Shout At The Apple

Much to my chagrin, I’m shot awake with a massive need to use the toilet. Well before sunrise, I rush to the bathroom to take care of the issue before I step in the shower. The hot water kicks in just as I hear the faint sound of either a rooster crowing or a metal alarm clock; not sure why they would sound alike, but I blame mental fog.

After I step out and brush my teeth, Applejack knocks on the bathroom door, which I unlock. She steps in with a red front-knotted blouse with the sleeves rolled up, tucked into form-fitting blue work jeans, tucked into her boots.

“Rise and shine. Your belt’s crooked.” I greet.

“How’d you beat me?”

“Credit is due to my colon. I’ll leave it at that.”

“Well then, in that case, I’ll do the morning chores and we can have breakfast. Sound good?”

“AJ, I’m spending time with you. Of course it will be good.”

“Aw. Thanks!” She blushes.

“She’s all yours.” I say as I replace my toothbrush.

“Don’t need it now.” She says as she ties her ponytail up with a red bandana.

“Have fun.” I retort as she leaves humming a tune to herself.

But by the time I can leave the bedroom, she’s sliding down the railing just as Big Mac heads to the kitchen. He eyes me and nods just as I copy his sister.

“You like her, don’t ya?” He asks right off the bat.

“Aye, I do. No one else, not even my wife, would step up and do what she did when I broke down in Chicago.”

“I don’t mean to pry, but what exactly happened?”

“I don’t really know. I’m not going to say I had them to have them, but if I could put my finger on something, it was rooted in xenophobia.”

“Zeno what?”

“Xenophobia. Fear of the unknown.”

“Oh. I get them confused. I only know claustrophobic and acrophobic.”

“Sure.”

“Want somethin’ to eat?”

“I’m alright for now. AJ said she wanted to have breakfast with me after the morning chores.”

“Ha! She’s funny. Those’ll take her ‘till at least Apple Bloom wakes up.”

“Yes, and what time would that be?”

“10:00.”

“How has she survived as a farmer?”

“She doesn’t do much actual farm work. She prefers to remain a housekeeper and delivery driver. She works for our local charity, and is pretty active in the community. She really likes helping people. For that reason, she also spends a lot of time out. Hence, housekeeping and delivery driver.”

“Nice.”

“Wait, where was this conversation going?”

“Uh, something about breakfast.”

“Right! I can’t cook, so can I interest you in a sugary breakfast cereal?”

“Ha! I’ll just do a glass of product.”

“What?”

“Your specialty, and a tall one at that.”

“You’re not making a lick of sense.”

“Apple Juice, or cider.”

“Oh. Ha! Should’ve caught that one.”

“Sorry. I’ve developed my sense of humor over so long it’s layered like an onion. Admittedly, most of the time my jokes are so tongue in cheek that it goes over most people’s heads.”

“That’s alright. Though now that I think of it, I think we need to have a talk.”

“We already are.”

“I know, but none of this “cold pizza, leftover meatloaf” stuff.”

“Oh my God, you watch Friends?”

“I did. Was a huge fan, although many generations removed.”

“Nice. Well, if it’s a serious talk you want, both your sisters are I assume out of earshot, and based on your response, I’m actually quite relieved.”

“Oh no. That can’t be good.”

“Oh, relax.”

“Well, let me get you your Apple juice.”

“Thank you.”

“Eeyup.”

When he puts the glass on the table, he sits right across from me and begins the discussion.

“Now, look: I’m sure you know why I have to give you this, and it’s clear we’re both on the same page.”

“Yep.”

“Care to speak your mind before I say anything else?”

“Actually, Yes. It all started yesterday, when I was waiting for my crates in the north orchard. Having not much else to do as per AJ’s instructions, I just waited and watched her at work. Next thing I know, I get these, um, ‘visions’ of a nightmare I hadn’t realized since I was in college.”

“Okay…”

“I must warn you that the details are very… explicit.”

He nods.

“Okay. In college, a buddy and I shook on his legal right to murder me if I met the following conditions: employed by Delta, based in Atlanta, marry a southern blonde.”

His eyes double in size as I grit my teeth. “It was a b.s. gentlemen’s agreement, but having met someone like Applejack, who meets the obvious aforementioned criterion, that revelation was a little more than scary.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m not shocked.”

“Look, I’m sorry to be so upfront, but fact of the matter is that it did happen, and AJ doesn’t know. I am attracted to Applejack, but I can’t say that my feelings are necessarily romantic. Like I said earlier, the fact that she stepped up to basically coddle me during two mental breakdowns may be the only reason why these feelings are there in the first place. I’m relieved I can talk to you about it because obviously, I can get it off my chest, but also, seeing as you’re her older brother, and because you’re so approachable and easy to talk to, it just makes sense.”

