Author's Note
What's Wrong With You?
The sound of chewing, scraping and gnawing filled Fluttershy's Kitchen. The pegasus set a small bowl of greens down in front of Angel Bunny. The bunny leaned over the bowl, his little pink nose inspecting the meal for approval.
He kicked the bowl over and turned, folding his arms.
Fluttershy sighed and closed her eyes for a moment.
"Angel, can you pretty please just eat this? It's been a very hard day. After re-homing that family of angry wasps, helping the beavers with their broken dam, and finding all of the scared baby bunnies, I haven't had a moment to even sit down or eat something."
Angel thumped his foot repeatedly. He refused to budge even an inch as the yellow pegasus sat down for a moment. She took a deep breath, trying to breathe life into a fading fire inside her. She felt cold. She felt unclean. But most of all, she felt tired. The reality of the situation was that she wasn't giving herself credit. As usual. It wasn't just a hard day, it was a hard week. But of course, she couldn't show that to any of her animal friends. They needed her.
Repetition made tasks easier and simpler to perform, but it doesn't take any less energy.
She knelt down to the bowl and put all of the greens back together.
"Okay, Angel. I'm sorry," she mumbled.
A nagging thought entered her mind of this being what happens when she tries to cut corners, but she pushed it away for a moment. She grabbed a carrot, hoof-tore it into little chunks and scattered it into her pet's meal. Then took a cherry from her fruit bin and placed it neatly on top.
"Here you go, Angel," she said, turning back to the picky bunny and setting it back on the ground.
Angel nodded vigorously then dug eagerly into his meal.
Fluttershy should have smiled, but she felt too drained. There simply wasn't enough gas in the tank. That mixture of adrenaline and endorphins that came from a job well done wasn't hitting like the sweet hit usually did. Instead she felt empty. Dry and wrung. Her wings sagged. Her ears hung low and her posture wasn't as perky as it normally was.
She wasn't sad. Just exhausted.
She looked up to the clock. To her surprise, it was seven in the evening already. Spring tends to have that effect on the daytime. The sun was still out and there was still more day to be had.
But not for Fluttershy.
She exited the kitchen, her stomach reaching a level of hunger that she didn't want to eat anymore and laid out on her couch. She looked up at the ceiling, basking in the relative quiet of the world around her.
Now she could rest. No more work today. Tonight could be a night of mental health care. A nice relaxing jigsaw puzzle, a bottle of sweet white wine. And a nice, hot bubble bath with candles. She even had an 'anti-anxiety' bar of soap that her mother gifted her several months ago. She was just too stressed to use it. Maybe tonight would be the night to use it.
Things were finally calming down. Everything came together, and while it was a hard week. Things would be better now.
Three loud knocks made Fluttershy jump out of her own fur.
Oh no. Ponies.
"Hey Fluttershy! Can I come in?" echoed the loud and familiar voice of Rainbow Dash.
"Uhm. Just a second. Let me-"
But it was too late, Rainbow had already let herself in, Pinkie Pie and Twilight following in behind her.
"Ready for Girls' Night?-- Woah!" she exclaimed stopping short of seeing Fluttershy. "What happened to you?"
"Nothing really," Fluttershy half-lied. It was nothing that Rainbow would probably be concerned with or wouldn't just make her friends fuss over her, so why bring it up? "It's just been a long day."
'Also, how many times have I told you not to just walk into my house?' She said loudly in her mind.
"Well it's GIRLS' NIGHT!" Pinkie exclaimed, hopping in delight. "AJ and Rarity went ahead. So let's gogogo!"
Fluttershy winced as if she were sliced with a small knife. Girls' Night. She had completely forgotten.
The delightful warm feelings of soapy water and scented candles drifted away in a snap. Her body felt heavier.
"Um, Girls. I don't know how to say this, but. I think I really need to sit this one out, if that's okay with you."
"What?!" Rainbow and Pinkie said in unison. Twilight nodded and smiled.
"Totally understandable," Twilight said. "Everypony has bad days. If you need to stay home, then-"
"WHAT!" Rainbow cut her off. "Twilight. How can you say that? It just turned to spring. We just spent the whole winter without Fluttershy because of her Seasonal Depression. And now it's sunny and great out! No more excuses, Fluttershy."
Fluttershy leaned back, feeling the bottom of her gut drop out. Was this really happening?
"We're going to get you out of the house whether you like it or not, it's unhealthy staying inside for so long. If I didn't know better, you don't actually want to spend time with us."
Fluttershy's mouth opened slightly, but she wasn't really sure what to say. It felt as if a part of her essence was fading out of the side of her body.
This is proof you're a terrible friend.
"Well, I suppose I could join for dinner, or something. I honestly forgot about Girls' Night. I'm sorry."
"You Forgot?!" Rainbow exclaimed.
"Dashie," I think you're overreacting, Pinkie said stepping forward.
"Pinkie, we've missed Girls' Night for the last two months, and we used to have it every week I've been looking forward to this so much, so I'm sorry but I think I deserve to be a little hurt."
Rainbow looked to Fluttershy and shook her head.
"Whatever. Come or don't come. Do whatever you want."
