You’re Fired!

by Twilight Glimmer

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 2677

Knit Wit tries to find a job. No further explanation necessary.

Different jobs require different kinds of skills...

How do you keep a job if you have no skills?

Knit Wit is back

Published 2019-05-13 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-03-29 02:54:47 UTC

The Hayburger Restaurant

It was a warm, summer day, and a white pony with light brown and red hair was walking the busy streets of Ponyville. He had just moved there from Dodge Junction, and he needed a job. The stallion looked around, accidentally bumping into several things in the process. Then, he saw a Help Wanted sign hanging on the door to the local fast food restaurant. After examining the sign for several minutes, he was able to sound it out.

“Th-uh Huh-ay Buh-buh-ur-guh-er? The Hay-Burger? The Hay-Burger! I could get a job there!” he said joyfully. He pushed and pushed and pushed, but the door just wouldn’t open. “Maybe it’s broken,” he thought.

Then, a dark green unicorn walked up behind him and said sternly, “You pull the door open, genius.” She rolled her eyes and walked away.

“Wow! This place is huge!” he thought as he slowly walked into the restaurant.

“Would you like a table?” asked the petite waitress holding a tray of burgers with her magic.

“Actually, I’m here for a job,” the stallion replied.

“Well, you’re in luck, we need a new fry cook, and the manager is getting desperate, (between you and me I don’t think she cares if hires one of the most dangerous villains in Equestria, the poor mare has been working herself to insanity trying to find someone to replace Silver Spatula).”

“She sounds like she needs some help. I like helping. Can I replace Silver Spatula? Pretty please with sprinkles on top?”

She waitress sighed and said, “Alright, I’ll go find her. Don’t stress yourself out over talking to her, she’s really chill, you’ll be fine.”

A pony with her royal blue hair done up in a messy bun walked out of the kitchen. Shee looked Knit Wit over and asked tiredly, “Can you cook?”

Knit Wit unsurely answered, “Uh, yes?”

The overworked mare nodded and said, “You’re hired. Go make some burgers, fry boy, the lunch rush is just starting!”

Knit Wit walked into the kitchen. There was this weird brack-scratcher next to a black table with dials. He picked it up, but he realized that it wouldn’t be nice to use that nice mare’s backscratcher without her permission. Then, he heard a stallion behind him snickering. “Are you the guy who’s going to replace Silver?” he asked.

“Yep! Do you think that manager lady will be okay if I use her backscratcher?”

The other stallion started laughing harder. “Do you seriously not know what that is?!” Knit Wit shook his head. “This is a spatula,” the other stallion said while holding up the contraption. He then walked over to the ‘black table’. “This is a grill,” he said condescendingly. He motioned towards the comically large freezer. “This is a freezer, we freeze the hay-meat in here. You take a patty from the freezer, put it on the grill, flip it with the spatula, put it on a bun, put some toppings on top of it, and put a bun on top of that. You got all that?”

Knit Wit was confused. None of the things that the nice man was talking about made sense, but he didn’t want his new friend to not like him anymore. So he just smiled and smiled and nodded exitedly.

“Okay then, give a holler if you need anything!” Shake said as he got back to work.

Knit Wit decided that he should probably start flipping burgers to make Shake proud. He went into the freezer, and was amazed at the size of it. “Wowy, this is the hugest freezer I ever saw!” Knit Wit thought as he walked through rows of frozen hay-patties.”My new job is amazing!”

Suddenly, he heard a voice from outside. “Hey! Fry boy!” yelled the blue-haired mare. Knit Wit came out of the freezer, and smiled and waved to the mare like she was a famous pop star. “Get to work! We have orders piled up to next Tuesday!”

“Yes ma’am!” Knit Wit said as he grabbed an order card. “A sal-lad?What’s that? It’s that thing with the green leaves, right? Oh boy! I’ve always wanted to make one of those!” He grabbed a chef hat from the corner and put it on, then he turned on the grill.

Knit Wit cut up the lettuce quickly. He almost cut himself several times, but he was too focused on getting the customer’s order just right. He looked at the cut up lettuce, and proceeded to put it in a pan. He then took the pan and placed it on the grill. A few minutes later, the lettuce was dry and crumbly. “Perfect! I’m the bestest cook ever! he thought as he transferred the burnt lettuce into a bowl.

One could tell that the pony at table 9 was important from a mile away. He had a fancy tie on, professional looking glasses, and a distinct Canterlot accent that few ponies had, despite Canterlot being the most populated city in Equestria. One thing that most ponies didn’t know about him was that he had a quick temper and pushing his buttons was a bad idea.

