Perhaps We Should Coordinate Next Time
Princess Twilight Sparkle had a particular love for breakfast, so long as it wasn’t cheesy. Luckily, today was pancake day, so she not only had no need to worry about the offending dairy product invading her table, but she could also enjoy one of her favorite breakfast foods without a care in the world.
She had woken up a little late today – which wasn’t an issue since it was the weekend, but by the time she’d gotten up Spike had already finished his breakfast and left her a note telling her the pancakes were in the fridge. He’d be out playing with Discord and the others today, which was fine by Twilight. Let him have his fun, she still got her pancakes.
Her massive, skyscraper-like stack of pancakes would have been an impossible dish to enjoy in any standard abode, but the Map room of Friendship Castle was easily tall enough to accommodate the pillar. She was currently sitting in her throne, gorging herself on the endless supply of sugary goodness. To her side, there was a scroll that had come in late last night involving the allocation of resources to Ponyville for possible urbanization.
She would throw the scroll into the pile as soon as she was done reading it, seeing as she wasn’t about to do any work today for anything that wasn’t urgent, but she wanted to make sure the nobles of Canterlot weren’t trying to pull a fast one on her. They thought that she, being the young princess, would be stupid and malleable enough to fall for old tricks.
Clearly they had forgotten one of the subjects taught at Celestia’s School was law, which laid out all the general loopholes and tricks, making spotting them laughably easy.
Twilight Sparkle was no idiot, and these stuffed-up unicorns in Canterlot would know that soon enough.
But before she could get to that, she needed to swallow the largest bite of syrupy pancake fruity mix she had ever taken. She pulled it down…
…and it got stuck.
Really? she thought, more out of annoyance than anything. She dropped the scroll and started coughing – or trying to cough. Her entire esophagus was completely clogged by the delectable mass. She started beating on her chest with a hoof, but that didn’t do much either.
Twilight realized if she didn’t do something soon, she was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. So she lit her horn and did the stupidest thing she had ever done in her life.
She attempted to drag the pancake glob out with a sharp jab of her telekinesis. Instead, she crushed her entire windpipe in with a single, sickening crack.
The sudden pain mixed with the lack of oxygen knocked her unconscious. She fell forward, embedding her face into the stack of pancakes, tipping it over. It was still tall enough to hit the far wall when it fell, covering much of the Map room with syrup.
There was no one else in the castle at the moment, so no one heard the commotion. The only witnesses were not the sort to speak of the event: the roots in the ceiling, the lost pancakes, the Map table itself, and one very dead Princess.
Cause of death: pancake overreaction.
~~~
Princess Funerals were an exceptional rarity in Equestrian culture, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t a suitably bizarre tradition for them. The first thing to catch anypony’s eye when they opened up the scroll on Princess Funerals was to notice that the funeral happened twice. The first funeral would always be for the close friends of the Princess and was performed as quickly as possible for the sake of all those in grief. The second was a public affair that would have tremendous parades, an inflatable balloon of the Princess in question, and a bunch of other related preparations that Princess Luna had gone on record saying were “alarmingly festive.”
Naturally the second funeral was a government sanctioned thing that ponies close to the deceased would rarely attend, and if they did, that was probably a good sign that they either had to (which was the case with Princess Celestia) or had a bone to pick with the deceased, which had happened in the case of Princess Oceania’s husband Pitch Black about five hundred years ago.
The entire nation was under orders to never mention that story to Princess Cadence. Ever.
Fortunately, if anything could be said to be fortunate at a time like this, Twilight’s close friends didn’t have to worry about the public funeral for months. Such things always took forever to prepare, leaving a lot of government workers bitter and upset, which would no doubt cause a few bar fights with those who didn’t take kindly to words degrading a procession honoring their favorite and youngest Princess.
Today was the first funeral. A simple service held in the main hall of Friendship Castle, filled with Twilight’s many friends. Virtually all of them had spoken at length about her, and all of them except Applejack and Celestia had broken down in tears at one point while speaking. There had been so many tears the crystal floor was notably wet and salty. Pinkie had managed to fill a fishbowl that now had a small family of goldfish living happily within.
The funeral went as expected. Tears, laughs, stories told… but eventually it was over. Ponies left. Celestia left first, having kept her face impassive the entire service, even when giving her eulogy. Cadence and Shining Armor had to leave or they’d miss the train back to the Crystal Empire.
Eventually, only six ponies and a dragon remained.
“Well,” Pinkie said, eventually. “At least it wasn’t a quesadilla. She would have hated that.”
“Pinkie!” Rarity said, aghast, but also failing to suppress an amused snort.
“C’mon Rarity, don’t feel bad about the smile! She loved smiles!”
“Noooot creepy ones…” Fluttershy winced, backing from Pinkie.
There was silence once again as they all awkwardly stared toward the ornate, metallic casket that held Twilight’s body. During the start of the service it had been open, but Spike had taken one look at that and slammed it shut with a panicked scream. Nopony wanted to open it again.
“…Well,” Starlight said, suddenly. “I’m going to bed. I’ll deal with the items on the will tomorrow.”
“T-tomorrow!?” Rainbow shouted. “Why not now!?”
Starlight lifted up Twilight's last will and testament. “The first specific item on the list here is ‘take the enchanted boot I have hidden under my bed, go to Tartarus, and deliver it to Tirek’s face at high velocity.’ I’m not traveling to Tartarus right now.”
“Oh.” Rainbow sagged onto the ground. “Yeah. That’s fine.”
“Night,” Starlight said, walking up the stairs of Friendship Castle.
“…Is she going to Twilight’s room?” Rarity asked.
“Ah reckon she is,” Appplejack answered.
“…How dare she!”
“She does own the castle now.”
“But… but… that was her room!”
“Ah really don’t think she’d mind, Rarity.”
“She was too nice for her own good,” Rainbow grunted. “Ponies are walking all over her like… like… I dunno what it’s like but I don’t like it!”
“Easy there, Rainbow,” Applejack cautioned. “No need to go get your feathers in a twist. We’re here for ya.”
“Well, yeah! I… UGH! I’m done.” She spread her wings and flew out the front doors, leaving a trail of rainbow behind.
Applejack sighed. “Ah’ll go get her…”
After Applejack left, Pinkie shrugged. “Well, we all need sleep.”
“I will not be sleeping tonight,” Fluttershy declared, staring into the endless void of existence.
Pinkie pulled her close. “Scratch that, Fluttershy needs someone to stay up with her. That’ll be me. Bye Rarity!”
“B-bye…” Rarity said, waving half-heartedly as the two left, leaving only her and Spike. The small dragon was clinging to her leg, as he had been doing for most of the funeral. He looked so… so frail and pathetic, clinging to her like that. “Spike, dear, it’s time for bed.”
“I don’t want to sleep here,” he said, voice hollow. “I can feel the Tree watching me…”
“Spike, dear, the Tree isn-“ one of the walls in the back of the castle flashed the soft white of Generosity, interrupting her. “…On second thought, maybe it is. Tell you what, why don’t you stay with me and Sweetie tonight?”
Spike nodded ever so slightly. Carefully, Rarity levitated him onto her back and trotted out of the castle. She turned out the lights as she left.
The casket was alone in a dark hall.
Outside, thunder rolled…
~~~
“Six!” Pinkie declared, looking closely at the result on the die. “I get to go up a taffy ladder!” She moved her pawn across the game board and grinned. “Your turn, Fluttershy!”
Fluttershy was looking out the window of her cottage at the Everfree Forest, though Pinkie knew she wasn’t really looking at the forest, but the endless void of reality. The deep, draining emptiness that clawed forth whenever tragedy struck…
“Fluttershy, if you’re not going to sleep, you might as well do something!” She held up the six-sided die, offering it to Fluttershy like some kind of shady drug dealer. “Come on, you know you want it.”
“I just want Twilight back,” Fluttershy said – distant, hollow.
“Yeah, but you also want to move on.”
“No I don’t.”
“Yes you do.”
“No I don’t.”
“Yes you do.”
“Pinkie, I’m not falling for that one. And even if I did, it wouldn’t help.”
Pinkie frowned. “Then I’ll roll for you! Woah, look at that, you got a four, arriving on the perfect spot to climb ahead of me! You’re winning!”
