It was a few minutes past noon when the doorbell rang. Minty cracked open an eye and looked at the clock – it was too early to get out of bed. Her eyes flew open when she remembered she was supposed to get a delivery. A graduation present to herself for finally completing her courses at Canterlot University. Something to fill up all the empty space in this home she was renting in Ponyville. She rolled out of bed, her long pink hair getting tangled in the blankets, dragging them along behind her as she rushed to answer the door.
When she finally made it to the door, there was a massive box waiting for her. Of course there was no sign of the delivery pony, so that meant she was on her own for getting it inside her house. She pushed. She pulled. She dragged. In the end it came down to an epic battle between legendary earth pony strength and endurance and a really heavy box. The really heavy box won.
The excitement slowly faded as Minty exhausted her reserves of strength. All told she’d moved the box two meters. It was time to concede defeat – she needed help carry it in. As luck would have it, her neighbors were home. She knocked on the twins’ door.
Inside the house, Flitter and Cloudchaser lounged on opposite ends of the couch.
Some1 @ door
U get it. I got the last 1.
🙁 Whatever! Without peeling her eyes away from the screen Flitter called out, “It’s open!”
“Hi! I bought a new stereo and I was wondering if the two of you would help me carry it in. It’s heavier than I expected it to be.”
“Stereo? That’s so last week.” Flitter rolled her eyes.
“SFC! You’re still listening to music on a stereo?” Cloudchaser’s jaw dropped, but she didn’t turn to look at either her neighbor or her sister.
“SFC?” asked Minty.
“She doesn’t even know what SFC is!” Cloudchaser laughed. “Sweet filly Celestia. Try to keep up with the acronyms, LOL.”
“LOL?”
“Laughing out loud,” Flitter responded, never looking up from the screen of her phone.
“What cave have you been living in? Everypony plays music on their phones now.”
“Phones? The salespony didn’t mention anything about phones when I was there last week.”
“They just came out two days ago. Everypony’s got one now.” Flitter held up the device for Minty, but before the mint mare could examine it, the pegasus put it back in front of her face. Mintys hopeless. We should totes take her shopping.
4 sure!
Minty looked back and forth between the two pastel orchid pegasi on the couch. Every time one would stop hitting the screen the other’s device would ding. “Are you two sending messages to one another?”
“It’s called texting.” Cloudchaser stood up, muzzle still buried in her phone.
“But you’re in the same room. You’re sitting on the same couch!”
Flitter also rose to her hooves. “Forget stereos. We’re totes taking you shopping.”
“We’ll like get you set up with like the latest and greatest gadgets!”
“Totally! Bring your bits and junk!”
“I’ve got my bits, but I don’t really have any junk. I mean, except for the garbage I’m going to put out to the curb tomorrow night…”
“SFC, she took that literally.”
“I know, right?” Flitter nodded.
Minty scratched her head as she followed the twins out their front door. Neither was looking anywhere but their devices, now seemingly permanently attached to their hooves as they hovered. She could have sworn they used to talk relatively normally. Well, the ‘likes’ and the ‘totally’ and all that weren’t new, but the abbreviations were. Where had they picked that up?
They trotted to Barnyard Bargains, where the pegasus sisters led her to the newly expanded electronics department. The wall of stereo units that had been there just a week prior was now relegated to a single row. And three different salesponies tried to sign her up for three different wireless plans simultaneously.
Tuning the salesponies out, she looked over at the next aisle where the records which had previously dominated the entire aisle were now sharing space with cassette tapes, compact discs, and MP3 players. “What are these things?” she pointed to the latter three music formats.
“These are cassettes. They replaced records last Saturday. The discs are CDs, they replaced cassettes on Tuesday. And these are MP3 players. They just came out yesterday.” Cloudchaser picked up one of the MP3 players. “And now phones have pretty much rendered MP3 players obsolete.”
“So the cassettes and CDs that just came out less than a week ago are already obsolete?”
“Yup! Technology waits for nopony, Minty!” Flitter picked up one of the records and giggled. “Records are so passé they’re already making an ironic retro comeback!”
Nopony was ever going to accuse Minty of being a genius. No one would even claim she was brilliant. And the only pony to ever claim she was ‘above average’ had been deceased for over a year, though without his advice and motivation she would’ve never graduated college. But even Minty could see the sheer ridiculousness of replacing an entire music collection three times in a single week. For her entire life, records had been the only format for enjoying music on your own terms, not the whims of a DJ or program director at the radio station. Records had been the preferred format when her parents were born and the only viable format when her grandparents had been born. They’d been invented when her great-grandparents were fillies and colts. They’d survived for more than a century with no competition at all. And now, within the span of a week, their replacement had been replaced thrice over.
It didn’t make sense. It seemed like a tremendous waste. And somehow she’d missed all of this. How? She’d heard about the ‘latest & greatest’ stereo just last week. She’d placed her order for one the very first day they were available, because she hadn’t been willing to get up early to be at a store first thing in the morning and by the time she did get there, they were backordered a full week. And her new purchase was already obsolete before she even got it out of the box. She didn’t have a phonograph, personally. She’d learned a long time ago she was too clumsy to keep something that fragile around. She had been hoping that the stereo, being somewhat larger and heavier, would also prove to be more durable.
The twins were talking to one of the salesponies, and they started heading in Minty’s direction with him. “This is Sales Pitch, and he’d like to talk to you about a mobile plan. We’re going to hook you up with the best plan – the same one we got for ourselves!”
Sales Pitch grabbed Minty’s hoof in his own, shaking it. “Pleasure to meet you, miss. I know phones are new, and cell phones only came out this morning, so I’m operating under the assumption you’ve never operated one before.”
“I’ve seen them.” She motioned to Flitter and Cloudchaser standing off to the side.
“Of course, my two favorite customers! My three favorite customers now.” He winked and hoofed her a cell phone. “This is our top of the line model. It has voice activation, so you don’t even have to press buttons anymore. Not like the ancient models we were selling this morning.”
“Hey! Our phones don’t have that!”
“Well, I’m sure I could renegotiate your contracts to account for new phones. Of course, the early termination fee will apply, but I’ll waive part of that, and add the upgrade charge to your monthly statement. It’ll be broken down over twenty-four months, so you’ll barely even notice it’s there.”
Sales Pitch turned his attention back to Minty. “Activate.” The phone in Minty’s hoof turned on at his command. “You try. Tell it to call your friend here.”
“Call Flitter.” The phone’s screen flashed, then went black.
“That’s odd. Looks like the battery died. Let’s try another one.” He hoofed her a different model of phone. “This is one of our old school units, so you’ll have to manually enter the number. Just press the numbers on the screen.”
Flitter repeated her number three times as Minty struggled to line her hoof up to tap the numbers on the screen. The twins made it look so easy, but her hooves were big and the screen most definitely wasn’t. The second phone gave up the ghost halfway through Minty’s third attempt to dial Flitter’s number.
“Yeah, I think we’ll stick with voice-activated phones for you. Let me charge this battery back up… That’s weird, it looks like this phone is completely fried.” He took the second phone back from Minty and confirmed that it, too, had burned out. This mare seemed to be causing the deaths of any electronics entrusted to her. He needed to test that hypothesis with something worthless. “Would you do me a favor? Change the channel on that stereo over there.”
“Which one?”
“Any of them.” Nopony bought stereos anymore, so it would be no great loss if the worst happened.
Minty walked over to the nearest stereo display unit and pushed the channel button on the front. She was rewarded by the subwoofer exploding. She ducked for cover, as did the twins.
“You don’t normally see that kind of behavior from home appliances. I must say you have an interesting way with electronics. Maybe you shouldn’t invest in a phone after all.” He’d lose a sale, but he’d gladly take the hit in commission if it meant avoiding lots of future warranty work.
“Oh.” Minty’s face fell. “I take it I shouldn’t bother opening the stereo that got delivered today either?”
“Just bring it back, and we’ll take care of it. You’ll get a full refund.” He turned his attention back to the twins. “Now, about those voice-activated phones…” He trailed off – they were gone. He sighed; that had been a very expensive ten minutes and now he wouldn’t even get an upgrade out of it.
Flitter and Cloudchaser were nowhere to be found when Minty made it out of the store. Not that she could blame them for bolting when the stereo exploded. “All I did was touch it.” She frowned and decided to get lunch.
