“That is a date, ma’am.”

Ensemble turned around, giving Hank’s face a light pat with her tail, and casually walked away, a slight sway to her flanks.

Royal Guard Hank closed the door and turned back to everyone in the room, his usual bland expression having returned.

“Thank you, Your Highness. Miss Raven, Prince-Consort Mark.”

Hank then took his leave, closing the door with a gentle click.

Celestia beamed. “By my mother, he actually did it.”

“So, are we gonna just skip over the fact Ensemble sounds like a sexual deviant?”

“Mark, you’re a sexual deviant,” Celestia chided.

“Well yeah, I’m human, I’m allowed to be.”

With a roll of her eyes, Celestia returned to her aide. “Raven, the one thing I don’t understand is how did all of this even start? These rumors of my apparent pregnancy?”

“An article in the Canterlot Times. It was a middle-section story, mixed in with most of the gossip columns that nopony really cared about, but this one was special. It stated they’d had an exclusive interview with both parties involved.”

“What? I never spoke to anypony about such a thing. Mark?”

Mark shook his head. “I don’t recall.”

Raven’s magic sprang to life, attempting to lift a water pitcher, and faltered. “Oh drats, this darn headache. I knew I should have stopped after that fifth drink last night.”

Mark froze, and then whispered, “Miranda.”

“I’m sorry?” Celestia asked.

Mark slapped his forehead. “Oh my God, Celestia.”

“Pick only one, dear, and pick wisely.”

“No, we’re both idiots! The party last night!”

“What of it?”

Mark grabbed the sides of Celestia’s head, pressing his forehead to hers, avoiding her horn.

“We got totally shit faced!”

Celestia’s eyes went wide. “You don’t think we—"

The door opened once more, this time Kibitz marching in. “I do think so, yes.”

“Kibitz!” the engaged couple shouted, Mark pointing an accusing finger at the unicorn.

Kibitz looked questioningly, and Mark shyly pulled back his hand.

The older stallion continued. “Yes, I hadn’t realized it at the time, but there was some odd gossip going around at the party about your… situation. What I didn’t know until about half an hour ago, however, was you two were pulling another one of your elaborate pranks, and then you forgot you were pulling a prank.”

“Oh no,” Mark said.

“Oh yes,” Kibitz pressed on, “you both did this to yourselves, and I’m sorry to say that while I feel guilty for playing a part in all of this, it is your just desserts for your actions.”

“So wait, Kibitz, how did you find this out?”

He stepped aside, and two earth ponies, one short and stout, the other tall and skinny, walked in.

“Mario! Luigi!” Where are your hats?”

The two sighed, the shorter one speaking first. “Prince-Consort, those are-a notta our-a names.”

“Yes, and those-a hats were-a too silly! We can’t-a be proper plumbers if they’re-a constantly in tha way!”

Mark slapped his knee. “See what I mean? I fucking love these guys. What’s up, you two?”

“We’ve-a finished your-a request!”

“Si!”

Mark blinked. Everypony looked at him. “Request?” Raven asked.

“Plumbers?” Celestia asked.

Mark slapped his forehead. “Mama mia, I thought that was just a dream.”

“Mark… what did you do?”

“Oh, Vostra Altezza! You should-a see it! It’s-a beautiful! Bellisima!”

“Sì! Our finest work-a yetta!”

“Sprigati! Come-a quickly! We must-a show you!”

The two earth ponies took off down the hall, and quickly behind them Mark and Celestia followed, Hank, Composite, Raven, and Kibitz giving chase as well.

The group passed several rooms, the sounds of moans, grunts, and other lewd acts echoing down the halls as they ran by, but they wouldn’t be swayed from following the plumbers

Then they arrived at a massive, single door.

Panting, Mark looked up, and asked, “Isn’t this my old room?”

“Si!” the short pony said, then opened the door.

Everypony looked inside, and all let out “ooh”s and “aah”s.