“That’s nice.”
“Don’t you want to win Fluttershy?”
“You know what I want.”
Pinkie sighed. “Come on, Fluttershy. Get your head out of the void. We’re not getting her back, you’re not a necromancer.”
“Mmhmm…”
“Plus, we’d need a lot of blood if we were even going to consider doing something like that, and it’s just not practic-“
Fluttershy was suddenly in Pinkie’s face. “You know something.”
Pinkie gulped. “Uh, no, no I don’t! Eheheheh…”
Fluttershy didn’t even miss a beat before activating the Stare. “Pinkie, how can we get Twilight back?”
“All right, all right, fine! Geez!” Pinkie recoiled, knocking the game board over. “Aww, all my taffy points…”
“Pinkie focus. Twilight? Necromancy?”
“You know this is a really bad idea. There’s a huge list of things we’re not supposed to be messing with…”
“I don’t care.”
“There are going to be dark spirits! Degrading the sanctity of life! We will sully the innocence of the culinary arts!”
“For Twilight, any price is worth it.”
“But… we go against fate itself! I’m not supposed to exploit it like this…”
Fluttershy threatened to activate her Stare again.
“Okay! Looks like we’re doing this!” She laughed maniacally, pulling Fluttershy to her side. “We’re gonna be necromancers!”
“Good. How?”
Pinkie clicked her tongue. “Well, I’m not supposed to know…”
Fluttershy glared at Pinkie.
“B-but since you asked nicely…” she put on a gypsy turban and grinned nervously. “Now we go to Sugarcube Corner.”
“Why?”
“I wasn’t joking, we are going to sully the innocence of the culinary arts. I hope you like blood cupcakes!”
Fluttershy twitched in revulsion.
“Wanna back out?”
“No,” Fluttershy said with conviction.
“Okie dokie.”
~~~
“I’ve tried everything, Rarity!” Sweetie wailed, trotting into a room filled with empty ice cream containers. “He’s not responding to anything I do!”
Rarity wiped the running mascara off her face. “…W-what do you mean by everything?”
“Everything! Talked, sat, listened to… nothing, offered hugs, gave hugs, kissed him, waved my tail in front of his face…”
Rarity blinked. “Sweetie, I…”
“I even did that thing you do with the stallions!”
Rarity tensed. “What… thing?”
“Oh, you know, throw yourself into his arms and scream ‘TAKE ME!’ at the top of your lungs.”
“…I am both shocked that you learned that from me and surprised he didn’t react,” Rarity deadpanned, having already been sucked dry of emotion for the evening. “Sweetie, you can’t go doing that be-“
“Rarity, I’m old enough to know what that means,” Sweetie interrupted. “If he’d responded I would have slapped him. I was desperate.”
“Well…” Rarity stood up, trotting out of the ‘ice cream bin’ room. “Guess I’ll give it a go…”
The two unicorns walked to the front of Carousel Boutique where Spike was sitting, still, staring at a blank wall.
“Spikey Wikey,” Rarity called, trying to accentuate the syllables to get his attention. She lifted up his chin, looking into his eyes with her own. “Maybe we could go out tomorrow. Just you, me, and a dinner. Something fancy, and with gems included – naturally.” She kissed him on the cheek.
Nothing. If anything he seemed even worse off than before.
Rarity twitched. “That’s it.”
“What’s it?” Sweetie asked.
“I can’t stand seeing everyone like this. I’ve had all I can stand and I won’t stand any more!” She levitated a blank scroll and began scribbling furiously on it with one of her pens. “Sweetie, I need you to take this to Zecora.”
“Now!? In the middle of the night!?”
“Yes! The moon is full and we need to do this tonight if we want the greatest chance of success!”
“Do what tonight?”
Rarity smirked. “We’re going to resurrect Twilight Sparkle. Now run along, Zecora will need to be ready for us.”
Sweetie was out the door before Rarity said ‘now’. At the same time, Spike visibly reacted, looking at Rarity with wide eyes. “We’re gonna get her back?”
“Yes, Spike, we are. She’s just too important to everyone to let this slide.” She levitated Spike onto her back. “Now, we’re going to need to go back to the castle for this, are you okay with that?”
“A-anything for Twilight.”
“Good! Now, where did I put my body bag? I know I had a spare one around here somewhere…”
~~~
Rainbow didn’t make it home.
She ended up in Berry Punch’s bar, shoving as much wine as she could into her face.
To her credit, Applejack had at least tried to pace herself when she walked in. Ordered something small, just to give Rainbow the feeling of companionship.
It took all of ten minutes of listening to Rainbow rant and bawl before Applejack decided she needed a drink.
Now, several drinks later...
“And then she slapped me in the face!” Rainbow wailed. “All for saying her wings were preeny!”
“Ah think she thought that was an insult.”
“Not my fault she doesn’t know pegasus lingo!”
“Not her fault for not knowin’ it.”
“It’s gotta be someone’s fault!”
“Does it?”
“I mean, yeah. Everything has a cause, right? Like… Uh… That book Twilight was going on about! Ultimate Cause or something equally eggheaddy. Heh. Eggheaddy.”
“Ah don’t remember a lick about some Ultimate Cause.”
“It’s science whizz stuff. The universe began with a big boom, everything can be traced back to that!”
“What made that?”
“Uh… Uh…” Rainbow blinked. “I think I made the mistake of asking Twilight that, once. She nearly exploded.”
“Did she light on fire?”
“Yeah?”
“She did explode.”
“Oooooooooh, so that’s what exploding is.”
“Eeyep.”
“Anyway, the whole wing thing. Has to be something’s fault. Neither of us knew the problem, so… uh… what caused me to say that?”
“Your infatuation with Twi’s wings?”
“They were incre-e-edible…” Rainbow started wailing again. “And they were so soft! There aren’t enough hugs in a lifetime!”
“Ah think we need to get off your fantasies of turning Twilight into a pillow.”
“She would have made the best pillow!” Rainbow shouted, slamming her glass down on the counter, somehow managing not to crack it. “Hey, maybe we could mount her on the wall or something…”
“Rainbow, you’re disturbed.”
“Well what else are we gonna do to the body!?”
“Twilight wanted to be launched into the sun.”
“You can do that?”
“Yep. Apparently.”
“…I wanna be launched into the sun.”
“Ah would be to, if I wasn’t already goin’ for the Apple Family graveyard.”
“I mean now. Can we go to the sun?”
“Ah don’t see why not,” Applejack admitted. “Ah’ll need lots of sunscreen…”
“That’s it!” Rainbow declared. “It’s the sun’s fault!”
“That Twilight’s gone?”
“What? No! That she slapped me! Though it’s probably at fault for that too! And… and a lot of things! You know in Daring Do and the Test for Finesse the sun was possessed by an evil deity of vibration…”
“A. K. and her embellishments…”
“Yeah, and then there was this guy who did all the lightning and revived the lost Ambloboth a- HOLY CELESTIA!” This time Rainbow really did smash the glass into a thousand pieces. “I just had the best idea.”
“Ever?”
“Of all time.”
“Let’s hear it.”
“If we zap Twilight’s body with enough lightning… it’ll reanimate!”
Thunder boomed outside, punctuating her sentence.
“Really?”
“It was in Daring Do and the Test for Finesse!”
“That’s good enough for me!” Applejack declared, downing her drink. “How’s this gonna work?”
“We strap her to a metal table, stick a long metal rod into the sky, and… BAM-O! SHE LIIIIIVES!”
“This… this is the best idea…” Applejack said. “But you know what we need to make it work?”
“What?”
“More wine,” Applejack said, turning to Berry Punch. “Me an’ my friend are gonna play mad scientist in a bit. We’re gonna need a looooot more drinks for that.”
Berry Punch looked at the two of them like they were crazy.
“Come on, you know you want to.”
A minute later the two of them were kicked out onto the street.
“Welp,” Applejack said, picking her hat up off the ground and placing it on her head. “My barn has a weather vane.”
“That’ll work,” Rainbow said, giggling. “WE’RE GETTING YOU BACK, TWILIGHT!”
“The ponies are lookin’ at us funny.”