She trotted into Sugarcube Corner and was pleasantly surprised to see Twilight Sparkle and Applejack were also eating. She sat down across from them and started telling them about her day so far while waiting for Pinkie Pie to come and take her order.
Y’all hear a dronin’ buzz?
Must be Pinkie Pie talking. Just 🙂 & nod. Let’s check her Facehoof wall & we’ll know what’s going on faster than listening to her.
She finished explaining what happened and Twilight answered with ‘uh-huh’ and never looked up from her phone. Minty rolled her eyes and wondered what was taking Pinkie Pie so long. She was always there to greet customers as they came in. Normally, Pinkie would’ve already given her a menu before she even got to the table.
Getting nowhere with Twilight, who was too busy researching to carry on a conversation, she walked up the stairs to Pinkie’s room. “Pinkie Pie?”
“In here!”
Minty poked her snout into Pinkie’s room and saw the party planner engrossed in a tablet. “I have more than 10,000 friends on Facehoof! Can you believe it, Mints?”
“Of course, Pinkie. Everypony loves you.”
“I have more friends than anypony else on Facehoof! Oh, I know! You need to join Facehoof and friend me!”
Minty nodded, promising to join the website as she let herself out. Pinkie Pie, the friend she’d moved to Ponyville to be closer to, would be of no help. Nor would Twilight Sparkle, likely the smartest pony in town. It was a good thing they weren’t her only friends in Ponyville.
Her stomach growled as she trotted down Ponyville’s main street, reminding her she hadn’t actually eaten at the bakery. With similar experiences at two other restaurants, she cut her losses and stopped home, making a sandwich as quickly as possible.
Finding Rainbow Dash hadn’t been as challenging as she’d expected. The prismatic pony was lounging on a park bench, tapping away at her own phone.
“Whatcha doing?”
“Writing Daring Do fanfiction! I post it to the Daring Do website I created: Rainbow Dash’s Radically Awesome Daring Do Fan Page!”
“I’ll have to check that out sometime.” Minty laughed nervously and started slowly backing away from Rainbow Dash. There’d be no help coming from her either. Once she was safely away from Rainbow Dash she galloped straight for Carousel Boutique. She let herself in, but wasn’t greeted with Rarity’s normal singsong ‘Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique, & magnifique!’
“Hello?”
“Oh, sorry, darling, I didn’t hear the bell chime. I was just working on my Equinterest page.” For the first time all day, a pony actually broke away from their screen and turned to face Minty. The two ponies made eye contact for almost a whole second before Rarity averted her eyes back to the screen. “Is there something I can help you with? Perhaps a new dress to brighten up selfies?”
“Selfies?”
“Of course, darling!” Rarity’s horn glowed and Minty was dragged next to her. Her phone levitated out in front of them and a flash went off. “Voila!” The device hovered in front of their snouts for a second, as Rarity displayed the image of them together. “Oh my, perhaps that’s not the best facial expression. What say we try that again, hmn? And this time smile. Oh, or better yet, duckface!”
Minty tried her best to follow Rarity’s commands as she clicked dozens of pictures of the two of them. Finally satisfied with one, she posted it to her Facehoof page. “Pinkie Pie just liked it. Oh! And Twilight Sparkle. And Sweetie Belle! And Applejack just commented saying we look silly. She’s jealous she doesn’t look this good. Now where were we? Oh, right, I was going to assist you with finding the perfect dress!”
Rarity’s corona once more lit up, and Minty found herself wearing a frilly pink dress. There was no denying it matched her mane. She gazed into the mirror as Rarity took pictures from several different angles. Then Rarity magicked off that dress and swapped it out for a new one. The process repeated fifty-seven more times before Rarity finally ran out of ‘just one more, darling!’ things for her to try on.
Minty stood there dazed as the last dress was carefully removed from her body and neatly slipped back onto a hanger.
“I apologize for the impromptu modeling session, but I really need to get these dresses posted to my Jennetsy store and it’s so hard to get Rainbow Dash to stand still long enough to pose. Besides, she’s been busy writing Daring Do self-insertion fanfiction so who knows when she’ll be available. But feel free to select your three favorites as compensation.” Not waiting for Minty to pick, three dresses levitated their way over to the mint green earth pony. “Personally, I’d pick these three if I were you.”
With that, Minty found herself standing outside Carousel Boutique with three dresses on her back and only vague memories of how she got there. She looked from the dresses to the boutique and back again. Rarity wasn’t going to be any more helpful than anypony else she’d tried. She sighed and trotted down the street towards Toola Roola’s studio. One of her best friends, she was positive the mare would be too busy painting to get caught up in all this internet nonsense. “Toola?”
“In here, Mints. I’ve gotta show this to you.” Toola let out a laugh. “Today may be the best day of my life!”
Minty nodded. Toola was sensible. Toola would never let herself get distracted… Her thoughts trailed off as she saw the screen in front of the young artist.
“BrabantArt. This site is amazing! I upload my art and ponies can buy it. Oh, not like one of my paintings…” she motioned a hoof towards the canvases adorning her wall. “I can sell the same artwork time and time again. All somepony has to do is select the ‘print’ option and its bits in the bank for me! I’ve already sold this piece fourteen times! And I only uploaded it this morning. Can you believe that?”
“No.” Minty barely restrained herself from whimpering. “Doesn’t that take away from the uniqueness?”
Toola Roola shrugged. “I suppose. But if somepony wants an original, I’ll gladly sell it to them. I take commissions – for a price.”
“That’s great, Toola.”
“And I’m meeting artists from all over Equestria. Right now I’m texting the famous pegasus illustrator Stormin’ Dockwell out in Mane. He does illustrations for the Filly Scouts and a bunch of magazines.”
Send pix - would 💗 2 paint u
“Eeeee!” she squealed. “He wants to use me in one of his illustrations! Quick! Take my picture!” She tossed her phone to Minty, who completely missed catching it. It clunked to the floor behind her. Minty and Toola both stared at the phone, which had somehow managed to survive the incident with nothing more than a slightly cracked screen. Knowing full well it would break further if she touched it, Minty let Toola pick it up. “In hindsight, I really should’ve thought that through…”
Minty slipped out while Toola was examining her phone for damage. She looked at the sky and grinned. It was overcast – and she knew one pony who never left the house when it was cloudy.
“Thistle?” She knocked on the mare’s door and getting no response, let herself in. “Thistle Whistle?”
“In here.” Minty followed the voice to Thistle’s bedroom. She was splayed out on the bed watching a video on her tablet. “Hey Mints, what’s up?”
“Nothing much,” Minty lied. “Whatcha watching?”
“A Bobtail Hoss painting seminar. He’s painting happy little trees and fluffy white clouds.”
“But aren’t you terrified of clouds?”
“Not now. Not after watching this. How can anypony possibly be afraid of these cute little clouds? I mean, if they’re dark and stormy clouds with lightning then yeah, I can see being scared of them. But these? Nah.”
Minty scrunched up her face as she watched the screen. Bobtail had managed to paint a landscape in mere minutes. “You should really show this to Toola.”
“You’re right!”
Yo, Toola! Check out this link – this artist is right up ur alley!
With Thistle distracted with texting Toola Roola, Minty made her escape. She was officially out of friends. There was one acquaintance she had left to try. One of Pinkie’s friends, though Minty had met her a few times previously. Hopefully often enough that she wouldn’t startle the easily spooked Fluttershy. She dropped the dresses Rarity had given her off at her house on her way out to the shy pegasus’ cabin.
As Minty trotted towards the home at the edge of the Everfree Forest, she took note of how deserted the streets and skies were. The weather team had blatantly disregarded clearing the sky of clouds. Blossomforth was the only pegasus she saw in the sky, and she was lounging on a cloud with a tablet in front of her muzzle. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were scampering about, also with phones in front of their snouts. Not paying attention to where they were going, Sweetie Belle walked straight into a fountain, flipping over the rim and into the water. Scootaloo managed to catch the whole thing on video with her own phone, while Apple Bloom just stood there laughing at her friend and begging Scootaloo to post it to EweTube. Sweetie responded by splashing her two friends before jumping out of the fountain and lunging at the orange pegasus filly. Apple Bloom was too busy filming their tussle to try breaking it up.
Minty sighed and walked over to the Crusaders. She reached down and picked Scootaloo up by the scruff of her neck. The filly struggled to get away from her but Minty held on tight. “Girls.”
“Minty.”
“Is this any way to treat your friends?”
“But Minty! We’re just actin’. We want to get a bunch o’ views on EweTube with our videos.”
