Chuck Norris Gets Stoned (E-Rated Edition so Andre Can Read It At His Everfree Northwest Bad Fanfiction Panel)
Once upon a time, a large cloud drifted over Ponyville. But this was no ordinary cloud. This was a cloud made of cotton candy! And there was only one creature who could be behind this:
Tempest Shadow!
Now, dear reader(s), you may be saying to yourself right now, “Hey, isn’t that Discord’s schtick?” And you’d be right. But today was no ordinary day. Today was…
Tax day! And Tempest shadow had helped Discord file his taxes. Yes, even immortal draconequises… draconequi? (spelling?) have to prop up the crown. He is a citizen of Equestria, after all. So how did Tempest Shadow of all ponies end up the one to assist him? Well you see, it all started three days ago, back in a different, simpler time. A time before the great cotton candy cloud disaster of ‘08. Three days ago, Ponyville was very different. Three days ago…
...Three Days Ago:
Gosh darn- Tempest mused as she was tackled by Pinkie Pie.
“TEMPEST!” The pink mare screeched, slapping the unicorn repeatedly. “CHILD FRIENDLY!”
“Urk.” Tempest slapped Pinkie in return, resulting in a face-slapping party extravaganza taking place in the center of Ponyville, attracting the attention of creatures from all over the world*.
*Such as heffalumps, jackalopes, and Jersey Devils
Eventually, this attracted the attention of your mom. See, your mom is really good at slapping your dad. And in turn, your dad was good at slapping you.
Which brings us to your daddy issues.
And by us, I mean me, your therapist. I know it’s a delicate issue, but know that you can talk to me. You don’t have to, but know you can. We can also try EMDR, if you like.
Anyway, as your therapist, I’d like you to continue your story about Tempest Shadow and Taxes and what have you. I’m sure we can wrangle some deep freudian globbity gloop out of it.
Okay so, Tempest and Pinkie kept slapping each other until…
SUDDENLY, THE GOD OF THUNDER, ZEUS, TEARS THE SKY TO SHREDS!
“SHOW ME WHAT YOU’VE GOT.” Zeus boomed, before suddenly being tackled by a large, communist bear.
How do we know the bear was communist? Well, it was wearing one of those communist hats I don’t know the name of, and the Soviet national anthem was playing whereever it went, but the biggest tip off was that its roar sounded distinctly like it was saying “Death to imperialist swine! Long live Mother Russia!”
Now, this was no ordinary bear. This was a giant STAR BEAR! Also known as an Ursa Minor. Even though it’s smaller than an Ursa Major, it’s still freaking huge. That’s how it was able to tackle Zeus. And when it did…
Zeus and giant Star-Bear tumbled down the hill, hitting every possible rock, twig, and thorn that there was to hit. They were just that huge. Also, have I ever told the story about-
The sound of a keyboard clattering to the floor crackled through the air as Pinkie proceeded to slap the co-author, Techie, for leading the story off-track.
ANYWAYS, as the two continued to wrestle (That is, the god and the bear), the cotton candy cloud began to drift eerily towards Canterlot…
What sort of authors are we, if we do not describe how this cotton candy cloud originated. But first, you’re probably wondering why the Ursa Minor is a commie. Well, Trixie has a natural knack for running into Ursa Minors. So when she and Starlight Glimmer were looking around for a good make-out cave (they both love exploring caves), they ran into one.
Fortunately, Starlight is great at brainwashing, and five paragraphs into Das Kapital, had created a new comrade!
Anyway, back to the cloud. You see, one day Discord was bored, so he created a giant cloud of cotton candy. That’s all. I suppose you were hoping for a more in-depth explanation, but alas, I have none to give you.
That is, unless Discord had more… malicious plans for the cloud… Namely, as the cloud drew closer to the city, it grew legs. Then ears, and as it settled into hovering just above Canterlot Castle, the face of none other than Flufflepuff emerged from the cloud.
“PPPPFPFPFTTTHHHFFPFPFPPBPBBBTTTT!!!” the cloud roared thunderously. The giant pink tongue of the beast rained chocolate milk spittle down upon the poor citizens of Canterlot. The pegasi were helpless to stop it, as this was a chaotic cloud, bereft of harmony and adrift upon winds of its own creation. What was to be done? Who would stop this menace? Why, none other than…
Our good buddy, lord and savior Chuck Norris the First of the Dream Realm of Ultimate Reality. How did he stop it? Why, by absorbing the thing into his hidden third fist, of course. There had been rumors of one for many years, even after he shaved his beard, breaking the world’s supply of diamond-encrusted razors in an instant. However, this fist wasn’t hidden within his beard, but rather…
His Mind. Like, woah, man, far out. Funny considering how much he hates hippies. Chuck Norris absorbed the Flufflepuffian cloud with the fist of his mind. That would have been the end of things, but…
Tempest Shadow had also been in that Ursa Minor cave. She was seeking closure for the Ursa Minor breaking her horn so many years ago, but instead had been brainwashed by Starlight Glimmer into being a communist. So when she, whilst wandering the badlands being a badbutt loner, had received the news about Chuck Norris, she knew she had to intervene. After all, Chuck Norris and Commies hate each other. And so she issued him a challenge. She said…
“FUS ROH DAH!” The unicorn fired her lasers, narrowly missing Chuck Norris. But only because ol’ Mister Norris bent the laser’s path, causing the beam to ricochet about the cave, piercing Tempest’s horn, and causing the darn thing to pop back up like it was Deadpool’s regenerating hand or something.
...Also, what happened to Pinkie Pie?
Well, dear reader, I’m glad you asked. You see, after all that slapping she did with Tempest Shadow, she really worked up an appetite. So she went to the mirror pool, created a clone, and then bashed that clone’s head in with a rock and ate the clone. So then she wasn’t hungry anymore. But that’s not what Pinkie would do. After all, the mare was still in the real-world mashing the keyboard on the ground as she shouted “CHILD FRIENDLY!” over and over. So how did Pinkie manage to duplicate herself without anybody knowing, and have that clone subsequently become a cannibal? Let’s just say that there’s much more than simply party cannons in Pinkie’s mane...
And as for Tempest Shadow, well, she Kicked one of those balls that freezes you in stone at Chuck Norris, and he thought it was a bomb and so he caught it, planning on hurling it back. But instead he was calcified, and the Flufflepuff cloud escaped from his stoned body. It’s funny because Chuck Norris hates being stoned.
Anyway Discord was thankful for getting his cloud back, and realized that Tempest Shadow was really smart, and so asked her to help him with his taxes, and so she did, and so he let her have the cloud as a thank you present, and to this day Chuck Norris is stoned. The end.
OR IS IT?!?!
*Keyboard bashing noises*