“Really? That’s how they always look at me.”
~~~
The moon was full and rising to apex.
Ponyville was sleeping.
And in the highest room of Sugarcube Corner… a single light was on. Not because Pinkie and Fluttershy were up there, but because Pinkie had insisted it would be ‘atmospheric’ if they turned it on.
They were actually in the kitchen, though Pinkie didn’t want to turn on the lights so as to not wake Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Fluttershy found this odd because Pinkie sure was doing a lot of shouting when she lit the ominous green lanterns.
“We must prepare our ingredients!” Pinkie declared. “Fluttershy, here’s the recipe. Read everything off to me.”
Fluttershy held the long scroll in her wings, furrowing her brow. “Pinkie, I thought we wer-“
“We are! We just need all the ingredients first! Read them off to me.” She jumped into the air and threw open the doors to a large pantry.
“Flour, granulated sugar, brown sugar, cane sugar, pixie sugar, sugar sugar… Pinkie, that’s a lot of sugar.”
“We’re gonna need a lot to get this underway!”
“Uh-huh. Baking soda, eggs, the centermost piece of a peppercorn, daisy petals, blood oranges, excess lemon zest from last week’s ritual, whipping cream, what pumpkin.” She blinked. “It literally says ‘what pumpkin’ as an ingredient.”
“This pumpkin,” Pinkie declared, slamming a pumpkin with a question mark upon the countertop. “Keep reading!”
“Bu-“
“We need to work fast!”
“Fine. Hairs from the lowest section of a pony’s tail, eggnog, devil’s eggnog, sapphires, mercury, a moon rock, a rejected birthday card, the alicorn amulet.” Fluttershy froze as the alicorn amulet came flying out of the pantry and landed on the pile of ingredients. “Pinkie, why do you have…?”
“I don’t know. But we’ll have to use it! Might explode!”
Fluttershy returned to the list – not doing this simply wasn’t an option, not anymore. “Edible measuring spoons, animated gingerbread, seapony tears, provolone, soul cinnamon, regular cinnamon, the blood of the innocent, a…“ Fluttershy flushed red. “I’m not reading that.”
“Already know what that is!” Pinkie said, throwing another jar onto the pile.
“Egh… Anyway, uh, the last thing on the list is a dragon scale. You already have that too?”
“Yeeeeep!” Pinkie declared, throwing a small purple scale on the pile of ingredients. “And that’s everything we need from the pantry aside from charcoal to draw!”
“Draw?”
“The necromantic gypsy circle things, silly!”
Fluttershy nodded. “Got it. What and where do we draw?”
“We start with the floor…”
~~~
The casket sat in the middle of Friendship Castle, alone, undisturbed in the darkness.
This would not last.
With a loud creak, Rarity pushed the front doors, creating just enough of an opening for her to slip through. Spike was on her back, holding on to a body bag embroidered with numerous blue diamonds.
Rarity had absolutely refused to explain why she had such a thing.
“Fan out the bag, Spike,” Rarity whispered as she approached the metallic casket, laying a hoof on top of the cold exterior. “Don’t you worry Twilight, we’re getting you back.”
“Do I need to unzip it?” Spike asked.
“No, just keep it splayed.” Rarity lit her horn. “I’m going to put those magic sessions to the test...”
Rarity scanned the coffin, finding the metal to be annoyingly resistant to magical scrying. That said, her gem finding spell could be applied – allowing her to locate every bone in Twilight’s body with impeccable accuracy.
Located. Now, without bothering anything else… MOVE!
She winced as she tossed Twilight’s body around inside the coffin.
“Rarity!”
“Shhhhh! Let me focus!” She closed her eyes, finding the bones again. This time, instead of MOVE she thought DISAPPEAR followed quickly by APPEAR!
Every bone in Twilight Sparkle’s body vanished, appearing inside the body bag in an instant. The clunkityclank noise of a skeleton falling apart without any muscles or tendons to hold it together unsetled Rarity considerably. She hefted the bodybag into the air with her telekinesis. “T-there. We have all we need.”
“A bag of bones?”
“Yes. A bag of bones. That is it.” Rarity tossed her mane back: the situation demanded a fabulous motion to punctuate the success of a daring mission. “And now we leave…”
They snuck out, closing the door behind them with a THUD.
It just so happened that the THUD masked Rainbow Dash and Applejack’s breaking of the third story window.
“APPLEJACK!”
“You were the one who said break the window!”
“Well you broke it!”
“Ah broke it quieter than you would have!”
“SHUSH!”
The two of them fell terribly, terribly quiet. They felt like something was about to sneak up behind them and bite off their heads.
“I think we’re clear,” Rainbow whispered.
“Ah think so too,” Applejack confirmed.
The two of them stepped in through the window. Now, neither mare was a stranger to alcohol, and they knew full well that they should take the stairs slowly.
It was lucky for Applejack she didn’t have wings, because had she had them, she would have come to the same conclusion as Rainbow: if walking is bad, why not fly?
She crashed down the stairs like a demented spring, banging every door, on the way down to the main hall.
Starlight teleported next to Applejack, eyebrow raised. “Breaking into the castle?”
“Uh… Yeah?” she hiccupped.
Starlight sighed. “Drunk too?”
“Eeyep.”
Starlight nodded slowly. “I’ll deal with whatever you break in the morning.” She teleported away.
“Close call,” Applejack said, chuckling to herself. She forgot she was next to a staircase and rolled down after Rainbow, slamming right into the pegasus’ flank. “Oof.”
Rainbow kicked Applejack away before carefully approaching the casket. “There she is…” She traced her wings over the top of the casket. “Don’t worry, Twilight, we gotcha.” Her attempts to pick up the casket ended up dropping it on her hoof. “AUGH! SASSAFRAS!”
Applejack grunted. “We gotta carry it together. Like so.” Applejack lifted the casket onto her back. “…Or Ah guess Ah can just carry it.” She pointed her muzzle back up the stairs. “Now comes the hard part.”
“I gotcha!” Rainbow latched onto the top of the casket and dragged it up the stairs with Applejack. Five seconds later two ponies and a surprisingly industrial-strength casket tumbled down the stairs, sliding along the recently tear-smoothed floor.
“Ugh…” Rainbow muttered.
“We gotta try it again until we get her out,” Applejack decreed, putting her hat back on. “’Ere we go again…”
Starlight teleported into the room again, eyes twitching. “Morons! The front door is RIGHT PEEVING THERE!” She gestured at the front doors, a perfectly viable escape route that did not involve carrying a massive casket up stairs.
“Starlight, that ain’t proper language,” Applejack pointed out.
“You two are drunk off your plots and stealing a dead body in the middle of the night. Don’t judge me.” She lit her horn and vanished again, giving them free access to the front door.
Applejack and Rainbow looked at each other. With a nod, they ran for the front doors, dragging the casket between them. Somehow, they managed to keep hold of the thing the whole way, despite smacking the floor, several vases, and the front doors themselves with far more force than was strictly necessary. The three popped out the front doors and landed on the outside path.
The casket remained closed. Really good craftsmanship. Fit for a Princess, really.
“WE DID IT!” Rainbow shouted. She and Applejack hoofbumped as if the operation had gone off without a hitch.
“To the barn…” Applejack declared.
~~~
“Fluttershy…” Pinkie said, holding the green lamp uncomfortably close to her face. “You know what comes next…”
Fluttershy gulped, shivering uncontrollably.
“We need a sacrifice.”
“But… but Pinkie! We… can’t!”
“Oh, can we stop then?” Pinkie lowered the lantern. “Because I’m all for leaving this and going back to rolling some dice back at your cottage. Good times.”
“Wh… why can’t you do it?”
“Because I don’t really want to?” Pinkie said. “The sacrifice doesn’t work unless you have the will behind it! I’m of the mind this is a terr-err-err-errible idea!”
Fluttershy swallowed hard. “Okay. If it’s the only way…”
Pinkie blinked. “Really?”
“Give me the knife,” Fluttershy demanded. When Pinkie didn’t hand it over, she swiped it with her wing, holding it high above her head. “This is for Twilight…”
The small, white, fluffy dog sitting in the middle of the charcoal pentagram looked up at her with a cute, confused expression.
