Iron Penn's Q&A

by BradyBunch

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Equestria Girls, Rainbow Dash (EqG), Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Slice of Life, Rarity (EqG)
Length: 2184

At a convention, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight have some questions for one of their favorite authors.

Iron Penn is one of the best authors in the world, and some of the girls have a few questions for him. At the end of it, the girls learn more about him than they would ever care to know.

Published 2019-05-17 20:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-05-17 20:20:01 UTC

Iron Penn's Q&A

Canterlot's convention center was filled with eager young men and women. Crowds moved back and forth in ebbs and flows when certain exhibits were open. Giant posters hung from the ceiling that reached halfway down to the floor. The noises were loud and all over the place.

In the midst of it all, Twilight Sparkle and her six friends were searching over the heads of the crowds for what they had come for. The collection of friends were all dressed in their own unique outfits that looked so different from each other it would be hard to tell at first glance that as far as friends go, they were the strongest of all.

"Ah-ha!" Twilight finally said, pointing at a pair of blue doors on the left leading to an interviewing room. "That's where Iron Penn is holding his Q&A and book signing!"

"Iron Penn?" Sunset Shimmer asked, cosplaying as a large lava monster. Shreds of orange and fiery red were hanging off her black jumpsuit and from her hair. "Is he the guy who created the Race of Jewels and Blood?"

"Uh, yeah," Rainbow said, staring at Sunset like she was an idiot. Rainbow was dressed as Zapp from the Power Ponies in a black skintight jumpsuit with lightning bolts over it. "He wrote the second-best book series of all time! Next to Daring Do, of course."

"I've been planning on reading that for some time," Sunset confessed. "Is it good?"

"If you like carouseling around on an epic adventure," Rarity replied with a snort. She had on a long dress that looked like a wide crystal carousel around her waist.

"...How would you know that if you haven't read it?" Applejack asked her with a dry tone. Applejack was fully clad as a cowgirl from the Old West, complete with vest, whip, and revolver.

Rarity gave an embarrassed cough. "Well, the fact is, I, ah...have read it. But not for the adventure! For the swooning romance contained therein that accompanies such grand tales." Her face scrunched up. "But the romance was terrible!"

"How bad?" Sunset wondered.

Rarity opened her purse, drew out a copy of The Emerald Alicorn, and flipped to the lage she wanted to show. "Listen to this. 'As the two drew away from their loving embrace, a feeling of bliss overcame them both. Never mind the sickness in Ce'lana's veins, she felt like the world had been lifted from her shoulders.' Dollar-store romance novels could do it better than this!"

"So you have read dollar-store romance novels," Pinkie Pie confirmed with a smirk. She looked like a swirl of papier-mache cotton candy. "I knew it."

Rarity's face fell, and she gave an indignant harrumph and stuffed the book back into her purse.

"The Q&A starts in ten minutes," Twilight said, looking at the silver watch on her purple arm. "Do you want to come with us, or-?"

"Nah, it's fine. We'll split up and explore the con ourselves."

"If only fer Fluttershy's sake," Applejack remarked, patting a trembling Fluttershy on the arm. "It isn't all that bad, is it?"

"Oh-my-goodness!" Fluttershy squeaked out. Dressed in a white bunny costume that covered her whole body, she was rooted to the spot whilst shooting anxious glances in every direction. "It's so loud! And so big! I feel like I'm not going to make it!" She began to rapidly inhale and exhale, and didn't stop until Pinkie Pie put a brown paper bag over her mouth for her to blow into.

Sunset gave Fluttershy a nervous look before returning to Twilight. "So...See you back at the hotel?"

"Yeah. Gotta go. Bye!"

"See you!"

"Yes? The red gentleman in the back."

"Hi. Rip Roarin' here. From Crystal Prep. Um, I just wanted to ask you about the fight scene in chapter eight of The Ruby Unicorn. Is that whole sequence meant to parallel the emotions going on in Falconscar's head?"

Iron Penn leaned back in his comfortable chair in the convention assembly room with an easy smile on his lips. "Any fight scene is easy to make, Roarin'. But what makes it great is not the punches or the kicks, or the spear thrusts or the clashes of swords. The fight itself should be a visual representation of the struggles going on in the character's head. Falconscar indeed is going through a lot in that chapter. His love interest has been captured and he feels conflicted on what to do. And it was shown out loud when the Genowa Shadow Cult brought his shadow to life and began attacking him in the Tower of Athelia."

"Oh, cool," the man said in an awed tone. Passing the microphone down, he sat down again and made a high-pitched squeal of excitement.

"The lady in the blue? Over there?"

The microphone was given to Rarity, and all three girls stood up as one, jostling the people beside them, who gave them annoyed glances.

"Hi!" Twilight sheepishly said, waving her fingers while adjusting her square glasses. "We're from Canterlot High. I'm Twilight, and this is Rarity and Rainbow Dash. I just gotta say, I'm a big fan-"

"The distress! The horror!" Rarity interrupted, shuffling to the correct page in The Emerald Alicorn. "Listen to this, if you please, and tell me how it got past the editing process. 'He gazed lovingly into her eyes as flames danced behind her. 'I love you,' she declared in a throb of passion. 'I know,' he replied, and that was all there was to it. He scooped her up and gave the grandest, most passionate kiss in the history of the world.' Oh, gracious me! There is hammy, and then there is hammy! Did you ever learn how to write romance before attempting to put it into your novels?"

Twilight was cringing from her friend's outburst, and Rainbow was desperately trying to tell her to cut off with a slice across her throat. The crowd was looking at Rarity with some distaste.

To the girl's astonishment, Iron Penn began to chuckle, although his grey ears were burning red from having his work read out loud.

