Extracts From the Biography of Starswirl the Bearded

Chapters

Chapter 1 Early Foalhood
Chapter 2 Starswirl At The All Gone Inn
Chapter 3 School Days, School Days, Dear Old Break The Rules Days
Chapter 5 starswirl in the military
Chapter 6 Military Quotes From Starswirl
Chapter 7 Still Further Quotes From Starswirl
Chapter 8 Quotes About Starswirl
Chapter 4 Further Quotes From Starswirl

Chapter 1 Early Foalhood

Starswirl taught himself to read at age 2. Before he was 3, he was cutting out what he considered the most important story of the day, and putting it in a scrapbook together with an essay explaining why he thought it was important. Some of these journals survive and provide an insight into his thoughts.

Although his family thought he was smart, Starswirl first came to public prominence when he was 4 years old and taught himself to play chess. In his own words from an interview given upon the publication of his first chess book at age 8:
"I was playing in my parents' library when my father entered with a stallion that I had never seen before (or since). They went over to an elaborate chess set that my father kept on display in the library and began playing chess while discussing business. As I was sitting on a high shelf, I could see the chessboard and watched, fascinated, as the game unfolded. They finished their first game and began a second. My father moved a knight from a black square to a black square. For those unfamiliar with the rules of chess, this is a mistake sometimes made by beginners. I called out 'Daddy's cheating! Daddy's cheating!'

My father used his magic to bring me down from my perch and demanded to know why I said that. I said 'Because pony heads don't move like that.'

My father demanded to know how I knew that when I didn't even know what the pieces were called. I replied 'I know enough to beat you!'

My father was going to punish me for my insolence when the stallion intervened. He convinced my father that it would be better to defeat me at chess, then punish me.

By luck, I got the white pieces and was able to quickly defeat my father.
Using what is now called "Starswirl's Mate". There are several slightly different variations
E2-E4 E7-E5
B-C4 B-C5 (anything except N-F6, really)
Q-H5 Any of several moves
QxF7#

My father was astounded and demanded to know who had taught me to play chess. I replied 'I learned today while watching you play.'

Again, my father was going to punish me for insolence when the stallion intervened. He told my father that he had heard of such things and that I should be tested and (if I was any good) encouraged.

So, my father got my uncle (at that time chess champion of Neigh Orleans) to come and try my skill -and I defeated him, using what would become known as my famous gambit.

For those unfamiliar with chess, offering material to open lines of attack is called a "gambit" in the opening, a "sacrifice" in the midgame or the endgame.
Starswirl's Gambit
1.e4 e5
2.Nf3 Nc6
3.Bc4 Bc5
4.b4 Bxb4
5.c3 Ba5
After that, I never looked back, never took a lesson nor read a book until I was chess champion of the world and had written a book that was worth reading." (His book "Fundamentals of Chess" was published when he was 1)

When rebuked for bragging, he replied "It's not bragging if you can really do it." He also stated "You show me a good loser, I'll show you a loser"

During Starswirl's time, there was no tournament system to produce regular title challenges. You simply challenged the champion and, if you could agree on the terms, you had a match and the winner was considered the champion. It took him several months of entering tournaments to become prominent enough to challenge his uncle and become the Neigh Orleans champion. He used this victory to gain a job as a syndicated columnist, writing a weekly chess column "Checkmate" under the title "Grandmaster Starswirl". (Probably to get the money to compete in tournaments. For a ranked player such as himself, there was no entry fee but often no monetary prize either and he still needed travel expenses plus lodging for himself and an adult guardian, usually a family servant. )(This was an age when professional sports players were considered somewhat disreputable. Gentlemen were considered to compete solely for the love of the sport) He gained the world championship at age 6.

So that he could read foreign chess journals, he learned to speak, read, and write every language in the world. To study faster he taught himself to read over 5,000 words a minute with a near eidetic memory. Over 50 years later, he would win a famous bet with Rockhoof. Rockhoof would read a line from any of Starswirl's old textbooks and Starswirl would start reciting the text from memory. It took over 2 hours and a dozen texts before Rockhoof's other friends could convince him to concede that Starswirl could really do it.

During his chess playing years he was called "Starswirl the Prodigy" to his face, and "Starswirl the Jerk" or "The Brat" behind his back. He played in hundreds of simultaneous exhibitions, charging players and spectators one bit apiece admission. For those unfamiliar with chess, this is when 1 player plays many opponents and goes from board to board making one move at each board then moving on. This got him the money to enter tournaments and, more important to him, taught him to size up a position and decide on a move in seconds. (This was considered acceptable because of the need to pay to rent the hall.)

