If They Come Back, it was Meant to Be
Author's Note
Unedited.
If They Come Back, it was Meant to Be
Triple barrel roll, double axel, and... I’m down!
I can’t help but smile as I land on the well-worn crystal of the largest structure in my hometown. Well… not my actual hometown, but the town I consider my home more than Cloudsdale anyway. It feels great to be back, I was only gone a few months… err… years? But in that time I’ve missed this more than anything.
Of course, that doesn’t help the other feelings I get immediately upon landing. Celestia, was this castle always so… heavy? Well, of course it’s heavy, I mean, it is a castle after all! But… buck me, what’s the word I’m looking for? It’s like the castle itself is judging me, almost as if I’m not worthy to stand on it again.
Maybe it’s right? Maybe I’m not worthy… I did leave after all…
Buck that, I’m Rainbow Danger Dash, Wonderbolt extraordinaire!
Who left…. Who left her friends, and T—
I shake my head clear of that thought. It took weeks to psych myself up for this in the first place, and it wasn’t the first time I’ve tried either. Not that I’d ever admit it, well… to her I might, if she… if she even wants to speak to me.
I shake my head again, tempted to smack myself in the face for thinking that all over again. Bleh, this sucks. Why can’t it just be easy? Why can’t I go ‘hey love, I’m back! Miss me?’
It’s a reticial question, or whatever the buck the word is. Twilight tried to teach me once; she tried to teach me a lot. I barely listened. Celestia, why am I back here? Do I honestly expect her to forgive me? I wouldn’t… I had the greatest mare in the world and I threw it all away over the bucking Wonderbolts. I should just go, I should just—
Smack!
Oww, okay dumb idea. I told myself I was going to do this, and even if I have to hit myself a hundred more times, I’m doing it.
I look up. The doors to the castle are still in front of me. Still closed. I sigh. Loudly. It’s night out, the stars are shining brightly and everypony with even a lick of common sense is asleep. I know she’s awake, for the same reason I am. Neither of us were ever that big on common sense. I act without thinking, she thinks without acting.
The smile’s back, I don’t know why. Nothing’s changed; the crystal is still under my hooves. The door is still large, looming, and big in front of me. I’ve kicked a dragon in the face, and that didn’t bother me half as much as these doors. Worse, I know that this is only the first set I must go through.
“C’mon, Rainbow. You can do this!”
As the words leave my muzzle they feel hollow. I don’t even know why I said them. I just… did, it’s what I do, right? I’m Rainbow Dash after all; I’m supposed to be self-sure, arrogant, and cocky. The three things everypony knows me for.
So why am I scared of a bucking door?
I’m not! I reach out a hoof and push it open.
It doesn’t surprise me that it’s unlocked. Twilight was always the trusting type. She’d never lock her castle to the world. There was no need. Even though it did cause a few issues every now and again.
The hallway is dark. I can barely see down it. Not that I need to. This was the entrance I almost always took, more so when we got together. I could walk these halls blindfolded.
I have.
I chuckle a little at that, a sound that seems to carry down the hall and back to me. It wasn’t loud, but it does cause me to stop, to realize something all over again.
I left her alone.
Well, not alone-alone. I know that Applejack, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity are still her friends. But that’s all they were, her friends. I was her knight, her love, I was the one that….
I should just leave, I should just go back, beg Spitfire to take me back, say I’m sorry for telling her and the rest to buck off and resume the life I had; I should just….
Smack!
Okay, that’s starting to hurt. How’d I get so good at beating myself up? Oh… yeah, it’s because I deserve it.
I shake my head and start walking forward, into the dark hallway.
My eyes adjust quickly enough. Not that they needed to. I could see everything as if it were clear as day. The paintings are exactly where I remember them being. The tables and chairs were just where they were when this castle was made; the flowers picked fresh. Twilight was never the type to change things around just for the sake of change. After all, she got it perfect the first time, why fix what isn’t broke?
Or that’s what she’d tell me when I’d ask anyway.
That’s when I stopped asking why—of all the ponies in Equestria—she wanted to be with me.
At the time I just figured she recognized my awesomeness for what it was. Awesome… yeah, I’m anything but.
An awesome pony doesn’t leave her friends; an awesome pony doesn’t leave her love; an awesome pony isn’t that selfish.
I’m not awesome; I’m a coward. I’m selfish….
I can’t believe how long it took me to see that.