The spacious room had been turned into one large jacuzzi tub, the warm, steamy water bubbling about. The walls were lined with towels and a few changing stalls.

“Holy shit, you Italian bastards actually did it!”

“Wait, is this why the water’s been out all day?” Celestia asked.

“Si! Took-a us all day, but we-a did it!”

Several ponies let out laughs, and Mark stood proud.

“Wow, my first modification(9) to the castle! I originally wanted a bowling alley, but Hell, a giant-ass jacuzzi that can fit twenty?”

“Yes, just what this castle needed.” Celestia rolled her eyes.

“Well, everypony, I got only one thing to say.” Mark turned to look Celestia over, grinning madly.

“What? What’s with that look?” Mark stepped forward, grabbing the large pony, and fought to pick her up. “Mark!? Unhand me, what are you doing!?”

Charging ahead, Mark threw his fiancee into the water with a massive splash.

“You stink, ya big silly horse!” Mark laughed.

Celestia surfaced, spitting water out.

“So, how’s it feel?”

Celestia showed a predatory grin. “You tell me.”

Mark felt a bump from behind, and fell into the water with a splash. He surfaced, spitting and sputtering. “Holy shit, what was that?”

Laughing, Celestia splashed water at him, and the man returned the favor. Then the two looked at the doorway, everypony else smiling at them.

Mark grinned. “What the Hell do you think you’re all doing? Get in here!”

Immediately, they began shaking their heads and backing away, excuses forming in their throats.

“Si! Si! You must-a all try it!”

The two plumber ponies pushed the group, two royal aides and two Royal Guards, all the way to the water’s edge. With a flare of golden magic, one final push was all it took to shove the four ponies into the water.

“Look at us all! No more stinky ponies!” Mark laughed.

Only Celestia and Marked seemed to find any joy in the situation. Everypony else, save Hank, frowned about the sudden warm bath. The stoic guard simply closed his eyes and lowered himself so only his nose and up showed above the water’s surface, where nopony could see his smile. He had a date, after all.

Princess Luna jolted awake, a wave of magic hitting her full on. Quickly jumping out of bed, she made ready for an impending attack, wards springing to life as she sought her armor.

Then she paused, rolling her shoulders and checking herself over.

She was all… crystalline. This was a familiar feeling, that of love. Lots of it, in fact, that could only come from one place.

Forgetting about her armor, she rushed out of her room, ignoring the lack of her usual thestral guards at her door.

The halls were quiet, the night still, and the clock told her it was nearing midnight. This, while not unusual, was all wrong. She should have been woken up hours ago. The more she traveled, the more oddities were apparent.

The castle was practically empty, save for abandoned hoof carts and the scattering of Royal Guard armor.

“Have we been attacked?” she asked aloud, then heard something from a door.

Stealthily, she snuck up and creaked the door open.

She pulled back, wide eyes and nostrils flaring. The room stunk of sex. Heavy musk and sweat, and so she closed the door.

“How odd.”

The next few doors she checked were all the same, and she realized quickly that some of the ponies were her sister’s guard.

“How odd, indeed. We’ve not seen the castle like this since… oh. Oh!”

Luna’s grin went from ear to ear, and quickly she took off down the halls, back to the residential wing.

She ran for her sister’s room; along the way she kicked aside some discarded wet towels, clothes, and her sister’s regalia. Charging, her magic turned the handle as she threw her shoulder into the doors, opening them with a crash..

“Sister! Sister! The Crystal Empire hath activated! Oh joyous of days indeed!”

Celestia’s head shot up from under the blanket, and atop her, Mark’s head looked up too.

“Holy crap your timing is horrible, Moon Butt!” Mark groaned.

“Yes, Lulu, what is the matter with you?”

“Forgive mine intrusion of thy coitus, but the Crystal Empire! Look!” Luna waved her hoof in the air.

Mark looked down to Celestia, and she looked at herself.

“Oh, would you look at that.”

