The Facts Of Life

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flurry Heart, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 3772

All throughout Equestria, as a child grows up, each parent dreads the day their little precious asks them that immortal question: "Where Do Babies Come From?" Now, it's Flurry Heart's turn...

All throughout Equestria, as a child grows up, each parent dreads the day their little precious asks them that immortal question: "Where Do Babies Come From?" Now, it's Flurry Heart's turn...

Featured from 20/5/19 to 21/5/19

Published 2019-05-20 00:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-05-20 00:00:01 UTC

A Flurry Of Questions

"Who's my precious lickle girl? Who's a lil cutey-patooty? My darling daughter, alicorn of my eye, the best pony ever..."

"D-Daddy! How many times do I have to tell you?! I'm six years old now! That kind of stupid baby-talk should've stopped the day I ditched my diapers! And technically, Celestia is the 'best pony' during the day, and Luna at night..."

"I don't care what anypony says! They can lock me up in chains for treason, but I'll never stop shouting from the rooftops that you're my number one girl forever!" Shining Armour continued simpering to his daughter, regardless of the giant cringe that now covered most of her face. "...And you'll always be my baby too, even when I'm leading you up the aisle to marry the stallion of your dreams! Or mare, as the case may be."

"Ugh!" Princess Flurry Heart did not seem best pleased at the prospect of her soppy father making a public spectacle of himself and already marrying her off in the same breath. "When you're in this kind of mood, I don't even know why I come to you for advice! Maybe I should ask Mommy instead..."

"N-No, don't go, dear!" Shining frantically tried to stop his daughter from flying away from her bed. After all, she started Twilight's new offshoot of her Friendship School for younger students next week, so he'd probably be seeing less and less of her soon enough. Basically, any precious daddy/daughter time had to be taken full advantage of. "What is it you wanted to ask me? Would you like some help cutting up your veggies at dinner? Perhaps a nice piggyback ride around the castle grounds? Maybe, if you're a very lucky girl, I might be able to sneak you a cookie from the kitchen! But sshhh don't tell your mother! That's the deal!"

It was most unbecoming for a Princess to facehoof, but Flurry was sorely tempted to do that just then. "I just told you Daddy, stop treating me like a foal! That's not what wanted to ask you about! Although... the cookie sounds kinda nice... but that's beside the point!! Now, can you stop being so silly, and actually listen to me for once?"

"Anything for my angel!" Shining Armour's endless terms of endearment for Flurry continued on unabated, but he finally seemed to understand how much this particular query meant to his child. "Go on then, I'm all ears! And partly eyes, nose, mouth, teeth..."

"Okay, then. Here goes nothing." Ignoring her father's cunningly disguised facial education propaganda, Flurry took a deep breath before releasing what'd been on her mind for some time now. "Daddy, where do babies come from?"

Upon hearing this most innocent of requests, Shining's sunny expression suddenly morphed into the grimace of a stallion condemned, and his once invincible posture began collapsing like Film and Flam's knock-off china. "B-Babies... c-come f-from... what?!"

"It's okay to admit that you don't know either." Flurry replied without looking, mistaking her father's growing alarm for complete ignorance of the question. "Here, look at this map I drew last night. I think I narrowed down the answer to the middle of The Badlands, or in the temple at the Forbidden Jungle. Should we start planning the exped-hibition now? I'll need food, water, shovels, bug spray, weapons..."

Obviously, Flurry meant 'expedition' there, but it was a welcome reminder for Shining that however adorably precocious his daughter was at that age (almost like a mini-Twilight) she was still prone to making the odd vocabulary mistake.

"H-Hmm..." The anxious stallion was on the verge of madly galloping around his daughter's bedroom shouting 'why me' on repeat, but he somehow held it together for the sake of his sanity. "Y-You know what, Flurry? I don't think 'babies' are to be found in either of those extremely dangerous locations, so there's no point in wandering off there alone. Do I have your solemn word you won't try anything stupid like that?"

"Well, okay then." Flurry muttered petulantly, whilst subtly nudging a signed copy of 'Daring-Do's Guide For Amateur Adventurers' under her pillow. "But I was going to invite you along Daddy, for your infor-sinuation."

"I-Is that so?" Despite the tense clamminess of the atmosphere (or maybe it was Shining's collar ever-tightening collar beginning to suffocate him), his heart rose a little upon hearing the notion she'd love him as a travelling companion. "Well, much as I'd like to roast in a dangerous desert or get eaten by rabid chimps in the creepy jungle, it's a pass from me. But seriously sweetheart, thank you much for believing in me enough to..."

"Because when I need somepony to carry all my stuff, I don't trust anypony more than my own wonderful father." Flurry stated that last part with complete sincerity, and combined it with a glimpse of her intensely cute toothy grin.

