"So anyway, in conclusion, the three cornerstones of friendship are love, trust and... what the heck is going on over there?"
A bespectacled Twilight glanced up from her carefully prepared notes to furrow her brow in frustration at her usually well-behaved class, who seemed to be intent on ignoring everything she said in the lesson.
How rude, when she spent the entire night formulating everything together! She even abridged all words from the text which were more than five syllables long... and that was half the material alone. Educational standards had really dumbed down since she was a precocious filly, studying advanced spellbooks at the age of eight...
Setting her students unfair targets? Of course not!!
Besides, this kind of disruptive behaviour was most unlike them. Okay, sometimes Smoulder amused the rest of the group with her 'hilarious' armpit concertos, or a few silently snickered as Ocellus changed shape to pay 'homage' to their headmare by imitating her various neurotic poses.
But this level of wanton naughtiness... it was simply unheard of! Completely unacceptable! Beyond the pale!
...And if they didn't do a lot better in their next Friendship Exam, it might reflect badly on her abilities as a mentor. She'd worked too long and sacrificed too much coffee to surrender her deserved reputation as a inspirational instructor to blind ignorance, so she did the unthinkable in the middle of a prolonged lecture...
She cleared her throat. ~~Horsely~~ Hoarsely.
"A-hem..." She gazed sternly at her inattentive pupils who seemed to be alternating between whispering loudly to each other and subtly passing scrawled notes. "What, may I ask, is so enthralling that it commands more of your attention than a four-hour dissertation on the finer aspects of Friendship? This may come as a shock to you all, but you have to know this kind of stuff to graduate. The clue is in the name of the school, ya know? I want to be able to standing on that stage with the rest of your teachers and Chancellor Neighsay, as you accept your certificates and throw your hats in the air with pride. I do not want to take my weekly visit to the Hayburger and see any of you standing behind the counter wearing a greasy apron, asking if 'I want fries to go'! All of you have a lot more potential than that, and I fear if you don't allow me to guide you the difficult road ahead, all that burgeoning aptitude may well be squandered..."
"Miss, can we ask you something, please?" Gallus hated to stop Twilight in her prime... well actually, no he didn't. But he had a question to ask, and if it helped give his exhausted ears a break, then so much the better.
"What? You mean, about what I was saying? Are you telling me... every creature was listening after all?" Twilight immediately felt guilty for chewing out her dear class with such unwarranted ferocity. Perhaps I misjudged them after all. Oh Twilight, when are you ever going to learn to stop jumping to conclusions? As if anypony could ever find your speeches borin...
"Well... not really. After all, it is kind of the same old stuff. No offence." Smoulder shrugged her shoulders dismissively at her tutor's question.
"Yeah. I'm not trying to sound rude but... didn't we kind of hear this exact talk last week? Minus a few minor passages, of course." Sandbar was nothing but honest and forthright.
"Hmm, I was wondering what that weird feeling of deja vu meant. Now I remember: this is mostly the same thing as before! Problem solved!" Ocellus had apparently noticed the similarities as well, but was slightly more diplomatic about it.
"Who cares if we know all this already? Learning together is fun!!" Once again, short of telling Silverstream that Hippogriffia had been swept away by a random underwater vortex, nothing could erode her irrepressible happiness.
"Can Yona go to the toilet? She think she have too much grass for breakfast." The desperate fidgety yak had her own priorities in mind quite apart from the rest of her peers... who would be probably be evacuating the room themselves if she was unable to get to a lavatory in time.
"Alright every creature, one elected speaker at a time please." Twilight rapped the desk with a nearby ruler to let them know who was boss. "Gallus, you were the first to talk. Without putting your talon up come to think of it, but I'll overlook that indiscretion just this once. Anyway, what was the question you wanted to ask which was so important you decided to disturb my address? I don't stay up all night organising every minute paragraph for the sake of my health, you know."
"Alrighty, then." Gallus nodded, and without further ado launched straight into his query. "Me and the others were wondering: why do you have a slightly longer horn than most other mares your age? Like Miss Rarity, for example. Sandbar said it had something to do with your 'ascension to godhood', but he doesn't know any of the other details. Could you fill us in on what exactly happened?"
To a chorus of voices repeating mantras like 'yes, please!' and 'we want to know!', Twilight's usually calm demeanour disappeared as she went as white as an Opalescence. But under so much direct pressure and pathetic grovelling from her pupils, the reluctant headmare had little choice but to answer the question. In a completely radical move for her though, she decided to condense factual events as much as possible.
"Well if you must know, after I finished Starswirl's spell and helped all my mixed-up friends recover their true selves, Princess Celestia summoned me to another realm where she said I'd earned the right to be a princess. Next thing I knew, I was back in Ponyville... with wings, a few feet taller and with a longer horn than before. An alicorn, in other words."
"You mean... she just gave you those powers, and changed your appearance forever, without even consulting you first?" Ocellus suddenly jumped in unexpectedly. At least when changelings switch to another form, they always had the option of transforming back.