“Eeyup.” He says before taking a breath. “First of all, Thank you for sharing. I’m glad that AJ’s motherly instincts are still strong. She’s been wanting to start a family of her own so that the future of the farm is secured. Life however just hasn’t been resourceful in that department.”

“I find that hard to believe. I mean, how has no one married her? She’s the perfect woman for just about anyone. Hard-working, committed, honest, strong, faithful, kind…”

“Whoa. I didn’t realize it was that bad.”

“Please don’t take that to mean anything because 1. I’m still married. 2. Even if I was single, she’s the right person for me, but I’m not the right person for her.”

“I have’ta agree on that one. You’re not exactly farmer material.”

“No I ain’t.”

“Still, I think that what you two have is something I haven’t seen with anyone else she’s even shown remote interest in in a very long time.”

“Thank you, that means a lot.”

“However, I do have to put my foot down. I cannot allow you to be part of the family she wants to start.”

“I understand.”

“But she’s a grown woman, she can make her own decisions. If she chooses you, there’s nothing I can do about it except that if you hurt her or cause harm to her, I will hunt you down.”

“I have several questions.”

He nods.

“Are you bloodline purists?”

“What do you mean?”

“Would you only marry in your demographic so that your kids will look like you?”

“Are you basically asking if we’re okay with interracial marriage?”

“Not quite, but yes.”

“I mean, we’d prefer it to be, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Thank God.” I utter under my breath.

“Why is that a relief?”

“I ran into that exact problem in college. Before we shook on our agreement, we used to joke about how I had a crush on one of our buddies’ older sister, but it turned out she was a hardcore purist. She wanted her kids to look like her: blonde haired, blue eyed, all that.”

He nods.

“Worse still, when we ended up meeting, she hated me. I like to think it’s because the beans were spilled, but in reality, we never got to know each other aside from saying hello. Not like I care now. It was just having been reminded of both of those situations from my interactions with Applejack brought those memories back.”

“Okay… um, all I can say is…”

“Howdy Big Mac! Morning sugar cube! Whatcha want for breakfast?” AJ bursts in fresh off the morning chores.

“Uh, I was just gonna go to McDonalds.”

“How dare you!” She snaps back at me. “Mac?”

“What’s in the fridge?” He shrugs.

“You want Flapjacks again?”

“Nope.”

“Wanna go to McD’s with me?” I respond with facetiously.

“Stop that, Max!” AJ snaps back. “You want ham and eggs?”

“Is there anything sweet?” Mac asks before he gets up and heads into the kitchen.

“We have applesauce.”

“You want to make Flapjacks, don’t ya?” Big Mac asks his sister.

“Kind of. I’ve been on a kick with them recently.” She responds with puppy dog eyes.

“I hope that doesn’t have anything to do with me.” I whisper to myself.

“You’re the guest, Max. What’d you like for breakfast?“

“I’m not really feeling anything in particular, hence my McDonald’s suggestion.“

“Quit it!”

“If I really wanted to, I could just cook myself.“

“Nonsense! Let me take care of ya’!”

“Okay then. At least take some eggs out. That’s always a constant with me.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere!“

I groan in contemplation before I spit out, “You may as well take the ham out then.”

“See, was that so hard? How many eggs d’ya want?”

“Uh, let’s do three. And what kind of ham are we talking about? Sliced like Canadian bacon? Or are you cutting off a Honey Baked?”

“It’s a ham steak actually. How many pieces you want?”

“Um, let’s do three there too. Keep it 1:1.”

“Alright then! Anything else you want? Toast?”

“I’ll handle that.”

“Nah uh. Let me handle it.”

“Okay fine. Two slices of toast, but at least let me butter them.”

“Ugh. Fine.” She responds playfully.

I then decide to jump in the kitchen to get a closer view of the elder Apples engaging in some sibling banter. I try to “fly on the wall” but the rapid action shoos me away, so I head for the bathroom.

When I return to the dining room, AJ is still busy. Big Mac caved and is now cooking pancakes on the other burner. A quick time check reveals only an hour before Apple picking starts based on yesterday. Just as I reach the answer, Applejack calls “soup’s on” and serves me my plate.

“Eat up, sugar cube! You’ve got an easy day ahead of ya.”

“Thank you very much. Your hospitality means a lot.”

“Absolutely!”

“Morning, sis.” A freshly showered Apple Bloom greets from the other hall.

“Howdy, Apple Bloom! Usual?”

“Eyup.”