“Did I do that?” Mark asked.

“Doubtful. As talented as you are, this isn’t your work.” Celestia shook her head.

“How dare thou, Sister! Of course this is of his doing! The paper this morn was correct, thy are with child! Why else would the castle be full of the smells of strong stallion musk and winking mares! I dare suspect the skies are full of the clouds of ecstasy, and I missed it all!

“And now the Crystal Kingdom, the news reaching them and Princess Mi Amore and her Prince! We shall have many new ponies in eleven months’ time!”

“Luna, I’m not pregnant.”

“What? How dare thou suggest such things. Of course thou art.”

“No, seriously, she’s not.”

Luna’s ears went down. “W-what? Art thou… are you sure? But… the paper…”

“It was a prank that went too far, Lulu.”

“So, what is with all the celebration? The bountiful ponies who’ve made coitus in order to show their love and adoration?”

“A mistake, sadly,” Celestia continued.

“Oh. So… no small niece or nephew to spoil?”

“I’m afraid not.”

“Surely not from lack of trying, anyway,” Mark added with a chuckle.

“Is that so?” Luna grinned, her horn starting to glow. “Perhaps We have a suggestion.”

“Wait, Lulu! No, don’t—!”

A bolt of magic struck Mark, and in a blink of the eye, the human was replaced with a large, masculine alicorn of black coat, deep red mane and tail, and his horn fractured.

“Oh no…” Celestia smacked her face.

“Oh hello~” Luna purred, eyelids going low as her tail began wagging(10).

“Oh Hell naw,” Alicorn Mark shouted. “Change me back! Change me back!”

Author's Note

(*) This number is based upon the annual census of the population of Ponyville, plus 2.5% for visitors who aren’t in the know, but dragged into the fray as collateral. While this number has gone up since the marriage of Big Macintosh Apple and Sugar Belle, Pinkie loved an unusual reference to the number, and begged it stay that way for longer. In order to keep sanity in check, Twilight decided it was the most rational(*a) way to do it.

(*a) Pinkie pointed out it was, in fact, quite irrational. Princess Twilight’s last correspondence over the matter was simply to leave it alone.

(1) Rainbow Dash tried to contest this once, however she eventually concluded that “it wasn't worth the effort” and said it was a draw. Everypony wisely let it go and agreed with her.

(2) Such as fires, sieges, or when the nobles needed to flee upon Celestia’s insistence of donating to charities.

(3) It was also, once upon a time, the only place in the palace that allowed smoking, and had an in-house bar. After an incident involving a thestral guard and an overweight unicorn nearly burned down the room, Celestia moved both the bar and smoking privileges into the Great Room(3a).

(3a) There wasn’t really anything great in the Great Room. It was just a lounge for the nobility to sit about, drink, and scheme all kinds of ideas on how to better themselves. WIth any luck, Celestia hoped the next Canterlot Palace fire would start there, for nothing of value would be lost.

(4) A guard on normal rounds of the castle would simply wear their helm and breastplate. Upon an incident occurring, a number of guards were always on call in the armory to don their full gear and replace the under-armored guards while they too suited up.

(5) It was a little-known fact that, while rare, ponies tended to get into the mood when a royal announced they were with foal. It was usually a sign of good luck for prosperous families, believing that since a princess only tends to have a foal every several centuries, then Luna’s stars must be in special alignment to promote fertility and foals bound for greatness.

(6) As previously mentioned, some ponies even believe conception closer to the palace helped the odds.

(7) The only sure way for it to work was to turn Mark into a pony, and when an attempt was made with disastrous results, they both agreed they’d save it for an absolute last-ditch effort(7a).

(7a) Such as if there were no orphans ever, no stud willing to sire in his place, no lost or undiscovered magic to change his sperm to be compatible, or actually get Hank to smile.

(8) While not very strong, gold was a very common commodity, a fact that still puzzled Mark. It was good for imbuing spells, runes, and looked hella flashy.