“Yeah! And ponies doing stupid things while they’re distracted is a great way to get hits! Distracted ponies walking into things is the most popular meme on the internet right now! Like the stallion who walked straight off a balcony and landed in a swimming pool three stories below.”
“And there was the filly who was so busy texting she completely missed her turn in the gymnastics finals.”
“And fighting! Lots and lots of fighting. Ponies love drama.” Scootaloo grinned. Minty released her hold on the pegasus and she fluttered to the ground.
“Oh. Sorry for breaking up your script.”
The Crusaders laughed. “No problem. Having the fight broken up by an adult makes it all the better. Hey, if we get you a Royal Guard uniform would you do it again?”
“No.”
“Phooey. That would make it look even more realistic. Thanks for the help!” And with that the three fillies scampered away towards their clubhouse. Minty cantered down the deserted streets. It was unnatural. Ponyville in the middle of a spring afternoon should have hundreds of ponies out enjoying the weather. Instead, she had the road to herself. It didn’t take long to reach Fluttershy’s. Much to her surprise, the door was opened by Fluttershy’s pet rabbit.
“Um, hi. Is Fluttershy here?”
The rabbit just motioned for Minty to follow him, so she did. He pointed to the couch, where Fluttershy was staring at a tablet screen. Minty deflated. Even Fluttershy.
“Hi Fluttershy. I, uh, know you don’t know me all that well, but I’m one of Pinkie’s friends and well….” She trailed off. “What are you watching?”
“Kitty videos on EweTube.” She squealed in delight. “So adorable! I just wish there were more bunny videos. But we’re going to change that, right Angel?”
The rabbit nodded as he hammed it up for a camcorder.
“Huh, I guess I’m a little surprised. What with so many other ponies on the internet, I figured you’d be the last pony who’d want to go online.”
“Oh, I love the internet. It allows me to interact with other ponies normally with the anonymity of not actually knowing those other ponies. It’s perfect for a recluse like me.”
Minty nodded. “I’ll let you get back to that then.”
It was a long walk back to Ponyville. Minty couldn’t find the motivation to go at anything close to a reasonable pace. She was out of ideas. Everypony else liked their technology, but the devices didn’t last long enough for her to see what all the fuss was about. She passed Barnyard Bargains and was surprised to see a pair of long lines snaking out of the building. “What’s this line for?”
“The newest phone comes out in ten minutes!” It was Lyra Heartstrings who answered her.
“What’s that line for?” She pointed to the even longer line across from them.
“The next phone after this one comes out in thirty minutes. I only got up this close to the door because half the ponies ahead of me got out of this line to get into that one. I’ll skip that one and get the next one after that in an hour or so.”
Minty facehoofed. If nopony in Ponyville could see the insanity of such a statement, she’d just have to go to Canterlot and talk to the princesses. Instead of heading home, she made a beeline for the train station. She somehow managed to tear the mare in the ticket booth away from her phone long enough to get a ticket on the next train up the mountain.
The train was due at 5:17 PM. It arrived at 5:23, blowing past the station without stopping. Minty sighed as she watched the train slowly back up the rails towards the station. With how far the train had overshot the station, how long it took to stop, and how slowly it was reversing, it would take at least twenty minutes for it to be back at the station. She hadn’t seen the conductor since the train was traveling so fast, but she had a sinking suspicion she knew what he’d been looking at, and it wasn’t the scenery. And now her life was going to be in his hooves. She had never yearned to be a pegasus before, but suddenly the thought of being able to fly to Canterlot was appealing. Instead she climbed aboard once it was safe to do so and hoped for the best.
Minty wiped some strands of pink mane out of her eyes as she took her seat. The train was mostly unoccupied, and the few ponies traveling with her were completely engrossed in their devices. Minty turned and looked out the window instead. To think, just a few short hours ago she had desired to join them with a phone of her own. Now though, she was glad she didn’t have one. Her problem had gone from ‘find a cure for technology hating me’ to ‘find somepony else who doesn’t have a phone’ in that span of time. Her last hope was Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. She hated to bother them over something so trivial, but if anypony could offer her guidance, it was the rulers of Equestria. She watched farms and forests pass by the window. The scenery was gorgeous, not that anypony else noticed it.
Amazingly, the train stayed on the tracks all the way to Canterlot. She wasn’t sure if that was because the conductor was paying attention as the train went up the steep slopes of the mountain, or if the train just couldn’t go up the incline fast enough to be dangerous.
Amazingly, everypony disembarked the train without incident. Including Minty, who didn’t need external distractions to have an accident. The streets of Canterlot were slightly busier than those of Ponyville. Considering the substantial size difference between the former and the latter, the trickle of activity here underscored the direness of the situation even more than the complete lack of activity in Ponyville.
She cantered to the castle, encountering no resistance at all from the Royal Guards. She walked into the castle and even into the throne room without being stopped or announced.
I hear hoofsteps.
I looked up last time.
Nuh-uh!
Uh-huh!
Nuh-uh!
Uh-huh!
Probably just a maid anyway.
Usually is.
“Um, hello? Princess Celestia? Princess Luna?” She approached the thrones as the two princesses sat there, staring at the phones in their respective magical auras.
“You must be the royal masseuse.” Luna stood up and lay down on the floor in front of her throne. “I seem to have developed a nasty kink in my neck at some point today.”
“Umn, no. I’m just a pony with a concern. Is Day Court open? Or Night Court?”
Both princesses checked the time on their phones.
“Day Court.”
“Night Court.”
The responses were as simultaneous as they were opposite.
“Neigh sister, it’s only 7 o’clock. Night Court doesn’t begin until eight.”
“And Day Court wraps up at 5:00PM.”
“Then maybe you could both help me? Please? It’s about all these devices.”
“Wonderful things, aren’t they? We were a little concerned about them when they first showed up, but they’re truly indispensable. I can’t imagine living without them.”
“I have no idea how we did so for so long, sister. Had we had these back in the day, I wouldn’t have needed a thousand-year timeout.”
This was decidedly not the reaction she was hoping for from the diarchy. “Aren’t you worried about how distracting they are?”
“Twilight did some research on that. Hold on, let me check her school’s website.” Princess Luna navigated her phone to the correct page. “Here we go: productivity has reached record lows, and accidents are up to levels last seen when Discord was in charge. Despite that, overall happiness is up 87% and attempts to overthrow the government are down to near zero.”
“Where are these gizmos all coming from?”
“Gizmonks Communications.” Celestia pulled up the company’s address on her own phone. “They’re in Fillydelphia. You’ll need to take this with you.”
“Is this some sort of super-secret weapon I can use against them?”
“Neigh, it’s a sack of bits to cover the royal internet bill. Somepony has gone over their allotted bandwidth.”
Luna glared at Celestia. “Had somepony sprung for the unlimited plan, like I suggested, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“And had I listened to you and set up automatic withdrawal via PayPalomino, you’d drain the entire treasury playing that ridiculous game.”
“You’re just jealous I have a higher score than you.”
“And how many bits have you spent getting that score? Meanwhile, I’ve spent none.”
Luna responded by sending her a sister a text of an emoticon of a tongue sticking out. Celestia ignored it to read a different message. “A text from Ember. She wants to host a summit in the Dragonlands. Prince Rutherford and Thorax have already confirmed.”
“Even the yaks and dragons have cell phones now? This is getting out of hoof…” Having gotten all the information she was likely to get out of the princesses, Minty turned to go. But she cringed at the thought of taking the train down the mountain. She could take a zeppelin but the thought of a distracted pilot was even worse than a distracted conductor. Either way there was a crash and burn, but the blimp added the extra variable of falling into the mix. “I, uh, don’t suppose I could take one of your pegasus chariots to Fillydelphia?”
“Hmn?” Luna looked up from her mobile. The candy wasn’t going to crush itself. “Sure, whatever you need. Take this.” She hoofed Minty a royal seal and went back to her game.
Minty trotted to the row of chariots. Two Wonderbolts sat idly by, playing with their phones, awaiting orders which hadn’t come all day. Minty recognized one of them immediately. “Surprise!”
The distracted pegasus jumped ten feet in the air and glided back down. “Wow, Minty, you scared the horseapples out of me.”
Minty giggled. More importantly, Surprise had left her mobile phone laying on the ground. She quickly put herself between the blonde-maned pony and her device. She held up the royal seal. “I need transport to Fillydelphia immediately.”