He was famous/notorious for his outrageous conduct in tournaments and matches. He would show up as much as an hour late (with his clock ticking away) For those unfamiliar with chess, you are required to make a certain number of moves in a specified time. You can spend as much of that time as you want to on any given move, but if you don't make your quota of moves then you are considered to have forfeited the game. You can't do that today, the rules were changed so that if you're even 1 second late, you are considered to have forfeited the game). He would move, then engage in some quiet but childish activity such as drawing or working a jigsaw puzzle. When his servant would tell him that his opponent had moved, he would return, look at the board, "involuntarily" make some dismissive noise, or roll his eyes in contempt (trash talk being against the rules), then move, usually in 10-30 seconds. He would then return to his other activity. This would show that he didn't take his opponent seriously and would often annoy them to the point that it would affect their play. As he was the world champion, and usually drew a vast audience plus giving the tournament publicity with his column, he usually got away with this

Shortly after Celestia and Luna were crowned princesses (because they were raising the sun and the moon), they invited Starswirl to join him at an opera. During intermission, they played a chess game. Because of the noise the Princesses made, consulting (and sometimes arguing) over moves, the game was reported in may newspapers besides being reported in Starswirl's column. It became one of the most famous chess games in history. (Though the game is remembered, which opera it was is long forgotten )

The game is often used by chess instructors to teach the importance of rapid development of one's pieces, the value of sacrifices in mating combinations, and other chess concepts. The game is sometimes called "The Opera Game" or "A Night at the Opera" (in Prance: "Partie de l'opéra").
White: Starswirl Black: Princess Celestia and Princess Luna Opening: Filly Door Defense
1. e4 e5
2. Nf3 d6
(This is the Filly Door Defense, named after one of the leading chess masters of the second half of the century and a pioneer of modern chess strategy. She was also a noted opera composer. It is a solid opening, but slightly passive, and it ignores the important d4-square.)
3. d4 Bg4?!
(Though 3...Bg4 is considered an inferior move today, this was accepted theory at the time. Today 3...exd4 or 3...Nf6 are usual. Filly Door's original idea, 3...f5, is a risky alternative.)
4. dxe5 Bxf3
(If 4...dxe5, then 5.Qxd8+ Kxd8 6.Nxe5 and White wins a pawn and Black has lost the ability to castle. Black, however, did have the option of 4...Nd7 5.exd6 Bxd6, when he's down a pawn but has some compensation in the form of better development.)
5. Qxf3
(5.gxf3 dxe5 6.Qxd8+ Kxd8 7.f4 is also good, but Starswirl recommended avoiding simplification unless it was to the player's advantage . After Black recaptures the pawn on e5, White has a significant lead in development.)
5...dxe5
6. Bc4 Nf6?
(This seemingly sound developing move runs into a surprising refutation. After White's next move, both f7 and b7 will be under attack. Better would have been to directly protect the f7-pawn with the queen, making White's next move less potent. It is the losing move.)
7. Qb3 Qe7
(Black's only good move. White was threatening mate in two moves, for example 7...Nc6 8.Bxf7+ Ke7 (or Kd7) 9.Qe6#. 7...Qd7 loses the rook to 8.Qxb7 followed by 9.Qxa8 (since 8...Qc6? would lose the queen to 9.Bb5). Notice that Qe7 saves the rook with this combination: 8.Qxb7 Qb4+ forcing a queen exchange.
Although this move prevents immediate disaster, Black is forced to block the f8-bishop, impeding development and kingside castling.)
8. Nc3 c6
(The best move, allowing black to defend his pawn without further weakening the light squares, which have been weakened by black trading off his light-square bishop.)
9. Bg5 b5?
(Black attempts to drive away the bishop and gain some time, but this move allows Starswirl a strong sacrifice to keep the initiative. This move loses but it is difficult to find anything better; for example 9...Na6 10.Bxf6 gxf6 11.Bxa6 bxa6 12.Qa4 Qb7 and Black's position is in shambles.)
10. Nxb5! cxb5
(Black could have played 10...Qb4+ forcing the exchange of queens (11.Qxb4 Bxb4+ 12.Nc3), although White would retain a technically won game being a pawn up.)
11. Bxb5+
(Not 11.Bd5? Qb4+, unpinning the knight and allowing the rook to evade capture.)
11... Nbd7
12. 0-0-0 Rd8
13. Rxd7 Rxd7
14. Rd1
(At this point, Black's d7-rook cannot be saved, since it is pinned to the king and attacked by the rook, and though the knight defends it, the knight is pinned to the queen.)
14... Qe6
(This is a futile attempt to unpin the knight (allowing it to defend the rook) and offer a queen trade, to take some pressure out of the white attack. Even if Starswirl did not play his next crushing move, he could have always traded his bishop for the knight, followed by winning the rook.)
15. Bxd7+ Nxd7
(If 15...Qxd7, then 16.Qb8+ Ke7 17.Qxe5+ Kd8 18.Bxf6+ gxf6 19.Qxf6+ Kc8 20.Rxd7 Kxd7 21.Qxh8 and White is clearly winning. Moving the king leads to mate: 15...Ke7 16.Qb4+ Qd6 (16...Kd8 17.Qb8+ Ke7 18.Qe8#) 17.Qxd6+ Kd8 18.Qb8+ Ke7 19.Qe8# or 15...Kd8 16.Qb8+ Ke7 17.Qe8)
16. Qb8+! Nxb8
17. Rd8#