"I-It was a true honour being selected as a member of the royal family, a-and I use my powers every day for the betterment of Equestria." A petulant Twilight stammered her response, not really answering the question in the process. "So anyway, now you know. Being an alicorn equals being lanky, growing feathery nubs, living forever and having a big pointy thing. Happy now? Let's return to the designated schedule, shall we..."
"Wait a second, Headmare Twilight..." It seemed to be a day of interruptions for the beleaguered princess, and now it was Smoulder's turn to cut her off. "Could you tell us more about your 'big pointy thing', please? And how does it make you more powerful than say, other unicorns?"
"Well, anything to get a bit of peace and quiet..." Twilight growled in annoyance, but was careful to mind her language in front of the impressionable youngsters. "Basically, because of its extra length and size, I can fill it full of a lot more energy than others of my kind. What I do is I build up the stuff until it grows and grows, then when I eventually reach a climax it come spurting out in a glorious display of power. I don't mind telling you, that's the most exciting part by far!"
For some reason, a ripple of giggles seemed to echo across the room at that moment, but Twilight was either lost in her own thoughts or didn't think they meant anything. Either way, they were ignored.
"Wow, that sounds so cool!" Silverstream was enraptured with the headmare's description of her skills, and tried to find out more. "Is that what happened with Tirek? I bet you gave him what for!"
"I certainly did!" Twilight grinned, quite pleased with her captive audience. Usually she preferred to be praised for her extensive scholarly talents, but this was fine as well. "When I swung it at him, and he saw it pulsate with power, you should've seen the look on his face! He aimed his discharge at me, but as soon as my friends got involved, he had no chance! We all took it in turns to suck the very life out of him, and he was naught but a shell of himself. And mark my words: when we find him again, we'll do exactly the same thing!"
The hoots and hollers around the class were far more obvious now, but Twilight was in her element and thought they were just sounds of appreciation for her magnificent victory.
"But... don't you miss the days when you had a smaller appendage?" Sandbar enquired, hiding his expression while he asked as if he had a dirty mark on his cheek.
"Well, now and then I do..." Twilight sighed with nostalgia, thinking of her far simpler days in Canterlot. "But I have to say, the procedure was totally worth it. Now I look in the mirror at my new addition with pride, and it's hardness and texture feel completely natural to me, even if I wasn't born with it. It's grown with me as I've grown as a pony... and I know, that whatever challenges and conquests I may face in the future, my special friend will never let me down. One of these days, I might show you a demonstration of my prowess utilising it. With parental permission first, of course."
"Yona about to explode!!" The constipated bovine, who had not been following the extended class conversation or ever-growing laughter at all, was about to blow up with the need to drop a load. It was only a matter of seconds, before the common phrase 'as smelly as a heap of fresh yak droppings' would take on a whole new unwelcome meaning...
Luckily for her (and every creature else's nostrils), the bell to indicate the end of the session rung, and next was Miss Pinkie and whatever insane craziness the party pony could throw at them. You were advised to carry protective gear with you, that's all they were warned. Something custard-proof, to be specific.
"Don't forget to take your homework with you! Just because you all managed to con me into talking too much just now, doesn't mean I'll allow you to skip the work I set! You can finish it off tonight, in your own time!" Twilight warned her students as they left, in case any of them thought they'd pulled the wool over her eyes.
Strangely enough though, none of the departees seemed particularly bothered, with Gallus especially cheerful as he smugly approached Smoulder walking nearby. "See? I told you I could get her to say all that naughty stuff. Thought I must say, it turned out better than even my wildest expectations! Now, pay up."
"You don't have to rub it in. Fine, you win." Smoulder seemed mildly irritated as he handed over a small wrapped piece of chewing gum. "Still, it was totally worth it. Especially Sandbar, getting her to over-exaggerate like that! Well done also, to Silverstream! Bringing all that stuff up about Tirek was genius! Everything went so swimmingly!"
"I-I couldn't help myself, it was too tempting..." Sandbar lowered his head in shame at being egged by the crowd so easily. "I hope my parents never find out about this. I'm supposed to be a role model for other ponies at this school, not someone who encourages the most smutty kinds of innuendo..."
"What are we talking about? Did you say something about swimming? I love swimming!" Silverstream beamed, as blissfully naive as ever.
"Aarrrgh!!!" Ocellus exclaimed, just managing to transform herself into a mouse in time so she could avoid a stampeding yak from squashing her flat.
"Aaaahhh!!!" breathed Yona in relief, as she made it to the little ponies room just in time... only to find to her horror, the tiny cubicles installed recently by feckless builders were rather too teeny for a creature of her considerable bulk. "Uh oh..."
Meanwhile, following the other pupils outside was a fly on the wall. A literal fly, enchanted by Twilight long ago to eavesdrop on whatever the youngsters said, so any unfortunate incidences like the time they'd wandered off without permission would never be repeated.
"Oh, how cute! They thought I was talking about my horn! Well, what they won't know won't hurt them, I suppose." The princess noted with a yawn, before uncrossing her hind legs to unfurl a twenty inch penis.
Author's Note
This kind of story is completely out of my comfort zone... but I thought, you only live once, so let's try something new. Hope it didn't disappoint, and I'll be back with more stuff very soon. 