The young alicorn may have the odd quarrel or disagreement with her father and mother, but when it come to love there was barely any child in the wide world who adored their parents more than Flurry Heart. One of the byproducts of being related to the 'Princess Of Love' herself Cadence, perhaps.

Regardless of her somewhat selfish reasons for wanting him to tag along, Shining was able to conjure up a sweltering of pride at his child's effusive praise. "T-That was a very lovely thing to say to me darling, but I'm afraid the answer's still 'no'... for both of us. I'm not even sure this map is entirely accurate, anyway. Shouldn't Manehattan be more to the right? Also, since when was the 'Frozen North' located in the far south?!"

"That's because you've got it upside down, dummy!" Flurry chuckled at her father's glaring error, but in all honesty a combination of her uneven scaling and her initial question reducing a tough stallion to an equine zombie greatly contributed towards his mistake.

"Oh, so I have! Silly me! Still, that fact changes nothing. You're not going anywhere on a fruitless quest into perilous unexplored territory to search for babies, when I know for a fact they're nowhere near there or there!" Shining stabbed his hoof at both locales circled in crayon on the paper. "Besides, I have insider knowledge of where babies really come from, and you can trust the source with one-hundred-and-ten percent accuracy."

"A-Are you positive, Daddy? Is that even a real number? Wow, it looks like I might not need to go away on a life-changing journey after all! Woo-hoo!"

If anypony else had told her this, Flurry would've been somewhat skeptical at the apparently easy solution, but she'd never known her father to lie about anything. Why would he start now? It didn't make any sense.

"Great! That means you can tear up that map, stop packing to go on safari and listen to a bedtime story instead!" It was an extremely relieved Shining who now felt relaxed enough to dab his brow clean. "Which one do you want tonight? The Three Blind Breezies, or Applejack And The Beanstalk?"

"Oh, Daddy. Don't start that again... I already told you twice, I'm too old for those kind of things!" Flurry rolled her eyes with an elongated sigh, before returning to the conversation at hoof. "If you must tell me a story, how about the one where you tell me where the babies are? And what is your source? I'm waiting..."

"W-Well u-um, okay then. I-If you think you're ready, h-here g-goes..." If Shining thought the worst was over, he was very sorely mistaken. He'd faced Changeling swarms aplenty, the wrath of King Sombre and even a few exhausting all-night cramming sessions with his sister, but none of those arduous experiences came close to being as truly terrifying as the mission that lay ahead.

He never had a drinking problem before, but the way things were looking now... he was certainly open to developing one.

"W-Well, firstly there are two people who love each other very much..." The wilting stallion started smoothly enough, but that was before he'd gotten onto the more 'physical' aspect of things. "Then, um they... you know... do stuff... and around ten months later, a little surprise drops out, and everypony can rejoice! O-Of course some births are different, like yours, but we'll come to that another time. That's it! Hope you enjoyed hearing all about the beautiful and natural process of creating new life!"

"B-But, that didn't really explain anything, Daddy!" Flurry protested, a little disappointed at her father's complete lack of transparency. "Could you tell me again please, and this time go into a bit more detail..."

"Oh Celestia! Is that the time?! Must-dash-I-have-an-inspection-of-the-guards-in-a-few-minutes! Don't-forget-to-wash-your-hooves-before-dinner! Goodbye-for-now-my-cherub..." slam

And with those last few muffled parting words, Shining ran away from the scene of the crime so fast as you could almost see the trail of flames behind him. In fact, if they'd been a conveniently open window, he probably would've jumped straight through that, too...

...From the fifth floor.

"I don't know what's the matter with Daddy. First, he can't get enough of me, now it's like he can't stand to be in the same room as me!" Flurry lamented her dad's immaturity in so many words.

"Oh well, maybe it's time I put Plan B in effect. Or Plan M, to be precise. It's time... to ask Mommy."

..........................

Princess Cadence was to be located in her usual spot, occupying her purpose-built chair in the throne room of the Crystal Castle. The glittering locals and not-so-shimmery tourists were all lined up to see her, as the kind mare imparted sage advice or just said 'hello' to her many well-wishers.

There was never a break or an end to the long queue, which was testament itself to the strong emotional attachment which'd been formed between the ponies and the royal couple, or maybe they were just ecstatic the inglorious reign of the tyrant King Sombre had finally come to a welcome end (twice over now, in fact).

It was into this atmosphere of meeting and greeting which Flurry flew into, and without further hesitation or concerns about pushing in, she made an aerial beeline straight for her mother.

"Flurry Heart! What are you doing here?!" Cadance asked in confusion, as she was about to ruffle the mane of some eager colt who'd literally been waiting hours to see her. "I've told you before, you're still too young to conduct official business with me yet! Wait a few more years, and then we'll see!"