Surprise blinked. Usually they only escorted the princesses, or other ponies on royal business. Minty going somewhere on royal business? That seemed highly implausible. But the seal was authentic, and the thought that Minty could somehow overpower the princesses and all their guards seemed even more unlikely.
Sensing her friend’s disbelief, Minty held up the sack of bits. “I need to pay the princesses’ internet usage bill. It’s apparently higher than they thought.”
Surprise nodded at that. She could feel their pain. She wasn’t looking forward to getting her own bill in the mail. She reached for her phone but Minty knocked her hoof away. “Hey!”
“No phones. If you’re flying, you’re paying attention.”
“I’m not leaving here without it.” Surprise put her hoof down.
“Then it goes in your saddlebag, and the saddlebag goes in the chariot with me.”
Surprise whined and Minty glared at her. “Do you want me to tell the princesses you’re refusing to carry out a royal decree?”
Surprise whimpered and slipped into the chariot’s harness. “Fine, but when we land I’m getting it out again.”
Minty cringed internally but kept her face as straight as possible. A challenge for her, even under the best of circumstances. “We’ll see about that. I may require your assistance.”
“To pay a bill?” Surprise cocked an eyebrow.
“They, uh, they might demand even more money.”
Surprise nodded. That was logical. Gizmonks Communications had only been selling their services and products for a week, but they already had a bad reputation when it came to price gouging and customer service. They had a monopoly, so they could quite literally charge whatever they wanted and get away with it. Surprise looked to the saddlebag containing her phone. It was totally worth it, no matter the cost.
Night had fallen. Minty was grateful that at least the princesses hadn’t forgotten their responsibilities in moving the sun and moon. Surprise flew them over the Everfree Forest as they headed east towards Fillydelphia. Minty settled back into the chariot to relax. The still of the night was broken by the sound of thunder. Movement in the corner of her eye caught Minty’s attention, and she turned to see three massive bats flying towards them. “Thunderbats!”
Before Surprise could even turn to look, the chariot was rocked by the first boom of thunder from the bats’ echolocation. Surprise wasn’t the fastest of the Wonderbolts, but she was both the sneakiest and the most maneuverable. She ducked down below the canopy and the trio of bats followed. Booms of thunder increased in frequency as the bats drew closer to them. Surprise whipped around trees and other obstacles. Unfortunately, bats were just as maneuverable as the pegasus mare, and the echolocation was superior to her eyesight in the dark. She couldn’t outfly them.
“Faster! They’re gaining!”
“I can’t go any faster, Minty! But I’ve got an idea!” She skimmed across the waters of a bog, and four heads snapped up from under the surface to grab at them. Surprise bolted straight up and the trio of thunderbats swarmed around the hydra.
Minty watched the apex predators duel as Surprise carried them to safety. “That was close.”
It was nearly midnight when they finally landed in Fillydelphia, but the lights were still on in the Gizmonks Technology Center. “We should get a hotel for the night.” Surprise pulled her phone out of her saddlebag and started looking for vacancies.
“Lights are on. I’m gonna try the door and see if it’s open.” There was no answer as Surprise was fully engulfed in her phone once more. Minty pushed the door open and stepped inside the empty building. With luck she could find the information she needed quickly and report her findings back to the princesses. She trotted up to a handy map of the building. One thing was for sure, whoever was in charge wasn’t concerned about security in the least. The lobby was setup with a restaurant and a gift shop, both of which were already closed for the night. The production facilities were spread out over the next three dozen floors, then the labs, and finally offices on top few floors. The directory indicated all but a few offices on the top floor were still unoccupied. The only two with names indicated CEO Gonk and President Glouda.
Minty climbed the steps, trying her best not to make much noise. Each floor of the factory was entirely automated. She watched as raw materials went in and finished phones came out and were packaged. Each machine spat out a finished phone every second. She did the math. Well, she tried to, anyway. All that mattered is it meant there were lots and lots of phones being made here.
Most of the floors were dedicated to phone production. Several others were setup to make tablets. A few were making personal computers. And one had recently been producing MP3 players. That production line was in the process of being dismantled.
Minty was tired of climbing stairs by the time she got to the first of the floors dedicated to labs. She was now forty stories in the air. But for the first time in the hour she’d spent exploring the building, she heard voices. She slowed to a crawl. The hallway wasn’t carpeted, so there was nothing to muffle the clip clop of her steps. She peered through the window on the door to the lab.
“Project Hypnosis: Ongoing Nationwide Enslavement release 15.6 is ready for beta.” Glouda held up the phone for Gonk’s review.
“What new features does this PHONE have?”
“I added twenty-seven new variations of the same game and some filters to the selfie mode. Now everyone can take normal pictures and make them silly.”
“Ohhhhh, that’s a good one. Keep coming up with ideas. We wouldn’t want our slaves to become bored, now would we?”
“Of course not, Gonk.”
Minty had heard enough, but now she was faced with a dilemma. The gizmonks were obviously evil. But their creations had some benefits too. If she destroyed their hard work, a lot of ponies were going to be upset. But if she didn’t destroy everything they’d built, the entire population of the globe would be enslaved to their devices forever. As far as she could tell, she was the last holdout. Even the princesses had been unable to resist the allure of all their shiny devices.
If she were unicorn, maybe she could capture the two primates without having to destroy anything. If she were a pegasus, maybe she could overwhelm them with speed without having to break things. But she was an earth pony, and a klutz to boot.
There were things Minty liked: socks, the color green, mints. There were things she was good at: growing mint, drumming, and archeology. Her newly issued diploma proved that last one. But if she was being honest with herself, there was something she was even better at. She sighed. Something that was going to come in very handy in the next few minutes…
Kimono had once called her an unstoppable force of nature. Daring Do, not particularly known for taking painstaking care of her own archeological digs, wouldn’t let her go on expeditions with her anymore. And her parents had forced her into continuing her education specifically to get her out of the family mint business.
She had two courses of action: walk out, and pretend she’d heard nothing, or charge in and set Equestria and the rest of the world back decades in technological advances. There was no guarantee their inventions could be recreated. Part of her hoped they couldn’t.
“Eliminate gadgets!” Minty burst through the door and the two primates scrambled away from her. She ran and jumped. She whirled and she twirled. She bucked and swished her tail. Gonk and Glouda rushed after her ineffectively. Glass smashed and metal crumpled as Minty was in her element, doing the one thing she couldn’t possibly mess up: destroying things.
Glouda jumped on Minty’s back and the pony bucked, trying unsuccessfully to throw her off. Glouda’s fingers grasped Minty’s mane hairs tightly. Glouda was trying to steer the mare right towards her brother.
Gonk, meanwhile, had picked up a hammer from his workbench. As Minty approached, he swung it at her. When recounting the story later, Minty would say she ducked to dodge the swing. In reality, she just happened to trip at an opportune time. The hammer instead struck Glouda, knocking her off Minty’s back once and for all.
Minty hopped up on the workbench and started smashing everything on top of it. Anything fragile was kicked to the floor. Anything durable was stomped. And a great many devices simply stopped working for good just because she was in the nearby vicinity.
When the dust cleared, Minty lay on the floor panting for breath. The gizmonks lay under a pile of broken tablets. And there wasn’t a single functioning gadget in the entire laboratory. Sparks of electricity from a broken device set the laboratory ablaze and Minty found herself galloping for the door.
As she reached the door she stopped to look behind her – the gizmonks were still trapped. Panic was in their eyes as the fire increased in intensity. Minty was no hero, and the gizmonks were certainly bad creatures. And yet, Minty couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. She rushed back in and bucked the pile of broken gizmos off them, scooped them up, and set them on her back. Then she made for the door as quick as she could.
“Is there anybody else in here?”
“No. Just us.”
“You should’ve left us in there. Our life’s work is gone.”
“I couldn’t let you die. But I couldn’t let you enslave everypony either. You could’ve just made money. Oh gosh, the way everypony loved your products, you would’ve been the richest creatures in Equestria. But no, that wasn’t good enough for you, was it? You just had to try and take over the world too. You’re bad monkeys, or whatever it is you are. And the princesses can decide what to do with the two of you.”
Gonk and Glouda tried slipping off Minty’s back, but it was no use. The pastel green mare was ready for them. She shot them a look that promised pain if they so much as tried to make a break for it. Resigned to their fate, they settled down in the chariot as Minty tied them up.