(9) Whenever a new member of the royal family joins, or comes of age, they’re allowed one free modification of Canterlot Castle, anything they want. Primary examples: Princess Celestia got the massive public library. Princess Luna got her dungeons, fully loaded and staffed with a skeleton crew. Princess Cadence got the private tower suite, which was now open to guests of the crown.

(10) Luna was into the dark and edgy. Who could blame her?

Prequel: Prior Expectations

Author's Note

I wanted to write a little something fun, but didn't want to do up a big story cause I'm so back logged right now on projects I'd just go more crazy than I already am, so here's this thing. It's not much, it's just a peek into their past.

One of the stipulations to bring Pascoite back as a pre-reader for this was I had to have a poop joke. So, well, there is one. To get Fregz... honestly, between us two, one of us is the other's little Fimmy Fic bitch; I'm just not sure which of us it is.

People wanted a sequel, so instead I gave a prequel (as a couple people also voiced wanting). However, this is strictly how they met. If, and that’s a big IF, I get around to actually doing the sequel, I have plans. Dastardly plans.

Also, my sister gave me all of her CD’s, and I’m not sorry that I’ve been driving around blasting NSync, Backstreet Boys, and Maria Carey (I actually got a car full of girls to sing along at a street light to Fantasy, and what an experience that was.)

Prequel: Prior Expectations

*Roughly four years before engagement.*

Princess Celestia smiled, reading over another of the letters sent her way from Princess Twilight, about how things were coming along in Ponyville. Starlight Glimmer was proving to be quite the challenging student for her, but at the same time, it was a good experience for the both of them.

Setting the letter down, she drew from her desk drawer some parchment, laying it flat on the surface, then touched the feather tip of her quil to her chin. So lost in thought about how her correspondence should start, she didn’t pay any mind to a small humming sound.

She finally took notice of a disturbance when small tremors shook the study, as well as flashing lights under the lavatory door. It was all over in the span of a few seconds, and so she charged her horn with offensive spells and activated defensive wards.

However, she did hesitate in calling in her guard, for if this was indeed a nasty foe, she couldn’t handle any of her little ponies being harmed.

Although her own track record hadn’t been the greatest as of late… “Maybe I should…”

Suddenly, a loud, booming voice came from inside the bathroom.

“Hee-eey, bye bye bye!”

Several more seconds ticked on by as Celestia stared at the door with rapt attention. Somepony inside was… singing, a strange song, about leaving someone because they couldn’t stand them any longer. It was only when the boom of instruments then joined she realized the being was singing along to music.

Hesitantly, she stood, taking gentle steps until she was to the door, placing an ear against it as her horn continued to glow, ready to release a countermeasure.

And yet the singing, and music, continued, along with the newly discovered sound of running water. The (live) singer was clearly a male, but she couldn’t place any particular accent. No inconsistencies with the whinnies(*), so it probably wasn’t a gryphon, although if it was a trained assassin, they’d be good.

Then again… he was singing… in a shower, that shouldn’t exist, in a half bath.

Princess Celestia took a deep breath, turned the door handle, and slowly opened it, and what greeted her was not the study’s normally simple half bath.

This one was still small, much like the original, but the ornate decorations of crown moulding were replaced with cracked and flaking plaster. The vanity which held the sink and grand mirror was now an old wooden cabinet with an askew door and a grungy sink on top, dripping away. Resting precariously on the left edge was a small black device.

A radio, she surmised, although it lacked the traditional wooden case and fabric covers and polished knobs. This one appeared… cheap, as if it were hastily made and any craftsponyship was forgone for any number of reasons.

The toilet… didn’t even look like a typical Equestrian toilet, more akin to those found in the Minotaur lands, only not made of heavy stone to bear their weight. Also the seat was up, which for some reason caused one of her eyebrows twitch in annoyance(1).

