...sometimes needs a friend
She slowly made her way back home to Sugarcube Corner, head down, eyes fixed on the ground ahead. The party had been a success, just like all her other ones, and she should be feeling happy. She got to make other ponies smile. That was important, wasn't it? To see the joy on their faces, to hear the laughter bubbling out of all of them.
But why wasn't she happy?
It began to softly rain as she continued on her way. The air was filled with the scents of the early Spring, and the streetlamps cast a golden glow in puddles around her. All was quiet, only the sound of her hooves clip-clopping along, so loud in the stillness.
Pinkie hated the quiet.
In the midst of a party, the air was filled with the sounds of music and laughter. When she was with her friends, she could concentrate on their voices. Even dear Fluttershy's voice overrode the other. That whisper that told her she was worthless, that she was better off dead. Even that was bearable compared to other things the voice said.
While at the party, she'd been cutting the cake for her friends, when she'd paused and looked at the knife.
That pony in front of you. Her neck is so soft. Her blood is so red. Don't you want to see it? Don't you want to see it spill all over the floor? Do it! It will be easy. One quick thrust.
Do it.
Pinkie's hoof had trembled and she licked her lips as she stared at the other mare's throat. She could see a vein pulsing under her skin. For a moment, the compulsion was almost unbearable. She wavered. It would be so easy...
"Pinkie? Are you alright?"
Pinkie startled and looked up. "Huh? Oh! Yes, I'm fine! Here you go," she said as she placed the cake slice on a plate and gave it to her guest. She then did her best to concentrate on the party, and ignore the voice. But it wouldn't leave her alone.
Your friends don't care about you. Not really. They'd be better off without you. So why don't you put them out of their misery? How can they be happy, with somepony like you in their lives?
Town Hall is only a block away. Why don't you climb to the top, and throw yourself off? Make it look like an accident. Then, all your friends will be happy! Don't you want them to be happy?
Her hooves actually began turning towards the door, when Applejack grabbed her and said, "Your turn, Pinkie! Time to play 'pin the tail on the pony'! Let's go!" Pinkie had smiled and played the game. When she won, all her friends and partygoers cheered for her. It was almost enough to drown out the voice.
Almost.
Soon, she made it to her home and quietly let herself in. The party had gone on long into the night, so all inside were asleep. She stopped a moment to listen. Just barely, she could make out the sound of Mr. Cake snoring, and it never failed to put a smile on her face. It always made her remember how her own Dad used to snore loudly, and how she and her sisters would sometimes giggle under their covers whenever they heard him.
Those happy thoughts lasted for all too brief a time, as she made her way into the kitchen and got out a sharp knife. Sighing to herself, she went up the stairs and paused at the twins' door. Quietly, she opened the door and peered inside. She could just make out their shapes lying in their cribs in the dimly lit room, a nightlight the only illumination. She sat and stared at them for a few minutes, slowly moving the knife from one hoof to the other. Finally, satisfied they would remain asleep, she got to her hooves and backed out the room, closing the door behind her.
Creeping carefully so as not to wake her employers, she reached her own room. Closing the door, she went and sat on the edge of her bed, and looked down at the knife. There was only one surefire way to get the voice to leave her alone.
She grit her teeth and got to work.
The next day, Pinkie was on her way to having tea with Twilight, when Twilight met her at the door.
"Goodness, Pinkie! What happened to your leg?!"
Pinkie placed one hoof over the clumsy bandage and said, "This? Oh...it...it's nothing. How about that tea?"
Twilight set her stance and said, "Did somepony hurt you? You can tell me, Pinkie, I promise they won't do it again!"
Pinkie couldn't meet her eyes as she said, "Nopony hurt me, Twilight, it was just an accident. Nothing to worry about."
Twilight stared at her, then said, " Let me see."
Pinkie sat and tried to appear nonchalant. "Really, don't worry about it, Twilight."
With a frown, Twilight used her magic to carefully remove the bandage, then gasped at what she saw. "Pinkie. How did this happen?"
Pinkie's expression darkened as she looked to one side and said in a low voice, "It was an accident."
"An 'accident?' Pinkie, those are parallel cuts, that was no accident." Twilight moved closer to her friend and placed a hoof upon her shoulder. "Pinkie, what's wrong?"
Pinkie pushed her away. "I told you, it's nothing! Now, leave me alone!" Before Twilight could stop her, she'd gotten to her hooves and ran off down the path.
Twilight watched her go, her mouth open in shock. After a moment she shook herself and went to gather the others.
Twilight stood from her place at the table and said, "What I have to tell you all is disturbing. I was having tea with Pinkie this afternoon when I noticed cuts on her leg. When I asked her about them, she got angry and left. Something's very wrong with her."
"What are you saying, Twilight?" asked Rarity.
"I'm saying the cuts looked deep and deliberate. She told me it was an accident, but I didn't believe her."
"You think she hurt herself, Twilight? That don't sound like Pinkie at all," said Applejack.
Rainbow Dash spoke up and said, "We've all seen her do some pretty weird things, but I've never seen her do something like that."
"I have," said a quiet voice. They all turned to her.
"Fluttershy? Why didn't you tell us?" said Twilight.
Fluttershy stared at the floor and said, "Because she made me promise not to say anything. It was over a year ago, so I thought she'd stopped."
"How could she have done that a year ago and none of the rest of us noticed?" asked Rarity.
Fluttershy's voice was even quieter when she replied, "Because she did it the winter before last, and was always wearing that sweater. I only found out when I saw her changing out of it one day, and asked her about it." Tears formed in her eyes as she added, "I'm sorry, everypony. I thought she'd just done it that one time. I didn't know she was still doing it, or I would have said something."
"Don't blame yourself, sugarcube. We all should have noticed," said Applejack.
Twilight took a deep breath and said, "Well! Now that we know, what are we going to do about it?"
Spike stood. "I think we all need to talk to her together, show her how much we really care about her."
"But will she listen?" asked Rainbow. "If she's been keeping this a secret for so long, she may not be ready to talk about it. You all heard how she treated Twilight."
"Gathering together and talking to her seems to be the best way, for now," said Twilight. "After that, she may need professional attention."
"But...but what if she doesn't want our help? What do we do then?" asked Fluttershy.
"We won't know until we try." Twilight led the way out the door as she said, "Come on, everypony. Let's go find her."
Sugarcube Corner was the first place they looked. "I'm sorry, Princess," said Mrs. Cake. "I haven't seen Pinkie in awhile. Is something wrong?"
"We...we just need to talk to her," said Twilight. "Do you know where she could have gone?"
Mrs. Cake looked worried as she replied, "Try the bridge leading into town. I know she likes to hang out there and watch the water." Then she added, "If there's something wrong with Pinkie, or if she's in some kind of trouble, you'll help her, won't you?"
Twilight dredged up a smile. "Don't worry, Mrs. Cake. We'll do all we can for her."
Once outside, Twilight said, "We'll have better luck finding her if we split up. If you see her, try and talk her into meeting with us. We'll meet back at the castle in an hour. Good luck, everypony." They fanned out and began their search. Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Twilight (with Spike on her back) took to the air, while the others raced along the streets, asking any they met if they'd seen their troubled friend.
The hour was almost up when Rainbow spotted something pink moving towards the Everfree Forest.
As soon as she'd ran from Twilight, Pinkie had found a suitable place to hide. Knowing her Alicorn friend, she'd soon get all her friends involved in trying to talk to herself, and she simply wasn't up for it. So now she was crouched down within a bush, not far from the border of the Everfree.
The Everfree Forest. The perfect place to hide! Full of wild animals, many that wouldn't balk at sampling pony flesh...
That is what you want, right? To end it all? Maybe...maybe even take a few of them with us? Wouldn't that be grand?
"No," whispered Pinkie. "I don't want anypony else to get hurt."
Oh, but don't they deserve it? All this time, pretending to be your friends while laughing at you behind your back!
"That's not true!" Pinkie shouted. "Quit lying about my friends!"
The voice chuckled. You know I'm right. Why, right now they're looking for you, trying to get you to conform to their idea of normal!
"Stop it!! Leave me alone!!" Pinkie bolted out of the bush and headed straight for the Everfree. She'd almost made it to the Forest when she heard a shout come from above her.
"Hey! Pinkie! Where are you going?" said Rainbow. She landed in front of her, blocking her path. "We've all been looking for you," added Dash gently. "Why don't you come and talk to us?"
Pinkie had stopped and stared at the ground, not meeting her friend's eyes. "Shut up, just shut up..."
Rainbow looked startled. "Me?"
Pinkie looked up. "What? Oh, no...not you Dash. I was just...I was just talking to somepony else."
Dash looked around. "There's nopony else but us, Pinkie. Are you alright?" She took a step closer and said, "We just want to help, if we can. You're our friend." But Pinkie stepped back.
"None of you can help me, Dashie."
Encouraged by her use of her nickname, Dash held out a hoof. "Won't you at least let us try?"
Pinkie chewed her bottom lip as she stared at Rainbow's hoof. Then suddenly, she lunged forward and knocked her down. Speeding off into the Forest, she cried over her shoulder, "It's too late for me, Dash!"
Rainbow quickly got to her hooves, but not before Applejack came running up. "Ah saw her knock you down, Dash! Let's git her!"
"No!" yelled Dash. "I'll get her, you go get the others!" Without waiting for a reply, she took flight.
For an earth pony, Pinkie could be surprisingly fast when she needed to. But Rainbow was still faster and caught up to her before Pinkie had completely disappeared. "Pinkie!" she shouted. "Stop! I just want to help!"
But the pink mare put her head down and poured on more speed. "Leave me alone, Rainbow!"
"I won't!" cried Dash as she tackled her. The two rolled over and over, finally crashing against the trunk of a large tree. The impact stunned them both, but Pinkie was the first to recover.
"It's better this way, Dash. I'm sorry." She then sped off again.
"No...Pinkie...wait..." Rainbow got to her hooves and shook her head to clear it. She'd instinctively twisted her body to take the brunt of the impact, trying to spare her friend an injury. As a result, her head was spinning and she found it hard to stand. Still, she bared her teeth and flapped her wings, trying to pursue. Fortunately, she was no longer alone.
"Rainbow!" cried Twilight. "Are you alright?"
Rainbow landed and shut her eyes, trying to stop the spinning. "Never... mind... about me! Catch... Pinkie! I...I think she's going to do something... to herself!" She opened one eye and pointed. "She...she... went that way. Go get her!"
"Spike! Stay here with Rainbow! I'm going after her!" Spike hopped off her back and went to the pegasus, while Twilight took off in the direction she had indicated. Soon, she came upon Pinkie, who was staring over a cliff at the drop far, far below. Twilight landed a few yards behind her and said, "Pinkie."
Pinkie spun around and yelled, "Don't come any closer!" She then pulled the knife out from her mane and held it to her own throat. "I'll do it!"
Frightened, Twilight backed off a few feet and said, "Why, Pinkie? Why do you want to hurt yourself?"
Pinkie shut her eyes and trembled as she whispered, "I have to. She won't leave me alone."
"Who, Pinkie? Who won't leave you alone?!"
Before she could answer, the rest of the ponies showed up and stood with Twilight. They each looked at their friend with horror in their eyes.
"All of you, stay back!" She pressed the knife closer to her throat, causing a trickle of blood to seep down. "Leave me alone!" She took a step backward, getting closer to the yawning chasm.
Fluttershy was openly crying as she said, "Pinkie, please! We love you! Don't do this!"
"You!" Pinkie pointed the knife at Fluttershy and yelled, "You promised not to tell!"
"Pinkie...I..." she started to say, but that's when Twilight saw her chance. As fast as she could, she wrapped Pinkie in her magic, completely immobilizing her.
"Let me go! Let me go, you bitch!" Pinkie struggled to free herself, using all her earth pony strength.
"Somepony get that knife away from her!" cried Twilight as she fought to hold her. Rarity ran forward and tried to use her own magic on the knife, but Pinkie's grip was too strong.
"I can't do it! Applejack, help!" cried Rarity.
The farmer raced into action, gripping the knife in her teeth and fought with Pinkie for control of it, finally wrenching it away from the desperate mare. She cut herself badly in the process, but in the heat of the moment, she failed to notice. "Get her back to the castle, Twilight!" yelled Applejack.
"Alright! The rest of you, get there as quickly as you can!" Twilight concentrated, and she and Pinkie vanished.
The rest sat around for a moment, while Applejack and Rarity caught their breath. "We... better git movin'," panted Applejack.
Spike looked at her. "You're bleeding, Applejack."
Applejack wiped her mouth with a hoof and looked at the blood. She grimaced as she saw it, but said, "It don't matter none. C'mon, let's go!" With that, she took to her hooves, followed by the rest.
Back in the castle, the strain showed on Twilight's face as she held her struggling friend in her magic.
"Let me go! Let me GO!"
"Pinkie, Please! If you'll just calm down, maybe we can sort this out!"
"None of you can help me, Twilight! None of you!"
After a few moments, in desperation, Twilight sent a sleep spell upon her. The spell looked like it had no effect at first, but gradually, Pinkie closed her eyes, but not before whispering, "Let me end it...all."
When she'd finally fallen fast asleep, Twilight moved to her and gently held her.
That's how the others found them once they'd finally made it back. "How is she?" asked Applejack.
Twilight looked up at her terrified friends. "I had to use a sleep spell on her to quiet her. She's...not well."
"What do we do now?" asked Fluttershy. "She tried to kill herself; how do we help her?"
Twilight looked sad but determined. "First, we make sure she doesn't have anything else on her that she could use to harm herself. Then, we take her to one of the bedrooms and watch her."
So they searched her mane, and found candy, a cake, several muffins, and a few party noisemakers, but nothing else sharp or dangerous. Satisfied, Twilight levitated her to one of the rooms where she could rest, while everypony else followed. They all sat around the bed, staring forlornly at their friend. For her part, Pinkie was restless in her sleep, fidgeting, moving back and forth, and sometimes crying out. But they were all determined to keep an eye on her, no matter how long it took.
And it took a while.
In the morning, Pinkie slowly opened her eyes and looked around. All her friends were gathered around her, some more sleepy than others, but all were gazing at her with a mixture of pity and concern.
"How...how long was I out?"
"For most of the day, and early into the morning," said Twilight. "How do you feel?"
Pinkie's stomach grumbled. "I...I'm a little hungry." She looked around at them all and her face grew bright red as she remembered the previous day's events. "I didn't mean all the things I said. You're not a bitch, Twilight." Then she looked around. "And I love you all. I'm sorry I scared you. I didn't mean to."
They all came forward and wrapped her in a hug. "We know, Pinkie. We just want you to get better," said Applejack.
"I...I'll try, everypony."
Pinkie's recovery wasn't easy. There were many months of therapy, along with being prescribed certain medications, but with her friends beside her at all times, she slowly made progress.
Author's Note
Mental health issues have no 'one size fits all' solution. If you or a loved one are having issues, I highly recommend seeing a professional and calling the Suicide Prevention Hotline. Plus, even more so, I ask you to speak to a beloved family member or friend.
Remember: we all have meaning and purpose. Don't let anyone or any thing tell you different!
The world would be a sadder place without you.