My pace is slowing, I’m aware of it, even if I hadn’t intended to be. I look up at one of the photos. It’s of the six of us. We’re all standing side by side. I still remember the day it was taken by none other than Photo Finish herself.
Funny, two years ago I couldn’t tell you her name if I tried. Now it feels like she’s snapping photos of me on a daily basis.
It’s dark, but I can see the large photo as if it were in the middle of the day. Shy’s on the left, with Rarity next to her, then there’s Twi, Pinkie, AJ, and me. We’re all smiling, happy, and of course, Twi’s got eyes on me.
What did I care about? Just looking good for the camera of course….
I sigh again. This time the hallway doesn’t return it. I’m glad about that. I don’t want to be reminded anymore about my….
I shake my head, again. What is this, the fifth time since I landed? I might need to get my head examined for brain damage after this.
Then again, I need to get it examined for what I did before this anyway.
Our fight still haunts me.
I blew it off at first, at the time I couldn’t believe that she’d actually leave me. I mean I was in the Wonderbolts for Luna’s sake! Yeah, I couldn’t spend every waking hour of every day with her! I had to be practicing; it’s not easy after all….
I bang my head against the wall, directly below the large photo.
She didn’t want every hour of every day; she just wanted to be with me, me to show her that I cared, me to make time for her. That’s all she wanted, just to be a priority to me. She just wanted me to show her that I care.
And I couldn’t even give her that.
I should just go. I’ve broken her heart enough; I shouldn’t cause her any more pain.
I cringe a little, expecting to hit myself again. I’m actually surprised when a smack doesn’t come. Somehow the lack of pain is more painful than if I had just hit myself. I find myself starting to walk back to the window. I don’t even remember when I had turned around, it’s as if I just am. As if I know I should just give up and try to go back to the life I had before I decided to risk it all on this stupid hope that she’d actually… what? That she’d take me back? Forgive me? Say it’s okay that I fought with her, didn’t respect her? That I couldn’t give her a moment of my time?
No!
No what, featherbrain?
No, I’m not here for her to take me back, I’m here to talk, I’m here to apologize, and then leave. I told myself I would, promised it, and I keep my promises.
Just like I promised to be with her forever?
She wanted me gone….
No, you gave her no choice but to want you gone. You didn’t make the time for her and she was left waiting on the sidelines. You left her in the wind and she had no choice. What was she supposed to do? Wait for you forever?
Yeah I know….
So wouldn’t it be less selfish to just leave? Haven’t you done enough damage?
“No, I keep my promises.”
I look up, surprised when I said the words out loud instead of thinking them like I had. In a way I’m glad I did; it startled me out of the conversation with myself, one I hate to admit I was losing. The words echo up and down the hall, somehow coming back to my ears louder than when I had said them. For a moment, for just a moment I worry that I had alerted Twilight that I was here, but in an odd way I kinda hope I did. At least that would have made the choice for me. She’d come out, confront me, and force the conversation.
Wow… I really am a coward.
The fight starts playing over again in my brain. My stupid, stupid brain. I’ve lost track of how many turns I messed up because of those thoughts. I can’t even begin the count the sleepless nights only ended by passing out in the bottom of a glass of cider.
Twilight could. Heck, I’d be surprised if she didn’t have a list already made up.
I pause as the moonlit sky hits my face. Somehow I managed to walk all the way back from where I came. How’d I do that? I should just leave. I should give up and go back, I’ve done enough damage, caused her enough pain. I shouldn’t cause any more, I should go back an—
The great and mighty Rainbow Dash giving up like that?
I chuckle. Even now, after all this time, she’s still in my thoughts. I can still hear her voice in my head as if she was speaking directly to me. Several times I thought she actually was, that it really was her voice with some of her fancy-spancy magic communicating directly into my head. Only after the fact would I learn that she’d be on the other side of Equestria on some princess thing. It wasn’t her; it was simply my thoughts.
I pause, just in time to prevent myself from spreading my wings and taking flight. My eyes lock on Luna’s moon for a second, taking in the light. And, for that second, it seems like it’s speaking directly to me, like it’s in my corner.
I just wish I were in my corner.
It’s so strange. After all this time of talking myself up it feels like I’m my own worst enemy. Normally when I feel this way Twilight was the one there for me. She was the one that talked me back after messing up when we found who Daring Do really was, she was the one that reminded me who I was when the ‘Bolts offered me the opportunity to fly with them during the Equestria Games tryouts, and now… now she’s the one talking to me when I was about to leave instead of talking to her.
When did I, the great Rainbow Dash, fall so hard for her?