“Mister Fluffles… don’t give me that look…”
Mister Fluffles kept giving her that look.
“I… I…” Fluttershy wiped her tears with her free wing and took in a deep breath. “I’M SORRY MISTER FLUFFLES!” She drove the knife down.
Blood got all over her and splattered across a nearby wall.
She pulled the knife out and drove it in again. Several times.
“Huh.” Pinkie said. “I didn’t think you had it in you!”
“What. Next...?” Fluttershy breathed, left eye twitching uncontrollably. She hadn’t even tried to wipe the blood off her face. What was the point? She deserved to be marred for this…
“Now we can bake the cake!” Pinkie declared, grinning. “You know what, I think we might actually do this! Time to put this necromantic baking party into overdrive!” She tossed a large lasagna pan to Fluttershy. “Put Fluffles in there, I need to get the alicorn amulet. Maybe I should get my crystal ball…” She tapped her chin, thinking deeply.
Fluttershy took another deep breath. “We’ll get you back Twilight… this will all be worth it…”
~~~
“Spike, be a dear and burn the timberwolf, would you?”
Spike, now that he was no longer a pathetic sack of tears barely worthy of being called a dragon, was more than ready to burn this predatory pile of planks to pumice. He belched out an immense torrent of green flame that caught some of the timberwolf’s external twigs on fire. This was enough to send the creature into a panic, running away at high speed.
“Thank you.” Rarity said, hefting up the bag of Twilight’s bones and continuing her trek toward Zecora’s hut.
Spike looked at the bones warily. “Are you… sure this is going to work?”
“Please, Spike, everypony and their mother knows Zecora brought knowledge of necromancy with her from Zebrica.”
“…I didn’t know that.”
“I did say everypony right?”
Spike raised an incredulous eyebrow, not that Rarity could see it seeing as he was on her back.
The rest of the way to Zecora’s hut was uneventful unless you counted the occasional jostling and rattling of Twilight’s bones, but that was all Rarity’s fault. Probably. That’s what Spike told himself anyway.
They arrived and Rarity knocked on the door, a pleasant smile on her face. “Zecora, I know it’s so late it might as well be tomorrow, but we have urgent business!”
Zecora threw the door open. She looked from Spike, to Rarity, to the bag of bones. She let out a deep, annoyed sigh. “Why is it that fate cannot spare me any mercy? Ponies always come assuming I know necromancy!”
“You don’t!?” Rarity shouted, aghast.
“No, I do, it’s true.” Zecora grumbled, waving them in. “It just speaks much of my reputation when everypony and their mother seeks a resurrection.”
Spike stared at her in disbelief. Rarity shot Spike a smug smile before trotting into the hut.
The first thing she noticed was that Sweetie was sitting in one of Zecora’s chairs, her leg in a splint.
“Sweetie! What happened!?”
“I got attacked by a manticore!” Sweetie shouted.
“And he broke your leg!?”
“What? This? Oh, no, this was from me tripping on the root outside. I outsmarted the manticore. But it was still scary!”
Zecora turned to Rarity. “I would chide you for sending her here alone, but I am well aware she already comes here on her own. Reality is cruel to the fool.”
“Hey!” Sweetie shouted, indignantly. “I got here, didn’t I? I’m plucky!”
Zecora sighed. “Sweetie will not be heading home tonight with that leg, no matter how much she may beg.”
Sweetie grumbled. “Let’s just do the thing already.”
“Have you prepared a brew?” Rarity asked.
Zecora nodded, gesturing to the cauldron that was popping and zapping with ancient, dark power. “Normally when a pony comes knocking for a lost life I just say no, but this is Twilight Sparkle we’re talking about so…” She slid behind the cauldron and smirked malevolently. “Let us upset the balance of fate and take the fool’s bait!”
“Fool’s bait?” Spike asked, suddenly nervous.
“Necromancy tends to be evil or backfire in some way,” Sweetie said. “Trust me, she wouldn’t shut up about it while I was waiting, it’s probably true.”
“Well, we will deal with the consequences when they arise,” Rarity declared.
Zecora didn’t say anything, she just laughed. She gestured for Rarity to dump the bag of bones into the cauldron. Rarity did so, although Spike looked away, not wanting to see the bones.
The moment Twilight’s skull hit the cauldron’s brew, all light from the room vanished, creating pitch blackness.
“Coooooool,” Sweetie said.
Zecora coughed. “Do not be alarmed, this means the spirits have been charmed.” She tapped her hooves together. “Now the real ritual may begin…”
She didn’t rhyme anything with that. Spike wasn’t sure if that was ominous or not.
~~~
Rainbow threw the casket through the barn doors, embedding it in the dirt floor on the other side. She and her accomplice ducked in as fast as they could, slamming the doors behind them.
“We’re in,” Applejack said, dramatically.
“AJ, this is your barn.”
“We’re still in, ain’t we?”
“Eh, yeah.” She flew over to the casket and grinned. “Let’s get this set u-“
She realized they weren’t alone in the barn. Sitting across from them were two very familiar young mares. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, looking like two deer caught in the headlights.
“What’re you two doin’ in here!?” Applejack shouted.
“What are you two doin’ in here!?” Apple Bloom retorted.
“Just, you know, party stuff,” Rainbow said, trying to hide the casket behind her body and failing miserably.
“Party? We just had a funeral! And that’s Twilight’s casket!”
“No it isn't.”
Apple Bloom raised an incredulous eyebrow. “Applejack?”
“We’re gonna resurrect Twilight with lightnin’,” Applejack deadpanned.
“AJ!” Rainbow complained.
“What?”
“Now they’re gonna want to watch!”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“I… Uh… I don’t know!”
“Thought so. Plus, now that Ah told her what we’re up to… She’s gonna tell me what she was up to.”
“Uh…” Apple Bloom started sweating. “Uh…”
“Kissing practice,” Scootaloo said, waggling her eyebrows.
“SCOOTALOO!”
“What? We were trapped!”
“Ah’m yelling at you for that eyebrow waggle!”
Applejack blinked. “…Ah’m not dealing with this right now.”
Apple Bloom cocked her head, examining her sister. “How drunk are you?”
“Eh…” she twirled her hoof around, looking for words and finding none. “Rainbow, let’s get this thing under the weather vane…”
“What exactly is your plan?” Apple Bloom asked.
“We are going to strap this here casket to the weather vane. Then we’re gonna wait for lightning to strike.”
Apple Bloom facehooved and groaned.
“Oooh, can we open the casket!?” Scootaloo asked, rushing to the shiny box. “I wanna see a dead body!”
“NO!” Applejack and Rainbow shouted at the same time.
“Come on, we’re reviving her, right? Soon there won’t be any dead to disrespect!”
Rainbow stared at Scootaloo in dumb shock.
“What? I’ll be fine, it’s not like I haven’t seen a dead body before.”
“WHAT!?” Apple Bloom shouted.
“Eeeeeeeeeh story for another time. Like, never.” Scootaloo laughed nervously. “C’mon, open the lid, I wanna see!”
“No,” Applejack said. “The casket’s metal, it’ll work just fine. We don’t need to be ogglin’ over Twi, Rainbow’s done enough of that already.”
“I hate you,” Rainbow muttered.
“At least it’s not kissin’ practice.” Applejack snorted. “Of all the stupid…”
Rainbow and Applejack set the casket down. It was sideways, so they turned it over. They took about three steps away before realizing it was upside down, so they went back and flipped it upside right. At long last, Rainbow picked up a piece of metal wire and flew it up to the ceiling. She smashed her face into the ceiling long before she could even think to look for the bottom part of the weather vane.
Applejack grabbed a lasso and started twirling it – but Apple Bloom put a hoof on her sister’s shoulder. “This is too painful to watch.”
“Ehwhat?”
“You two are drunk and don’t know the next thing about electrical engineerin’,” Apple Bloom said. “Scoot and Ah, well…”
Scootaloo pulled a labcoat out of a nearby barrel and put it on, grinning. “We know a thing or two about mad science!”
Apple Bloom put on a labcoat of her own, though she also nabbed safety goggles. “Scoot here learned a lot of engineerin’ in Twilight Time and Ah’ve got myself an understandin’ of the life force from Zecora!”