“What happened in there? My phone stopped working and then the place just went up in flames!” Surprise whistled as she surveyed the destruction. “Gizmonks Technology Center is the tallest building in the city, and it’s completely engulfed.”
“Your phone’s never going to work again. And you have this meddling mare to ‘thank’ for that.” Gonk scowled at Minty.
“Our servers were in there. The studios were in there. Our lab was in there. The Wi-Fi tower is on the roof,” Glouda added. “Computers, phones, everything. They’re all useless now. They’ll work, but what’s left for them to do? Now there’s no way for them to access the internet. No more shows being transmitted. Nothing at all.”
“Ponies are clever. We’ll figure out some way of making them work again. But if it makes you feel better, go ahead and blame me. Everypony else does, so I’m used to it.”
“Yeah, that’s legit. We even had a whole ‘Blame Minty’ meme going on for a little while on Facehoof,” Surprise reminded the others she was still there.
“You know what’s funny? I spent most of yesterday wishing I had a phone. I went through two phones and a stereo unit before I realized technology and I don’t mix. In a way, that left me the only pony who could see through you for what you really are. It would’ve been so… so easy to just get lost in the same trance as everypony else. I wanted to so badly. Herd mentality runs strong with ponies. But you already know that, and you exploited that weakness. I wanted to just turn and walk away when I heard your evil plans for global domination. I want my friends to be happy, and they all seemed so happy playing with their gizmos. Even if I’d never get to experience them for myself, I didn’t have the heart to take that away from them. But I realized my friends wouldn’t be happy as mindless puppets. What were you going to do when you took over the world, anyway? You already had an amazing source of income. Was it the power? The fame? Just because you could? Fear that somepony would try and take it all away from you?”
“I could ask the same of you. Why’d you break into a legitimate business and set it on fire? The way I look at it, you’re guilty of trespassing, breaking & entering, destruction of property, and arson. And slander.”
“Look, this is way above my pay grade. You’re all under arrest and the princesses can sort it out.” Surprised huffed as she dropped her now useless phone back into her saddlebag.
The Ponies Of Equestria Vs Peppermint Jessica Wintergreen
Minty looked outside her bedroom window. Everything had a pinkish tint to it, a side effect of being encased in one of Shining Armor’s protective bubbles. In theory, nopony would be able to get in or out. Regardless, outside the bubble an entire battalion of Royal Guards stood at the ready. The longer she stayed under house arrest the less sure she was that they were there to keep her in, so much as keep everypony else out. An angry mob of ponies and other creatures stood on the other side of the barricades the guards had set up. They were carrying signs that she really didn’t care to look at. None of them were very positive messages as far as she was concerned. And she was pretty sure the giant effigy of her they’d made was going to be set ablaze at some point.
She broke down in tears as she watched her entire world crashing down around her. Her trial was scheduled for the next day. None of her former friends had even attempted to reach out to see how she was doing. Her parents had publicly disowned her. She’d not be receiving the best lawyer money could buy with her parents’ fortune. Instead, her public defender was, well, Minty had been on the receiving end of being called ‘incompetent’ enough times that she really couldn’t find it in herself to use the term on anypony else, but he was certainly inadequate. Yes, that was a good word to use. She had no idea how he’d passed the bar exam.
Minty spun around as a flash of light and popping sound indicated a teleport directly behind her. She prepared for the worst. Any unicorn powerful enough to get through all the wards placed over her house would most likely be an undefeatable opponent for her. But she’d go down swinging, welcoming her inevitable defeat and the oblivion that would follow. Regardless of the outcome of tomorrow’s trial, her life was for all intents and purposes over. Even if she ‘won’ there was no way the ponies of Equestria would ever forgive her.
But it was no unicorn that stood before the mare. “Star Catcher?” Minty blinked at the pegasus duchess in confusion. “What are you doing here?”
“Righting a wrong. Several wrongs.”
Minty lowered her head. “At least they sent you. I… I can accept justice coming from you. You know I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt anypony. Whatever you need to do to me, go ahead. Send me to Tartarus, I won’t fight it. I…I did what I had to do.” Tears streamed down her cheeks but she no longer cared. The happy-go-lucky Minty everypony knew was dead and buried.
Star Catcher wrapped a wing around her longtime friend and nuzzled her. “I know, Minty. And I’m here to prove it. I’m your new lawyer. Why don’t you tell me what really happened?”
Minty poured her heart out to her friend, and Star Catcher levitated tissues to her as needed. Minty was prone to rambling, and more than once Star Catcher had to steer her back on track by asking relevant questions. But after a few hours she was satisfied with what she’d heard. When they were done, Minty had one of her own.
“What happened to the gizmonks?”
“Their assets were frozen and they’re currently confined to the dungeons under Canterlot Castle. Their trial will take place after yours. If you’re found guilty, the prosecution will drop all charges against them. If you’re exonerated, however, their case moves forward. And we’ll be seeking the maximum penalty against them.”
“And that is?”
Star Catcher sighed. “You’re not going to like this.”
“Try me.”
“Attempting to overthrow the government happens so frequently it’s now classified as a misdemeanor. If found guilty, they’ll be sent to the School of Friendship for rehabilitation. The charges against you are far more serious than the charges against them. You destroyed infrastructure in an act many ponies are calling an example of domestic terrorism. You claim to have been on a mission authorized by the princesses and had the documentation proving it, but neither Celestia nor Luna has memory of sending you, which would constitute treason. And that’s not even including the little stuff like assault, fraud, and arson. I can’t emphasize just how serious this is. Even if you’re found not guilty, there’s a strong possibility the gizmonks will launch a civil suit against you, assuming they’re also exonerated.”
Minty gulped. “And if I’m found guilty?”
“I’m not sure. Normally I’d say Tartarus, but there was a breakout recently, and we’re not entirely sure it’s as secure as we thought it was. If it comes to that, I’ll do my best to get you sent to the School of Friendship for rehabilitation. But I wouldn’t count on that being an avenue open to you. Twilight Sparkle is one of the ponies angriest about the loss of information and communication. She’s looking forward to working with the gizmonks to restore their technology, whether it be part of their rehabilitation via her school or acting as a consultant should they walk free.”
The futility of her actions hit her like a ton of bricks. “So basically, no matter what happens, I failed?”
Star Catcher nuzzled her again. “I wouldn’t say that. You’ve opened my eyes to the problem. I have a confession. You know how everypony thinks I’m omniscient? While you were in Fillydelphia, I was notified you were in trouble. But I ignored it. I could’ve been there. I could’ve helped. Instead I was too caught up in designing a webpage for the Duchy of Cloudsdale.” Star Catcher hung her head in shame. “If you’re convicted, I’ll never forgive myself, Minty. And I’ll keep the fight against the gizmonks going with all the power of the duchy behind me.”
Star Catcher wrapped both wings around Minty and pulled her in for a tight hug. “Some of your friends are still supporting you. We believe in you, and you’re fortunate to have so many friends in high places. We won’t let the worst happen to you. Trust me.”
“I always trust you, Starry. My fate rests in your capable hooves.”
The next day Minty was escorted into Canterlot City Hall by the Royal Guards. Pinkie Pie was seated as close to the defendant’s table as possible. Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and a very reluctant Twilight Sparkle were alongside her. Flitter and Cloudchaser were there, as was Thistle Whistle, and most of her friends from Canterlot University. Toola Roola was notably absent. The temperamental artist might not be as quick to forgive as her other friends. Sitting in the back row were her parents, their lawyer right next to them. They were all doing their best to look everywhere but at her. Trust her parents to protect their own interests instead of their daughter. They were using her cutie mark as the logo on all their products. If this trial went poorly for her it would force them to rebrand, assuming they hadn’t already. Minty took her seat next to Star Catcher.
“All rise.”
Everypony stood up as Princess Celestia strode into the room.
“You may be seated. Now hearing The Ponies of Equestria versus Peppermint Jessica Wintergreen. Will the defendant please rise?” Minty got to her hooves as Princess Celestia read the list of crimes she stood accused of. Her knees buckled under the weight of the princess’ words, and it was only the intervention of a few of Star Catcher’s ever-present butterflies that kept her standing.
Opening statements were a blur to Minty as she struggled to focus. Her mind was everywhere but on the trial. Today could be her last day of freedom. She could be banished from Equestria. She could be sent to jail or even Tartarus. She wanted to go outside and roll in the grass in case she never had the opportunity to do so ever again.