I ask the question already knowing the answer. Not that I’d admit it to anypony, but it was her smile. The way she was always so happy about eggheadish things, the way she cared for others the way she did. The way she… just made my day. Sure, we were different from each other, night and day with so little in common. But… I’d give my wings to see her look at me that way again. The way she did when she….
Loved me.
How do you know I stopped?
I’m crying. When did that start? Why are my hooves wet? How long have I been crying? And most worryingly… why do I not care? I have answers to none of these questions. They’re questions for eggheads, for Twilights, not for ponies like me. I’m a featherbrain. I—
You were my featherbrain. You might still be….
My hooves are moving again. It feels right that they are, they should be moving, moving closer to her. This… this feels right; this feels light, I feel light. My heart is no longer heavy in my chest, my hooves no longer want to take me from this place, and my wings no longer want me to get out of here as quickly as they can. I just… I just want to see her again.
She might still reject me.
I don’t care; I have to see her again. It’s only right, it’s gotta happen. It feels like this is the pivotal event in the universe. Like the planet itself cannot go on without this event happening, like I’m the most important pony in the world because the world is acting through me.
Smack!
Oww… I think that one left a bruise. Okay, dumb way of thinking, I’m not the most important pony in the world, I’m an idiot who dumped the greatest mare in the world and now I’m trying to force myself back into her life.
My chest feels heavier. Still, I keep going. I’m already past that picture and moving down the hall. Each step seems to echo that much louder, but I keep going. My hooves, no… my body knows the way, I could find Twilight’s bedchamber blindfolded and drunk.
Heh-heh, I have.
I’m smiling, that alone is a refreshing change of pace. Although the sight of her bedchamber doors in front of me causes it to fall from my muzzle. I pause in front of them and gulp, loudly.
“You can do this,” I say to nopony in particular.
Why did I say that out loud?
Ugh, stupid brain, shut up and let me do this.
I raise a hoof to knock on the door, but pause when I notice something strange, although it shouldn’t have been strange to me… not really. There’s a small amount of light coming from under the door. She’s still awake.
I knew that. She’s in a late night study session, like always. Heck, I used to have to drag her to bed, normally by the tail. More than one day had seen her fighting me, but a quick few well-placed kisses would always settle her down in just the right ways.
Well, not really settle her down, more like get her ready for some more… fun times.
Heh-heh.…
Not that those times are ever going to happen again. I blew it, I left her, I….
Thud!
“Hello? Spike? Is that you?”
I pull my head away from the door at the sound of her voice. It’s full of uncertainty and concern in equal measure. She heard me, there’s no going back now. I sit on my haunches and face the door, already knowing what will happen next.
Just as I suspected, the door is quickly surrounded by a purple aura and opens, revealing a candlelit room full of books, notes, quills, a four-post bed, one confused purple pony princess, and her trusty telescope.
“Rain-Rainbow Dash?”
That voice….
“Hey, Twilight.”
“W-w-what are you doing here?” She asks as she jumps up on her bed and faces me. I can see the shock wearing off, to be replaced with… confusion? Anger? Concern? … Hatred?
“S-s-sorry for the late visit, I just… I….”
Celestia I can’t even finish the sentence. What do I say? Why didn’t I think this through? I’m as dumb as everyone says I am. I’m… I….
“Rainbow, is everything okay?”
I try to say yes, that everything’s fine, but my throat locks up and the tears start falling again. No, dammit, everything's not okay. I’m a freaking wreck, I miss you so much it hurts, and I don’t want to—I can’t live my life without you, not anymore. I can’t just be your friend either; I need you back so badly it hurts.
“Rainbow?”
“Y-y-you know me, Twi’.”
I chuckle; it’s so forced I want to smack myself again.
“Rainbow?” Twilight says as she jumps down from the bed and starts walking to me. She sees right through me. Even I can see that.
My eyes slam shut and the tears flow free in earnest. “No, everything’s not okay! I miss you so much it hurts, it’s tearing me apart to know that I lost you, Twi’. That you’re no longer in my life, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to leave you crying like that, to pick anything over you!”
The words leave my muzzle like they were from another; like I was simply the speaker but not their creator, almost like I was reading them from a book.
I expect… well, I don’t expect anything. I’m ready to be yelled at, to be told it’s all my fault and that I shouldn’t have come back, that I should have just stayed away; that I made my bed and I should lie in it.
Nothing happens.
In a gesture that feels like I’m risking everything, I open my eyes again. She’s back up on the bed, lying on her stomach with her tail wrapped around her body. She’s glaring right at me, right through me.