“Here you are, sir!” Knit Wit said as he placed the ‘sal-lad’ in front of the pony.

“This isn’t what I ordered.” The stallion said with gritted teeth.

“What do you mean, sir? It’s a sal-lad. It’s what you put on the cute little note card.”

“I asked for a salad, not BURNT LETTUCE!”

“I didn’t think that you would want to eat raw lettuce. I’m sorry sir!”

“Well I’m sorry that you’re a bucking moron!” The stallion’s shouting quickly alerted the manager.

“Is there a problem, sir?” asked the manager.

“Problem?! Yes, there’s a problem! This DUNDERHEAD burnt my salad!”

The manager was in shock. “You burnt his salad?!”

“I didn’t think that he wanted it raw. I’m sorry manager lady.”

”Get out of my restaurant! I’d rather have to find a whole new staff then have somepony work for me who BURNT A SALAD!”

“So I can come back tomorrow, right?” Knit Wit asked, clearly unaffected by his employer’s fit of rage.

“No! You can’t come back tomorrow. You’re fired! In fact, I’m going to BAN you from this restaurant. Forever!”

“Aw, man!” Knit Wit said as he walked out. “Now I have to find a new job.”

Author's Note

Hope you guys liked it! Comment below where you want me to have Knit Wit work next and have a nice day!

Don’t forget to join my fan group! Here’s the link!

Quills and Sofas

Knit Wit walked down the streets of Ponyville, ready to start his second day of job hunting. He got a few nasty looks from some ponies, who had heard about how he got fired from his previous job, but he didn’t notice. After about an hour of wandering through town, he stumbled upon another ‘Help Wanted’ sign. This one was in front of ‘Quills and Sofas’. Knit Wit walked into the store and saw a periwinkle pony with grey hair selling a sofa to someone.

“Thank you for your patronage, ma’am. It was a pleasure doing business with you.” The unicorn levitated the sofa out of the store and walked over to Knit Wit. “How do you do, sir? Would you like to buy a sofa or a quill?”

“Do you sell jobs here?” Knit Wit asked.

“Huh?”

“I’m here for a job. Do you guys sell jobs here?”

The unicorn laughed for a while following that statement. “Such a kidder. Do you mind me asking what your cutie mark symbols?” She motioned to the black question mark on the stallion’s flank.

“My flank couldn’t decide which cutie mark it wanted, so it decided to be a question mark.”

“Erm, okay. I guess you’re hired then. Can you watch the store for 30 minutes while I go get some more quills from the next town over?”

“Yes, Ma’am! I promise I won’t let you down!”

“Great. Here’s a list stating what each sofa costs. Quills are 5 bits each, no exceptions. Don’t screw this up!” The mare said sternly as she walked out the door.

Just as the periwinkle mare left, another pony with a blue coat walked in. Knit Wit tried to remember what that mare had said to him when he had walked in. “Hello! Would you like to buy a sill or a quofa?”

“I’m here to buy a sofa,” the pony said with a confused look on her face. “What are some of your recommendations?”

“I don’t know, I started working here 65 seconds ago. They all look really neat to me.”

The mare motioned towards a burgundy-colored sofa on the far end of the store. “What about that one? It would go magnificently with my rug!” She looked at the tag describing the features of the sofa. “It says it was hoofmade from the finest velvet known to ponykind. This sounds perfect! How much does it cost?”

Knit Wit looked at the list the periwinkle mare had given him.

Hoofmade Velvet Sofa: 3k bits.

“3k? What does that mean? Oh! It means it okay to pay three bits for it!” Knit Wit thought. “That sofa costs three bits, ma’am.”

“Three bits!? I heard you guys had low prices, but not THAT LOW! I’ll take it!” The mare said excitedly. She decided not to ask for help moving the sofa and got it out of the store before somepony else jumped at this amazing deal.

On the other end of the store, there was a young couple who had overheard Knit Wit sell a high-quality couch for three bits.

“Hey, Jade,” the stallion whispered to his wife.” Did you see that? That idiotic stallion gave that pony a hoofmade couch for three bits!”

“I know, right! We could score a cheap couch here after all!”

“Just follow my lead, babe.”

The stallion walked over to Knit Wit. “Excuse me, sir, my wife and I would like to buy a sofa. We’d like the highest quality one that you possess.”

Jade had to use all her self-control to not crack a smile at the whole situation. “Ooh! Look at that one, honey!” She pointed at a sofa in the far end in the store. It had a gold plated plaque by it that said

Memory Foam sofa with Taaffeit accents.