“The prosecution calls Gonk to the stand.” The gizmonk was sworn in and the prosecutor, Trotter III, continued. “Gonk, it says here you’re the founder and CEO of Gizmonks Communications. Is that correct?”
“Not entirely. I’m the co-founder with my sister Glouda. But I’m the CEO and she’s our current president.”
“Describe the events of the night in question.”
“Glouda and I were working late coming up with new features for the next phone release. You know how quickly we like to introduce new products to keep things fresh. Or I should say, how we liked to. Past tense. We had twenty-seven new games to offer, but that wasn’t the big news. Glouda had just come up with a filter for selfies that would allow you to manipulate the images right there on your phone. Googly eyes, big grins, cartoon effects. All kinds of neat little things. We were about to release it for beta testing when a mare broke into the room and screamed ‘eliminate gadgets’ at the top of her voice and then completely thrashed our lab in a few short minutes.”
“Is that mare here in the courtroom today?”
“Yes. Her!” Gonk pointed to Minty.
“And had you ever seen this mare before? Was there possibly some kind of grudge between you?”
“We’d never seen her before. It was almost midnight, and we weren’t in the habit of locking doors. Equestria’s a lot safer than our homeland. At least we thought it was.”
“Do you have any idea why she did it?”
“No. I’m hoping to get that answer before she goes to jail where she belongs.”
“No further questions, your Highness.”
Star Catcher stepped up for cross-examination. “Mr. Gonk, the actions of the defendant aren’t in question today. She fully admits to doing everything you said.”
“Then she admits she’s guilty!”
“Which leads us to why she did them. Minty believed she was acting in the best interests of Equestria at the time. Are you aware of just how addictive your products are, Mr. Gonk?”
“Objection! The witness isn’t on trial.”
“Yet,” mumbled Princess Celestia. “Relevance?”
“To establish the motive of why my client acted as she did.”
“Overruled. Please answer the question.”
“We never did any research into that.”
“As a former owner of several Gizmonks products, I can say without a doubt that I was unable to put them down. It seems the only pony in Equestria unaffected by your products was my client. And she came to your place of business to ask you some questions and then she overheard a few things. Would you please explain what ‘PHONE’ stands for? It’s not short for telephone, as some ponies think.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“No further questions.”
“The prosecution calls its second witness, Sales Pitch, to the stand.” Sales Pitch was sworn in and he continued. “Mr. Pitch, you interacted with the defendant earlier in the afternoon of the day in question, is that correct?”
“Yes. She came in to purchase a phone.”
“And while she was in the store did you notice anything unusual?”
“Yes.”
“Such as?”
“Every piece of electronics she touched stopped working. She fried two phones and one of our display stereos.”
“No further questions, your Highness.”
Star Catcher looked at the witness. “You work for Barnyard Bargains in Ponyville?”
“That’s correct.”
“When my client spoke with you that day, was she alone?”
“No. She was with some pretty twins.”
“Are those pretty twins in the courtroom today?”
Sales Pitch looked around and spotted them a few rows behind the defendant’s table. “Yes.”
“Is it possible you may have been more focused on the ponies you just admitted strike your fancy than my client?”
“I don’t mix business and pleasure.”
“In your line of work, have you observed any malfunctioning gadgets that originated from Gizmonks Communications? Stereos, phones, tablets, anything at all?”
“No.”
“And why would that be, Mr. Pitch?”
“Ponies tend to replace their phones every few hours when new ones come out.”
“So defective phones would most likely be discarded long before a defect was found?”
Sales Pitch scratched his head with a hoof. “I guess. I’m not sure what that has to do with anything though?”
“No further questions.”
Trotter III stood up once more. “I could call more witnesses. I could call Glouda to the stand, but all she would do is corroborate Gonk’s story. But there’s no reason to. What we have here is a clear case of a jealous mare deciding that if she can’t have technology, nopony should have technology. A delusion that should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. The prosecution rests, your Highness.”
Star Catcher stood up. “The defense calls its first witness. Cloudchaser, please take the stand.” Cloudchaser was sworn in and Star Catcher continued. “What’s your relationship with my client?”
“My sister and I live next door to her.”
“Is it true that you accompanied the defendant to the store on the day in question?”
“Yes.”
“And why did you do so?”
“Minty had purchased a new stereo, and we showed her our phones and told her to forget about hooking up the stereo and just go wireless instead.”
“At any time during that afternoon did either you or your sister look up from your phones?”
“Well, no.”
“Not in your house, not on the way to the store, not even at the store itself?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Would you go so far as to say you were addicted to your phone?”
“I…I…”
“It’s okay to say ‘yes’. It’s not illegal to be addicted to technology. I’ll fully admit I was addicted to my own devices.”
“Then yes. Yes, we were.”
“And did that perhaps hinder your interactions with the defendant in any way?”
“Possibly.” She paused and reconsidered. “Probably.”
“Did the defendant maliciously destroy any electronics at the store?”
“No.”
“No further questions.”
The prosecutor stood up. “But you admit that electronic devices stopped functioning in her presence?”
“Yes.”
“No further questions, your Highness.”
“The defense calls its second witness. Peppermint Jessica Wintergreen, please take the stand.”
“Wait, am I supposed to stand or sit? I mean there’s a seat there, but it’s called a stand. I’m so confused.”
“Just sit down. I’m going to ask you some questions, and you answer them to the best of your abilities. Did you destroy the Gizmonks Technology Center?”
“Yes.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I went there to get answers as to why devices explode around me. I also wanted an explanation as to why everypony suddenly found their devices more fascinating than interacting with friends and doing the things they loved. While I was there, I overheard one of them refer to phones as ‘Project Hypnosis: Ongoing Nationwide Enslavement’. I’m not the smartest mare in the world, but it wasn’t hard to put two and two together when all my friends were acting like mindless zombies. Even the princesses.” She looked over to Princess Celestia. “Sorry, your Highness.”
“And breaking their devices and destroying their technology snapped everypony out of it?”
“Yes. It was the only thing I could think to do. I’m not a unicorn. I don’t have an easily manipulated magical field that could just grab them without breaking anything. I’m an earth pony. I’m built rugged and my magic gives me great strength. I don’t know what I would’ve done if that hadn’t worked. If Surprise hadn’t been so distracted with her own device, maybe she could’ve overwhelmed them with speed. But I couldn’t get her to come in with me.”
“Did you deliberately set the fire?”
“No. It started when one of the gadgets started sparking.”
“Knowing what you know now, and knowing how much trouble this has caused you, would you do it again?”
“Yes.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because it was the right thing to do. Even if my friends never forgive me, they can at least live their lives again. Even if I’m exiled or banished or imprisoned, it was worth it to rescue my friends.”
“No further questions.”
“So you admit to your crimes, Miss Peppermint Jessica Wintergreen?”
“Please just call me Minty. Every time I hear my full name I assume I’m in trouble. And now everypony in Equestria is going to know my full name, so instead of saying ‘Minty, Minty, Minty’ they’re going to start using it and then it’ll be like when I was a filly and Mama would yell at me for doing something wrong.”
“To be fair, you did do something wrong.”
Minty whimpered.
“Do you have any idea how much trouble you’re in, young lady?”
“Kinda. I mean, arson’s pretty bad and my lawyer dismissed it as a minor charge compared to the rest. I’m not sure what most of the rest means, but I get the feeling it’s not good.”
“My next question is really more for your lawyer, but she’s not on the stand. Why in Tartarus didn’t you plead insanity?”
“I’m not insane. At least I don’t think. Then again I don’t think about a lot of things.”
“Obviously, or we wouldn’t be here today.” He paused. “Wait. Are you intentionally feeding me set-up lines?”
“What now?”
“You know what, I’m not getting anywhere here. No further questions your Highness.” He grumbled as he took his seat.
“The defense would like to call its next witness: Sunset Shimmer.” The orange pony swayed unsteadily on her hooves as she approached the witness stand. Once she was sworn in, Star Catcher continued. “Sunset Shimmer, could you provide some background on who you are, where you live, and your qualifications as to why you’re here today?”
“I was once Princip…Princess Celestia’s protégé. I was her star pupil, but being young and stupid, I decided I knew more than my teacher and decided to go my own way. A way that involved going beyond Equestria to an entirely different world. A world not unlike ours, but where the dominant species is a primate, much like Gonk, who you heard from earlier. If I seemed a little unsteady on my hooves, I assure you that’s not because I was hitting the cider too hard, but rather because I’m used to standing on two legs most of the time. The portal from our world to theirs transforms you from pony to human or from human to pony when you cross it. The point is, I live in a world where the technology the gizmonks have recently introduced you all to is common.”
