Solar Cooking With Tia

by DougtheLoremaster

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Celestia, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 2861

Pinkie talked trash to Celestia on the alicorn's cooking show. She'll never forget to Praise the Sun again.

ADULT COMEDY
In an alternate timeline, television and radio exist. Twilight rules the world, and the girls have settled down, married or otherwise. Celestia has retired and now hosts a cooking show, becoming an overnight celebrity. Turns out Celestia is a master craftspony at the art of baking, who knew?

Pinkie Pie won a chance to appear on national television in a radio contest hosted by Vinyl Scratch at PNY 4.69. All around the world of Equestria the news had traveled. All eyes from all over the planet were glued to the television to watch the relatively popular cooking show: Cooking With 'Tia. It was then Pinkie called Celestia "Sunbutt."

She will never forget to Praise the Sun again. No creature will. Celestia will see to that. Guaranteed.

Published 2019-06-06 20:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-06-06 20:50:01 UTC

Chapter 1

“Is it time, Twi?”

Placing a bowl of apple-flavored popcorn between them on the couch, Twilight’s magic held the remote aloft. Glancing at Applejack with a grin, Twilight responded. “It’s still five seconds away AJ, hold your horses, it’ll happen soon!”

Applejack froze with a hoof-full of applecorn next to her muzzle as she glanced disdainfully at Twilight. “Did you seriously just say that in an attempt to be punny, Sugarcube?”

***

On the other side of Ponyville Rarity and Rainbow Dash sat next to each other on a gorgeous red velvet love-seat; affectionately named the Drama Couch by Rainbow. Rainbow took a bowl of popcorn from Rarity. The latter seizing her opportunity, and Rainbow found her lap had become a pillow for Rarity to lay her head on. Laughing from Rarity tickling her thigh, the cyan pegasus picked up the remote and aimed it towards the television.

***

On the outskirts of Ponville, Fluttershy took the squealing tea kettle off the stove and carefully poured it into a pair of teacups. Out in the living room a voice could be heard calling out. “Oh do hurry Fluttershy! It’s almost time!”

Using her hindlegs to push open the door, Fluttershy called out. “On my way.”

She could then be heard speaking in the motherly voice she used with animals. “Angel grab that tray of sandwiches while I get your salad. Hurry up, Papa Discord is waiting!”

Discord watched as Angel the white bunny rabbit came in carrying an immense tray of sandwiches, staggering under the weight. Discord snaps his talon, and the tray appears on the table. Looking at Angel, Discord asked softly. “Good job, son. Where is your mother?”

Angel pointed to the kitchen and Discord nodded and once again snapped his talon. “Come now honey. The show is about to start and we are not missing this!”

The table Discord was sitting at filled with sandwiches, a bowl of salad and tea for Discord and Fluttershy. Fluttershy and Angel appeared at their spots and the television in front of all three turned on as they waited.

***

The lights on the stage were blinding in her eyes, as Pinkie Pie slowly cantered onto the stage to stand next to her former highness, the now retired Princess Celestia. Waving at the camera and giving a quick tail flick to indicate ‘time to start’ Pinkie watched as the same princess who was always calm, became excitable. Laughing and smiling Celestia called out in the legendary Canterlot Voice. “Welcome all to COOKING WITH ‘TIA! Everypony knows MY name but let’s welcome our guest. Contest winner and legendary baker of the one and only Sugarcube Corners; Pinkemena Diane Pie. Let’s all give a stamp of applause for Pinkie Pie!”

As soon as those words were spoken, the ground began to quake. The audience cred out. “What’s going on?”

Celestia laughed as her headset buzzed. “I-it would seem that everypony and creature, is indeed giving her a stamp of applause. Sister, all of Equestria is watching!”

“Well then, in that case let’s give them a show!”

Celestia grinned and turned to Pinkie. “I hear you are a great baker! Would you mind having a friendly baking competition?”