"Sorry Mommy for barging in like this, but I really need your help with something!!" Flurry pleaded with Cadence, giving her the old baby pout treatment for which there was no known defence. "...And I kinda thought, what with me being your daughter and all, you'd give me a bit of privvy-ledge by letting me go first. I'm sure my problem is much more serious than the others here, anyway..."

"Princess Flurry Heart!! What have I told you about this before? Every pony here is just as important as the next one, and that includes you, me and your father! Just because we're lucky enough to be royals, it does not give us the right to think of ourselves as any more or less than any of them!" Cadence scolded her daughter with a frown, before releasing an infuriated sigh. "...But, seeing as you are my daughter, and something is obviously distressing you, I suppose I have no choice but to try and help you in anyway I can. Besides, until you leave I can't carry out my usual duties, because of the huge distraction you're providing right now."

A casual glance around the chamber by Flurry soon established her mother's concern, as everypony present began falling over themselves and shoving each other to get a mere glimpse of the youngest princess. If they were happy with just meeting Cadance, they were absolutely cock-a-hoop at the prospect of seeing Flurry Heart too, to the extent of almost causing a near-riot.

"O-Oops, sorry..." Flurry blushed slightly at the unmitigated chaos developing all around her. One of these days, she'd learn to think before she acted. "I'll try to be quick, then. All I want to know is..."

"Yes, darling?" Cadence encouraged her daughter with a tense grin, before the anarchic situation around them really got out of hoof.

"...Where do babies come from?"

"The 'Neighbys'? Why, of course I know that, sweetie! Mr and Mrs Neighby live in the rustic cottage next to the old fountain, just west of the Spike statue! A lovely family, in fact they're in here a lot offering to donate some of their excess canned goods to the poor! But why on Equestria would you want to know that?" Cadance had been so preoccupied with whether she should call for extra guards to quell the growing unrest, she'd misheard her daughter speak.

"W-What... no, not the Neighby's, Mommy!! Babies!!!" Flurry was so exasperated by this point, she'd literally screamed out the last word so it was definitely heard by all and sundry there...

...And, once the room had stopped shaking, the results were instantaneous.

Cadance's eyes went from gazing at the unruly throng to staring at her daughter with eyes as wide as saucers. "U-Um, it's almost time for dinner, everypony. Come back later! And Flurry, don't forget to wash your hooves before you enter the dining room, please!" before hanging a sign on her throne saying 'CLOSED' and making good her escape.

Thoroughly disheartened by the shrill reaction of her mother to what she'd thought was a pretty simple question, Flurry turned to face the many other ponies in the room, as if any of them would know the answer.

But they'd already scoped out the lay of the land after hearing what the curious filly had said, and if anything made an even speedier exit than Cadance herself.

Well, I guess that only leaves the guards then...

Nope, they'd scarpered too. Quicker than if they'd just heard they'd been granted unconditional paid leave for a month.

If anything, they at least deserved some credit for departing in perfect formation as soon as Flurry had finished her request, in contrast to the haphazard way everypony else had just retreated.

In fact, if this were an event at the Equestrian Games, they all might'll been in the running for gold medals.

It wasn't though, and Flurry Heart only felt confused and rejection (again)

Darn it...

.........................................

"Hello... Auntie Twilight, can you hear me?"

"Oh, hi Flurry Heart! What a nice surprise to be hearing from you! How are you doing? I see you're making good use of that spell I taught you a year ago that lets you communicate with others via long distance."

"Yes, but Uncle Sunburst helped me perfect it! I hope I'm not disturbing you now, by calling you like this."

"No, not at all! Spikes just helping me to restock the books in the school library, and we're both looking forward to welcoming you here as a pupil very soon! Starlight is too of course, don't forget that she's the one you go to if you have any problems at all..."

"Yes, in fact that's what I'm calling you about right now. I've always thought you were the smartest pony around, so if you can't help me with this question. I don't know where else to turn."

"Say no more, Flurry! I don't like to brag, but if there's anypony out there who can help you with your headscratcher, then it's yours truly! After all, I don't read this much to be the life and soul of the party, do I?"

"...Okay. Anyway Auntie, are you sure you're ready to hear this? It's just that when I ask everypony else, it makes them act out in really silly ways."

"I like to think at this stage in my life, I'm above such foalish shenanigans. I can swear on the million books I've devoured with absolute certainty that I shall treat your query with the due diligence it deserves, before delivering a thorough answer which is both clear and concise in relevancy and breadth. Now, are you ready to have your socks blown off by the power of knowledge?"

"I'm not wearing any, but alright. Now, brace yourself... what I want to know..."

"Yes?"

"What I really want to know..."

"Yes? Yes?!"

"Is, um..."

"Well come on Flurry, spit it out! It's not like I'm going to bite your head off! I'm not even there!"

"...Where do babies come from?"

"..."

"Hello Auntie, can you hear me?"

"..."

"Are you still there? I'll take my 'clear and concise' answer now, if you don't mind."