His second most famous game was during his title match against world champion Martial Art. In the midgame, Martial pondered the position for over an hour. He then offered a knight sacrifice. As was his habit, Starswirl looked at the board for a few seconds then moved. He completely ignored the sacrifice and made a developing pawn move on the other side of the board. In Martial Art's own words "I was devastated, I was destroyed. I was in severe time trouble. I had counted on being able to move quickly in a pre considered position, but I had never considered that Starswirl might ignore the entire sacrifice. Starswirl stayed at the board and moved so rapidly that I had no time to think. I panicked, made a few bad moves in a row, then resigned"

This game would have drawn some attention but not been nearly so famous if a rival chess columnist hadn't been covering the game. He asked Starswirl "Excuse me, but wouldn't your position have been better if you had accepted the sacrifice?"

Starswirl replied "I just won the game. How much better can my position get?"

The columnist said "Yes, but what would have happened if you had accepted the sacrifice?"

Starswirl replied "I have no idea. You'll have to ask Martial Art that question."

When several ponies expressed surprise that he hadn't even thought about the sacrifice before rejecting it, he explained "When a player the caliber of Martial Art makes what is obviously a long prepared sacrifice, I do him the honor of considering it to be sound. I never consider accepting a prepared move such as that until I have considered the possibility of rejecting it"

Later in the interview both players were asked "How far ahead do you think in a game?"
Martial replied "Always at least 5 or 6 moves. Sometimes as many as a dozen."

Starswirl replied to the same question "Usually only 1 move. But, it is always the right move"

The column "Grandmaster Wins Game By Mistake" drew enough attention that the game drew considerable attention for decades. The analysists concluded that, unless Martial Art saw something that nobody else ever did (possible), the sacrifice was NOT completely sound. Starswirl would have been little, if any, worse off accepting the sacrifice and might have been marginally better off accepting it. But, he wouldn't have won nearly so quickly or so easily.

Shortly after publishing his book, Fundamentals of Chess, Starswirl retired from competitive chess. Despite repeated pleas, (mostly from fans, almost never from his fellow Grandmasters) he never played in an exhibition or match again. He stated "I have already accomplished all that there is to accomplish in chess. Repetition would merely take the time that I will need for other things. I have too much to accomplish in too many other fields to waste the time". In addition, he was due to be sent to boarding school (as was the custom for unicorns of his social class) which would have greatly cut down on his time.

Accomplishments
He never lost a tournament or a match in 7 years of competition play. At one point, he won 95 games in a row without a loss, a record that stands to this day
Record number of simultaneous blindfold games: 48 (The record stands to this day) 35 wins 7 draws 6 losses
This took 19 hours, 9 minutes with most of the draws and losses taking place at the end as he was literally falling asleep towards the end
"Blindfolded chess", you are not necessarily blindfolded, you just can't see the boards and are playing from memory
Record number of simultaneous games: 321 (the record now stands at 500) 294 wins 26 draws 1 loss
Published his book Fundamentals of Chess. The part on opening theory is still in print today, and is one of the most widely read books for beginners
Invented Chess960 and helped publicize it.
Randomizing the main pieces had long been known as Shuffle Chess; however, Chess960 introduces restrictions on the randomization, "preserving the dynamic nature of the game by retaining bishops of opposite colors for each player and the right to castle for both sides". The result is 960 unique possible starting positions (There are actually 1920 possible positions, but half are mirror images of the other half). It employs the same board and pieces as standard chess, but the starting position of the pieces on the players' home ranks is randomized. The random setup renders the prospect of obtaining an advantage through the memorization of opening lines impracticable, compelling players to rely instead on their talent and creativity.
He also invented "Bughouse Chess" (Team chess play had been around since time immemorial, this simply became one of the most popular variants). The game is usually played at a fast time control; this, together with the passing and dropping of pieces, can make the game look chaotic and random to the casual onlooker; hence the name bughouse, which is slang for a mental hospital or insane asylum.
Bughouse is a chess variant played on two chessboards by four players in teams of two. Each team member faces one opponent of the other team. Partners sit next to each other and one player has black, while the other has white. Each player plays the opponent as in a standard chess game, with the exception of the rules specified below.
Captured pieces
A player capturing a piece immediately passes that piece to the capturing player's partner. The partner keeps these pieces in reserve and may, instead of playing a regular move, place one of these pieces on the board (as in shogi and crazyhouse), called dropping the piece. Pieces in reserve or on deck may be dropped on any vacant square, including squares where the piece delivers check or checkmate; however, pawns may not be dropped on the first or last rank. Dropped pawns may promote, but all promoted pawns convert back to pawns when captured. In play over the board, a promoted pawn can be put on its side to indicate promotion. A pawn placed on the second rank may move two squares on its first move. Each player must keep the reserve or stock pieces on the table in front of the board, always visible to all players of the game. http://www.nwchess.com/articles/rules/bughouse_rules.htm
Proof positive that just because you are an arrogant jerk, doesn't necessarily mean that you are an incompetent, arrogant jerk.