Pinkie looked around the stage in excitement as the crowd roared their approval. All that time. Celestia waved at the camera and Pinkie smiled seeing the now retired Lunar Princess; Luna standing there directing the crew workers and waving back at her sister. We never realized that all those cakes Celestia and Luna shared were baked by the Guardian of the Sun herself. Still, there is no way she can bake a better batter than me! “Alright then Miss Sunbutt, you’re on!”

The Celestial alicorn narrowed her eyes momentarily in annoyance at the way she had been addressed. Please don’t freak out! Luna was thinking in a panic. Much to her sister’s surprise however, Celestia smiled as her horn glowed golden yellow. Her voice carried a calm and sunny tone. “Alright then Pinkie, for this you’ll need a few items. Please wait a moment.”

With those words a rather high-end stove appeared before Pinkie. Seconds later a sack of flour, caramel icing in a baster, eggs, milk, butter and margarine, baking soda, and vanilla extract appeared on the counter that had materialized beside the stove. Celestia gestured at Luna who stepped in front of the two with a microphone hovering before her. Her voice was filled with excitement as she gestured to Pinkie. “Today on ‘Cooking with ‘Tia’ we have a treat for all our viewers! Pinkemena Diane Pie, former rock farmer turned baking party pony extraordinaire! They say this pink earthpony can prepare ANY type of cake even if she has never seen or heard of it before. Her baking prowess has been touted Equestria over as the greatest baker on the planet.”

Turning to the side, Luna then pointed a hoof at Celestia. “And the one and only Keeper of the Sun, herself, Celestia! This white alicorn with her legendary cutie mark has taken the cake making scene by storm thanks to her baking ability. Once a Princess and now retired, cough thanks Twilight cough, she has secretly been baking cakes for the past tens of thousands of years!”

Luna continued as her voice rose and boomed across the room. “Tonight these two juggernauts of confections, these connoisseurs of cakes and these Masters Bakers will face off in a single cake showdown.”

Celestia smiled sweetly at Pinkie as the pink earthpony, now wearing warpaint from who-knows-where, stared back intensely. “The rules are simple. One baker will make a cake at a time. The contestant will have just one hour each to make their signature dishes-”

Looking between the two, Luna continued and asked them. “Which mare would like to go first?”

Celestia gave a graceful and elegant bow and gestured a hoof at Pinkie.”By all means, you go first-”

The white alicorn’s eyes narrowed. “I insist.”

Before Pinkie could respond, Luna announced to everycreature in the audience. “It looks like Pinkie ,‘the party pony’, Pie will be the first to make her dish!”

Celestia smiled warmly for all to see as she hugged Pinkie Pie in a show of good sportsmanship. Pinkie Pie whispered to Celestia. “Well, good luck, Princess Celestia! You know I always thought the sun was overrated. Everypony knows the night time has the best parties. The moon is faaaar better.”

Pinkie froze and felt a sense of dread as she heard the icily silky whisper of Celestia, in her ear as they hugged. “You WILL regret mocking the sun, friend of Twilight. Make your cake, and as you do, remember this: 7 BILLION individual creatures around the globe are GOING to see YOUR experience of me DESTROYING you, LIVE. Hope you brought sunscreen. You will learn to praise the sun!”

She’s bluffing. There is no way I am going to let some washed-up has-been of royalty beat me. What can she possibly do to me...in front of? Billions...of...ponies? Normally oblivious Pinkie’s eyes widened as she realized that this match was not just being seen in Equestria but the literal world over. That’s a lot of...my friends are watching...I can’t fail. I’m, the best in the world, eveycreature says so...still… She felt a hoof on her shoulder. “Huh, what?”

She found herself gazing into Luna’s eyes as the mare repeated herself. “I said get to your oven; it’s time to begin the showdown!”

Pinkie stood in front of the oven and as soon as the timer began she began to move like lightning. Completely on muscle memory, Pinkie found herself engulfed in her own guilt as her body worked on autopilot to make the cake. That wasn’t very friendly. I shouldn’t have gotten so competitive Into the bowl went the flour, eggs, milk, yeast, and margarine. I went too far. As she greased up the pan and began to pour the batter, she continued, lost in her thoughts and deaf to the cheers of the crowd. I need to apologize. After I’m done with my cake, I’ll let her know I’m sorry for what I said. DING from the oven she pulled a fully iced triple layer pink icing cake. Celestia leaned over and whispered to Luna. “Where did she get the pink icing?”