This marvelous sofa will make you wonder why you ever sat on anything else. This is the first piece of furniture in Equestria to use memory foam technology. As a bonus, the armrests feature real Taaffeite crystals! Available at the starting price of 8k Equestrian bits.

“Would you like to buy this sofa?” Knit Wit asked. The stallion looked slyly at his wife and nodded. “That’ll be 8 bits, sir!” The couple could hardly contain themselves as they handed Knit Wit the money and hauled the luxurious sofa out of the store.

The next pony to walk up to Knit Wit was a stallion who was a bit on the short side. “Good afternoon, sir,” Knit Wit said. “Would you like to buy a sofa or a quill?”

“One quill, please, good sir.”

“That will be five bits, please.”

“Oh, fiddlesticks! I only have 4 bits! Do you think you can let me go with an I.O.U.?”

“Okay! The customer is always right!”

The stallion payed and he walked out the door. As he walked out, the periwinkle mare came back. “Oh, hey, you. Did you sell anything?”

“Yep, I sold that hoofmade velvet sofa for 3 bits, that memory foam sofa with those weird crystals for 8 bits, and a quill for four bits!”

The mare’s left eye began to twitch. “THIS IS SUCH A SIMPLE JOB! HOW DID YOU MESS THIS UP?!”

“I just looked at the paper you gave me. I don’t know how I messed this up either. Those ponies just looked so happy with those sofas.”

“I don’t care about the sofas! Any idiot can find nice sofas these days! I can’t believe you sold a quill for FOUR BITS! I told you five bits per quill, no exceptions! I'm afraid I’m going to have to terminate your employment for this.”

“What does that mean?”

”IT MEANS GET OUT OF HERE AND NEVER COME BACK!”

“Aw, man!” Knit Wit said as he walked out the door. “Where am I gonna work now?”

Author's Note

This was finished earlier than I expected. Hope you enjoyed it! Where should Knit Wit work next? Comment below and have a nice day! :twilightsmile:

Canterlot's Royal Guard

"So, you would like to join Canterlot's Royal Guard?" Corporal Silver Blade asked as he looked down at a piece of paper that laid at his desk. "It seems that you have no references, no past public service experience, no
law enforcement experience, and you don't have a name related to protection or weapons or bravery."

"All of what you just said is correct, sir!" Knit Wit replied with an earnest smile.

"We've only had one other person apply without a guard related name..." Sliver said as he gazed off into the distance. "Well, can you run?"

"Oh yeah, I got lots of practice running from things."

"Okay then, any special abilies?".

"My grandma says I'm really good at knitting."

"Good, good. Do ya like friendship?"

"Well, friendship is magic, after all. And magic results in friendship!"

Silver nodded, "I'll take that as a yes. I guess that means you're hired."

Knit Wit smiled. "Thank you sir, I'll do my best to protect the princesses!"

Knit Wit hopped out of his office as the same time as Courageous Heart walked in.

"That pony looked rather familiar, sir," he said as he looked back at Knit Wit.

"What do you mean 'familiar', kid?"

Courageous looked down at his hooves. "About this time two years ago didn't a pony who looked similar to him come in the castle to ask a question? And the whole nation shut down for a whole day?"

"Well, it was probably just some stuck up teenaged noblepony who came in to ask about his father's estate or something like that. That pony looked way too down to earth to be like that."

"Yeah, you're right, sir."

Twenty-two hours later...

"Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you could help me find something," Cheerful Breeze said as she looked up at Knit Wit in his full set of armor.

"Well, what do you need help with?" Knit Wit replied.

"I need to find the room that has the weapons from past wars. I'm doing a science project you see, and I was hoping you could give me some directions."

"Oh, you're talking about the secret room that I'm not supposed to let anyone into. I'll make an exception for you since I don't think a filly like you can cause much damage. I suppose the quickest way for you to get there of for me to draw you a map."

He pulled out a nearby pencil and haphazardly drew a map on a sticky note. He had memorized the hall he was assigned to by heart already, though his drawing skills didn't do much to reflect that.

Cheerful smiled. "Okay then, thank you sir!" She then skipped off to her destination. She was a bit concerned with how she was handed a map like that so nonchalantly, but she knew that this would be over quickly with no casualties.

Author's Note

I love having the power to make anything I want canon. Happy early Easter to those that celebrate it!

This is kind of a shitpost so that's why its so short, and if you want to know what significance this map has click the link. I literally did not think this through at all I just thought it would be funny, so for those of you who wanted a Royal guard chapter, here you go.

*accidentally unpublished while making edits the following morning, sorry guys*