Equestrian Chess
The rules are the same, but the names are different.
Instead of Black and White, they are called Day and Night, or (in Equestria) Sun and Moon
The King and Queen are called the Prince and the Princess
The white bishop is the "Pegasus" and the black bishop is the Thestral
Knights are still called Knights or sometimes Guards
Rooks are called Towers

Author's Note

Cutting out the newspaper articles was Buckminster Fuller. He credited rhe education he got at Annapolis Naval Academy with making him a genius. IMO, there was a little more to it.

The "taught himself to play chess" was Jose Capablanca.
(I added a few details.) Yes, he really said that.

Several famous grandmasters supposedly taught themselves to play chess by watching others play

"Starswirl's gambit" = Evans Gambit
"It's not bragging …." was baseball Hall of Famer Jay Hanna "Dizzy" Dean
"Show me a good...." I heard Ted DiBiase Sr. say that. I believe that he was quoting Leo Durocher

Howard Stephen Berg from the United States has claimed to be the Guinness World Record holder for fast reading with a speed of 25,000 words per minute, and Maria Teresa Calderon from the Philippines claims to have earned the Guinness World Record for World's Fastest Reader at 80,000 words per minute reading speed...

Morphy was White in the Opera Game.
He retired from competitive chess at age 21 after only 2 years as (informal) world champion.

I remember reading about the "won a game by mistake" thing. IIRC, Marshall was the winner & made the "do him the honor" comment, but my Internet skills suck & I couldn't track it down.

The "always the right move" line is attributed to various players, most supposedly after beating Capablanca.

Chess960 was invented by Fischer

I have the next 2 chapters already roughed out. The next one will be published in July
School Days, School Days, Dear Old Break The Rules Days

Chapter 2 Starswirl At The All Gone Inn

While working as a syndicated chess columnist, he occasionally filled in as the Society Columnist, "High Society" or the Culture Reviewer "Constant Reader" (mainly book reviews, but also plays, and art work), and all or parts of some editorials.

The literary and artistic elite of the city hung out at the All Gone Inn, where they had a huge round table in a backroom. Their rule was that anyone connected, however tenuously, with the theater, newspapers, or writing in general was welcome. BUT, you had better be able to hold your own in a verbal battle, be there to discuss business, or willing to buy endless rounds of drinks. Otherwise, you would be verbally harassed until you fled the premises.

As these columns were written by many different ponies under the common house name, and the verbal quips at the inn were, of course, unwritten, it is difficult to be certain exactly what Starswirl did or did not write or say. These are commonly attributed to him.

"A work of art? It has no invention; it has no order, system, sequence, or result; it has no lifelikeness, no thrill, no stir, no seeming of reality; its characters are confusedly drawn, and by their acts and words they prove that they are not the sort of people the author claims that they are; its humor is pathetic; its pathos is funny; its conversations are -- oh! indescribable; its love-scenes odious; its words a crime against the language.

Counting these out, what is left is Art. I think we must all admit that."

When criticized for writing a review of a play that he had not seen in its entirety, he replied "When I bite into an egg, I don't need to eat the entire egg to know if it's good or not"

"This book should not be set aside lightly. It should be hurled with great force"

"It is not difficult to write an editorial. You need only a pen forged in Tartarus and a gift for invective"

"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad."

"The Princesses attempts to reform the nobility are like attempting to pick up a turd by the clean end"

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. I see it all perfectly: there are two possibilities, one can either do this or do that. My honest opinion and friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it, you will regret both." (Advice to a fellow round table member who was debating whether or not to leave their spouse)

"It is hard to find the good in some folks and harder when there isn't any"

"The playwright's vocabulary is mean and impoverished, but adequate to express his ideas. The lead singer's voice could make your ears bleed. The romantic lead not only fills the role, he overflows it."

"This novel is both original and good. Unfortunately, the parts that are good are not original and the parts that are original are not good."

review of "The Enemy Conquered; or, Love Triumphant." By G. Ragsdale McClintock,

The reader must not imagine that he is to find in here wisdom, brilliancy, fertility of invention, ingenuity of construction, excellence of form, purity of style, perfection of imagery, truth to nature, clearness of statement, possible situations, possible people, fluent narrative, connected sequence of events-- or philosophy, or logic, or sense. No; This book has a total and miraculous ABSENCE from it of all these qualities, does not know that they are absent, does not even suspect that they are absent.