Luna replied, just as baffled. “Forget that, how in the name of Twilight’s crown did she manage to pull a cake larger than the oven out of it, and fully decorated as well?”

The roars of thundering stamping could be heard and felt as the audience and watchers gave Pinkie a round of applause.

***

“That’s amazing!”

Sitting on the couch Applejack watched as Twilight ate the last of the applecorn. Picking up the empty bowl, AJ slowly rose to her hooves and began to head to the kitchen. Calling back to Twilight as she headed through the door, AJ asked her. “Come to think of it, did y’all ever figure out how she does that?”

As she sat there stretching her wings, Twilight called out. “Nah, it’s just Pinkie being Pinkie, what more is there to explain? By the way, can you make some more applecorn?”

The door to the kitchen swung open and Applejack peeked out, adjusting her stetson hat. “Already on it, my queen.”

Twilight smiled and stretched out on the couch. As she lay there a thought crossed her mind. By my crown, I love her. It’s good to be queen sometimes. With that, she turned her attention back towards the television.

***

“Oh Dah-ling that’s fabulous!”

Rarity lifted her head off Rainbow Dash’s lap and rose to her hooves. As she headed over to the doorway, Rainbow Dash called out. “Hey where are you going?”

Whipping her mane around, Rarity smiled at RD. “Oh dah-ling, to the shower of course!”

The cyan pegasus looked confused. “What about the show?”

Rarity laughed as she began to trot through the door. “Oh come now Rainbow. Pinkie has this in the bag, besides I need to cool down after such an amazing dinner.”

Rainbow Dash blushed momentarily before calling out. “Well make sure you bring me a towel on your way back so I can dry off!”

***

Fluttershy and discord sat on their couch together. Gently bouncing on Discord’s lap, Fluttershy spoke in an increasingly excited tone. “Oooh my DISCORD. Pinkie SURE has made a TOUGH act to follow, hasn’t SHE?”

Discord laughed and slightly grunting as he felt Fluttershy bounce up and down on his lap, answered her. “OOOOH yes, indeed. You know FLUTTERSHY, that party pony really makes my CHAOS look like Trixie’s stage MAGIC sometimes.”

***

Amidst the cheering, Celestia glared at Pinkie, and composing herself, slowly approached her. Pinkie opened her muzzle to speak only to find a well-manicured hoof pressed against her lips. “Not another word. I will show you the true glory of the sun, MY sun.”

With those words, Celestia approached the stage and signalled Luna to start the timer. As the time ticked away, she began to slowly and elegantly, almost as if it was a dance, prepare the batter. The audience ‘oooohed’ and ‘awed’ as they watched the spectacle. Even Pinkie found herself stunned by the grace of the white alicorn. As she poured the batter, Celestia’s words filled the auditorium. “You claim the moon is better, and with no offense towards my sister, I disagree. You see, I am not merely in adoration of the sun, Pinkie. I AM the sun. The celestial soul of that star brought to life.”

Setting the pan down onto the floor and turning her back to the camera, Celestia stared at Pinkie who stood by the oven, in stunned silence. Celestia’s horn began to glow as she continued. “I bring the gift of light to the world, the ability for ponies to grow crops. Now I cannot let such an insult go by the wayside. ‘The sun is overrated,’ you say? You dare mocked the sun; you dare mocked me. So now I’ll show you…”

Celestia’s horn glowed brighter as the light in the sky above the open-roofed stage grew brighter and brighter still. “Just how amazing the sun is!”

With that, as Pinkie’s eyes grew wider than a dinner plate, a massive ray shot down and slammed onto the pan. It caused the ground to shake and Celestia’s tail and mane to stand on end, crackling with energy. Celestia’s Canterlot Voice could be heard. “NOW PRAISE THE SUN!”

Bending down she picked up the superheated pan in her hooves to reveal a perfectly baked vanilla cake. “See I told you I would destro-are you listening to me?”