All of the golden faucets were replaced with crusty, brushed metal that was green around the edges. The ornate marble that had been along the floor and parts of the walls were now small white and pink square tiles, many of them cracked. The actual porcelain wasn’t even white, but a nearly pale pink that sort of matched the pink tile, but clearly by any expert’s eye wasn’t so.

And lastly, placed to the right side where a mostly bare wall once had been, now a standing shower had manifested that was far too narrow for any sizable equine such as herself or her sister. Smaller pegasi maybe, but an average-built pony would even find some difficulty with mobility in there. A lone figure, tall, bipedal, judging from a glance through the fogged glass, was currently the source of the singing.

“Something has happened, but what could it be?”

Her defensive spells were swiftly replaced with probes and scans of the space, but nothing jumped out at her as hostile. The only oddities being the strange fact electricity was being supplied to a set of outlets and the overhead light, and the water was coming from nowhere logical, the plumbing literally being severed, yet still providing water. It was a very normal, if worn out, bathroom.

The radio made a grinding sound, and then another song started up: something about it was going to be me, whoever-he-was sang.

The male inside the shower didn’t seem as enthusiastic in singing this song, favoring instead continuing to clean himself. It was nearly impossible for Celestia to tell what way he was facing, but judging by the lack of acknowledgement of her presence, he probably had his back to her.

Gently, she stepped inside, careful not to make any sound with her hooves on the tile. There were spots where entire patches of them were missing, so she aimed for those to dampen the sound.

In two easy strides, she was standing at the glass, and very unsure of what to do next.

“Should I politely cough? Knock on the glass?”

She didn’t have to wait too long, however, because the being inside shut off the water. He opened one of the glass panels just enough for a pale, bare-skinned arm to reach out, feeling along an empty towel rack with his fingers.

Thinking fast, Celestia looked around, and spied a… she hoped a clean blue towel crumpled between the shower and toilet. With her magic, she brought it over, allowing the being’s hand to graze it, then grab it, pulling it inside with himself. Upon reflection, he did have hair, it just wasn’t a thick coat, but more of a covering of thinly sparse hair.

He was humming along with another song now, this one sounding artificial, with strange technological beats to it. He seemed to be tapping a padded foot or the like to the beat. Then, a particular set of lyrics began and he was shaking his… flanks into the towel along with a yippie-yi-yay.

Before she could stop herself, Celestia let a giggle escape, quickly trying to cover her muzzle with a hoof.

“What the—?” The music was forgotten as the being reached for the glass panel again, opening it just enough for his face to peer out.

Both of them blinked at each other, many emotions running rampant in their minds and faces. Shock, horror, curiosity, and lastly to Celestia’s surprise, he smiled and shook his head.

“Ha ha, real funny, Tom!” he shouted loudly towards the open bathroom door. “This is really funny, bringing in a horse, but come on! When are the jokes going to end?”

Celestia looked to the open door, her vacant desk and some bookshelves the only clearly visible items. She didn’t see any Tom, or even know a Tom.

The being seemed to be just as puzzled, although more than likely for different reasons.

“Huh, that doesn’t look like our apartment.”

Casually, he stepped out of the shower, the being using the towel to continue to dry his head and the small black mane atop it. The rest of him was, obviously, naked, save for more scatterings of hair, mostly around his face, chest, and unsheathed member. Curious, but maybe it was part of his cleaning? Proper bean(2) control was a big part of her male guard’s personal hygiene, after all.

He walked right by her, careful not to touch, and stepped out into her study, to which the princess followed. Looking around, he appeared confused, maybe even lost, as he surveyed the room.

“What the Hell did Tom do this time? How did he make the apartment bigger? And, like… he hates books.” He turned around to face Celestia.

She raised a brow.

“And then he lets in a horse? I don’t get it.”

He continued to walk around her study. All the while, she followed him with her eyes, as he pulled out random books, flipped through them, returned them, still dripping water along the ancient wood floors.

Reaching her desk, he started to grab for parchments, when she finally stepped over to stop him.