“You left.”
Those two words, those two words I’ve told myself over and over and over again, for the last few weeks they’ve gone through my head in her voice. Hearing her say them now, I feel overcome with an emotion that I never expected: anger.
“You told me to leave! You made me choose between my dream and you! You gave me no choice!”
“You left.”
“I had to! You know that! The ‘Bolts have requirements! You know that!”
“You left.”
I start storming around the room. My hooves are looking for something to kick, but as always, her room is spotless. The only thing I find is a trash can. It goes flying across the room and bounces off the wall. It’s strangely satisfying, even though it was empty.
“Don’t even act like you’re so freaking perfect!” I’m yelling. I don’t want to yell. I don’t want to make it worse, but I am, and for the life of me I don’t know why. “You’d always leave for YOUR duties as a princess! Or the map! Or any other million different reasons! Why were yours okay and mine not‽ Why do I always have to bend for you‽ How many dates did YOU miss? How many times did you cancel on me? Or deny any sort of affection?”
She’s just looking at me, those violet eyes staring directly into my very being. She’s not rising from the bed; she’s not taking the bait; she’s staying calm, collected. Somehow, that makes me feel so much worse.
“You left.”
“You’re damn right I left! I left because you’re freaking insane! You don’t care about me! You never did! Sure, you put on a big game about being the Princess of Friendship, but where were you when I needed you to be in my corner‽ How about bending once, just freaking once for me‽ Huh‽”
She says nothing. She just looks at me, her eyes unreadable, she’s just…. Dammit!
I fall down on my flank, my rant done. My heart feels like it’s in a million pieces at my hooves. I can’t do it, I can’t be angry with her. She’s right; I left… I, the Element of Loyalty, wasn’t loyal to my own marefriend. I was stupid, I was weak, I chose the ‘Bolts over her, the most important pony in the world, and I picked… I picked wrong.
“I’m so sorry, Twi’. You’re right. I left…. It was dumb, stupid, and it’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my entire life.”
I’m sobbing like a foal that just lost her best friend. Or that’s how it feels anyway. It feels like that all over again. Like everything that mattered was just snatched away from me.
“I don’t deserve you, I never did. You were Celestia’s pupil, an alicorn princess, and the best pony I’ve ever known in my whole life. I know I shouldn’t have come back, I know I should have simply stuck with my choice, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I know it changes nothing between us, but you’ll find out soon enough that I quit the Wonderbolts. I can’t stay with them knowing what it cost me. They cost me you… no… I cost me you, but even still.”
My eyes are still closed, tears still falling. “I’ll leave you be. You don’t have to say a word. Sorry for interrupting, I just had to let you know how I feel, even if it is selfish of me. Goodbye my love, you won’t hear from me aga—”
“Rainbow.”
Her voice sounds again, I force my eyes open and see her through a tear-soaked gaze; she’s inches from my muzzle, staring directly at me. Behind me, I hear the doors shut.
“T-Twi’?”
She hugs me. It’s then I feel it, wet tears are hitting my fur, her tears… I’ve made her cry again. Still, I can’t help but reach a hoof out and return the hug. I can feel her body, she’s tense, and the muscles in her back and wings give away just how much she was holding back, keeping in.
Like a bursting dam, it’s all set loose, she cries and cries. I’m crying too, or never stopped. I don’t know which one, and, to be honest, I don’t even care. There’s no reason to care; she’s back in my hooves and I’m back in her’s. Everything else can take a flying leap off Canterlot Mountain for how much it matters to me right now.
After what feels like an eternity, she pulls back and stares directly into my eyes. Tearstained face meets tearstained face.
“Twi’, I’m so sorry.”
She kisses me, her lips pressed against my own. I can feel her; I can feel the pressure, and the love she pours into that kiss. I push back in equal measure, hoping that I’m giving her even half of what I feel from her.
I’ll never know if she felt it the way I did, but I hope she does.
She breaks the kiss and stares directly into my eyes. No… she’s looking past that, she’s seeing the me only she sees, the me that she tried so hard to get me to see, the me that’s—somehow—worthy of her. “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back….”
“It’s meant to be.” I finish the quote. It was one of her favorites after all.
She kisses me again, this one is quicker, but in no way does it mean less.
“So, does this mean you’ll forgive me for leaving?” I ask with a playful smile upon my muzzle. I can’t help but smile with her pressed up against me.
She smiles back and says, “I—”