He likes words--big words, fine words, grand words, rumbling, thundering, reverberating words; with sense attaching if it could be got in without marring the sound, but not otherwise. He loves to stand up before a dazed world, and pour forth flame and smoke and lava and pumice-stone into the skies, and work his subterranean thunders, and shake himself with earthquakes, and stench himself with sulfur fumes. If he consumed his own fields and vineyards, that was a pity, yes; but he would have his eruption at any cost.

….We have now arrived at the end. But it is not exciting. McClintock thinks it is; but it isn't.
….. there is but one Drake Spear, there is but one McClintock--and his immortal book is before you. Shakespeare could not have written this book, I could not have done it myself. There is a strange sort of originality about McClintock; he imitates other people's styles, but nobody can imitate his, not even an idiot. Other people can be windy, but McClintock blows a gale; other people can blubber sentiment, but McClintock spews it; other people can mishandle metaphors, but only McClintock knows how to make a business of it. McClintock is always McClintock, he is always consistent, his style is always his own style. He does not make the mistake of being relevant on one page and irrelevant on another; he is irrelevant on all of them. He does not make the mistake of being lucid in one place and obscure in another; he is obscure all the time. He does not make the mistake of slipping in a name here and there that is out of character with his work; he always uses names that exactly and fantastically fit his lunatics....

Author's Note

During the 1920s and 1930s much of the literary elite of New York hung out at a table in the Algonquin Hotel

"A work of art...." was Mark Twain's essay on Fenimore Cooper
The review is parts of "A Cure For the Blues" by Mark Twain
Many of the quotes were from George Bernard Shaw
Many were from here https://www.azquotes.com/quotes/topics/curmudgeon.html

Chapter 3 School Days, School Days, Dear Old Break The Rules Days

In Starswirl's time it was considered that there was no necessity for the average pony to be able to read. Thus, there were no public schools. Ponies learned what they needed to know by being apprenticed to a trade or by working on their parent's farm. It was customary for the well-to-do to hire a tutor to teach several foals until they were 11 or 12, then to send them to a boarding school. This is why Starswirl was able to devote so much time to his chess career -he didn't have to worry about attending school.

Shortly after Starswirl began attending class, the tutor was ill and a new tutor (one that Starswirl had never seen before or since) took the class for a day. Because the class was unruly, the tutor demanded that they "add all the numbers from 1 to 100." Before he had even finished writing the problem on the board, Starswirl announced the answer "5050".

The tutor was taken aback but answered. "That's right. Starswirl has obviously realized that there is an easy way to do this. You add 100+1 = 101, 99+2 = 101, etc. down to 51+50 = 101. This gives you the equation 101x50 = 5050 for the answer"

Starswirl replied "I don't know how to multiply, I just added them up in my head" He then demanded that he be taught how to multiply. Thus, his tutors became aware that his ability in chess was not an isolated incident.

Shortly afterwards, he read that "skunks need to brace their hind legs in order to spray their scent". Deciding to test this, he located a skunk and hoisted it into the air by its tail. Unable to spray, the skunk was helpless. One of his classmates pointed out "You can't hold it up forever. Sooner or later, you will have to put it down and when you do, you will regret it"

Starswirl carried it over to their classroom and flung it through an open window. Neither the skunk nor his tutor (who was inside) were the least bit amused by this.

When told about resonance, his response was to grab a hammer and a stopwatch and use resonance to knock down a nearby bridge. He said that this was NOT just random destructiveness but was necessary to test his concepts about resonance. He would later use this greater understanding to build a Tesla coil. This was called "an answer to a question no one asked" He would later use it to shoot sparks of 6 feet or more at those who touched his front door. He called it "My answer when I don't want to be asked."

At the time, his father was NOT amused. He said. "You are 11 years old. You have no "concepts". He then grounded Starswirl "for the rest of your life". Shortly afterwards, he was sent away to boarding school

Florine is the most electronegative of all the elements. This means that compounds containing fluorine are extremely stable because nothing can break the chemical bond. During Starswirl's school days, pure fluorine was finally produced after decades of effort. Starswirl was greatly excited. He thought that Fluorocarbon analogs of hydrocarbons could be produced, and that they would be extremely stable. Thus, they could replace ammonia (which was toxic & corrosive) as a refrigerant, and perhaps be used to fight fires.

He theorized that fluorocarbons could be produced by mixing carbon and fluorine. The school forbid his attempt for safety reasons Early methods of fluorine production were both difficult and dangerous. Several researchers were blinded and/or poisoned in the attempt. He ignored this, snuck into the lab at night, and put his theory to the test. He learned that combining fluorine and carbon WILL produce fluorocarbons. Indeed, they are produced so quickly that the reaction is an explosion.

When the police responded to the explosion and called on him to explain himself, he said “It is not the critic who counts; not the one who points out how the strong stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the one who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is no effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

The police officer was not impressed and Starswirl was arrested and taken to Juvenile Detention. Folklore says that when he was locked in, the police officer told him "You talk of 'those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat'? Join them."

The Headmaster was not impressed either. Starswirl was given a flogging, a month's detention, no deserts for a month, and forced to pay for the damages.

Starswirl was equally unimpressed and told the Headmaster "History will remember you solely by what my biographers choose to say of you. I doubt that it will be much." This got him another flogging.

Starswirl did eventually produce the first fluorocarbons by using hydrocarbons instead of carbon, using stronger containers, and chilling the ingredients in liquid air (to slow the reaction down)

Shortly after this incident, his teachers began referring to him as "Spat" (Small Pony, Always Talking.)
spat (spat)
noun
dispute, quarrel
So, it was felt that this was an especially appropriate nickname
Somehow, his fellow students became aware of this and began to use it. Starswirl hated it.

Later, he proved that light had to be a wave. He used a prism to split a narrow beam of light into a spectrum. He then put the spectrum through another prism. When it was not split any further, this showed that they were waves, not particles.

Later, he proved that certain metals would emit electricity when struck by light, but only at discrete intervals of light energy. He theorized that this proved that, although light was basically a wave, this meant that it was a new type of thing that he called a "wavicle" with the properties of both particles and energy.

When a classmate of his challenged him to "fix the cloud chamber" (used for weather experiments), he theorized that the problem of occasional streaks of light showing up was because of invisible radiation, subatomic in size. Although this is accepted now, it was controversial at the time.

Folklore says that he disproved Trotter's dictum that "heavy objects fall faster than slow objects" by throwing a fat teacher and a thin teacher off the roof of the science lab and seeing who hit the ground first. (Actually, they were chasing him and slipped -or so Starswirl always maintained)

Starswirl did other things besides experiment.

Starswirl was the Captain of the Chess Team (As he had retired from tournament competition, the rules back then did not prohibit this). Oddly enough, they never lost a match. He was also on the Zen Sumo Wrestling Team, (telekinetic wrestling, with all movement prohibited) and went personally undefeated.

He even engaged in a few pranks. Having read that ponies will often be unable to eat food if it's strange colors, he got the kitchen staff to use food dye on a meal by convincing them that it was an experiment for a Psychology class term paper (Folklore says that the bribes helped). According to Starswirl's notes, Green was more acceptable than red or purple in terms of edibility.

To win a bet, he broke the "no pets" rule by converting the ceiling light fixture in his room into a fishbowl for a week.

He purchased a barbershop pole. Then he and a few friends carried it around town while wearing their school uniforms. Every time the police stopped them, they showed the police their receipt. Then, they demanded the officers' badge numbers, threatened that their parents' lawyers would be told, etc., etc. After a day or so, word had spread and the police stopped questioning them. That night, they went out in school uniforms and stole every barbershop pole in town.

They stole a rival school's mascot, and shipped it to the Griffon embassy as "a token of the friendship between our nations".

Oddly enough, the staff was glad to hurry him through the school's curriculum and see him graduate early. Folklore says that, as valedictorian, he was to deliver a speech but instead burst into song ("My Way" by Frank Sinatra. We can't link copyright material in stories, so it's in the author's notes)

Author's Note

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=lyrics+i+did+it+my+way&&view=detail&mid=646C3D8637B429586F78646C3D8637B429586F78&&FORM=VRDGAR

I said that it would be July, but I finished faster than I thought, so I'm posting it now

I remember reading the "add the numbers" incident happened to some Medieval philosopher but ICR who except that he replied "I didn't think of that, I just added them in my head"

The skunk was something that my father did, except that the classroom was empty.

MythBusters tried, and failed, to create an oscillator that would knock down a bridge.

On the other hand, destructive resonance may have knocked down the Tacoma Narrows Bridge near Seattle.

https://www.rebeccacantrell.com/the-story-behind-the-tesla-legacy/
Tesla was stopped before he actually destroyed the bridge. How close he came depends on "Who do you ask?"

"It is not the critic..." Theodore Roosevelt

I remember that the chemist who first tried to produce fluorocarbons found out that the reaction was an explosion, but ICR his name & couldn't find it on the Internet

"You will be..." Asimov, but I've changed it a bit.

Chapter 5 starswirl in the military

In those days, unicorns of a certain social standing were expected to fill a great many roles in society, including some time in the military (as an officer, of course). Therefore, such schools as there were had at least some military training. Marching, weapons drill, how to salute, etc. were all covered. Thus Starswirl believed that he was prepared to join the military.

So, after graduation, Starswirl went to join the military to get his service out of the way. The recruiting sergeant was filling out his form. He asked "Can you read?" (About 35% of recruits were illiterate, with another 30% "functionally illiterate". The army defined this as "unable to read well enough to fill out the enlistment papers without help.")

Starswirl replied "I'll have you know that I graduated as valedictorian of Neigh Orleans Academy of Secondary Education. I completed a 6 year course of study in under 3 years while never missing even 1 question on one test! I've had over a dozen books published on everything from Mathemagic theory to the principles of chess! I've had internationally acclaimed papers published on my groundbreaking work in Alchemy! Can I read?! That is not a question, that is a mockery of my contributions to the body of equine knowledge!"

Without a word, the sergeant picked up a rubber stamp and slammed it down on his paperwork

LITERATE

He said "Take this down the hall to your right for your medical exam"

As Starswirl later recounted "That is when I first began to suspect that my military service would not prove as congenial as I expected. The medical exam included my first proctology examination. After that, I no longer suspected -I was certain."
A proctologist examination includes: videoanoscopy (examination of the rectum to a depth of 6 cm); rectoscopy (examination of the rectum to a depth of 15 cm); examination of the anus by hoof. Complete proctology examination lasts about 40 minutes

Starswirl's first assignment was as assistant to the Quartermaster of an Army base Quartermasters are responsible for purchasing and disbursing supplies. This is usually done by having the enlisted personnel do it

Cleaning was done by homemade soap. This was made by soaking water through the cooking fire ashes to make lye, filtering out the soot as best as possible, then boiling it with left over cooking grease. Starswirl proved it would cost the Army less money to sell the lye and the grease, buy commercial soap, and use that. Plus, it would save a great many recruits a great deal of hard labor and keep them from breathing lye fumes. In addition, Starswirl used his own money to buy some commercial floor cleaner and demonstrated that it would do a better job of cleaning.

This led to a quarrel with the Quartermaster.
"Are you trying to tell me how to do my job?"
"Clearly, somepony has to"
"Well, you're wrong!"
"Why am I wrong?"
"You're wrong because I'm your superior officer and I say that you're wrong! What do you think of that, smart ass?"

Starswirl was clueless enough that he told his superior officer what he thought of that. "I think that is in the grey area between the ludicrous and the insane"

Starswirl was ordered to sweep the sunlight off the sidewalks all day, every day, for a week. He was then ordered to carry a small potted tree wherever he went and, when asked 'Why are you carrying that tree with you?' to reply 'It's to replace the oxygen I waste by continuing to exist'. He obeyed only because it was made clear to him that the alternative was a court martial for insolence and disobedience of orders. He carried the tree everywhere until he was transferred away from that base.

For some odd reason, his schoolyard nickname of "Spat" followed him into the military.

For his next assignment, he was assigned to the Inspector General's office as what would now be called a "systems analyst" but was then called an "efficiency expert" The idea was to break up every complex task (such as moving supplies) into simple steps, each one timed. It was believed that this would spot bottle necks and at least show where the delays were in the procedure.

They would also do the same for accidents, to try and spot the cause and render the job safer.

One day Starswirl was reporting to his boss and said
"Sir, we have an insurmountable problem."
"This is the Royal Equestrian Army, Mister! There are NO problems here! There are only opportunities to EXCEL! Do you read me mister?! "
"SIR! YES SIR! Sir, we have an insurmountable opportunity"
He was transferred on the grounds that "there are no problems here".

For his next assignment, he was assigned to a small outpost far away from anywhere. He was both a company commander as well as company quartermaster. As company commander he made a request upon the company quartermaster--himself--for something he wanted. As quartermaster he denied the request and gave an official reason for doing so in writing. As company commander he argued back that he was justly entitled to what he requested. As quartermaster he stubbornly continued to persist in denying himself what he needed. Starswirl requested the intervention of the post commander (perhaps to diffuse the impasse before it came to blows). His commander was incredulous and he declared, "My God, Lieutenant Starswirl, you have quarreled with every officer in the army, and now you are quarreling with yourself."

His biographers usually conclude that he had spotted a discrepancy in regulations and this was his way of pointing it out. A few have concluded that this was a sign of deep mental problems, and a few have concluded that this was his idea of a joke. (There is some overlap between the last 2 groups)

About this time, Starswirl began his controversial writings, a series of nine articles and a number of letters to his fellow officers. The articles, "Notes on Our Army," published anonymously (as "A Subaltern"), included specific attacks on the policies of the general in chief, whom he called a "vain, petty, conniving pony." There were also numerous attacks on Army administrative policies and officers. He included thoughtful recommendations on a proposed structure for the Army general staff, which were echoed in reorganizations that occurred later, but were ignored at the time.

While Starswirl was on leave, he was called to testify before the Commission on Public Expenditures. He was ordered not to testify, in defiance of the subpoena. He attended anyway, and provided a great deal of testimony about procurement.