"..."

"A-Auntie?"

"PSSSSS CRACKLE Auntie Twilight is not available right now. Please leave your message after the 'beep', and she'll get in touch with you at the most convenient time for her... BEEP"

"Auntie, stop playing around. I know for a fact this spell doesn't have an answering service..."

"PSSSS Bad connection CRACKLE Try again later PSSS thank you for using our network, and a wonderful evening to you... CLICK"

"What the... oh no, not again!"

...............

Flurry Heart lay on her bed that evening, wings fully sprawled out, feeling very distressed and depressed.

Dinner time had been an awkward affair indeed, with her parents seemingly doing all they could to avoid looking her directly in the eye, and the meal eaten in the kind of silence usually reserved for a state funeral.

It's like they're keeping some kind of big secret from me, and every time I get too close to the answer, they push me away further. Flurry reflected with a sad sigh, whilst turning over onto her side. Perhaps, if my question upsets everypony that much, I should stop asking it. Anything to make things the way they used to be again, before all this started...

It was at that pertinent moment the door to Flurry Heart's room swing open, and in trotted Cadence and Shining Armour themselves. But whilst at dinnertime they'd been shady and evasive, now they appeared positively shame-faced. They lightly plopped themselves next to their daughter on either side, each taking one of her forehooves to give it a gentle squeeze.

Flurry took this chance to have the first word. "M-Mommy, D-Daddy, I would just like to say that I'm sorry for any stress I might've caused you today by asking you a question that upset you very much. Especially you Mummy, for showing you up in front of all of your special visitors like that. I don't know what the Crystal Empire thinks of me now, but I don't think I'll ever be ready to help you with your duties after the way I behaved..."

Flurry could say no more however, as her mother engulfed the surprised filly in a crushing hug that actually felt kind of nice. "Darling, darling... no part of today was your fault, at all. If anything, you were the most mature person in our fair city, and it took a call from Auntie Twilight earlier to remind us of that. She's real sorry too, by the way, for hanging up on you the way she did.. you just sort of caught her off-guard. She'll call you herself tomorrow, to apologise and explain more."

"The reaction from us and other ponies today to your question is a bit of a damning indictment of how repressed we all are, with totally normal subjects like that..." Shining Armour shook his head at his less than stellar conduct earlier, before returning to gaze lovingly at his daughter. "...But no more. Other ponies might choose to flee and panic and make excuses when confronted with this 'uncomfortable' topic, but we'll be different. From now on, they'll be no lies, no obfuscation, just the pure unblemished truth. And that's a solemn vow by the Captain Of The Guard, so you know it's on the level."

Upon hearing her parents complete reversal on their original position, Flurry slowly picked herself up and rubbed her eyes in astonishment. "Does that mean..."

"Yep, ask us anything you want." Cadence confirmed their new way of thinking with a conspiratorial wink.

"We are at your complete disposal." Shining Armour leaned over slightly to give his daughter a loving noogie.

"Hurray!" Flurry Heart cried with joy, snuggling both of her adoring parents and preparing to deliver a barrage of questions like no other.

.......................

"What? You mean stallions... do that? And mares... do that?!"

"Yes, that's right Flurry!"

"We know it's a lot to take in, but this is what actually happens."

"Don't worry Flurry, it's not something you have to worry about 'til you're much older."

"And even then, if and how you do it is entirely up to you. I reserve the right as your father though, to thoroughly interrogate any dates you bring home, to see if they're worthy of my little... what are you laughing at, Flurry?"

"Yes dear, what's so hysterical it's making you roll around on the floor?"

"Really, Mommy and Daddy! Did you really think you could fool me with more made-up stuff? I know what those parts of the body are for, and it's not that! You had all evening, and you couldn't even come up with a better story?"

"Flurry, we're telling the truth!"

"We're not joking with you at all!"

"It's okay though, because I don't care any longer. I am just glad that we're all happy and talking together again, that's all that matters. 'Sides, I didn't really need to know the answer anyway."

"W-what do you mean, Flurry?"

"Yes, why have you changed your mind so suddenly?"

"Well, the first lesson at school this term is called 'Sex Education' where they tell us all about this subject. I think Miss Pinkie is teaching it... so it should be tons of fun! I just wanted to get a bit of a preview, so I could impress my new friends when I arrive."

"You mean, we went through all this for nothin..." swoon

"Why didn't you tell us this earlier, Flurr..." faint

"Huh? Daddy? Mommy? Did you want to spend the rest of the night on my bedroom floor? If you wanted to share my first sleeping-over with me, why didn't you say? I'd have brought snacks! Anyway, goodnight..." zzzzz

Author's Note

I don't know why I wrote this... I just felt the urge to write a cute story about Flurry Heart. I think it turned out pretty well, but let me know what you think. Bye for now! :twistnerd: