A Pony Named Nope

by Nyerguds

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 18083

In an unremarkable city, in an unremarkable hospital, to two unremarkable ponies, a filly was born. A filly who was all too remarkable. A filly who radiated Destiny, and Adventure. Her parents did not approve.

In an unremarkable city, in an unremarkable hospital, to two unremarkable ponies, a filly was born. A filly who was all too remarkable. A filly who radiated Destiny, and Adventure.

Her parents, however, liked their unremarkable life, in their unremarkable city, and wanted nothing more for their little filly than to have a nice, normal, unremarkable youth. So whenever Destiny or Adventure reared their heads, they made sure to nip it in the bud. Magical portals, foreign princes, time travellers and mysterious salesponies of magical musical instruments all got the same answer:

Nope.

Based on the Nope: The Anime joke (original posts) that went around on Tumblr some years ago. Expect silliness.

Covert art based on a picture by greyscale / Theponysketchguy, edited by me to change her hair and eye colour and make her look younger.

Spanish version:
Un poni llamado Nop on DeviantArt, translated by SPANIARD KIWI.

Published 2019-05-20 17:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-12-13 21:48:59 UTC

Nope 01: Nope and the Alicorn Effect

When the filly was born, everypony realized something special had happened.

There was the fact she had a horn, while neither of her parents had one.

And then, there was the fact she had wings, too, again, like neither of her parents.

"An alicorn?" the mother said, sagging back on her hospital bed. "Oh, no."

"Now, dear, these things are known to happen," the father assured her. "She's just a... pegasus-unicorn. Not some sort of—"

"Look at her hair!" the mother exclaimed, and the father went silent. There was no denying the hair. A newborn baby's mane and tail are not supposed to look like several hundreds of bits were spent on styling it. And it flowed. Like an invisible wind in slow-motion breezing through it, sparkling all along the length of the hair.

"She's a protagonist!" the mother wailed. "I can't handle this! I can't raise a child like that!"

"Now, dear..." the father started, but he was cut off.

"No! You know how these things go! Look at what happened to Ponyville after the Princess' student moved in! Nightmare Moon, parasprites, dragon attacks... and when they visited Canterlot for the Royal Wedding? Then everything went wrong there!"

"It'll be all right," the father assured her, half-heartedly. "We don't have an Everfree Forest around here for hundreds of miles!"

The mother shook her head. "I- I can't stay with this child."

"Please, honey," the father said, trying to calm her down. "Think of the consequences! You'll give her a tragic backstory! That's not helping at all!"

The mother blinked, and sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry."

They looked around, and saw a whole flock of nurses pressed against the room's window, admiring the newborn.

"Ohh!" the mother said, frustrated. "It's already starting! See?"

"I'll fix it," the father said. He grabbed a pair of scissors with his mouth, and before the horrified nurses, he cut off the baby's beautiful, flowing mane with a couple of rough cuts.

It didn't work. Her hair seemed to curve to accentuate the rough cuts, which gave the filly a cut that would probably be describable as "daring", "modern", "stylish" and other such nonsense. The point was, it didn't look, in any way, bad.

The father sighed, and opened the window to get some fresh air. In the evening sky, a faint green glimmer was visible in the distance. He squinted his eyes, and saw it was some kind of swirling portal thing.

"Oh, come on!" he said as he slammed the window shut. Several dozen breezies flattened against it. "That's it. We're leaving."

"You can't just leave!" one of the nurses yelled as she ran after the couple. She caught up with them just as they reached the building's exit. "The child needs to have a name, first!"

The father frowned. "Nope."

"What?" the nurse asked, dumbfounded.

"Nope. I'll name her 'Nope'."

"That's not a name for a filly like that! I'd even say, it's not a name at all!"

"No...ble, P...inions," the father finally said. "Good enough for you?"

The nurse gave him a suspicious look. "You just made that up so you could call her 'Nope', didn't you?"

The father turned around and followed his wife out of the hospital building. Before closing the door behind him, he turned to the nurse and smiled.

"Yep."

Author's Note

Alright, so this is a bit of silliness I actually wrote years ago, in 2014... but I never quite knew where to take it, since it's just a silly whimsical thing, without any structure, point, or conclusion. But, still... it's a fun little ride, even if I only wrote four chapters. So I wrote slightly better endings to the last two chapters, expanded some bits here and there, and decided to go ahead and post it.

Nope 02: Nope and the Time Travellers

"It's too much!" Nope's mother yelled. "I can't take it anymore!"

Noble Pinions, generally known as 'Nope', was three years old, and, so far, all things considered, she'd had a rather normal and unremarkable foalhood.

"Now, dear..." her husband tried, futilely.

"Don't you 'now dear' me!" his wife said. "You're not the one who has to chase off the magical talking cats, prevent her from following the will-o-wisps into some magical well that wasn't there the day before, or clean up behind the scores of cute fluffy animals that turn up on a daily basis. In a fourth floor apartment, no less!"

"We discussed this, didn't we? You can't leave! She'll just have a tragic backstory, to boot!"

"No," Nope's mother said, resolutely. "I'm the one who's having a tragic story right now. I've had enough."

And thus, at the age of three, Nope tragically lost her mother, and it fell upon her father to keep away the pixies, brick up the spontaneously appearing gateways to alternate dimensions, and chase away the breezie godmothers that wanted to offer magical gifts to the foal.

As she grew up, she learned to deal with situations like that. Don't talk to strangers. Especially don't talk to mysterious strangers. Don't make any foalhood promises with best friends. Don't make time capsules.

"You have to make your own story," her dad told her. "Don't let destiny sweep you away. Adventure generally just gets you hurt."

And she replied, "Okay," and helped him clean up the shards of the magical mirror that had somehow appeared in her bedroom.

"Daad!" Nope's voice came from her bedroom.

Her dad got up from the couch and walked to her room. "What's wrong, Nope?" he asked as he opened the bedroom.

The filly, who was now six years old, sat upright in her bed and pointed at the pony in the metallic suit. "I think it's a time traveller."

The pony in the suit looked at Nope's father. "Sir, it is of the utmost importance that I—"

"So," Nope's dad interrupted him. "Time traveller, huh?"

"Uh. Yes."

"From the future, I assume?"

"Indeed. Twen—"

"So, then you surely know all about time, don't you?" Dad interrupted him.

"Oh. Well. I am intimately familiar with the inner workings of time, y—"

"Good. Then you should know it's her bed time," he said, his eyes narrowing. "Little fillies need their sleep. If you insist on visiting her at this hour of the night, young stallion, I suggest you come back in about ten years."

"Good sir, you don't understand! I have to gi—"

"I'm tired," the filly said. "Just lemme sleep."

Nope's dad tilted his head. "You heard the filly. Now leave, or I will call the Guard."

"This is a matter far beyond the Guard!" the time traveller said, slightly panicky.

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Nope's dad deadpanned. "I'll just get a kitchen knife, then, and stab you until you leave." His eyes narrowed. "And if you just come back right away after taking the time to heal in the future? I'll just stab you again until you get the message."

"But... you are dooming the future to—"

This time, the time traveller did not get interrupted by Nope's dad. A blue flash appeared next to him, and out of it came another pony in a metallic suit. Notably, this one had a long scar on his left cheek, and an eyepatch covering his right eye. For the rest, he was completely identical to the other one, except for maybe looking a few years older.

"Hey," he said, to his younger self. "He's serious. It's not worth it. Just abort the mission. Maybe we can get to Twilight Sparkle instead."

The younger time traveller gave him a sour look. "Twilight Sparkle? You know how she is with time travel in this period! One botched time-loop turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and she stops taking it all seriously! We're months before the Glimmer Incident; trying to get through to her will be a pain!"

"Trust me. This was more pain," the older one said, pointing to his eyepatch. His younger self grumbled, tapped a few keys on a device on his leg, and disappeared in a blue flash.

Nope's dad looked at the remaining silver-suited pony and cocked an eyebrow. "Did you just cause a time paradox?"

"Psh. Those things are overrated," the time traveller said. "Anyway, be grateful. It took me six times getting stabbed to finally get the message. You don't go for the eyes unless you get really mad. I just saved us both a lot of trouble."

The stallion tapped a few keys on the device on his leg, just like his younger self had done, and disappeared in a blue flash.

Nope looked at her dad. "Time travellers are weird," she said.

"Indeed, they are," her dad said, while tucking her in. He gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Goodnight, sweetie."

"Night, dad."

Nope 03: Nope and the Potential High School Drama

"Come on, Nope!" Sunshine said as she galloped ahead. "We need your help! There's no way we'll get all the decorations finished in time without you!"

Nope frowned. On one hoof, her father had warned her about the "wacky hijinks" that resulted from helping in a school festival. Before you knew it, you were pinned under some collapsed piece of theater background together with a schoolmate and you were promptly dumped into romantic drama. But, realistically, she could hardly refuse; everypony else was helping, after all. And her dad had already written too many notes to get her out of stuff like that; the school had stopped accepting them.

She threw a wistful glance at the swirling portal that had spontaneously appeared at the other end of the schoolyard, but forced herself to look away. After all, there was little sense in tumbling headlong into adventure to avoid menial labour. Adventure would probably involve a lot more work and potential injuries than helping with the school festival, anyway. Probably.

"Oh, all right, then," she said, prompting the portal to disappear in a disappointed puff of orange smoke, and followed her friend to the school gym. She knew how these things went; undoubtedly, he'd be there, too. Some colts just didn't get the hint. Her father had considered sending her to an all-fillies school to avoid unnecessary romantic drama, but unfortunately there were none around, and, to be fair, he had doubted it would change much, except that it would force Destiny to ensure she exhibited some measure of attraction to the same gender. He had wisely decided she could really do without that extra bit of complication in her life.

Mind you, she never felt like her father was sabotaging her destiny, per se. "You got cheated, filly," he told her once. "The world thought it could plan out your life for you right away. So, the only proper response is to cheat it right back!"

In other words... she could fall in love and be swept away, sure. She could jump through one of these portals and come back months later as a hardy adventurer. But by the Sun and the Moon, she'd do so on her own terms. And right now she really didn't feel like it.

Right now, she also really didn't feel like working on the preparations of the school festival, but Twilight Sparkle had already proven that sitting quietly with your muzzle in a book was no guarantee Destiny wouldn't come after you. Also, sitting quietly with her muzzle in a book would get those pesky members of the now-closed Library Club whining at her again. You'd think they'd respect quiet reading time, but no; refuse one request to help save their club, and wham, they hold a grudge. It wasn't her fault no one cared about their club. Nope had simply been part of the large group of ponies that didn't care. As far as she was concerned, reading was something you did alone in a quiet corner. Why would you need a club for that? To make absolutely sure nothing like that would ever happen again, she'd joined the Tennis Club. She wasn't all that good at tennis, but it had two dozen members and was certainly not in any state that would need rescuing any time soon.

She followed Sunshine to the stage where they were building the set, once again refused the starring role when the director came to bother her about it, and threw yet another apologetic look at the filly that was playing said role.

"Oh, hi, Pinions!" the Inevitable Colt greeted her. He gave a small uncertain nod to Sunshine, apparently not sure how to greet the second part of the duo.

Nope nodded noncommittally and walked on.

Sunshine snickered. "You should really talk to him, you know," she said.

Nope gave her a dry look. "You know I can't."

"Psssh! Of course you can. You just don't want to. Live a little, filly! High school romance is part of life!"

"Betcha if I give in he'll either get terminally ill, turn out to be some other-dimensional prince, or get replaced by a clone by Humans from Outer Space."

"Oh, come on," Sunshine said, rolling her eyes. "That only happened once. He's just being friendly!"

"And that was already enough to make it happen, last time!" Nope replied. "Starburst still shies away from me. Both of them do, in fact."

Sunshine shrugged. "The princesses got him back. Frankly, I don't see the big deal; he got to make a space trip! And he gained a twin brother!"

Nope snickered. She was glad Sunshine was around. When confronted with weirdness, most ponies understandably freaked out, but not Sunshine; she just took everything in stride. Once, when Nope was sucked into a magical portal and only managed to get back an hour later, Sunshine had just asked if she'd brought a souvenir.

"I'm only fourteen," Nope said. "Dad said I should wait until I'm at least sixteen to get into romance."

"So, you're going to leave the poor guy hanging for two years instead of just going out there and telling him that? Harsh, filly!"

Nope sighed. "I hate it when you make sense."

"I'm your voice of reason in a crazy world!" Sunshine teased.

"Right, right." She looked around the gym hall and spotted the place where a bunch of her fellow students were painting stage pieces. Thankfully, none of them looked large enough to topple and trap anypony underneath. "Let's just get this over with, alright?"

Sunshine gave her a level look. "Yes, let's", she said, blocking her way to the stage pieces.

"Oh, come on!" Nope said. "I'll talk to him later. Maybe."

"Nope, you are going to talk to him right now, and unless you actually mean that 'two years' thing, you're going to do it in a way that won't just make him give you hopeful glances for the next two years."

"Whatever happened to 'no way we'll get the decorations finished'?" Nope protested.

Sunshine didn't budge. "The sooner you get this over with, the sooner we can start on that."

Nope grumbled something under her breath, but nodded in defeat. All right. So she'd confront the colt.

She frowned. "I don't even know his name."

"You don't want to know anypony's name, Nope", Sunshine said. "It took me two months to get you to remember mine."

"It's just easier, that way," Nope groused.

"Well, no longer. You are going to talk to Blue Pine and tell him what you really think of him."

"I don't think anything of him!" Nope said, desperately. "What do I even say?"

"Well, I dunno!" Sunshine said. "I don't exactly get suitors popping up around every corner! Hey, remember that prince that showed up here once? He was sooo dreamy!"

"He was also a dragon," Nope pointed out. "And that was a pretty decent reason to send him off. But this guy?"

"Blue Pine," Sunshine helpfully filled in.

"Right. Blue Pine? He's just a pony!" Nope continued in a whisper. "I don't even know him, and undoubtedly he'd like us to get to know each other, and then, agh! I don't even know!"

"Maybe he's nice?"

"You're not seriously suggesting what I think you are suggesting."

"Well, he seems nice!"

"He calls me Pinions!" Nope whisper-shouted at her friend. "Nopony calls me Pinions! Not even my dad!"

"Your dad started that whole 'Nope' silliness," Sunshine pointed out. She pushed her friend in the direction of the blue colt and grinned. "Now get out there and woo him!"

"That was never the plan and you know it!" Nope whispered back loudly, desperately hoping her friend was joking. With that look on her face, you never could tell.

And so, Noble Pinions, for the first time in her young life, was forced to confront a completely normal well-meaning suitor without any kind of noble background or ulterior motives.

"Um. Hi," she said, awkwardly.

"Oh, hey, Pinions!" Blue Pine replied.

"Please don't call me that," Nope mumbled. "Everypony calls me Nope." She frowned. "In fact, the only time my full name was ever mentioned was at the introductions when I entered the school."

"Yeah, I, um... remembered." Blue said. "I just thought the nickname sounded like a close-friends kind of thing, really."

Nope raised an eyebrow. "What ever gave you that idea?"

"Well, you shied away from practically everypony calling you that, except for Sunshine."

"I shy away from everypony," Nope pointed out. "It's not the name thing."

"Oh. I see," Blue said. "I mostly just wanted to be polite. I mean, you always hang out with Sunshine." He blushed. "It's just... she's so spontaneous and open, you know? I don't know if she'd even take me seriously."

Nope's eyes widened as the gears in her head clicked together. "Wait. You're not here for me?"

The colt shrank. "You had a dragon prince asking your hoof in marriage!" he said. "I can't compete with that! Why do you think I was trying to be polite?"

Nope laughed. "Oh, wow," she said. "I honestly never looked at it like that." She glanced at Sunshine, who had noticed the sudden change in atmosphere, and was sporting the most puzzled look Nope had ever seen on her face.

She grinned at the colt. "Hey, tell you what. I'll go get her, okay? Just, stay calm, and don't run away. And then, the two of you will have a very nice chat, while I go help the other ponies paint wooden bush cutouts."

She walked towards Sunshine, unable to suppress a smirk as she got closer. "Well," she said to her friend, "I guess high school romance is part of life, after all." She patted her on the shoulder, glanced over to the colt behind her, moved her mouth closer to Sunshine's ear, and whispered, "So go live a little, filly."

Author's Note

If you enjoyed the story, please upvote! :3

Nope 05: Nope and the Reluctant Princess

When Nope neared the apartment where she and her dad lived, she was greeted by the familiar sound of her dad having a shouting match with someone.

It must be noted, at this point, that Nope's dad was a very calm and reasonable person, who dealt with high-stress situations on a daily basis without batting an eye. Hearing him shout like this always meant that he was confronted with the one thing he could absolutely not stand: unwelcome visitors who refused to leave.

She turned a corner and saw him yelling at a Guard. Correction: a Royal Guard. A bit further, Spike the Dragon was sitting on the porch with a tub of popcorn with the occasional gem mixed in. The Alicorn Princess Twilight Sparkle was standing next to all this, in a state of bewildered embarassment.

"Please, can you two—" she tried, but the two stallions ignored her and kept shouting. "Really now, there's no n—" she made another attempt, but to no avail. "You're supposed to be my guard!" she wailed. "Come onn!"

Nope sat down beside Spike, floated out a popcorn kernel from his tub, and gave him a short nod as she popped it into her mouth. "Any good lines so far?" she asked, leaning over to the notebook Spike had lying next to him.

"Well, this one made Twilight turn beet red, so, that's probably a keeper," Spike said, tapping a line in the notebook with the back of his pencil. "I'll just have to look it up, first."

Nope nodded. Spike was a sensible young dragon. He knew that you should never use military-grade or dad-grade bad language without knowing what you were saying. And hey, it was educational.

Spike looked up. "I wonder when they'll notice you're here."

"Twilight, my dad, or the guard?" Nope asked.

"Well, those two will keep shouting until their voices give out," he said, nodding at the two stallions. "So just Twilight, I guess."

Nope gave a short nod. "I give it another minute."

Twilight Sparkle sighed and sat down on the porch on Spike's other side. "Why does this always happen? I didn't even want an escort! And now he's not even listening to me."

"Oh, you can take your royal orders and stuff them—" Nope's dad continued. Spike grinned, grabbed his notebook and started writing down the magnificently colourful euphemism that followed.

"I never even gave any royal orders!" Twilight lamented. "Oh, hi, Nope."

"Hey," Nope said. She started mentally counting down. Three... two... one...

Twilight looked up. "Wait, you're here!"

"Hm. Barely thirty seconds," Spike said.

Nope nodded. "She's getting better at this."

Twilight slumped down. "That's not funny..."

"So, what brings you—" Nope started, but the shouting match interrupted her. She rolled her eyes. "Let's go inside. The walls have sound insulation."

Twilight nodded. "Coming, Spike?"

Spike shook his head and grabbed the notebook. "Naah, I'll come up later," he said, grinning, and wrote down another literary gutter-gem.

"Spike!" she hissed. The young dragon sighed, grabbed his notebook and popcorn bucket, and reluctantly followed the two towards the apartment building.

Nope never really knew what to make of the Alicorn Princess Twilight Sparkle.

The other princesses were easy. Celestia would pretend to leave them to their own affairs, but was always subtly trying to manipulate stuff. Nope's dad had a knack for spotting her schemes, though, and had nipped every single one he found in the bud. Which of course meant there had to be some larger schemes still going on. But Celestia's meddling was usually benign, and subtle enough so you only realised later that she had done something nice for you. Nope's dad grudgingly accepted these small favours; even he knew better than to truly spar with the multimillennial intellect of someone who had an entire country to do her bidding.

Luna was far less subtle, often trying to urge them to move to a more protected environment where a budding alicorn could grow up safely. Nope's dad would dryly throw in her face that getting whisked away to some kind of royal sheltered life was just as bad as all the other stuff trying to nab her, and had slammed the door into her face on several occasions.

Cadance was the chillest alicorn around. She came over every now and then, to give her now-eleven-year-old alicorn daughter the chance to play with someone on her own magical level. Apparently she'd turned one too many of her classmates into potted plants, and had been banned from the playground in the Crystal Empire Elementary School. Nope didn't mind. Flurry Heart was like the little cousin you only saw occasionally but who was always fun to play with. Nope's dad grudgingly allowed it, as long as they didn't use magical portals to come over. Portals made him twitchy.

Twilight, though...

The problem with Twilight, as far as Nope could see, was that she had no control over her life. She'd get dragged from one world-ending situation into the next with no clue how to handle things, and if it hadn't been for her friends, Nope was certain she would've been admitted into some kind of mental hospital years ago. She just woke up one day, after some magic mishap, to find she was suddenly a princess, and even now, years later, she still had no clue what that really meant.

Nope sympathised with her. Unlike the others, Twilight never felt very princess-y. She had the castle, but always felt it was too large, and she had the guards, somehow, but as demonstrated by the scene in front of the apartment building, she had no idea how to handle these, either. And she didn't rule any land; Nope knew ponies made "Princess of Books" jokes when talking about her.

Nope closed the door behind Twilight and walked to the dinner table. "So, Princess Twilight Sparkle, to what do I owe the honour of your Royal Visitation?" she asked while getting a seat.

Twilight squirmed. "Could you... please not?" She glanced at the window, from which could very faintly be heard that the shouting match four floors below showed no signs of slowing. "This is embarassing enough as it is. Ugh, I shouldn't have come here; I know you don't like us bumping into your life. I just... need your help."

Nope gave her a dry look. "You know the answer to that one, Twilight."

"No, no, no! Nothing like that! You don't even have to go anywhere! It's purely, well... academical, I guess?"

Nope raised an eyebrow. In the past, Twilight had come over several times in a half-panicked state, frantically urging her to come on some world-saving mission. That had only netted her the Standard Answer, forcing the bewildered princess to go look for allies elsewhere. But Twilight had the worst poker face in the world. If she was trying to ask for help on dangerous matters she never managed to hide it. This was clearly different.

Twilight grabbed a chair and took a spot at the table. "It's about portals."

"Oh," Nope replied with a nod. As much as she loathed those things, that actually made sense.

"I, um, heard about... what happened to you a few weeks ago." Twilight seemed uncomfortable about the source of her information, meaning it was most likely a certain meddlesome white alicorn.

"I get nabbed by portals all the time, Twilight," Nope said with a shake of her mane. "I've had a student from Celestia's School who did his thesis on portals by hanging around me for a week."

Twilight nodded. "Oh, that was a very interesting paper! Fourteen new types discovered, in only a week! Are those void monsters really that common? I never saw any of them so far!" She sat straight up and blinked. "Uh. That's..." She slumped down again. "...not at all what I wanted to talk about. Sorry."

"So what did you want to talk about?" Nope asked. She was getting slightly annoyed at Twilight's tendency to get distracted at the drop of a hat.

"I heard you came into possession of a universal portal-nullifying spell." She sighed. "And... I got a portal I can't close."

Nope cocked her head slightly. There was something she wasn't telling her. "Where did it come from?"

Twilight squirmed.

"Did you make it?"

Twilight meekly shook her head.

Nope sighed. "But you know who did make it, don't you?"

Twilight practically whimpered. It was rather undignified to see on an alicorn.

Nope finally connected all the dots in her head, and made an educated guess. "Twilight, if you are having issues with Discord, that's not a portals problem. It's a friendship problem! That's your area of expertise!"

"I'm sorry! It's just been driving me mad! I'm in a critical phase of my research, and he opens random portals to some dimension of bunnies in my study! They chew on everything, and they poop everywhere!"

"So what did Flut—"

"She thought it was cute!" Twilight wailed. "He knows her too well, Nope! When he gets really serious about his pranking, he just does things that distract her to the point where she's completely unhelpful!"

"And why is he so serious about his pranking?"

Twilight blinked. "I, uh. I have no idea."

Nope's head hit the table. "This is my life, now," she mumbled. "The Princess of Freaking Friendship comes to a hormonal teenager for advice on how to deal with others."

"I didn't!" Twilight protested. "I came here to ask for advice on portals!"

"What am I, now, Princess of Portals?" Nope shook her head and gave Twilight a dry look. "No, Twilight. This is a friendship problem."

"He's not really my friend, you know," Twilight grumbled. "He's more like, that annoying neighbour who keeps playing loud music in his back yard, and is just waiting for you to finally snap and tell him to shut it off, just so he can say 'nah'." She squinted at Nope. "He's Fluttershy's friend."

"So ask her what might be bothering him, then, instead of just showing her the cute bunny result!" Nope shouted in annoyance.

Twilight looked away uncomfortably. "I'm sorry. You're right."

"Seriously," Nope said, "why am I the one who has to tell you that magic isn't the solution to all of life's problems?"

Twilight opened her mouth to reply, stopped, then opened it again. "Ah... hmm." She frowned. "But... well..."

Nope slowly backed away. "It isn't, Twilight," she insisted.

"Are you sure? Because most problems can be—"

"Including friendship problems?" Nope interjected.

Twilight slumped down. "Starlight Glimmer seems to think so," she mumbled. She quickly sat upright. "Not that I agree with that! I just mean, technically..." She squirmed uncomfortably. "...yeah, no."

She closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths, and then looked at Nope again. "I'm sorry to have bothered you with this. I was just at my wit's end, and... I guess I just needed some distance." She got up from the table. "Thanks for hearing me out, at least." She looked around the room. "Spike?"

Nope smirked. "Oh, he didn't actually follow us when we went upstairs. He's still down there making notes."

Author's Note

So, yea. Another chapter, answering a few things about Nope's relationships to the princesses.

And yes, Evil Overlord Nope totally taught her the anti-portal spell :moustache:

Nope 06: Nope and the Abducted Changelings

Nope opened her eyes, and looked out of the green membrane.

Well, she thought. This was different.

A quick glance around her confirmed what she had already suspected; she was inside a changeling hive. She pushed against the membrane of the cocoon she was in, and surprisingly found it to be hard and glassy.

A bored looking drone flew lazily between the cocoons, occasionally looking inside one to check on its occupant. As he passed, Nope politely knocked on the transparent wall to get his attention.

"Excuse me... did one of you actually... replace me?" She gave the changeling an unsure look. "Just want to make sure my dad doesn't get worried."

The changeling looked around nervously. "Uh. Well. We did. But the drone replacing you stopped checking in for the arranged meetings, and we couldn't locate her anywhere. So we sent another drone to replace her, and... she also vanished. That's actually the reason you're awake now; we were hoping you'd be able to shed some light on that."

Nope blinked. No... surely, destiny couldn't be fooled that easily... could it? As the implications became clear, she couldn't help but laugh. And laugh more. In fact, she had trouble stopping.

"I-it's not funny, okay? This normally doesn't happen!" the changeling responded with an embarrassed look on his face. "We just figured, alicorns are generally beloved figureheads in Equestrian society, so..." He sighed. "So what is your deal, anyway? You must have some powerful enemies out there..."

Nope snorted, but managed to get her laughter under control. "Nope," she said. "Quite the opposite." She imagined what could've happened to the poor changelings that had replaced her, and almost burst into laughter again.

"What happened to my hivemates?" the changeling demanded. "This is a serious matter! It's like they vanished into thin air!"

Nope took a deep breath. "Right, right, sorry. To tell you the truth... I've been plagued by portals."

The changeling gave her a confused look. "Portals?"

"Magical portals," Nope explained. "See, I'm an alicorn. And apparently, according to the Rules of the Universe, that implies that I have a Great Destiny. But I've been kind of, uh... avoiding it. And so, we get portals."

The changeling shook his head. "Wait, wait, hold up." He flew up to the cocoon that Nope was trapped in, and suddenly started talking more quietly. "You're saying my hivemates did, in fact, not get vapourised by some all-powerful bad guy. You're saying they've been swallowed up by magical portals to... some great destiny?"

Nope nodded. "Sorry. By now, your agents are probably rulers, heroes or princesses of some podunk kingdom in some parallel world. That's how these things go."

The changeling nodded thoughtfully. "I... honestly have somewhat conflicting feelings about that."

Nope raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Kinda relieved they're probably okay..." The changeling's voice lowered to a whisper. "Also, kinda jealous, I guess."

Nope rolled her eyes. "Bah. Adventure and destiny. They can have it. If I learned anything about adventure, it's that my dad was absolutely right about it; it's a lot more trouble than it's worth."

"Easy for you to say," the changeling objected. "You're destined for greatness anyway! But we, on the other hoof, are just lowly drones! If we ever see that kind of action, it's on the side that gets adventured, rather than the side that does the adventuring." He narrowed his eyes. "It's the less fun side to be on, I assure you."

"Okay, fair point," Nope conceded. She put a hoof under her chin. "Hmm. Actually, I could see this as some kind of vacation."

The changeling smiled, and looked around to make sure no one else was listening in. "Hmm. Actually, so could I," he said, conspiratorially. "The hive does need a new drone to replace you, after all." He looked around the other pods hanging onto the cave ceiling. "Must be a better job than this one, anyway."

Nope looked around, but through the green membrane it was hard to make out if there were ponies inside the other pods. "Did you... uh, get, my friend Sunshine in here, too? She was with me, last I remember."

The changeling facehoofed. "Ugh. Her." He looked back at Nope. "We normally never do this, but... we kicked her out."

Nope blinked. "What?"

"Yeah. See, normally, we put ponies in a pod, give them pleasant dreams, and harvest the love they generate. But your friend Sunshine..." He narrowed his eyes. "She's a lucid dreamer."

"Oh," Nope responded, unsure what to say. "So, what happened?"

"Well, at first, everything went fine. Very nice, dreaming of her boyfriend, all lovey dovey. Then, she figured it out, and started... changing the dream." He shivered. "I don't know the details; I was thankfully never on dream monitoring duty for her. But, those that were are a shivering mess now, and refuse to talk about what they saw." He glared at Nope. "And then she just... woke up, and asked if we could please let her out."

Nope nodded. "She has this odd way of being... unaffected by this type of thing."

"So, yea, we blindfolded her and dumped her at the edge of town. Good riddance."

"She, uh, didn't ask about me?" Nope asked.

The changeling once again gave her an embarrassed look. "She saw your pod, and said we poor creatures had no idea what powers we were messing with." He chuckled. "We stupidly assumed she was just talking about alicorn magic. Guess I know better now."

"You know," Nope said, "even if we pull this off... they're going to figure it out eventually. Either your hive will catch on, or the destiny mess will catch up with me. We can't fool them forever."

The drone smirked. "Sure. But by then, you'll have had some more peace and quiet... and I'll be long gone."

"All right," Nope said. "Put me back in the dream, then. We'll see how long it lasts."

"I monitored your dreams," the drone said. "Never seen anything like them. Most ponies dream of adventures... being great and powerful... making a difference in the world. But you... your dreams are boring!"

Nope flicked her constantly-flowing mane with a hoof, with no visible effect. "My dreams are the only place where I have some peace and quiet... and Princess Luna gave me some pointers."

She didn't bother to correct the obvious wrong conclusion that this would mean she was friends with the Lunar Princess. Said pointers had in fact been given quite reluctantly, as bribe to make sure Nope wouldn't tell her dad about the fact she had caught Luna messing with her dream. Because none of the princesses wanted to deal with him when he was in a bad mood, and in the past he had already proven to be far too good at cutting through the red tape to spit his bile at them in person.

She looked at the drone. "Well. I'm going back to sleep, then. Good luck on the whole destiny thing."

The drone grinned at her. "Why, thank you, princess." He nodded politely. "Pleasant dreams."

One week and three missing drones later, the changelings caught on, and kicked her out of their hive.

Sunshine just asked if she'd had a relaxing vacation.

Author's Note

Yeah, I decided to expand that little thing I posted as comment before. Enjoy.

Thanks to lazyreader19 for the original comment that inspired this!

Nope Side Stories: A Tale of Five Changelings

So... whatever happened to those five changelings that replaced Nope? Let's take a closer look...

Changeling The First: Induced Cacophony

"Evasive action!" Prosoma yelled from her position in the gunner's seat.

Prince-in-Exile Allegro, formerly of the Grand Symphonious Empire, yanked the steering bar to the side, sending the spacecraft into a spin, and saw how the laser blasts narrowly avoided their hull. "Please tell me we finally got a lock on this thing!" he yelled back.

"It has some sort of refraction stealth shield! It's hard to pinpoint!" Prosoma replied. "Wait, if I combine the refracted images in the targeting computer I should be able to find a pattern... Yes!" She slammed a black hoof onto the big red button in front of her, and was rewarded with the silent flash of an explosion in the distance.

"Brace for shockwave!" she yelled. A few seconds later, the ship rattled from the forces released by the exploded stealth ship.

Allegro checked his instruments. "All clear!" he yelled back, and he let out a sigh of relief. He looked at the person sitting in the gunner's chair. His beautiful, brilliant, alien wife.

* * *

A mere week ago, he'd been hell-bent on extracting the raw magical power from his captive alicorn, and using it to subdue the entire planet. His father would be so proud! But, instead of giving him infinite power, the alicorn had burst into green flames... and revealed a small, rather pathetic-looking black creature.

He had been devastated. So much effort and planning had gone into this. He had observed the subject for years, ensuring she was absolutely perfect for his plans. And yet, after all that effort, he'd been duped like a fool, by what amounted to a cheap magician's trick. The old switcheroo.

His subjects had fled; they knew the wrath of Grand Emperor Fortissimo would fall upon him. He had spent vast amounts of resources on this, certain that the alicorn power would make up for all of it. But he had wasted the small window of opportunity during which the world's two celestial goddesses' prying eyes had been focused elsewhere. He'd never get a second chance.

Pity and compassion had come from the most unlikely source; his captive. Somehow, she had a fire in her blue bulbous eyes. An urge to do more with her life. To be more than a mere drone in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And so, they hadn't just fled his father's wrath. They had punched back against the Empire, dealing blow after blow, building a rebellion to liberate worlds from the Grand Symphony. And he had seen the things he had been blind to before; how all those who fell outside the Harmonious Tones were treated. The ones that did not fit the Perfect Melody of the Empire. The False Notes... hunted, oppressed, exterminated.

* * *

He released the clasp of his seat, weightlessly pushed himself towards Prosoma, and kissed her on that cute chitin mouth.

Together, they could take on the universe.

Changeling The Second: Coxa the First

Well. Here I am.

Coxa the Queen.

Queen of all the Land! Who'd have thought that?

But, how did I come to this, you say? And who are those strange fellows that surround my throne? That you also say! Well. It's a long story. Come closer and I'll tell you. It all started... yesterday. And what a day that was! It's what I call... a Bad Mane Day.

* * *

Don't give me that look. That stupid alicorn had some kind of weird wavy mane. I'd like to see you try to get it right! And as if the mane wasn't bad enough, she was below legal drinking age, and I really needed a drink. So, I might've... changed the shape a little. Made her a bit older, sure, why not. Surely no one would notice. And, indeed, they didn't! For an alicorn, she sure wasn't known in the neighborhood. Better for me, of course. It meant I had no trouble at all finding a joint that would serve 'her' plenty of booze.

When I woke up, though... everything was different. The Land I was in was certainly not Equestria; in fact, when I asked the weird animated scarecrow, he just called it "This Land" and started spouting some bizarre creation myth involving two dinosaurs. And my mane still looked all wrong!

That was the start of Coxa's Bad Mane Day...

Changeling The Third: Tarsus the Informed

It worked! It actually worked!

Tarsus looked at the portal that had appeared in front of him. As Nope had said, all it had taken was looking like her, and Destiny would follow. He was about to embark on a journey the likes of which he could only dream of before!

Without hesitation, he jumped in.

* * *

The inhabitants of the derelict town could scarcely believe their eyes. An alicorn! One of the mythical fourth class of ponies, which hadn't been seen for millennia! A living being with the power to juggle the Sun and Moon would surely be able to liberate them from the tyranny of the Storm King!

Tarsus looked at the hopeful faces of the ponies around him as they told him all their hopes and dreams. His grin faded as he realised how out of his depth he was.

"Buck me. I'm the Thief pretending to be the Wizard," he muttered to himself. "I need to find me some other party members... and fast."

* * *

So much had happened since that disastrous arrival. Not even a week in, his deception was revealed. But he had been determined to go on. He had become Tarsus the Ghost, the uncatchable hero, destined to liberate the nations from the yoke of the Storm King! Together with his friends, he would succeed. He looked at the bulky Abyssinian, Tom, and the tall Diamond Dog, Dutch; the strangest pair of blood brothers he had ever seen. He looked at Thundercloud, the thin pegasus who, despite her frail body, could chuck down the meanest of lightning bolts. And he looked at Spark, the young green dragon who had saved him so many times, and who ensured he would never feel the Changeling Hunger in his guts.

Then, he looked at the thunderclouds ahead, and a grim determined smile appeared on his face.

"Storm King, here we come."

Changeling The Fourth: Shattered Expectations

Twilight Sparkle looked at the inert Amulet of the Two Alicorns in front of her, and looked at the 'Noble Pinions' standing next to her. She sighed.

"I should've known something was up," she said, sitting down on her rump. "The real Nope would never have agreed so easily. Guess I'll have to bother Cadance with this, after all."

The changeling slumped down and dispelled its disguise. "I only wanted to help..."

Twilight nodded. "That was your first mistake, yes. Admirable, but, quite out of character."

"Can I, um... ask asylum?"

Twilight rubbed her forehead with a hoof. "Sure, why not."

Changeling The Fifth: Escape from the Hive

They knew. They had to know, by now. She was the fifth one to do this. The Queen had to have her suspicions, by now. But, still, Nope had assured her that, if she acted fast enough, she might still get away with it.

She felt the eyes of the other changelings on her as she walked out. Some eyed her with suspicion. Other with pity. All of them were sure they'd never see her again, but some already suspected that foul play was involved. That the fate of the disappeared changelings wasn't quite as grim as others suspected.

She was all too aware that she'd been chosen because she was expendable. Practically useless. Barely worth keeping alive. It was a stroke of luck that she had been able to talk to Nope when copying her form, and had learned the truth about the disappearances.

But, the others had to have noticed the change in her. The change after that fateful talk, from fatalistic sacrifice, to hopeful volunteer. She didn't dare look back at the faces that stared at her. She just kept walking. She'd be out soon. Out in the open, away from the Hive, taking the place of Noble Pinions, and ready to be swept away by destiny.

Finally, she reached the exit. She spread her wings, and took off.

She didn't care what that destiny would be.

She would be glorious.

Nope Interlude: Coxa's Bad Mane Death [Language warning]

Author's Note

STRONG LANGUAGE WARNING:

This was originally posted as blog, and in my blogs I have less regard for keeping things within the story's rating. So be warned; Gregg is a foul-mouthed little fellow, and the language used in this little interlude may be a tad beyond the general rating of this story.

Nope Interlude: Coxa's Bad Mane Death [Language warning]

So, in the previous chapter, the part about Coxa was a rather obvious parody of the opening of the Nintendo 64 game "Conker's Bad Fur Day". However, squirrels are treated a bit differently by Death, in that world.

As Friendly Lurker asked:

So, if cats have nine lives, and squirrels have as many lives as they think they can get away with, what does Coxa the Changeling have?

Well...

"Coxa! Coxa! You're DEAD! Dead as a dodo. Deader than a..." The booming voice stopped in confusion, and a small robed bipedal skeleton walked out of the shadow, discarding the megaphone on the way and scratching his skull. "Hang on, hang on," he continued in a squeaky voice, and summoned a piece of parchment into his hand. "Coxa? I thought this said 'Conker'. You're not on this list at all!" As the parchment disappeared in a puff of smoke, he looked up at the figure standing in the middle of the room. "What's going on here?"

"Heeeey..." Coxa said, a nervous grin on her face. "If I'm not on the list... I can just, like, go, right?" She tiptoed away from him.

A small but decidedly sharp looking scythe slammed into the ground in front of her.

"Oi! Not so fast!" the skeleton grumbled. "So, what are you, anyway?"

Coxa looked at her body. Huh. Even in this realm, her alicorn disguise remained intact. She gave the skeleton an awkward grin. "Oh, I'm... an immortal alicorn!" she said. "So I don't really, eh, die, as such. I just, pop in here and you let me right back out!"

The skeleton squinted at her. "Yea, I don't think so, smart arse! Spill it."

Coxa sighed and dispelled the disguise. "I'm a changeling."

"Okay... let's see now." In a puff of smoke, a book appeared in the little guy's skeletal hand, and he started leafing through it. "Chinchilla... no, that's too far. Ah! Changeling! Not native to this world, and thus... ugh. Bloody hell. And thus... special rules apply."

The little robed skeleton looked at her. "So, anyway. I'm Gregg. Gregg the Grim Reaper. And don't you laugh! Anyway! Changelings... right. So you kind of... are you kidding me?" He looked up and glared at Coxa, before looking back at his book. "A-hem! You kind of... shouldn't die at all, as long as you got enough... love. As you know, the bloody floating chocolate polluting this place, despite being so callously discarded, was apparently made with love, blah blah blah... oh."

Gregg pointed his scythe at a meat hook on a pillar behind Coxa. Stabbed onto the hook was a beating fleshy mass. "Right. Hearts. Pony hearts, apparently." Gregg shook his head. "That doesn't make any bloody sense at all. I mean, sure, with squirrels you had those tails, but, they're at least squirrel tails, so they serve as some kind of memento mori. But hearts? From a different species, no less? That's just bloody gruesome!" He briefly checked his book again. "Filled with love? Ugh. Whatever!"

He pointed a bony finger at the changeling. "Don't see this as an endorsement to go eviscerating any ponies you come across! It's purely these things you see hanging around on hooks, got it?"

Coxa looked at the beating heart impaled on the meat hook, and made a disgusted face. "Wow. That's just freaking nasty..."

"Yea, it doesn't even end there. At least with squirrels, I can pluck the bastards out of the world and put them back at a point before the start of whatever they were doing. Set them back before whatever killed them, you know? Grinds 'em down eventually. But changelings apparently just... knit themselves back together. On the spot. No harm done." He grumbled to himself. "This is bullshit. Even worse than cats..."

"So I just.. take this disgusting beating bloody heart and go on my way?" Coxa asked, visibly dreading even touching the thing.

Gregg shrugged. "Apparently. I hope you fall into a meat grinder or something; see how long it takes you then to keep regenerating before you run out of bloody lives." He squinted at some finer print in the book. "Ugh. Unless you... are magically transformed into a mammal, apparently. Like, a bat or something. Because mammal revival rules clearly state you always have to be set back on safe ground." He chuckled. "Yeah, what are the chances of that happening?"

Coxa smirked, and a green fire swept over her chitinous form. Out of the fire stepped a pony with bat wings.

"Oh come on!" Gregg protested. "That's cheating! That absolutely shouldn't-" He grumbled and read on in his book, only to look up and glare daggers at her. "Take your damn heart and get the hell out."

Coxa just smirked, and tilted her head. "Well?"

"It counts, okay!" the little guy yelled at her with an exasperated voice. "So next time you fall into a ravine, or get stuck underwater, or end up in a bloody meat grinder, sure, just go ahead! Pick whatever is most convenient for you! Bloody changelings..."

He turned around and walked into the shadows, mumbling to himself. "Even worse than cats and squirrels, this. Bloody cats, with their bloody nine bloody lives... they piss everywhere..."

Much later...

Coxa looked at the big brass bourgeois boiler stomping towards her. This was it... she ran out of chocolate love, and ran out of those icky love-filled pony hearts. This was truly the end, for her...

She frowned. Unless...

She transformed just before the hulking metal beast trampled her.

"Got you now, stupid black cretin!" Gregg smirked as he walked out of the shadows, towards the center of the little death realm. "Got nothing more up your sleeve this time, do you?"

He looked at the cat-transformed Coxa sitting in the spotlight.

"Oh, you bloody bastard!"

Nope 07: Nope and the Devourer of Destiny

It was a calm summer afternoon when Nope, Sunshine and Blue Pine got together for a picnic in the local park. As they started chatting, Blue Pine brought up a topic that had been bothering Nope for a while now.

"So... how come you don't have a cutie mark? I mean, you're like, fifteen now, right?"

Nope shifted around uncomfortably on the picnic blanket. Cutie marks were tied to a pony's destiny, so it had only seemed obvious that, given her lifestyle, she hadn't gotten one yet. But she was getting past the age where people expected one, and she was starting to stand out.

"I... guess I should really get on with that," she said, reluctantly. "But, honestly, at this point, I'm not sure what to do about it."

"You know," Sunshine said, "there are three ponies specialising in that in Ponyville."

Nope gave her a hesitant nod. "I heard. Twilight told me about them a couple of times. But I don't know if even those three would be able to untangle the mess I'm in."

"Cutie Mark Crusader Pinions?" Sunshine replied with a huge grin on her face.

"Heck nope," the other girl responded. "You know I could just jump into any of these portals and get it over with, right?"

Blue Pine shook his head. "Or you could figure out what you're actually good at?"

Nope blinked. Huh. The colt had a point. Then she remembered her Evil Mirror Counterpart and grumbled. "I don't want that as a cutie mark."

"Want what?" Blue Pine asked.

Nope groaned. "Look, I've seen a potential future me, who, um, made a bit of a mess—"

"But of course you have," Blue Pine said, shaking his head.

"—and I've seen her cutie mark. And I know what it means." She slumped down on the blanket. "And I don't want it."

"Is it something you're actually good at?" Sunshine asked.

"Given the fact I got a lifetime of experience with it, I'm guessing 'yes'?" Nope grumbled from her prone position.

Sunshine sighed softly. "It's portals, isn't it?"

"Give the mare a medal; she figured it out," Nope mumbled.

"So... you know what would actually get you there?" Blue Pine asked.

"The spell she taught me," Nope responded. "The, uh, future me. A spell to block all portals around me, passively, constantly, until I specifically dispell it. Her cutie mark didn't mean portal creation... it was portal control. She told me the technical specifics, but I've never actually managed to do it, and, well, then I realised that if I actually manage to do that spell, which I got from her, I'd probably get her cutie mark. It just seems like I'd be copying her special talent, rather than finding my own, you know?"

"And what if that's the mark you're supposed to get anyway?" Blue Pine asked.

Nope sat upright and grabbed herself another sandwich from the picnic basket. "Well, yea," she said between bites. "That's exactly my dilemma."

"That, and the fact you don't want it," Sunshine pointed out.

"She was an evil overlord! Of course I don't want it!" She looked at the happy smiling sun on her friend's flank. "I'm kind of jealous at that... everything just happened so naturally, for you."

"Uh. Yea," Sunshine said, looking at her own mark with some measure of bafflement. "I'm... honestly not sure how that even happened."

Nope raised an eyebrow. "Wait. You weren't expecting to get a mark?"

Sunshine shrank down a bit at her friend's baffled stare. "...not really?"

"Are you a changeling or something?"

Sunshine gave a quick fearful glance at her boyfriend, and then looked down. "Or something," she mumbled.

"Wait... you're not a real pony?" Blue Pine asked, visible confused.

"Oh, I'm real, all right. Kind of didn't expect to be, but, the cutie mark proves it," Sunshine said. "I just wasn't always a pony." She turned to Nope, and sighed. "When you were six, you had never heard of me. When you were seven, I'd been your best friend your entire life. Of course, you never noticed that."

Nope blinked. It was a statement that was hard to disprove, of course.

"You've always had this mess following you around," Sunshine continued. "But, think about it. Before you were seven, it was a lot worse. You literally couldn't trip over a toy in your own house without falling into some portal. You had singing creatures, magical mirrors, nomes, fraggles, and breezies showing up pretty much all the time! And what do you have now?"

Nope nodded. "I don't remember that much from when I was that little, but... I guess it got less bad? Nowadays it's mostly just the occasional portal."

"Exactly. There you were, overflowing barrel of Destiny... and there I was, something not quite existing, on the edge of potential and reality. And you were lonely."

Nope stared at her friend in shock. "Are you saying I created you?"

Sunshine shook her head. "No, no. I remember existing before that, but, not quite all there. Just, lying in wait, looking for something to feed on. And then I found you, actively pushing away the stuff I needed to exist—potential existence itself. So, then I was here."

"So... less of a parasite, more of a scavenger?" Nope asked.

Sunshine giggled. "Dear, I couldn't take destiny from you if I tried. It's like trying to drink from a hose."

Nope got up and paced around the grass. "This is a lot to take in, you know. You've just... always been there."

Blue Pine shook his mane in a dismissive gesture. "Imagine how I feel." He turned to Sunshine. "What about your parents, though? I've met them!"

"They... seem to fade in and out of existence as needed," Sunshine said, sounding somewhat uncertain herself. "They're more like, illusions, and not destiny-eaters like me. I dunno. I never actively created them. They're just... part of being a normal pony, so they appeared alongside me. I haven't seen them much since I got my cutie mark; I expect they'll vanish completely as I get older." She stared at the ground. "I'm sorry."

Blue Pine hugged her. "Hey... it's a lot to take in. But I imagine it can't have been that easy for you, either."

Sunshine tilted her head. "Well. Yes, and no. I'm kind of immune to all the weirdness surrounding Nope... so it's certainly a lot harder for her than for me."

Nope squinted at her. "Stop that, Sunny," she said. "I know you." She glanced around uncertainly. "Well. Not as well as I thought, I guess, but, still. I know this bothers you."

"Well, why do you think I told you?" Sunshine said, sagging into her boyfriend's embrace. "I've been trying to bring this up for years. I just never... found a good time." She looked up at Blue Pine. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

Blue Pine smiled. "Hey. You are my special somepony," he said. "I just didn't realise quite how special."

Sunshine looked down morosely. "Yea, except I'm special in the sense of «Come gather around this cage, mares and gentlecolts, and witness the Mare Who Was Never Born!»"

Blue Pine planted a kiss on the top of her head. "You look mighty fine for someone who was never born."

He looked up at Nope. "Anyway, huge revelations aside, you kind of derailed the topic."

Sunshine blinked, and the two of then suddenly looked back at Nope, and her conspicuously blank flank.

Nope glared at him. "Oh, come on!"

"Way I see it," Blue Pine said, "You're not afraid of getting a cutie mark in portal control. I mean, you hate not being in control of your life."

"So what are you saying?" Nope grumbled.

"I'm saying you do want a cutie mark in portal control," he continued. "You just don't want the cutie mark of the version of you who made such a collossal mess of her life."

"Okay, so how does that help me?"

"That's easy," Blue Pine responded. "You already cheated. I'm betting it took her years of research to develop that spell, after she messed up so badly." He smirked. "You can have it before you mess up."

Nope stared at him. "What?!"

"Think about it. She never wanted that mess, did she? That's why she taught you that spell. She gave you an easy way out. Using that spell won't make you become like her; it'll prevent it."

"Agh!" Nope shouted, making some other ponies in the park give her worried looks. "I can't believe I didn't..."

She scanned around the park, daring the world to give her a portal. And, sure enough, a tiny purple swirl opened up in front of her. Through the haze she could see a breezie making its way towards her.

"Very well," she said, glaring at the portal while her horn started lighting up. "Let's end this, then. Let's take full control of my life."

The breezie, who was of the rather Godmotherly-looking kind, looked at her with an expression of dread on her tiny face. "Uh... is this a bad time?" she asked in a squeaky voice.

"Oh, look," Nope said, a mean grin appearing on her face. "Somebody finally asks!"

The breezie rushed back towards the portal. "I-can-see-you're-in-the-middle-of-something-I-can-come-back-later!"

Nope took a deep breath, and her horn blasted out some sort of ripple around her, erasing the portal from existence mere moments after the little creature had managed to get back through.

She sighed, and gave a satisfied smile in the direction where the portal vanished. "No," she said, matter-of-factly, "you can't."

She blinked, and noticed Sunshine and Blue Pine staring at her. She opened her mouth to talk, and suddenly realised they weren't looking at her face.

Her eyes widened, and she looked at her flank.

She had a cutie mark.

And it was not the green swirling portal that had adorned the sides of her 'evil' mirror self.

She looked back at Sunshine. "This is..."

"Not what you expected?" Sunshine asked, grinning.

Nope turned back to examine the wisp of blue smoke on her flank. To anyone else, it would just be a generic magic-looking thing, but she recognised the specific aftereffect of the disappearance of a class five, gravitic, one-way, void monster populated portal.

She smiled at Sunshine. "...nice. This is nice."

Suddenly she felt really dizzy, and swayed on her feet.

Sunshine quickly got up and supported her. "Dispell it, Nope! It's still active!"

Nope squeezed her eyes shut. "Aw, heck." A small spark from her horn once again sent a ripple through the area around her. She sagged to the ground. "I forgot about that part."

Sunshine lightly patted her on the head. "She had to work hard on that spell, filly," she said. "Casting it is one thing, but, keeping it up indefinitely? I don't think you're quite there yet."

Nope nodded. "At least I should be able to dispell any portal now." She nodded at her flank. "I mean, that one is one of the worst."

Sunshine gave the cutie mark a thoughtful look. "Ohh," she said. "Now I know where I've seen that before."

"Oh?" Nope asked. Suddenly she realised, and facehoofed. "Oh. It's..."

"...what it looked like after you were dragged into the portal where you met your older mirror self."

Nope nodded. "I guess that's fitting."

"Well, congratulations," Blue Pine voiced in. He exchanged a glance with Sunshine. "Hey, you know what this calls for?"

Nope got up just a little too fast to protest, lost her balance, and faceplanted before Sunshine had a chance to grab her. "Heck nope!" her muffled protest came from somewhere inside the tall grass.

"Heck yep!" Sunshine said as she helped her out of her awkward position. "A party!"

Nope 08: Nope and the Final Encounter

"Can you do it?" Nope asked.

Sunset Shimmer, owner of her own travelling interdimensional bar, leaned her chin on her hand. "Finding someone like that... that's not easy. I'll have to contact some friends from the outside."

"I'll make it up to you," Nope said, solemnly.

Sunset chuckled. "Don't bother, kiddo. Your dad already said he's renting the whole place for the party. In fact, he insisted. So, consider it part of the service."

Nope sighed. "Thanks. Just, uh... make sure those friends don't scare anyone. Considering how it happened in the first place..."

"I know, I know. I'll make sure they're discreet."

Nope smiled. "Thanks."

"So," Sunset said, "who else will be there? Did Celestia find out?"

Nope nodded. "She visited me. You know we can't keep anything from her. She probably heard it from Cadance or Twilight. Add both her and Luna." She grinned. "The look on her face when I told her the location, though? Absolutely priceless!" She floated a photo out of her saddlebags. "And I came prepared for it."

Sunset laughed as she looked at the picture, caught exactly at the moment Nope had informed Celestia that her Cute-Ceañera would take place in an interdimensional bar ran by an alternate version of Celestia's own long-lost student. The only thing missing was some sort of beverage, and it would've been a picture perfect spit-take. Sunset gave Nope a mock-disapproving look.

"Hey, it's not often I manage to make Celestia utterly speechless," Nope said with a smug smile. "This was so worth it."

"Right, right." Sunset grabbed a piece of paper from behind the bar and added Celestia and Luna's names to the end of the list. "So, that's you, your dad, your friend and her boyfriend, Flurry and her parents, Twilight, and now the celestial duo. Anyone else?"

"There are three more people I'd like to officially invite," Nope said. She looked at Sunset and smiled. "One Lena Sabrewing, one Danielle Fenton, and one Sunset Shimmer."

Sunset gave her a warm smile. "I'm just the bartender, though."

Nope smirked. "No, you're not."

"Well, all right. What about your, eh, extra one?"

Nope shook her head. "I'm not sure that's a good idea. I'll just hop out."

"Very well. I'll see what I can do."

"Oh, there is one other person I'd like to have here," Nope said. "Can you deliver a letter to her first, though? She'll need some warning."

Sunset's Isekai was crowded.

In fact, it was exactly crowded enough to have a nice filled atmosphere, but not crowded enough to be too crowded.

Nope was fairly sure the place had sized itself exactly to create this effect.

At the bar, her father was chatting with Sunset. Somehow, whenever those two met, the subject always seemed to shift to supernatural pest control, and they got along really well from there.

Celestia was sitting a bit farther away, sipping her drink and looking at Sunset with a mix of bafflement and uncertainty on her face, content to order and sip her drink, but not quite ready to really talk to her. Nope felt a bit bad for Sunset; she had to have gone through that particular conversation quite a few times, now.

"Hey, Nope!" Sunshine shouted from the table where she and Blue Pine had been chatting with Lena and Dani. "You're not gonna believe this!"

"She's a shadow brought to life?" Nope said as she walked over.

"She's a sh— Aw. You already knew?"

"I invited her, Sunshine," Nope said. She nodded at Lena and Dani. "Hey, girls."

"So, what does this whole thing mean?" Lena asked. "The cutie... stuff. Sunshine seemed to think it was some life-changing experience, but I don't really get it."

"I guess it was, to her," Nope said. "Equestria's magic helps ponies find their place in life. For it to happen to someone who just popped into existence from leaked away destiny-potential, well, in a way, getting her cutie mark affirmed to Sunshine that she was a real person."

Lena frowned and nodded. She was all too familiar with doubts about her own existence and right to exist. She cocked her head. "And for you?"

Nope sat down at the table. "It's a bit of a mixed bag, for me. I've been chased by destiny my whole life. I've been avoiding this. Mostly, I'm relieved that I got it from a choice I made myself, not from getting swept up in some adventure I never asked for."

"So," Dani said, "we got a half-ghost clone, a living shadow, a destiny eater, a refugee from destiny..." She nodded at Blue Pine. "And then you. What's your deal?"

Blue Pine smirked. "Isn't it obvious? I'm the Token Normal Person."

Nope nodded. "He really is. Has parents and everything! Even an older brother! Completely, absolutely normal." He looked at Sunshine. "And he's Sunshine's boyfriend, of course."

"Why are you all just talking here?" a voice came from behind Nope. She turned around and saw Flurry Heart walking over. "Sunset made cake! Come on! Eating cake alone is no fun!"

"Have you met Flurry Heart?" Nope asked the group. "If you were wondering," she said to Dani, "she's the absolutely overpowered magical kid princess."

"Hi!" the twelve-year old pink alicorn said, waving a hoof. From behind her, a swarm of plates with cake floated towards the table, and landed neatly in front of all the people sitting there.

"Yea. Okay," Dani said. "I can see that."

"You're getting good at that, Flurry!" Nope said, petting the kid alicorn on the head. "Six plates, and not a single one blew up!"

"Actually, I took eight, just to be sure." Flurry nudged her head towards two blackened puddles on the ground behind her and grinned. "Still getting better! They didn't blow up! Just kind of, uh, melted."

"Maaaybe if you only took six you wouldn't have lost control, though," Nope pointed out.

"Meh," was Flurry's only reply. She was as carefree as ever. She floated a chair towards the table and sat next to Dani. "Hi! I'm Flurry Heart! What's your name?"

Nope spotted Luna at the other side of the room, looking pensively at the many photos hanging on Sunset's wall. "I'll be back," she said, grabbing her plate in her magic and floating it along with her. "Just need to say hi to everyone first."

"Hello, Princess Luna," Nope said.

Luna looked at Nope. "Ah, Pinions," she said. "I must... congratulate you. You have done quite well for yourself, it seems. And this is quite an interesting place you've found."

"Oh, I didn't find this place," Nope said. "As always, these kinds of places find me. And this is one of the least interesting ones I've come across. That's why I like it so much." She turned to the bar. "No offense, Sunset!" she shouted.

"Don't agree, but none taken!" Sunset shouted back.

"To be honest, I feel a bit... superfluous here," Luna said. "You proved us wrong; you managed to control your own destiny. It just feels like I'm here only to get that rubbed in my face."

"Well, you have Celestia to thank for kindly asking me not to forget to send an invitation to the rulers of the nation," Nope said dryly. "Though you can take some small comfort in the knowledge that your dear sister got a little more than she bargained for."

The pair glanced at Princess Celestia, who was still sitting at the bar, quite uncertain what to say to this alternate Sunset Shimmer.

"Did you foresee this?"

Nope smirked. "Somewhat. She'll never underestimate me again, that's for sure. One of the perks of being a destiny magnet is that you build up an interesting group of acquaintances."

She heard the tavern's door open behind her, and turned towards it. "Speaking of which..."

The adult Pinions slammed the door shut behind her and leaned against it, panting. Her hair, despite still being as wavey as Celestia's, was singed in several places, some glowing embers interweaving through the flowing pattern. Her flank was adorned with a green swirling portal cutie mark, quite different from Nope's own newly acquired one.

She looked at the room with an elated look on her face.

"Hahaaa! I did it!" she shouted.

"Welcome to Sunset's Isekai!" Sunset said from behind the bar. The appearance of the somewhat-bedraggled figure had silenced the entire room, so she didn't even have to raise her voice. "Have some cake!"

Pinions looked at Luna and Celestia, and her eyes widened. "Oh, wow." She turned to Nope. "I'm glad you got me that letter."

"So, what did you do?" Nope asked.

"I set them free!" Pinions said. "I no longer have to care about any of it! They can take their celestial bodies and shove them where they haven't shone before!" She laughed, relief washing over her. "And they never even noticed it was me who freed them!"

"Wouldn't it be better if they did know?" Nope asked.

"Oh, they'll figure it out," Pinions said, grinning. She stood upright, and studied the younger version of herself standing in front of her. Her manic grin mellowed to a soft smile as she saw Nope's cutie mark. "So, it worked, then?"

"So far," Nope said. "Though I have Blue Pine to thank for making me realise what you planned."

"I don't imagine you can sustain it yet, though."

Nope nodded. "I'll get there. For now, dispelling is enough." She watched as the last embers in Pinion's mane faded into wisps of smoke. "So... what will you do now?"

Sunset walked towards them. "She looks like she could use a drink. Don't you think so, Nope?"

Nope nodded. "Good point." She turned to her older self. "So, what do you want?"

"Sweet Apple Acres' Applejack," Pinions said resolutely. "They shut down their production after I dealt with the Elements of Harmony, you see." She shook her head. "Such a stubborn bunch, the whole Apple family." She glanced at the door. "I just hope they'll be okay."

Sunset nodded. "Yes, that would be quite a loss for your world." She poured the drink out and put it in front of the mare.

"Who is this?" Celestia asked Nope, quite hesitantly. She had caught some snippets of the conversation, but was probably still hoping she misheard it.

"Princess Celestia," Nope said, "meet Noble Pinions, a version of me who got pushed around one too many times, and pushed back." She couldn't help but grin. "All the way back."

Celestia swallowed.

"If it's any consolation," Pinions said to Celestia, "I know what a thankless mess it is to rule Equestria, now."

Celestia sighed. "It is, isn't it?" She glanced at Twilight Sparkle, who was playing with her niece and Dani, and smiled. "Well. I got some plans that might get Luna and me some free time, too. Just a couple more years..."

She looked at Nope. "Uh, but, please keep that quiet for now. You know she'd just panic if she realised."

Nope nodded, and looked at Sunset. "Did you manage to find the other person?"

Sunset gave her a short nod. "I did. Though I'm fairly sure you could just have asked Celestia."

"Asked me what?" Celestia asked.

Nope shook her head resolutely. "It wouldn't work, that way. I can't know the destination. It wouldn't be fair."

She turned to her older self. "Pinions?" she asked her older self. "Do you think you could cast your spell on me, now?"

Pinions nodded. "If you don't do it yourself it's got limited time, though."

"If I do it myself I collapse in about ten minutes. How much can you manage?"

"In my current state? I'm pretty exhausted, but I can give you about an hour."

Nope gave her a grateful look. ''That will be plenty." She glanced at Sunset. "Will that interfere with the door?"

Sunset shook her head. "In here, no. But you may need to dispell it before I can pick you up again."

Nope nodded. Her older alternate self lit up her horn, and touched it against Nope's horn. A ripple radiated out from it, distorting the air like a pebble falling into water.

"Good luck," Pinions said to her.

"Thanks," Nope replied. She turned to Sunset Shimmer. "Let's go."

Sunset nodded, and together, they walked towards the door. When Sunset pulled it open, it came out into a small garden that Nope had never seen in her life.

"You have your card on you, right?" Sunset asked.

Nope floated out the business card of Sunset's Isekai that allowed her to summon a door to the place, and gave Sunset a short nod.

"Then... good luck."

Nope walked through the door, and looked back one more time, exchanging a glance with her father, who was sitting at the bar. He gave her an encouraging nod.

Nope closed the door behind her. It vanished immediately.

Nope looked around in the small garden. Even though she had planned this out, she had no idea what to do now she was actually here.

Suddenly, the door of the adjoining house opened, and a pale blue earth pony colt, who looked like he was about six years old, ran out towards her. He stopped in his tracks as he saw her standing there. "Mom?" he shouted back towards the open doorway. "There's somepony here!"

"What?" a voice from Nope's distant past replied. "In the garden?"

"Well she's got wings," the kid said, sounding like he figured it all out. He looked up at Nope face. "Um. And a horn?"

Something clanged on the floor inside the house.

A bit later, a mare hesitantly peeked through the doorway.

Nope looked at her. "Hello, Mom."

The mare sighed. "Hello, Nope." She shook her head. "Come in, I suppose. Ignore the mess."

As they walked inside the small house, the kid looked at Nope with a puzzled look on his face. "Mom, you said other people don't call you mom."

Nope's mom nodded. "This one does, Sea Breeze. This one does." She turned to Nope, and gestured to the old sofa in the small living room. "Take a seat."

Nope looked around hesitantly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. I know you wanted to get away from all this. I just wanted you to know... I'm in control, now." She gestured at her cutie mark.

Her mom nodded. "That's good to hear. Look... I'm s—"

"Don't," Nope said. "Let's just not go there. I didn't come to ask you that, and I don't expect you to justify your actions. It was a mess, more than any pony could be expected to deal with, and I'm fairly sure you don't regret leaving."

"I'm still sorry I didn't see you grow up, though," her mom said.

"It was just more of the same," Nope said. "Portals, creatures, magic, meddling princesses, foreign princes, alien abductions. You didn't miss much except the stuff you were trying to get away from."

The older mare smiled. "That's not quite true. You're still my daughter, you know. And I did miss you." She sighed. "You were never the part I was trying to get away from."

Nope smiled. "That's nice to hear." She glanced back at the garden, and took a deep breath. She had planned this out, and wanted to stick to her script. "Look... the way I came here... made sure I don't actually know where this is. I don't know where you live, and if you don't want me around, I can perfectly understand that, and I can leave the same way and be none the wiser. If you decide that's for the best, I won't look you up."

Her mom shook her head and frowned. "You actually came here through one of these blasted portals."

"Sort of, but, not exactly. Right now, I have a spell running that prevents any portals from being created around me for the next hour or so. I didn't want to inconvenience you."

Her mom gave her a pensive look, and studied her cutie mark for a bit. "You're really serious, aren't you? You're really in control."

"Well," Nope said, reluctantly, "the spell was cast by a friend. I can't quite keep it going myself yet. But I'm getting there." She gave her mother a determined look. "I'm not going to let this rule my life anymore."

"Then, you're welcome to visit any time," her mother said. "Though, next time, dear, do take the front door."

Nope smiled, and let go of a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding. "I will."

"Sea Breeze?" the older mare called out. "I want you to meet your half-sister."

Nope closed the door behind her, and looked around in the tavern.

The room immediatley quieted down, and all eyes were aimed at her, but no one said a word. Then, her dad spoke up.

"So. She doing well?" he asked.

Nope nodded. "Remarried. Got a kid. A plain normal earth pony colt. I didn't meet the father; he was out to work."

"You two get along okay?" he asked, voicing the question that everyone in the room had wondered about ever since Sunset had told them where Nope had gone.

Nope smiled. "Well enough, " she said, finally breaking the tension that hung in the room. "I'll visit her again."

The cozy murmur of the party resumed as people went back to whatever they had been discussing or doing before Nope's return. Somehow, Celestia and the older Pinions had found common ground in complaining about orbital mechanics, and, for some reason, Discord. Luna was watching over Flurry Heart, who was taking turns with Dani in showing off their respective powers. Twilight Sparkle was in an animated discussion about magic with Lena. Shining Armor, Cadance and Sunshine were talking about the things that lurk inside portals.

Nope walked towards her father at the bar, hugged him, and sat down beside him.

He gave her a short nod. "Congratulations, Noble Pinions, on getting your cutie mark." He looked around. "And the party isn't half-bad either."

Nope took a bite from Sunset's delicious cake. "Yes... this went a lot better than expected." She smiled at her dad. "I wonder if I'll ever miss it. The random craziness, I mean."

"Come now, Nope," her father said. "Look around you. There's a reason you didn't actually invite your mother in here. Plenty of random craziness left, if you ever want some."

Nope snickered, and looked at her evil mirror self toasting together with Celestia ("To solar systems that run themselves!"), Flurry Heart playing peek-a-boo with a ghost ("Extra stress on the boo!"), the duck-girl disagreeing with Twilight on the influence of friendship on magic ("No, friendship hates magic!"), the mare who was never born laughing together with the rulers of the Crystal Empire ("A post card with my own writing, in Zebrican!"), and the human-shaped unicorn behind the bar calmly washing glasses.

She smiled. "Just the right amount, I'd say. Just the right amount."

[THE END]

Omake:

"Sea Breeze?" the older mare called out. "I want you to meet your half-sister."

"Half-sister?" the colt said, looking at Nope in astonishement. "But she's huge! She's gotta be a double sister, at least!"

"So, what will you do now?" Nope asked the older Pinions, who was ready to leave.

"This place can drop me off anywhere I want, right?" Pinions asked Sunset.

"I'm sticking to normal rules here, so you'll come out at the exact same time," Sunset answered. "But I'm guessing you'd prefer to come out in a safer spot, so if you want, I can drop you off somewhere else in your world."

"Good... good!" Pinions said, ominously. "Everything that has transpired has done so according to my plans." She grinned at the doorway. "To Zebrica!"

Author's Note

So, this is really it. The end. Loose ends tied up, and a young mare finally free to start making her own decisions in life.

This chapter was a bit more serious than all the rest, but I thought this party was a nice way to wrap it all up.

I hope you enjoyed the ride.

For those who are a bit confused by this interdimensional tavern thing, it popped up in a blog before, which led to a crossover. I wrote a timeline of Nope's life which also details the interactions between Nope and Sunset.

Nope's Little Errands: A Hellish Affair

Author's Note

Originally posted as blog about two years ago, but yea, it should've just been put here right away. Live and learn, I guess :facehoof:

Sorry to all the folks who already saw it as blog.

Nope's Little Errands: A Hellish Affair

Just toying with some ideas. For some reason, I love the idea of Nope running errands for Sunset's Isekai when she grows up.

"You clearly don't know who you're dealing with."

The large demon gave her a big grin. "Is that so, princess?"

The young female alicorn rolled her eyes. "You definitely don't know who you're dealing with. I'm not a princess."

The demon blinked. "But—"

"Nope," the alicorn replied. "Not doing this." She looked around. "Yea, this place is a craphole. Congratulations on making it that way. Personally, I'd have gone for a bit more green and a bit less hell-fire; I'm guessing you'll be dealing with famine and collapse of economy in about a year or two." She looked back up to the demon. "But I hear you brew some magnificent helldraught."

"Helldraught?" the demon asked, sounding somewhat offended. "You came here to confront me over helldraught?"

"Well, what did you expect?" she asked with a bored look on her face. "Battle with a glorious hero bent on overthrowing you?"

"Well," the demon said, "yes." He looked around, quite unsure. "That's how it usually goes, you know."

Nope rolled her eyes. "You have no idea how to manage a country, do you?"

The demon slumped down. "It's just so... big! I thought I could just roar around, and they'd do what I'd say, but... well, it's so huge that it was just too much to manage on my own, but then it turned out most of my minions aren't all that great at managing, either, and..." He gave Nope a desperate look. "I thought it was finally over!"

"Sorry, I'm not in the heroing business," Nope said. "In fact, I came pretty close to being stuck where you are." She shook her head. "I'm just running an errand for a friend of mine, and she had good things to say about your brewing skills."

The demon sat down and leaned his head on his knees. "I wish I could just go back to brewing," he said. "I miss those simple days."

"So, just... leave, then?"

The demon shook his head. "You know, I actually tried that. It didn't work. My minions have a nasty habit of tracking me down, and the townsfolk all fear me so much they just assume I'm their ruler anyway! And not a legendary hero anywhere in sight..."

Nope sighed. "Look... I normally don't do this, because, destiny has a nasty habit of suckering me into these kinds of things, but... I can give a bit of a light show, and let you slump off 'defeated' afterwards. You think that would do the trick?"

The demon's eyes widened. "Oh, would you really?"

Nope shrugged with her wings. "Sure. Some thunder and strange colours in the sky to attract the attention, then a fight with lightning-cast silhouettes on the highest tower. You know. Real dramatic stuff where no one can be sure what's really going on. That should sell it. You just have to draw a crowd, you know?"

"Huh," the demon said. "That could work."

"And in return, you give me some of your magnificent brew. How does that sound?"

"Oh, not bad! But, won't you be stuck here, then?"

Nope smiled. "The folks love stories with a mysterious hero who vanishes into the night."

Nope stepped into Sunset's Isekai, a large earthen jug suspended in her magic field floating behind her. She sighed.

"That was a huge bother," she said. "Why is it that every time you ask me to get you something, it devolves into some kind of heroing situation?"

"I'm sorry," Sunset said. "But, an actual hero might have just killed him. How's the old lug doing?"

Nope put the large jug on the ground. "He qualifies for getting a free drink and a photo here, but otherwise, he's fine. Said he'll look into starting a local brewery after things calmed down a bit."

"I'm glad," Sunset said. "He's not a bad sort, just... easily carried away."

"So, this stuff..." Nope nodded at the jug. "Is it something I can drink?"

Sunset's face lit up. "Oh, definitely!" she said. She floated the jug onto the counter and grabbed two glasses. "You'll love this stuff, trust me!"

Nope 04: Nope and the Evil Mirror Self

Nope and Sunshine were walking home after school when it happened. Nope felt the magical disturbance behind her and groaned softly. In a well-practiced movement she pushed Sunshine out of the way and started up her portal stabilizing spell.

"Portal," she mumbled.

"Again?" Sunshine asked. "That's the fourth this week."

"I wish," Nope said. "It's just the fourth you— Woah!" She grabbed a nearby lantern post as the portal opened. It was far bigger than she had anticipated, and it was pulling her in with unexpected force.

"The portal sucks?!" Sunshine yelled in surprise as she braced herself against the pull.

"They all do!" Nope managed to yell back before she disappeared into it.

The portal disappeared with a soft "blip", leaving Sunshine alone on the sidewalk.

She got up and dusted off her coat. "There goes our Friday afternoon ice cream meet," she said, shaking her head softly.

Nope willed her eyes open as she rushed through the chaotic maelstrom and looked at the swirling blue patterns. Just great. As the sucking had already made her suspect, it was most definitely a one-way portal. There was no point in trying to stabilize these; she couldn't go back through anyway. "Well," she said to a passing purple-headed monster with a top hat, "no point in fighting it, I guess."

"Much appreciated," the monster said. "I'd be late for work if you did." He tipped his hat with a green tentacle ending in a crab claw, and disappeared into the swirling walls.

"At least this one has polite void monsters," Nope mused, before the portal forcefully ejected her at her destination.

"It really is her!" an excited female voice said.

Nope suppressed a sigh and looked around. She appeared to be in some kind of cave, though it looked well lived in. Cots were set in neat rows in the middle, and crates and racks full of weapons lined the walls. She finally looked at the ponies in the room, who were all looking at her with a mix of hope, dread and confusion. Strangely, they all looked a bit like her classmates, only quite a bit older.

"Could you please send me back?" she asked. "I have school tomorrow." That was a blatant lie, of course, but she figured it sounded more urgent and serious than "I'm missing Friday afternoon ice cream."

"She's kind of small, isn't she?" a green unicorn stallion said. "How old are you, filly?"

"Wait, are you Starburst?" she asked. She looked around and strained her memory, trying to recollect their names. "And... Whisper, Flying Colors, and is that Miss Raincloud back there?"

The mare looked up. "Um, that's missus, actually."

Nope nodded. "So, did you pull me from the past, or an alternate universe?"

Whisper, a yellow unicorn mare, stepped forward. "It should be alternate universe. I have no idea how the time difference happened. Let's hope it's not some kind of dilation, or universes with unsynchronized time flows. That would make it problematic to send you back. Um. You're Noble Pinions, right?"

"That's what's on my birth certificate," Nope reluctantly admitted.

"Whisper, why is she younger?" Starburst asked. "We can't use a pint-sized Pinions!"

"How's your brother?" Nope asked him.

Starburst frowned. "Brother? I'm an only child."

"No alien duplicate?"

The stallion gave her a confused look. "What?"

Nope nodded and smiled at Whisper. "Definitely alternate universe."

Whisper let out a relieved sigh. "Oh thank goodness! Time travel is such a mess."

"Yeah, no kidding," Nope said. "So, um, what's going on here? Why do you need me? Please don't tell me you need a replacement-me because I went missing or something. I already did that last summer, and, lemme tell you, it sucked."

To her credit, Whisper didn't give her the expected "What?" response. The mare just shook her head and gave her a sad look. "If only. If our Pinions went missing, it'd be a blessing."

Nope raised an eyebrow, a giddy feeling bubbling up inside her despite herself. "Wait, wait. I'm a menace in this one?" She looked around the cave again. "A band of rebels... I'm an evil overlord?" She couldn't help grinning.

Several of the ponies surrounding her involuntarily stepped back.

"Are you sure this one's not evil?" Starburst asked Whisper.

"And to counter that," Nope continued, suppressing her laughter, "you summoned an alternate her here in the hopes it came from the Universe of Hackneyed Stereotypical Opposites, giving you a Brave Defender of Justice?"

Whisper shuffled around uncomfortably. "Well, if you put it that way, I guess—"

"And now," Nope added incredulously, "you expect a filly to clean up your mess!" She suddenly frowned. Imagining herself as Evil Overlord had been pretty funny, yes, but this? There wasn't really anything funny about it. She gave Whisper a grumpy look. "So, what were you planning anyway? Just letting me lead your attacks and storm the castle?"

"I'm just the summoner here!" Whisper said. "Don't ask me that stuff! I don't do strategy; that's Starburst's thing!"

The stallion in question now also shuffled around uncomfortably. "Um," he replied, "Yeah? Pretty much?"

Nope sighed. "Where's the castle? She does have a castle, right?"

Starburst's face lightened up. "Oh yes! There's a castle!" he said, nodding enthusiastically. "So, you're doing it?"

"Nope."

"But—"

"Look, I'm a pint-sized her, okay? Pint-Pinions. There's no way I can defeat her! I'm just going to talk to her."

Starburst gaped at her. "Talk?! You can't just 'talk' to an evil overlord! She'd just throw you in the dungeons right away, or banish you to some celestial body in outer space, like she did with the princesses!"

Nope shook her mane. "Eh. We'll see."

Nope was somewhat disappointed. The castle in question wasn't black, didn't radiate malice, and didn't have any ominous-looking birds flying around high peaking towers. In fact, there was not a single thin gravity-defying platform or turret of the kind that were so abundant on the Canterlot one. Instead, it looked like a very defensible, sturdy castle, and it had a wide moat dug around it. She looked around thoughtfully as she walked closer. Yes, this would probably be the kind of castle she'd build if she were an evil overlord.

"Halt! Who goez dere?"

Nope walked up to the castle guards at the drawbridge, nodding approvingly. Diamond dogs. Sensible choice, she figured. Much easier to suppress a pony population with than fellow ponies, impossible to impersonate, and probably wonderfully loyal.

"Look," Nope replied, "this is embarrassing enough as it is, okay? I just botched a time travel spell, and ended up way out of the castle, in a body half my normal age. Can I just get back to my room so I can get this fixed?"

One of the diamond dog blinked, walked up to her and sniffed her. Thankfully, it seemed that becoming an evil overlord hadn't affected the way she smelled. The dog nodded pensively, and gave her a slightly concerned look. "Huh. Hokay, boss. I, um, suppose ve better keep dis qviet, den?"

Wow. Loyal and concerned! She was getting impressed at her Evil Self's personnel management skills. "Thank you," she said politely, while waiting for the drawbridge to lower.

So far, so good, she thought as she walked into the actual castle. She had honestly expected to get more trouble at the gates; getting identified by smell was definitely a stroke of luck. She walked aimlessly around the castle until she found a map hanging on the wall. It had a helpful red dot saying "YOU ARE HERE".

"Well, that's convenient," Nope said. She couldn't help noticing that the corridors looked nothing like the map, though. At the bottom of the map was a friendly green button with the inscription "If you are lost, press the button to ask for instructions!"

Nope looked at the faint outline of a trapdoor under her feet, and made a mental note to stay the heck away from any convenient air ducts in this place. Frankly, it was rather unsettling how much respect she was getting for her Evil Overlord Self.

She wisely decided to keep looking on her own.

There was no throne room.

Oh, there was a large set of golden double doors, yes. And a convenient lever to open it, placed behind a single rather scrawny looking guard. The gigantic trap door in front of it, which looked like it could swallow up a small army, was pretty much impossible to spot, its outline almost invisible between the large floor tiles. Only the thin lines bisecting some of the tiles that formed a diagonal decoration pattern gave a slight hint that something was amiss. Nope gave the diamond dog a polite nod and looked on.

Her alternate self was a sensible Evil Overlord; she'd have her personal quarters tucked away in an unnoticeable corner, close to many guards but not noticeably guarded. She decided to check out the area around the barracks, and it wasn't long until she found it.

Given the fact the entire castle was apparently a death trap for hapless invading rebels, it shouldn't have come as a surprise to her that the guards here were a lot sharper, too.

"Whoo'z hyu den?" a large black diamond dog asked, circling around her.

"You know who I am," Nope said. "Can I go in, please?"

"Hyoo schmell like boss lady, but hyu eesunt boss lady. She'z in dere."

"Good. I want to talk to her." The dog grinned and looked like he was about to make some cruel remark, but Nope cut him off. "Look. I smell like her, I sound like her, and I look like her. Whether I'm an enemy or a friend really doesn't matter right now, y'know. Do you really think she won't want to know about me?"

The Dog frowned, grumbled something under his breath, and nodded.

"Hokay, tiny boss lady," he said, turning to the door. "Hyu tok to boss lady, den."

The guard gave a specific patterns of knocks on the door. After a few seconds, the door opened, seemingly by itself.

The Diamond Dog gave her a nod, and Nope walked in, closely followed by her minder. The inside looked more like an office than a throne room; in the center stood a wooden desk overflowing with papers, and all the walls were covered with shelves full of books, papers and scrolls.

Noble Pinions looked up from her paperwork and looked at her guest. For an Evil Overlord, Nope thought she looked fairly normal. Pretty much what she expected herself to look like in a decade or so. Her older self blinked and gave her a baffled look. "What in Equestria...?"

"Hi!" Nope said. "I'm you. Well. Younger alternate universe you. Can you please get me home?"

"You're... not here to defeat me?" Pinions asked.

"I think that was the plan originally," Nope said, "but then again, they said they couldn't send me back, so I thought I'd have better luck with you."

"Portal, huh?" Pinions said, nodding.

"Yeah. You get them too?"

"No. I keep a portal-nullifying field around me these days." She gave Nope a miserable look. "Of course, everypony thinks it's just to prevent sneak attacks."

"So, um..." Nope asked hesitantly. "What's the deal with... all this? The Evil Overlord thing?"

Pinions sighed and gave the guard a short nod, prompting him to walk out and close the door behind him.

She rested her head on the papers she'd been looking over. "It's not as if I wanted this," she said. "Everything trying to push you into one direction... just got so tiring." She raised her head and squinted her eyes. "So I said, forget it! If Destiny wants me to be some kind of hero? Well, let's see how dear old Destiny reacts if I go the other way! Portals? Nullified. Aliens? Shot out of the heavens! Magical princes and wizards? Throw them into a random portal!" She sighed again. "It gets so tiring, you know? Before you know it, you have foreign powers demanding to find their missing heirs, and then the Princesses get on your case, and when you finally manage to defeat them and lock them away, you have to go and figure out how to keep these stupidly huge celestial bodies going. It's a giant bother, that's what it is. And that's just the start, too."

"Really?" Nope asked curiously.

"Well, yes," Pinions replied glumly. "Once you defeat all the heroes, there's no one left to deal with all these ridiculous world-ending threats Equestria seems to get on a semi-yearly basis. I probably saved this world more times than any of these so-called heroes, but do you see me getting any praise? Ohh no. I'm the Evil Overlord!"

She blinked, and smiled at Nope. "Wow. You don't know how good it feels to just be able to vent about all that to someone who can understand it!"

"I got a fairly good idea," Nope said with a nod. "So, um... now what?"

Pinions looked at her carefully. "Well then. Who brought you here?"

"Our old classmates," Nope said. "They're holed up in the forest somewhere."

"Oh. Of course. Them." Pinions sighed. "I just let them go about their business. Sending people to the onion mines is all fun and games until it's someone you know being dragged in by the guards, you know? So I just let them get away. Some ropes not bound very tightly, some doors carelessly left ajar, some guards fast asleep on the job. I'm sure they feel very accomplished now, with their little hidden rebellion." She cricked her neck. "But, you see, just the fact they exist gives the ponies hope, so that's nice." She glanced down at Nope. "I just hope they don't summon anything horrible by accident."

"What happened to Sunshine?" Nope asked, cocking her head curiously. She couldn't help but notice the absence of her best friend in the cave, earlier.

"Agh, Sunshine," Pinions groaned. "Look, she and Blue Pine were... uh, you know Blue Pine? Her husband?"

"Somewhat," Nope said with a nod. "They just started dating, in my world."

Pinions looked relieved at that. "Right, right. The time difference. Anyway, I didn't want them in the way of all this, especially since some groups would probably try to use them as leverage against me, so... I banished them."

Nope nodded. "To some luxurious place."

Pinions nodded back. "With a large spending account. They still send me post cards; Sunny's getting very good at Zebrican. Honestly, she feels kind of bad about the situation here, but she loves it there."

Nope grinned. "I'll suggest it to them as honeymoon destination."

"Oh, leave her alone!" Pinion grinned back at her. "We'll see how you'll do when you fall in love!" She blinked and frowned, her expression turning gloomy. "It's not always like the fairy tales, little one..."

"Hey, no spoilers!" Nope protested. "Kindly allow me to make my own mistakes!"

"Right, right. Sorry." Pinions looked around her desk, which was overflowing with papers. "Well. I can at least warn you against this mistake. Though I honestly can't tell exactly where it started going wrong. I just... lost my temper a few times, it all snowballed into this huge mess, and the next thing I know, I'm an evil overlord." She stared blankly in front of her.

Nope nodded sadly. There was little she could do for her older self; no new insights to offer, no clever ways out... after all, Pinions was her, and she'd been there throughout the whole mess. "Do try to find a way out, please," she said. She gave her older alternate self a weak smile. "I know you can solve it."

Pinion smiled. "You're right. I guess I just have to try a little harder. Now, let's see about getting you home..."

"So, did you get me anything this time?" Sunshine asked.

Nope giggled. "I really shouldn't, but Big Me didn't mind, so... try to figure this one out!" She floated a small rectangular piece of cardboard out of her saddlebags, and let it hang in the air in front of her friend.

Sunshine gave the postcard a puzzled look. "I can't read that! That's Zebrican or something. Wait... is that my mouthwriting?"

Nope said nothing. She just waited patiently for her friend to get to the two signatures at the bottom of the card, which were connected with a large and rather intimate-looking ampersand.

Nope Interlude: Nope's Yet Another Freaking Isekai

So, after someone mentioned it in a comment, I finally decided to check out Wanderer D's story Sunset's Isekai. And... given that Nope is a character plagued by randomly popping up portals, and Sunset's bar, well, qualifies as exactly that, I could certainly see those two interacting, yes. But not quite in the way reader238 envisioned it.

I now want to see a crossover with Sunsets Isekai if only for Nope to completely ignore it

Instead, it came out more like this:

A jingling bell shook Nope out of her zombie-like state. She blinked the sleep out of her eyes. "...this isn't my bathroom."

Sunset looked at her guest, and promptly facepalmed. "I am so sorry about this. I tweaked the spells a hundred times, I swear, but it just keeps happening!"

"Oh. Hi, Sunset," Nope replied, and made her way towards the bar's toilets. She knew the way, by now.

A few minutes later she walked out again and made her way to the bar. "You know, I think I'm gonna take you up on that drink this time. Gimme something strong."

Sunset smirked. "Nope, you're like, fourteen, aren't you?"

"Fifteen," the grumpy teen replied. "Do I need to emigrate to the Griffin kingdom before I'm getting that drink? They have no legal drinking age at all, on account of nogriff giving a hoot. I bet your bar would actually have to accept that."

"You literally just got out of bed," Sunset threw back, pointing at her polka dot pajamas. "Even if the Isekai would consider you legal, this stuff shouldn't be drunk on an empty stomach."

The teenage alicorn dragged herself onto a bar stool, and looked at Sunset with sleepy eyes. "Fine. Can I have a coffee and a smoothie then?"

"Only if I can finally take a picture with you," Sunset replied smugly. "And, no pajamas. I want to get your wings on it."

"Ugh. All right. You drive a hard bargain, Shimmer."

Nope looked around the bar and smirked. Honestly, she didn't mind this place so much. Nopony here was coaxing her into saving the world.

She just wished it would stop showing up in her bathroom.

Author's Note

After this, I collaborated with Wanderer D to write an actual chapter in Sunset's Isekai.

The result of that collaboration can be found here:

Sunset's Isekai: Barring Destiny