Only a Mother’s Love
Scootaloo could hardly keep her eyes open with Cheerilee droning on about Equestrian History, it was the third time that week she’d almost fallen asleep in class. It wasn’t that she didn’t like history, far from it in fact, it was just that she hardly cared about studies these days. She had been struggling with her grades for quite some time, last term was nearly it for her. She recalled the meeting with Cheerilee.
***
“Scootaloo, I know you’re a very intelligent young mare but you have to apply yourself. The Equestrian Board of Education is considering having you repeat this year.” Cheerilee said, her normal cheerful smile was a thin line. “I think that might be the best option. I know it’s been hard for you lately, but if you would just turn in your homework on time we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“Miss Cheerilee I know you want to help but I just... “ Scootaloo looked down at the floor, finding the words difficult to speak. “I want to find a place on my own. I’m trying my best but it’s never enough! I don’t have anypony to tell me what I’m doing right or what I’m doing wrong.” She sighed heavily, knowing that wasn’t entirely true. She had plenty of ponies in her life to guide her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”
Cheerilee gently patted the filly’s foreleg. “It’ll be okay, we just need to find what works for you. Why don’t you talk to Rainbow Dash? I’m sure she could help you if you just asked. You always looked up to her so much when you were younger.”
“Dash is too busy with Wonderbolt stuff now. I don’t think she has time to help me figure out what my problems are.”
“That might be true, but I know a pony who can help you.” Cheerilee said quietly. She looked around the empty schoolhouse, glancing over textbooks and art projects from earlier in the year. “I know you love your aunts very much, Scootaloo, but I think you need a mother’s love.”
***
She snapped back to reality, if she wanted to pass this year, she had to pay attention after all. Scootaloo scribbled notes in her book, taking the time to write down most of what Cheerilee had been droning on about for the last thirty minutes. “Hey Sweetie, do you have the notes from earlier? I forgot to write them down.” She blushed realizing just how obvious it was she hadn’t been paying attention.
Sweetie Belle giggled softly under her breath and slid the notes to her pegasus friend. “Here, I underlined what you need to study. If you want me to help tutor you after school, I’m free later tonight. Apple Bloom will be there too, you know she wants to be here but it’s harvest season.”
“I know, Sweetie, thanks for the notes. I have to do some important stuff after school though. I have to talk with Twilight about something.
Sweetie cocked an eyebrow at her friend, “Oh really? What do you have to talk to her about?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s really personal, I’ll tell you and Bloom about it tomorrow when we hang out okay?” Scootaloo said, almost too quickly. She wasn’t entirely sure what the meeting was about yet, but Cheerilee said it had something to do with a ‘Mother’s Love’. Whatever that meant. She stifled a yawn, Cheerilee wouldn’t be happy if she fell asleep in class.
“That, fillies and colts, is how General Hurricane defeated the Ice Hydra and united the Pegasus tribes of Canterlot. I’d like to remind you all that your history project is due next friday, and I’d like you all to think of a book to read for Equestrian Literature Studies next week.” Cheerilee gazed over the young adults in her classroom, many of them were slacking off since it was the end of the school week, all except Scootaloo to her surprise. “Class dismissed!”
There was a thunderous fury of fillies and colts all leaving their chairs, picking up their school saddle bags and griping about the history project. Each of them left in groups of two or more except for Sweetie Belle. The unicorn filly gave her friend Scootaloo a quick hug, “If you want to talk, Scootaloo, all you have to do is let me know.”
Scootaloo nodded, she’d heard it all before and she knew Sweetie just wanted to help. “I know, Sweetie, thank you. I’m just not ready for it yet.” She gave her friend a smooch on the cheek. “I love you, Sweetie, I really do. Thanks for being there.” With a sigh, she watched her special friend leave and turned her attention to her teacher.
“Are you ready to see the Princess with me, dear?” Cheerilee asked, offering the young pegasus a helping hoof out of her seat. Together the two left the schoolhouse, traversing through the streets of ponyville. They passed Mr. and Mrs. Cakes’ sweet shop with its candy house look, “Scootaloo, would you like something sweet to eat or drink? We have some time before Twilight is expecting us.”
“Is this a trick, Miss Cheerilee? Everypony wants to talk about my ‘issue’ and I’m tired of everyone expecting me to have answers.” Scootaloo said in a near whisper, idly kicking at the cobblestone streets with a foreleg.
“No, of course it’s not a trick, Scootaloo. I just want to talk, I have experience with this sort of thing believe it or not. I took psychology as a minor in university, all I want to do is help you understand who you are. Now, come along, dear.” Cheerilee said, taking her student by the hoof, nearly dragging her into the sweet shop. They were greeted with the aroma of freshly baked goods and a pink mare behind the counter. The two ponies took their seat near the back corner of the shop, out of sight of most patrons. Once seated, they were joyfully greeted by none other than the Cakes’ shop’s bouncy server and resident. Pinkie Pie enthusiastically asked if they’d like to start off with something to drink.
“I’ll have a coffee, two sugars, no cream.” Cheerilee said.