“Whoa, easy there, girl.” He patted the side of Celestia’s neck. “At least, I think you’re a girl?”

Once more, casual as ever, he walked by her, then swinging her tail to the side, he checked(3).

“Yeah, girl horse. Gross.”

Celestia huffed at that.

“Oh hush, you. Wait… why am I talking to a horse?”

The towel was now over his shoulder as he continued to look around, then in the middle of the room, he looked back to the bathroom door, then Celestia, and finally the only other door.

He raised his arms and took a deep breath, before shouting, “I don’t get it, Tom! What’s the fucking joke!?”

Suddenly the study door burst open, a lone royal guard stepping inside.

“Your Highness? Is there any—”

He froze. The biped froze. The hairs on Celestia’s neck rose as she awaited her guard’s response.

Both males, the biped and Hank the guard, stared at each other.

The creature then turned back to Celestia, pointing at her guard. “Did that little horse in armor just talk?”

Celestia, for whatever reason, only nodded.

He looked back to Hank.

“You just talked? Can she talk?”

The guard, to Celestia’s surprise, simply nodded, not sensing any immediate danger, so he didn’t attack, but she could see his legs tense to lunge just in case.

“So if you can talk… then you’re… intelligent?”

“Sapient is another word,” Celestia said.

He nodded, then looked down to himself. “Oh, so, I’m just stark naked then.”

“And unsheathed, which is a very impolite gesture(4) around Her Highness,” said Royal Guard Hank.

Again, the creature nodded, then started walking towards the bathroom. He closed the door behind himself, the music now talking about money money money. The door opened again, his towel now covering his lower section. He repeated the door opening and closing a dozen more times, seeming to expect something to change.

A new song was playing, with the sounds of what were possibly popping bubbles, and talks about being ill.

“It’s not changing. You two aren’t going away.”

Princess Celestia and Hank the guard shook their heads, the guard having joined his princess’s side to observe.

“I see. One moment then.”

The door closed once more, and this time the music’s volume was increased extremely loud, but not loud enough to drown out the being’s sudden scream from inside.

“Nope. I’m not coming out until you’re all gone.”

It had been hours, and about half a dozen replays of the same music album, and they’d basically gotten nowhere with the being inside.

Other than learning his name was Mark, he was a human, and he was not coming out until a mysterious fellow, friend, or enemy(5) named Tom arrived to dispel the current running joke.

More guards had arrived on scene, but with no real threats other than boredom, many just stood around waiting to be useful. Kibitz had been summoned, and asked to retrieve Princess Luna from her sleep. Lastly, some nourishment for Mark in the form of fruit and flowers, although he declined the latter and squeezed the former through a small gap he’d opened with the door for brief moments.

“Really now, you’re being quite childish,” Celestia chided.

“I don’t care. I’m not coming out.”

“You have to eventually.”

“I have running water and a toilet. I’ll manage… at least a month, maybe two.”

“And if we stop bringing you food?”

“I’ll sneak out when no one’s looking. Used to do it all the time as a kid, and still do it when the boss is being a jerk.”

“Yes, but I have stationed guards, who are trained to just stand around for eight hours a day and stare at blank walls. I don’t think you’d get very far before you’d be apprehended.”

“I could bribe them.”

Celestia looked down to two of her guards, Hank and Composite, standing on either side of the bathroom door. Both stallions stared at each other for a moment.

Composite shrugged, then spoke at the door, “What do you got? You’re stuck in a bathroom.”

“Tom stashes his pot under the toilet lid.”

“Why would someone store kitchen tools in a toilet?” Hank asked.

Composite shrugged again. Princess Celestia masked a giggle with another sigh.

Finally, Kibitz returned with her sister, who didn’t appear even slightly pleased.

“Pray tell, what hast thou done this time?”

Celestia raised a hoof to her chest. “Me? I didn’t do anything! The bathroom seems to have been traded with another world’s, and brought along a passenger. And now he won’t come out.”