Sunset pulled a phone and a tablet out of her saddlebags. “My phone has limited capabilities in Equestria. Since there are no cell phone towers, I can’t phone home.” She chuckled. “Sorry, that’s a reference to a movie none of you have ever seen. But the neat thing is I can play that clip for you on my tablet since I saved the video before coming here.”
”E.T. phone home.”
“My world’s had this technology for decades. We have things the gizmonks haven’t even dreamed of. What that means is that an entire generation has grown up using these devices. And I go to school with many of them, and in the years I’ve spent there, I’ve become quite adept at using them too. I’m going to manipulate the video I just showed you.” She held up her cell phone. “With the princess’ permission, I’d like the defendant to trot from her seat, to the window, say what’s on this sheet of paper, and then trot back.”
“I’ll allow it.”
“Thank you, princess.” She held the phone up and recorded Minty as she walked in the specified loop. She fumbled a bit with her hooves as she manipulated the footage. “Forgive me, this is taking a little longer than normal since hooves are a lot harder to work with than fingers. Sadly, unicorn magic is useless with touchscreens.” She sighed. “Now that Equestria has been exposed to these devices, I feel it’s only a matter of time before somepony incorporates magic into this technology. From what I’ve seen of the gizmonks’ devices, they’re not magic-compatible.”
Star Catcher motioned to the witness. “While we’re waiting, I’d like to point out that Sunset is both manipulating a device and carrying on a conversation. She’s also looking up from the device. Sunset’s not looking at the outside world as a distraction from her phone.”
Sunset looked up. “Of course. Technology is supposed to make life easier. Yeah, even where I come from there are those who immerse themselves in it as an escape from the realities of the world. But they’re the exceptions, not the rule. Most of us manage to balance out the time we spend on computers or phones with time spent doing other things. For example, you go to an amusement park and you use your phone to take a picture of your friends on a roller coaster. Or you’re driving late at night and your car gets a flat tire. Oh, right, no cars here. Bad example. Uh, you’re out of town and your wagon breaks a wheel. You can call someone to come and repair or replace it.”
She passed the phone to the bailiff and instructed Princess Celestia on how to play the video. She watched Minty trot to the window, and then E.T. was spliced in with his line about phoning home. This was followed by Minty’s ‘reply’, “I hope you’ve got a really good long distance plan!” Then finally Minty trotted back to her seat.
Celestia turned to her former student. “You managed to do all that in a few minutes, while carrying on a conversation?”
“To be fair, that’s a really simple edit. I’m a bit limited without fingers, and I don’t think the court has all day to wait for me. Besides, these devices tend to make you really good at multitasking if you use them enough. Especially if you grow up with them.”
“So not mindless zombies then?”
“Well, there are a few people. It’s amazing how quickly some skills decline without use.” She laughed. “Sort of like trying to walk on four legs again. It’s a little disorienting at first, but it comes back to me. For a technological example, thanks to GPS, I never use maps anymore. I almost got lost just walking through Canterlot today. It’s been years since I last lived here.”
“GPS?”
“Global Positioning System. Imagine, if you will, a wagon that you don’t pull, but rather drive. Inside that wagon is a GPS unit.” She did her best imitation of a GPS voice. “In…two hundred feet…turn left onto…Hitchmond Way.” She giggled. “And then when you miss the turn the voice gets all grumpy at you: Recalculating.”
Rainbow Dash nudged Twilight. “That GPS voice sounds just like you!” Twilight just rolled her eyes.
Star Catcher once more took control of the courtroom. “Now that Sunset Shimmer has demonstrated some of the things she’s learned, I’d like to submit her testimony as an expert witness on advanced technology if there are no objections.”
“I’ll allow it.”
Star Catcher beamed. “So Sunset, how long have you been in Equestria?”
“About three days now.”
“During that timeframe, what have you been doing?”
“I’ve been reverse-engineering the gizmonks’ technology.”
“And what have you learned?”
“It would probably be easier to show you. Does anypony present have a Gizmonks Communications device on them?” About a dozen hooves shot up. “Princess, normally I’d ask you to select a pony at random, however, I think under the circumstances it would be more appropriate if the prosecutor does so instead.”
“I would agree.” The princess turned her gaze to Trotter III, who in turn pointed to a purple mare in the middle of the courtroom.
“Objection!”
Star Catcher facehoofed as the entire courtroom turned to look at Minty. “That’s Razzaroo. She’s a friend of mine.”
“Minty, Minty, Minty. I appreciate your honesty, but do be a dear and leave your defense to me.” She turned to the ponies gathered in the courtroom. “My client raises a good point. Would anypony who knows the defendant please put your hooves down. We want an unbiased sample.”
Princess Celestia levitated her own phone to Sunset Shimmer. “Would I count as unbiased?”
“I certainly hope so.” Star Catcher grinned.
“No objections.”
Sunset cracked the princess’ phone open and started tinkering with it. She sighed as she cracked her own phone open too. “I’m glad I got the warranty on this one. Looks like it’s about to have an ‘accident’.”
She held up the cases from both phones. “The external casing that protects all the important parts on the inside. Very similar shapes and sizes, and I have suspicions that at least one of the gizmonks has spent time on the other side of the mirror.”
She held up a pair of lens’. “For the cameras. They’re for all intents and purposes identical.”
Next she held up two tangles of wires. “These are kind of important. Neither of these phones is going to work without them.”
Eventually she held up the screens from both phones. “Identical, right?”
Ponies in the courtroom nodded.
“Nope.” She motioned to the one on the left. “This one’s mine. It’s a standard liquid crystal display, or LCD for short.” Then she motioned to the one on the right. “And this is Princess Celestia’s. It’s just a crystal.”
“I know this is rather unorthodox, but the defense would like to call another witness while the current witness is on the stand.”
“Objection.”
“Sustained. One witness at a time, please.”
“We need to demonstrate what this crystal is capable of, and we specifically need a pony trained in the arts of illusion to do so. She doesn’t need to be a witness, just a demonstrator.”
“Objection.”
“Normally I’d agree, but I’m curious to see where they’re going with this. Overruled.”
“Objection!”
Celestia banged her gavel. “I’ve made my decision. Don’t make me find you in contempt of court.”
“Will Trixie Lulamoon please step up to the stand. Trixie is a magician specializing in illusions, sleights of hoof, and tricks of the eye. Including hypnosis, is that correct?” Trixie nodded. Holding up the screen from Celestia’s phone, Trixie started moving it slowly back and forth. A number of ponies concentrated on the screen as Trixie moved it. She put it down and their attention was still on her. “Snap out of it.” Almost everypony in the courtroom jumped as Star Catcher broke into the Royal Canterlot Voice. Trixie picked up the LCD screen and started swinging it back and forth. Ponies watched it, but without the rapt attention of the other screen. When she set it on the table, everypony looked up.
“The ideal distance for an item used to hypnotize is eight to fifteen inches from the face. About the same distance most ponies keep their devices. If you’ll recall my client’s testimony on what PHONE actually stands for: Project Hypnosis: Ongoing Nationwide Enslavement. Thank you, Trixie. As you can see, the crystals used in the phone are entrancing. What else did you discover, Sunset?”
“A lot of the games use compulsion loops. The player performs an action and is rewarded, opening up another potential action and reward. The cycle continues endlessly. It’s repetition, but it’s so simple it’s addictive. To be fair, a lot of the video games in my world do the same thing. Yet, what we have here is a case of too much of a good thing. Water, for example. It quenches your thirst. It waters your garden. It cools you off on a hot day. It cleans you after a hard day’s work. In moderation, nopony’s going to argue against water being a good thing. But on the other hoof, drowning and flooding would be two examples of what happens when you have too much of that good thing.”
“So in your expert opinion, would you say the Gizmonks Communications phones are more addictive than a standard phone from your world?”
“Objection! Speculation.”
“Sustained.”
“Perhaps a demonstration is in order?” Sunset held up the innards of her phone. “I could put my phone back together and have a volunteer use it for a period of say ten minutes. It’s got limited battery life and I’ve got no way of recharging it while here in Equestria. Then I’ll replace my standard screen with the Gizmonks Communications’ screen and let the same volunteer use the phone for ten minutes.”
“I’ll allow it. Trotter III, does the prosecution have any volunteers?”