“We got you covered,” Scootaloo winked.
Rainbow and Applejack stared speechless.
“…Where’d you get the labcoats?” Applejack asked, eventually.
“We found Pinkie’s stash about a week ago,” Scootaloo admitted.
“She’s gonna rain fire from Tartarus on you two for that.”
“Yeah, but it’s totally worth it! We not only get to see a dead body, we get to make it not dead! How cool is that!?”
Apple Bloom glanced at her. “Scootalooo, Ah think there’s somethin’ seriously wrong with you.”
“Need I remind you that coming in here was your idea?”
Apple Bloom groaned. “No…”
“Then stop judging me.” She flapped her wings and cackled. “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MAD SCIENTISTS GO!”
“Scootaloo, we have our cutie marks and Sweetie ain’t here.”
“Let me have this, Apple Bloom.”
~~~
Pinkie rubbed her hooves together. “All right Fluttershy… Do you know what time it is?”
“…Time to add the eggs?” Fluttershy asked, looking down at the batter.
“Well, yes, but ALSO…” Pinkie pulled a boombox out of her mane and set it down on an area of the counter not covered in blood, baking ingredients, or dark magic artifacts. “DANCE NUMB-“
“Pinkie Pie! What are you doing!?”
Pinkie turned nervously to see Mrs. Cake standing in the doorway.
“Necromancy…?”
Mrs. Cake took this in stride. “Okay. So long as you clean up before morning.”
“Caaaaan do!”
Mrs. Cake went back to bed.
Pinkie let out a sigh. “I was all ready for a dance number to-“
Fluttershy pushed Pinkie over with an exaggerated dance move.
“I think, I feel
The power in this meal
All the spirits drawn by our sacrifice
No more caution
Throw in another shin
Whatever darkness demands we pay the price!”
Pinkie laughed – but her verse was not to come, for elsewhere there was a bag of bones with a zebra stirring it…
“Darkness,
Come here, see thine
Bones of this maiden fine
She needs more life to stop harmony’s torment!”
The cauldron popped in time with an electric pulse passing between the hooves of two fillies. Scootaloo went first.
“Science!”
“Nature, you lose!”
“Electronic muse!”
“Death’s not inevitable with the right bent!”
Pinkie pulled several bloody cupcakes out of the oven, munching on one of them to Fluttershy’s disgust.
“Once more it’s time to cook up a solution
With the knowledge we’ve accrued an absolution
All resurrections
All distinct pollution
Three powers on one
Her death will be undone
So long as we keep our constitution!”
Zecora focused on the brew as Rarity stared at the pool within, reflective.
“Twilight, my dear,
This all seems very queer
But life just isn’t the same without you here
Twilight, come back
Your spirit fills our crack
So shake those bones and get the world back on track!”
At the barn, two drunk ponies stared at their sisters hooking up a Tesla coil on top of a metal casket. Rainbow Dash let out a huff.
“This shock is absolutely going to work.”
“Seems like a long shot, how’d Ah get into this murk?”
“Awesome ideas.”
“There’ll be a headache come morn’”
“Hey they hooked it up, there’s electric buildup!”
“Ah would never do this, Ah coudla sworn…”
Pinkie stared at the ominous red light coming from the oven.
“We want to bring back Twilight
We want her eyes open!”
Rarity swung along the edge of the cauldron, forcing Zecora to stabilize it.
“We want to see friends happy.”
Apple Bloom pulled back the lever, sparks flying across her goggles.
“We want to make new light!”
Several ponies in three separate locations sang as one, though they did not know it.
“So let’s bring our friend back
By using everything
Form a dark necromantic pact
Come when you hear us sing!”
Thunder struck Friendship Castle and spread out across Ponyville as several maniacal laughs rang through the night. A dark circle in the ground began to glow bright red… A cauldron popped with an ethereal moan… A casket glowed with electric charge…
The Castle flashed a deep, unsettling purple color…
~~~
The circle was complete. Charcoal, blood, sugar, and an unidentified blue substance laced the floor of Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen, lit ominously by the green lamps and gas-fire burners. Dark claws rose from the circle, pointing an accusatory finger at the center. The center responded with a burning ball of black fire, a face of bone-white appearing within the flames. “You dare?”
The claws snapped their fingers, confirming the dare.
“Very well…”
The claws grabbed the black flame and there was a scream Fluttershy couldn’t hear – but she could feel it grab hold of her heart…
Without so much as a warning, the claws and the flame vanished.
The egg timer went ding.
“Cake’s ready!” Pinkie declared, pulling a sweet-smelling red velvet cake out of the oven and setting it on the counter.
“…That’s it?”
“Yep!”
“Where-“
With a pop a purple ghost appeared above the cake. She was composed of the front half of a pony, the back replaced with the wispy bottom everypony knew all ghosts had. The ghost blinked a few times, looking at her hooves.
“Weird…” Twilight Sparkle, ghost, said. She waved her hoof in front of her eyes. Finding this boring, she waved her hoof through her eyes, which brought a smile to her face. “Heh.”
“T-Twilight?” Fluttershy said, eyes wide. “Is that… you?”
“Oh, huh…?” Her eyes focused on Fluttershy. “Oh! Fluttershy! Pinkie! Yes, it’s me! I… I appear to be a ghost.” She furrowed her brow. “What killed me…?”
“Pancakes!” Pinkie said, grinning.
“Pinkie! You don’t just tell a ghost how they died all at once like that!”
“We also don’t break every rule of nature trying to bring a pony back to life, but we did anyway, so who cares?”
Twilight noticed, for the first time, the mess of dark magic, blood, and baking ingredients everywhere. “Pinkie… what did you do?”
“Um, I’m the one who insisted,” Fluttershy said. “Don’t blame her.”
“Fluttershy! This… this is messed up stuff! You could have had your souls eaten!”
“I… I needed you back, Twilight.”
“I…” Twilight sighed, trying to pull Fluttershy into a hug. She passed right through, sending chills down Fluttershy’s back. “…Sorry!”
“It’s… fine…” Fluttershy chattered, ice forming on the tip of her nose.
Pinkie scratched her chin. “Well, you’re back, but…”
“I’ll find a way to fuse myself to a stuffed animal or something,” Twilight said dismissively. “I’d need to get books from my castle to do that, though…”
“We can take you home right now!” Fluttershy said. “Make sure Starlight doesn’t completely trash the place.”
“WAIT!” Pinkie shouted.
“Why would we wait!?”
“We have to clean up!” Pinkie gestured at the dark ritual on the floor with exasperated hooves. “I mean come on, I don’t want Mrs. Cake to kill me!”
“All right, fine, we can clean up,” Fluttershy said.
“Just use your vacuum,” Twilight suggested. “It’ll clean it all up at once… right?”
“Yeah, but then we wouldn’t get to eat the cake!” Pinkie held up the red velvet dessert, allowing it to glint off the creepy light.
Fluttershy shivered. “Pinkie, that has any number of things in it I don’t want to touch ever again.”
“But… you can’t let a perfectly good cake go to waste like this!”
“I can’t eat it…” Twilight said. “…I think I like cake, though…”
“Eh.” Pinkie threw the cake into the air, sliding it out of its pan. It fell into her mouth, allowing her to devour it in one gulp. “And that’s that!”
Fluttershy looked ready to be sick.
“And now we can use the insta-party-cleaner!” She pulled out her blue vacuum and grinned. “This bad baby can clean up so many parties!” She pressed the activation button.
Three seconds later all of Sugarcube Corner was filled with green smoke. Two ponies and a ghost were seen fleeing the scene, identities unknown to all witnesses.
~~~
A single bony hoof rose from the green goo of Zecora’s cauldron. Sweetie Belle yelled out in fear while the others only stared in fascination. The bony hoof felt around aimlessly for a while until it found the edge of the cauldron. Holding to the edge tight, a second hoof grabbed the rim next to the first hoof. Pulling, they dragged a horned skull out of the green ooze. The horn was pristine and sparkling while the eye sockets held soft purple sparks instead of eyes.
The skeleton attempted to get out of the cauldron.
Naturally, the cauldron spilled, pouring out the green ooze onto Zecora’s floorboards and depositing the pony skeleton onto her pelvis.