“So we’re besieging him, are we? Very well. Guards, bring in some fallen timbers; we shall crash down this door with a mighty swing.”

“No, Luna, we are not breaking down the bathroom door.”

“Yeah, whoever you are, you’re not breaking down my bathroom door.”

Celestia sighed again. “On this side, it’s still my door.”

“Fine, then you’re not breaking down our door.”

“Did you not try using your motherly charm to bring him out?”

“Yes, I have.”

“And of your feminine wiles? Or have those also gone within a hundred-hundred year’s time?”

Composite struggled to hold back a snicker, but Hank was quick to smack the stallion with his spear.

“It’s a thousand, please remember that. And no, I think we’re already beyond that.”

Luna raised a brow.

“He walked around here, unsheathed, and then raised my tail.”

“Hey, not my fault!” Mark shouted from the door. “Our junk just kinda hangs there, and I didn’t know you were a sentient talking horse.”

“Sapient!” Celestia and five other guards called back.

“Whatever!”

Luna nodded. “Very well, then let me take a, as I’ve heard used, crack at it.”

With a wave of her hoof, Celestia walked away from the door to allow her sister her turn.

She approached, then knocked gently on the door.

“Creature—”

“It’s Mark! I already told you guys that!”

Luna huffed. “Fine, Mark, please come out.”

“No!”

“Fine.”

Celestia and two guards ducked just in time as the door came flying off its hinges, crashing into the opposite book-covered wall as nothing but splinters.

Mark was sitting on the toilet, a white roll in his hands.

“Wow, like, if you needed to go, you could have just asked. I’m almost done.”

“Huzzah, the door has been, as they said, taken a crack at! It is time to come out and accept thine punishment, foal.”

“Excuse me, MC Hammer, but I didn’t just break down the door.”

“Nay, but your transgressions by entering this castle unwelcomed, and then entrenching thyself in this lavatory must not go unpunished.”

Celestia facehoofed.

“Look, I’m sure once Tom comes off his high, this will all be fixed.”

“Tom? Who is this Tom?” Luna asked.

“We don’t know, it’s who he keeps complaining about, and why he says he won’t come out,” Celestia said.

“Very well. You, guard! Go find us a Tom!”

The guard saluted, rushing out the door.

“Make sure he smells really funny, he’s probably doped up real good by now!” Mark shouted back, then looked down to the roll of paper in his hand. He then addressed the Lunar princess, “Also can you all like, just turn around while I finish up here?”

So they did, allowing him to clean up and wash his hands.

“Thanks.”

Celestia and Luna turned back around, both of them sticking their long necks into the doorway.

“Of course, we wouldn’t want to make this awkward,” Celestia said with a grin.

“Oh no, of course not, not after everything that’s gone on already.”

“You are the unsheathed one here,” Luna noted.

Mark looked down. “Damn it, the towel.” He pulled it back up and around his waist.

“So once we have this Tom, will you come out?”

“Probably not.”

Luna sighed.

“No, not like that. I mean… I’ve been in here, having a lot of time to think.”

“Five hours’ worth of thinking…” Composite mumbled.

“... and I’ve been just trying to come to terms with the fact that… none of this makes sense. I’m not in my apartment, I’m not in Kansas anymore, I did not collect two hundred dollars or pass go.”

Both royal sisters raised a brow at him.

“And to top it all off, you’re all a bunch of talking horses.”

“Ponies,” corrected Celestia and five of her guards.

“Whatever! Point is, I’ve not had any drugs in two days, so I know this isn’t a bad high. This is… I don’t know what!” Mark waved his hands in the air.

“So why not come out? Maybe we can help?” Celestia asked.

“’Cause… I dunno, I think if I stay in here, maybe suddenly I’ll poof back to normal? See our cruddy-ass apartment with the broken couch and Mega Bong on the coffee table, and my… oh man, my sixty-four incher! God that took me forever to save up for. Now how am I gonna play my Call of Duty?”