"I'm glad you brought that up...Rarity, was it? That's actually an issue my editors and critics have with my work. Plenty of people have pointed that out to me.

"The reason why I'm bad at writing romance is because...I've...never...been in love with someone else before."

The three girls looked extremely uncomfortable all of a sudden.

"I-I mean, don't get me wrong. I've been in love before. But it's never been really...reciprocated, you know?"

Iron Penn gave a hopeful smile then. "I-I do have plenty of times I've been rejected by other girls who said they only liked me as a friend. Or getting dumped. I've been dumped plenty of times in my life. I'm sorry for not writing as well as I should have. I'll try better next time, I promise."

Rarity's expression was one of stupefaction. "D-darling, are you...okay?"

"I mean, I've come to terms with it now," he easily replied. "There was once a time when I got so lonely I drew a girl in sharpie on a pillowcase and snuggled with it every night for five years. But now, I've just accepted the fact that I won't get a real one...But you wouldn't know about that, would you? You've probably got a special someone you can relate to, right?"

Rarity, tight-lipped and short of breath, shook her head.

"Oh, I'm so sorry about that. Don't worry! I'm sure you'll find someone great soon enough!"

Rarity's expression of heartbreak was mixed with one of incredulity. "Me?" she whispered, away from the microphone. "What about you?!"

"Now, I get it. I understand why I can't write love very well. 'Write what you know.' But...I started writing fiction and especially romance as a way to put down some fantasy in my head that I always wanted...but never really got. Back when I was a teen I wrote for fun, not fame. One time I hand-wrote a three-and-a-half-hundred-page-long piece of romance fiction on stapled sheets of lined paper. My family didn't really encourage it, though."

Rainbow Dash snatched the microphone from Rarity's shaking fingers. "Yeah, um, tell me, what did your family encourage you to do?"

His demeanor got nostalgic. "We used to do a lot of things as a family that didn't leave a lot of room to write. We'd play the Quiet game, the Sit Still in Church game, the Wash The Dishes game, the Ask For The Cheapest Hearth's Warming Gift game…" He drummed his fingers on the table in front of him. "One time I won because I asked for a rock I could scratch in my spare time."

Rainbow's expression was one of both disbelief and sympathy. "What...did you win?"

"The game," he replied. He shrugged. "Plus the rock. I didn't like it that much, but when your parents were poor, what else could they do?"

Rainbow Dash's eyes grew impossibly large while also somehow getting smaller at the same time. Her mouth was drooping open in horror, much like how the arm holding the microphone was drooping at her side, causing a small screech of feedback.

Twilight took the microphone next. "Look, um, I'm sure in the future you'll get better at writing and...experiencing love. It sounds like you're really, really talented in every other aspect of your writing, though. How did you get to be that way?"

"Trial and error," replied the man, almost negligently. "But I also wrote according to my major strengths in my personal life. I wrote about the character's pain because I know what pain feels like, and I wove a lot of humor into the story because I know what it's like to feel absolutely awful, and I don't want anyone else to feel that way."

Twilight's mouth was ajar and making little emotion-choked squeaks.

"Lately I've taken to having long, hot showers to simulate emotional and social warmth. I actually prefer it that way. It only requires yourself and some water. After all, water won't cheat on you or call you names." He held up a finger as if reminding his students of a past math formula. "Except for the water dryad Falconscar ran into that tried to seduce him and then drown him."

The entire chamber of students, adults, and children was open-mouthed in pity and horror.

"Thank you for bringing that up, though. I appreciate it. Let me tell you something. I don't know if anyone loves me, but I do know that someone out there loves you. Because you deserve it! All of you here do. You're amazing people, you love my stories, and I appreciate all of you for it. As a starving artist, not just lacking of money but also of appreciation, I have to give up other's love in order to do what I love. It was difficult at first, but that's just how things are for me." He gave a soft smile. "Really, it's not so bad once you get used to it."

The entire spacious room was silent and uncomfortable.

"Next question, please. The girl with the mohawk."

Twilight numbly passed the microphone to a girl three rows over who had thick green spikes on top of her head and sat down with the equally shaken Rainbow and Rarity. Their minds were temporarily short-circuited.

"Um, sir? A-are you all right?" asked the punk girl.

"Yes, I am." He smiled warmly. "Why do you ask?"

The hotel room turned bright yellow as Sunset and the other girls walked in. Pinkie Pie plopped a big bag of goods on the table. Applejack hung her hat on the rack near the door, crossed the room, and sank into an armchair. Fluttershy timidly went past everyone else into her room and closed the door to change out of her bunny costume.

"Guys?" Sunset called, setting down her own merchandise and walking into the back room. "Guys, are you here?" As she came into the back room she noticed that from behind the bathroom's white door the sound of a shower was running, and three separate voices were crying. Cracking open the door, Sunset took a peek.

Rainbow Dash, still in her Zapp outfit, was rocking back and forth on her butt under a hot stream of water in the bathtub. Rarity and Twilight were sitting on the toilet, hugging each other with all the might they could muster. Rarity's black makeup was running, and Twilight was gently sobbing into Rarity's shoulder.

"Um, guys?" Sunset asked, somewhat in shock. "Did something happen?"

"WHY IS THE WORLD SO DARK AND CRUUUEEEEL?!" Rarity bawled. "AAHAHAHAUUGGHHH!"

Rainbow let out a forlorn cry in reply that could easily be heard over the shower noises, and Twilight hugged Rarity harder and made a loud moan of mental anguish.

Sunset Shimmer closed the door. With a conflicted expression, she hissed in embarrassment and slowly walked away.

Author's Note

This only took, like, a day to write and edit. And I'm proud of it. I hope you're happy with it.