“Once again, I have to clean, a neat ritual is but a dream…” Zecora muttered.
The skeleton stood up, finding it easy to rise onto all four hooves without any flesh bogging down their movement. She opened and closed her jaw a few times, though there was no sound aside from the clacking of teeth.
“…Twilight…?” Spike asked, tears in his eyes.
The skeleton lit her horn, creating a small vibrating ball in front of her face. “THANK YOU!”
The force of the sound was so great Rarity, Sweetie, and Spike fell over.
“SORRY! I SHOULD Adjust the volume.” The voice was Twilight’s all right, but it sounded methodical and robotic, which was to be expected from a spell meant to emulate Twilight’s voice rather than just speaking words with vocal cords, which Twilight didn’t have at the moment.
“Twilight!” Spike cheered, running up to her and hugging her. The leg he grabbed fell apart in an instant, and as a result he landed facefirst in the ground.
“I don’t think I’m that durable, Spike,” Twilight said, levitating her bones back into place. She spread her wings and flapped them, finding her pegasus magic flowed freely enough to allow her flight. “I am significantly lighter, though. There could be some benefits to being a skeleton…” Shaking her head, she turned to Rarity. “Thanks. Again.”
“Was being dead… bad?” Rarity asked.
“Don’t really remember it. Maybe not?” Twilight shrugged. “I’ll make that conclusion when I go back. If I go back. I’m probably doubly immortal now.” She levitated Spike into the air next to her. “And you, mister…”
Tears were rolling down his face, but he was grinning. “I’m just so happy you’re back!”
“Yes, I know, but we go into dangerous situations all the time, Spike. You can’t just break when it happens, okay? We can’t do this every time.”
“Bu-bu-but why not!?”
“Zecora, want to explain?” Twilight asked.
“No,” Zecora said. Then, after waiting a few seconds, added, “no.”
Twilight tried to sigh with her synthetic voice, but all she could do was make a sound like a garbage compactor. “Such spells have a high chance of failure or corruption. You were lucky you got me back, there was about a fifty percent chance I came back a mindless skeleton who’d try to eat all of you.”
Rarity, Spike, and Sweetie shot Zecora a look. “A little warning would have been nice!” Rarity chided.
Zecora shrugged. Her bored expression was decidedly insulting.
“Anyway…” Twilight descended to the ground, testing her legs out some more. “I’m going to need some adhesion spells to keep these bones together, and perhaps an illusory body…”
“Oh! I saw a book like that in the castle the other day!” Spike grinned. “We can go get it!”
“That would be wonderful, Spike! You’re the best assistant even when I’m not here!”
Spike beamed.
“Right, guess we know where we’re going then,” Rarity tossed her mane back. “Zecora, I’m leaving Sweetie here to recover.”
“But Rarity…” Sweetie whined.
“No buts!”
“But Twilight will scare all the monsters away!”
“…I have become the monster…” Twilight realized. Then she synthesized a laugh, which sounded more like Pinkie than herself. “I want to go stare down a Timberwolf.”
“Twilight, darling, you’re fragile,” Rarity pointed out.
“I can still kick flank with magic lasers!”
“Then I can come?” Sweetie asked.
Twilight looked down at the filly. “…No, you need to rest that leg.”
“OH, COME ON!”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “We should go if we want to be back before Spike passes out.”
“I’m not going to pass out!” Spike objected.
“Sure. Keep telling yourself that, Spikey Wikey.”
“I dunno, given all the emotional stress…” Twilight mentally ran through a set of calculations. “There’s a solid chance he doesn’t fall aslee-“
Spike was suddenly on the floor, snoring.
“…Did you just sleep spell him?”
Rarity smirked coyly, draping him over her back. “Maybe?”
Twilight and Rarity left.
“Hey, WAIT A MINUTE!” Sweetie shouted. “He gets to go and he’s ASLEEP!?”
Zecora handed Sweetie a mop.
“…UGH.”
~~~
The casket stopped glowing an instant after the lightning had stopped.
Nothing happened.
“So…” Apple Bloom said. “What now?”
“We realize how drunk we are,” Applejack muttered, rubbing her eyes.
“’Bout time.”
“Eeyep.”
“I was pretty sure this was going to work, though…” Scootaloo said, checking over all her work. “All the nodes are in the right place, the Tesla coil was at full power, the current went through the resistor properly, and the fuse didn’t even break!” She scratched her head. “Even if her brain’s dead she should have still moved in there!”
There was a soft thud inside the casket.
The four ponies turned to stare intently at it, waiting.
There was another thud, followed quickly by another. The casket started shaking. A sound not unlike a magic missile going off came from within the casket, but it remained closed.
A few more thuds. Nopony moved to do anything.
“OH FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA!” Scootaloo dashed over to the casket and threw the lid open. “Wakey wakey Prince-AUGH!” She recoiled from the open casket, falling flat on her back.
A purple hoof flopped out of the casket as if it were made of jello barely contained in a furry bag. Another hoof flopped out. The limbs attempted to pull the rest of the body out of the casket, but all they did was slide back into the casket.
With an annoyed grunt, the slop that was Twilight Sparkle activated her magic and lifted herself into the air by the chest. She rose out like a wet hand towel, all six of her limbs, head, and tail hanging limper than should have been possible.
“…This is absolutely terrifying,” Apple Bloom said, holding up a camera and taking a picture.
Twilight’s horn – which was little more than a floppy skin cover – sparked and flared until the magic gave out, depositing the gelatinous pile of flesh unceremoniously on the ground.
Somehow, she was still able to speak clearly enough to be understood, despite not having any teeth. “Mmf. Did anyone ge’ ‘e numer of ‘e ‘ruck ‘at go’ my bones?”
“We destroyed your bones!?” Rainbow shouted in shock.
“HOW!?” Apple Bloom shouted. “HOW!? HOW!?”
“I don’t know but I smell opportunity for profit!” Scootaloo said, grinning widely. “Crusader bone-remover!”
“That’s… that’s stupid!”
“…ly awesome?”
“Aww yeah!” Rainbow added.
Apple Bloom facehooved.
Applejack trotted up to the blob that was Twilight. “Need a hoof?”
“Yep,” Twilight said, rolling her head to the side. “Wa’ ‘e head. Brain fragile.”
Applejack gently lifted Twilight onto her back, placing the head on first. “…Somepony else will need to get your back half.”
“Rainbow da’!” Twilight called. “Ge’ over here!”
Rainbow stopped doing a victory dance with Scootaloo. “Oh, uh… right!” She drunkenly stumbled over to Twilight and lifted up her backside, keeping all of her floppy body from dropping to the floor. “Gotcha!”
“I have su’ fai’ in you.”
“What?”
Rainbow could hear Twilight working her tongue around in her mouth. “Ssssssssssssuuuuuuuuukhhhhhhhhh.” She let out a grunt of frustration. “Can’ make ‘e noise!”
“You… can make the noise?”
“RAINBOW DA’!”
“Wow, Twilight, does resurrection do a number on your brain? I’m not your dad.”
“Rainbow, the alcohol did a number on your brain,” Applejack muttered.
“Oh yeah. You too, though.”
“Yeah, well, you’re a few apples short of a basket to begin with.”
“…What?”
“Girls!” Twilight said. “S’op Figh’in.”
Applejack and Rainbow nodded. “Right!”
Applejack turned back to look at Twilight’s floppy head. “So, what do we do now?”
“S’arligh’ knows ‘e bone spell,” Twilight said. “Ge’ me ‘oo her.”
“Right!” Rainbow declared, trotting away, dropping Twilight’s rump on the ground in the process.
“RAINBOW DA’!”
“Agh! Sorry! Sorry!” she scrambled to get Twilight back on her back.
Applejack turned to Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. “We’re gonna fix Twi. You two can deal with this stuff… or get back to what you were doin’ before, Ah suppose.”
Apple Bloom flushed. “Applejack!”
“You dug this hole, you get to wallow in it.”
When Rainbow Dash was ready Applejack walked out with her, the two carrying Twilight carefully.
They were both, unfortunately, drunk, and dropped Twilight in the grass the moment they were outside.
“Gee, ‘anks for ‘e suppor’,” Twilight muttered.