“With the toilet, we’d hope,” Luna said.

“He’s already done that,” replied Composite.

Somehow, Hank’s spear found its way around the two princesses and managed to slap the pegasus guard.

“Mark, if you come out here, so we can talk, maybe we can solve this mystery and get you home?”

He continued to stand there, in the middle of his bathroom, contemplating.

“Well?” Celestia asked.

“Hold on, I’m thinking.”

“Truly, you must be the wisest of your species,” Luna said with a roll of her eyes.

“Alright, I’ll come out on one condition.”

“Naive foal, you have no leverage to—”

Luna was silenced with one of Celestia’s wings.

“Alright Mark, what is it?”

“Can I get some clothes?”

Celestia smiled. “Of course, we can make something work. Our maid Ensemble is quite talented with her stitch work.”

“Hella. Okay, I think then I’m ready.”

Mark began walking out, but then hesitated.

“Wait.”

“Now what?” Luna asked, but was again silenced by her sister.

Hastily, Mark opened the mirror, grabbing a, presumably his, toothbrush. Then lifted the toilet lid up and tore off a plastic bag that had been taped to the underside of the lid. Lastly, he unplugged the black radio, wrapping the cord around the handle.

He brought those three items with him. “Alright, let's do this.”

Both royal sisters parted so that Mark could exit, and he peered around at the assembly of guards. “Do, uh, we really need this many of them around?”

Celestia shook her head. “Probably not, no.”

Mark then looked to the doorway, and at a particular pegasus. “Hey, smartmouth.”

“Corporal Smartmouth, Sir.” Composite saluted with a wing.

“I like him, can he just come?”

Luna was on the verge of a shouting fit, a visible vein throbbing along her neck. Celestia simply nodded with a sly smile. “But of course, and I’ll have Hank come along for my own protection.”

“Your Highness,” Hank said with acceptance.

“Cool. So, uh, I guess… lead the way?”

And so two alicorn princesses, two guards, and one human with nothing but a towel, toothbrush, a bag of “medicinal” pot, and his boombox with his No Strings Attached(6) album wandered out of Princess Celestia’s study, and down the hall.

Mark began asking questions, and Celestia was nothing, if not excited, to share and learn from a new being in her kingdom. There was little doubt in Luna’s mind they’d become fast friends, and it worried her.

Hours later, once things in the study had returned to relative normality, a lone Royal Guard pushed along at a snail’s pace a massive boulder, resting against it to catch his breath.

“Your… Highness… I have… located… a Tom!”

However, no princesses were there to greet him. Just another lone guard who stood next to the closed study door. Small orange cones blocked the entrance, as well as yellow caution tape in a criss cross pattern on the door’s frame.

With a defeated sigh, he began pushing the large rock back the way he’d come.

(*)It was a known fact many non-equine like creatures had issues with some Equestrian dialects. Gryphons, hippogryphs, and even dragons would have issues with some words.

(1) It was another well-known fact that no matter what species you were, all women hated it when guys left the seat up. It was just as rude as not lifting the seat at all.

(2)Monthly maintenance was required, usually involving water pressure, mineral oils, and in extreme cases, a specially made spoon. Every medical examination left most of the stallions walking funny for a few hours.

(3)If he actually knew anything about horses, then he’d know to be a little more careful about walking around her rear like he did.

(4)Seasons of Estrus made this increasingly difficult, but guards, both male and female, were trained well and strict.

(5)How Mark talked about this person named Tom, it was impossible to figure out their social standing, but she figured it was akin to Trixie Lulamoon and Twilight Sparkle. One passive aggressive, and the other blissfully ignorant to it.

(6)It was a well-known and guilty fact that most pre-teen males growing up at the tail end of the ’90s had the unfortunate attraction to the boy bands that their older, much more teen sisters(6a) were obsessed with.

(6a)Mark did not, in fact, have a sister.