Rainbow trotted out of Fluttershy's cottage and left the three mares silent and in shock. Fluttershy hung her head down low and looked to the floor.
Well, isn't it obvious what you need to do?
Twilight and Pinkie whispered to each other for a moment. The two stopped, looked each other in the eye and nodded. Pinkie galloped out of Fluttershy's cottage.
See, this is why nopony wants to spend time with you when you ask for help. This is why ponies change the subject when you start talking about things you're passionate about. You constantly let them down because you don't do enough for them.
"If you let me wash my mane, Twilight, I'll be ready to go," Fluttershy mumbled, rising to her hooves.
"Is that what you want to do, Fluttershy?" Twilight asked, stepping forward to her friend.
Fluttershy looked up to her alicorn friend with moist eyes and took a deep breath.
Look how emotional you are. My God. How pathetic.
"I don't know?" she answered in the most possible way.
"Come here, sit down," Twilight said, gently coaxing Fluttershy with a wing back to her couch. "Do you wanna talk?"
The feelings locked themselves firmly in Fluttershy's throat. She tried to swallow, but it felt like she couldn't function. Like she had forgotten how to exist properly.
She shook her head.
"Well, how about I tell you something, before we make any decisions. Okay?"
Fluttershy looked up to her friend curiously, doing her best to put on a stable expression.
"I was reading this article about how ponies with illnesses try to live their daily lives. It talked about how it felt like there were only so many spoons in a day, and since everything they did cost spoons to do-"
Fluttershy tilted her head, not knowing where Twilight was going with this.
"I'm doing a bad job explaining it," Twilight said, chuckling. "Let me try to put it this way. Does it feel like if you did anything else today, that you'd be pushing yourself beyond your limit?"
Fluttershy nodded.
"And if you pushed yourself beyond that limit, you wouldn't be doing it for yourself, but for somepony else?"
Fluttershy looked to the ground. She closed her eyes and nodded.
"I know that it's difficult to have to say no to somepony. Trust me, I know. But if you don't take care of yourself, Fluttershy, we certainly can't. Heck, we can barely take care of ourselves sometimes."
"You too?" Fluttershy asked innocently.
"Yeah, us too. Everypony has rough times here or there. And it just gets harder and harder when you're under a lot of pressure or are struggling with an illness. Medical or Physical. I know Rainbow was really looking forward to tonight, but I think she let her excitement get the better of her. I'm sure she will apologize eventually."
"You think so?" Fluttershy asked.
Yeah, because she's forced to.
"Of course she will. She'll realize what she did, feel bad and want to make amends. That's what friends do."
"I suppose you're right," Fluttershy said with a sigh.
"If you need time to yourself tonight, then it certainly wont be the last time we all get to spend together."
Fluttershy smiled faintly.
"Do you think we can all hang out next week?"
"I'm sure we can make it work," Twilight said. "And I'm sure Rainbow will like it too."
"Thank you, Twilight," Fluttershy said, breathing easier. It felt like the life was slowly re-entering her body with each breath. A tear ran down her cheek and she smiled.
"Of course, Fluttershy," Twilight calmly reassured, wrapping Fluttershy in her wings for a big hug. "That's what friends were for."
After her embrace, Twilight got up from the couch and stretched her hooves.
"Are you going to be alright?"
Well isn't that a loaded question?
"Probably," Fluttershy said. "It still stings right now, but I'll be okay eventually."
"Alright. Would you mind if I check in on you later?"
Look, they're scared you'll attempt again.
"Sure, if you want. I wouldn't worry too much."
"Alright, Fluttershy. Just be sure to take care of you. I'll see you later."
"See you, Twilight."
And with that, Twilight stepped out the door and closed it behind her, the sky outside began to change to a gentle golden hue as the sun moved lower across the horizon, and a few of her animals casually strolled outside of her kitchen, their expressions content and happy.
Fluttershy stood up, a burning ache radiating from the bottom of her hooves, and climbed the stairs to her bathroom. She closed the door behind her and locked it, keeping her away from the stresses and darkness on the other side. Fluttershy took a deep breath.
What are the girls saying about you, right now, I wonder...
She moved to the mirror and looked at her own expression. Blank, exhausted. Pained. She opened the mirror to reveal the medicine cabinet on the other side. She took out her daily prescription and took it as intended. It wasn't much or very strong, but it helped. As she put the bottle back inside she noticed the marble green bar of soap with a red tied bow on it. She pulled it from the shelf and looked at it intently.
'Designed to make you forget the outside world just for a little while.' Her eyes glazed over the rest of the words. Their poetic tone felt hollow and empty. Like a clever advertisement. It smelled of cucumbers and lime. The plastic crinkled at a uncomfortable loud sound. The small tag on the side said "Hang in there, Honey. Love, Mom."
Is this how low you've fallen?
"There might be another day that I really need it," she mumbled to herself. She squeezed it in her hooves and put it back on the shelf.
And so Fluttershy moved to the tub and turned the water to hot. Her mind began to race with all of the things she needed to do tomorrow, and one more thing just got added to the list. Make things better with Rainbow.
Things will be better, eventually. Objectively, things weren't even bad right now. Just difficult. She just had to believe things would get better. She had to.
Things would. They had to. They just did.
I bet they will.