“Got it!” She shouts as she pulls some frozens out and pours oil into a pot.

“What are those?”

“Apple fritters! Been a favorite of Apple Bloom’s ever since her first family reunion!”

“Nice.”

“Howdy, Max! Sleep well last night?”

“Not really.”

She purrs provocatively in response.

“Careful. You’re asking for trouble.”

“Aww, cute. You won’t admit to it.”

“¡Jajaja, qué funny!”

I soon finish breakfast and start the truck for the first delivery run. Today, I’m with Big Mac per AB’s request.

“Ready?” I ask after he rolls up his sleeves.

“Eeyup.”

“Let’s go.” I respond putting the truck in gear. “Which orchard?”

“Northwest.”

“Cool.” I say as I reference the map before putting my foot down.

After I shut the car up by belting up, I put my foot down and have some fun with the dirt roads. As I back into the loading bay, Big Mac shoulder checks with me and asks,

“You put a backup beeper on your truck?”

“Yep. Lost a bet with a friend.”

“What happened?”

“Long story short, I couldn’t parallel park as well as he could. We did a parallel parking challenge between 2 bins. I hit one, he didn’t.”

He only nods.

“You need any help?”

“Nah. I can take care of it. Thanks.”

I decide to drop the windows and put some music on. I keep the level to “party soft” and watch him through the rear view.

Suddenly, Apple Bloom blares her born and showers the truck in dust, the phone rings soon after it settles.

“Hello? Ooh, one second.” I switch from Bluetooth to phone. “Hello?”

“Hey, how are you?” Rosalina calls.

“I’m alright. Having some fun on the farm.”

“Nice. I have a question for you.”

“Go ahead.”

“Do you know where I can find a good deal on a Wrangler?”

“CDJR Skokie? They’d be closest to you. And conveniently, close to my first house, Old Orchard, and the hotel my family stays at when they visit.”

“Okay.”

“Are you gonna custom order?”

“I guess, if they don’t have what I’m looking for.”

“What specifically, obligation to ask?”

“Well, I’m kind of pulled between the Rubicon and the Sahara.”

“2 door or 4?”

“Probably 4.”

“Okay. Um, I have to ask, 3 pedals or 2?”

“As much as I would enjoy it, I would probably still choose 2, if it’s a daily driver.”

“Fair enough.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m not forcing anyone to try.”

“I know, but I’m still sorry about what happened to you.”

“I was a hopeless optimist. Anyway, don’t let this dissuade you, but why Wrangler?”

“Just a personal choice I guess.”

“If I was gonna suggest a Jeep, I’d get a Grand Cherokee, Trackhawk even.”

“That’s because you like the Hellcat engine.”

“No argument, but nevertheless I‘d say avoid the Sahara. Too mainstream.”

“Fair point.”

“Do you plan on actually rock crawling or just trailblazing?”

“Just trailblazing. I’m not that adventurous.”

“You’d’ve had me fooled.”

“Funny. In all seriousness though, I’m leaning towards the MOAB.”

“I will not say it’s a bad idea. I would say a Rubicon would be a better deal, but I will not advise against a MOAB.”

“I’ll go ahead and go for it then.”

“Okay. How much do you want?”

“In terms of what?”

“Money. $40-$50k?”

“No. I don’t want your help on this one.”

“I think it’ll just save you a headache.”

“You really that afraid of credit?”

“No. I think it’s stupid how missing a payment by only a minute can send you from a perfect 640 to “if you had $35,000 cash, I couldn’t let you put 10% down on a car that costs $9.”

“Okay then… Thanks for the help.”

“My pleasure. Send pics, let me know when you’re ready to head back with your new car.”

“Will do. Bye.”

After I hang up, I check the damage of Apple Bloom’s stunt before Big Mac loads crates into the bed.

“Afraid of a little dust?”

“No. Just want to make sure she didn’t throw a sand dune inside.”

“Eeyup.”

“Whoa. Got a good bunch today.”

“Eeyup. Beautiful for the shipping run.”

“Really? With a bumper crop like this?”

“Eeyup.”

“Alright then.” I respond as I load the rest of the crates.

After the crates fill the bed to capacity, one crate gets tucked into the back seat. Big Mac then climbs in and says, “East Orchard.”

“Yay. You want me to take these to warehouse now?”

“Uh, sure.”

“Cool.”

With that, I drop him off at the East Orchard before booking it out with plenty of cargo in tow. At the warehouse, I check in with the guard, back into the loading bay and grab the one crate not in the bed. After I shake hands with the shippers, I head back to the orchard as AB texts, “grab Big Mac and his haul. Lunchtime!”