“ And I’ll take mine with-”
“And a hot chocolate for Scootaloo, extra whipped cream and sprinkles.” Cheerilee ordered for her much to her chagrin.
“Coming right up!” Pinkie Pie said bouncing away with obvious glee.
“I’m not a little filly, I can order myself.” Scootaloo grumbled, her muzzle pink with obvious embarrassment.
“Are you sure you’re not a little filly?”
The question hung heavy in the air, Scootaloo looked away from the prying eyes of her teacher, deciding instead to look at her frothy beverage that had just been placed in front of her. Her mouth was watering from the aroma of the sweet hot chocolate. “I’m too big to be little.”
Cheerilee smiled as she took a sip of her coffee. “Everypony needs to be little sometimes, there’s no shame in letting yourself be carefree while somepony else keeps you safe.” She explained cryptically. “Just because you’re growing up doesn’t mean you can’t still indulge and have fun.” She paused, setting her cup back down. “Who knows, you might find that you enjoy it.”
“It’s not that I wouldn’t enjoy it. It’s that I don’t understand why I feel this way, why do I have these strange desires?” Scootaloo questioned, stopping to take a sip from her sweet drink. “I didn’t ask to feel this way and I didn’t want anypony to find out about it either. When I took those pictures of myself I didn’t think anypony would find them. I thought I had everything safely tucked away, but I got careless.” She sighed, staring into the cup. Looking up from the table her eyes settled on a mother with a foal, she tried not to stare but couldn’t help it. “I just want to be like them again, but I don’t understand why. Why do I have to feel this way?”
“I don’t have the answers to those questions, Scootaloo. I don’t think anypony has the answers except you.” Cheerilee said softly. “Not even the Princesses have all the answers, sometimes you have to search deep inside yourself to find them.” She reached across the table to hold the young mare’s hoof in her own. “I know it’s hard being different, but don’t forget you have friends and family to help you discover the answers to these questions. Now, finish your hot chocolate, Twilight will be expecting us soon.”
The pegasus mare nodded, lost in her own thoughts. “Thanks, for not treating me like a freak that needs a doctor. Everypony seems so eager to diagnose me with a problem and I hate it. I hate the way everypony looks at me, I know some just want to help, but I don’t need their help! I can figure it out on my own. I don’t need any help.” She looked down again, “Thank you for trying to understand.”
The Mulberry coated mare gave a small frown at first as she finished her coffee. “There’s no shame in asking for help.” She said, setting down some bits on the table as payment for their drinks before showing a smile. “And any time, I’m always here if you need somepony to talk to.”
***
Scootaloo and Cheerilee arrived at the towering crystalline structure that was the Castle Of Friendship. The towering spires were each adorned with a flag depicting Twilight Sparkle’s cutie mark along with The Elements Of Harmony. They stared at the massive doors in front of them, both ponies unsure of how to proceed.
“I haven’t seen Twilight since before all this happened. The Crusaders and I used to get private lessons from her all the time but lately we haven’t had time.” Scootaloo said taking a deep breath. “Now though, I’m not sure if I should even be here. What if her niece is visiting? What if her family is visiting?” She asked trying to think of every excuse to not knock on the imposing doors.
Cheerilee gave a reassuring smile. “Nopony else is here.” she explained. “You know I recall a rather introverted young mare with a strange obsession with books and studies moving into town several years ago, suddenly thrust into the position of a public figure, and growing a pair of wings. If anypony is going to understand feeling different, I think it might be her.”
The imposing doors swung open, a sparkling violet glow surrounding both. Before both of them stood the smiling figure of Twilight Sparkle. “Hi Scootaloo! Hello Cheerilee!” She pulled both ponies into a warm hug, wrapping both wings around them. “We have a lot to talk about today, don’t we?”
Scootaloo leaned into the hug, her worries melting away for just a moment. “I guess so.” She mumbled, following the older mares into the castle. The walls were dotted with framed pictures of each element of harmony and Twilight’s beloved niece. There were even pictures of the day Scootaloo and the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders got their cutie marks. “I didn’t know you took a picture when I got my cutie mark.”
“Of course I did! Rainbow Dash practically demanded that I did, speaking of Dash, she misses you, Scootaloo. You know she’s never too busy to see you. Even if she’s the Captain of the Wonderbolts now.” Twilight said stopping to admire the photo of Scootaloo and Dash, both ponies were grinning ear to ear in the photograph. “I remember how happy you were. Time sure does fly.”
They stopped a few more times, Twilight gushed over each picture of her now nine year old niece, practically bragging about each of her milestones in life. After the short trot they arrived in a cozy room. The walls were painted lilac, and several throw rugs lined the floor. Each of the ponies took a seat on an oversized armchair, several books were stacked up neatly on a table between the chairs, one title stuck out particularly: Life Begins Anew: Living as a Filly.