~~~
“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Twilight said, drifting through the air in a loop-de-loop.
“Um. Twilight?” Fluttershy pointed the opposite direction the ghost was moving. “Your castle is this way.”
“Oh! Right.” Twilight floated down next to her. “I forgot.”
“You… forgot?”
Twilight nodded. “Yeah. I think, without a brain, I have a smaller capacity for memory storage. Or memory access.” She furrowed her brow. “I feel like I should be able to explain this better.”
“Not if you have memory problems!” Pinkie said.
“I have memory problems?”
“You just said you did!”
“I did what?”
“Said you had memory problems!”
“Who said that?”
“You did!”
“I did what?”
“Twilight!” Fluttershy shouted. “Look at me. Who am I?”
Twilight smiled warmly. “You’re Fluttershy, one of my bestest friends ever!”
“And who are you?”
“Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship!”
“And where are we going?”
Twilight blanked for a moment, racking her nonexistent brain. “To… to my castle!”
“And which way is your castle?”
“THIS WAY!” She pointed back to Sugarcube Corner.
Fluttershy facehooved. “We really need to get her a body to ground her in reality.”
“Does reality even have ground?” Pinkie asked.
“I don’t know,” Twilight admitted. “Can the ground said to be real? Philosophers can’t say for sure if the table they’re sitting at exists…”
“You remember that?” Flutterhsy asked, exasperated.
Twilight nodded. “There are some things they drill into your very soul at Celestia’s School.”
“…I hope not literally?”
“Oh, hey, my castle!” Twilight said, drifting away, leaving Fluttershy’s question uncomfortably unanswered. “I wonder if Spike has breakfast ready.”
Pinkie hissed. “Twilight, it’s night, and I don’t think you should have breakfast for a while…”
“Oh. So it is.” She rubbed her head – though her hoof passed through without actually scratching anything. “Oh. Right, I’m dead, I forgot!” She laughed. “Wow, we really should get me grounded in a body, huh?”
Fluttershy sighed. “Yes. Yes we should. W-“
“Hey! One of my windows is broken!” She floated over to the broken third-floor window. “Who would do such a thing?”
“Thieves?” Pinkie suggested.
Twilight gasped. “What if they stole my body!?”
“Nopony would steal your body, Twilight,” Fluttershy said with a comforting smile. “In fact, why don’t we go see your body? We might be able to stick you back in it!”
“Eheheheh…” Pinkie laughed nervously, suddenly sweating.
“…What is it?”
“Nothing!” Pinkie said, locking her limbs in place to keep them from shaking. “Nothing at all!”
“Pinkie, don’t make m-“
“Twilight just went in through the window.”
Fluttershy looked up at the window, irked to see that Pinkie was right. “Why does she have to be so flighty…” She spread her wings and followed Twilight in. She didn’t question it when Pinkie was already inside, somehow.
“Wow, I don’t remember this tapestry!” Twilight said.
“You made it!” Fluttershy shouted.
“Oh. Cool!”
Fluttershy facehooved.
~~~
The timberwolf returned, angry that it had been lit on fire earlier. It knew it wasn’t dry enough to crumble to dust, but fire was still a terrifying prospect for a creature made of wood. But now, it was ready. It would go for the little reptile first. Just its luck, he was asleep…
“Hi.”
The timberwolf turned around to see a pony skeleton behind it, horn aglow with intense light. The next thing the timberwolf knew it was flying through the air, screaming.
“Nice one, darling,” Rarity said with a chuckle.
“I don’t have to worry about any feedback like this,” Twilight observed. “There’s no flesh to burn off the horn. It can get as hot as it wants!” She clapped her hooves together. “If I wasn’t prone to falling apart I’d say this was an improvement!”
“I mean, you can’t exactly enjoy food anymore…”
“Don’t have to go to the bathroom either.”
“I don’t know dear, there are other biological functions I think you’re missing out on.”
Twilight rolled her spark-eyes. “You can have your opinions. I, for one, can’t really think of another major downside!”
They exited the Everfree Forest. It just so happened that Trixie was wandering about, late at night, carrying a cart of probably-illegal fireworks around. She took one look at Twilight, screamed, and executed a panic teleport.
“Huh. She’s getting better at that,” Rarity observed.
Twilight looked at her bony hooves. “Naturally, appearance is going to be an issue… can’t really be a Princess when everyone who sees me runs away in terror. But that’s what illusory bodies are for!” She trotted along the streets of Ponyville, heading for her castle.
“Perhaps we shouldn’t walk through the middle of town?” Rarity suggested.
“Psh, they’ll understand.”
Mrs. Cake stumbled out of Sugarcube Corner, took one look at Twilight, and screamed, running back into the smoke-filled bakery.
“…Wonder what Pinkie blew up today,” Twilight wondered, continuing her walk.
There were a few other screams, though notably one pony didn’t run away – Berry Punch. She saw Twilight walking along the street outside and rolled her eyes as if her presence wasn’t all that unexpected.
Eventually, they arrived at the front doors of the castle of friendship. Twilight managed to trip over the stairs and fall into a hundred pieces.
“Ugh…” Slowly, but surely, she stitched herself back together with her magic. With a clack of her teeth, she pushed her hoof on the door…
Her leg collapsed in on itself, dropping to the ground. Grinding her teeth, she repaired her leg. “…Rarity?”
“Just use your magic, dear.”
“…Oh.” Twilight facehooved – kicking her head off and into the dirt behind her. Her legs stomped in anger, collapsing as well. After a few seconds of her jaw hanging open in a silent, angry scream, she repaired herself yet again. This time she grabbed hold of the doors with her magic and opened them wide.
“I’m hoooome!” she called.
~~~
“You know, I was ‘inking you would know be’er ‘an ‘o ge’ drunk and ‘ry necromancy.”
Applejack tripped over a root in the road, landing flat on her face with a pained grunt. Twilight, naturally, slipped off the two ponies like a slop of jello.
“Hah!” Rainbow laughed – though if it was at Twilight’s words or Applejack, nopony knew, not even Rainbow herself. “And it wasn’t necromancy, it was SCIENCE! Just ask Scootaloo!”
“And, Ah’ll be honest here…” Applejack hefted Twilight up on her back. “Ah never would have agreed to it if Ah wasn’t drunk. So you have alcohol to thank for being back.”
Twilight did not like this inconvenient truth. “Ugh… saved by inebria’on. Mmf.”
Rainbow snorted. “Heh. Twi. Your big words make even less sense like this.”
“And we will carry you all the way to Friendship Castle!” Applejack declared, lifting her hoof into the air.
Despite herself, Twilight’s floppy body managed a smile. “…No bones abou’ i’, you ‘oo are my bes’ friends.”
“…Are you making jokes about bones?” Applejack asked.
“Hey, ‘ow me a bone.”
Applejack grunted. “This is revenge for somethin’, Ah can tell.”
“Bone-ly.”
“Ah don’t even know what that means!”
Twilight laughed – so did Rainbow, though the pegasus’ amusement resulted in her not only dropping Twilight, but also stepping on her several times.
“SORRY! SORRY!” Rainbow scooped Twilight back up, laughing nervously. “You’re okay, right?”
Twilight tried to glare at her. “A’ leas’ I didn’ break a leg.”
“Oh, that’s a relief, I was kinda afraid I stepped on you hard enough to do that.”
Twilight fell silent.
“…Did I say something wrong?”
“How drunk are you!?”
“Less than I was when I suggested we strap you to a weather vane?” Rainbow laughed. “Egh, I feel a headache coming on…”
“Don’t we all,” Applejack said, smirking. “And now w-“
Applejack tripped over a bucket of apples.
“UGH!” Twilight moaned, trying to tear out her mane but finding her floppy body decidedly inadequate for the job.
“Applejack! Focus!” Rainbow shouted.
“You’re steppin’ on Twilight again!” Applejack retorted.
“Am not!”
“You’re on her wing!”
“Am not!”
“You were!”
“Stop accusing me of… of… whatever sort of thing you’re accusing me of!”
“Ah dunno what you’re even on about!”
“That makes two of us!”
“What!?”
