Would anyone care?

by Lotus Moon

Rating: mature
Tags: Suicide / Self Harm, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Sad, Original Character
Length: 1070

I sit in silence and contemplate one simple question

I feel empty, hallow, voided. A husk of my former self. A broken puppet. So much of myself...I’ve given to others. Never caring about myself or the outcome. But I have nothing left to give anymore. I’ve reached my limit. So now I wonder...would anyone care...if I suddenly wasn’t here?

Audio Reading by Old Legend

Published 2019-05-22 15:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-05-22 15:10:01 UTC

Contemplating

Still silence. That’s all that surrounds me as I sit here. I hear the silence ringing in my ears. Normally it would drive me crazy and to paranoia. But now, it’s a comfort. It’s all I want to hear.

Well...it’s not completely silent.

Step. Step. Step.

Echoing hoof steps sound from behind me. I don’t need to see who it is. I know it’s her again. She comes when I let my guard down.

”You look as awful as ever.”

No shit, Captain Obvious. I have bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, my coat is dirty and feels gross, and my mane and tail are a tattered mess. I’m completely unkempt. But I don’t care. Why should I? I have nothing left.

”You want to do it...don’t you? But something is holding you back.”

She says this all the time. At first, whenever she appeared, I’d fight against her words. Lash out against her. Claim that she didn’t know me. I know that was a lie.

”You came this far. Given up everything that made you happy. Given up...yourself as well.”

That’s true. I did give up everything. My morals. My well-being. My mental health. My friends. My family. My passions. My...self. And yet...nothing ever felt like enough. Everyone could see I wasn’t fine. Yet I smiled through it all like nothing bothered me. Then...I reached the breaking point.

Everyone saw it. They suggested therapy...medicine...anything to help. Nothing really seemed to. I even tried daily positive reinforcement...no help. Soon I just shut myself away. That way no one would have to see me like this. Better that way.

”You shut everyone out. And look what it’s done to you. You can’t even tell if I’m real or not. Let alone anything else.”

Do I even need to in solitary? Does reality even matter now? But that’s not the real question on my mind. The real question is...

”Would anyone care if I was gone?”

That’s the only thing that’s been on my mind. For days...maybe hours...or months...perhaps weeks? I don’t know anymore. I stopped keeping track of time. The only thing that has been on my mind is that question...and the blade in front of me.

”You just stare at it.” I hear her echoing steps as she walks around me. She never did that before. ”Just staring won’t do anything.”

Again. No shit, Captain Obvious. I know that. When in this space...no one outside would know what happens. At least...not till someone remembers me. Doubt that’ll happen did a while.

”Would anyone really care if I was gone? Considering all that’s been going on...am I even a blip on anyone’s radar?”

I feel my horn hum to life. The glow hurts my eyes a bit. I feel my cobalt magic wrap around the blade and bring it closer to my eyes. I stare at my warped reflection.

”Lotus. Have you...decided?”

”Yes...I have. I bet many will grieve...but they will move on.”

"There’s no going back if you do this.”

”I know. And I have no regrets. If they truly care...they’ll feel my presence when they think of me. But for now...it’s time...I finally rest.”

She watched as I slide the blade across my throat and collapsed. As blood pooled around me and my vision blurred, she came into view. She looked like me...just duller.

”Y-Yes..now I remember...who you are...you’re...”

”Black Lotus.”

She says this all the time. At first, whenever she appeared, I’d fight against her words. Lash out against her. Claim that she didn’t know me. I know that was a lie. Why? Because she is me.

*****

It didn’t take long for Lotus to be discovered. Her friends and beloveds found her and mourned.

Didn’t take long for the funeral to be arranged. All of Ponyville was in attendance. In the front was Lotus’s family. Her mother, Scribe. Her father, Sound Boost. Her beloveds, Saphirus and Sektiss. And of course, her friends. Even the Princesses attended. Princess Twilight gave the eulogy before her friends and loved once came out and each talked about how important Lotus was to them.

Once they were done, Lotus was buried. Even after everyone left, Saphirus and Sektiss stayed at the grave for a while. They comforted each other. When it got late enough, they left as well.

Time passed in the blink of an eye. As hard as it was, her friends moved on. But they all kept something in their hearts to remember Lotus by. A smile, something she said, a pleasant memory, anything to make things easier. Saphirus and Sektiss moved in together and healed slowly. They make it a point to visit Lotus’ grave on her birthday, their respective anniversaries, and her death day.

*****

”So...she’s really gone.”

I look back and see 4 other ponies. The first to speak was Lily. She and Lotus didn’t always see eye to eye but they did have an understanding. “Yeah...she’s gone. She didn’t suffer.”

”I would say she suffered enough. All of her friends blame themselves for not seeing this coming. And...even we do. We all were parts of her after all. And not one of us sensed this coming.”

Thats Muune. The youngest of us...is to speak. A seapony who’s more reserved than the rest of us.

”How could we? We were all connected by a link which she cut off. I’m just surprised that none of us disappeared when she...when she...”

Midnight Affection. She looked worse for wear lately. It’s to be expected. When the news came of Lotus’ death, she was the first to break down. She’s hardly stopped crying.

”So what will happen to us now? Our host is deceased...and yet we still remain, meaning there’s something still keeping us here. What that something is, I don’t know. But I do know that we cannot get through this alone.

Finally, Ombretta, the Shadow Pony. Even being what she is, she couldn’t have stopped this or alerted anyone. She lives in all shadows and watches everything. And she is the second youngest before Muune.

They all look at each other and then look to me.

”Well? What do you propose we do now...Black Lotus?

”As stated, we cannot get through this alone. Lotus may be gone, but the Ethereal Realm she created as our home still exists...as do we. Despite the tragedy, we will carry on her legacy. In whatever way we can.”