“What a strange book, I wonder what it’s about?” Scootaloo wondered silently while she got comfortable in the large chair. For a long time, nopony spoke, the silence was deafening to her and was beginning to make her feel incredibly uncomfortable. She tried to speak but found her mouth had gone dry from the anxiety of waiting. Clearing her throat, she tried again, “Miss Cheerliee said you wanted to speak with me about the…” She trailed off finding it difficult to talk about the incident that had led to the meeting. “About the incident.”
Twilight Sparkle nodded her head, the warm inviting smile never leaving her muzzle. “You’re among friends here Scootaloo, I’m not going to treat you differently for making a mistake. I’ve made plenty of them afterall.” Her horn glowed violet for a moment, a teapot materializing along with three teacups. She poured tea into each cup and set them down on the messy table. “Would you like to talk one-on-one about what happened?”
Scootaloo swallowed hard and nodded her head. “I’d like that a lot.”
Cheerilee took that as her queue to get up, she gave Scootaloo a warm smile. “If you need to talk about anything, Scootaloo, you know where to find me.” She turned to Twilight who got out of her own seat to give the mare a tight hug. “Make sure you ease her into this. She’s a ball of nerves right now.”
Once she had seen the other mare out of the room, Twilight returned to her seat across from Scootaloo. “I’d like to tell you how sorry I am. When I’d heard you had taken photos of yourself and had them stolen I feared the worst. They were so personal to you, to have something so close to your heart revealed to a world that doesn’t understand. I can only imagine how it made you feel.”
Scootaloo stayed silent for quite some time, she wanted to pour her heart out to Twilight, she really did, but this was all so personal. There would be other times she told herself, other times to tell her about all the things that had gone through her mind since the incident. “It hurt, Twilight. It hurt a lot. I just wanted to show this part of myself to someone I love and trust, someone I thought would understand.” She sighed, feeling dejected. “The hurt is deeper than any emotional trauma I’ve ever had, even worse than finding out I was an unwanted foal. That’s why I live with my aunts, you know, my own mother left me with them. I never knew her, other than a letter on my birthdays, I’ve never seen her in person.”
Twilight nodded, remaining silent while Scootaloo talked, she sipped her tea thoughtfully, waving a hoof at her to continue speaking.
“When I found out the photos were stolen, I was crushed. I was terrified, everypony knew my secret now. What could I do? What could I say?” She took a deep breath, her voice quivering with emotion. “Everypony knows now of course, I’m the freak who dresses up in diapers and plays like a foal. No one understands how hard it is. I didn’t ask for this!” She cried, tears running down her cheeks. “I never asked for these feelings or these thoughts I have.”
“Scootaloo.” Twilight said sternly, making the young mare look her in the eyes. “You’re the furthest thing from a freak. I know the struggle of being different, of wanting to be something you can’t be. There’s no shame in feeling the way you do, I know things are hard right now, I know how much you want to curl up in a ball and never leave your room again.” She drained her cup of tea, refilling it a moment later. “What matters right now is that you’re among friends. I’m not going to judge you, and I’m not going to lie to you.”
“That’s what everypony always tells me.” Scootaloo mumbled angrily, finally taking her own teacup in her hooves. She brought it to her lips and took a long sip, chamomile and daisy tea, her absolute favorite. “You remembered?”
Twilight nodded. “How could I ever forget? The first time you and the girls came here, you practically tore my kitchen apart trying to get your cutie marks in, ‘teamaking’ It was rather adorable I must admit.” She smiled warmly at the fond memory, a lot had changed since then. “Sometimes I miss tutoring you three, we called it our Twilight Time. Do you remember those days?”
“I don’t think I could ever forget those days, everything was so much simpler back then. I wasn’t failing school, ponies weren’t looking at me like I was going to steal their foals.” Scootaloo smiled wistfully at the memories. “I miss them too. We should have listened to you back then about our cutie marks but we were so focused on getting them, I think we ignored every piece of advice you ever gave us.”
“I want to help you, Scootaloo, more than you understand right now. These thoughts you’ve been having about wanting to be a foal again, they’re hard to understand, and even harder to deal with. Cheerilee told me you’re distracted all the time, you often don’t show up for class and when you do, it’s rarely on time. I’m not here to lecture you though, and I’m sorry if it feels that way right now.” Twilight explained, setting her cup down on the table, she got up from her seat and walked to where Scootaloo was seated. “What you need, more than anything in this world right now, is a mother’s love.”
The words struck right through Scootaloo’s heart. “A mother’s love? How could you say that?” She whispered, what she felt was more than anger, it was more than sadness, it was a rising crescendo of emotions she couldn’t formulate into thoughts. She wanted to lash out violently but Twilight was right, she needed a mother’s love more than anything. “I don’t have a mother to give me that kind of love.” She managed to say wiping the stinging tears from her eyes.
“It’s hard to grow up without somepony to call ‘mom’, I can’t know that pain and I never will.” She hesitated lifting the young mare into a tight embrace, “I want you to be the filly you’ve always wanted to be, I care about you Scootaloo, maybe more than you understand.”
Scootaloo closed her eyes reveling in the warmth of the older mare’s wings, there was something about Twilight that just made her feel so welcomed, so small and loved. “Is this what it feels like to have a mother’s love?”