Pinkie’s eyes were transfixed above Celestia’s head as she stood there exclaiming. “PRAISE THE SUN!”

The audience echoed those words as if in a trance. “Praise the sun. Praise the sun.”

***

Applejack came out of the kitchen holding the bowl of applecorn in her hooves as she said. “Alright, your majest-WHAT IN TARNATION?”

Twilight was sitting bolt upright on the couch, wings fully extended as she muttered incoherently. Applejack followed her gaze and dropped the bowl to the ground with a loud THUD causing the applecorn to spill everywhere. Taking her hat from her head, AJ pressed it to her heart as she whispered. “Praise the sun.”

***

“Rainbow, dah-ling, I’m baaaaack~”

Rarity trotted into the room carrying the towel RD had asked for when she stopped. Before her eyes sat a very curious scene. Rainbow Dash was sitting stock still with her wings rigidly extended, wide-eyed and staring at the television with her face in full blush. “Rainbow what are you wa-”

Rarity turned to look at the screen and froze in mid-sentence. At that moment she began to blush and exclaimed. “Sweet crown of Twilight! Praise the sun!”

***

Fluttershy and Discord sat breathing heavily as both began to blush staring at the screen. Discord finally chuckled as Fluttershy shouted “PRAISE THE SUN!”

He responded with a grin, and silently thanking Twilight he thought to put Angel to bed earlier. “Ohohoho Praise the sun, indeed!”

***

The Celestial alicorn still in place, looked around. “What’s going on?”

Celestia’s headset buzzed with Luna’s voice. “Sister, you may want to move.”

Whispering into her headset, Celestia ask her what she meant. “What do you mean, Luna? What’s going on?”

“Look at the screen above you.”

Confused Celestia glanced up and saw it. Her eyes went wide, and she began to shake with shock. There on the screen was her marehood, completely exposed while her tail stood upright, still crackling with energy.

***

Weeks later, Celestia sat at the breakfast table eating some self-made pancakes. Luna trotted into the dining hall carrying a pink envelope and a mailbag on her back. Smiling Luna spoke to Celestia. “We’ve gotten several hundred letters from your fans. It would seem they Loooove the cooking show host.”

“Luna...stop…”

“And it would seem your number one fan has once again sent you another letter.”

Placing her head in her hooves Celestia spoke softly. “Oh for the love of Twilight…”

Luna was grinning ear to ear. “Would you like me to read it to you?”

“No just place it on the table...I’ll read it while I eat.”

Luna nodded and placed the letter on the table as she smirked. “I’ll leave you be, then sunbutt.”

Celestia glared at her. “Get out.”

Luna galloped for the door laughing. She was enjoying this. It had been a while since the night Celestia’s Sun had graced the entire screen of every Television in the world. Phones had been ringing off the hook of parents expressing disapproval, others were from insane fans of the display. Celestia had gotten letters from every corner of the globe, and the news still covered it, even now; declaring it the “Greatest Show on Equestria”. All were using the phrase "praise the sun."

Celestia looked at the envelope and opened it. Inside she found a letter, written in cursive, stating the following:

I am hosting a private party tonight, and you are invited to join! Your sun is truly worthy of praise and is a lot of fun as well! I promise if you show up, I will gladly praise your sun all night long, after dinner that is.
Come to Sugarcube Corners,
Just after Sundown
Your biggest fan, Pinkie Pie
P.S don’t forget the whipped cream; last time was amazing.

Celestia smiled, and making sure her sister wasn’t still around, gingerly placed the letter back in the envelope while slowly rising to her hooves.Trotting into her room, she held the envelope in her muzzle as she made her way to her mirror. Standing there she began to style her mane with a comb and suddenly laughed. “Well on the bright side, I guess I did get her to praise the sun.”

As she lowered the sun once more she began to speak. “Though...”

Grinning as she stepped out the doors of the house she and her sister shared, She began to trot down the pathway to Sugarcube Corners as she finished her thoughts out loud. “I suppose the night has benefits too.”