Starswirl was arrested and court-martialed for disobedience to orders and disrespect toward his superior officers. Starswirl conducted his own defense and turned the trial into a condemnation of the military. He was found guilty, but an official reprimand from the Secretary of War and suspension at half pay for two months were relatively mild punishments, and Starswirl was not deterred from future criticisms of his superiors

Even Starswirl's staunchest supporters admonished him for his quick temper, general irritability, and tendency to wound innocent ponies with barbs thrown during his frequent fits of anger. His reluctance to praise or flatter was exceeded, we are told, only by the tenacity with which, once formed, he clung to an adverse impression of a college.

His actions established Starswirl's distinction as the most cantankerous pony in the army. He had been court-martialled and convicted; he had been censured by the Secretary of War, the adjutant general, and the commander of the Eastern division. No other junior officer could boast of so many high-ranking enemies. Both the commander of the Third Artillery and the commanding general of the Royal Equestrian Army hated Starswirl. His future in his regiment and in the army seemed most uncertain.

Nor was he any more beloved by the soldiers who served under him. There were at least 2 attempts made to murder him. Starswirl had his suspicions as to who was responsible, but was unable to gather sufficient evidence to prove his suspicions.

When his minimum term of service was completed, Starswirl resigned his commission. He always considered this to be his most profound failure and seldom talked of it. Previously, whatever his mind had conceived, he had achieved. He suffered setbacks along the way, but in the end he succeeded. This was his first taste of failure and he hated it

Author's Note

Starswirl's military career is based on parts of Braxton Bragg's career.

As a child, I read the "insurmountable opportunity" in Reader's Digest.

The soap incident happened to Frederick Pohl, as I remember reading it in his autobiography

Chapter 6 Military Quotes From Starswirl

When asked why he published his articles under a penname, he replied "When it came time to publish them, I discovered a hitherto unsuspected streak of modesty in my character. I was not modest all over, but I was modest in places and claiming credit for those articles was one of the places. So, I used a penname."

"You're obliged to pretend respect for people and institutions you think absurd. You live attached in a cowardly fashion to moral and social conventions you despise, condemn, and know lack all foundation. It is that permanent contradiction between your ideas and desires and all the dead formalities and vain pretenses of your life which makes you sad, troubled and unbalanced. In that intolerable conflict you lose all joy of life and all feeling of personality, because at every moment they suppress and restrain and check the free play of your powers. That's the poisoned and mortal wound of the military world."

"Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor; and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and their freedoms."

"The second best army, the one that is good, but not good enough to win, is the most expensive luxury in the world"

"A nation that has nothing but contempt for its military will soon have a military worthy of nothing but contempt."
Flash Magnus to Starswirl

Author's Note

Samuel Clemmens explanation for adopting the pen name Mark Twain (for money, he had written some humorous articles mocking some people that he knew)

"You're obliged...." Octave Mirbeau

Flash Magnus quotes were Heinlein

Chapter 7 Still Further Quotes From Starswirl

"I have been called a curmudgeon, which my obsolescent dictionary defines as a "surly, ill-mannered, bad-tempered fellow." …. Nowadays, curmudgeon is likely to refer to anyone who hates hypocrisy, cant, sham, dogmatic ideologies, the pretenses and evasions of euphemism, and has the nerve to point out unpleasant facts and takes the trouble to impale these sins on the skewer of humor and roast them over the fires of empiric fact, common sense, and native intelligence. In this nation of bleating sheep and braying jackasses, it then becomes an honor to be labeled curmudgeon."

"Only two things are infinite, the multiverse and stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean that I don't understand. I see it all perfectly: there are two possibilities, one can either do this or do that. My honest opinion and friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it, you will regret both."
Starswirl's advice to a fellow round table member who was contemplating leaving their spouse.

"See this? It is a tall, pointy hat. You can argue with me, but you can't argue with a tall, pointy hat. It is why we wizards wear them." Told to Mistmane

"Early in life, I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose honest arrogance and have seen no occasion to change"

Chapter 8 Quotes About Starswirl

"Starswirl published his recipe for disaster -- mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot from the pan."

Chapter 4 Further Quotes From Starswirl

"You say that I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am vast, I contain multitudes"

"Walden Pond said 'Most ponies lead lives of quiet desperation.' "
"So what?'
"So, shut up"
(To a classmate during an argument)

"You've heard of the "Graveyard of the Elephants?"
"You mean the mythical place that elephants supposedly go to die? Of course."
"This cafeteria is where old grease goes to die."
(Expressing his opinion of the school's food)

“It is not the critic who counts; not the one who points out how the strong stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the one who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is no effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

"Ponies who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

"Arrogance, pedantry, and dogmatism...the occupational diseases of those who spend their lives directing the intellects of the young."

Author's Note

Some of the quotes are from https://www.azquotes.com/quotes/topics/curmudgeon.html

"It is not the critic..." Teddy Roosevelt

"....I contradict myself?... Walt Whitman