“ENOUGH!” Twilight shouted, her floppy horn cover sparkling madly. “I’LL JUS’ DO I’ MYSELF!”
Executing a teleport without the proper core to your horn is a very dangerous maneuver, but Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic, was more than able to pull it off.
Not without singing every hair on her and her friends’ bodies, though.
With her telekinesis, Twilight lifted herself up off the ground and shook, removing all the soot. Her magic gave out in the middle of the action, tossing her into a nearby table. “Ow…”
Applejack sat up. “Well. This’ll be a night to remember.”
Rainbow rubbed her head. “Ugh… I just wanna sleep for a year…”
“I’m hoooome!” Twilight called, waking into the castle as a skeleton.
“Yeah, I am!” a ghostly Twilight said, drifting down from the stairs. “How good of you to notice, me!”
“Wai’ a sec…” boneless Twilight said, her eyes conveniently crossed in such a way that she could see both her counterparts at once.
There was silence as three versions of Twilight Sparkle stared at each other in disbelief. In the grand scope of the multiverse, meetings such as this weren’t all that uncommon, Twilights made a lot of rounds through the worlds after all.
That said, all three versions of Twilight being from the same universe was… not exactly unheard of, but you’d be hard pressed to find a Twilight that had experienced such a thing.
“YOU S’OLE MY BONES!” boneless Twilight shouted, flopping a hoof angrily in skeleton Twilight’s direction. The noise woke Spike up. The first thing he heard was skeleton Twilight shouting back.
“Well… Uh… you stole my flesh!”
“’Ose bones belong in me!”
“I’m not sticking my bones in you!”
“Girls, girls, we’re all Twilight…” ghost Twilight said, drifting between them. “Let’s just calm down a-“
“ABOMINATION!” boneless and skeleton shouted at the same time, firing lasers at the ghostly apparition.
“I… I’m an abomination?” ghost asked as the lasers passed through her. She looked at her hooves. “I’m… an abomination!” At first, she cried. Then, like a switch flipped in her nonexistent brain, a malevolent smile crossed her face. ”I’m an abomination!”
“Seal it away!” skeleton demanded.
“I should seal you away!” boneless retorted.
Ghost forgot she was an abomination. “We have seals now!? Where are they? I wanna pet one!”
“Just… get down here!” skeleton latched onto ghost with a magic chain, dragging her to the ground. Boneless threw herself at skeleton like a bean-bag, skewering herself on her own horn while separating most of the bones from each other.
“AUGH!”
“Why am I so stupid!?”
“Hey! Magic off! I like my ghost trail!”
Magic lasers were soon flying everywhere. All the five ponies (and dragon) could do was watch and hope nothing hit them. Luckily, the only one who got hit was Pinkie, and she liked the flower that sprouted out of her head. She named it Fred.
Soon, the magic lasers stopped, and there was only a cartoonish cloud of dust that occasionally a hoof of some kind would try to claw its way out, only to be dragged back in. Bones would fling in random directions, but they’d always be dragged back in.
“Stop biting!”
“I have no ‘ee’!”
“Who said that?”
The castle flashed a deep, ominous purple once more. The cloud of dust flared like a purple star, making everypony look away out of reflex.
When the light cleared, there stood one – and only one – Twilight Sparkle, complete with flesh, bones, and a bewildered expression. She stood, frozen in place, eyes darting every which way without any rhyme or reason.
And then her eyes locked forward, fixating on Fluttershy.
“…Uh oh…” Fluttershy whimpered.
“Fluttershy, that thing you did to revive me?”
“Uh…”
“That was very, very dangerous and we’re going to need to exorcise the entire town.”
“Oh…”
“Applejack?”
Applejack gulped. “Uh…”
“You really should have known better. You could have burned down your entire farm.”
“Well… yeah…”
“And Rarity?”
Rarity held her head up high. “I fully admit it was a foolish thi-“
“You actually did just fine, going to Zecora was the right decision, although I’m not sure she’s happy about it. At least she knows what she’s doing.”
“Oh. Well. In that case…” Rarity tossed her mane back. “You’re welcome!”
“Are you… all back?” Spike asked.
Twilight nodded. “Yes. I’m back. All three of me. We’re currently arguing in my head.” She pulled Spike in and grinned happily. “I’m sorry I had to leave you for so long. Now, what skeleton-me said is still true. But she wasn’t quite thinking straight. Lacking a brain and all.” Twilight slapped herself with her wing. “Stop that! I can say what I want! I will say what I want when I want and I want I to sto…” Twilight’s eyes rolled back into her head and she put a hoof to her forehead. “Ow… Okay… Probably shouldn’t be thinking that hard right now…”
“So, which one of you gets to be… you?” Pinkie asked.
“I’m hoping all of us? It’ll take some work and mental-adjusting… Or maybe we’ll take turns…”
“You really should have put this situation in your will, then you’d know what to do.”
Twilight blinked, proceeded to laugh, and then hold her head in pain. “Ugh… Well, I think Starlight knows some mental spells if nothing else. But… Right now, I just want to sleep and deal with this in the morning.”
“Ah think we all need to sleep,” Applejack muttered.
“And next time one of us dies we really should consult with everyone else,” Pinkie added.
“Agreed!” everypony said in unison, proceeding to laugh.
Twilight’s laugh died off first. “Oooooh it’s going to be a nightmare to undo my death certificate… …Not to mention the angry parade planners…” She rolled her eyes. “Something to worry about tomorrow.”
Twilight Sparkle, alive and well (albeit recovering from a minor case of split personality disorder) teleported to her bed and went to sleep.
~~~
Tick…
The ethereal greenish-blue hourglass sat within the chamber of a ticking grandfather clock of the finest make, its magical sand pouring from the top to the bottom. It was almost out, indicating the end of a time…
A hoof reached out and pulled a lever on the wall. Sparks of red and greenish-blue flew off in all directions. The moment before the last grain fell to the bottom of the hourglass, it stopped.
For a single moment, nothing breathed.
Then the grain fell back up, followed by several of its brethren. The grandfather clock inverted its motion, and numerous magical clock constructs appeared around its face that wound rapidly backward. With an immense chu-chunk sound, a bowl appeared in the air, a vortex of time itself appearing in the bottom.
Now, the second half of the device could activate. Opposite the grandfather clock was a tall, thin mirror that shimmered with the power of another world. Hundreds of electrical wires poured out of the portal, snaking around the mirror’s frame and ending in an immense metallic ring situated directly under the bowl of time. It shimmered with energy, shooting several spiked tethers into the time bowl. Electrical signals began to move at rapid rates down the tethers, into the ring, and toward a small box in the center of the room. The box, slowly but surely, lit up with a purple glow.
Power was cut. The time bowl vanished, and the cables retracted into the ring. The box remained, softly glowing, humming…
It unfolded, revealing a metallic being with four legs, two wings, a tail, a horn, and two screens in place of eyes. These screens hummed to life with purple rings, attempting to emulate an iris.
“GAK!” Twilight shouted in a synthetic voice, trying to cough. “I… I… I’m fine?”
“Yes, Twilight,” Starlight Glimmer said, removing her protective goggles. “You’re fine.”
“Thanks to us!” Sunset Shimmer said, grinning. “Though, I have to admit, when we created this thing I didn’t expect we’d have to revive you from choking on a pancake…”
“Uh… Yeah. Choking.” Twilight laughed nervously. “That’s what… did it. So… wait. I died!?”
“It is more accurate to say you would have died,” Celestia said, walking into the room with a warm smile. “But, as the Element of Magic and Princess of Friendship, I could never allow such a tragedy to befall us under any circumstances, so I had to prepare.”
“So she contacted us!” Starlight said, beaming. “Didn’t want to deal with the dark side effects of true necromancy or the chance of insanity with brewing…”
“And the mad science route tends to char the body,” Sunset added.
“Sooooooo we used time travel and human computers!” Starlight clapped her hooves together. “We accessed the moment in time just before you would have died and downloaded your entire mind into this ponybot!”
Twilight looked at herself. “…Amazing…”
“Yep!” Sunset and Starlight hoofbumped.
“And now that we have a success… we can tell the others.” Celestia smiled sadly. “I think they’ll be more than glad to learn that their Princess never died at all, don’t you?”