“I’ll do it myself, your Highness.”
Celestia called for a half hour recess while Sunset put the phone back together. Trotter III stood behind Sunset as she worked, while the rest of the gathered ponies took a break.
“Yay! Recess!” Minty and Pinkie Pie rushed outside to roll around in the grass.
Trotter watched the two mares zip past him to play outside. “You know, if you wish to enter an insanity plea, I won’t contest it.”
“She’s not crazy. And she’s not guilty, either. We’ll prove that when court resumes.”
“We’ll see about that. Enjoy your break, Duchess.”
When the trial resumed, Trotter III took Sunset’s phone and started using it. The controls were designed for fingers instead of hooves, but he quickly got a grasp on how it worked. “How much longer?”
“Nine more minutes.”
He grumbled and continued playing with the phone. Eventually the time was up and he hoofed it back over to Sunset. He watched her like a hawk to make sure she only changed the screen and nothing else. Satisfied, he took the phone back to his table. Moments later he was enthralled by the screen.
“Trotter III?” Princess Celestia tapped her gavel, not particularly hard. He didn’t look up. She looked to Star Catcher, to Sunset Shimmer, and finally to Twilight Sparkle. “This isn’t normal behavior, is it?”
“It shouldn’t be, no.”
Princess Celestia banged the gavel, causing Trotter III to jump. The princess’ corona glowed and she removed the cell phone from Trotter’s presence. “I think we’ve seen enough.”
Trotter reached for the phone as it was being pulled away and then stopped himself. He took a breath and composed himself the best he could. “In light of this demonstration, the prosecution drops all charges.” He turned to face the gizmonks. “I hope the two of you have a good lawyer. You’re going to need one.” Gonk and Glouda gulped.
“After reviewing all of the available evidence, I rule in favor of the defendant.”
“Before we wrap things up, there’s just one last thing.”
“Minty, you’re a free mare. What more could possibly need to be said?”
Minty hoofed a slip of paper to Celestia. After reading the note, Celestia had a single word. “No.”
“Please?”
Celestia snorted. “It’s not too late to sentence you to jail, Peppermint Jessica Wintergreen.”
“I’m not leaving this courtroom until you say that!”
“Case dismissed.”
Ponies came up to congratulate Star Catcher and Minty, but Minty just sat there dejectedly.
“What’s wrong with her?”
Star Catcher sighed. “She’s disappointed that Princess Celestia never said ‘order in the court’ the whole trial. Yes, she wanted to make that tired old joke.” The others groaned.
Minty’s parents sheepishly made their way towards her after her friends left. “Forgive us?”
“Why should I? With your support I could’ve had the best lawyer money could buy.”
“Instead, you had the best lawyer money couldn’t buy. I’d say that worked out better for you.”
“Your mother and I may have pulled a few strings behind closed doors. But if you want a fortune to inherit, we needed to do what we did.”
“It was the single hardest decision we’ve ever had to make. Love you, my little Mints.”
Minty hugged her parents. “Okay, okay, I forgive you. I can understand why you did what you did, even if I’d’ve gladly traded our entire fortune just to have had you there with me. I was so scared and all alone.”
Her mother pulled her tighter. “We’re never going to leave you again.” She kissed Minty on the forehead. “It’s not over yet. You’re going to have to testify against them so those horrible gizmonks will get what’s coming to them. But right now, you’ve got an image problem. And if you’ve got an image problem, so does Wintergreen Mints, LLC.”
“And that’s why I’m here. Now it’s time for the best lawyer money can buy to do his job. We have much to discuss on how to reintegrate you into society.”
Later that evening, after her family and the rest of her friends had finally gone home, Minty finally had a chance to chat with Star Catcher.
“Thank you.”
“No thanks needed. Like you, I was only doing the right thing. I knew you were innocent. Celestia knew you were innocent. The problem was you had already been tried and convicted by the court of popular opinion long before your official trial. We had to go through with the trial or you would’ve never been able to stay here in Equestria. And it set things up for Gonk and Glouda’s trial. It was your word versus theirs. In order to proceed with their trial, we had to establish that you weren’t guilty of any wrongdoing.”
“How did you know?”
Star Catcher sighed. “The butterflies, Minty. The ones that follow you and the rest of my friends and acquaintances around everywhere? They’re not insects, they’re bits of my magic. I can see and hear what they see and hear. And I can review them at a later date if I need to. The problem is try getting that considered as permissible evidence in a court of law. ‘The magic butterflies told me’ is a great defense, but only if you’re entering an insanity plea. Nothing stopped me from alerting the princesses though. And of course, since a princess had to hear the case, and all the princesses already knew you were innocent, the outcome was never in doubt. But we had to prove it. Not to Celestia, but to the ponies of Equestria. That’s who our audience was today. Now the media reports the events and the truth comes out. You’re a hero, Minty. You saved Equestria in your own unique way.”
“I’m no hero. I just did what I had to do. I was the only pony who could do it.”
“And you did it well. I also owe you a big apology. Had I been paying attention to my butterflies, I would’ve seen you were in trouble. I would’ve teleported in next to you. I could’ve brought the princesses. Or Twilight and her friends. And then we could’ve avoided all this. There would’ve been proof. There would’ve been witnesses. As it stands though, I think you were right. I think their equipment needed to be destroyed, otherwise none of us would’ve ever snapped out of it. We can rebuild the infrastructure – and this time, we’ll make it so it isn’t all-consuming.”
Minty chuckled nervously. “That’s gonna get expensive.”
“You have no idea. Stars above, Minty, trust me when I say you don’t want to know what the property damage bill comes to. The former Gizmonks Technology Center wasn’t owned by the gizmonks or Gizmonks Communications. They rented the space, and considering they had all the space in the tower aside from the restaurant and gift shop in the lobby, the real estate company that owns the building named it after them. The paper trail goes back years, Minty. They took their time and planned things out. The part we’re still trying to figure out is how they got the money to rent a skyscraper before they had a single product to sell. We’re hoping that comes out at their trial, but if not we may never know.”
“Who’s going to pay to rebuild it?”
“If they’re convicted, the assets of Gizmonks Communications will be liquidated, and in turn, that will be used to pay for the damages. The rest will come from the building’s insurance company. Anything past that will come straight out of the royal treasury.”
Minty nuzzled Star Catcher. “Thank you for everything.”
Star Catcher nuzzled back. “Thank you for saving Equestria.” She stood up. “I hate to go, but I really need to get back to my duchy.”
“Sunset.”
“Twilight?”
“You know, there’s an opening here in Equestria for a pony with their hooves on technology.”
“But my friends.”
“You have friends here too, you know. And don’t forget your family. You’re graduating high school soon. It’s an opportunity to come back home and live here. More than that, it’s a chance to make a real difference in the lives of ponies. Time to bring Equestria into the Information Age.”
“Give me one last summer with my friends. Twilight and Rainbow both have full scholarships… to different schools.”
“Rainbow Dash got a scholarship?”
“Athletics are rewarded far heavier there than they are here in Equestria.”
“Makes sense, I guess. What sport?”
Sunset laughed. “All of them. Soccer. Track & field. Basketball. Swimming. Even hockey. She turned down full rides at three other schools specifically because they didn’t have teams for all the sports. Rarity and Fluttershy are attending colleges specializing in their respective fields of interest. Pinkie Pie’s apprenticing at a bakery. And Applejack’s skipping college to run the family farm. Like it or not, we’re splitting up in another few months. Maybe not forever, but we’ll be drifting apart nonetheless.”
“And what about you? What have you been planning for yourself?”
“Well, I was kinda hoping to come home. It’s been years, Twilight. I miss Equestria. I miss my family. I miss Princess Celestia. She’s mellowed a bit from what I remember. Or maybe she’s always been mellow and I couldn’t see that way back then.”
“Maybe it’s a combination of both. Princess Celestia said you were headstrong and the two of you butted heads on a number of subjects.”
“Honestly, I took the opposite side of most debates just to get under her skin.”
“All right, Sunset. Take the summer to say ‘goodbye’ to your friends and your life in the human world. And while you’re doing that, start acquiring as many different examples of your technology as possible.”
“May as well spend my savings. Human money’s no good here.”
“You’ll be reimbursed in bits, of course, once you move here. And of course, any books you can buy on technology would be great. How to build it, how to repair it, how to use it, everything. We’re going to reverse engineer it and give Equestria a brighter future.”
